


I See You In The Dark

by MuscleMemory



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Demons, Emotions, F/F, F/M, Fantasy, Honest Deep Extreme Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, Immortality, M/M, Making Love, Memory Loss, Mind Games, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Parabatai Bond, Psychological Torture, True Love, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-02 21:54:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 54
Words: 302,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6584047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuscleMemory/pseuds/MuscleMemory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's AU but the shadow world. I took the canon bits I like and made up the rest of it and will continue to make it up. Also, these are the TV show characters. Also, I love angst and the deepest kinds of emotions I can describe. </p><p>Alec has vanished without a trace. Magnus has been looking for him to no avail.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Muscle Memory

**Author's Note:**

> I never thought I would ever write a Malec fic... but then a song (Lights - Muscle Memory (Acoustic)), the lyrics, wouldn't let me go and this idea was forming and I just had to try... didn't even know if to dare post this... it's so nerve-wrecking... anyway...
> 
> Apologies for spelling/grammar and plot mistakes (also English isn't my first language). I do have a lovely beta now, though! :-)
> 
> I changed the Archive Warning because there is some graphic depiction of violence now. 
> 
> This turned way more epic than I ever thought possible, and as Season 2 wasn't even in the making as I started it, there will be very little about it in this story, if anything at all.
> 
> Should anyone really read this and like it, it would be insanely cool to get nice/constructive feedback. [tumblr](http://sfjessii.tumblr.com)

_ _

* * *

 

_In an ancient time, in an ancient place..._

_His feral, flaming eyes are piercing the young warlock who just turned his back and left with no intention of ever coming back. His eyes narrow into slits as he is barely capable of holding his rage in place. He wants to rip him apart, make him beg for forgiveness, watch the youthful arrogance fade and make room for grave pain and despair. A plan is forming in his deluded mind. He will wait, wait and watch, and get his revenge one sweet day, he has forever after all. And he will make sure that the warlock will suffer the utmost possible when his time comes. When true love will be his demise._

* * *

 Present day...

 

[April 23 - 20:51 - To: Magnus]

_Just finished mission, be there in 30. Warm up that lasagna for me, will you? I'm starving! Love you._

Alec smiles to himself as he sends the text to his boyfriend, his whole body feeling jittery with the anticipation of seeing the man he's been in love with for quite a while now. It's been a long day but thinking about his lover always provides him with new, exhilarating energy. His neck tingles and his step feels lighter, and he never gets tired of it.

[April 23 - 20:53 - From: Magnus]

_Alexander, finally! Be assured that something hot will be awaiting you! Also food and your favorite cocktail. Hurry! Love you, too._

His smile broadens as he reads the message and his step quickens, he feels a surge of uninhibited want and love and he needs to get to his man, now! He jumps a fence to use a shortcut, a sudden coldness creeping up in his chest which elicits unwelcomed goosebumps. He freezes, listens carefully and observes his immediate surroundings.

Something feels... ominous. Wrong. Alec's natural skills and profound training make sure he is seldom mistaken in these situations. The coldness is creeping further into him, all along his limbs, getting too close to his heart, and his fingers are twitching.

He can't see anything but the houses, streetlights, cars and the road before him. His intuition is uncannily telling him to run. But he's not one to flee from danger. He goes for his bow and quiver. It takes him almost a minute to realise that his arm, his hand, isn't moving. He can't. He can't move at all, not even a toe.

Dread is forming in his gut. He's trying to move again and again, just to take a step, to fish his phone out of his jacket pocket, to open his mouth. He can't. He can't even try to shout for help. A cruel sickness is taking him over, sweat is breaking out on his face, his neck, seconds later it's covering his skin everywhere, his heart is pumping with fear and adrenaline. He's completely vulnerable and helpless.

There's movement on his right, but he can't turn his head. A swish and he loses consciousness.

* * *

 27 weeks later...

There's a man sitting in a loft in Brooklyn. The rooms are dark, no light could penetrate even through a tiny gap, he made sure of it himself.

It is silent, the kind that feels oppressive, crushing. A few bottles that used to contain strong liquor are lying around him, all empty. One left broken as he smashed it against the wall a few minutes ago, or maybe hours. He has lost the ability to gauge time.

His cats are gone, taken in by Isabelle who wouldn't play the silent onlooker any longer. It's as well, as he couldn't take care of them anymore. He can't take care of anything.

He hasn't left this loft, this room, this spot on the floor for days probably, maybe more. He feels nothing, he is nothing, nothing is left.

He's had dreams, visions, nightmares. He has seen someone that wasn't really there. Someone, always the same person. Always him.

Alexander. His Alexander, who vanished from the earth so many weeks, months, ago. Without leaving a single trace.

Magnus feels as if he's succumbed to madness. He has been talking to Alec. Has seen him in their empty rooms. Striding to the kitchen with fast, secure steps, when he was hungry. Leaning against the counter, his arms crossed in front of his chest, smirking lightly as he was watching Magnus, probably telling him of some grandiose skirmish, or some lascivious joke. Laughing, smiling, observing. Magnus always sees him, hears him, even smells him, but he can never touch him, never make him stay. He's but a ghost in Magnus' home that doesn't feel homely anymore.

He's a mere shadow of his former self, no longer caring for his appearance, clothes, hair, make up, daily hygiene. It doesn't matter.

The first time he saw Alec, his ghost, was when he was lying in their bed, he had been shivering from a coldness he couldn't explain, a low light illuminating the room, he suddenly felt a shuddering sensation crawling up his arm. As he turned his head, Alec was there, lying next to him, his cheek on his hand, a soft strand of dark hair falling into his left eye, watching his boyfriend, a gentle, loving expression on his face that was painful. Magnus stopped breathing. He could feel his lover's breath, his body heat. He was so real, until he reached out a hand to touch him. He felt him, but it was just a reflex, a muscle memory. He grasped nothing but air. The pain was all-consuming.

He's consumed by it now. There is nothing left but his memories, which provide endless torture. He's given up questioning, searching. There's nothing and no one to be found, he tried, he tried absolutely everything.

For months he's been looking, following leads that revealed nothing as there was nothing to be found in the first place. He's been traveling everywhere, looking into any possible scenario, any possible enemy who could be responsible for Alec's disappearance. He's made a few new friends on the way, more enemies. But he doesn't care. There's nothing and no one he cares about now. Alec is gone. His Alexander is gone, and his tortured mind has started to accept that he's gone for good.

It shouldn't have been possible. There was always a clue, a hint of a spell, some magic, a witness, a rumor. Blood. Evidence. A rune. Jace had stopped feeling his parabatai that fateful evening. There was no abruptness to it, not even a moment to pinpoint when it happened. It was a fleeting sensation. Alec was there. Alec was gone. As simple as that.

They have all been looking, exhausting every possibility they could come up with, cashing in on every favor anyone's ever owed them, doing favors and indebting themselves. To no avail. Alec was gone. And _no one_ knew a thing. Not seelies, not vampires, not werewolves, warlocks, mundanes or even demons.

Magnus had sweet talked, bought, used magic and threatened everyone he could think of, or was pointed to. Ragnor, Catarina, Raphael, Luke and other friends had helped them. No search had ever had such a gigantic and widespread scale, beyond and above worlds, as the one for Alec Lightwood.

Hope had faded with every passing week, every impasse they encountered. They were all so determined, no one believing that their friend, brother, lover, could have disappeared just like that - or even be dead. There was no body, no trace evidence.

In his worst, most despaired moments, Magnus felt as if his Alexander had never truly existed. Just a figment of his warped imagination. A punishment for his crimes, for being the monster he conveniently forgot he was.

They saw it. The real him. Izzy, Clary, Jace and Simon. They know the real him now. He had gone just a little bit insane as yet another doubtful path had led them nowhere. And some demons had thought it to be the best moment to attack them. He had let his rage and desperation, all that dreadful pain, take him over. He had killed them all before the Shadowhunters could even react. But he couldn't stop. He needed to destroy. He needed to get rid of the anguish, the distress, the sorrow. As there were no demons left, he had demolished a row of buildings that luckily had been abandoned. The girls had tried to stop him first, talk sense into him, but when Izzy came too close, she had been hit by the force of his magic, been thrown a few hundred feet to the ground where she lay motionless. Only when hearing Clary's shattering scream could Magnus calm himself enough to help his friend. He healed her and she was going to be alright. But nothing is as before. Nothing can be.

* * *

 “Alexander?” He speaks into the darkness, his voice timid, his body and mind weak and shaken. He blinks. There is no one here. He withdraws more into himself, wishing his mind was wiped, free of every painful thought, every image, every memory. He can't let that happen, though. This will be his sentence for eternity, his punishment for having lost the one person he would give his life for. His one true love. His Alexander.

He's in a state of half dreams, half consciousness. Reliving the best part of the little over a year they spent together as a couple. Seeing Alec for the first time (second time, the very first time he hadn't had a proper chance to look!), the tousled dark hair, the slight dent in his nose, that deep voice, that tall, slender but muscley body, that enchanting smile, and those _eyes_.

Blue eyes had always had a special appeal to him, but seeing those hazel hues made all the blue he thought he treasured appear pale in comparison.

Something had drawn him undeniably close to the wonderful, strong, gorgeous, young man. Every pore of his body had felt it. Every one of his thoughts had led back to the Shadowhunter. He had fought with all he had had, held back, learned so much about respect, patience and mindfulness. Realised what happiness was and that he would have given him up, should Alec not have found the same happiness in Magnus.

Alec had made dreams come true the warlock hadn't even known he'd had. He was perfection with all his imperfect quirks and behavorisms. He was endearing, adorable, beautiful, trustworthy, a savior and a warrior, the gentlest, bravest, kindest and most loving soul who could be fierce and wild as well, as Magnus had found out over time, when Alec had learned in return to let go, be who he wanted to be. Alec had given Magnus his heart and soul and the greatest gift of spending his life with the much older man, accepting him, his history, the dreaded immortality, all his mistakes and shameful actions. And the cats adored him, even Church liked Alec more than he ever did Magnus and Magnus so got it. And Alec adored them just the same.

Alec had accepted every part of Magnus and loved him and Magnus had never loved the same way before the young man. Alec had surprised and amazed him in more ways than he would have thought achievable. Alec was _everything._ But Alec was gone, so Magnus had nothing.

Except those fucking condemning memories that wouldn't stop haunting him.

Their first, amazing, passionate kiss in front of the whole Institute on Alec's wedding day, when the young Shadowhunter finally chose _himself_ over his parents, his duty, the law. And later on he had chosen Magnus, making the warlock the luckiest one in the history of everything.

They'd had awkward, yet funny and unforgettable dates none of them would change for anything, they had spent many nights trying to find Alec's favorite alcoholic drinks, Magnus becoming more creative than ever. Magnus will never forget the day Alec agreed to go out dancing with him, his insecure look, his stiff body, working against everything he was used to, eventually letting himself go and enjoying himself, being comfortable with Magnus holding and guiding him. And the one time he had let Magnus put eyeliner on him. Nothing glittery! Plain black eyeliner, but honestly, it was all Alec needed to be just that bit more compelling to Magnus. And the boy basically possessed his whole being anyway.

Alec had given him his trust, his love, his fantasies. Together they had explored their growing affections and attraction, and Alec had learned to trust Magnus with his trepidations grown from his insecurities, his desires and wants. And Magnus had been patient, kind, sometimes challenging but never forceful, never pressured the younger man into anything he didn't want to or wasn't ready for. And Alec had surprised him again with how well he knew himself and what he wanted and was ready for in the end. Magnus would have waited forever just to be with him. And Alec was everything and more, and again the older man had realized that there was still so much he hadn't known, hadn't experienced about love and making love in so many ways. Magnus had been Alec's firsts in many ways, but Alec had also been Magnus' in more ways than the warlock was able to express.

All of it was shredding him from the deepest part within himself to the bare, sore surface. He had thought Camille had killed him, but now he could only laugh at himself for having believed such ridiculous nonsense. _This_ felt like dying. Being ripped apart over and over and over and over again. It never stopped. It hadn't stopped since April 23rd when Alec hadn't come home as he'd promised to.

Magnus remembers every second spent with him from that day. Waking up next to his boyfriend very early, kissing him awake lazily, his heart missing a couple of beats when sleepy hazel eyes gazed at him, how he slowly and lovingly burned Alec's body with ecstasy. Afterwards he made breakfast, well, snapped his fingers because he couldn't be bothered to get out of bed, yet. They talked and laughed and kissed and kissed some more, took a shower together, made love again, kissed and talked and kissed until Alec was called to the mission, promising he'd be back soon. Magnus couldn't stop thinking about him at all that day. He had felt such deep satisfaction, an understanding that no matter what happened, _this_ was what he would live and breathe for, for as long as he was graced with.

He hadn't stopped smiling that day, Church and Chairman Meow giving him the strangest looks he simply ignored, as well as their hissing when he grabbed them to cuddle them senseless. Then he cooked, one of their favorites Alec had taught him; before Alec he never had had the urge to cook regularly himself, and they texted a few times, Magnus enjoying how he made Alec envious of the food, though he didn't really want to eat it without him. And then he was waiting impatiently to hear from his boyfriend that he was well and on his way home. It had taken him long enough, but as soon as he got Alec's text, he turned into a ball of excited, happy energy.

And then Alec hadn't come home after those 30 minutes. And neither after an hour. And he hadn't answered his phone, and Magnus hadn't found him, and no one else had known where he was, either.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: If you are not open to the possibility of Magnus becoming mortal or Alec becoming immortal, or similar, this story probably isn't for you.
> 
> Also:  
> I think and hope I've grown since I started writing this story and my view on things and characters expanded and I've tried to include a lot more I learned and realized during this journey and I hope I can continue to do so and improve and one day I might work it over from the beginning when it's finished, and I have the time and energy.


	2. Regaining Purpose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Angst of a different kind. At least it's not hopeless anymore, probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could hardly sleep because this story isn't letting my mind rest... and so I didn't have a choice but write.

_ _

* * *

 

_Enjoy your own personal hell, **Alexander.**_

The voice sounds eerie and spiteful as it booms in his ears, his chest, his mind, and then it fades as quickly as it came. He doesn't know where he is, he doesn't see anything, he doesn't feel anything, not even his own body. He's weightless, opening his eyes seemingly having the same effect as closing them. A void. He's terrified.

Alec doesn't have to wonder long about where he is and what is happening. He's pulled away, deeper into something he's unable to make sense of.

He is floating, or at least it feels like it. He still can't see, or touch anything, but he doesn't feel as scared anymore. Maybe he's just dreaming, maybe it's all a dream, or nightmare, but he'll wake up soon enough.

Just that he doesn't.

He's suddenly falling, through time and space, he doesn't know, he feels nauseous, he's screaming, or at least he thinks he is, might just be in his mind.

He hits something, a surface, a million needles piercing his body, he's freezing. Water. He hit water and it's icy and he's struggling to swim. It's impossible and he doesn't have any air left in his lungs. He's drowning, freezing, getting numb, seeing how the light fades, feeling how the ice cold water fills his insides, agonizing pain, blackness.

* * *

Present day...

His phone his buzzing. He doesn't know where he put it, it should probably have run out of battery by now anyway. It keeps buzzing and the sound feels alien in the silence and he's going to just ignore it.

 _Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz._ He blinks. Still? It's just a background noise he successfully blended out, but it's still there?!

He moves his hand wearily, waves his fingers and the phone appears in his hand. Clary. The name doesn't really touch anything in him. But she's extremely persistent. No matter, he'll just tell her not to bother calling him ever again...

“Magnus! Finally, where are you? It doesn't matter, just, you have to come, right now!”

His mind seems to have become slower these last days, or weeks? He doesn't care anymore. Her words sink in but what is he meant to feel? Whatever insignificant trouble they're in, they can handle it on their own. He's not their possession, he won't come running at their every beck and call. _Never again._

“Magnus!”

Oh, he forgot to actually say the words.

“Just leave me al-”

“It's Alec!”

“...”

“Magnus? Did you hear me? We found him! He's right here!”

It's not real. It can't be real. Another dream, wishful thinking, mad desire. He's gone mad! He isn't actually talking to Clary, and she's just saying what his mind is wanting to hear!

“I'm so tired, just let me sleep.”

He won't sleep, doesn't know when he last did, doesn't care. It's all senseless and ridiculous. He won't play along, especially not with a concoction of his own mind's insanity.

“MAGNUS! Don't make me come get you! I'm not lying! It's true! Jace suddenly felt him again and found him close to the institute, he's here! ALEC IS HERE, ALIVE! You better come right now or-”

He _knows_ it's a lie, but something is telling him to make sure. He turns the lights on suddenly, squinting his eyes furiously for a moment, not used to the brightness. The loft, his living-room. Everything's here. Not as neat as it used to be (he broke everything at one point, just to magic it whole again and break it over and over – afterwards Izzy took the cats in who were rather traumatised) but it's familiar. He turns to stare at the phone where Clary's voice is still going on. He needs a moment to make a decision.

“Tell me again.” His voice sounds a little firmer, a little more life back in it.

“Alec is right here, at the institute, Jace found him, we don't know what happened, but he's... alive, and you better hurry!”

She hangs up before he can say anything else, but he feels speechless anyway. Alec is... alive, at the institute? _HOW?!_

He kicks himself. It doesn't matter just now. He has to go!

Magnus ignores the complaints his body shouts at him as he quickly pulls himself up into a standing position. He can barely feel his legs, having been in the same position for too long. He quickly opens a portal but the moment he wants to step through he's registering something. He looks down at himself, smells himself. He can't possibly go like this. They can't see him like this! He doesn't have time for a shower, though. All he can do is magic himself casually presentable, it will have to do. Then he steps through the portal.

Clary and Jace are waiting for him. He feels suspicious at the way they regard him. Jace has bloodshot eyes. Clary's are a little too red as well. It would be understandable, he should probably be crying as well... Alec... Alexander... but they're not smiling, they don't come across as two people who are relieved to have found their best friend and parabatai again after endless months of suffering from his absence. All of Magnus' alarm bells are going off at once.

“What haven't you told me? What's wrong?!” He's too wound up, too anxious, worried, unable to fathom what is really happening, that _this_ actually is happening. He needs to see him, he needs to touch him, _to_ _know, to feel_ that it's true, that his Alexander is _actually_ back in this world.

He got too close into Clary's face, her eyes widen, showing a spark of... fear? Jace is between them in an instant and Magnus backs off a little. He's too out of it.

“Magnus, get yourself together. This hasn't been easy on any of us! But I promise you it is true, Alec's here now, and he's... alive.”

 _Alive._ The word Clary used on the phone a few times. He should have paid better attention. Alive means everything, or nothing. Alive... they didn't say he's fine, alright, OK, _unharmed_. Just alive. Just isn't really justifiable as it's more than they could have hoped for, but right now, it's not nearly enough!

It takes all of his self-control to stay calm outwardly. “Just take me to him.”

Jace and Clary share a quick glance that unsettles him to his core. What aren't they fucking telling him?!

“Magnus...”

He ignores the red-head and storms on further down the corridor. He'll find Alec himself. Jace is suddenly in front of him, a hand on his chest, holding him back. The Shadowhunter should really know better by now than to do that! Rage is flaring up in Magnus and he's about to do something he may regret at some point, but it's Jace's own damn fault!

“Magnus, stay calm, Alec doesn't... he's not...” Jace fumbling with words? That's a sight he hasn't seen often, but he really doesn't give a shit!

“He lost his memories!” Magnus turns abruptly, staring at Clary, incomprehension showing on his features. Jace's hand drops but Magnus hardly notices or minds now.

Clary puts a hand on his arm, makes sure he's looking at her, and speaks again, her eyes brimming with unshed tears. “Alec doesn't remember anything, not what happened or where he's been, or even... who we are or who he is. He doesn't remember anything, Magnus.”

It takes him a very long moment to grasp the meaning of her words. Magnus feels out of his depth, unable to cope with yet another maddening truth. If it's true? Maybe it isn't, or just temporary, or he can use magic to-

“I need to see him, Clary.” She must have seen, maybe even felt, his desperation, the flood of words and emotions contained inside him, wobbly at best.

“We'll take you.” She squeezes his hand for a moment then leads the way, Jace following them, looking crestfallen.

 

* * *

 

The room they put him in is rather bare. A small bed, a desk, an empty closet, empty shelves, brown walls, a window, a door. The girl said it used to be his room. He doesn't remember, nothing feels familiar. He has no memory, no knowledge of this place, these people. The girl who said she was his sister. He didn't know he had one. But then... he didn't even know his own name. Alec, apparently. Alec Lightwood. It feels as out of place as the rest of him. He glimpsed himself in a mirror earlier, the reflection staring back at him could have belonged to anyone, anyone at all. He has never seen that face. Any of these faces. He doesn't know where he is, where he's been, what he's been doing, doesn't even know who he is. He guesses he can't but trust these people.

The blond, Jace, he was crying when he, Alec, opened his eyes and saw him. He didn't understand why. He gets it now, he thinks. If his best friend had suddenly appeared out of nowhere after thinking he had been lost forever... but he doesn't feel the emotions attached to it. He doesn't feel much, apart from the confusion, the frustration, the emptiness. He couldn't even describe it.

He's been sitting on the bed, staring at his hands, they're quite large with long, slender fingers. His feet, also quite large, wearing black boots. He's wearing all black, apparently that's his style. The girl, Isabelle, his sister?, told him a few things about this place and who he is apparently, after she, too, had stopped crying. Everyone he saw was shocked into silence or started to cry. It made him feel extremely weird, uncomfortable. He was glad when she brought him here, at least he can try to make sense of something now, though that seems rather impossible.

There's a knock on the door and his head shoots up, his heart starts pounding nervously. Isabelle? “Co- come in!” He stands and moves back towards the window, the bow and quiver with arrows he had with him are leaning against the wall next to him. He has no recollection of ever using a bow and arrow, but Isabelle told him they were his. His eyes are drawn back to the door that's opening.

There's Clary, Jace's girlfriend he remembers, and Jace, and also someone he hasn't seen before. A man of Asian origin, his mind tells him, his black hair styled in a quiff. He's wearing black pants, a navy colored shirt, and a black jacket adorned with strange silver embroidery, and he's not sure why he's noticing it at all in a split second and why this man is staring at him so intently, the hairs on his body are all standing up, sending waves of cold shivers all over his skin. His throat tightens and he feels trapped in the small, too crowded room, and also weirdly fascinated.

“Who... who are you then?” He finds his voice, though a bit too soft for his liking, he swallows and wets his lips and the Asian man's eyes seem to stare even _more._ What's wrong with him?

“That's Magnus, he's a very good friend of ours, yours, too.” Clary offers with a soft, nervous smile. Jace is glancing down and the other man, Magnus, seems to shake himself out of something, his goldbrown stare feeling less intrusive.

Alec just nods at him, not sure what he's supposed to do with this new information. At least he isn't crying.

“You really don't remember... anything?” The man's voice is smoother than he would have thought, revealing emotions Alec can't discern, but he guesses it's the shock reaction to his appearance they all seem to be feeling.

He shrugs slightly and runs his fingers through his hair. “Not really, not anything about this place, or you people.” Or _myself._

The man, Magnus, seems to have the most trouble coming to terms with this revelation judging from the shocked, haunted look in his eyes, but there's nothing Alec can do. He would change it if he could.

Still he wants to say something, proffer something... anything. “I know... about this world, I mean, about Shadowhunters, mundanes and such. Vampires, werewolves, warlocks, demons, that kind of stuff. I know that's a bed and a desk, furniture... I know... things... I just don't know...” He's fumbling for words to describe it but he doesn't really know how to, what words could make sense of it.

“It's alright, I get it, don't worry.” Magnus offers with a slight twitch of his lip, resembling the beginning of a smile, but his eyes don't show any signs of joy. The opposite really, and Alec glances away, not sure where he should look, his hands coming up to settle on his upper arms in an unconscious attempt to comfort himself.

“We should let you rest for now, you must be... exhausted.” Maybe the new guy, Magnus, yes, could see his discomfort? Alec's eyes find the three people in 'his' room again, the other two having been so quiet, he almost forgot they were there. Rest? He doesn't not feel rested, just... disjointed. But he nods because he wants to be alone for a while, gather his thoughts.

“Yes, we'll be just outside, just shout if you need anything, alright?” Clary smiles at him and Jace nods in agreement, then they leave, Magnus being last, his eyes once again sending a shudder down Alec's spine before he disappears behind the door. Alec exhales slowly and takes a few deep breaths, trying to relax his muscles as well as his inner turmoil. It's rather futile.

 

* * *

 

The three of them gather in a secluded room, away from curious eyes, Clary and Jace sharing worried looks while watching Magnus' unfathomable expression.

Clary's searching for something to say when the door opens and Isabelle enters with Simon in tow. Clary hugs them both and then watches as Isabelle moves over to where their warlock friend is standing, a greater distance away from them.

“Magnus?” Her voice is soft, concerned, she wants to touch him but isn't sure if to even try, apprehensive of his reaction. He looks so _broken_ she's finding it hard to breathe _._

Magnus finally looks up and meets her eyes and she gasps as his arms fling around her smaller form so suddenly and with such vigor, but she's not afraid. Not of him. She closes her arms around him, holding his trembling body as close as she can, while he holds onto her like she's his last functioning lifeline.

 

* * *

 

Magnus has never felt so torn between following his agonizing need to leap into action and frightening restraint. When he sees Alec, standing in his old room, looking _exactly_ the same as on the day he last saw him, he almost loses it completely. He wants, _needs_ to grab him, press the taller man into him and never ever let him go again. The second their eyes meet, however, Magnus knows it's true. Alec doesn't recognize him. He was sure he has by now felt every kind of pain anyone has ever felt, could feel, but this is...

_Soul-corroding._

Magnus doesn't know how he stays standing, how he manages to speak, how he doesn't break down hearing Alec's voice, seeing the familiar gestures he's seen a thousand times, like the taller man shrugging, his tongue wetting his lips, running his fingers through his hair in that _Alec way._ Everything is _so him_ , _his Alexander,_ but there's an insurmountable barrier between them. It's shredding him apart.

Magnus can't stay any longer, he can't trust himself. He needs to get some distance, force sense into him, look at this rationally, make plans... but he's so full of so many feelings, above all anguish, and he's left helpless, again.

As soon as he becomes aware of Izzy's presence and meets her kind, worried eyes, he knows she's the only one who can help him now. He has to give in, craving for someone to hold onto, someone to hold _him,_ somehow giving him the strength to go on, to find a way to make everything OK again. He's the most powerful person in the room, yet he feels pathetically frail. But he's not fighting it, not now.

“I'm so sorry.” He whispers for Izzy to hear only before he turns his head away slightly, bringing a hand up to magic the tear stains away. He doesn't exactly care whether they see him crying, but his moment of weakness is over. He has to be stronger than ever now, find his power and determination again. Alec is back, alive, physically unharmed. That's all he will allow himself to focus on until he finds a spell, any solution, to bring Alec's memories back and find whoever did this to him.

He turns and walks over to Jace who's looking a little uneasy. Does he think Magnus is going to hug him, too? At any other moment in time, Magnus would laugh and make fun of him to his heart's content. His face shows nothing but firm, newfound purpose, however.

“Tell me in all detail what happened from the moment you felt your parabatai bond again.”

 


	3. Can Warlocks Do That?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is quite a bit longer but it didn't feel right to cut it sooner.

Alec had paced the small room, lain on the bed staring up at the light-brown ceiling, but felt too weird to stay in a rather vulnerable position, and eventually asked the Shadowhunter who was left outside to guard him, if and where he could take a shower.

He even provided him with fresh clothes. He feels relief as he turns the lock on the door, feeling pretty sure that no one can come barging in. The outside seems rather huge and frightening. But he doesn't want to succumb to such feelings. How will he ever find his place in this world if he keeps himself locked in a room? A bathroom for that matter.

He's watching himself rather intensely as he strips down. He doesn't know this body, has no recollection of the tattoos – no - runes that are adorning his skin. He's a Shadowhunter. He knows what it means, but he doesn't know what it _means,_ for him.

He has definitely been working out, that's for sure. When he's done inspecting his body, he moves closer to the mirror and observes his face thoroughly, touching it, pulling the skin, grimacing. He messes up his unruly hair even further, sticks his tongue out at himself, fake grins and looks mad. In the end he shakes his head at himself, sighs and starts the water running. The hot wetness engulfing his body feels good, better than he remembers feeling, and he can finally relax.

Dressed in dark-grey jeans, his boots, and to his surprise a white T-shirt, and a black top, he also pulls on the black jacket he wore when Jace found him again. It fits him rather well and it's something a little bit familiar at least.

He thinks about going back to that room, but what is he meant to be doing in there? There's literally nothing in there, except for the bed but he can't find any rest and he doesn't want to. He wants to know more about this place, so he's off to explore. People look at him strangely which he's almost used to by now, but they let him observe. There is so much hightech stuff everywhere, he should probably know what it all is and how to work it, but he doesn't have a clue and he doesn't want to ask.

He finds a kitchen, but it's empty, lots of doors he's too chicken to open, and ends up at what must be a place for training, judging from the punchbag hanging from the ceiling and the fighting staffs arranged on a rack at the wall. _Have I been training here?_

He must have. It all feels like a dream, maybe he's just stuck in one. His stomach growls and he guesses it's time to find Isabelle or one of the others anyway. Walking around this place without any aim is useless to him.

* * *

 

Jace swallows and sends his mind back to a few hours ago. He had been getting ready to go on a walk. Checking the perimeter while getting some air, should anyone ever ask. They all knew what he was doing anyway. He just needed to get out at times, more often the longer his parabatai was missing. He was suffering in a way the others couldn't comprehend, simply because they weren't connected to Alec in that way. Part of him had been lost together with his best friend, and it had left a void in him. The only one suffering even more was probably Magnus. Jace had hoped they would be able to be there for each other through it all, but the signs had been clear that that wasn't going to work out after the incident with Magnus going all mad warlock on them and hurting Izzy. He and Simon had been livid, not making any excuses for him but Clary had eventually talked them down. And then Magnus had pretty much stayed away.

It was a vague sensation he didn't even notice at first. Then something like a heartbeat, then... he just knew. And he was close, so close, he started running, calling out Alec's name over and over, his body going wild with the adrenaline pumping through it. He almost tumbled over when he had to stop so abruptly because of the body lying on the ground only a few feet away from him.

Everything seemed to happen in slowmotion then. He stepped closer carefully, got onto his knees and turned the body towards him, tears filling his eyes. Alec. It was really him, but he wasn't conscious. However, he was definitely breathing! Before Jace could decide what to do, Alec's eyes opened and met his. Jace could barely contain the sob that was forcing its way out of his throat. He held Alec's body as tight as never before, crying almost uncontrollably for a minute.

“ _Who... are you? Where... am I?” Jace startles, freezes and pulls back to look at his best friend, his brother. He wipes his eyes, loosening his grip on the other man._

“ _Alec? What are you saying? It's me! Jace.” The blond is looking for the recognition to appear in Alec's hazel eyes, in vain._

Jace had been scared, shocked, confused, but all he knew to do, all he could do, was to take Alec back to the Institute. Alec had gone with him, but he seemed out of it, not quite there with him. But he was there, and he was alive, everything else would fall into place. Or so he had hoped.

There hadn't been anything suspicious, nothing out of place Jace could remember. He described to Magnus where he had found Alec, and Magnus called Ragnor to send him to check for any strange activity, any trace that could help them. He would have gone himself, but he physically couldn't leave the place Alec was at. He was secretly glad that the Lightwood parents weren't present at the Institute. They had never truly accepted their relationship, Robert coming close, but Maryse was another matter altogether, and he didn't want to deal with her right now. Izzy had to have informed them about their son's return anyway, and they probably wouldn't have a whole lot of time without them interfering.

He still had to hurry to come up with a plan. He wanted to 'examine' Alec, in a magic kind of way, but under the given circumstances, he didn't want to scare the younger man. He already knew that he had never, in all his hundreds of years, come across anything similar to what had happened to Alec. The unknown was always the worst enemy, and he didn't know whether he could ever shake off this fear that had been eating away at him for so long and even now hadn't grown any weaker.

Five heads turn simultaneously as Alec enters the room. He looks a little taken aback with everyone staring. “I.. uh, that guy out there said you were in here and it was OK to join you.” His hand goes to his neck, rubbing it in embarrassment.

The gesture is so familiar to all of them, it hurts them all in different ways. Magnus doesn't understand how it's possible for him to be so much himself, yet... it hurts so bad. And he sees the same hurt in Izzy's expression and Jace's body language.

“Hey, sure! I'm Simon, by the way, Izzy's boyfriend.” Simon's walked over, stretched out a hand and grins at Alec joyfully. Alec looks a little stunned but shakes the offered hand and smiles a little. “I guess you already know who I am.” His smile doesn't falter and the tension leaves the room. “Yeah, and before anyone tells you otherwise, we've been the best of friends from day one! You totally love me!”

“Simon!” Izzy says reproachfully before she smirks slightly, Clary chuckles and even Jace grins softly. Just Magnus seems to be unable to appreciate what's happening. He can't but stare at Alec, and when the young Shadowhunter meets his gaze for a moment, chills are running in waves over the warlock's body. He's beyond jealous of the vampire holding Alec's hand, but he swallows the notion down bitterly.

Alec takes his hand back and regards Simon suspiciously for a moment, however, he doesn't have a clue if what he said is right or wrong, and being his sister's boyfriend, he can't have disliked him too much, right?

“Do you need anything?” Izzy steps closer, watching her older brother fondly.

Alec blinks and then remembers. “Oh, yeah, I wanted to ask who I have to bribe here to get some food, I'm starving.” Alec's words elicit a few more grins from people, but Magnus freezes, remembering the last time he had read those words from Alexander, the day he had gone missing. He feels so close to losing it once again, it takes so much willpower to remain calm and pretend he's OK with this ridiculously insane situation. He also feels like an asshole for obviously not appreciating enough that Alec is back. But it's not that... he just... all those months he wanted nothing more than to hold his love once more, and now that he's right here, merely a few steps away from him, he _can't_.

Alec wouldn't know what to do with him being like this, and Magnus wouldn't be able to let go, and most of all he can't because Alec wouldn't feel the same as him. He doesn't feel the same, he doesn't remember _him, them, their life, their love. Nothing._

That realisation feels like infinite cuts to his soul.

“Magnus? Are you coming?” Clary. He blinks and looks at her confused. She's the only one left with him now. “We're taking Alec out to dinner, to that Italian place he likes so much, a familiar place, you know?” Magnus can see how bad she feels for him, how much she pities him. He feels sudden hatred for himself flare up, nods and leaves the room without a word.

If Alec doesn't remember the place he grew up in or even his own sister and parabatai, do they honestly think a stupid restaurant would trigger his memories? He doesn't think so, but he's joining them anyway, not ever going to leave Alec alone at any place, any time, never again.

* * *

Dinner is quite enjoyable, if your name isn't Magnus Bane. He sat down last, the furthest away from Alec as his emotional turmoil grants keeping a safe distance, also he can watch him and their surroundings most efficiently that way. He keeps out of their conversations, pretending to listen and eats without tasting the food. All he's able to do is watch the young man and wreck his brain. _What happened to you? Where have you been all this time? Who wiped your memories and HOW could they do it without leaving a single clue behind?!_

Ragnor didn't find anything, and though Magnus didn't have much hope, his mood turns even more grave after getting that piece of news.

“So, wait, you're saying you're a vampire? How'd that happen?” Alec is turned to Simon who's sitting a chair away from him with Izzy between them. “Oh, that's a very long and very profound story.” Simon brags a little, grinning.

“A vampire seduced and bit him and Clary buried him because she didn't want to let him die.” Jace retorts and Clary pushes her elbow into his side but too late.

Simon's face falls and he sighs defeatedly. “Well, there was a bit more to it than that, but basically, yes.”

  
Alec smiles vaguely, taking everything and everyone in once more. He doesn't exactly feel uncomfortable right now. Even though he doesn't really know these people, they seem very in sync with each other and they have a way of making him feel welcome and include him. Except Magnus. All that man ever seems to do is watch him and look sour. Alec wonders how the Asian man fits into this little group but he thinks it would be rude to ask. Clary had said he's _a very good friend_ of theirs and himself. He doesn't have any reason to question this, but something definitely feels off about the guy.

* * *

It's almost 10 pm when they're walking back to the Institute. It's a mild night for it being November. They chat in low voices, sometimes laughing at something someone said, while Magnus is trailing behind. The scene before him is so bizarre he doesn't know how it can be reality. It's as if Alec was never gone almost, as if everything would be alright, but _nothing_ is alright! Nothing at all! He can't pretend like the others seem to have no qualms about. But then it's so different for them. Alec's _only_ their brother and friend. They can talk and tell him stories and make him smile and laugh... being a brother and a friend is normal, it's fine. Being... gay and in love with another man, warlock, when you completely forgot about those small details is on another level entirely.

Jace, Simon and Clary say goodnight to Alec shortly after they arrived. Izzy and Magnus are talking quietly, waiting for Alec to change in his room. Izzy actually delayed telling their parents about Alec's return when she learned about his condition. She had to inform them eventually though, but she may have bought them all a little more time. Their parents don't want Max to know which makes Izzy rather bitter. Their brother has a right to know and he's not a small, helpless child... but she will wait, for now.

Magnus is debating whether he should stay here or let Isabelle watch over her brother tonight and come back in the morning, when they will have to have a serious talk about this situation. Being all nice and chitchatty and wanting to make it easier for Alec is all noble, but ignoring the problem instead of facing it and looking for a solution is unacceptable.

There's a yell coming from Alec's room suddenly, and Magnus and Izzy are in there within a second. They certainly hadn't expected the sight greeting them.

Alec is standing in the middle of the room, barefeet, wearing black sweatpants and the white T-shirt, his arms awkwardly angled up towards his head, and on his head is...

“Chairman?!” Magnus is truly surprised at the cat balancing on the young man's head. The Chairman meows and pushes his paws into Alec's hair, purring. Alec's expression is so perplexed that Izzy's outright laughing and even Magnus can't suppress the grin. Church is there, too, stretched out on Alec's bed, watching the scene with clearly visible contentedness.

“You little devils.” Magnus feels a surge of longing, regret and guilt at seeing their cats. It must have been at least three weeks since he last saw them. Izzy's been looking after them very well, which makes him feel very grateful and even guiltier.

“Chairman?” Alec's expression is still rather bewildered but he's letting his arms fall to his sides.

“Chairman Meow, and that's Church, yours and Ma-, I mean, our cats.” She sends Magnus an apologetic look, his eyes had started to grow dangerously narrow. She just about saved herself.

“Come here you little furry ball, you gotta introduce yourself first before attacking someone like that.” She takes the cat from Alec's head carefully - he bent down a little to give her access - and cuddles him to her chest, smiling up at her brother. “They've missed you a lot, as well.”

Alec's looking suspiciously at the cat and runs his hands through his hair, making sure it's alright, tousling it even more in the process. Magnus feels a series of painful jolts in his chest. He'd give absolutely _anything to touch..._

“I don't even know how they got in here, I'm sure I closed the door.” Having a cat you don't know exists lying in your bed all of a sudden is one thing, but having one also jump on your head?! He truly hadn't expected that!

The grey striped, furry ball of happiness is purring extremely loudly, stretching its head towards Alec and his hand comes up automatically, his fingers scratching the cat between his ears. A tender smile appears on his face and he looks breathtakingly beautiful. Magnus can't stay, his hands forming into fists and tears threatening behind his eyes. He leaves without saying a word, they don't even notice before he closes the door on them.

Alec frowns. “What's up with him? He's been... strange.”

Izzy swallows, biting her cheek before she can say something she shouldn't. She puts the cat into Alec's arms who's susprised for a moment but quickly gets used to having the warm, soft animal pressed against him, nuzzling his chin. He certainly likes cats, at least this one!

“Don't worry, he's just got a lot on his mind. Come sit, I'll tell you some more about our little brother, Max, and the mischief he used to get into all the time.” She grins, sits down on the bed and strokes Church who lets her. She needn't ask twice, Alec feels like he has a never-ending thirst for learning more about his former life and the people in it and he can't wait to meet Max at some point, preferably when he can remember something again... at this moment he feels rather hopeful for this to happen, at least some day.

* * *

Magnus decides to go back to the loft, to take a shower, change clothes, get some reading material about memory spells and such, and then he's back at the Institute. He magicks his couch into the training area which is secluded at this time of night, watches the punchbag with fond sadness for a moment and then makes himself comfortable, reading most of the night while also conferring with Ragnor and Catarina via text messages. They have been looking further into the matter, but as expected, unsuccessfully so far.

He did get some rest, enough and more than he is used to anymore, and so he takes the couch back to the loft, makes himself presentable, forces himself to be more himself again, the way Alec got to know him, some blue streaks in his hair, make up and glitter and fashionable clothing included, and portals himself back once again. It's still early, not even 6.30 am but to his surprise, Alec is up and walking the empty corridor, a thoughtful expression on his pretty face. Magnus shoves all those stupid, distracting feelings aside and greets him with a soft, but confident smile.

“Good morning, Alexa- Alec. You're up bright and early.” He curses himself for that mishap, it's just too familiar, even though he hasn't called Alec by _his_ name in so long.

The young man startles a little, obviously surprised to have company at this time of day as well. A smile twitches on his lips. “Morning. I couldn't sleep anymore, unlike those cats.”

Magnu's eyes widen slightly at that information. So the cats stayed with him? Of course, they would! He swallows down a lump in his throat, the smile firmly in place.

“Oh yes, cats can sleep anywhere, any time, some of the felines are as bad as sloths, or so I heard.”

Alec's smile widens a little and he's holding eye contact. “Right. I... I'm sure that's possible.” His beautiful hazel eyes are taking in Magnus' face and the warlock feels rather pleased with this development. Even if he can't tell Alec about them, he can still try to make those feelings the younger man harbored for Magnus reappear. No matter how long it will take. This morning he is ready to fight. He'd go to the end of the earth for his Alexander, he practically already has, and he'll do it over and again if that's what it takes.

Magnus would definitely have liked to stay alone with him for longer but the other three Shadowhunters appear soon, and of course, the vampire who can never keep his nose out of anything. _Okay, that was mean, Magnus._ He's just trying to find his _lovely_ , sarcastic self again.

They go back to the room they were occupying last night to be undisturbed. Magnus is pleased to see the same _we need to talk business_ expressions on his friends' faces as he knows is on his own. However, before he can start, Alec has a question.

“So, I've been wondering this morning, you know, my old room is all empty, where's all my stuff? Have I been living somewhere else?”

One could hear all five faces drop and four pairs of eyes shoot to look at Magnus at once. Now, the warlock isn't as faced as that, it's easy enough to make up something, a storage place for safekeeping, something like this.

Simon takes it upon himself to save the day, however. “Yes, well, you have actually, with Clary, and her mother, Jocelyn, and her husband, Luke.”

Clary blinks in confusion, Jace raises an unimpressed eyebrow, Izzy just refrains from rolling her eyes and slapping her boyfriend. And Magnus wants to strangle him. What kind of nonsense is that?!

Alec frowns and is about to probably question this even more, but Magnus sweeps right in. “Look, we can talk living arrangements and getting some of your possessions back here later, right now we really have more urgent matters to address.” Luckily, everyone agrees.

“Oh yeah, magic.” Simon's smile lasts only briefly before he feels everyone's murderous looks on himself. Alec just looks more confused, and Magnus will throw the vampire out should he utter one more word aloud. Simon gets the message finally.

“Magic?” Alec inquires, looking around at everyone curiously. “I thought only warlocks can do that, and fairies, um, I mean seelies.”

Jace only half manages to suppress a snort and grin and Alec gestures at him clumsily, apologetic, but feeling rather amused himself.

Magnus doesn't want to play the bad guy and spoilsport, but they've really wasted too much precious time already!

“You're quite right with that, Alec, and fortunately for you, I am the High Warlock of Brooklyn, and know a thing or two about magic.”

Alec chuckles softly, surprising everyone. “What? That's actually a thing? I mean, really?”

Magnus gives him a challenging look, secretly pleased to see Alec rather joyful, even if it's at his expense.

“Yes, it certainly is. And here's the plan. I'm going to use my magic to... examine you, for remnants of anything that might tell us what happened to you.” He also wants to try to pull those memories from wherever they may be hidden. He's quite confident he can do it if they're still there. He has to try!

The young shadowhunter regards him with a guarded look, not sure whether he should like this development. He guesses it really depends on how Magnus (a warlock? Why had no one told him before?) would use magic on him exactly, and whether it would hurt.

“I assure you it's painless.” Alec's mouth opens the tiniest amount, startled by Magnus' words. Can he read minds, or something? Can warlocks do that? “I wasn't... I mean... good.” He's shifting a little nervously, wanting to keep face in front of these people. Being a shadowhunter he can't have been a coward!

“Good, let's start right away, everyone who isn't Alec or myself, leave this room right about... now.” He gestures them all out and they obey rather sullenly. Of course they would have liked to observe this spectacle, but Magnus doesn't need curious onlookers right now. He would never admit to it, but he feels a little nervous himself.

“So, how-” Alec can't finish the sentence, a cot appears in the room as Magnus snips his fingers. “Please, lie down, it will be more comfortable.” Alec follows the warlock's arm towards the cot, taking a deep breath inwardly. He doesn't like to think it, but he feels a little intimidated and less sure with only Magnus now. He hardly knows anything about him. And the revelation of him being a warlock and all... _very good friend_. Alright, he'll just have to trust him, what choice does he have? He wants to know what's wrong with him more than anyone else, and if Magnus' magic can help with that, he's going to go through with it!

“Relax, you'll probably feel a kind of prickly energy, a bit like an electric shock, but completely harmless.” Alec's extremely tense when he's lying on that cot, the warlock standing over him. Relax? Right. Should be easy...

“You can close your eyes if you prefer. I'm going to start now.” Alec takes another deep breath and closes his eyes momentarily, but he needs to see what's happening.

Blue flames, or energy, sparks – he's not sure how to describe it – are coming out of Magnus' hands. That's magic? The moment the blue stuff touches him he knows what Magnus has been talking about. His body is prickling all over, but it's really not unpleasent. He can certainly deal with that, and relaxes visibly after a minute.

Magnus is pleased and continues, chanting a spell to intensify his magic. He moves from Alec's toes slowly upwards to his torso and neck. He can't detect anything, which leaves Alec's head. The moment his magic dips inside, Magnus feels... something. He can't tell what yet or even where exactly, but he's so thrilled to finally have found _something._ He works his magic in deeper into Alec's mind, the younger man aware of the change, but he's not alarmed, yet.

Magnus' eyes close and he's chanting yet another spell in a language Alec has never heard. He feels another change, like a headache coming on. It's still managable, though. Sweat is building on his forehead and neck and his limbs are starting to twitch lightly. The headache is growing and he contemplates telling the warlock to stop. But maybe it's over any second...?

Magnus is lost in the spell, the magic, so determined to finally learn what happened, he doesn't register the warning signs Alec is showing. He digs deeper and deeper, so close to grasp it-

Alec screams and bolts upright the moment Magnus is startled out of his trance and pulls his hands away. Alec is holding his head with both hands, eyes pressed shut, panting, his shirt drenched in sweat.

Magnus is too stunned to react before the door is pulled open speedily, Jace, Izzy, Clary and Simon appearing, throwing questions at them, Izzy by her brother's side in an instant, looking him over, inquiring what's wrong, where he's hurt, because it's obvious that he is, and it's Magnus' fault.

He let himself get too distracted, he hurt _Alec._ Magnus is actually shaking, stumbling backwards until his back hits the wall.

He can see the same hurt, anger and disappointment in their faces as the night Izzy got hurt, _because of him._ He hadn't meant to... not then, not now... he just wanted to... _Monster. That's all you'll ever be._

They're not saying anything, and Alec seems to calm down, claiming he's OK, but they take him out to rest in his room anyway, and Magnus is left on his own, a vicious dread chaining itself around his heart like a snake ready to squash it.

 


	4. On My Own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For every kudos and comment, thanks millions, I SO appreciate it! This chapter is quite long again and rather 'nice', but more angst will come for sure...

He just about composed himself enough to face people again, when he runs into no other than Maryse Lightwood, her husband close behind her. “Magnus! Of course you would make yourself at home here while we're gone. Where's my son?”

The contemplating tone of her voice is nothing remotely new to Magnus, but seeing how guilty and even vulnerable he is feeling just now... but there's no way he would let her see that. Her timing is impeccable, truly. If she finds out what not even half an hour ago happened, and that it's his fault, she'll probably try to slit his throat or something similar.

He stands as tall and as confident as he can manage, facing her head on. “He's resting, and I suggest you get yourself back under control before you traumatize him. He doesn't remember your lovely personality traits, or even your face, so I suggest you take this chance of a lifetime and show him a kind, caring, motherly side before he regains his memories and remembers the witch you really are.”

Robert is about to say something, no doubt, to put him in his place, but his wife's hand comes up to shush him, an unsettling expression in her eyes as she continues to watch Magnus with scrutiny. “So, what you are saying is that Alec doesn't remember us, any of us?”

Magnus must admit he feels a little startled. He thought Isabelle had told them... or maybe, she only just realized the extent, and that's on him! Can't he do anything right today? He fishes for a good comeback but she already saw through him, she knows.

She knows Alec doesn't remember Magnus and he knows that she'll use this against him any way she can. And not wanting Alec to find out about this, none of them, especially not Magnus himself, will be able to do much about it.

He doesn't even know how Alec is, what he thinks and feels about what happened, about the warlock who is supposed to be a good friend to him, but didn't have himself enough under control to stop himself before hurting him.

Maryse's triumphant glare makes him feel about an inch tall and he watches as they walk off. He could tear down this whole damn building – he won't, of course – but he feels so helpless again, such a failure. And he can't stay. The chance of them not finding out are too slim and he can't defend himself, not in front of himself, probably not even in front of them, especially not Alec, and he's useless to him anyway.

Alec doesn't need him, he needs his family and friends right now. Magnus is nothing to him at this moment, and he needs to figure out what to do from here, whether to do anything or, for once, wait and see what will happen. Alec's memories may come back all on their own, in time. Or not.

He shudders remembering what he felt in Alec's mind, but he has too little knowledge about what it could be, and he'd probably do more damage to the young man, attempting to find out more. If he'd even let him. Maybe there is simply nothing he can do about any of it.

Hard to fathom that less than an hour ago he was so ready and determined to fight, to succeed. But he's brought this on himself. He sees Clary's red hair appear in the corner of his eye and quickly opens and steps through a portal to get away. He just needs to... be away from them, from Alec. Maybe all he can do for the man he loves more than he ever thought he could is stay as far away as possible.

* * *

It wasn't quite that far, but for two days Magnus had stayed at Ragnor's place, hiding away, drinking and instead of eating, drinking some more, waving every one of Ragnor's attempts to talk sense into him off. He knew he was wallowing in self-pity, and that he'd have to face all that he'd rather ignore again soon, but for the time being he opened another bottle of 18th century whiskey.

Clary had tried to call him a dozen times, and eventually sent a text, telling him he shouldn't be a coward and come back, and that Alec was alright and there didn't seem to be any lasting damage. Magnus had only cared for the last part, feeling slightly more at ease, but the guilt and dread were too overpowering to grant his tortured mind relief.

Ragnor had finally had enough and _thrown him out_. So if he didn't really want to disappear properly he didn't have much of a choice but to go back to the loft, sort himself out, and find out what kind of damage control he could opt for, if any.

* * *

To not be an even bigger asshole he sent Clary a text, informing her of his return but also warning her and the others of using this opportunity to gang up on him.

He's been back for less than an hour when someone knocks on his door. Really? They were decent enough to wait _this_ long?

He just about finished making himself presentable, pulling on silky navy blue pants. He throws a gold silk shirt on, only bothering to close the first few buttons from downwards up, leaving his chest bare, and walks barefeet out of his – there's no theirs, not right now - bedroom. He waves his hand to open the front door, “Come on in whoever you are!”, he's using his sarcastic singsong voice, and awaits the intruders in his living-room. He feels him before he sees him, but he's too shocked to really believe...

His mouth agape he stares as none other than Alec Lightwood himself enters with careful steps, his whole demeanor telling Magnus how uncomfortable he's feeling about coming here unannounced. And why would he? And on his own? Why? Magnus needs too long a moment to get himself together.

“I, I'm really sorry for barging in like this, I don't mean to bother you, I just wanted to... to see how you are, but I can leave if you're busy.”

Magnus feels the earnesty in Alec's deep, stuttery voice, in his body language, in the way he tries to glance everywhere at once, the way he's got one foot set to turn immediately and leave, should Magnus tell him to. Another stab wound to Magnus' heart, but they are countless by now.

_Snap out of it, Bane!_

“There's no need to apologize, Alec.” The young man in front of him is the _very_ _last person_ to ever have to say sorry for anything to him. Magnus seriously doesn't know how much more he can take.

“Please, come in, sit, would you like a drink? Some food?” Of course he doesn't care for that! He came to see how _Magnus_ was doing?! The warlock can't get his head around that, better to ignore it for now.

“How are you? Your head? I am so sorry.” He means to step forward but almost violently holds himself back, not wanting to see any sign of trepidation, of fear in Alec's eyes. _Stay away._

There's enough hesitation and insecurity showing on the young shadowhunter's face already, but to Magnus' surprise the tall, dark-haired man takes a few steps closer to him. Magnus swallows, his skin tingling all over. He better not come much closer, he doesn't know what- exactly – he doesn't _know._

“I'm fine, really. I told them to tell you, just... well, they said you were gone, some business.”

Business? They actually made excuses for him? Magnus smiles softly, sadly. “I was gone, yes. But I should have made sure you were alright first. What happened-”

“I don't blame you for that, that's what I'm really here to say.” Magnus is shocked into silence and Alec's running a nervous hand through his hair.

“I know you were trying to help. It didn't really work out, but we had to try.”

_We._ Magnus just wants to wrap himself around Alec and not let go for the next few years...

“It was still my responsibility, Alec, and I should never have been so careless. You shouldn't be so lenient with me, after all, you don't really know me.” Saying those words shouldn't hurt _this_ much.

“I know, but Isabelle told me a lot, Jace and Clary, too. About what we've been doing together, and how often you helped us, and I get why you're friends with them, I mean, us.”

Magnus feels alarmed immediately, but surely they wouldn't ever... No, they really wouldn't. Friends. Yes, they're friends. He nods and offers Alec a seat on the couch again which the young man takes this time. Magnus sits down as well, the furthest away from Alec, who is looking around the room curiously, as if he were seeing it for the first time.

He knows he's staring, taking in the perfect shape of his visitor's profile, throat, chin, lips, nose, forehead. He'd studied that face religiously every single day and not having been able to for months, he now feels he's dying of thirst and has finally found that one live-saving well, yet he is incapable of actually getting close enough...

“Nice place.”

Magnus blinks, not having noticed that Alec actually turned to look at him. He quickly drops his eyes, shows a small smile and folds his hands tightly to stop himself from picking on his fingers, hiding his nervous tic.

“Yes, I have quite extraordinary tastes.” Hazel green amber eyes lock with chocolate gold brown ones and there's a tender quietness filling the room, only streaked with two heartbeats.

Alec turns away first and Magnus curses himself. “So, you haven't had any more headaches, or any other discomforts I ought to know about?”

The young man shakes his head, glancing his way again. “I went to see some healer in Idris, my... parents made me.”

_Ah, of course,_ Magnus thinks bitterly, also having gotten the confirmation now that the Lightwoods know, but he expected no less anyway.

“Good, I heard they're pretty good at what they're doing.” At least _they_ didn't hurt him in the first place.

Alec shrugs, nods, pulls on his jacket before dropping his hands back to his lap, glancing up and down, as if he were nervous about something. Magnus _knows_ him, every single detail about him, and even now, having lost his memories, his behavior hasn't changed. Magnus almost wishes it would have, maybe it wouldn't all be so painful then.

“What is it, Alec? I can tell there's something on your mind and you're trying to figure out wether to tell me or not.”

Alec stares at him and Magnus can't but grin. “I know all of my friends very well, so just ease your mind and tell me, no matter what it is, I assure you I can handle it.” He sounds startlingly sure of himself, inwardly feeling as if Alec would only have to blow on him to break him – in case of that thing on his mind not being in his favor.

“It's just... I'm not sure... I mean, I don't know how to...” Magnus is propelled back to a time when Alec had rushed to help him heal Luke's wounds from a werewolf fight, and them having drinks later that night. The adorable way Alec had stumbled for words back then, and on so many other occasions, and now... it feels like traveling back in time.

“It's alright, just say it with whatever words you have, I'll understand.” There's so much warmth, so much care in Magnus' voice, Alec is stunned silent for another long minute. He grasps his fingers together, glances down, takes a deep breath and opens his mouth, dreading what might come out this time.

“It's just my parents... actually, my mother, she said some things I haven't been able to stop thinking about.” That look in Alec's eyes clearly states that those _things_ were at least involving Magnus. It's been two days and Maryse has had nothing better to do than try to corrupt her son's fragile mind with her poison. He feels sick.

“I guess I just forgot the whole shadowhunter, downworlder stuff... that we're not supposed to... you know... be friends.” It's not a knife, not a dagger, not even a katana but a whole longsword with jagged edges that is plunged right through Magnus, sowing away at his flesh and bones.

What could he possibly say to that? And does that mean Alec believes her? But then, why...

“Why did you come?” He remembers having asked Alec that same question a long time ago and in a different context. His voice sounds fragile, plagued with sorrow even to his own ears, but he cannot pretend just now.

“I'm not sure,” Magnus' face falls even more, the sword turning in his gut, “I mean, I understand some of it, and I've read up on our history, but,” he shrugs, rubs his face and sighs, then meets the warlock's eyes again, “I guess I don't really care.” The warlock's heart stops, the sword still.

Alec glances down. “I don't believe that my sister would date a downworlder if she had to fear anything from him, and, well, you know Simon better than me, I just don't see how he has one bad bone in his body, vampire or not... and you...” He trails off, swallowing hard, glancing over at Magnus, his heartbeat resounding like drums in his ears.

Magnus is frozen, hanging on Alec's lips, awaiting his next words as if they could provide eternal salvation to his soul.

“And also, there's been really vicious Shadowhunters about, like that Valentine and his followers.”

Magnus blinks, feeling like he just involuntarily took part in a time leap and missed whatever it was Alec said between _and you_ and that unimportant Valentine business.

Magnus' thoughts are toppling over one another in his mind, which basically _never_ happens. _Take a deep breath._

“What were you going to say before? About me?” _See, wasn't that hard._ He needs to stop talking to himself.

Alec looks rather uncomfortable now, and Magnus doesn't want him to ever feel this way, let alone be the reason, but he _needs_ to know.

“Well, just... as you said I don't really know you, and... you were, are, confusing me... just how you... were...” Alec gestures vaguely, clearly embarrassed to be telling him this, but a certain spark of determined courage apears in his eyes, Magnus would recognise anywhere, any time and the sword that was figuratively stuck inside him, disappears.

“I just want to get to know you all by myself and not just believe whatever anyone tells me, you know? I need to figure things out on my own, even though I feel like a blind man stumbling around a room full of obstacles.” The soft, genuine smile Alec offers Magnus is squelching the warlock's heart, but in a good way, for a change.

“Alexander, you have always been one to amaze the people around you.” Especially him. The name slips naturally, because, no matter what, even if he'll never regain any memory at all, this is _his Alexander_ and no one could convince him otherwise. And he knows he shouldn't feel this yearning, this hopeful little piece of bliss that could shatter again any moment, and who knows how many more times he could actually cope with it? But... he couldn't help it if he tried. Not when he's so close, looking directly into the man's eyes who holds Magnus' heart and soul in his hands, regardless of him being aware of this.

* * *

Alec felt somewhat alleviated when he left Magnus' place. He had been tremendously anxious about going to see the warlock, more so when he had come the first time, just to find he wasn't there. Izzy and Clary had tried to ease his mind, telling him Magnus had some business to attend to, but he just had had that intuitive notion, that in fact, the older man was feeling worse about what had happened than the others wanted him to know.

He also couldn't quite explain to himself why he wasn't mad at Magnus. Jace had been very angry, ranting on about things Alec didn't really understand and Clary had told the blond off quick enough. He had left in a huff, leaving the girls and Simon with Alec. He had never felt such pain, well, if he had, he wouldn't know. It was as if something was trying to burst out of his mind from the deepest place within. Thankfully the agony had only lasted a few seconds and the pain had lessened quickly. For the most part only a subtle throbbing remained, and he could deal with that.

After a shower he had felt much better and meant to talk to Magnus right away, but, to his surprise, two people being introduced by Isabelle as his parents had arrived, and he'd had no chance. They had hugged him, squeezed him tightly, thankfully not showing tears. He didn't really think about whether that was normal or not as he felt like he was the least viable source for determining that.

They hadn't let him out of their sight, asked him questions, a lot of which he wasn't able to answer, reassured him, told him how relieved and happy they were that he was back where he belonged and he had felt quite overwhelmed with it all. And then he had felt a remnant pang of pain from earlier and when his mother had inquired about it, he hadn't thought anything of it... he merely mentioned Magnus' name, and his mother had changed so drastically. Her eyes became so cold and vicious that he had felt a shiver along his spine.

He had noticed the sad, regretful look in his sister's eyes and though he still didn't know what was going on, he felt that he had tread into a field full of landmines. His mother hadn't said much at the time, but the moment she had caught him alone, she had given him a book to read and told him in many details why shadowhunters weren't supposed to converse with downworlders, warlocks particularly, except when they were of use to them, of course. She had been condescending in her statements and he had felt patronized by her, which had stuck with him like a bitter aftertaste.

Next she had sent him to Idris to get thoroughly checked out, and though he had told her that he was really fine, there was no saying No to her.

He had pondered a lot over her behavior, her words drenched in resentment and contempt, and whether she'd always been that way, and the first thing he did when he came back, with a clean bill of health, was to ask Izzy, Clary and Jace (Simon had been gone when their parents came back) to tell him about how their friendship with Magnus came about.

Although he felt like he didn't just want to take anyone's words as the law, he couldn't but find himself trusting those three people more than what his mother had told him.

Asking Isabelle what their parents' thoughts were on her being with Simon, the look on her face made his insides squeeze. “She basically denies his existence, and dad... he's not so bad but he pretty much goes along with whatever she wants.” Alec had frowned at that, feeling more confused and saddened for Isabelle who was clearly in love with the vampire and even from what little he had seen, Simon worshipped the ground she walked on. Surely that was what every parent wanted for their child?

It was then that he decided to go see Magnus and Isabelle helped him slip out undetected. The second, successful, time, he had managed on his own, after finding out from Clary that Magnus was actually back.

His whole body had been shaking with nervous jitters and he had wanted to turn back several times, but again, he just didn't want to be a coward!

What he hadn't anticipated was the way his heart skipped a beat at the sight of the warlock. The blue streaks he'd had before were gone but that didn't let his hair appear any less stylish. He wore dark blue eyeshadow, fitting the color of his pants, and Alec was sure he had never seen a shade of gold as bright as the one of Magnus' shirt. What took Alec's main attention, however, was Magnus' skin, and the vast amount of it.

Once before he had thought how nice the slightly darker, creamy shade of Magnus' skin had looked. That time in the early morning when he'd met him alone in the Institute, all dressed up and made up like Alec hadn't seen him before. He had been surprised, but not unpleasently so.

But at the loft, Magnus' shirt had been halfway open, showing the middle of his smooth chest down to the start of his stomach exposed and Alec had felt slightly agitated trying to keep his eyes on the warlock's face.

The young shadowhunter hadn't been sure what to make of these sorts of sensations, but he hadn't been troubled enough by them to overanalyse them, either. They were simply there, just like everything else he kept feeling.

What had truly troubled him was the certainty he felt that he'd make a fool of himself, or that Magnus turned out to be just like his mother would want Alec to believe every warlock, every downworlder was. Selfish, cruel, ready to prey on weaker beings, betraying everyone in their path, incapable of real feelings, power-hungry, greedy and willing to use any means and anyone for their personal gain and _perverse desires,_ which she had stressed a few times.

Alec hadn't seen any of that in Magnus, and he chose to make up his own mind, listen to what his inner voice was telling him, which was literally all he had to go by in every aspect concerning this world he was suddenly thrown in.

Alec wasn't surprised about the name anymore, he had found out his birthname was Alexander Gideon Lightwood, but everyone had called him Alec so far, but he was _surprised_ about the tone of Magnus' voice, the tenderness with which it was laced, eliciting a vibrant thrumming sensation in his chest.

* * *

“Hey, big brother, how was your talk with Magnus?” Izzy greets him that evening a couple of hours after he came back from the loft, had dinner with the family and excused himself, saying that he was tired, to get some alone time in his room.

When he had entered it, there were _things_ inside. Like clothes, books, an additional chair, a music player and CDs, a couple of portraits of beautiful nature scenes on the walls, deep red velvet curtains framing the window, his bow and quiver no longer just leaning by the closet, but held up securely by a rack on the wall. Someone had been busy in there. Oh, not to forget, the cats were there as well, curled up with each other amidst his pillow, both cocking up their heads and starting to purr when he entered.

He gives her a little smile and bids her in before he takes his former place on the bed, his hand going immediately to stroke the Chairman and Church in turns. “Better than I thought. I think he was nervous, too, but I told him I won't just believe whatever people tell me, no matter who they are, and figure stuff out by myself. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, or he's an amazing actor, and according to our mother he's capable of _anything,_ which is why I will get to know him and see for myself.”

He's been looking ahead, lost in thoughts but his attention snaps back to Isabelle when he's done talking. She's grinning from ear to ear. “You know, it is so good to see you're still you, even without your memories. Never let anyone manipulate you into believing anything, not even me, and though you will find out by yourself in time, just know that Magnus didn't just help us countless of times, he also saved some of us, and he's a wonderful man,” she holds up a hand as she noticed Alec's mouth opening to say something but shushes him, “and that's all I'm going to say about him, you'll see.”

She gets off the chair, leans down and kisses his cheek. “Goodnight, big brother, sleep tight.” Alec watches her in surprise. “Goodnight, Izzy.” At least calling her by her nickname feels kind of right already. But damn, he forgot to ask who's responsible for his room!

He'll have to wait until tomorrow now, seeing that he's left with two sleepy, purring furballs on his lap.

* * *

_Darkness. Silence. Weightlessness. His body must be drifting. He's reaching out his hands into the dark void, but there's nothing to touch, not even wind, it doesn't even feel like air, he has never known anything remotely like this. He can't hear a single sound, not even when he moves his limbs about. He should hear something, but he could as well be deaf, and blind._

_Something in his head is telling him that he's been here before, it's trying to warn him, but the warning isn't getting through to his consciousness, it's trapped inside the fog that's clouding his mind._

_And then he's being pulled and falling and suddenly he remembers but it's too late and even if it weren't, what happens is inevitable, beyond his capabilities to change any of it._

_He's falling, endlessly, until his body is thumping onto a hard surface. He moans with the pain, but at least he could feel that. He could also hear himself, but the darkness hasn't yielded._

_He gets up slowly, carefully. Something is trickling along his temple, his cheek. He reaches a hand to touch it. Warm, wet. He can feel his head hurting now. But there's nothing he can do. He takes cautious steps, his arms outstretched, he can hear his footsteps._

_With all his courage gathered he opens his mouth and speaks tentatively. “Hello?” He can hear his voice, but it gets swallowed by the blackness around him. He tries another time, louder. “Hello? Is anyone here?” Again, he calls, shouts, yells for anyone to hear him, but there's only the voidness._

_He doesn't know how long he's been wandering, there's no sense of time, of direction, of purpose. His head is throbbing and his legs are aching. Minutes, hours, days, it doesn't mean anything here, wherever here is._

_He takes another step, trips on something on the ground and just about manages to break his fall. What was that? His heart is pounding madly in his chest, sweat pearls have built on his skin, running along until they get soaked up in his clothes. He crouches down and feels around gingerly. His fingertips brush against something and it takes all of his willpower not to pull back again, he needs to find out what it is._

_It feels like cloth, fabric, warmth, something solid... a body! He flinches backwards, falling on his butt. Why is a body lying there, who is it? And... are they dead or alive? “Hello? Who's there? Are you OK?” He holds his breath but there's no answer. Shit._

_He has no choice but to check, find a pulse or heartbeat. The body still felt warm at least. He's shuffling over, reaching out his hand once again but higher this time, to about where he would think the torso would be. He guessed well and finds it, leans down to be able to hear something above his own drumming heart._

_There's nothing there and hope fails him, but then, very quietly... thud... thud... thud... A heartbeat, definitely! Whoever is lying here is alive!_

_Alec knows CPR, but it's useless when someone's still breathing, and moving upwards even more, he can hear that this someone is, if quite shallowly. He can't think of anything else but to shake the body and see if they'll wake up._

_A gasp, a cough. Alec's joy of whoever waking up. A roaring noise infiltrates the void, his mind, he throws his hands over his ears, crying out in agony. Light fills the void so suddenly, he yells and grimaces in pain, his eyes shut tightly to guard them from the terrible brightness._

“ _Alec?”_

_The noise is gone, he opens an eye carefully, it's still bright but not painfully so, when his eyes take in the person before him, he's filled with shock, joy and despair all at once._

“ _Jace!” He flings his arm around his brother, tears flooding his eyes. “How come you're here? What happened to you? Do you know where we are?”_

_It takes him a moment to notice that he's not getting an answer, and that his best friend's body has gone stiff in his arms. He's filled with a new sensation, fright and the beginnings of terror. Pulling back, his lungs can't get any more air inside. Jace is staring at him, livelessly. Blood as thick as paint is bulging from his wide, dead eyes, from his mouth, his ears. A silent scream is tearing itself through Alec's whole being, but no sound manages to tumble over his lips._

_Jace! No! Nononononononono!_

 

 

When he wakes up, he's bathed in sweat and the cats are whining pitifully.

He has no memory of the dream.

 


	5. Trust Us

The more he tried to remember, the thicker the veil clouding his mind became. He felt clammy, shaken, a sickness in the pit of his stomach he couldn't explain, didn't know where it came from. Alec knew he had to have had a nightmare, but other than these extreme sensations, he couldn't grasp anything. The cats were walking about his room unsettled, watching him, mewling from time to time. He must have scared them, but he simply couldn't remember.

He was a mess and so was his bed, so he quickly changed the sheets and took them with him to the bathroom where he showered and changed. He felt better for it, but he was scared. When he was with people, his mind was preoccupied, but when he was on his own he couldn't always shake the anxiety that came with trying to figure out what had happened to him and where he had been all that time, and whether he would _ever_ remember _anything_. He read up on forms of memory loss, anything he could find, but nothing fit with what little he knew happened to him.

One day he simply disappeared. There were a lot of cases when people lost their ability to remember who they were, sometimes ended up miles away from where they lived, even got jobs, lived a relatively normal life, but they were found eventually. And they didn't have a warlock as an ally who would have found them right away in their cases. Or even a Parabatai.

To simply be gone... non-existant... it left such an icy, frightful hollowness inside him he could only ever push back, but never get rid of completely.

He couldn't go back to sleep, so he listened to some music and read about archery to distract himself, relieved when the cats settled down next to him again.

After a couple of hours, however, he felt too restless to stay idle. It was only close to 4.30 am, but he decided to take a walk around the Institute anyway. He had little hope of encountering anyone, but he needed something to do, something physical... he ended up going to the training grounds and to his surprise, someone else was already there, working the punch bag.

Jace hadn't been able to sleep, he didn't really have nightmares that frequently anymore, but the night time was his least favorite part of every day. Except when he was with Clary, but she was staying at her mom's and Luke's place, so all he could do to fill the hours before the others would wake up and be bustling about again, was to train. It provided him with something to concentrate on other than what was troubling him throughout the hours he was on his own. And that night he had felt especially restless.

The blond feels Alec's presence immediately and turns quickly, his first impulse that something is wrong with his Parabatai, why else would he come here so early in the morning? Other than looking a little pale, he seems OK. But that is never any real indication, is it?

He shows the dark-haired man a small smile and walks over to him, watching him intently. “Hey, couldn't sleep?”

Alec always feels bad for intruding on people at first, but when he sees Jace's smile he relaxes, smiles softly and nods. “Yeah, I kinda felt like I needed something to do.”

Jace runs a hand through his slightly sweaty hair and nods in understanding, they're very similar in very few aspects.

“Wanna train with me? I've been meaning to ask now I got my favorite training partner back.” His smile is so sincere, Alec feels guilt he knows isn't granted, and also touched.

“Yes, but I can't promise I'll know what I'm doing, you better teach me.” He thought about trying to use his bow and arrows and find out whether his body may remember what to do with them, but then he was too busy and also didn't like to find out that he was totally useless, should it turn out that he was incapable of archery now.

“Sure thing, c'mon.”

At first Jace is showing him some basic stands and movements and Alec is deeply concentrated, wanting to know everything and do it perfectly right away. And to his delight, it seems that his body really hasn't forgotten how to fight. He's hesitant and insecure at first, but the more Jace shows him and commends him, the more confident he feels and they're soon immersed in an intensive training fight with Alec managing to hold his own. Jace is quite impressed.

“Good to see you haven't forgotten how this works, I would have hated to start at zero again, you're such a whiny, little bitch when you're inferior to me.” Alec can tell Jace is teasing him, probably just like a million times before when they were training, or doing whatever else Shadowhunters usually do. He knows they fight demons mostly, but he hasn't quite gotten his head around that, yet.

Alec raises an eyebrow, a smirk creeping over his lips. “Oh really? Is that so? A whiny, little bitch, you say?” He doesn't know how he knows, but something is telling him exactly how to move to get Jace on his back, and that's what he does.

A pair of very startled eyes is staring up at him and he's grinning down at his training partner, feeling rather pleased with himself. Jace suddenly breaks into laughter and Alec sits down next to him, smiling broadly, feeling as if he has accomplished something great.

He watches Jace wipe his eyes and grin at him. “It's so good to have you back, buddy. I really missed you.” Alec's smile fades slowly and he swallows. He knows that these people care for him, suffered because of him, missed him, but it's still weird for him to fathom. And he feels guilty for not being able to feel the same and tell Jace that he missed him, too. Because he didn't, or if he did, he doesn't know now.

Jace sees the look on Alec's face and feels sad for his brother, he slaps Alec's knee affectionately and squeezes it. “Hey, don't worry, we've been through worse than this, you'll remember.”

Alec tries another smile, but he only feels it halfheartedly. There's no point on dwelling on this now, though. “I've been meaning to ask you something.”

He's waiting for permission from Jace, who doesn't get why Alec has stopped talking.

“Shoot.” Jace will have to remind him that he can speak his mind freely, any time, with him. But for now he's too curious to hear what Alec has to say.

“I've been reading about this Parabatai bond, whoever invented such a word? Anyway, it said that we're bound together as lifelong partners, uh, I mean, fighting partners.”

Jace grins at Alec's flushed cheeks, remembering a time when his best friend had had feelings for him and the guilt he felt for having hurt Alec. This sort of thing better not repeat itself... but then Jace is with Clary and Magnus is already in the picture, so it should be safe. “And so I was wondering about the sensing each other stuff, because apparently I should be able to feel you, uh, I mean... sense your, uh, life force?”

Jace can't but chuckle at Alec's embarrassment and pats his knee again. “Don't worry, I'm not homophobic, and you're right, we can sense each other, and draw from each other's strength.” Alec nods slowly, pleased with this new information although he's not exactly sure why, and he stays quiet, a certain indicator that there's something important going on in his mind.

“Whatever it is, you can tell me, I know you don't remember right now what the bond means, but even without it, we're still brothers and best friends, Alec, and we vowed to always be there for each other.”

Jace can see emotions in Alec's eyes, but he's still quiet and the blond grants him the time he needs.

“I don't think I can... sense you, I don't know how.” Jace must admit he's quite surprised at that, and it has been weighing on his mind, the whole Parabatai thing, how it could even ever be possible for him to have lost his connection with Alec when the bond clearly wasn't broken and Alec must have been alive somewhere, somehow.

“Let me show you.” Jace goes for Alec's shirt but stops before touching it, waiting for permission which Alec gives, the confused look on his face making Jace grin inwardly, and then he lifts his friend's shirt and holds it up with one hand, the other softly touching the rune on Alec's belly. “That's the Parabatai rune, touch it, you have to concentrate but be calm and open, just try it, you'll see.”

Jace is more nervous than he wants to admit and he watches gingerly as Alec does as he's told and traces the rune with his fingers. Jace pulls back and also finds his own rune on his left side, cups it with a hand and closes his eyes, trying to make Alec relax with him.

Alec feels rather fascinated watching and learning and when Jace closes his eyes he mirrors him. At first he feels no different, but after a minute or so... there's a pull, a sense of something other than he knows, of someone... it's the weirdest feeling, but not bad, just foreign to him. He thinks that he can actually sense a heartbeat, Jace's? It's quite fast!

He opens his eyes and grins slightly at his opponent. “You're not as calm as you make out, are you?” His tone is dry, sarcastic and he smirks at seeing Jace's openly startled expression. But then the blond smiles. “So you can feel it! See, I told you! I must say it's very subdued still, it's usually stronger, but I'm sure we'll be back to normal soon!”

Back to normal, eh? If only! But maybe there's hope. “Next I'll show you how to draw runes, where's your stele?” Jace's eyes are expectant and Alec just frowns. “I didn't think I had one, well, I don't.”

“What? Of course you do, you always have it with you, in your jacket.”

Alec just shakes his head, he's had his hands in the jacket pockets a dozen times, definitely nothing in there, and he can't remember having had anything like that since he came back.

“Well, maybe you lost it when... you know, it doesn't matter, we'll get you a new one.” Jace quickly diverts where he was going, not wanting to remind his best friend. He knows it's too late anyway, but they have to look to the future and make the best of this, and try to make it as easy for their brother and friend as they can. He smiles encouragingly.

_When... yes, when this shit happened!_ Alec smiles back, but he doesn't feel it.

* * *

 

They continue to train until the Institute fills with life again, they take a shower and Jace wants to take Alec to get a new stele, when out of nowhere, without any warning, an envoy from The Clave appears, several guards behind the Council member.

 

Jace and Alec stare at the group of people, Alec being even more clueless than usually about what's happening, but he can see bewilderment on Jace's face, as well.

Maryse and Robert come rushing from their chambers, seemingly as unprepared as all the rest of the Institute.

The envoy, a middle-aged man, dressed in a black suit, looking all prepared for business is looking directly at Alec as he speaks, filling the young Shadowhunter with worry and dread.

“Alistair, what brings you here? Why weren't we informed of this?” Maryse's voice is strong and imperious.

Isabelle is suddenly by Alec's side, standing close enough to make their arms touch, they share a quick, puzzled glance.

“The Clave is under no obligation to inform you of compulsory actions, such as this. I am here in the urgent matter of placing one Alec Lightwood under The Clave's protection.”

There are gasps to be heard, shock so loud in the silence. Isabelle is moving in front of her brother as Jace steps back to shield him, his fingers itching towards his seraph blade. Alec is completely frozen with incomprehension and fear.

Maryse and Robert take a step towards the envoy, disbelief and suspicion showing on their faces.

“And why would he need to be protected by The Clave? He is perfectly well protected here, with his family at the Institute.” Robert speaks up, sharing a knowing look with his wife.

“Recent developments bring forth evidence of this not being the truth. Fact is, Alec Lightwood has mysteriously vanished seven months ago, without leaving any trace behind, five days ago he reappeared under the same mysterious circumstances, having lost a great part of his memory. Furthermore, there have been reports about downworlders at this Institute, coming and going without valid business. And lastly, Alec Lightwood has been seen leaving this Institute, on his own, to meet with one warlock, Magnus Bane. Taking all of this into account, The Clave has decided it is best for him to come to Alicante, where his protection can be warranted until further notice.”

_How do they know all of this? Have they been watching me? Why? To protect me? I don't want to leave!_ Panic is slowly rising in Alec, he's shaking, unable to stay in control. His sister and his Parabatai notice this immediately. Isabelle takes his hand in hers and squeezes tightly, sending him a reassuring look. Jace moves even closer, trying to shield them both.

Maryse's stance is stiff, tall, and full of cold authority. She is livid about learning this, most of all about Alec, after all she told him, having nothing better to do than stealing himself to that cursed warlock. She will deal with that after she's done here, though.

“Unless you are accusing my son of having committed a crime and putting him under arrest, you will not leave here with him. That is my final word and I suggest you take that back to The Clave and repeat it to them. Alec will stay right where he is.”

Hearing those words from his mother, Alec can finally breathe again. Surely they can't just take him without his consent? Chancing a look at his sister, Izzy hasn't relaxed in the slightest, and neither has Jace, which surges a new wave of anxiety through him.

The envoy doesn't exactly look impressed, almost bored. “As you wish, Maryse, but this won't be the last you'll hear about this.” His dark, cold eyes meet Alec's whose lungs tighten painfully, not letting any air through for a long, painful moment. The man nods at him, turns and leaves.

Maryse turns and marches at the three Shadowhunters now in front of her, even before The Clave's messengers have disappeared. “You three with me,  _now.”_

Isabelle doesn't let go of Alec's hand and leads the way, Jace following closely behind them. In her office, Maryse glares at them before her eyes rest on her oldest son, their iciness making him shudder.

“Just to make this perfectly clear, you are under house arrest, and mustn't even leave your room without my permission.  _No_  downworlder will set foot in here again, especially not  _Magnus Bane_ ,” her voice is laced with so much repulsion and hatred, it's making all of their insides freeze, “and should any of you go behind my back again on this, I will make personally sure, that you won't have any chance to do so again in the future, is that understood!”

Her glacial glare pierces each one of them in turn and the three of them can't but nod obediently, failing to fully understand what is happening and what they could do about it, and scared of seeing their mother this way.

“Good, now give me your phones. And be sure should you try to obtain any other device to contact anyone on the outside, or do so in person, you will have to face severe consequences, as well as _anyone_  who might try to help you. Now  _GO!”_

* * *

 

“Don't worry, we'll figure this out.” Jace and Isabelle took Alec back to his room where they're trying to make sense of their dilemma, Isabelle trying to ease all of their minds. “I can't believe she took our phones and put us basically under lockup.” Jace looks stunned.

“Well, actually, I'm the only one under house - or make that room arrest.” Alec can't believe any of what's been happening in the last hour. It's completely mad! Yet, he is so glad to still be at the Institute with Jace and Izzy by his side. He really doesn't want to be wherever The Clave would have put him, without anyone familiar around.

“We have to tell the others.” Isabelle. “You heard her, we aren't allowed to.” Jace. “They still need to know! You can tell Clary, she's a Shadowhunter, too.” Jace can accept this, but he knows where Isabelle's mind is going. “I won't let her contact Simon for you, if Maryse finds out, she'll be in big trouble and us, too. I won't let that happen.” Isabelle's face falls, but she knows he's right. They can't endanger anyone for them, they need another plan.

Another hour droops by, and they haven't come up with anything that would work in their favor. There's a rap at the window suddenly, then an almost familiar sound of paws against the glass. Alec leaps up to let the cats in. As ever he wonders how they find their way around so well.

“That's it!!” Both men look rather startled at Isabelle's outburst, her huge eyes full of realization and joy. She bends down to take Chairman Meow into her arms and strokes his head, smiling knowingly. Alec and Jace share a look that says they both think she lost it.

“Guys, come on! Really? You haven't figured it out, yet?” Alec shrugs and shakes his head earnestly and Jace crosses his arms in front of his chest.  _Let's hear your ingenious idea then._

“We will send the cats to tell Magnus about what's happening, then he can inform Simon and work on a plan to get us out of this, or at least, he'll know what's happening and we need to know what The Clave is really planning to do with Alec, putting him under protection, my ass.”

Her brothers look astounded at her. She really is quite amazing. Hearing her last words, however, Alec feels fear creeping up his bones. Isabelle knows that look on his face. “I'm sorry, Alec, but we can't trust them, not with this, and we'll make sure they won't be able to do anything. Trust us, okay? And now, Church, Chairman, go on and tell Magnus, and no detours to catch mice! We need your help!” She opens the window again and they watch as the cats jump out.

“Um, how exactly will the cats be able to tell Magnus anything?” Alec feels rather stupid, like he missed another essential puzzle piece.

Izzy grins at him. “Magic, of course.”

* * *

 

Magnus is eating his favorite cereal, daydreaming about Alec when the Chairman and Church arrive at the loft, his spoon dropping from his hand without his notice when he hears what has been going on at the Insititute. He's up and sending Clary and Simon a message to meet with him immediately, then he tries to figure out The Clave business.

“Magnus, what's going on?” Clary and Simon arrive about 20 minutes after receiving his messages, both watching him with alarmed, worried eyes.

“Calm down, it's not as bad as it could be, not yet anyway.” He's been trying to reassure himself of this, with mild success. But Alec's still at the Institute, at least, though he'd rather have him a lot closer.

“Someone from The Clave marched into the Institute announcing they want to take Alec with them to 'place him under protection',” he's signing the quotation marks in the air, his voice filled with mistrust and spite.

“What? Why? Is he-” Magnus holds up a hand to shush his red-haired friend. “Maryse wouldn't let them, at times that woman has a nice surprise in store, however, Alec is under house arrest, they know he's been here, and Jace and Isabelle aren't allowed to contact anyone on the outside, particularly you,” he points at Simon, “and me.”

“Fuck.” Magnus agrees with Simon's assessment of the situation.

“So how did you find out?”  _The Biscuit's quite clever, isn't she?_ Magnus turns to point at the cats who are sleeping on the couch after having fulfilled their duty.

Simon and Clary look impressed. “Izzy's idea.” Magnus adds, which explains everything.

“So, what's the plan? Am I allowed to go in?” She inquires, feeling hopeful. “I suppose so, seeing as you aren't a disgusting downworlder.” Magnus can't hold himself back. He feels agitated, angry, worried and most of all scared that he won't be able to help Alec,  _again._

“Give me your phone.” He holds out his hand and Clary does as he told her. Blue flames are weaving out of his other hand, making the device disappear.

“You do know how to use it blind, right? That's the best I can do for now. It won't stay invisible forever, but you can contact me safely for the next 24 hours.”

Clary carefully takes it back, staring at 'nothing' while feeling her phone just like before. She does love magic stuff.

“You better leave now, Simon can stay here and I have contacted a source who I'm waiting to hear back from about what The Clave is planning to do with Alexander.” Clary and Simon nod and she turns to head to the Institute quickly.

“Clary!” Magnus follows her, facing her as she turns back around, watching him questioningly.

He wants her to relay a message to Alec, but he's not sure what, and he'd give anything to be able to just go and see him. And  _he will_. Coming to this conclusion, he doesn't need his friend to deliver anything anymore.

“Just be careful and tell the others to stay away from prying eyes and ears. Don't trust anyone but each other and Simon and my humble self.” She nods, hugs him and leaves.

Clary is allowed in, after being thoroughly searched first. Luckily her invisible phone is not detected. Jace awaits her and they hug tightly before meeting with Isabelle and Alec in his room.

They hug and she updates them with what she can, which isn't much, but knowing Magnus is on the case, they all feel a little more light-hearted, even Alec. He can feel how much those three people care for and trust each other and the warlock, and so he decides to do the same, because if he doesn't trust anyone, he's lost.

* * *

 

Magnus eventually sends Simon to let Jocelyn and Luke know about what's going on, they may need their help yet, and determining that it's enough when he himself goes nuts waiting. Isabelle sent a message through Clary's phone for Simon earlier that calmed his mind at least. Magnus is waiting to hear from his source, although he knows it will take longer than a day to get a response, but he's also waiting for time to pass.

It's close to midnight now, and he can't wait any longer. He opens up a portal and walks through, hoping he won't startle him too much. Such luck that he has been in Alec's old room before, on more than one occasion.

To his delight, Alec is still awake. “Magnus?!” He just about stops himself from yelling out, basically stood in his bed, a book gripped tightly in his hands.

“Interesting choice for a weapon, Alexander.” Magnus smiles softly, taking in his love's disheveled look, every fiber of his body longing to get closer, much  _much_  closer. To his – normally pleasure – but right now  _torture_ , Alec is wearing a sleeveless top, showing off his perfectly defined arms that Magnus adores so much.

“Very funny, Magnus, what are you doing here? You're not allowed in! There's a guard outside my room and if they find you-”

Magnus marvels at how easy it always is to shush these Shadowhunters with a move of his hand. “It's alright, no one but you knows I'm here, trust me.” Alec watches the blue energy in amazement as Magnus magicks the room sound-proof.

Alec decided mere hours ago that he would trust these people, so he better stick to it. He flops down on his bed again and puts the book aside, visibly exhausted.

“So, what's up?” Magnus sends a very amused look at Alec, not having heard that kind of expression coming out of the young man's mouth for a long time.

“I just wanted to see you again, to see how you're doing. So, how are you? That must have been quite the shock earlier.” His features soften, wishing he could have been there to reassure Alec and look after him.

“You could say that.” Alec's running a hand through his hair, glancing down. “I just don't understand what's happening anymore, I mean, even less than before. And Izzy said we can't trust what that man from The Clave said, and... I really don't want to have to... go away.”

Magnus' heart churns at the way Alec is suddenly looking so young and vulnerable. He won't let anyone take him away again, over his dead body!

Aforementioned body is moving closer and sitting at the edge of Alec's bed before Magnus can consciously hold himself back. He just needs to be there, let the love of his life know he isn't alone, and never will be.  _You already broke that promise once._

The pain he feels is overwhelming, but Magnus forces himself to get a grip. “We'll know more soon, but I – we - won't let anyone take you away from us, Alexander, you can be sure of that.” He's forcing all the bravado and certainty he has into his voice, into his eyes that are connecting with Alec's  _so pretty_ ones.

Alec is more than ready to just believe the warlock's words. He's completely out of his depth here, feeling his only chance to survive this world without his memories is if he sticks close to these people, who seem to be trying to do everything in their power to keep him safe. He  _can't_ be that wrong about them, it would completely shatter him.

“Where are the cats?” Magnus is rather surprised at Alec's inquiry, and smiles fondly.

“I think it's best if they stay at the loft for a while. They may not be safe here any longer.” Alec frowns and nods at that, he'll miss them, but Magnus is surely right, and he wouldn't want any harm to come to them. Their eyes find each other again.

The warlock's eyes hold him hypnotized. Even if he has seen a million pairs of eyes before in his life, Alec's sure none came close to how ethereal Magnus' are. Especially when they're focusing on  _him._ His own eyes drop to Magnus' lips, as if it were the most natural thing to do.

For a moment Alec feels as if he's being pushed and pulled forward, closer to the man sitting on his bed, and he can't even tell whether he's moving or not, but Magnus leaps off the bed, and paces the room for a moment or two, Alec watching confusedly, until he opens his mouth to say something, what, he's not yet sure of.

Magnus turns like a flash. “Alexander, you should really get some rest. If everything works out as I planned, I will be able to give you news tomorrow. Goodnight.”  _My beautiful one._

Alec nods, feeling rather disappointed but figuring that that's just stupid and the warlock has better things to do than babysit him all night. He really does wonder about some thoughts he has from time to time.

“Goodnight, and thank you, for, uh, you know... coming, and, um, everything else.” He gestures clumsily, feeling a blush creep onto his cheeks.

Magnus is  _so close_  to jumping the unsuspecting man, that he merely nods before he quickly exits through another portal. He'll have to find a way to occupy himself with tonight, before thoughts of his boyfriend-he-can't-have-right-now overpower him completely.

* * *

 

Alec reads until he can't keep his eyes open. He turns the light off and tries to relax his body and mind. It would be more comforting with the purring and warmth of his two friends he grew so fond of in so little time.

He falls asleep eventually.

 

_Blackness, weightlessness, deafness, callousness._

_Falling._

_Something has changed this time. He's in familiar surroundings. He's at the Institute._

_He's roaming the rooms, looking for someone, anyone, but the building seems empty, ghostly._

_He's calling out for his sister, for Jace. NO! Jace is dead! It feels like a shot straight through his heart. He's clutching his chest, unable to stand on his own he's colliding with a wall, his legs giving out under him and he's sinking to the ground._

_Jace. Is. Dead._

_He saw him. He held him. There was blood everywhere. It can't be true. But he remembers, he remembers now._

_He has to find his sister, his parents, Max._

_He crawls until he has enough strength to stand on his feet again, he runs. “Izzy! Max! Mom! Dad!”_

_He arrives at the end of a corridor, turns back, stops and stares. The way he just came isn't there anymore. There are four corridors now instead. He doesn't understand what's happening, but he can't stay here. He runs through the very right one._

_Every corridor he takes ends in a deadlock, just for him to find even more ways he could go when he turns back. He's trembling, sweating, his stamina rune not having much of an effect, if any. But he has to go on, he has to find them._

_He's aching so much, everywhere. He has to support himself on the walls, unable to walk straight any longer. His feet are almost refusing to take even one more step. But he needs to go on, he HAS to find his family!_

_When he reaches the end of the corridor, the ground opens up to swallow him._

_He hears himself screaming._

_His body crashes onto hard ground, breaking his every bone._

_He's conscious for a long while, feeling complete mortal agony._

_After an eterniy his eyes close._

 

He screams so loudly, if Magnus' sound-proof spell wouldn't still be working, half of the Institute would probably storm in right now. He's having a horrible déjà-vu. His sheets and he himself drenched in cold sweat, his heart pumping so fast it's threatening to burst his eardrums. The fog in his mind getting thicker, impenetrable.

All he manages is crossing his arms, gripping his trembling body tightly and sobbing quietly into the inconsolable stillness of the night.

 


	6. Is This My Life Now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note to let you know how grateful and amazed I am by your kindness about my little story. Thank you!!

After a long while he manages to calm himself down enough to function again.

Not daring to face the guard outside, unable to explain the state he's in, he changes clothes and the bed, opens a window because he prefers the cold to the stench of his nightmare, and waits for day to rise.

“Shower!” He doesn't even look at whoever's posted close to the door, his arms full of laundry and heads eagerly to the bathroom.

Rubbing his hair dry, he stares at himself in the mirror. His skin is a little ashen, bags under his eyes proof of his lack of sleep. But no one would think of the terror he's been facing the second night in a row. He's not sure whether he should be happy he can't remember or more terrified.

The guard followed him to the bathroom, of course. A woman he's seen around, but honestly, he doesn't even feel the urge to be polite and inquire about her name. He knows it's not her fault, she's fulfilling her duty, what seems to be the most important code for all shadowhunters from what he now knows, but that doesn't mean he's happy with it.

He wants to go find Isabelle or Jace, or even Clary who stayed at the Institute as far as he knows.

He moves quickly, swiftly, taking the guard by surprise and he thinks he might actually be able to lose her, though he doesn't really care, he won't just go back to his room and brood there on his own.

He stops dead when, at the same spot as yesterday, more people he doesn't know appear. A woman, clad in bright red robes, with green eyes, more guards than yesterday, and also, behind them, Alistair.

Before he can even attempt to turn and run, the woman who also has dark, red hair, is right in front of him, holding his arm in a death grip that makes him flinch and struggle to get away. Toxic green flames are shooting from her free hand, engulfing his whole body. He wants to scream but the shock won't let him. Then she lets go and steps back. He doesn't feel any different, apart from frightened out of his mind. Two men move forward, surrounding him, each taking hold of one of Alec's arms. Again he's trying to get away, again it's futile.

The guard must have alarmed the Lightwoods who are running to their son's aid, but before either of them can even get a word out, Alistair is in their faces, holding up a paper. “As you requested, the warrant for your son's arrest. He's coming with us now.”

The paper floats out of his hand. Maryse and Robert are feeling too incredulous to speak for a second which is all it takes for the intruders to start marching off with Alec.

“Mom!” Alec's head is turned, desperation, fright, a plea for help in his eyes.

The red woman is opening a portal as three Shadowhunters approach speedily with one single goal. Rescue Alec!

Isabelle's whip catches the guard on Alec's left, pulling him off as Jace fights off the one on his right before he helps Clary to hold the others back as Isabelle grabs Alec and they  _run._

Maryse and Robert have also drawn their blades, standing right behind Clary and Jace now. “Go!” Jace meets his mother's eye for a split second but it's all it takes for him to understand. He grabs Clary's hand and runs with her after Isabelle and Alec, their only goal now to keep him safe.

Clary managed to text Magnus an urgent 'Come NOW!' before they stormed in to fight off the guards. He steps out of his portal the moment Isabelle and Alec enter the room. “Thank the Angel, we have to get Alec out of here, they want to arrest him!”

She grabs the bow and quiver from the rack. Magnus, not as shocked as he could be, as he had just heard the same from his source and was about to come and rescue Alec himself, opens another portal immediately, then holds out a hand towards the young man.

Alec feels as if his head is going to explode, surely whatever nightmares he's had, they can hardly have been worse than what's happening now.

When he realizes what Magnus is doing, all thoughts fly. Their eyes connect and their hearts sync the moment Alec lays his hand in Magnus'.

“We gotta go, now!” Jace shouts as he appears with Clary, ready to get the hell out of here.

“We're going to the loft!” Magnus walks through first, and something happens which has  _never,_  in all the _many_  years he's been using portals happened before. He's pulled back, unable to go through.

Impossible.

 

Three Shadowhunters are staring at him, no, at Alec. Clary finds her voice first.

“He couldn't get through. Magnus, I think he can't go through the portal.”

_What?!_  “That is not possible...” He pulls Alec to try again but the young man could as well be walking against a stonewall.

“They have a warlock with them, maybe she did something to him.” Isabelle offers, trying to think of another escape route, but they're out of time!

“She did.” Alec's soft voice. His mind can barely keep up with any of it.

Magnus just stares disbelievingly, needing to know  _who_ and  _what._

“Let's jump!” Jace is quickly in action, pulling the window open and jumps. Clary is right behind him.

“We can jump from  _this_  height?” Alec just stares, not even trusting that he would stay alive when he hit the ground.

“Of course, we're Shadowhunters, big brother.” She takes his hand, they will jump together, and Alec fleetingly glances at Magnus before letting go of the warlock's hand and leaping into death.

Actually, he's completely fine, just feeling a little mad.

“Run!” Jace and Clary are already on the move, Isabelle dragging Alec along who's looking behind them for Magnus. When he sees that the warlock made it down safely and is right on their heels, he speeds up. He had no idea he could run  _so fast._

As they round the next street corner, a black SUV comes to a halt, wheels screeching. Everybody but Alec draw their weapons, or magic in Magnus' case, until the door opens and a dark skinned man gives them a wave and shout to get a move on.

Alec has no idea who that is but as the others seem happy to see him, he gets into the vehicle without questioning anything.

He feels a little disjointed from the here and now, hearing voices around him, but only catching snippets of what's being said, sounding muted. His head hurts, his body feels drained, he just wants to sleep...

“Alec?” He blinks and meets his sister's concerned gaze. “Are you okay?” He nods and looks out of the window, not really seeing anything.

* * *

 

First things first, Magnus moves the loft when everyone's safely inside. He doesn't doubt that they may still be found at some point, but it will give them more time.

They need an ironclad plan of action to make sure The Clave won't get their hands on Alec again. He's deeply worried about recent events and really just wants to take him away to the furthest part of this world, which he could, if there weren't that peculiar problem with the portals. No doubt that warlock bitch was hired to make sure he wouldn't be able to escape that way, except using her own magic. It must have cost them a  _fortune_ , especially if it will last a while.

Magnus doesn't know a counter spell for it, and even if he did, he's sure it would take a long time to mix whatever unique potion would be needed. They'll have to think of something else.

Alec is really worrying Isabelle now. He seems very withdrawn in himself. She makes him sit on Magnus' couch and quickly gets him some water to drink which he does without a change in his weary face.

She catches Jace's, then Magnus' eyes and knows they feel the same.  _How much more can his fragile mind take?_

She's taking him to his bedroom, which he doesn't know is his and Magnus' anymore, but it doesn't matter now, he clearly needs to rest while they conjure up a strategy.

Alec doesn't complain, he can't. He's dead weight and dropping off the moment his head hits the pillow.

But rest he cannot.

 

He's going through the same terror as the nights before, but this time when he starts awake, crying out and clutching his wet through shirt, there are six people in the room with him.

Jace is sitting on the bed, a hand cupping Alec's cheek. He meets his blond friend's haunted eyes. “It's OK, you're safe with us, Alec.”

He doesn't understand, why is this happening?  _Why?!_  Alec closes his eyes and takes some deep breaths.

“Alec... what did you dream?” Jace's voice is soft, laced with traces of fear. Did he...? He's able to read his Parabatai's eyes. “I felt you, but I couldn't wake you up.”

Alec averts his eyes and is silent. He feels horrible for Jace having to feel  _any_  of this, and even guiltier for being incapable of remembering. All that looms in his mind is that ominous veil he just can't shake.

Wanting to give Alec a bit more space, Luke, Simon, who had arrived earlier, and Clary leave the room again.

Magnus feels a poisonous sickness inside him, has felt it the moment Jace had stormed into the bedroom to see what was happening to his Parabatai. They could not wake him up! Seeing his love like this, not knowing what the reason is or what he can do to help, is tearing him apart.

“Has this happened before?” Jace inquires further, gently, but trying to get something out of his brother they can maybe work with.

Alec sighs softly and nods. “Twice, the last couple nights... I always woke up like this... but I don't... remember.”

The silence is oppressive. Alec can't stand it anymore. “Can I take a shower?” He doesn't look at any of them, he feels exposed and vulnerable, wanting to hide.

“Of course, I'll show you.” Isabelle takes her brother to the bathroom, Magnus and Jace watching them disappear. Magnus stays silent and Jace feels so unnerved.

“Magnus, please, there has to be  _something_  we can do!” The young Shadowhunter is clearly shaken, feeling anguished for his brother. Magnus gets it. He gets it like no one else, but he is  _entirely_ powerless.

Jace understands, feeling despaired. Unable to stay in the same room with the warlock now he leaves quickly to join the others.

Alec's letting the hot water run, his forehead pressed against the bathroom tiles. Why is this happening to him? Why did he come back to  _this?_  His whole life feels like a nightmare now, not just those night terrors. What's the point when that is his life now? Maybe he would have rather stayed not found. But he can't think like this. He just feels so weak and helpless. His tears mix with the running water but he doesn't make a sound.

* * *

 

Magnus stares at the bathroom door for a long time, feeling utterly worthless.

 

Before he leaves with leaden steps he quickly snaps his fingers, refreshing the bedsheets for Alec and lying out fresh clothes.

Magnus listens and watches, but stays quiet. He doesn't feel like he could contribute anything useful any more. He has failed so spectacularly with just about everything that's happened in the last seven months, he doesn't trust himself anymore, especially not with saving Alec.

The werewolves and vampires are working together once more, on the look out for unwelcome intruders or activities which they will report to either Luke or Simon immediately.

Other than that, no one seems to come up with an actual plan on how to move forward. Hiding out here may work for a while, definitely not forever. If The Clave is set on getting Alec, they'll eventually send _anyone or rather anything_ to apprehend him.

Changing their strategy from placing him under protection to arresting him is more than enough of an indicator of how serious they are, and also how  _scared._  They can't know more than them about what happened to him, but they must think it to be a peril in disguise for the Shadow World. They'll want to use him to find out whatever they believe they have to know to keep their world safe, and Alec is the innocent victim in all of this who they will sacrifice without a second thought, for the greater good, of course.

“What are they accusing him of anyway?” Simon asks as Isabelle just told them in more detail what happened mere hours ago at the Institute. He's looking into a lot of clueless faces, no one knows. There wasn't exactly time to read the arrest paper.

“Refusal of cooperation, lack of obedience to The Clave, and withholding existential information, knowingly or unknowingly, and therefore endangering solidarity and every people within.“ Magnus interjected.

Everyone's staring at the warlock now, who still hasn't moved from his spot and isn't meeting anyone's eyes.

“How do you know that?” Clary. Magnus shrugs. “Someone in Alicante owed me a favor, a big one.” With that he moves to pour himself a drink from his bar, which is better than just standing around aimlessly and brainlessly.

“Do you really think now is the time to get drunk?” Jace is clearly angry, but Magnus is impassive. “I think it's exactly the time for that, or do you have a better idea?” He sips from the blue drink, sending a rather provocative look towards the blond whose hands ball into fists at his sides. Clary immediately places her hand on his arm, but that hardly calms him down.

“Yes, actually, I do! Wreck your freaking ancient, immortal brain, your books and spells and all that shit for something that's going to help us save Alec from this bullshit! You're always boasting about how powerful you are, how knowledgeable and above everyone else you think you are! SO fucking DO something instead of being a whiny loser and feeling sorry for yourself and fucking everything up! Do you even care anymore?”

“Guys, this really isn't the time!” Luke steps forward, but they completely ignore him. No one else seems to dare say a word, all just staring between Jace and Magnus, whose eyes have become yellow cat's ones, flaming up with rage.

“That's very rich coming from you. How often have you put your own selfish needs before Alexander's? Begging him for help whenever he was useful to you but discarding his wants and needs when it was inconvenient? How often has he saved your reckless ass just to be taken for granted by you? And you accuse  _me_  of not  _caring_? I've done nothing  _but,_ trying  _everything_ to find him when you were merely crying yourself to sleep at night like a damn cowa-”

Even through his raging rant, Magnus suddenly becomes aware of someone standing in between the sliding doors of his bedroom who wasn't there before. Alec. He's looking shocked and crestfallen and Magnus is too startled himself to even manage to glamour his eyes before they meet Alec's deeply sad ones. The others have turned as well, Jace feeling terribly guilty and disappointed in himself for losing it like that and provoking Magnus in such a way, and most of all for having hurt Alec  _again._

The dark-haired Shadowhunter is slowly turning, walking out of their sight again. They all feel guilty, even though most of them weren't involved in this ruction. They should have stopped them.

After a long moment of oppressing silence, Isabelle is joining her brother in the bedroom, sliding the doors fully shut. She could never stand to see her big brother sad or in pain, but he was always so very strong, so focused and taking care of everyone around him, never asking for anything in return. And now... he is in so much more pain than ever before, forlorn and breakable, and their bond isn't what it used to be, which isn't his fault, but she doesn't know how to help him, how to get really through to him, to make him see and believe how much she loves and cares for him and would give up pretty much anything for him, and she knows that's how Jace and Magnus feel, too. Why they couldn't hold back their flaring emotions anymore, both knowing full well that they just wanted to rant and hurt the other because of how much they're hurting themselves. If only Alec  _knew,_ was able to remember  _how deeply and completely_ he is loved by them all. She is sure that it would help him to heal, to have hope, but without his memories... their capabilities are limited.

She sits down on the bed next to him, glancing at his profile.  _He's so lost._  It breaks her heart. She wants to hold his hand, hold him and tell him everything is going to be just fine, but she can't lie to him. “Alec...”

She only just perceives the slight shake of his head and trails off, swallowing hard.

“I never wanted this... for this to happen, no one should be fighting because of me, it's no one's fault... you have all been so good to me, and I feel like I don't deserve it, and I can't let you sacrifice so much for me... maybe they... The Clave aren't so bad... maybe they'll know what to do... I should just surrender and-"

Isabelle's actually pressing a hand onto her brother's mouth who's blinking at her confusedly. She doesn't know how she even listened to half of what he was saying without holding him back. “Alec Lightwood, you are such an idiot, and that also hasn't changed. You've always been the first to jump at every opportunity to sacrifice yourself for the greater good or us, but this is pure idiocy and none of us would  _ever_ let you do this, you better not even repeat this crap in front of anyone else, they will lock you up.”

She feels tears in her eyes but manages a smile and then she can't but pull him into a tight embrace. He'll just have to get used to her again. His thoughts have deeply saddened her and it's extremely disconcerting, but no matter what, they'll make him see that that's the last thing they will let him do.

Alec's swamped with too many negative thoughts and emotions, and all he really wants is to get some peace. The mere thought of falling asleep and having that kind of nightmare again, however, is making him want to never close his eyes again. How long will he even manage to keep sane? And how long can someone like him survive without sleep?  _I guess I'll find out. Gives me something to look forward to._ At least he hasn't lost all of his humor, yet... he sighs defeatedly and finally relaxes into his sister's warm and solid body, wondering whether he will ever feel strong enough by himself.

* * *

 

“Magnus, I'm-”

“Let's not talk about it anymore.” Jace wants their friend to know that he really is sorry and that he had been overpowered by pain and fear for Alec, but then he can guess that Magnus already knows. He _understands._  He nods and walks off back to the others, while Magnus is getting several messages from someone he had been hoping to hear from for a while now.  _Finally!_  His fingers move speedily, then he downs the rest of his drink and announces. “We're getting a visitor, so everyone be on your best behavior!” Lame jokes won't help his dreary state, but he's not yet ready to give up being himself.

Before anyone can inquire further information, a portal opens and a woman, warlock most of them already know, steps through. One couldn't forget her blue skin, white hair and kind smile.

“Catarina, darling, it's so good to see you. Please excuse my bad manners but taking into account recent developments and our rather unfortunate circumstances...  _please,_ tell me you found something that will help.”

Magnus is full of hope but also terrified of having hope, it has been wiped out too many times. Yet, he can't stop, not until someone finds something to rescue his Alexander from that hell he's trapped in.

Catarina pats his hand, smiling understandingly. “I have found something, which is why I am here, but I can't make any promises. Where's Alec? He needs to hear this most of all.”

Clary's getting the Lightwood siblings from the bedroom. Isabelle is happy to see Catarina again, and Alec feels apprehensive and doesn't really want to be in a room with so many people, and yet another stranger he has no memory of. He's rather fascinated by her looks and her pretty smile, though.

“Alec, it's very nice to see you again, and I know you don't remember me, which is why I am here. I've been doing research for several months now, on a rather peculiar subject. Memory spells are one of the most crucial and complicated ones. They're very rare and unique and there isn't much of terms of guidance to find for most of them. I've been working on something, a particularly powerful memory spell, for several weeks now, and I have, after some failed attempts, successfully completed a potion which could help reverse the loss of your memories. But I must warn you, I don't know whether it will be successful, or the consequences if it fails.”

Alec's stunned into silence, trying to come to terms with this new information. A spell, a memory spell that  _could_  help him get his memories back... or, yeah, or what? If she, a warlock, doesn't even know... he doesn't know whether he wants to take such a huge risk, and he wishes nothing more than for someone to tell him what to do.

Magnus' joy at his old friend bringing good news has been short-lived. Alec can under no circumstances take such an enormous risk when literally  _anything_  could happen. His courage drops, giving room to new desperation.

If the potion and spell work, however... he would finally remember and all of this would be over, and he could go back to having a real life with  _nice_ feelings and no more of this  _horror._ “I want to do it.” Maybe, if it doesn't work, he'll simply die, which really isn't the worst he could think of. As long as he's being selfish, at least.

Magnus' head shoots up and he's in Alec's face in a second. “Alexander, I can't let you do this, you have no idea what this kind of magic could damage within you-” Magnus realizes the moment Alec's eyes connect with his. They're so beautiful, yet so sad and haunted with unspeakable trauma. They speak of a truth he doesn't want to see, but cannot overlook. Something has already damaged so much in Alec, he is willing to risk further pain in slim hope of relief.

Magnus' lungs are quenched of all air, being faced with the whole unadulterated impact of Alec's suffering. He accepts silently and steps away, unable to look at the man he worships more than his own life any longer. He nods at Catarina, a big part of his remaining soul shattering.

“Let's get you comfortable, Alec, and we'll need quiet.” She takes the young man with her to Magnus' bedroom and closes the door behind them firmly.

She instructs him with gentle authority to lie down on the bed and uses a minor spell to help him relax. He can't drink the potion all at once, but bit by bit while she's chanting the spell. Alec has sort of shut off. He can't think things really could get worse, so he'll just accept whatever will happen.

“I'll start now, and I will try anything in my power to help you come out of this as unharmed as possible.” Alec nods and gives her a tiny smile. He really likes her, the second warlock he thinks of as such. His mother really can't have ever given them a real chance... Catarina has started with the spell and feeding Alec the potion and he's drifting off calmly.

 

_He is floating. He feels warm and safe, cushioned. He can't see much, but it's bright. No comparison to the usual darkness._

_He realizes he is inside his own mind then. He doesn't know how that is possible, or even how he knows. He simply does._

_The brightness is actually fog, a veil he recognizes from his nightmares. He starts to feel afraid._

_But to his surprise, the veil is suddenly moving, as if it's being pulled apart on both ends. It's thinning out and he can see. A younger Isabelle, he's with her, carrying her on his back while she laughs and squeals, he's laughing, too._

_A younger Jace, they're training, trying to outsmart and overpower each other. He feels strong, and proud, and happy._

_He's floating along, a young boy coming into view he hasn't seen before... but... “Max!” his younger self calls out, rushing to the boy as he runs towards him and they hug tightly, broad smiles on their faces. He remembers! His siblings, he finally remembers._

_He's smiling, turning back to those memories but he's still floating on and he's looking forward to what he'll see next. The spell must be working and he feels so unburdened._

_He can see a silhouette of a figure in the distance. He can't make out who it is but he's steadily coming closer._

_Black hair styled fashionably, a long, colorful coat adorning his body. He's wearing jewelry, glittery make up, painted fingernails, a silver earcuff, and what entrances Alec the most is a pair of yellow cat eyes, staring back at him._

_All of his senses are filled with pleasure, happiness, bliss._

_But as sudden as they emerged they're gone._

_His head shoots upwards, there's a blackness rushing through the brightness, coming right at him._

_Terrified he looks back to the man and to his horror he's being pulled away, so fast he can't follow. He's alone._

_A horrible grating noise is forcing him to cover his ears which doesn't help at all, the noise is inside his head._

_It's forcing him onto his knees as he's groaning in pain._

_His hands are bleeding, no, his ears are, the noise is all-consuming, slicing his mind slowly, like razor blades._

_He is absolutely certain he will die. No one could bear this. Especially not himself, not for much longer anyway._

_The noise is sucked out of him, making him scream. Then it's silent._

_He can't see anything in the dark. He doesn't know whether this is death? Or more of the same torture, or something else altogether._

_He needn't wonder for long._

_There are small, red circles right in front of him, coming closer and closer and he can't move, not a muscle. The red circles consist of flames, dancing dangerously, threatening to burn him. His eyes are frighteningly wide, full of panic._

_Eyes. He can see now. Red, flaming eyes. He knows those eyes, he's seen them before but he can't remember and he doesn't have the time or the sanity to think._

_They're growing bigger, angrier, there's so much raw hatred, repulsion, frenzy._

_He can't even scream as they leap at him, engulf him, but instead of heat burning him, they're freezing him from the inside, icier than anything he could ever begin to imagine._

_Just when his heart is about to give out, he's hauled up and thrown so far back into the void, he loses consciousness._

  

“Shhh, he's waking up.”

Alec hears whispers, voices, far away but getting closer. He's disorientated and can't sense his body. He can't see and he panics.

“Alec, it's alright, just open your eyes.” A female voice. Soft, kind. Oh. Eyes.  _Open your eyes._  He needs a while to find his eyes, to remember how to open them.

His view is blurry. There's a hint of blue and white. He blinks a few dozen times before his sight becomes sharper. He recognizes the woman, Catarina. She's smiling softly at him, looking very exhausted. He wants to ask her what happened but he can't find his mouth. He doesn't feel it.

Another face comes into view. The other warlock, Magnus. Brown eyes. Oh.

“It will take some time until your senses work properly again, Alec, I'm sorry, it's all I could do to keep you with us, but you'll be okay.”

Alec doesn't really understand what she means and frankly, he doesn't care. He's way too tired. So he sleeps.

* * *

 

In all her years and with all her experience, Catarina has never come across something such as this.

The spell had been working, she could feel Alec's memories return, if slowly. But then...

She had to use all the rest of her magic to perform a powerful healing spell to keep Alec's life force from slipping away. She had managed. Just.

He is alive, he will need a lot of rest and mending but he should be as OK as he was before. But there is nothing she can do about his mind, whatever implanted itself in there, it is more powerful, more malicious, than anything she has ever faced before.

Jace had felt Alec a lot stronger this time and to his dismay he had felt his Parabatai's life draining away. Luke, Simon and Magnus had to hold him back from crashing into the room. Magnus had known that Catarina was Alec's only chance to come out of it alive. And she didn't disappoint.

Magnus feels beyond all hope to ever find out who is behind it and rid Alec of this horror, now that even a warlock as powerful as Catarina is helpless against the unknown evil that is infesting Alec's mind.

  


 


	7. Enough Of Staying Idle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally managed to write more. This involves some action and I'm not an action writer, but I have to do what my mind tells me to, so hope it's OK! 
> 
> A huge Thank You to my lovely, wonderful beta who has been helping me with the last several chapters and without whom I wouldn't get through all the self-doubts and insecurities... Go read AlyxHavok's fics, they are wonderful!! http://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyxHavok
> 
> And again, thank you for the love!!

He finally gets the rest he needs. It seems whatever's in his mind has lost some of its power, at least for now. Alec welcomes it, craves it and moans disappointedly when he just can't go back to sleep any more. He rubs his eyes, suddenly tensing up.

Alarmed he looks around the room. Bedroom. Very... extraordinary. Familiar. He's alone. But there are people outside, he knows. Magnus' place. Right. So he hasn't lost it completely, or died.

But one attempt at thinking back any further than a week ago, and he knows he hasn't gotten back his memories, either. He feels rather numb and decides to just not think about it.

What he can't decide on is whether he should just stay in bed, or take another shower, or look for the others. He can't imagine how they must be, knowing he failed. Well,  _he_  didn't fail, the spell did, he guesses, he doesn't actually remember. This is becoming a running joke with him.

He feels as if he is to blame, though. Maybe he's just not strong enough. And all these people are giving up so much for him, have given up  _so_ much... he remembers Magnus' and Jace's argument, but it's making him feel too guilty to think about further. He rubs his face, runs his hands through his messy, dark hair and sighs deeply.

He feels rather frail and he's not actually sure whether he can move his legs, now that he thinks about it. He tries but they're very heavy. Maybe he should give it some more time. Catarina said something to him, it's all hazy, though. He  _thinks_  she said he'll be okay, and for now he's simply going to believe it. He's sure he'll find out soon enough if it isn't the case, he just needs a break from all that doom and gloom.

He flinches as suddenly, out of nowhere, Church and the Chairman jump onto his bed. They must have been in the room all this time. Or, well, he didn't want to think too much about things, right? The cats settle on either side of him and he can't but smile and stroke them, eliciting a lot of excited purrs from his furry friends.

* * *

 

Alec had been sleeping peacefully, as far as they could tell, for hours. One good thing for once.

Magnus had taken Catarina home to let her rest. She promised to look into it more once she regained her magic and Magnus is grateful, but he won't hope. He can't.

Luke also left, taking care of something Magnus didn't inquire about, he's sure the werewolf is more than capable, and they’re all more capable than himself.

When he returns, Isabelle and Simon are quietly talking, Simon having an arm around his girlfriend, and Clary and Jace are also holding each other. Jace looks positively  _bad_  and Magnus feels a pang of guilt in his gut. He shouldn't have... oh, it doesn't matter, he shouldn't have done  _so many things_. He can't undo any of them, or make them any better.

He doesn't want to disturb any of the couples so he turns to the bedroom, uses his magic to look through the door to check on Alec and closes it, his heart missing a few beats, thrilling anticipation flooding his body. He's awake! He knocks a couple of times, meeting Isabelle's eyes for a moment before he enters. They must want to give them both some time, else he can't understand why they're not following right behind him. He'd have to lie to say that he minds.

Alec startles slightly hearing the knock and tries to sit up immediately, but his body is even more stiff and leaden than he thought, and he would have disturbed the cats.

“Please, Alexander, don't exert yourself, just give it time, you'll be alright.” Magnus is looking him over intensely, searching his hazel eyes for any pain, any unrest. To his relief, right now, Alec isn't showing any sign of that, which may be helped by the two little pests sharing the bed right now. Magnus feels a softness he hasn't for a while. Often they had to chase them out of bed so they could have some alone time... they usually only both came when Alec was there.

Magnus sits down on the bed cautiously, not too close, just close enough. He shows a little smile that vanishes the moment Alec's gaze drops. He feels discouraged but won't let it show.

“What happened?” Alec's eyes come up to rest on the warlock once more. Magnus thinks how best to tell him, without troubling him even more.

“Well... the spell failed, but Catarina saved you from worse. How do you feel? It will take a while until you can fully move again and built up your strength but you will make a full recovery.” Physically... but Magnus can't bring that word over his lips and what it implies. Alexander knows anyway, to a much greater and worse extent than any of them.

“I can move my arms, but not my legs, everything feels very heavy and strange.” Magnus nods, knowing there isn't anything he can do to help. Sometimes only time does that. At least Alec doesn't seem to be in any pain.

“Do you remember anything that happened during the spell?” The warlock's heart is speeding up with nerves. If Alec remembers something, it could maybe lead them somewhere, but should it be as bad as he fears, he'd rather the young shadowhunter never remembers. Catarina told him that Alec's heart had stopped for a full minute before she could revive it. Magnus can't even let himself think any further and the others, except Jace who actually felt some of it, will never find out.

Alec's trying to think back... he remembers hearing Catarina's voice, quietly, and then... fire that was ice cold. He shudders and shoves it away. He doesn't know what it means or whether it's got anything to do with, well, anything. He's clueless and useless and he doesn't want to talk about it, so he just shakes his head, feigning complete ignorance.

For a moment Magnus could detect a strangeness in Alec's eyes but it's gone too quickly and he exhales with relief. It's for the best.

“Can I, uh, get some water, please?” Magnus feels taken aback at this almost shy request.  _I'd give you the seas, the stars and planets, and all of the universe. But I can't even give you peace. Alexander, I am so endlessly sorry._

Alec blinks at the weird expression in Magnus' eyes. He's just looking at  _him_  so intensely and the emotions in the deep brown eyes seem to overflow. It makes his heart skip a beat and his skin prickles all over.

“Of course.” Magnus finally speaks and moves his hand, snaps his fingers and holds a big glass of water out to Alec, who's looking rather mesmerized at it.

“Uh, thank you.” He tries to sit up again but his body won't work with him. Magnus is quick on his feet. “Let me help you?” Alec blinks, feeling a little embarrassed with the whole situation but nods, there's nothing he can do about it. Any of it.

Magnus very gently supports Alec's head so the young man is able to drink without spilling everything over himself. He's so aware of the smell of Alec's hair, his warmth. Magnus' fingers itching to move, to run them through the dark, thick but soft strands. Like he's done a thousand times before. Like he thought, not long ago, he never again would.

He's watching calmly until Alec's done and looks up at him once more. “Thanks.” His voice is so tender, the expression in his beautiful eyes making him look enchanted, Magnus almost loses the ever present battle with his heart and self-control and leans down to seal the taller man's lips with his own. If only he could. He lets go of Alec's head as gently and pulls himself away, his heart shut off again, as much as he can bear.

“You're very welcome, Alexander. Now, I'm sure there are a few others, who rather than trust my word, would like to see for themselves that you're alright. I'll go get them.” He's so fast, Alec just about manages to open his mouth before he's already gone. He sighs inwardly. He didn't want to chase him out... though rationally he knows he didn't do such a thing... just one of these very weird and inexplicable feelings he seems to have around the warlock whenever they're alone.

Isabelle and Jace are first to assure themselves of Alec's well-being and they're trying to make light of it, hiding their worries and fears, but Alec seems to have some kind of inner sense for these people generally. Something just tells him they are pretending, being strong for  _him._  And what can he do in return for them? Be more of a burden than before? That seems to be all he's good for. He will never utter these thoughts aloud, though. The talk he had with his sister before ensures that. But nothing and no one can convince him otherwise.

Meanwhile Clary approaches Magnus who's staring out of the huge loft windows, lost in a bleak state of mind, she can tell. She puts a hand on his arm until he looks at her.

“What is it, biscuit?” She swallows down the sadness she feels at hearing him so broken, yet trying to be so strong for them.

“As long as we won't give up, we won't lose. You know how stubborn and strong-minded he is. We will find a way... together.” She links her fingers with her friend's, Magnus set on speaking for a second but then his face relaxes and he lets his eyes convey his gratitude instead, squeezing her hand affectionately, even though he doesn't feel confident enough to believe it.

* * *

 

Alec eventually dozes off again, made easier by the two purring furballs on either side of his head.

Everyone else is back in the living-room where Simon took the liberty to turn on the Ultra High Definition flat screen TV Magnus had gotten for Alec once his boyfriend had admitted rather grumpily how inept he felt when Magnus, Simon, and Clary talked for days (a slight exaggeration!) about movies and everything pop culture thing he didn't have any knowledge of. Of course, once he saw the TV, Alec had firstly complained that they didn't need it and that he wasn't really interested, but after a very nice and long make out session he was more susceptible to watching a movie, or all three extended parts of The Hobbit, followed by The Lord of Rings trilogy. He seemed rather hooked, analyzing all the fight, especially the archery scenes, of the elves, and making some mental notes about them. Magnus had felt so giddily happy, and so proud.

“Oh, look, they're showing a rerun of Coachella from this year.” Simon states a little enthusiastically, trying to lighten the somber mood, just a little. Jace and Isabelle are looking at him as if he's lost it, and Clary smiles a little pained while Magnus simply ignores him.

Simon decides to enlighten Jace and Isabelle. “It's this huge festival in California with tons of cool artists and bands like M83, Meg Myers and Halsey, Guns N' Roses and Sia, you have to know Sia!” Jace stopped listening at the first few words, rubbed his face, sending Izzy a look that clearly questions how she can stand having Simon as her boyfriend, and walked off to the side, next to his girlfriend who's looking rather amused at him. Isabelle smiles softly, loving how her boyfriend's so inappropriately comforting. At least to her. She kisses him softly which shuts him up and then they actually watch some of the festival, because frankly, they don't know what else to do for the time being.

* * *

 

Alec has some feeling back in his legs when he wakes up and he manages to sit on his own. The cats complain but he needs to go to the bathroom, his bladder is about to burst. He makes it, taking small steps, supporting his weight with his hands on the wall. He feels so damn useless but what can he do? He washes himself some and gets properly dressed, even though it takes him forever, or that's how it feels to him.

He ponders whether to see what the others are doing but feels too groggy, just about reaching the bed before he tumbles, falling face down on the soft covers. Bed it is then. He sighs, but at least the cats are happy again.

  

Clary's phone rings. “It's Luke! Hey, Lu-”

She listens intently for a moment, her face serene. Four pairs of eyes are watching her cautiously, Magnus using his superior hearing to listen in on their conversation.

Demons! Just what they need! He snaps the TV off and paces the room while Clary explains to the others that a hoard of demons appeared a little while ago and that their werewolf and vampire friends are taking care of them.

There's a tenseness filling the room now with the unspoken question. Do they stay or do they go and help the others to fight the demons off?

Jace observes the ambivalence in Magnus and makes the decision for them. “Izzy, Magnus, you stay here with Alec, the three of us will check it out and report back.” The warlock is surprised at how relieved he feels, silently thanking his Shadowhunter friend and nods. Simon quickly hugs and kisses Isabelle before Magnus opens a portal for them, so that they can quickly meet up with Luke and assess the situation.

“Don't worry, he's safe here, right?” Isabelle can read the worry in her friend's face and puts an arm around him. Magnus nods and takes a deep breath. She's right, Alec's safe in here and he'll die before he'll let a demon get close to him!

A sudden thudding sound makes them both freeze and dash to the bedroom. They find Alec on the floor, limbs strangely entangled. “Alec? What the heck are you doing?”

Isabelle rushes forward to help him sit up, checking him over for injuries. Alec flushes in embarrassment and rubs the back of his head when he sits, leaning back against the side of the bed. “Just wanted to dress my boots,” he mumbles, glancing down.

He had enough of staying idle and took another attempt at getting up. He lost his balance, which is still disturbed, and fell over. Of course,  _that's_  when they find him.

“Always so stubborn.” Magnus says softly, an affectionate little smile on his lips.

“C'mon, I'll help you on your feet, but don't overdo it!” With the support of his sister, Alec is up and back on the bed in no time, sighing softly. “Thanks, but I'm really much better, just a little wobbly still.”

Magnus' phone rings. He turns away, walking a few steps before he halts, his body gone completely stiff.

Isabelle is highly alarmed, approaching him carefully. “Magnus? What is it? The others...?”

He drops his hand with the phone, his eyes pressed shut tightly before he opens them, looking directly into her dark ones. “There are more demons than they can handle.” Realization hits her before he continues to speak.

“They need my magic.” He turns to look at Alec, feeling his heart wrench in his chest. The young man looks confused and so innocent and Magnus doesn't want to leave him, doesn't know how to. But leave he must, because he couldn't live with any of the others getting hurt, or worse, because he wasn't able to shove back his emotions.

“Don't let him out of your sight.” He urges Isabelle before he walks out and disappears.

Of course she won't. She doubts that any demon could invade the loft but it happened once before, the day they went to ask help from Magnus to summon the memory demon to retrieve Clary's memories. She wishes they could have done the same for Alec. It seems such a trivial matter now, compared to whatever's going on with her brother.

In any case, her whip is ready for action should it come to it, and she helps her brother into his boots, hoping he will be strong enough to get out of here, should they have to. She regrets not having asked Magnus for a phone, and curses herself for not thinking fast enough. Hers and Alec's are probably still in their mother's office, along with Jace's. There's nothing she can do about it now, they'll just have to wait for someone to come back.

“Are you going to tell me what-”

A loud crash shakes the loft as well as the two Lightwood siblings. Isabelle feels frozen with disbelief but she's fast at recovering, telling her brother in no uncertain terms to stay exactly where he is and then leaves, her whip moving elegantly and confidently in her hand.

There are three shax demons in the loft and she has to be speedy and ferocious to kill them before they can get too close to her, or worse, Alec. She's certain about one thing now. They can't stay here.

She grabs Alec's bow and quiver, slings them over her arm and shoulder and hurries to get her brother, letting him lean on her while they move out as fast as they can.

Alec's frightened and doesn't think he'll manage to get far, but he's biting his cheek and tells himself to man up and be strong for once, despite the odds and his whole body trembling.

They make it outside, fighting sounds clearly audible in the air. Isabelle knows she can't focus on that, her priority, her mission, is Alec's safety, so she drags him along as quickly as they manage, in the opposite direction of the battle sounds.

“Wait, what about the others? We can't just leave them behind!” Alec wants to turn back but Isabelle has a firm grip on him and despite the height and weight difference, in his state he isn't a match for anyone, especially not demons! They have to get out of here!

“Alec-”, he cuts her off, a pleading look in his eyes. “Please, Izzy, let's just check if they're OK!” His eyes move about them quickly. “If you help me I can climb that ladder, up there we can at least check their situation and we're still far enough from danger,  _please!?”_  Isabelle knows they absolutely shouldn't do that, but something in her brother's voice, his eyes, and his demeanor, is so much more like himself... she can't dwell or wait it out, so she does help him up the fire ladder onto a building where they can overlook the streets in front of them.

She loses her breath at the sight before them. There are dozens of demons, shax and Moloch demons, Kuris and a few Vermithralls. Werewolves and vampires have taken over the left flank, keeping them at bay, but for all they kill there seem to be more crawling out from some invisible hell hole. When she spots Raphael and Simon not far apart, fighting their enemies with vigor, her heart leaps with pride. They'll be okay, they have to be!

Alec is looking for his friends, his eyes jumping about for a moment before they focus on the obvious. Blue light, a whole ray of it. Magnus is on the right, holding off a whole crowd, his magic killing them one by one, Jace and Clary close behind him, holding more demons off of his back. But there are yet more, creeping along the barely lit streets, along buildings and getting closer.

Alec gasps suddenly, his Parabatai rune throbbing painfully. A Moloch jumped right at Jace and he's on the ground fighting it off, Clary's yelling but there are a couple of shax demons wanting her full attention. And then Alec spots it. There's another couple of Molochs moving in close, going right for his Parabatai. In a split second Alec evaluates the scene, knowing it's impossible for any of them to help Jace in time.

He feels an inner calmness, a strange pounding energy and then his body moves without his head being able to catch up, but it doesn't need to. He grabs his bow and quiver from Isabelle whose looking startled at him, he doesn't have any time to explain, though. The demons have almost reached Jace!

“Just support my body!” He instructs and she's quick to comply as he draws his bow and shoots the first arrow faster than Isabelle can watch. The first demon goes down, not a second too late, followed right by the second and Jace is finally back on his feet, looking around shocked but with no time to waste as he runs to Clary's side to help her fight off yet more shax demons.

Alec is scanning the crowd, his vision sharper than he remembers, his body withstanding the strain with Isabelle's firm grip and strength supporting him, his bow like a second skin, another limb that feels so natural. He aims and kills, swiftly moving to do the same over and again, like flashes in the night the demons can't see coming, wherever he can spot lethal danger for any of their allies down there.

Finally there seem to be fewer demons appearing and Alec relaxes. He's suddenly shaking like a leaf in a storm, his bow dropping from his hands, unable to perceive what's happening. Isabelle cries out as her brother goes down, too heavy for her body that is worn thin now to hold up anymore. He drops like a dead weight, hitting his head on the stone floor.

Jace, who could sense Alec's presence earlier is alarmed immediately, and with few demons left, he tells Clary and Magnus to run after him as he leaps up to where he spotted Isabelle leaning over his unconscious Parabatai. “What happened?!” He turns Alec's body slowly, running a sweaty hand over Alec's still face. “He just collapsed, he was... shooting all these demons, but then... it was just too much for him.” Clary's by Isabelle's side, trying to comfort her. Magnus is quickly killing off a few more minor demons that followed them before he turns to see what's going on exactly. He doesn't have any time to let fear or sorrow take him over. Luke's there now and Jocelyn.

“There are more demons coming, get out of here!” Luke's green eyes are glowing dangerously and he and Magnus share a look that leaves no argument, and he's back in wolf's form, running back to his pack to aid them. Jocelyn's hugging her daughter tightly. “Go, and take care of yourselves, just get as far away as you can, if The Clave resorts to using The Mortal Cup to send demons after you, you're not safe anywhere near here!” Clary looks at her mother incredulously.  _The Clave_  did this?  _Why?!_  Do they want to kill them all? There is no more time to waste. Jace is already on the move, carrying Alec, hell bent on getting him out of that place.

Isabelle is desperately searching, trying to make eye contact with Simon. Finally he notices and their eyes meet. He wants nothing more than to follow her, but more demons are crowding them in and he can't leave the others, not now. Furthermore, the more of them stay behind to fight the demons off, the better the chance for Isabelle and the others to escape. He silently promises to find her as soon as he can, then turns to kill more of those damn pests.

And then all they can do is run. Magnus secures the rear, his magic more potent to fight off any unwelcome attackers.

They make it to the harbor where they hide between huge shipping containers to catch their breaths. Jace is laying Alec down gently, Isabelle supporting her brother's head. Magnus rushes in to heal Alec's head wound, for once praying his magic will do some good for his love.

Alec's eyes open seconds later and everyone noticeably relaxes. He blinks, his vision blurry at first, his body feels as if it got hit by a truck, and his throat is raw and sore, but he's glad to see the others, all looking terribly worn, dirt on their faces, their clothes torn in places, some blood and scratches, but alive. If only he could move now...

“You scared the crap out of us, buddy, don't do that again! But damn, you just had to be the hero, killing those fuckers even without knowing what you were doing!” Jace is laughing now, tears in his eyes, he's just  _so_  relieved that Alec is awake again, and so in awe of what he just did. No one but his Parabatai could have pulled that off! He's kind of bursting with pride and love and also sorrowful seeing the weakened state his brother's in now. But he fucking saved his life!  _Again_  and  _without his memories!_  Damn!

Alec is blinking, feeling rather baffled, and his head hurts. He has no idea what happened and how he knew how to do that... and he's going to delay wondering about it until he feels less shitty.

While the others are smiling and gushing over Alec, Magnus feels antsy and anxious. Where are they supposed to go? The loft is compromised, portaling is out of the question, The Clave being ridiculously paranoid, unlawful and simply  _manic_  is a very bad sign and leaves them with very few choices. And his magic has run almost dry fighting those cursed demons. He needs to come up with a plan, make a decision, the  _right_  one, for goddamn once!

“Well, you have clearly seen better days, my friend. I haven't seen you this rumpled in a long while, it's still not a good look on you.” Magnus turned almost as fast as lightning, shock turning into a bemused roll of his eyes. “And where have you been while all hell broke loose? Having a few drinks letting me do all the work, no doubt!” He's secretly glad to see his old best friend. Maybe they can come up with a strategy together.

Ragnor's grinning, slapping his warlock friend's shoulder. “Usually, but this time I bring real news. I finished it.” Magnus is uncertain about what his friend means for one fleeting moment, then he gets it and his eyes widen in proper surprise. He didn't think...

“Where is it?” They have no time to lose!

“Texas. I will go there now, take a look around. And you better find a way to get there quickly, assuming he still can't use a portal?” Magnus sighs a little painfully, glancing at Alec who’s still lying on the ground, his head in Isabelle's lap, Jace's hand over one of his.

“He can't, I could actually make out her magic just now. It's still way too strong.”  _Cursed warlock bitch!_

Ragnor nods serenely. “You'll find a way, I'll let you know the exact location once I have made it there, just hurry as fast as you can! Until soon, my friend!” They hug quickly and then Ragnor leaves and Magnus walks over to his friends.

“What did Ragnor want? Did he have any news?” Clary inquires, looking a little too hopeful at Magnus. He can't deny she has a talent for always seeing and believing in good things.

“Actually, he did. And I'll explain later but now we have to find a way to get to Texas.”

“Texas? Why? What's in Texas?” Jace questions, looking rather doubtful.

Magnus raises a cool eyebrow. “If you learned to listen properly you'd need not ask!” He  _just_  told them he'd explain later! Jace rolls his eyes but keeps silent, glancing back at Alec who's very quiet, and looks like the definition of  _drained._

“We need a means of transportation to get us there fast but preferably inconspicuously.” Magnus ponders, an image of a racing car popping into his mind. A yellow Ferrari maybe?

“Can you get Simon's van?” Magnus blinks at the red-head. Simon's  _van? “_ Tell me, biscuit, what didn't you understand about  _inconspicuous?”_ Magnus deadpans.

Clary just waves him off. “We were about to spray paint it again, it's just yellow now, and old and rusty enough, no one will think a bunch of Shadowhunters and a warlock are hiding in it to cruise to Texas!”

Magnus' Ferrari vision puffs out and he sighs softly. “Well, I suppose. At least it is yellow.”

His magic isn't sufficient enough to magic the van to them, however, so they're running again, thankfully being able to stay hidden and Clary finding them the quickest way to Simon's home. The garage is locked up but Magnus can help that still.

Jace puts Alec in the back and covers him with a couple of blankets, his skin feeling cold and clammy. “You'll be alright, brother.” He whispers to him encouragingly then leaves him in Isabelle's care and moves to the front, pretty sure he's going to be the designated driver. Clary made other plans, though. “I'm driving, you crashed the last two cars you practiced in.” Jace's mouth drops open and he wants to argue, but, unfortunately he can't deny it and settles in the passenger seat, feeling a little resigned.

In the end it doesn't matter as long as they'll get there.

 


	8. One Mutual Constant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should give a warning for this, it may just be me, though. Writing this was the hardest so far, but that's because I'm so consumed by this story and so invested, I'm an emotional wreck most of the time, just even more while writing this chapter... 
> 
> Oh, and a warning for a bit more graphic violence.

A couple of hours after they had taken off, the first light of day made its way through the dark, it was going to be another cold, but sunny day. Snow still wasn't scheduled as the radio commentator informed them. It certainly made for better and safer driving.

Clary had made Jace google their travel time, about 26 to 28 hours, depending on where exactly they needed to go. They would have to stop for supplies at some point and a bathroom break. She also doubted she could stay awake for that long, shouldn't be driving anyway. But she felt well enough, happy they were together, just missing Simon, Luke, and her mom, but they had gotten a text from them, informing them about the demons' retreat, not long after they had escaped, letting them come to the conclusion that they really were just sent to draw them out. It was hard to get their heads around that. Luke also said that the hell creatures hadn't been as vicious and lethal as demons usually are (apart from a few Alec had shot), resulting in no casualties for their friends, which was hard to believe, but made sense if they  _only_  wanted to scare them into giving up what they really were after.  _Alec._

He had been in and out of sleep, restless and a little feverish at one point, thankfully being helped by Isabelle drawing a couple of healing runes on him so Magnus could save up his magic. They had both been watching him quietly, sharing troubled looks every now and then.

Magnus can't remember having ever felt so heavy, like a set of iron weights was stitched on him, pulling him down hard. And the worst is, that Alexander has been going through one bottomless pit after another, and  _still_ managed to be this amazing, unwavering man, finding impossible strength and willpower when he was most needed by his loved ones. Magnus had been sure for a while that no one could come close to his Alexander in many ways, but now he really  _knew,_ could feel it in every fiber, tendon, muscle, and bone in his body.

Even if he truly were to live forever, no one would ever come along who could be half the incredible person the young Shadowhunter was, and always would be for him. Already he had experienced life without Alec, and he  _never_ wanted to repeat it. He would go on to exist without him, but he wouldn't _live._

He had never felt like this about anyone, not even Camille, maybe for a second in time, but nothing like this raw, brutal, overwhelming grief and anguish he felt that left him breathless and  _sore_ whenever he thought about continuing life without Alexander by his side. It was inconceivable to him, and he would have preferred to not think about it for many years, but recent events had forced it on him. And now he knew that he couldn't endure it.

His inner need to annihilate something was extreme again, he wanted to scream his pain into all the worlds, see them crumble and combust and kill anything and anyone who ever tried to harm Alec again, whoever  _did_  harm him, in ways he hadn't been able to imagine. His fingers were balled into fists, so tightly and furiously, his nails were scraping his skin, drawing blood. There was so much hatred in his heart, his soul, for himself, revived in the endless weeks of not knowing where Alexander was, whether he was even alive, when Magnus had blamed himself more every day, every hour he hadn't been able to find him. It had chopped away at his happiness, his confidence and self-worth, his ability to love and let others love him, doubting the truth of this statement more, the more time had passed.

Most of all he was  _so_  terrified of what would happen to them. Maybe there wouldn't even be a  _them_ anymore. Maybe Alec's memories were lost forever and maybe he wouldn't feel the same way about the warlock ever again. Magnus didn't know how he was meant to cope with that, either, but at least, as long as Alec was  _there_ , he had a chance... and he could be close to him as a friend, if nothing else, the mere thought of staying away, a sheer impossibility.

Also, if Alexander would blame him, too, which would be his damn right, because he felt as guilty as if he were responsible for what had been happening to the young half angel already, it would  _destroy_  him.

Seeing that kind of betrayal, disappointment,  _repulsion_  and even fear in those warm, gorgeous hazel eyes would erase any good, any redeemable part of him that was left.

Magnus has never felt so full of fears, each one overpowering the last, like a never-ending vicious circle.

“Magnus?” Isabelle's suddenly next to him, her hands covering his fists. He winces, feeling startled and caught, guilty as if she could read his mind. Her dark eyes are warm and caring when they meet his, to his surprise, cat eyes, he must have been too distracted to keep them glamoured, but she doesn't seem to mind and he slowly relaxes, loosening his fingers.

“It's all going to be okay. I know it's hard to believe right now, but we will find a way, we always do. And Alec won't ever give up, not even now, look how he's fighting, even in this state. Just don't give up, don't let us lose you again, please. We need you,  _he_  needs you more than ever, and you need him.”

He averts his eyes, observing the brave, young man he loves more than anyone has ever loved another being.

His breathing has evened out, his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. He's finally resting properly. Magnus takes a very long, deep breath and musters a little smile for his friend. He's not giving up, never! Not as long as they're both breathing. And even then...

They continue to sit in silence, Isabelle putting an arm around him, leaning against him.

* * *

 

 They're somewhere in Virginia when they have to stop for gas, taking the opportunity to wash up, buy food and drinks and a few clean shirts. Clary had been embarrassed to ask Magnus for money, but she hardly had had time to get any herself. Her friend hadn't bat an eyelid, snapped his fingers and handed her a couple thousand dollars, simply shrugging her off when she had stared at him and assured him that they didn't need  _that_  much. He really didn't care and wouldn't take it back, but she would make sure to return the rest another time.

Alec had been awake a couple of times but rather unresponsive. Isabelle had to feed him a sandwich and make him drink some water after which he had just closed his eyes again, but they'd been pretty sure he hadn't gone back to sleep. They let him be, unable to fathom what he was going through.

Even Jace isn't sure what it is he's feeling from his Parabatai, it's all muddled up and undiscernible. He's trying not to think too much.

When Clary had finally needed a break from driving, Jace had, of course, thought it was his turn, but he didn't count on Isabelle, who'd been dozing and was more rested than any of them, to take the keys off of her red-haired friend instead, leaving Jace stranded. She was a very confident driver, just not as rash and risk-taking as her adoptive brother. Jace gave up, pulled a white Welcome to Virginia cap over his face that matched the shirt he was wearing underneath his black leather jacket, the same as Isabelle and Clary, and tried to get some sleep instead. All the time he was aware of Alec's very soft heartbeat.

 

Magnus' eyes flick to the young woman, her red hair spread all around her head, sleeping on the van floor for a moment before they're back on the young man he hasn't let out of his sight, who has been disturbingly still for a couple of hours. He hasn't let himself think or feel, fully concentrating on Alexander's breathing, making that one up and down movement of the taller man's chest his single most essential focus.

He didn't dare allow himself to sleep, resting like this would have to be enough. Enough to... do what they would have to once reunited with Ragnor. He had to trust their combined magic would be enough to...

Jace and Magnus jump in the exact same moment, Jace having felt a painful jolt coming from his Parabatai rune, and Magnus having witnessed Alexander's body convulse, his skin drenched with cold sweat seconds later. Jace is frantic, scrambling back into the van where Magnus is already bent over Alec, trying to see what's happening, trying to wake him up.

Even while being still, Alec had been dreaming, just not like the terrors from before, more like normal dreams, his mind going over everything that had happened since they'd found him. Every now and then, images he wasn't able to place mingled with the rest. At first it had all been clear and real, like a movie playing, gradually it had become erratic, faster, too fast for him to follow, voices distorted and images blurred, faces pulled into grotesque grimaces.

He wanted to get away, out of the dream, being aware of it being such, but he couldn't. An all too familiar darkness started to envelope him then and he wanted to scream, punch and kick and run away, but all he was able to do was take it, losing all feeling in his body, going deaf and blind and feeling so very frightened of what was to come next.

 

_He's falling, expecting to crash and break all of his bones once more. He's stopped suddenly, the impact of the pullback crushing his lungs, making him gasp and gurgle._

_Then he's standing on solid ground._

_He's back in New York, remembering the place. He's standing on the building from where he had shot the demons. But he's alone, and he doesn't have his bow and quiver and he can't see anyone – no, wait – he squinches his eyes and moves right to the edge, grabbing the banister with both hands. In the distance, on the streets there are figures lying on the ground._

_He jumps off and sprints towards the closest one, his heart drumming in his chest, pumping blood thrice as fast as normal. It's a vampire he recognizes but can't remember his name. He's dead. Not far off is a werewolf, his stomach sliced open, its content spread around the corpse, blood and guts everywhere. Alec's running further, dreading what he may find, but he can't stop._

_His heart leaps out of his chest as he suddenly spots long, red hair, dyed with thick, red blood. Clary, deadly wounds on her head, throat and chest. He's horrified and sick but he has to move on. He finds Simon, Jocelyn and Luke and others he doesn't recognize, all murdered, sometimes their limbs scattered around the battle field. Sometimes they're missing their faces._

_But he's sure that he hasn't found neither Isabelle, nor Jace or Magnus. As long as he can't be sure that they're dead he has to look for them!_

_He can hear sounds, a voice crying out, a woman. He runs faster, his intuition telling him it's his sister before he sees her. He's right._

_Isabelle is surrounded by four demons, she's badly hurt, long gashes on her arms and legs and one across her abdomen, almost too weak to stand on her own. The demons are still, watching, as if they're waiting... all four heads turn as Alec comes into view. Eight red, flaming eyes are staring right at him. An eerie gut-wrenching sensation is crawling along Alec's insides. If he didn't know it's not possible, he'd think they're smirking at him._

_He calls out his sister's name, scanning his whereabouts for anything he could use as a weapon, but he's too late. The demons close in on her, grabbing at her, their pincers, claws and teeth penetrating her flesh, blood shooting from her wounds. He screams and runs to get to her, in vain. They rip her body apart right in front of him and the pain he feels is mind-blowing, as if he were torn to pieces himself._

 

Jace is in a lot of pain, kneeling at his brother's side, desperately trying to bring him back into a waking state. Magnus had tried to use magic again, though he had little hope, and it turned out futile. Clary had woken up, watching angst filled the scene before her, Isabelle hardly able to go on driving but forcing herself because they  _had to_  get there and she couldn't have done anything more than the others.

Alec was completely wet-through, his skin drained from all color, his body twitching and flinching, his eyes going mad behind his eyelids, flitting from one side to the other.

Suddenly his upper body shoots up, eyes flying open wide, bloodshot and teary. A guttural sound, comparable to an animal in its death throes, leaves his mouth before he's crying, panting, groaning and falling backwards heavily, lucky that Jace is there, catching him and laying him down carefully.

Alec's sobbing now, turning all of their insides out, and though they try to comfort him, he's inconsolable. They're entirely helpless.

 

“Izzy! Izzy? Izzy, no, nononono! Izzy!” He's still crying his heart out but they finally understand some of what he's trying to say. Isabelle stops the car within a couple of seconds by the road and races to his side, Jace and Magnus making some room for her. She grabs his hand tightly and strokes his sweat soaked hair and face, trying to soothe him. She can't hold back her own tears, seeing her brother suffering so terribly. Jace is crying, too, feeling so much of Alec's pain he doesn't even know how his brother can bear any of it.

Magnus is stunned into silent limbo, not even noticing Clary's arm around him or when she eventually moves to comfort her boyfriend. Why would anyone have to  _ever_  go through such  _misery_?  _Why Alexander?!_  Why can't whoever's done this do it to  _him_  instead? He'd take it,  _infinitely_ , if only Alec would be spared.

Clary eventually started to drive again, leaving Isabelle with her brother who went quiet after a long time, and was just staring into nothing now. Jace and Magnus both sat on the van's floor in torpid silence.

* * *

 

The van had just crossed the state sign of Arkansas when Clary noticed they needed more gas again. They had a little over five hours to go. Ragnor had sent Magnus the location where they'd meet, but their warlock friend still hadn't told them anything more, but then they hadn't asked, too troubled and preoccupied by Alec's suffering.

The dark-haired Shadowhunter hadn't spoken a single word, still looking up at the same spot, blinking at times, accepting a few sips of water from his sister, but other than that being still and quiet, not reacting to Isabelle wiping his face with a wet cloth, or her attempts at inquiring about how he was feeling.

“We should get some air, move our legs and freshen up, if we're lucky this is our last stop before we meet Ragnor.” Clary tried to encourage her friends who all looked as if they'd been in a meat grinder. She  _got it,_ of course, feeling herself completely out of her depth and just so sad for all of them, but whatever was waiting for them, it had to get better than this.

Jace complied quietly, needing to stretch his legs and get some feeling back into his numb body. He also needed to get a grip, stop driving himself crazy and dwelling on what happened, even though he knew that he would  _never_  be able to forget those horrid feelings and this defenselessness against Alec's personal demons. And it was fine, he'd take a lot more, if only his brother were safe.

“Izzy, go, I'll stay.” Magnus' voice is feather light, his touch on her shoulder soft and she wipes her eyes before nodding, trying to muster a smile but finding herself unable to, and leaves the van.

Magnus sits down next to where Alec still lies, and forces himself to seek out those beloved hazel eyes that comprise such a rich color spectrum, from green to gold to amber and darker shades in the throes of passion, anger or sadness.

Magnus shudders at how lifeless and veiled those eyes appear. If he loses him again...

“What happened to the cats?”

For a moment the warlock freezes, then adrenaline kicks in, making his whole body tingle. Alexander's voice is raw and throaty, which is no wonder after... he mustn't think back to that now! What makes him want to break down and cry more is the simple request, which is so defining for him. No one else, not even he himself, would have spared a thought for the cats in the young man's distress. No one but _his Alexander._

“I... I'm sure they're just fine, they can take much better care of themselves than most animals or even some people are able to, you needn't worry about them.” He actually doesn't know what happened, but he is sure that his words are true nonetheless.

Alec's quiet again, and Magnus can't be sure whether he believes him, or what he's thinking, or feeling, or...

“Why did you have cat eyes?” Magnus is startled once more, staring now directly into Alec's eyes who have shifted towards him. When did he see? His mind is so jumbled and crowded, he doesn't remember. His eyes widen suddenly. Does he  _remember?_

“At the loft... you and Jace were arguing...” Magnus' hope crumbles at once. Of course, how could he forget and be so stupid? He takes a deep inward breath.

“They're my true eyes. These ones,” he gestures at his face, “are glamoured by my magic, so they look normal.”

Another long, silent moment passes, but Magnus finds that Alexander's eyes aren't quite as clouded anymore.

“Why?” One word, one innocent question, one sea of hurt behind the answer.

Magnus smiles gently at him. “Sometimes we have to hide part of ourselves, to fit in, and to make others feel... more comfortable.” It's by far not the whole reason, but it's part of it and Magnus has accepted that a very long time ago.

“You shouldn't hide them, they're... nice.” Alec had difficulty finding the right word and that wasn't what he wanted to use at all, but his mind isn't half functioning right.

Magnus' features soften in surprise, but before he can respond the van doors are opened and their three friends are back.

Alec isn't exactly smiling at them, but even acknowledging their presence provides them with joy.

“Hey, big brother, I got you a cool T-shirt, just like ours but with ducks, and before you ask, I have no idea why ducks.” Isabelle seems to really have gotten a grip on herself, sounding cheerful and upbeat again, and even gets a half raised eyebrow from her brother for her effort. She's delighted! Even more so when he actually sits up on his own and manages to even bend his legs. His movements are anything but swift and what one would call elegant, but they all have a silly, adoring expression on their faces when he looks at them, his face turning into a confused frown.

“Don't worry, they're all lunatics.” Says his sister who's got a goofy grin on her face. He sure has strange friends and family. But he's so fucking glad they are and they're here... wherever here is and going... wherever they're going. He actually doesn't have a clue, but he's fine with it just now, not thinking is working, for now. And he has a more urgent matter to attend to...

“Um, I,” he clears his throat that's still rather sore, “I really need to use a bathroom.” Actually he feels absolutely disgusting, his clothes partly still sticking to his skin that was bathed in sweat not terribly long ago. And he wants a shower and wash his hair! But he knows that's unlikely just now, and he'd really be grateful to just empty his bladder and splash some water into his face and neck.

“Sure thing, I'll take you.” Jace is right by his side, having snatched the T-shirt from Isabelle, helping him up, watching out for his head so he won't hit it in the van, and they manage to step out and reach the bathroom slowly, but Alec's legs work with him for once. He manages alright in the stall and can lean on the wall while freshening up.

He doesn't want to stop splashing himself with water and pushes his whole head under the stream after Jace helped him get rid of his jacket and shirt. The shirt's ruined and he drops it in the bin, washes his upper body and then pulls that weird yellow duck T-shirt on. It's very comical and surreal when he observes himself in the mirror, water still dropping from his wet hair, a light stubble on his chin, cheeks and upper lip. He'll have to shave, just like Jace, but he guesses that's also not one of their priorities just now. He pushes some wet strands out of his eyes and tries standing straight. He's too wobbly on his legs still, though.

Jace has been watching his best friend subtly, wanting to give him some space and privacy but also prepared to rush to Alec's aid should he need it. Like now. He helps him back into his jacket and pulls one of Alec's arms over his shoulder, wrapping his arm around the taller man's waist. “Alright?” Alec can't meet his brother's concerned gaze but he nods anyway, taking a last glance at himself in the mirror. A few minutes later they're back in the van but he refuses to lie down again. He's had enough of that and he won't, under no circumstances, let himself fall asleep.

Thankfully, with Alec this lively again, all their spirits have been revived as well, and they manage to keep a nice, steady conversation going to which Alec doesn't contribute much, but he listens attentively. Especially Magnus telling them a few stories about his travels a couple hundred years ago, how the world had been so different, has Alec transfixed on Magnus' lips, his every word, and he catches himself wishing to see those yellow, glowing cat eyes again. He may dare ask some time, when they're alone again.

* * *

 

It's quite early still when they finally reach their destination. “Welcome to the middle of nowhere.” Clary's reaction to the seemingly endless vastness of Texan territory. There are mountains way back in the distance, a few small bushes spread on the mostly earthy, even ground.

“Are you sure this is the place? There isn't even a sign or anything.” She inquires as they all got out of the van and are standing about, a little lost and puzzled.

“Yes, I am sure, don't you trust me anymore?” Magnus shows her he's kidding, scanning the vast landscape intently until he finds what he's been looking for. “Follow me.”

He walks directly into the countryside, not a single path leading to anywhere, but his steps are definitely aimed for something. They follow, Jace and Isabelle supporting their brother on either side.

Magnus stops at the mark Ragnor left him that only he could see, and waits. His friend should appear any moment now...

 

Ah, finally Ragnor's portal opens and he steps out, gifting his best friend with a smile that conveys how glad he is that they made it.

“Took you long enough.” Magnus just waves him off, knowing they have no time to waste. “Let's just do this, will an hour be sufficient?”

“Only if you can keep up.” Ragnor retorts, unable to hide a small grin. Magnus can't hold back a small pout before he turns to the Shadowhunters who are all looking expectantly at the two warlocks.

“The four of you need to wait back in the van until we're done.” He points at them, his finger circling the air.

“What? We're supposed to wait around stupidly now that we're finally here, and what is it we're doing here anyway?” Jace, of course. Magnus sighs softly, his patience wearing thin now, knowing how much work and risks lie ahead.

“Don't mind my old friend, he's always been a little bit too protective of his secrets.” Ragnor responds diplomatically, sharing an affectionate look with Magnus, knowing how wired and nervous he's feeling.

“A really long time ago, some warlocks, six to be exact, came up with a plan to create a safe house if you will, a place where only those who were entrusted with the right spell and powers could enter, but once they did, they were completely safe from harm. Unfortunately that kind of magic is very unique and complex, and there are only three such houses in this world, one of which, luckily for us, is situated right here.” He turns and gestures ahead of them. They can't see anything.

“Look, it will all be revealed once I have learned the spell, so just wait-” Magnus says impatiently but gets rudely interrupted by Jace again. “What, you don't know the spell, yet?”

Magnus' chest is swelling with rage, his eyes forming slits and he's about to explode, but doesn't, because Ragnor's hand is settling comfortingly on his shoulder. “Just wait for me over there, Magnus.”

The younger warlock swallows down hard and complies, stalking away.

“I didn't mean to-” Ragnor holds up a hand to silence the blond man. “It's alright. Magnus couldn't learn the spell yet because I had to find and translate it first, we will study it now, so as not to make any mistakes, and once we are done we will make sure to get you all to safety.” He smiles softly at them. “Thank you, we will wait in the van.” Clary concedes and they walk back quietly.

It's all sapping more on Alec's little strength than he wants to admit. He's glad when he's back in the van, sitting, being able to stretch out his legs and lean back. Jace and Clary took a blanket and stayed outside for now, but he doesn't mind. He's weary and would love to take a nap, if he were back at the Institute, being Alec Lightwood as he must have lived before, with all his memories intact and no devilish worm inside his head. He doesn't know what is inside, but he doesn't particularly like worms.

“Do you want to eat or drink something?” His sister's sat down next to him, watching him closely, he can tell. They have all been watching him since he can remember.

“No, I'm good.” He knows she knows he's not good, how could he be? But he has no words to tell anyone, not even himself how he is, so what's the point? All he knows is that he's happy she's  _alive,_ but the images in his mind will probably haunt him for the rest of his life. He mustn't think about it now.

His eyes fall on his bow and quiver that are lying in the corner. He remembers shooting the demons, but he's baffled as to knowing  _how_. Looking at the weapon now, he's absolutely certain he couldn't do it again.

“Why did you even bring them?” He turns his head carefully, meeting his sister's deep, dark eyes. She looks slightly puzzled for a moment.

“Well, you would have lynched me if I left them behind when your memories come back.”

She says it with so much clarity and genuineness, he's left stunned, feeling so touched at that, her belief that he  _will_ remember, just a question of when. He can't help but smile. It's small but sincere. Isabelle's about to cry again so she quickly moves to lean against her brother and takes one of his big hands into hers. As long as they'll be able to do that, they'll be alright.

* * *

 

It takes more than two hours for Magnus and Ragnor to approach the van again, the four Shadowhunters having moved close together inside, wrapped up in blankets as it's gotten quite cold without the van moving. It's high time they get into that house.

Magnus is scared. Not about messing up the spell, though it could be deadly for all of them, not about his magic running out, though, again, it could be deadly for them, but those matters are small compared to the actual reason. The reason, and he so wishes for it to not always have to be him, being Alexander.

He leaves it to Ragnor to explain the basics. “There are six marks all around where the house will appear, once we successfully completed the spell. We will each stand on one of the marks, and before you ask, we don't have to be six because of the six marks, but it's useful that we are, all it really requires is at least two warlocks who are powerful enough, so we're fine.” He says with a lot more confidence than Magnus feels.

“All you really have to do is hold your position, keeping your arms stretched out so our combined magic can run from us through your hands and into each one of us, until the cycle is complete. Also, we will have to draw from all of your strengths, because those who don't make a certain sacrifice won't be allowed to enter. Oh, and one more thing. Magnus and I won't be able to talk or help you in case of something going wrong. We have to keep up the spell in perfect sync, while also pouring out our magic in the right amount, and that will take all of our concentration. You'll have to take care of yourselves.”

The two warlocks are looking into four pairs of stunned eyes, all needing a minute to take it all in. Magnus feels sicker the longer he has to wait and when he meets the blond's eyes, he quickly gestures him to follow. He makes them walk a sure distance so no one could hear what he's about to tell Jace.

Magnus forces himself to look straight into the Shadowhunter’s quizzical eyes, piercing them so Jace will have left no doubts about how severe this is.

“You're the only one I can tell this, and you mustn't tell any of the others, especially not Alexander. I am truly sorry to have to burden you with this, but it's the only way. All Ragnor said is right, but what he left out is this; Alexander isn't strong enough to withstand the spell. If we even try he will die.” Magnus halts, giving Jace a few seconds to let this grave truth sink in.

“The only solution is to link you two through your Parabatai bond, so Alexander will be included in the spell, but it won't draw from his strength but yours, meaning you will have to be burdened twice as hard as the others.”

Jace doesn't need long at all to make a decision. “Alright, no problem.” Magnus obviously knew this and it makes him proud and happy, and  _so_ very sad.

“There's one more thing you have to know, should your strength fail, you will both be punished, but no one can tell how. There's only one record of two Parabatai to ever participate in this spell, one of them was severely injured, and the other wasn't able to hold out.” Magnus can't say it, maybe it's not worth the risk, maybe they should wait or try something else, but there's more none of them, but Ragnor and himself know.

Luke had called, he and Jocelyn had found out more about The Clave's plans. And they weren't good. And they could keep running but ultimately they wouldn't be safe  _anywhere else._  This safe house is their one, real chance, and he trusts in Jace, and his love for Alec will hopefully provide him with the physical might and willpower he'll need. And the punishment doesn't have to be certain death, but it _could_  happen.

Jace is quickly catching up with what Magnus is trying to tell him. “They died.” The warlock nods slightly. “I can strengthen your bond, give you some extra endurance and healing, but I can't guarantee that it will be enough.”

The young Shadowhunter doesn't feel despaired over this, to his own surprise. He thinks back to the times Alec saved his life, and they weren't few, all his Parabatai sacrificed, for him, everyone else, his own happiness, his own life. Jace finally realizes the overwhelming enormity of his Parabatai's vigor, even in this dire situation, having lost his memories, his safety, his identity, being thrown into the unknown, helpless and alone, going through such unthinkable hellishness so many times, and yet coming out alive, hoping, trusting. He would be appalled and hate himself for all eternity if he failed him now. There's not a chance in hell that he will!

“I can do it, for Alec.” He feels like he could do  _anything_  for his brother, he knows he would die for him, and so he  _can_  keep them both alive, now that Alec truly needs him and only he can do this.

Magnus feels a spark of hope when he sees the fiery determination and mad confidence in the young man's eyes. And even though he had expected this, he is in awe of the young Shadowhunter, who is willing to face and give up everything for the one they both love the most in different ways.

Their one mutual constant.

 


	9. What The Hell Happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for just reading this, should you enjoy it, and every kudos and your extremely kind words! 
> 
> This is by far not a 'fluff' story but I managed to actually use the word 'fluffy' in this chapter... it amuses me, but don't worry (or rather, do) there's much more angst in store...

“What did you two scheme all secretively?” Isabelle inquires as soon as Jace and Magnus are back. Magnus has been going through each single, careful word he'd tell them about it several times, but Jace is much faster to respond, leaving Magnus startled and, for a few seconds, terrified.

“Oh, just about Alec.” He turns to his Parabatai who's sitting on the van's back, the doors open so he can dangle his feet. “I'm really sorry, buddy, but you're a little weak on your legs just now, so Magnus and I decided it's best that we share a mark. Through our Parabatai bond we can trick the spell into including us both but you won't have to give up any strength which sounds like a very fine deal to me, what'd you say?”

Alec has been watching him, listening closely to every word. He was alarmed at first, but there doesn't seem to be any need now. Jace is seemingly relaxed and quite happy about this, and if he's totally honest with himself, he was really worried about the having to stand his ground and lose strength part, because he can still not really stand properly on his own, let alone for more than a few seconds while the little strength he has is being sucked out of him. He feels a slight apprehension but he doesn't know why or what to do about it. His mouth twitches in acceptance and he nods slightly. Jace pats his arm, smiling.

“Well, let's start then, the sooner the better, right?” He turns to Magnus who is still rather astounded by the coolness and easiness with which Jace has made everyone believe his words, completely concealing the gravity of it all. The warlock has to admit he wouldn't have managed to be quite as convincing just now. It's genuinely overwhelming what these Shadowhunters do for each other, what he himself has been willing to do over and again... for Alexander mainly, but also Clary and Jocelyn before that and now, he'd do pretty much anything in his power for each and every single one of the people present.

“Right, yes, let's do that. You should all refresh your runes and then you two,” he points at the Parabatai pair, “come to me.” He doesn't meet their eyes, turning away and finding a more secluded spot to get his mind in order. There isn't room for one single mistake, and even then it could end badly, but they'll just have to make it! If any group of people can, surely it's them!

It's not long before Alec, supported by Jace, appear and Magnus tells them to lift their shirts up, which, in any other situation, he'd find highly amusing, and lets his magic run over and into their Parabatai runes, also invigorating Jace's endurance and healing as promised. “All done, let's get started, your mark is the one closest to mine.” He'll have to keep an eye on them in any case, even if he will be utterly powerless as to help them, should the need arise. He still  _has_ to know what's happening, if only to store it forever in his memory as his eternal sentence, should the worst case scenario become reality.

The warlock marks form a quadrangle, leaving a large free space in the middle. Magnus and Ragnor are standing in the middle of their side with only one mark each, facing each other at the longest distance. Alec and Jace are on Magnus' right, and Isabelle on Magnus' left, leaving Clary next to Isabelle and next to Ragnor's right, leaving the mark on his left empty.

Alec is going to stand behind his brother, holding onto Jace's middle, with Jace needing both of his arms and hands to participate in the spell.

Magnus and Ragnor stretch out their arms, their eyes meeting in the distance, sending each other luck. The Shadowhunters are mirroring their example and when Jace feels his Parabatai's grip on him, he feels inspired with confidence.  _I won't let you down, my brother, never._  He nods at Magnus who is hopeful to still see such determination in the blond Shadowhunter.

Everyone's feelings are highly intense which is reflecting on everyone's faces as they're facing one of their biggest challenges yet, without really how high the stakes could be.  _Add it to all the rest of my sins._ Magnus needs to focus now, erasing everything but the spell and control of his magic from his mind. It all depends on him and Ragnor first and foremost.

The warlocks give each other the sign that they're ready, and it begins.

 

They start chanting the spell at the same moment in time exactly, Ragnor's green magic starting to flow out of his hands, one ray towards Clary's hand, the other, having to overcome a slightly greater distance, to Jace's. At the same time Magnus' blue magic is doing the same, meeting Isabelle's hand at the exact second as it's meeting Jace's other hand on his right. Their magic is uniting between Isabelle and Clary, bright green meeting bright blue, glowing as brightly as never before, and on the other side within Jace.

They all feel alleviated, having such tremendous power flowing through them. Jace feels invincible, so aware of his brother relying on him, there really is  _no_ way he could let him down, especially not feeling like this!

As the spell goes on, however, they start to realize what Ragnor meant about sacrificing part of themselves. They can feel every ounce of strength that is leaving their body and it is painful. They're soon sweating and trembling, needing all their self-control and willpower to stay standing and keeping their arms up. Jace being doubly affected doesn't let it show at first. He stands his ground like a rock that nothing could alter, his only concern being Alec's well-being, but the dark-haired man seems to be fine, not feeling any of the strain himself. He can't tell what he may feel through their bond as he doesn't have enough focus left to concentrate on it, but it simply has to be alright.

Ragnor and Magnus are in a trance, their bodies and minds having been taken over by ancient voices in their heads, chanting and chanting and chanting. Magnus has seldom felt something so powerful, and he could get lost in the sensations, if not for the tiny pull on his mind that is leading towards the young Shadowhunter clinging to his brother's body. Magnus doesn't know what it means and he can't lose focus, so he keeps on chanting the spell.

Many minutes have passed and they're all slowly having to dip into their reserves, their bodies as tense as possible so they won't give in. Jace is soaked in sweat, trembling dangerously but focusing his whole being into his stance. But even though, he doesn't know how much longer he will be able to... suddenly he notices how tightly Alec is pressing into him,  _trusting_  him with his life even though he's probably not aware of it. He can't fall through now, or ever. He can do it, for Alec, he can do it. And really, a wave of newfound strength no one would believe is growing inside of him, but it's sucked out of him almost as quickly again, the spell becoming even more forceful.

Magnus hears Isabelle's gasp, for a moment scared that they've failed, but his brave friends are all still standing, fighting. Why is this taking so long, though? It should have happened by now, they should have succeeded!

He can feel that strange pull again, more present now than before and though it's a big risk, he lets part of his mind follow it. Leading directly to Alexander's mind. Magnus needs a few seconds to understand, and when he does, fright is threatening to paralyze him and it's taking everything out of him to not give into it.

The spell is rejecting Alexander, not particularly him, but whatever is inside his mind. And he's completely helpless to do anything about it. He just knows with grave certainty, that Jace won't be able to withstand this enormous strain much longer, no matter how much he wants to. Giving up might be their only chance... but it's way too late for that. They may all die if he stops the spell now. But he can't do _nothing_. He just can't!

Magnus has never been in need to control his body and mind on so many levels at the same time. He manages to send Jace a telepathic message, informing him about what's going on.

Jace is seriously disturbed by suddenly having Magnus' voice in his head, but thankfully he doesn't let that falter his resolve. Magnus' warning is deeply disconcerting, though, and what can he do about it? He'll just have to hold on, no matter how long it will take, no matter what happens, he won't let Alec die!

Magnus is relieved when he senses Jace's resoluteness. But it won't last forever! He has to do something to force the spell to act according to his wishes and accept Alexander and whatever power within him. He reaches out to Ragnor, praying that he won't startle his best friend too much.

Thankfully Ragnor's still perceptive enough to get Magnus' message and his plan. They will both divert magic from the girls, who have already been accepted by the spell's magic, towards Jace, hoping to overpower the spell's refusal. They can't be sure it will work and even more they can't be sure Jace will be able to handle it.

Magnus quickly lets Jace know that it will get worse any second and that he'll have to fight like never before. Jace is bracing himself, his teeth clenched, his body shaking to his core, but he won't ever give up!

Alec has been aware of something being awry. He can't tell what but he feels a wrongness deep inside of him, maybe because of their bond, maybe because he's extremely intuitive, or both. Something is definitely not going right and Jace is barely keeping on his feet. Alec's trying to support him somehow but he fears he's only more of a burden, as ever. When a shockwave of magic crashes into his Parabatai, Alec can feel some of it and he gasps, clinging even harder to his brother, trying to find more strength in himself. He needs to find a way to help him before he collapses and the spell will have failed, and then...? He doesn't want to find out!

All Alec can think of, all he's able to do is carefully loosen his grip on his brother and moving his hands along Jace's arms, finally covering his hands with his own and taking in the full force of both warlocks' combined magic, which is wringing all of his strength the second he comes in contact with it. One instant later they're both falling to the ground, no longer conscious.

Magnus wants to scream when he becomes aware of what Alexander's doing, but he mustn't break the spell... and then everything is lost as he sees both brothers fall. It's all over. Everything. And he doesn't need to fight anymore, letting himself go as he, too, loses consciousness.

* * *

 

Isabelle is holding her head as she finds herself on the ground suddenly, not a clue what just happened. She could feel how the magic lessened, and took less of her strength. But other than that... She blinks and stares up at something that hadn't been there before. A house... no,  _the_  house! They made it?! She looks around frantically but only spots Clary, everyone else concealed by the building. She crawls towards her friend who looks a little dopey. “Clary! We made it, look!” The red-head focuses on her, then follows her friend's pointed arm, oh! It's here! The house! “Where is everyone else? We have to find them!” The women help each other onto their feet, both feeling rather feeble but together they manage and then they round the house towards where Magnus had been only moments ago.

They find him lying on the ground, unmoving, breathing, but his eyes closed. “Clary, stay with him!” Isabelle is suddenly terrified about what else she might see when rounding the next corner, and her fears are confirmed.

Ragnor is with Alec and Jace, checking them over, relieved to find they're still alive. He had been very close to collapsing himself but then the spell stopped just in time.

“Ragnor! Are they breathing?” He quickly nods in affirmation and she breathes out with relief. “What happened? Magnus is unconscious as well.”

The warlock really isn't quite sure, they'll have to ask those three later, when they're awake again. “We better take them inside.” Isabelle agrees that that's their priority right now and helps him to carry first Alec, then Jace inside, laying them both down on rather large couches, but there's no time to spare a second look around the interior, yet. They help Clary to carry Magnus inside as well, placing him carefully into the armchair facing the couches.

“What do we do? How do we wake them up?” Isabelle. “I'm not sure, maybe there's some smelling salt here somewhere? Or something magical, maybe?” They're both turning to Ragnor for advice. “I think we should just let them come to on their own terms. They need time to heal and recover and we shouldn't interfere.”

The Shadowhunters aren't happy with that, but they're reasonable enough to know he's probably right. “As long as they will wake up.” Isabelle shares a serene look with Ragnor who's nodding earnestly, they very well don't have a choice!

They find blankets to cover all three of them and then, leaving Ragnor with them, the women start to explore the house, which is so much bigger on the inside than it had looked from the outside, though it was pretty impressive even then.

There's a huge kitchen downstairs, a bathroom, pantry, storage room, and even a cellar with all kinds of expensive looking bottles of liquor. Most likely the front runner for becoming Magnus' favorite room.

Upstairs are several bedrooms and two more bathrooms. Every room is bright and colorful, but tasteful, with a lot of details and decorations. The girls are drawn to the beds, closets full of clothes for every man or woman who could possibly come in here. They don't take a long time to choose something as the thought of hot showers are filling up their minds, apart from worrying about the unconscious men downstairs.

They haven't moved once they join them again and they decide to check out the kitchen and pantry for something edible. They'll surely be hungry once they wake up.

The women can only stare at the amount of food, of all kinds. “This is like the land of milk and honey.” Clary says, her face full of amazement. Isabelle, though not knowing what her friend is referring to, can only nod.

They decide to make stew and dumplings because it's a winter meal and it will hopefully saturate all of their empty stomachs. Isabelle even lets Clary do most of the cooking, she really wants it to taste good!

* * *

 

Wherever he is, it is very dark here. Also, it smells funny. Like... vegetables cooking. Alright, what happened, what does he remember? He's searching his mind, but it feels like cotton. There was magic, a lot of it, a spell, a very powerful one, and people... Ragnor, Clary, Isabelle, and...

 

He gasps as if he's fighting for air, his eyes suddenly wide open, flitting about like alarmed insects. Where the hell is he? Not a place he knows, he's sure. And where are...

He blinks and turns his head slightly, unable to move it further. What in the devil's name...

“Relax, Magnus, everyone made it.” Ragnor's sitting at the end of a large, navy blue couch, next to a sleeping blond Shadowhunter. Everyone... flashes of the last images he saw invade his mind, Alec covering Jace's hands, taking in their magic, they were both screaming and dropping... And where is Alexander?! He moves his head as much as he can to the other side, relief flooding him when his eyes take in the young man, lying on another couch, also sleeping?

“They're still unconscious, as were you a minute ago, but they'll be alright.” Ragnor saw the dangerous frown on his friend's face and made haste to reassure him, though a reassured Magnus looks usually differently...

“How do you know? Maybe that's the punishment and they won't-” No,  _wait!_  If they were punished, then they wouldn't be in the house! Which can only mean that... they succeeded in overpowering the spell...? Seriously? Magnus is stunned into silence for a long moment. He had acted out of sheer despair, having had no knowledge of whether it even could have worked out... and Alec, he must have known something was wrong, and put himself in danger again, even though he couldn't have known how lethal it was this time, because  _he_  hadn't told him! It could all have gone  _so very wrong._  And it would have been his fault and his fault alone.

“Magnus, stop panicking, they both made it and they're safe. There's no point thinking about the  _what ifs_  now. You did what you had to do and you won, proving that fortune favors fools once again.” He truly is impressed with his younger warlock friend, he doesn't know anyone else who would have done what he did in that situation, putting himself at such risk to save others, being so quick and foolish to improvise, and even emerging victoriously, by a hairsbreadth. No, there certainly isn't another warlock he knows who would have done that.

Magnus eventually gives in, sighs and leans back to rest a little. He put himself under enormous strain and he'll need a while longer than usual until he'll be back to normal, may as well make the best of it. At least in this position, he has the best view of Alexander. He will only be able to relax once he wakes up, fine, both of them, and them be alright.

  

Ragnor's gone to freshen up and check on the women, when Jace awakens. He's disorientated, his head hurts, well, actually, every inch of his body hurts, a lot.

“Alec?!” Magnus turned to him, being able to move a bit more again. “Jace, don't worry, he has yet to wake up, but you did, so he will, too. How are you feeling? Any lasting damage?” Magnus feels deep respect for the Shadowhunter, he won't ever forget this.

Jace relaxes visibly when he hears Magnus' voice and then manages to turn enough to see the warlock, draped over an armchair as if from a magazine. Only Magnus.

“So, we did it?” A smile twitches at the corners of the blond's mouth and grows bigger.

“Yes, we did, you were quite impressive.” Magnus smiles back softly, gladly giving him that praise, he earned it.

“Good, damn, I really didn't think I could hold on, you really could have explained better what taking on double the burden meant, and then Alec... what did he even do? He must have felt something was up, but I couldn't stop him.” He remembers the raw panic he had felt in that moment.

Magnus presses his lips together fleetingly. “He could have killed himself but luckily the spell had accepted him in that moment, otherwise... but we really shouldn't dwell on that. We got amazingly lucky, seeing that we could all be dead instead.” Magnus tries to make light of it and Jace nods earnestly.

“Yeah, though I'd rather be dead with everyone than having lost Alec.” Magnus completely shares this sentiment.

 

Alec wakes gently and subtly for once, which is certainly a new experience for him. He doesn't know this place, but he hears familiar voices. Jace... and Magnus. So they're OK! His relief is short-lived when he can make sense of their conversation. Something he hadn't been able to give a name before had been irking him since the two had had that talk about them sharing the mark. He hadn't known what that discomforting sensation was, but hearing them just now, it falls into place. He doesn't feel happy.

“Well, well, well, I see the three of you are amongst the living again, congratulations!” As Ragnor walks down the stairs, he notices Jace and Alec having their eyes open again, and as Magnus isn't livid in any way, they must be alright.

_Three?_  Jace and Magnus move despite their weakened bodies to take a look at Alec who they hadn't noticed waking up at all. Alec feels caught but he simply moves his head a little towards them, making it seem that he  _just_  came to.

“How are you feeling?” Jace sits down beside him, placing his hand on Alec's arm, seeking contact with his Parabatai to assure himself that he's okay. Magnus feels a pang of jealousy, but it's not directed at Jace, just at the fact that he can't just pull the dark-haired man into his arms and snog the shit out of him!

Alec shrugs a tiny bit, not meeting the blond's eyes, glad he has some feeling in his limbs, and he's almost used to his useless body by now. “Alright, how is everyone?” Clary, Isabelle? They aren't here...

“The girls are cooking, haven't you noticed this rather delicious smell, yet? In fact, I better go check.” Ragnor leaves to the kitchen and a moment later, Clary and Isabelle come rushing out, Clary throwing herself at Jace and Isabelle, more gently, bends down to hug and kiss her brother's face. They're beyond happy to see them both awake again. Magnus will be lenient and oversee their outrageous disregard of his person.

“Okay, okay, I'm not unbreakable!” Jace teases Clary slightly as her grip on him increases even more. She just gives him a  _no shit_  look. “You sure wanted us to believe you are, I was so worried about you out there.” He shakes his head, smiling, reassuring her with a kiss.

Magnus has to look away, needing distraction and as he can walk again and his stomach's growling, they better get some food. “Didn't anyone mention food? I trust you didn't let Isabelle do the cooking?” Clary tries to suppress a grin and Isabelle rolls her eyes halfheartedly. “It's more than edible, I promise.” Clary remarks and takes Jace's hand to lead him to the kitchen, carefully so he can keep up.

“Can you get up?” Izzy has this special, worried look in her dark eyes that seems to be reserved for him, and Alec doesn't know why, but he feels... annoyed. He swallows it down and nods, forcing her away as he moves into a sitting position, his feet eventually touching the floor. He's gauging whether to attempt standing. And he really wishes the remaining two people wouldn't keep staring at him!

“Just give me a minute, I'll be right there.” His eyes stay firmly on the cream carpet as he awaits tensely whether they'll take his hint.

Isabelle and Magnus share a confused look but decide quietly to leave him be. All he's been through... he may just want a moment to himself. “Sure, big bro, just don't wait too long or Jace will have eaten all of it.” She smiles softly but he still won't look up and then she and Magnus leave to the dining-room.

Alec exhales slowly, closing his eyes and rubbing his stubbly face firmly. He needs to get a grip. But he feels so... weird, so wrong in a way he hasn't felt before and he really just wants to be somewhere alone, to sort himself out, and take a shower. He really just wants a shower. Well, food sounds tempting as well, but  _they're all_  there. Damnit, and now he feels guilty for thinking that! What the hell is wrong with him?  _Just go and eat and be... not weirder than usually._

Finding this resolve he gets up cautiously, swaying a little at first but is able to balance himself out. And then he takes careful steps along the wall and doors, but he arrives at the dining-room without any mishaps and sits down on the closest chair, Isabelle immediately placing a full plate in front of him. He meets her warm eyes tentatively and manages a little smile. The food does look delicious and he truly hasn't eaten properly in way too long!

Jace eats four plates and Alec's kind of impressed, his own stomach telling him after only the second that he should take it slow. He listens, feeling much better stuffed now. But his skin and hair everywhere is itching like crazy and nothing and no one will hinder him from finding a shower right now.

As he makes to stand all eyes are on him immediately. Gosh, these people! He's not a fragile tiny kitten! “What's wrong, where are you going?” He really has to control himself not to roll his eyes and give some sarcastic comment that's suddenly just waiting on his tongue. “The bathroom, I need a shower.”

“Oh hell, yeah, me too! I'll help you!” Jace is eager, already up from his chair, apparently having regained a lot more strength in the time than Alec. Figures.

“I'm really fine, I can do it on my own.” And he damn wishes his legs would finally stop wobbling. He took like two steps when Jace is taking a hold of his arm and Alec just reacts, pulling his arm, his whole body away forcefully. The blond is clearly taken aback at this, maybe even hurt, but Alec really can't let himself care right now.

“I told you I can do it myself, stop babying me!” His hazel eyes are glowing furiously and to make sure the others get it as well, he turns to them. “All of you, just stop pushing and forcing your help on me, I'll let you know  _if_  I need it!”

Satisfied when no one says a word to argue, he leaves as fast as he can manage. Now, he just needs to actually find the damn bathroom... but he won't ask! He can do this, damn it! He doesn't want to feel like this pathetic loser everyone's pitying and having to protect all the damn time! He can take a bloody shower on his own!

No one had expected  _that_. They honestly don't understand what has come over Alec to react so strongly. Magnus and Isabelle had obviously witnessed the start of it earlier in the living-room, but that anger just now seems to stem from a deeper root they have no clue about. As much as they, especially Jace, Isabelle and Magnus, hate to, they will give him some space and hope to find out what's going on later.

Alec does find a bathroom, after he somehow managed to overcome the obstacle of the stairs, and a really posh one at that, and to his absolute delight, there's a bathtub! No falling in the shower guaranteed then! Finally something is going his way. The voice that keeps reprimanding him about his behavior in the back of his mind is easily shut up at the prospect of a hot bath. Right at this moment, he is sure that nothing grander exists!

He finds all kinds of bathing oils, shower gels, different shampoos, creams and body lotions and sponges. This safe house can keep up with any luxury hotel. And, the best thing after the bathtub, is finding not one, but  _two_  razors in a drawer. He genuinely feels excited at that, having looked at himself in the huge mirror and very much disliking what he saw. Not just the beard, but also the dark bags under his eyes and thin cheeks. He looks like an unlucky pirate. He definitely has lost some weight as he already noticed while observing his face, but seeing his naked body makes it a fact.

Oh well, he just ate properly and it's not the worst of his worries, but he  _really_  doesn't want to think about any of that now. When he sinks into the hot, deliciously scented water, he wants to stop time and stay like this forever.

He stays in it for a whole hour, scrubbing every inch of his skin from so much dirt and washing his hair three times. When he's positively clean and his wet skin is threatening to dissolve, he finally gets out of the tub, grabbing one of several white bathrobes that are hanging next to it, and letting the soft fabric engulf him.  _This is heavenly._

He finally shaves and dries his hair, cutting away some long strands that have been getting on his nerves for a while now. He even styles it a little, thinking about the way he looked when he first saw himself in a mirror, well, the first time he can remember. He's still not handsome, but at least he looks more decent again. And then he finds unused toothbrushes and paste and he could honestly hear himself squee inwardly for a second. Amazing what being clean can do to him.

After brushing his teeth enthusiastically for a few minutes, all he needs to find now are clean clothes. Maybe he should have thought of that earlier, but never mind. The girls were wearing different stuff, so there must be clothes around. He almost laughs out loud when, by the door, he spots several pairs of  _fluffy slippers_. What  _is_ this? Maybe he's dreaming... maybe he went insane after all that hell and now he's in lala land... he wouldn't even mind!

With a grin he slips his naked feet into a big enough pair and leaves the bathroom. He looked into a couple of bedrooms earlier, and they had closets, so finding clothes shouldn't be a difficult task.

The hot water, and him being able to truly relax properly seem to have worked wonders for his body. He doesn't even have to support himself on the wall anymore.

As he turns to the first bedroom door, it's suddenly pulled open and a rather startled Asian man is facing him, all dressed up in black and blue, and made up, glowing from within, and Alec's heart vaults, his breath hitching in his throat.

Magnus' eyes grow huge, his mouth almost agape.  _Alexander.._. he looks a little haggard, a little thin and worn from that never-ending ordeal he has been facing, but so much more he looks ferally, breathtakingly  _beautiful_ and Magnus loses all coherent thoughts. And he's  _only_ wearing a  _bathrobe_. That man will be the death of him. One he will happily, eagerly endure,  _every time._

Their eyes can't seem to let go off each other again, their heartbeats so loud they're sure the other must hear. Alec has no idea what's happening to him, there seems to be nothing and no one else, just him and Magnus, looking so enthralling, making him feel so astonished and breathless.

He just  _feels_  so much he's unable to give a name to, except that sudden blow in his head,  _pain_  in his mind that makes him feel slightly nauseous. It vanishes as promptly as it came but it leaves an awkward feeling within him and it's enough to sober him up. His eyes flicker uncontrollably and he needs to go.

“I, um, I need clothes.” He sees a complete lack of understanding on the warlock's face as his eyes fleetingly glance over him once more, but he can't stay here and pushes past Magnus, quickly closing the door from the inside and locking it.  _What the hell was all that?!_

 


	10. I'm Not Worth It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is dedicated to my awesome Parabeta AlyxHavok! 
> 
> As ever, thank you and I hope you'll keep enjoying (and suffering through) it with me! :-)

Magnus can only gape at the closed door. He usually thinks of himself as smart and clever but he doesn't have  _any_  idea what just happened.

For that one moment in time everything felt so perfect, just like before... when he knew Alexander felt the same way he did, when it was ever present in his wonderful eyes, showering Magnus with so much affection, adoration and love... he could  _see_  it in Alexander's eyes, mere seconds ago! But then...  _what_ happened?! How much more is he supposed to take?!

But... he can't let this self-pity and frustration overpower him, no matter how much he wants to just give in!

Whatever's happening to his Alexander, that's what he needs to focus on and find out! So that this one dream-like moment will soon become reality again. And now, as much as he wants to tear down this door, he needs to leave and gather his wits. He cannot get the sight of Alexander in that bathrobe out of his head, however, and maybe he doesn't even try.

Alec sinks down on the king-sized bed and stares at the floor for a while.  _Why_ as soon as he thinks he's got some control over himself back, do these batshit crazy things happen?! All that hard-earned relaxation has gone to shit and he feels sore and weary and so sick of feeling tired and confused. He doesn't want to go on like this, he just...

He takes a deep breath, slaps his cheeks and forces himself to get off the bed to look for fitting clothes. The closet is actually a walk-in one when he opens the big doors and he has never seen so many different clothes in so many different shapes and colors... all of this is maddening, but what else can he do but accept it?

He finds black jeans, silky grey boxer shorts and a maroon button up shirt, and it takes him a while to find these  _normal_  clothes among all the extravagant fashion items. Thankfully there are quite a few pairs of plain old black socks. And then his eyes fall on a pair of dark brown boots and they're very much to his liking, and just his size. How lucky.

Now that he's dressed, he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to stay here, he doesn't want to face the others again... particularly not a certain warlock, especially not alone... but even less does he want to be tempted to go to sleep on this very inviting bed. Nope, no more sleep for him!

He sighs deeply, strokes along the buttons of his shirt once and kicks himself into action, leaving the room to check downstairs.

Everyone's showered and dressed in fresh clothes now, and they're all lounging in the large living-room. There are fruits, sweets and drinks on the table. Magnus has indeed found the cellar and brought only the finest bottles upstairs with him. And then he convinced everyone to have a drink, because they fucking deserve to indulge themselves after the last few days, certainly after earlier today. And it's something to do while they're clearly all troubled by Alec's outburst and general state of mind.

The second he appears on top of the stairs, three heads turn and two others are already looking at him.  _Why do they do this?!_  He feels an awkward prickling sensation inside him and already like he doesn't want to be here with them. But he'll just have to now, he doesn't know a better alternative. Well, he could  _leave._ The house? Really? And where would he go? His mind's really fucking with him, it's all annoying him greatly but he has himself under control, he'll stay calm.

He ignores the stares and smiles directed at him and sits down in the empty armchair, inwardly cursing the chair for being situated so everyone can keep damn looking at him.  _Calm, Alec!_

“Drink?” Magnus is sitting in the other armchair, next to him. He should have noticed that before and sat somewhere else, damn him. But no matter.  _Just don't think!_  The warlock is still holding out a glass with brownish liquid inside and they all seem to have one. Does he really want to be the odd one out again? Well, why should he care?

These stupid arguments he keeps having with himself are really frustrating him. He grabs the glass more harshly than he meant to, ignoring how Magnus' expression changes from friendly to somber and sniffs the drink. It's strong and he's really not sure whether he wants to taste it.

“It's Sherry. You like it, well, once before you did.” Magnus swallows, cussing inwardly for having reminded himself. What Alexander had truly liked about it was licking it off of his body... he just  _had_ to go _there._ The smile he tries to keep up is grimly strained.

Alec doesn't look up but looks very suspiciously at the drink now. Well, trying it won't kill him. He takes a sip and his face contorts into a grimace. He puts the glass down and wipes his mouth. “Well, I don't like it now.”

Magnus could cry at the familiarity of that scene. It all feels like another lifetime ago. And he knows a thing or two about time, but he's never felt any of this.

“Well, there's more, feel free to try whatever you like.” Magnus says as a peace offering. Alec actually looks up at him, his expression gloomy. “No, thanks.” His voice is almost dripping with sarcasm and Magnus has to really pull himself together to stay calm and collected and not feel  _hurt._

“C'mon buddy, there's no reason to be rude, let's just enjoy ourselves for a while, we've earned it after our little adventure.” Jace smiles at his brother, trying to brighten his mood and letting him know they're not his enemies, maybe they overdid it a little, but he can't really blame them, he's just... in a bad place, but they're all here to get him out of it. And he'll realize that again soon.

Alec's expression doesn't waver as he regards the blond Shadowhunter. And anger is rising, flaring up. _Little adventure?_   _Really?_  “And wouldn't you know.”

Alec's really testing him now and unfortunately Jace has a rather bad temper himself, especially after all of this insanity they've been through lately, and with Alec being so much like his old self at times but also weird and he really can't tell why his brother is so hostile towards them all of a sudden, but he's about to find out!

“And what's that supposed to mean, Alec? Don't keep it inside, please, just tell us what we did to piss you off so much!

“Guys, just keep calm, we're all friends here, all on the same side!” Isabelle chimes in, feeling very worried and confused about her brother's behavior and wanting to prevent a fight between her brothers.

Alec smirks, but not because he feels amused. “And which side would that be? Their lying one or mine being the one lied to?”

Everyone's faces drop, Jace and Magnus sharing a meaningful glance.

“So? Who else knew about Magnus' and Jace's little untruth? You really had me convinced, I gotta give you that. But then, I guess your life really isn't worth much, is it?” Alec sounds cold but calm even though inwardly he is raging and that sensible inner voice is telling him to shut up and not do this, but it's too quiet for him to properly register.

“What are you talking about, Alec?” Clary inquires, looking from Magnus to Jace to Alec, waiting for an answer.

“Look, I don't know what you think you heard, but-” Jace is trying to find a way to solve this without making them all more miserable, but Alec's having none of it. He's standing now, eyes filled with anger, hurt and despair and he can't hold anything back anymore.

“I don't  _think_  I heard anything. I did! You and Magnus were right here, saying how close we were all to death because of  _me_ , because you lied to me and didn't tell me that you had to take twice the burden, that the spell would weaken you twice as much, because of  _me!_  And you were so eager to do it and die and even risk letting everyone else die, just so  _I_ could  _maybe_ live? And who the fuck asked you to make that decision for me?! Did it even occur to you that it wasn't ok to go behind my back with something so crucial?! Did it occur to you that maybe I'd prefer to be dead than be...  _like this?!_ I don't even know who I am or who you people really are and you're all over me all the time, not giving me any room to  _breathe_  and throwing your damn lives away  _for me_?!  _What the fuck is wrong with you?!_ ”

His anger suddenly turned into weeping despair and he's so close to tears he's shocked and frightened and all he can do is flee even though his limbs are screaming for him to stop. He ignores the pain, what's a little more anyway? He's existing of so much fucking pain, he doesn't think there's anything else left now. Never will be.

He stumbles into the first room he reaches, throws the door shut, locks it and sinks onto the floor, curling up, making himself as small as he can, his throat raw, his insides churning, ripping, and tears streaming down his face. But he won't let himself make a sound.

* * *

 

They were all distraught, even Ragnor felt the heaviness of it all. They had all wanted to run right after Alec, but the forcefulness of his words had them paralyzed.

 

Isabelle and Clary felt upset learning about what Magnus and Jace had really been doing without their knowledge, but in the end they understood. Alec had been right with one thing. They were  _all_ willing to sacrifice themselves for him, for each other, because their bonds were never stronger, their friendship and love never more present or more important than now. And it pained them to no end to learn that they were contributing so heavily to Alec's hardship.

“You have to talk to him.” They had sat in thick, oppressive silence for a long time, each one of them lost in their own wretched world, when suddenly Isabelle turns to Magnus and speaks up.

It takes him a moment to realize she means him. “Why me?” He's very sure that he's the last person Alec would want to see right now. And he's almost numb with the sordidness inside of him, hearing Alexander's words, spoken with such intense woe, like a broken record in his mind, etching themselves into his already fractured soul.

“Because, whenever he was like this, you were the one to get him out of it! Because your bond is stronger than even Jace's! Because you're the one he loves the most!” She's desperate now, needing Magnus to understand, and act!

However, what Magnus does, is rather the opposite. He's laughing without any humor, letting some of the guttural pain out he's been hiding, for once. “Oh, Izzy, you have no idea... he doesn't love me, not consciously and as long as he doesn't remember that he does, I'm powerless! I already tried everything and I hurt him! I hurt him and I keep hurting him and I'm the very last person that should go anywhere near him!”

She tries to persuade him for a while longer but the wall he's built around himself again is too impenetrable and she can't but give up, for now. “Well, I can't just leave him alone with all this! He needs us more than ever, whether he knows it or not! And shame on you, Magnus Bane! He would never abandon you this way, especially not in a situation like this!” Her Latina temperament is showing like hardly ever before and she's glaring at the warlock fervently before she stalks upstairs to find her brother.

 

The first door she tries is locked, lucky her. “Alec? Please let me in, or let me know you're okay?” She holds her breath but gets no answer, there's not a single sound.

“Please, just... talk to me... or don't, whatever you want. I'm just... right here in case you want me, alright?” She sinks down against the door and stays on the floor, hoping with all she has that he will be OK.

He has been holding his breath since he heard her footsteps and now that it's quiet again and his lungs are protesting, forcing his mouth open, he exhales achingly. All he really wants is for someone to hold him and make everything OK again. But he's not a child and he doesn't know if anyone ever did that for him, though, he guesses, if, then it would have been his sister. He can't deny that she loves him, even though he can't remember, she has been showing him every minute he's been in her presence, just how much she does. Right this instant he feels like the worst scum, and just  _so_  guilty. He let her die! Not for real, but it feels almost as bad as if it were true. He can't shake that dream.  _It's all too much!_

He forces his body up again so he can unlock the door and pushes the handle down, and before he can say a word she's there, pulling him so tight he feels crushed and saved at the same time and he can't fight the sobs that come bawling out of him any longer.

Time is ticking by uncaringly but Isabelle keeps her beloved brother in the tightest embrace she has, murmuring soothingly, wishing she could take all of his pain, all that he's suffered, just so she could see him smile again, so he could be happy again.

Isn't it odd how sometimes there are so many tears it's improbable that they'll ever stop coming and other times there's nothing but an endless desert. Alec doesn't think his tears will ever subside again, but eventually, they do. He keeps clinging to his sister's body because she seems to be the only part of himself he trusts right now to somehow get him through this. She's the only person he understands his own feelings towards. His sister, it's simple, isn't it? And Jace is his brother... but also his Parabatai and the immensity of that is still incomprehensible to him, even after, or  _especially_  after witnessing what Jace is willing to do... he can't fathom it and he doesn't want it to be true, because it's tearing his soul apart. And Magnus... whatever he felt the times they were having these strange moments, he understands that the least. He doesn't feel strong enough in the slightest to figure it all out without getting smothered. And then there's that other problem with his mind and those horrible nightmares... He only notices he's crying again when he feels his sister's hand wiping his cheek gently.

“I'm just not...” He whispers in anguish. “Please, don't risk your lives again for me, I'm just not worth it. Please,  _please_.” He hides his face in her shoulder, more sobs shaking his body.

Isabelle is shocked frozen, and when she looks up slightly she meets Magnus' eyes that are reflecting the exact same emotions she's feeling alarmingly vigorously. How are they ever going to mend him again?

 

Alec's quietly lying in her arms now. His body stopped shaking and she can hear his faint breathing. Magnus is gone again, but she can't ponder about him now, they'll have to talk later. A few of her limbs have fallen asleep and she can't see how it's not the same for her brother. They should move. “Alec, love? Let's move onto the bed, it's more comfortable.” She's carefully pulling back a little to get a look at his face but she stops abruptly when Alec's fingers suddenly dig so deeply into her arm, they'll leave bruises. Not that she cares about that.

“Alec? What is it?” She's scared now, trying to stay composed.

“I... I don't... I can't... don't let me fall asleep.” Out of everything it's what he fears the most.

The terror in his feeble voice is too much for her to bear. But she'll just have to. She manages to loosen his grip on her gently and wraps her arms around him again, stroking his hair. “Shhh, it's okay, I'm here and I won't leave you again, I promise.” She doesn't know how to promise that he won't fall asleep... even with renewing his stamina rune, it will happen at some point... maybe Magnus or Ragnor could help out with some kind of magic? But she doesn't know and she can't think that even that would work for a long time. As ever she feels helpless.

Alec knows she, or anyone else, can't really prevent it forever, but he'll have to hold out as long as he can. But she's right, he can't stay in this position on the floor for much longer, most of his muscles are groaning with the strain.

Isabelle helps him lie down and though he wants to curl up again, he keeps lying on his back, stretched out legs and folded arms over his chest. It feels safer, less comfortable than on his side, or curled up, which might be his favorite sleeping position. He doesn't even know that.

He feels her body next to his again, an arm around him, her head against his shoulder. He feels grateful for having her here, guilty for being this shell of a brother she adores so much, terrified about all the rest. And just so  _violated._  He thinks he'd rather lose all of his limbs than having no control over his own mind. It's a horribly vulnerable and abusive sensation, the most intimate intrusion into his being, leaving him completely at the intruder's mercy. But mercy he seems to get none.

They stay like that for a long while, a false perception of peacefulness layering the atmosphere. And Alec is so heavy all around and about to drop... when a sensation of falling hits him suddenly, and his whole body constricts forcefully, fighting the dreaded sense of terror that usually follows which it remembers. His eyes snap open and as he cries out, his upper body leaps into a sitting position, startling Isabelle tremendously. He's shaking all over, panting heavily.

“Alec, what-” “I can't stay here, I can't fall asleep, I need... to do something, anything other than lie down, please!” She thought she'd seen outright despair before in her brother's eyes, but this trumps even that. She just nods, hugs him and then takes his hand to lead him downstairs. They'll need help from the others.

* * *

 

When Magnus reappeared, Jace and Clary had immediately inquired about Alec's condition but the warlock hadn't even bothered to wave them off, he simply disappeared into the cellar, only to come back with a bottle which held contents that looked positively toxic, and then he positioned himself staring out of a window and did nothing but drink from aforementioned bottle. The other three let him be.

Shame is crushing Alec as soon as the others come into view. He keeps his head low, his eyes lower, and let’s himself be pulled along by his sister, though he feels like he should just vanish in some bottomless hole and never return. All their lives would be  _so_  much easier and happier without him. He bites his cheek until he tastes blood because he can't let these thoughts, no matter if true or not, control him right now.

“Alright, guys and girl, it's time to stop being lazy and get some action going, we need some proper distraction from this boredom,  _anything_  you can come up with!”

Four startled faces are staring at her, at Alec, looking so... forlorn, fragile and out of place. And Izzy is pleading, begging them so hard with her eyes... they don't know what happened but it must be bad and this is obviously what's needed of them, so they better comply quickly! Thankfully Clary is usually very resourceful in these matters and she pipes up almost immediately. “I know, let's play some travel games! Like I Spy, The Alphabet Game, 20 Questions, c'mon it'll be fun, I've played these games and tons more with Simon before, and they’re the best distraction!”

Isabelle is out of words, grateful to her friend, and she tries to ignore the painful throb at the mention of her boyfriend. She knows he's safe at the moment, and other than that Alec is her top priority.

She makes her brother sit down on a couch with her, Clary and Jace occupying the other one while Ragnor and Magnus sit in the armchairs opposite of them. Clary explains the rules and they start playing, pretending that they're all on a vacation together in a great country house, having the time of their lives. At least they're doing their best to try. And they completely ignore Alec. Not really, but they want him to feel better, comfortable again. And being reminded of how much he hates attention right now, they simply don't give him any. Except Isabelle pushing some snacks and drinks his way, should he want any. Even Magnus manages, under great duress from himself, to keep his eyes away from the dark-haired man.

At first he had felt ridiculously embarrassed about what his sister was doing for him,  _making_  the others do,  _for him_. He really just wanted to tell them to forget about him altogether and forever and run away. But he hadn't let himself, instead sat down, listened to them play this strange game, and, to his utmost surprise had started to relax at some point. Isabelle, facing away from him, had smiled broadly at the others once she'd noticed and made sure they understood to keep going.

A couple of hours had passed, at some point Alec had felt secure enough to try a couple of drinks, but he really wasn't sure about them and stuck to red berry juice instead, and eating some crisps and chocolate. He's been quite fascinated by a game they had started about 30 minutes ago. They had to come up with an animal and the next person had to find another animal starting with the last letter of the previous one's name. Clary's last one is 'Hyena' and Jace is struggling to find one with an A, which isn't usually a problem, but unlucky for him, there had been a lot of As in use already and they can't repeat any. Oh, and they each only get 10 seconds to find one!

“Axolotl.” Alec's voice is so soft that he doesn't register himself that he said it out loud, but the others heard him, all glancing at him now. He doesn't even realize it at first, until his mind suddenly lets him wonder why it's so quiet.

He looks up, blinks in surprise and then blushes heavily. What did he... oh, he must have. He wets his lips, his eyes nervously flicking about. “Uh, it's an animal,  _Ambystoma mexicanum,_  a Mexican walking fish.” Why did he have to say anything?

Everyone's smiling at him wondrously now and he rubs his hands together. “How the hell do you know something like that?” Jace can't help himself, he's grinning, wanting to be just the way he would be with his best friend and brother normally. Just a little.

Alec shrugs but he doesn't feel too bad right now. “I guess I like animals, and apparently I read a lot?” He glances over at his sister who's happily nodding, feeling such relief...

“Well, animals are awesome, no question.” Clary chimes in, sending him an acknowledging smile. He somehow can't help it and his lips reciprocate one, very softly, but everyone's feeling it so strongly.

Alec averts his eyes again, knowing he should say something else. He rubs his fingers harder together as he's fumbling for words.

“I'm sorry... for freaking out on you all, I shouldn't have, like that.” Even now he can't say that he regrets what he said or even feels it's less true, because that simply isn't the case... but he could have definitely done it very differently.

“I'm really sorry, too, Alec. I didn't mean to hurt you. You once told me that when someone or something pushes us off our path we need to focus and find our way back. Admittedly the situation back then was... completely different and has absolutely nothing to do with the here and now, but the point is... we're all here and we won't go anywhere until you're back on track and got your life back, and it would be quite nice if you didn't fight us every step of the way on it, but that's just friendly advice you can take or leave.” Jace hasn't stopped smiling, pulling a few faces for effect here and there, but he sounds so kind and so genuine, Alec doesn't know anymore how he should doubt him, or anyone else as he hesitantly glimpses in all of their faces, mirroring the truth of Jace's words. He swallows and glances down. “I'll try my best not to.”

He feels Isabelle's hand on his and turns his to entangle their fingers, squeezing hers, gifting her with a tiny smile. Some weight has been lifted from all of them.

They continued to play the animal game because Alec wanted to participate and he himself, just as everyone else were really impressed with his knowledge of exotic animal names and whenever he wasn't sure what they were exactly or where they lived, Magnus and Ragnor knew a thing or two about it.

It is close to 4 am when Alec goes to the bathroom to pee and freshen up. When he comes back, Ragnor's head has fallen to the side and he is snoring slightly, Clary and Jace are leaning on each other, asleep, and Isabelle is close to dropping off herself, no longer able to fight the heaviness of her eyelids. It's been a couple of days since any of them had gotten any proper night's sleep after all, and Alec's so thankful they endured all this for him, wishing nothing more than lying down and closing his eyes himself, but he won't surrender, not yet.

“They should have gone to bed.” His voice is a whisper but Magnus hears him. “They all had too much fun to do that.” Alec startles a little, the warlock was so quiet he thought he was asleep as well. He meets Magnus' chocolate brown eyes for a moment then glances at the sleeping figures again, and moves to cover them all with a blanket.

“Aren't you tired?” Alec doesn't remember  _ever_ having seen Magnus sleep. The warlock just shrugs. He has no intention of leaving Alexander alone in his fight against unconsciousness. He has large capacities at his disposal should he need them, and obviously, for Alexander he would exhaust them to the very last drop. Also being unconscious for a few hours counts as rest in his books.

 “I should have before, but I want to apologise to you, too, Alexander.” Alec shakes his head softly, not wanting any more reminders of it. “Just don't do it again."

Magnus swallows and nods, quickly thinking of something else to distract them. “If you don't mind, I'd like to show you something, and these people here are rather bad company just now.” Magnus is prepared for rejection, he must be, and he won't feel hurt or take it personal, he has to be whoever and however Alexander needs him to. Having seen his beloved Shadowhunter reduced to ineffable grief, convinced of himself to be  _worthless_... that kind of sorrow in Magnus' heart is unescapable.

Alec glances at the warlock, at his sleeping friends, back at Magnus, remembering that moment earlier after his bath that's still confronting him with unsolvable questions. But no matter, what he can't understand or figure out, he can simply shove away for the time being.

“What is it?” He doesn't exactly feel... suspicious, but a little wary. Magnus smiles softly despite the situation being so unbearable. “You'll like it, I promise.” Alec watches Magnus' back while he walks away and taking a last glance around he makes to follow him, too curious not to.

Magnus found the rather small, but comprehensive, library during his several trips to the cellar. It's probably the smallest room in the house, but it's full of high shelves, filled with hundreds, probably closer to thousands, of books of all kinds. He holds the door open for Alexander to enter first and quickly follows, refusing to miss any tiny expression on the dark-haired man's wondrous face.

Alec isn't just surprised, he's gob smacked.  _SO_  many books! Amazing. He can't stop looking all around, trying to take it all in, feeling a yearning in his gut to read each single one of them, or even just their titles which would be a mission in and of itself.

Magnus is close to tears as he watches Alexander's reaction that is so much better than he could have imagined. His gaze falls onto the young man's neck and the rune that is showing clearly, only slightly concealed by the collar of his shirt. He is suddenly catapulted to another moment in time...

 

_Alec is reading in bed, waiting for Magnus to finish a phone call with a client in the living-room, the cats are both asleep on his legs. The book is captivating and it takes him a couple of minutes to notice he can't hear Magnus' soft voice anymore._

_As his eyes move to the door, they rest on his boyfriend's figure who's leaning in the doorway, watching him longingly. Alec puts the book down and waits, his heart beating a little faster, his skin tingling, his eyes unable to look anywhere else. Magnus does this to him every time he sees him._

_The older man is finally moving again, elegantly, cat-like, quickly losing his shoes and joining him in bed, Alec's head turning to his left to be able to keep watching him. Magnus smirks softly before he bends his head to the young man's neck and starts tracing the rune there with his tongue. Like he has done a few dozens of times before, like he will do hundreds more, and never tire of it. It's one of the sexiest sensations, for both of them._

_Alec reacts immediately, his whole body surging towards the hot wetness of Magnus' tongue and mouth, a blissful shudder spreading all over his skin, his mouth opening to free a sensual moan which drives Magnus half-insane already._

“ _Tell me, what does it mean?” Magnus' voice is but a feathery whisper, existing to torture and even more so pleasure Alec in the tenderest way._

“ _I've told you, many times.” Alec can just about find the strength to answer, before Magnus' lips part to let his teeth sink into the Shadowhunter’s very sensitive curve of his neck. Alec groans with the sensations and his legs twitch so much the cats are suddenly looking at him disturbed._

“ _Magnus...” “Shhh, they had you long enough, it's my turn now.” He shoos them out and they complain with a loud whine but run from the room anyway, used to being chased out after all._

_Magnus moves swiftly to sit on Alexander's lap, their lips barely touching, eyes watering at the close proximity. “Now, tell me, Alexander.” Magnus' fingers are now tracing the rune and Alec feels almost as aroused as from his lover's mouth._

_Endless more shudders are running all over his body, his insides, just everywhere. “Deflect or block.” He pushes out trying not to moan again. Magnus' eyes widen in delight and the little grin on his face is adorable, and so handsome. But Alec really doesn't know why he always wants him to say it..._

“ _Very good, I guess I should remember it this time, shouldn't I?” They both know he'll pretend that he won't. And when their mouths crash Alec doesn't give a shit anymore._

 

Magnus is suddenly back in the here and now, his heart racing, his body crawling and yearning with the residue of that too vivid memory. He has to steady himself, taking a deep breath, his eyes closed. He can't do that to himself, not now, not before Alec remembers! Though it is the sweetest, it is still _torture! Don't do this!_

“Magnus? Are you ok?”  _Shit!_  He quickly opens his eyes again and straightens himself up, trying to think of very bad, disgusting things instead, unable to properly meet Alexander's puzzled eyes.

“Yes, fine, so, I gather you do like this little surprise? Each book is an entrance into another world and he who reads much will have lived many lives.” Magnus rants a little while trying to get himself together again.

Alec is still a little disturbed by the warlock's strange demeanor but he shows a little smile now. “Yeah, I like it, thanks for brining me here. I wish I had time to read them all.” Well, maybe he has! He can't sleep while he reads!

“They're all yours to indulge yourself in while we're here.” Magnus feels a tiny bit happy having been able to contribute a spark of joy for Alec. And he wants to kiss him  _so very badly._  He should leave him to it. He really can't stay, he shouldn't-

“Magnus? Um, can I ask you something, well, that's a question in itself, but, uh, just... a... a favor, I guess.” Alec looks so flustered it makes Magnus forget that he had wanted to go and melts his insides. “Yes, anything.”  _Anything at all, for all time and forever, only for you._

Alec is stunned, impressed with himself that he actually dared to say something. But now, staring right into Magnus' eyes again, he freezes up. Magnus is trying to encourage him silently to go on but he can see the drawback in Alexander's eyes before he says anything. “Uh, sorry, it's not important.” He turns away, feeling like a complete idiot and failure. Magnus is hurting so much for him, but he can't push him now. He's had to have so much patience before with his Shadowhunter, he will have even more now, as much as it takes.

He smiles sadly. “Alright, but just know I'm here, for whatever you need. And now, why don't you choose a book, I'll be in the kitchen if you want me.” He has to pull himself away with force, and can't help looking back once more at his man before closing the door behind him.

Alec turns back just in time to see the door close. Damn, he didn't mean... shit! Why is he such a coward? Why couldn't he just say it? He rubs his face a little aggressively, runs his fingers through his hair a few times and tries to calm himself again, taking deep breaths. Next time... next time he will ask to see Magnus' real eyes again! He's not sure he's trusting himself, but there's no point worrying about it now. And then he turns again to all the books and tries to forget about everything else while he browses through them.

 


	11. Stick Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for a bit of graphic violence.

Alec can't quite believe he found a book with a cat as the protagonist. He just  _has_  to read it. And he's hooked by it.

Magnus doesn't hear a sound coming from the library anymore, and the times he checks up on Alexander, using his magic to look through the wall, the taller man is sitting in the reading armchair, immersed in a book. Magnus has to smile when he focuses in on the title. He should have thought of giving that one to him before.

It's almost 8 am when Alec finishes the book and places it on the small table next to the armchair. The book did a really good job at keeping him awake, though he kept feeling terrible about the cats needing to remind himself that it's just fiction. He's beyond tired now, feeling as if his body is already asleep. He mustn't... he pushes two of his fingers into his eyes and keeps them there for half a minute. Focus. Breathe, get off this chair. He groans with his muscles protesting all at once. Ignoring the protest, he leaves the library to go to the kitchen, feeling very thirsty.

Magnus gets off the chair immediately where he's been procrastinating, lost in his own unhappy world, scanning the young Shadowhunter thoroughly, his heart dropping into his knees. Alec looks beyond exhausted, barely able to stand on his feet. He wishes nothing more than to use his magic to give him some relief, but he knows it wouldn't be permanent, if it worked at all.

Alec gifts him with a small, sleep-deprived smile that rattles Magnus in more ways than he cares to analyze, and pours himself a glass of water which he downs in one go before he exhales and tries to shake the hazy feeling. He'll have to keep moving for a while, being still is no good when you're about to drop. He turns to Magnus, an idea forming. “Can I go outside? Or is that not possible now?” Though, would they have to stay in here literally forever? Couldn't be true...

Alexander sure is still fighting. And not sleepy enough yet to be incapable of using his brain. “Yes, you can, once you're allowed to enter you can come and go as you please, the house won't disappear for us again, but anyone else will only see the empty land we saw when we first got here.”

Alec rubs his forehead, trying to follow Magnus' words and nods in understanding. That is good, really good. His eyes drop suddenly and he flinches, forcing them open wide. “Alright, let's go for a morning walk, breathe in some cold air and stuff.” Walking, cold air, that has to do the trick of waking him up properly again!

Magnus watches him wistfully, wanting to take that burden from him so badly. He nods, forcing a small smile for the young man, at least he invited him along. “Let's do that.”

 

Everyone else is still asleep, merely having changed positions at some point, so Alec and Magnus get their jackets, a dark blue coat in Magnus' case, matching his blue silk shirt, and they start walking, the direction doesn't matter because it all looks the same.

“So, you found a good book?” Magnus wants to help in any way he can, if just by talking and keeping Alec's mind occupied.

The dark-haired man smiles a little at that. “Yeah, did you know some people write crime thrillers from a cat's point of view? I couldn't but imagine Church and Chairman in the book as two detectives.” His smile's a little sad. “I miss them.”

Magnus feels a little stab in his gut. “I'm sure they miss you, too.” Alec glances over at him. “You think?” The warlock nods quickly in affirmation. “Oh yes, you were always their favorite, right from the moment you came into m- I mean, from the moment you got them.” Shit, Magnus forgot that they told him the cats belonged to Isabelle and himself. He's holding his breath to see if Alec picks up on his slip up, but if he did, he's not saying anything.

They walk a few minutes in silence, then Magnus spots the mark. “We should head into another direction now.” Alec stops to mirror him and looks quizzical. “Oh, right, the spell ends here, so if we step outside of this mark, it's not safe for us anymore.” Chances are really slim that anything would happen, seeing that no one knows where they are, but better safe than sorry.

Alec frowns and tries to see what Magnus could be seeing so he knows what to look for, but, to his eyes, there's nothing. He has no reason to doubt the shorter man's words, though. “Okay, I guess, let's walk back.” They turn and walk back towards the van and the house, Alec suddenly feeling the wind strongly, freezing his bones. He wraps his arms around himself but he's shaking and his body feels heavier with every step. He could cry but he won't, no way! He forces his legs to go faster, desperate to keep moving and not giving his body or mind chance to catch him by surprise. He doesn't see the stone, though, stumbles and would have fallen quite spectacularly if Magnus hadn't reacted speedily and caught him.

Alec's eyes are big, directly staring into his and Magnus, having his arms around the Shadowhunter’s waist, having him so close so unexpectedly, is perplexed and speechless and breathless. Only when his eyes drop to Alec's lips is he able to pull himself together before he ruins everything. “Alexander, don't injure yourself.” He lets go of the younger man when he's sure he'll stay standing on his own two feet and pulls his clothes straight, not daring to look at him.

“Sorry.” Alec mumbles, feeling a little dazed, but weirdly not very tired anymore. He can still feel Magnus' arms around him, his scent lingering in his nose. And the way his eyes dropped downwards... he must have imagined it.

They continue in silence, the cold eventually catching up with the Shadowhunter again. “I guess it's a choice between freezing to death and being killed in my dreams.” The joke sounds terrible to his own ears. There's just no making light of this situation for him.

“Alexander, if I could do anything-” Alec stops and watches him. “Maybe you can? Isn't there some spell or potion or anything to prevent me from falling asleep again?” Magnus' jaw tightens painfully before he speaks, wanting nothing more than to promise him that.

“There are several, but in the long run it would harm you more than do good. Even if something would work, and we don't know that it will, the repercussions wouldn't be worth it. You would always have to recover from something so strenuous for your body and mind, and we wouldn't be able to wake you up, maybe not for days.”

Magnus knows he doesn't have to explain it further... Alec understands. He could be trapped in his nightmares for  _much_ longer should they interfere. The risk is way too high to take. He spots the resignation in his love's eyes immediately. “I'm so sorry.”

Alec shakes his head, it's not Magnus' fault. “It's alright, I'll just... maybe I should just get it over with, how much worse could it get than your sister dying, anyway?'

He walks on but Magnus stays back, confused and alert. He's sure that Alexander couldn't remember what he dreamt before... so how does he know? He quickly catches up with the Shadowhunter. “When did you remember that's what you dreamt?”

Alec frowns slightly, and shrugs. “I just knew after I woke, you know, we remember what we dream if we wake up shortly afterwards.”

Magnus puts his arm out to make the younger man stop. “Alexander, those aren't normal dreams, and you couldn't remember any other before that, could you?” Alec tenses up with the sudden realization. Of course! How did he not notice that? That nightmare was the first that was still all there when he woke up, even now, it's all very vivid, as if he'd just witnessed it.

“You're right, I don't know what I dreamt the other times, but I know that last one, every detail.”  _What does it mean?_

Magnus is asking himself the same question. Whatever's invading Alexander's mind seems to have changed. And maybe, just maybe, that will give them a chance to find out more...

“Can you tell me about it? It might help to give us a clue who's behind it.” He detects the sorrow the thought of having to relive it brings Alec. But to Magnus' surprise, though he shouldn't be because his Alexander has never been anything but brave and enduring, facing his numerous challenges head on, he nods. “But inside, it's really too cold out here.”

“Of course.”

* * *

 

Isabelle woke up first, her ingrained impulse to look for her older brother. Not finding him would have worried her to no end, if Magnus hadn't been gone as well. In case he wasn't with Alec, she would personally strangle him.

When the two men enter the living-room, Jace and Clary are just waking up, yawning and stretching, immediately more alarmed when they spot them. “Hey, have you been out? Something wrong?” Alec shakes his head at his brother. “No, we just went for a walk, but it's really cold.” Jace can suddenly feel Alec's exhaustion and then he also sees it in Alec's body language, his eyes. He can't have gotten any rest at all and the blond feels immediately guilty for falling asleep.

“There you are, I was starting to wonder what you were up to.” Isabelle emerges with two water bottles and six glasses on a tray that she places onto the table, her eyes falling on Ragnor, who is still draped over the armchair, snoring. “Don't mind him, he can sleep through earthquakes and hurricanes.” Magnus retorts. She smiles slightly but when she meets her brother's distressed eyes she feels the full impact of his plight again, knocking the breath out of her for a moment.

Alec can tell how the mood changes immediately and that he's the reason, of course, and he really just wants to be alone with Magnus again, well, he doesn't, but he has to, to tell him about that awful dream and then he will have to go to sleep... because he can feel himself surrendering already.

“Look, guys, there's no need to worry, okay, just relax and have some breakfast, Magnus and I have to sort something.”

He gestures the shorter man to follow him, but he may not remember how hard it is to keep his siblings out of his business.

“Wait, what do you mean? Sort out what? Did you come up with a plan? Tell us.” Jace. Isabelle nodding in agreement.

Alec sighs and shares a quick glance with the warlock. “Not really, we just... I remember my last dream, so I'm going to tell Magnus and maybe he can find something that can hint at what or who's behind this, that's all.” He's keeping his voice completely neutral, not wanting to make a big deal out of this, however, judging from the expressions on his siblings' faces...

“That's great! I mean, that's progress, right? Tell us, too! Maybe we can find out something as well!” Alec is stunned at Jace's enthusiasm. Maybe it is...  _great_ , which he absolutely doesn't feel, but he's not going to tell them all! “No, just Magnus.”

“But we can help, too, Magnus doesn't know everything.” That came out worse than Jace had intended to and he winces, the warlock giving him a dark look. “You know what I mean.” Jace is apologetic enough and Magnus really has other matters to attend to.

Alec's exhaustion, frustration, trepidation and anxiety about having to tell anyone at all about his nightmare get the best of him and he bursts. “For fuck's sake, why are you so keen on hearing about me seeing my own sister being torn to shreds?!”

Obviously he realizes what he just did, even as he yells it, but as ever it's too late now. He sighs with the disappointment and anger but knows it's senseless. And now they know the worst already... fuck this! “Fine, if you have to know, stay and listen, I don't care!” He doesn't look at anyone, not wanting to see whatever their faces are showing right now, he has an inkling anyway. He sits down in the second armchair, folds his hands together tightly and seeks out one spot that he won't look away from again and waits until everyone sits.

“It started like a normal dream, a normal nightmare with weird images and such... it's not really that clear anymore, so I guess it wasn't part of it... and then everything was just darkness and I couldn't feel or hear or see anything anymore, and then I was falling...”

Alec recounts everything he saw, felt, and heard, wanting to, but not leaving out finding Clary's corpse and, obviously the worst being those demons killing his sister right in front of him. “They were looking at me, like... they were  _waiting_  for me to get there, so they could... do it in front of me.”

The room is eerily silent and Alec feels even more tense than before. “So, any ideas?” He still can't look up to meet anyone's eyes, especially not his sister's. Not getting any answer is making him so antsy he almost leaps off the armchair. “Well, then, I'll go prepare for the next one, maybe it will be more helpful.” He doesn't mean to sound so  _bitter_  but he just can't help it and he's not blaming anyone, he just wishes it wasn't all so futile and horrifying.

He picks the bedroom from earlier and shrugs out of his jacket, throws it onto a chair and sits on the bed to open the boots. He looks up when someone's knocking. “Come in!” It's Isabelle, and Jace, and Magnus, and Clary. He blinks surprised and stops what he's doing. “Look, Alec, we know we can't prevent this or help you while you're trapped in it, but we won't leave you alone, and we'll be right here until you wake up.” Isabelle's stepping closer cautiously, waiting for his reaction.

Alec feels really strange, but also deeply touched. Damn these people! But a smile is tugging on his lips. “Thank you.” He does feel a little better knowing he won't be lonely and that someone will be there when it's over... he just needs to focus on that. It  _will_  be  _over_  at some point. He removes his boots and watches the others settle in the room, Clary and Jace sitting down on the floor, leaning against the wall while Magnus seems to be rather undecided but eventually sits down on the chair by the window, after taking Alec's jacket off it and placing it over the back of it.

He can't deny it feels weird to have so many people here while he's going to try and sleep, but somehow it also gives him a sense of security. And he really does trust them all, he thinks. He slips under the covers, but quickly notices that the jeans and shirt he's still wearing aren't going to do him any favors, so he undresses them, making sure he stays concealed. Well, he does feel more comfortable now and pulls the cover up to just under his chin, suddenly feeling movement on the bed next to him. “I'll be right here, okay?” Izzy. She molds into his body and he feels calmer immediately. “Okay.” He says softly, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

“D'you want the light off and the blinds down?” Jace. Alec's eyes open again and he shakes his head. “No, leave it.” It won't matter, but maybe, just maybe his mind will remember while being terrorized, that he's in this room with four people he trusts, with lots of light and that whatever is happening,  _isn't_ real. Maybe.

He turns on his side, Izzy at his back putting an arm around him and finding his hand to hold. He drifts off feeling rather hopeful.

Alec seems to just sleep peacefully for a couple of hours, Clary even goes to get them some food at one point but even while eating they're always watching him, Magnus' eyes are glued to Alec's face, not wanting to miss any change and Jace is fully focused on his rune, their bond, feeling for any sensation that would tell him something is happening to his brother.

He's been still for almost three hours when Jace suddenly starts to sweat and a few moments later cries out in pain, holding his stomach, toppling over on the floor. Clary's immediately next to him, trying to find out what's happening.

Magnus had been distracted by Jace's outburst but he jumps off the chair now and watches Alexander's face again closely, noticing the sweat pearls on his forehead, his eyes flitting crazily under his closed lids, his body starting to convulse. It's happening... and all they can do is hope it will be over fast! Isabelle is trying her best to be brave, squeezing her brother's hand tightly, feeling even more scared while also watching how badly Jace is impacted by their bond, being Alec right now has to be atrocious.

They watch for almost an hour, Alec showing more and more signs of agony until it's finally over and he wakes up, crying, drenched, disorientated and absolutely horrified. Isabelle is holding him tightly, trying to comfort him. Clary is meanwhile doing the same to Jace who isn't in as bad a state as his Parabatai but definitely affected more than before. It seems to get worse every time.

This time, Alec manages to calm down a little faster than the times before. He's more aware of what's real and having Isabelle and Magnus right there with him, definitely helps. What he has no control over is the trembling and his hands running frantically over his torso and throat where they remember blood.

Jace and Clary move to sit at the end of the bed now, watching their friend cautiously. “Alec?” Jace is waiting for his brother's eyes to move towards him, he still feels shaken, and he needs to know whether what he thinks he felt is true, whether that's what Alec had to bear in the nightmare. “What happened? I felt like... being stabbed.”

_More like being butchered._  Alec's head retorts.

  

_After falling and crashing he finds himself chained to a metal chair. His ankles are tied as are his wrists behind his back. There is the familiar blackness around him, but he can see himself. It's like a spotlight is thrown on him but he can't make out the source._

_He's trying to get free, of course, but he soon has to give up, the pain of the wire digging deeper and deeper into his wrists and ankles getting unbearable. He can feel how his blood is running down his hands, he can hear it drop onto the ground._

_He's trying to brace himself for the inevitable to come out of the darkness. The anticipation is almost worse than the horror staring him in the face. And for a long time nothing happens, and the longer nothing happens, the more terrified he becomes._

_It's so subtle, he doesn't even acknowledge it. He's wearing his usual dark clothes, but there's a spot on his stomach that suddenly looks darker, and it's stretching._

_Now he can feel it. A stab. Has he been stabbed? By what? When? He didn't see or hear anything, didn't even feel-_

_He feels this one and the next. Invisible weapons penetrating his skin, his flesh. There are two more darkened patches on his shirt now and he can feel blood oozing out. Cold sweat is spreading all over his body, his heart is racing dangerously, throbbing in the wounds, but he knows from experience that they're not lethal, not deep enough._

_Not yet._

_Against better judgement he's starting another attempt to free himself, the wire tightening dangerously, threatening to cut off every muscle, tendon and artery. Alec doesn't want to lose his hands, so he stills them again._

_It feels like a dagger is plunged into his thigh and he screams, watching horrified as a long bloody gash appears right down to his knee. It's deep, he can see the bone, and the blood is soaking his pant leg immediately._

_Alec is used to physical pain, has had to endure it many times, but even though, watching yourself being cut to pieces, without any chance of defending yourself, inspires extreme panic in him, his survival instinct wanting him to beg for his life, beg for it to stop, but he knows it won't matter so he swallows the plea down._

_He gets stabbed and cut countless more times, cries out in agony over and over, hoping, begging silently to pass out at least, but he's not granted that kind of relief._

_Something suddenly grabs him by his throat and hauls him upwards, the chair and his chains vanishing. He's naked now, dangling from an invisible ceiling, only few patches of his natural skin color still showing as he's covered in blood._

_He gasps, the heart wrenching scream getting stuck as something big, and long plunges into his chest and pierces right through him. He can only gurgle, blood rushing from his mouth, sheer disbelief, mingled with mortal terror in his eyes. He's still not passing out, or dying._

_The last he feels is his throat being slit._

 

Alec leaves out the worst parts because they don't need to know and he doesn't even know how to handle Jace being forced to go through some of it, and he can't think that any of them could find anything helpful in it. Someone obviously harbors implacable hatred for him and is set on torturing him for the rest of his life, because he just can't see how they're ever going to free his mind from this. And then he needs to be on his own and quickly excuses himself to take a shower. He can still taste his blood in his mouth and does phantom pain include wounds that don't really exist?

 

 

“Who would do this to him? Who would have a reason and who would even be powerful enough? I've never even heard of anything like this!” Isabelle is inconsolable, pacing the bedroom. Jace and Clary left a little while ago, Jace wanting to freshen up and needing some time to get his head around everything.

Magnus is about to say something but she cuts him off again. “I mean, could it be more than one... demon or whatever? Like combined magic for it to be so strong and permanent? Like the warlocks creating the spell for this house? How could only  _one_  being possess this kind of power?!” She halts and pierces Magnus' eyes directly with her fiery ones and though she doesn't intend to, it makes him feel guilty and small, because he's asked himself the same questions a hundred times by now and he still couldn't come up with any kind of answer, let alone a plausible one, and he feels just  _so guilty._

“Izzy, I honestly don't know. There are some rumors of ancient beings, demons, angels, no one even knows for sure anymore, who apparently lived thousands of years ago with unlimited might and magic, but I certainly haven't come across any of them and there's no knowledge or any kind of proof of such an existence now, or for the last few millennia. And even if, why would any such being even take notice of an ordinary Shadowhunter? I am sorry, but I just don't know.”

“Maybe not because of him...” She has never felt this level of desperation in her life, hadn't known such depth were even possible, but now... she regrets her words even before they're finished leaving her lips and can just about hold her thought back, feeling nothing but horrid for even considering Magnus could be to blame for what's happening to her brother and she wishes so much she could take them back when she's confronted with the crass, raw, scathing in her friend's eyes.

“Magnus, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-” The space he occupied a moment ago is left empty. Crestfallen she drops onto the floor and hides her face in her arms.

 

Alec spends half an hour in the shower, willing every single thought out of his mind. He wants to be a robot, a machine, just function, no thoughts, especially no feelings disturbing him. He brushes his teeth three times until he thinks he can't taste blood any longer, then brushes them again, and eventually grabs a bathrobe and heads back to the bedroom. He's trying to only think step by step. Go to the bedroom, open the closet, find clothes, dress clothes. That's it.

 

When he finds his sister all upset in the room, that concept is blown to pieces.

“Izzy?” He crouches down next to her and puts a hand on her shoulder, wanting to make her feel better, take her pain away. He doesn't want anyone else to feel so much pain, isn't it enough that he does?

“Hey, big brother, I'm sorry, don't mind me, I'm okay.” She wipes her eyes and smiles at him and it breaks his heart. “I don't think anyone is okay anymore, Izzy. And you don't have to pretend for me, I really understand... I just wish I could make it better anyhow.” “You can, just give me a hug.” They share a sad smile and then hold each other tight. Isabelle feels so awful and horrible and guilty and if Alec knew what she did... if he had his memories... but he doesn't and she won't tell him anything, she'll have to beg Magnus for forgiveness later, she honestly didn't mean to blame or hurt him! She was just so out of her mind with worry and anger and fear... but she doesn't want to make excuses for herself, either. She'll have to find a way to make it up to him.

* * *

 

_Dear friends,_

_I've taken it upon myself to go and find out what's happening outside of our safe haven, I will join you again once I have gathered information._

_Magnus, don't drink too much, or have some for me, as well!_

_Look after each other._

_Your friend,_

_Ragnor Fell_

Magnus crumbles up the paper and incinerates it in his hand, shaking out some shreds of remaining ash. He would very much love to burn down this whole damn place... or himself. At first he honestly couldn't fathom what Izzy had implied, what she had said,  _thought_... he had felt so betrayed. But as much as he would love to blame her, be furious with her, hate her... he can't, he doesn't. He blames himself, he is livid with himself, he  _hates_  himself. Izzy has nothing to do with it, she is in such pain and despair over her brother... no one understands this better than himself. No one gets it more... He stares down at his hands, lets his magic appear. All that power... all that knowledge and experience of centuries... magic... and yet, he knows nothing, he can do nothing, he  _is_ nothing.

For a long moment he is genuinely considering going after Ragnor, just leave, go away, far away... _Shame on you, Magnus Bane!_   _He would never abandon you!_  He magicks himself outside, closes his eyes, fists his hands and screams savagely into the Texan sky.

  

The good thing, well, less bad thing, about this nightmare was that it only included himself. Alec can deal better with that than if he had seen that cruelty done to Izzy, Jace or anyone else. It's still brutally dire, but he can just about bear it, and bury it in the back of his mind, while Izzy is helping him pick clothes and finds him a pair of blue jeans and a big, warm and soft navy blue hoodie, a size too big but adding to the feeling of comfort. He'll take all he can get.

Clary had suggested to cook for them all to take Jace's mind away from that traumatizing experience. He'd been very quiet but all she could do was be there. She could never completely understand what their bond truly meant and made them feel, simply because she didn't experience it, but she was fine with that and would support both of them in whatever way needed.

They were both very pleasantly surprised when Isabelle and Alec joined them in the kitchen and even offered to help cook the lasagna (one of Alec's favorites) and salad, and though this almost homely scene felt utterly bizarre to them all, it was still extremely nice to have.

“Where are Magnus and Ragnor?” Alec inquires while cutting peppers, more vegetables waiting, another task he likes to do because it's monotone and doesn't really require thinking. “We haven't seen them in a while, maybe they're plotting some mischief.” Clary offers with a small smile. Alec just nods, they'll probably find out sooner or later, and though he doesn't want to be, he's too perceptive and intuitive to miss the way his sister stiffened and masked her face at the mention of Magnus' name. What, and if he may do anything about it, he doesn't know, though.

 

Magnus had expected to return to four young adults in deep misery, making him all the more astounded to find them cooking in the kitchen, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of 20-part food processors.

“They're very time efficient, you can chop and mince all kinds of food in maybe... a quarter of the time it would usually take you.” Alec.

“Maybe so, but cleaning all that shit is going to take a lot more time than rinsing off a few knives and bowls! If you didn't know, you're not supposed to put them in a dishwasher, and you have to dismantle them first.” Jace.

“How do you even know that when you don't know how a toaster works?” Clary can't but challenge her boyfriend.

“What? Of course I know! That was just... I wasn't really awake at the time!” Jace is a little outraged and Clary raises an amused eyebrow at him. “Uh huh, right.”

Alec and Isabelle are smirking at each other when he spots movement in his peripheral vision. He turns his head, their eyes meeting. He can feel how his lungs contract slightly, and it's definitely become warmer in the room. He should maybe say something. “Hi.”

Isabelle's head whips around and when she sees Magnus she feels a storm of guilt coming down on her, averting her eyes immediately, her body tense. Alec and Magnus notice and Alec looks very puzzled. Magnus wants to put her at ease, but not with everyone around. He can't wait until later, either, because he can't watch her this upset because of him, and without good reason.

“Isabelle, would you be so kind as to join me for a minute? I need some fashion advice.” He makes sure his voice is nothing but soft and amicable but the way she flinches he could as well have shouted at her.

“Yes, sure.” She gets up and walks past him quickly, inwardly preparing herself for pretty much _anything._  At least she tries to.

The moment they're alone and out of earshot from the others she's basically in his face, not letting him get a word in.

“I am so endlessly sorry for what I said, I didn't mean it, it was horrible of me and so unfair and I am a terrible person and friend and you can hate me but please don't hate me forever because I couldn't stand that, because I love you, you're one of my very best friends and I'd miss you so much if you were gone and wouldn't talk to me about fashion and food and décor and our boyfriends and life and I honestly couldn't cope and I will do anything you want to make it up to you, I swear by the Angel, and my life!”

Magnus is completely stunned at how many words came tumbling out of her mouth in such a short amount of time and as he doesn't immediately react she seems to think she needs to say even more. He quickly kicks himself into action and takes her by her shoulders. “Izzy, stop! I'm not mad at you, there's no need to apologize.”

She blinks at him dumbfounded. “You're not mad at me?” She can't quite believe it yet. He smiles softly and shakes his head. “No, Isabelle, I am not. And you're not a terrible person or friend and I love you, too, and I would not be able to spend even a week without talking to you.” Under normal circumstances at least.

She flings herself into and around him and after the initial shock his arms close around her as well. He hasn't let anyone comfort him in a very long time, not since Alexander... but at this moment he can accept it and reciprocate it. “Thank you.” She whispers and he can hear tears in her voice and squeezes her body a little tighter. “There's no need, I understand.”

Before they head back to join the others, he quickly uses his magic to change his outfit. “Now, don't you give the best fashion advice?” She gives him an impressed all over. “I sure do, Mr. Bane.”

They emerge arm in arm which elicits smiles from the other three Shadowhunters. Alec is very relieved. He doesn't need to know what it was about as long as they're good again. Whilst facing these strenuous challenges they need to stick together, he really gets that now.

 


	12. Can't But Try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for some graphic violence.

Magnus had explained about Ragnor and they had all spent a couple of hours longer in the kitchen, finishing to cook, enjoying more banter about silly things and then ate together, the atmosphere relaxed throughout. None of them would have believed this could happen a few hours ago, and they wouldn't waste a second of it.

It was a reflex, an impulse that had them all, subtly or unconsciously, seek out the oldest Shadowhunter frequently, each single one of them in need to know that he was 'alright'.

Clary and Jace volunteered to do the dishes, while Magnus, Izzy and Alec were meant to go prepare the living-room to have another games night. They were all keen on keeping the momentum going, providing especially Alec with as much ease of his burden as they possibly could. Before they could leave, Jace felt the sudden impulse to pull his Parabatai against him and hold him close, squeezing him tightly. Alec was taken by surprise but he could feel Jace's emotional turmoil and squeezed the shorter man right back. Magnus, as ever, tried not to feel jealous, and failed.

“So, what's it to be this time? More animals? Music, movies, fashion designers? Oh, how about alcoholic drinks!” Magnus raised his glass filled with red wine at that and toasted to his friends. Sweet red wine was even to the liking of Alec's rather delicate taste buds and he sipped on his glass while smirking softly at the warlock's suggestions. “I think you and Izzy would be the only ones to play the designers category. And if you don't want to play on your own, cross the alcoholic drinks, as well.” Clary interjects.

Magnus rolls his eyes dramatically and leans back elegantly into the armchair, crossing his legs. “Fine, you choose, biscuit.”

Clary thinks hard for a moment, trying to find something they all have rather vast knowledge of. As she glances about, a painting comes into view, portraying an archer about to shoot some demonic creature. That could work. “How about armor and weapons?” She looks around at the others who seem quite agreeable to the idea.

Alec had been a little apprehensive, not sure if or what kind of knowledge he had about the topic, but he was soon, together with Jace, in the lead. They weren't playing with the proper rules anymore, by now it was a match between the Parabatai about who would falter first. It didn't look like any of them wanted to let the other win, though, and both their knowledge was impressive.

It's Alec's turn and he's highly concentrated, searching his mind for a weapon beginning with the letter S frantically. He has only a few seconds left and he's afraid he'll lose now when all of a sudden he remembers something. “Stele!”

Jace frowns deeply. “A stele isn't exactly a weapon, Alec.” The others have to kind of agree, but Alec just raises an eyebrow.

“Tell that to Max, he used his stele when he almost burned down the Mumbai Institute!” It had hardly been this bad, but at the time their father had told them, it may as well have been.

Jace is considering this while Isabelle sits frozen, staring at her older brother. She knows she has told him  _a lot_  about their little brother, but something about the way Alec said it... before she gets her hopes up she needs to be sure, though.

“Do you know where we were when they told us?” She asks him as casually as she manages, the others suddenly catching on, especially Magnus, having thought something similar when he noticed Izzy's reaction. He's practically on the edge of his armchair, observing the siblings intently.

Alec rubs his forehead for a moment, frowning at her question. “Dad's office, I think, an office anyway, we were there to...” His mind's gone blank but Izzy almost squees, suddenly clutching his arm. “Alec, do you know what just happened?!” He looks rather wary at his sister now, having  _no_  clue what's up with her. “You remembered! You remembered Max and the Mumbai incident! On your own! I never told you about that, I'm sure!"

Alec just stares at her incredulously. He what? He remembered? On his own? But... fuck! She's right, she must be! He can actually  _see_  it in his mind. Max, their father, Isabelle and himself in the office, Max had hugged him and he had felt delighted to see his little brother. He  _remembers._  A stunned smile is slowly ghosting over his face.

“I do, I really remember."

He suddenly finds himself surrounded by three grinning, happy faces and they're all hugging each other, him in particular, just a little too firmly. None of them minds. Isabelle's catching Magnus' guarded expression, gesturing him to join them but he shakes his head and leaves, just to appear a couple of minutes later with another bottle of the wine they'd been drinking. She's sure it was just an excuse, though, but she knows it's even more difficult for her friend than for any of them.

 

“Let's celebrate!” Magnus  _is_  happy that Alec seems to have regained a memory and maybe there is hope that he will get them all back now, in time. He's just... he can't let himself be too hopeful, too enthusiastic, too emotional. He has to keep those parts of himself locked up for now, today just proved it. Only then will he be able to do what's required of him, only then will he be able to bear being so close to the one he  _loves_   _so greatly and completely_ and keep his distance to refrain from harming him in any way.

He's filling up their glasses again and sits back in the armchair. “Do you remember anything else?” Izzy seems giddy with excitement and downs her glass in one go, but who can blame her...

Alec is looking rather flustered and insecure, feeling overwhelmed with this kind of development and also scared to disappoint. He doesn't think he remembers anything else, but maybe he just doesn't know right now, or maybe his memories will flood back any moment, or not for a long time. He guesses it's all possible but he won't know until it happens. He shrugs, a soft, apologetic smile tugging on his lips.

“Hey, Alec, don't worry, this is great! Try not to pressure yourself.” Jace squeezes his brother's shoulder, smiling encouragingly.

_Yeah, okay, no pressure._  If only Alec worked that way.

They drink (not only alcohol!) and eat and talk until the early morning hours and this time, Alec is the one who seems to be the most affected by sleep-deprivation. But then he had only got few undisturbed hours of rest and the strain of his situation is quickly eating up all of his resources.

“Do you want me to refresh your rune?” Isabelle asks quietly as she runs her fingers through her older brother's hair, his head resting on her shoulder.

He is just  _so terribly tired_. And he knows it won't last and he has to give in, anyway. Maybe he'll find a few hours of reprieve at least.

He forces himself into an upright position and rubs his face. “No, it's okay. I'll go to bed.” A glowering sickness is immediately expanding from his gut, engulfing him wholly. He'll have to be brave.

“I'll come with you.” Izzy. “Me too!” Jace, but Alec shakes his head. “No, stay here, Jace, honestly, it's okay. You should try to get some sleep as long as it's possible. And Izzy'll protect me.” He shows a small grin, trying to ease their minds, though he can clearly see how dreadful they're feeling for him again. At first Jace wants to argue but then he concedes. If he's sure of one thing, it's that he  _will_ know the moment Alec's nightmare begins. Jace and Clary hug their tall friend before he disappears with his sister.

Jace drops back onto the couch heavily, sighing wistfully, then looks at Magnus who seems to be wearing a mask, not letting any of what he thinks or feels through.

“Alexander is right, you two should go to bed as well and catch some sleep.” Before it's too late. He empties his glass and reaches for the bottle. “Magnus, you need sleep, too. I know you haven't been looking after yourself.” Clary's gaze rests on him, reflecting worry and care for her friend.

“Biscuit, I'm a warlock and I don't need-” “Bullshit, you need rest as much as we do, so be reasonable and go to bed, we will all know as soon as Alec... wakes up, and he'll need us all to be strong for him. If he finds out you're sacrificing your health for him he'll be royally pissed.” She sounds and looks like no one, not even The High Warlock of Brooklyn, should mess with her. Now, Magnus is exceptionally good at ignoring, even provoking these kinds of arguments, but he doesn't feel like it just now.

“Fine, let's all go to bed and enjoy some heavenly slumber.” He can't hold back the sarcasm, or refrain from having another glass of wine beforehand, though.

The three of them choose the two bedrooms closest to Alec's and even though none of them truly believes it, they all fall asleep not long after their eyes close.

* * *

 

_He finds himself surrounded by thick, black bars, gaps wide enough to get his arm and shoulder through, but impossible to fit his body, impossible to bend the indestructible material. The light in his cage is dim, but enough to see inside, all around him that same, impenetrable darkness._

_All he can do is wait._

_He can hear strange sounds before half a dozen blinding headlights are turned on, his arms pushing before his eyes to shield them. But they're not pointed at him._

_When he dares to check, he's startled to see a stage in front of him, taken right out of a theater play. There's a huge brown velvet curtain pulled close, concealing what's behind._

_Alec holds onto two of the bars, hardly daring his heart to beat or his lungs to breathe._

_The curtain gets pulled apart suddenly, making a loud squeaking noise. Then stillness._

_Alec sees three chairs on stage now, unoccupied, behind them more darkness. The headlights move to point directly at them. His stomach leaps painfully, his knuckles becoming whiter with his fingers clinging desperately to the bars, threatening to cut off his blood circulation. He's not aware of any of it._

_His heart stops._

_Three people dressed in all white, their arms restrained behind their backs, a white hood hiding their heads, are led on stage by a figure dressed in all black, a black hood over its head._

_Alec's brain is hardly able to take it all in. The one in black is tall and buff, definitely male, and despite the hood he seems to be able to see what he's doing and where he's going._

_The three figures in white have to be a man, a woman, and to Alec's biggest dismay, a child._

_One after the other they get pushed onto a chair roughly by the dark figure, ropes appearing out of nowhere, strapping them all onto the chair to make sure they can't escape._

_Alec feels noxious with fear._

_The black man positions himself behind the first figure, the other man, and pulls the white hood from his head._

“ _Jace!!” Alec screams out, startling at his voice resounding uproariously and everywhere around them like an echo, just more viciously._

“ _Alec?!” Jace calls out, seemingly able to see him. He has to get out of this cage!! Jace is struggling, desperate to loosen his restraints and get to his friend, Alec is banging against the bars, trying again to get through even though it is absolutely impossible._

_And then he freezes, all blood drained from his face, his whole body, as he watches the black hooded man grab a large axe out of nowhere and hacks Jace through in the middle._

_Alec is shocked into numbness, his legs giving away but he doesn't even feel his body hit the ground. This isn't happening, it can't be._

_The man is already moving again, having dismissed the axe he's behind the second person now, pulling off her hood and Alec just knows it's his sister, because who else would it be? He's trying to command his body again, desperately getting up and flinging himself against the bars, stretching his arm out as far as he can, which isn't far at all and his screams get stuck in his throat this time, as he watches Isabelle being impaled by a large spear, her body fidgeting until she's completely still._

_Alec doesn't even have a second to recover before the dark figure is behind the last person, pulling up the white hood. It clicks in Alec's mind. A child._

_Max._

_He's screaming uncontrollably, throwing himself against the bars with such vigor some of his bones are breaking, but he doesn't care, doesn't feel anything but horrifying despair. The black figure halts for one moment, red, flaming eyes flashing directly into Alec's soul. Alec feels freezing coldness and then he has to watch as the black man beheads his crying, little brother._

_Unspeakable pain. Then darkness._

  

Jace knows this time it's nothing directly being done  _to_ his brother, which makes it only worse. He doesn't have words to describe it, he just feels so much pain and despair and horror from his Parabatai, he can hardly breathe or control his tears as they're all gathered in Alec's room again, watching the inevitable, unable to help him out of it.

What's also worse are his screams. Alec's moving about a lot more than before, screaming almost constantly, while a flood of tears leaves his eyes. They can't bear it, and even more they can't bear for him to have to bear it.

When he finally comes to, he's forced to throw up, unable to reach anywhere but move his head over the bed, so he only spoils the carpet.

He's still violently retching when nothing is left inside of him to get out. Isabelle is gently rubbing his back and head, trying to soothe him while willing her own tears away and Magnus got quickly rid of the evidence so Alec won't have to feel bad about that, too.  _So useless and pathetic._

 

Jace is looking as if he had been throwing up for minutes as well, and he was close to it. He doesn't actually want to know this time... he just can't imagine what must have happened to evoke such a brutal reaction. But thinking like this he suddenly feels riddled with guilt and like a damn coward. Alec would never even think... it's all just so terrible and insane!

Finally the heaving stops and Alec can move his body into a sitting position again, wiping his mouth. Magnus quickly snaps his fingers and hands Isabelle a glass of water for her brother which she helps him drink a few sips from. Alec's trying to only focus on his breathing, willing the remaining sickness to go away. His mind is in complete denial about what happened in his nightmare. He just  _cannot_   _ever_ think of it again. He drops his head and hides his face in his hands, holding his breath painfully long. Images of Jace, Izzy and Max being slaughtered invade his mind again, begrudging him any peace.

He screams hoarsely into his hands, causing his friends and family to shiver and tear up again with sorrow and compassion, then he takes a deep breath and drops his hands, slowly opening his eyes, focusing on his Parabatai, feeling suddenly choked up. But he's alive! Alive, alive, alive! They're  _all_ alive! He wishes so much that his little brother was here, at least that he could be sure he's safe, wherever he is.

There's a soreness starting in his mouth, leading all the way through his body. Nothing but hurt. He swallows painfully and wets his lips, tasting the disgusting cold sweat that's stuck on his skin. He can't look away from his brother's multicolored eyes, not wanting to, but needing to know...

“You don't... see what I see?” He has to be sure, feeling partly what he feels is awful enough. Jace shakes his head, swallowing down a big lump that's threatening to gag him. “No, what did you...?” It feels as if they're all holding their breaths.

His voice is laced with timidness, softer and more broken than they've ever heard him before. “You, Izzy... and Max... you were all... killed right in front of me... and I couldn't do _anything_.”

Alec doesn't feel the tears this time, doesn't register his sister's arms around him, holding him against her. He just closes his eyes, never wanting to feel anything ever again. They're trying their best but comfort can't reach him this time.

* * *

 

He didn't tell them any details, he couldn't get the words out and his throat was killing him, but even after drinking something Magnus gave him, some sort of herbal tea maybe, he wasn't really that interested, and the soreness subsided, he still didn't want to talk. He really didn't want anything but for this torture to stop and it wasn't going to happen. He took a hot bath, not feeling any bit relaxed afterwards, and he wrapped himself up in warm clothes but he still felt cold, a coldness that had taken possession of him completely.

All day Alec's subdued, seemingly not really there with them, not participating in anything, no matter how hard they try. In the afternoon he finally excuses himself, just wanting to be alone.

He positions the chair in 'his' room so he can look out of the window. He can see the yellow van, asking himself how they could have driven here only a few days ago when it feels like a lifetime to him now. He can see endless landscape, tiny mountains way back, a neverending sky. Even the sun is shining today. He keeps rubbing his arms, embracing himself, trying to hide within himself, but he can't shake the shivers infesting his body.

He's been drifting in a state of outright exhaustion for a while, his head suddenly snapping up and he looks around, wondering where he is before it all comes rushing back and takes his breath away. His view falls on the van again, and he's not sure why, but he gets up, grabs a coat and heads outside without anyone noticing.

As he opens the back doors of the vehicle he doesn't have a clue what he's looking for, but it's not exactly a new feeling. He seems to be on an endless quest, after his memories, after what is happening, who is doing it to him, after safety and making sense of his life, his existence.

He's been staring at the bow and quiver for a couple of minutes now. A last moment of hesitation turns into resolution and he reaches for them.

He really doesn't have a clue what he's actually doing out here and with this weapon he doesn't really know how to even properly use, not consciously anyway, but he's just going by instinct now, or whatever it is that brought him out here. Now, what does he... he doesn't even have a target. He doesn't think shooting at the house or the van would make much sense. This is rather pointless really... he looks up to see some birds fly by and watches them turning into tiny dots before they disappear out of sight. Now, he doesn't want to shoot birds, or any animals, but maybe he could just see how high he can shoot. Would be kind of cool if the arrow would disappear. The things he's occupying himself with to not think... He shrugs it off, positions himself, draws the bow, nocks the arrow, bends his body upwards and shoots the arrow straight up into the sky.

Disappear it doesn't, but it does fly pretty high and he's following with his eyes, not leaving it out of sight and jogging after it to where it comes down again. He lifts it off the ground and observes it. He always liked the red color of the feathers. There's a flash of raging, flaming eyes, and it's gone, and the hairs on his neck are suddenly erect as he knows someone's behind him and when he turns he's met by soulful brown eyes and for a split second he forgets everything.

Magnus had been silently standing by a window, lost in his own mind, when he became aware of movement. Seeing Alexander, bow in hand and quiver strapped over his shoulder, walking purposefully towards, to him, an invisible place, made him believe he was, like so often before not even two weeks ago, a figment of his imagination.

“Will you go to him?” Isabelle had appeared at his side and he hadn't noticed. Not a ghost then? He glanced at her fleetingly, making sure she was seeing the same as him. “You think I should?” If Alexander had gone outside, and gotten his bow and quiver, he probably didn't want to be disturbed. He always found excuses not to do things these days. Especially concerning Alec.

“What do you think?” She regards him intently for a moment before she walks off again, leaving him to ponder.

Against his better judgement he decides to take the risk. If anyone's worth taking risks for it's his Shadowhunter, after all.

 

“It's not easy finding a target in all this wilderness.” Magnus states eventually, after their staring had felt to go on for a little bit too long.

Alec is suddenly back in the here and now, glancing down at the arrow he's still holding in his hand for a moment before he places it back into the quiver.

“No, but I didn't really mean to... I just...” He shrugs, glancing from Magnus' face to the ground and the side, not sure what he means or what he wanted here in the first place and feeling embarrassed by his lack of eloquence once again.

“I can get you a makeshift target if you want to practice?” Magnus is all too familiar with the signs Alec's showing and wants to put him at ease, if he can.

The tall man is quite surprised at the offer, but he didn't really want to practice, did he? He slowly shakes his head. “Maybe another time. But thank you.” He quickly adds not wanting to be rude again. Magnus nods, a trace of a smile on his lips.

Alec feels a shudder along his neck and spine, but he actually doesn't feel cold right now. It's yet another strange and confusing sensation he can't make sense of.

They both seem unsure of what to say now and before any one of them can make up his mind, they're spooked by a loud, very high squeaking noise. Alec leaps around, scanning the ground frantically, but apart from the first shock he doesn't really feel afraid, the sound even seems a little bit familiar. Definitely an animal. And then he spots movement and Magnus, who also saw what he did, follows him swiftly.

Alec is crouching down now, moving slower, then he's still, observing the small animal standing on its hindlegs, its mouth with two sharp front teeth open, blurting out a row of the high-pitched noises from before. Magnus crouched down next to the young man, more interested in watching his face than the animal.

“I think it's a gopher. Pocket gopher, because they hoard food in their cheeks.”

Magnus realises he'd love hardly anything more than watching and listening to Alexander talking about animals all day long. There's even a gentle half-smile on his face that reflects in his beautiful hazel eyes. Just for witnessing this moment he feels eternally grateful.

“What's it doing?” Magnus asks quietly not to scare Alec's newfound joy, and to hopefully hear some more.

“Probably calling for a mate or their boy- or girlfriend.” Magnus can't but smile a little wondrously at seeing the tiny crooked grin on Alexander's lips.

“I think they're usually quite unfriendly, though. Loners and not likely to share their burrows, except when they have offspring. There must be a whole network of tunnels below us.”

Magnus keeps staring at the face he just wants to smooch and touch and have close every second of every day, until Alec stands up again and the gopher disappears in the ground.

“Guess I scared it. We best head back before it gets all its friends to chase us away, they have sharp teeth.”

“Fascinating.” Magnus retorts and quickly follows Alec to be by his side again, his eyes back on the taller man's profile.

“You must have watched all episodes of Animal Planet at some point.” Magnus knows that he did, in their loft, whenever he was too tired to read and waiting for Magnus to come home or while he was on the phone or having to brew a potion or some other warlock stuff Alec couldn't help with.

“Yeah, maybe.” Alec's eyes briefly land on Magnus' face before they're gone again. “You like glitter, don't you?”

Magnus is rather surprised at this sudden and clearly unexpected change of topic, but he feels rather amused, and just happy they seem to be able to keep a conversation going now.

“I do. But what made you say that just now?”

Alec brings up a hand and scratches his cheek, his nose, then drops the hand again, glancing back at Magnus. “You wear it quite often, and you have a bit on your face.”

He halts suddenly, making Magnus stop as well and brings up a hand, gesturing at his own face, the general direction of his cheek. Magnus, knowing he didn't put on glitter today, tries to gauge from that where the Shadowhunter means and rubs his cheek.

Alec realizes his mistake and before he can stop himself his hand is reaching for Magnus' face, his thumb touching the skin on his right temple, stroking gently and then down to just under his eye, caressing a spot before the hand's gone again, leaving Magnus in a state of pure longing.

“There, all gone.” Alec feels very sheepish suddenly and turns away, slowly walking onwards. Magnus blinks, still feeling that tender touch that makes him want to grab the taller man and melt into him. Another moment to get himself back under control and he's quickly catching up again.

“Thank you, glitter does get everywhere and you sometimes find it weeks after you thought you cleaned it all up in rather strange places.” As they had found out first hand, involving lots of glitter, lots of making out and lots of cleaning afterwards, as he wasn't allowed magic. The reward had more than made up for it.

Alec nods in acknowledgement, still feeling the warmth and smoothness of Magnus' skin on his thumb. And once again he wishes he could see those eyes... He suddenly halts again and Magnus' heart skips a beat in anticipation.

He mustn't mess up this time! He's seen them before, so surely Magnus won't mind! Alec turns again slowly, swallowing and gathering courage and then looks directly into the warlock's brown eyes. “Can I... can you show me your eyes again? I mean, your real ones, the cat ones.” He blabs uncoordinatedly, well aware that Magnus knows what he means by his real eyes, but he seems to be really quite hopeless at expressing himself, especially in these situations. He doesn't remember whether he's always been this way, but he's afraid so, and feels bad for all the poor people who've had to deal with him like this.

The request is actually taking him off-guard. He really hadn't expected this... and judging from the way Alec acted just now, this has been on his mind a lot and seems to be quite important to him, and Magnus simply can't fathom why, with everything else going on... or maybe that's exactly why. And it's finally something he can do for his Alexander.

“As you wish.”

Alec feels tingles pleasantly dancing along his body as Magnus closes his eyes and when he opens them, he can finally see the glowing, yellow cat eyes up close, just as he wanted to since seeing them from a distance. Unconsciously he steps closer, unable to take his eyes off of them.

The enchanted tiny smile Alexander's showing at such close proximity has Magnus stand still in time. This could as well be an alternate universe. He wouldn't care as long as they could be together forever, he'd welcome it!

Alec feels mesmerized and he wishes he could get even closer but he's already close enough, too close, and Magnus can't like having someone so rudely stare and be right in his face. He pulls himself back quite forcefully. “Thank you.” He rubs his neck awkwardly, glancing all around. Magnus, violently thrown out of this bliss he was in, glamours his eyes again quickly, feeling a little insecure about Alec's behavior.

To Alec's disappointment the warlock's eyes are glamoured again as he looks up. And his brown ones are very... pretty, but those cat eyes are out of this world. “You really shouldn't hide them.” He feels very shy suddenly, but he had to let him know, not that Magnus has any reason to value his opinion, but he still had to say it.

He feels moved to a place deep within where no one has touched him before, not until Alec. And he's still him, memories or not, this gorgeous, brave, selfless, broken man in front of him is  _his Alexander._  If Magnus let himself speak in this moment, he would tell him all that he feels and all the promises they had shared and everything about their love for each other. And he would have ruined this moment, and infinitely more. He's lucky something stops him, though he feels anything but.

Magnus' stunned silence prompts Alec to continue walking towards the house, unsure whether he did the right thing. Magnus is suddenly next to him again, seeking out his eyes, emitting a shiver down his neck. “Thank you, Alexander, I will conside-” They startle at hearing the loud, high-pitched noise again, just that this time it's definitely more than one gopher! Their eyes grow a bit wider simultaneously, both having the exact same thought and they quickly escape into the house, not even looking back to see if their assumption is right. The crooked little smile Alec's showing as they close the door behind them elicits warm shudders along Magnus' body.

 

“What were you running from?” Jace has witnessed their entrance, a spark of joy settling in his gut at feeling a nice and calm sensation from his Parabatai, and that little smile on his face. If only he'd remember Magnus, their love, he  _knows_  it would help him, them both so much. But Magnus was dangerously clear, they were under no circumstances to tell Alec, not even give him a hint, about their relationship until Alec remembered. And they would honor that promise they made him, no matter what.

Alec's head turns to look at the blond, while Magnus' eyes remain on the taller man, longingly. “Yeah, actually, it was kind of... a huge animal... with sharp claws and teeth and it wanted a bite out of us, but we were faster, of course.” He takes off his bow and quiver, smirking into himself at Jace's half startled, half suspicious expression, and places them carefully against the wall.

Jace uses the opportunity to mouth a thank you to Magnus for succeeding in making Alec feel better, even after that kind of horror. Magnus gives a hint of a nod, not agreeing with the blond Shadowhunter but he's not going to argue now.

“So, I hope you guys are hungry now that you've been running for miles from that beast?” He certainly hopes so, because Alec needs to get his weight and strength up and hasn't eaten all day,  _couldn't_  after that nightmare.

Alec nods a little, glancing at Magnus who's quick to agree, and they all have dinner together.

It's not as if Alec forgot, but having found distractions like his bow and arrows, Magnus, his friends' banter during dinner and cleaning and drying the dishes, has enabled him to focus all of his mental strength on  _pretending,_ locking up everything else and throwing away the key, for a while. It's much more strenuous, but also much safer to deal with than the alternative, if only it could last.

Everyone jumps a little and stares at the broken plate on the floor, Alec quickly crouching down to gather up the pieces. “Alec, wait, you'll hurt yourself, let me get-” Isabelle is about to check for a dustpan and brush, but freezes mid-movement. Alec is immobile, staring at his finger where a small line of blood appeared.

An image of terror had managed to invade his mind the moment he let the plate drop, but now, looking at his blood, everything seems to come rushing back and he feels nauseous and as he stands up he's swaying. Jace is with him in a flash, supporting his brother out of the kitchen to the living-room where he makes him sit and pushes his head down while rubbing his neck and back. The other three keep in the background, watching helplessly.

He needs a few minutes before he can control his body again, pushing the panic and images down. Alec moves up slowly and leans backwards, his eyes falling on the blond Shadowhunter. He can see that same sorrow and anguish as before on his face, in his eyes.  _Why_  does he have to be a part of this insanity, too? Alec can't help it, it's  _his_  fault because of their Parabatai bond! People shouldn't be forced to do this, Shadowhunter or not, this level of relayed pain shouldn't be possible! It's hideous enough to have to bear it himself, but forcing his brother to, as well...

“Is there no way we could... sever the Parabatai bond? Or at least weaken it?”

Jace can't help feeling shocked and showing it, immediately remembering a time when Alec had weakened their bond due to a lot of unfortunate circumstances, and Jace who had been fighting a demon at the time, could have been killed... but it's long been forgiven and this isn't even comparable.

The younger Shadowhunter understands that Alec's pained, almost desperate plea stems from the overwhelming guilt he's feeling, because of him having to share the burden. Jace honestly doesn't know what to say at first. He feels like destroying something, or someone, such hatred and defenselessness. But he quickly controls himself, for Alec, knowing he'll feel that, too.

Jace places his hand over one of his brother's, giving him a soft, sad smile and shakes his head. “No, it's not.” Even  _if_  they could try now, he wouldn't let him, he swore to always protect and die for his brother, he will see this through with him, no matter how long, or how much worse it will become. He won't ever abandon him to save himself pain, knowing how selfless Alec truly is, always putting others before himself, always trying to find the best solution for everyone, being their constant shoulder to lean and rely on. He could never repay Alec for all he's done for him, but what he can do is stand by him now, supporting him through this and never giving up finding a way to lessen his despicable fate.

He can tell from Alec's hopeless expression how badly he had wished to receive a different answer, and it's breaking him a little. Jace feels that he can hardly provide comfort for his best friend as he moves closer, puts an arm around him and leans his forehead against his brother's, but try is all he can do.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update/s will probably take me a while longer.


	13. I Can't Do This Anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hugest, most heartfelt gratitude to my Parabeta AlyxHavok! Without her, I'd not find the courage to keep writing this. I'll be forever grateful. Also she wrote a part of the nightmare for me which I had to keep as it was too perfect!
> 
> Also thank you so much for all the kudos and comments and also whoever might be reading this quietly. 
> 
> This chapter is maybe the worst yet? WARNING for mental and physical graphical torture, anyway.

“Could we maybe just... I don't know... do something like... watch a movie, or something?” The four of them are sprawled out on the couches, except Magnus back in one of the armchairs, all tired and somber, not mustering up the energy for another night of 'games and fun'. But Alec can feel himself slipping away, and he  _needs_  some distraction, something to focus on, no matter what.

“Yes, good idea! Where's the TV, though?” Clary pipes up, looking all around, she can't see it, and actually, she doesn't remember seeing one at all.

Magnus snaps his fingers and a cabinet placed in the wall opposite them opens, revealing a big plasma TV. He snaps his fingers again and it comes to life, the remote control suddenly in Isabelle's hand. Alec sat up, rubbed his face and was watching in awe. Magic is unbelievably amazing, and useful (and frightening in some situations) to him.

“Thank you.” Magnus nods and smiles delicately at his favorite person to ever live, concealing a profound sadness that's filling him up. Alexander looks like the epitome of depletion, his face thin and ashen, his eyes fatigued and veiled. He seems much younger and at the same time much older than he is.

Izzy is zapping through the channels and programs and finds the pay per view channel. “I'm assuming this works without payment?” She glances at Magnus whose look confirms this, and smiles softly.

“Cool, so what are you in the mood for? Comedy, action, crime, horr-, nope, chick flick?” She grins at her big brother gently, trying to coax him into thinking about this trivial stuff rather than what's terrorizing his mind. Alec feels over challenged with having to make that kind of a choice.

“Just zap through and shout when you see something interesting.” Jace suggests and Alec can agree with that. He's focusing on reading the movie titles, there are so damn many, and he doesn't think he knows any of them, when his head seems to be stuck on one of the titles he saw for a second, a minute ago.

The Devil's Advocate. His mind seems to be glued to that word.  _Advocate._  He glances at his sister and suddenly something triggers his mind... They're at the institute, he's not sure what room, but he recognizes it and he's been there before, and Isabelle... she's angry and sad, “ _What kind of people sacrifice justice for law?”_  She's talking to him, and he's warning her, something about demons finding her when she's stripped off her runes. And then he's standing behind her, “ _You need an advocate.”_ And suddenly he's at Magnus' place. And the Asian man looks... kind of stunning... and pissed... at him, circling his pinky finger in a cocktail, and now he's stepping towards him, mimicking someone, “ _Since, as you all say ‘The Law is the Law', there’s no stopping me from slipping through this gaping loophole - for the right prize._

Alec blinks, the stream of the memory having stopped in his mind. He feels kind of shaky, a mix of anxiety and excitement coiling inside him. And now he feels four pairs of intense eyes on him.

He meets his sister's eyes briefly before glancing at Magnus and averting his eyes to the ground. “I think I just remembered something... you were in trouble,” he looks back at his sister. “Something about someone wanting to strip you off your runes?” Isabelle's eyes grow wide. “Yes, The Clave! I was on trial for high treason, for helping to rescue a seelie you wanted to...” She thought too late. Damn.

Alec's frown is unmissable. “I wanted to?” “Well, it was complicated, I'll tell you another time, but in the end everything turned out well, thanks to Clary and Jace.”

“And Magnus.” Alec says without realizing at first. But he thinks he gets why he was at his place now.

“Yes, that's right, do you remember the trial, too?” Izzy can't keep her excitement contained now, but her brother shakes his head. “No, just that I told you that you needed an advocate... and then I was at your place,” he looks at Magnus, who seems positively astounded. “And... well, you seemed... kind of... annoyed with me? But I don't know why... and you said something about slipping through a gaping loophole for the right prize.”

Magnus' mouth is hanging open for just a split second before he catches himself again. He can't believe it! But Alec really only remembers fractures... but then, if he did remember  _why_  Magnus had been 'annoyed' as were his words, he's not sure whether that would be better or worse.

“That is right, it happened. But I was not really annoyed, just... had a bad day.” Close enough to the truth.

“So, you defended Izzy at her trial? What was the prize?” Alec doesn't know what it is, but he can sense there's more behind the memory and Magnus' words and he wants to remember all of it,  _so badly._

“Oh, nothing, well, at first I wanted your bow and quiver, but I told you I'd had a bad day, and I didn't really take them. Well, at first I did, but I gave them back right away.” Magnus feels torn between wanting to pour out all he hasn't told him about that memory, and rather stabbing himself before saying one wrong word. It's so painfully frustrating! He can't risk it, though, not yet anyway. But Alec remembered something else! And about  _him._  There's definitely more hope in his heart now.

“I don't remember that.” Alec sighs softly and rubs his eyes. They're heavy and achy.

“It may very well come back to you, just give it time.” He wants to reassure him, mend him, hold him...

Alec drops his hands, glancing at the floor. He feels oddly deflated, and not in a mood to watch a movie now, and he wants to be alone.

“I'm gonna read a while in the library, you just watch whatever you want.” He gets up without looking at anyone again and leaves. Isabelle's head falls onto her chest as she exhales a painful sigh. Everyone looks defeated.

Alec tried to find a book, well, he found many, but none that he actually wanted to read. He's too confused, too drained, too dissatisfied, too impatient and restless.

Eventually he drops into the armchair and stares ahead.

Magnus has to check up on him, just to see whether he's really reading, or... looking like a forsaken young man, staring into nothingness with an empty gaze, making Magnus' soul bleed.

He can't leave him here like this. He knocks on the door and opens it with a confidence he doesn't actually have. “Don't mind me, Alexander, I'm just looking for a book.” He pretends to walk past before he lets his eyes fall on the Shadowhunter and turns towards him. “You're not reading?” He has to keep himself in check not to jump into the taller man's lap (carefully) and wrap him into his arms and never let go again.

Alec merely moves his shoulders a tiny bit, suggesting a shrug. He feels too lethargic to really care.

Magnus watches him sorrow-stricken, wishing  _so very much_  that he could  _do_ something... if only the cats were here! They aren't though, but there's one thing he can do, whether it will help or not he'll have to find out.

He steps closer, stretches out a hand at Alec's eye level and blue magic appears, and within, a moving image of the Chairman, running about the loft, chasing a little ball.

Even if Alec had wanted to fight it, he's drawn to the hand and the blue energy irrevocably, unable to look away again. His eyes become wider, clearer and he watches spellbound, the moving images changing every now and again, showing the cats in all kinds of situations, usually doing some mischief, unless they're asleep.

Magnus is so moved watching Alec's wonderful face, he almost lets a tear slide past his eye. As he snaps it away, the image vanishes and he lets his arm fall to his side, shaking inwardly, losing Alec's eyes as his drop downwards. When he glances up again carefully, Alec's actually smiling softly, causing Magnus' heart to skip a beat and his lungs to choke up.

“Thank you, you're quite magical, um, I mean, uh, you're very good at magic.” Magnus wants to laugh and cry at hearing Alexander's stumbled words, and seeing his startled, adorable, blushing face. How is it even possible to love someone so wholly and exhaustively? He'd never change it, not for anything anyone could ever offer him. Alexander is more precious to him than any materialistic treasure, and any other life, including his own.

Magnus can't but smile lovingly at him. “Thank you, I have never gotten a better compliment.” Well, maybe he had from him, but certainly not from anyone else.

The tiny smile Alec meant to let loose is swallowed up by a new wave of rippling fatigue rolling over him, he can hardly keep his eyes open. A gentle hand on his upper arm steadies him enough to focus once more. Warm, brown eyes meet his. “Come, let's go back to the others, they can refresh your stamina rune.” Alec nods dazedly and feels the hand stay on his arm, warm and reassuring, safe... he takes two steps and falls, his body and mind no longer willing to take the strain of staying conscious.

Magnus' exceptional perception and quick reflexes ensure him cushioning Alec's plunge and he swiftly lifts him into his arms, a damaging sense of devastation spreading inside him, seeing his love so vulnerable and at malice's mercy.

He quickly carries Alec to the living-room. “He passed out. Let's keep a close eye on him.” He meets Isabelle's and Jace's terrified eyes before tenderly laying the tall man down on a couch and spreading a blanket over him. Then they wait.

* * *

 

_They're at the loft, Magnus is holding out a drink to him, he takes it, they look at each other and sip from it. Magnus is smiling. He feels like smiling too._

_Now they're in a place he doesn't remember, a fancy restaurant, they're dressed well, Magnus is glowing from within, looking especially dashing. He feels tingles everywhere and can't seem to stop smiling._

_He's spread out on Magnus' couch, reading, the cats are both there, Magnus is coming in, smiling, carrying a few shopping bags._

_There's Magnus looking at him, smiling at him, talking quietly to him. So many flashes of him. Magnus, Magnus, MagnusMagnusMagnusMagnus._

_Dozens, hundreds of images, moments in time, moving so fast._

_He feels dizzy as they suddenly stop._

_Magnus is right in front of him, an inch apart, his face haggard, his cheek bones sticking out horribly, his eyes closed, his hair down and unkempt, not a trace of makeup, he feels his body is cold even though he's not touching him. His eyes suddenly open, they're hollow, they're flashing, red flames._

_Everything is dark._

_Alec wakes up slowly, his head is thumping, his body feels weird, out of order. He blinks and tries to focus. There's someone else, chained on a wall opposite of him, arms stretched out upwards, legs stretched sideways, like a snowangel, but it looks very painful. The man is only wearing black shorts, his head is down, fallen to the left, his face hidden by long, black straight bangs falling over his eyes. He doesn't seem to be conscious._

_He looks around them, there's nothing else there, just cavernous darkness. And now he understands why his body is feeling so weird. He's chained up in exactly the same position as the other man. He's familiar, he must be. The body, the tone of his skin, the shape of his face, the hair color... his mind doesn't want to think it. He knows this isn't real, just one more night terror. Nothing is real. Nothing will face him. Nothing will hurt him._

_Nothing._

_He watches as the man seems to regain consciousness, his body twitching in places, his head slowly moving upwards, eyes he can partly see now, blinking in confusion, glancing around. He spots him, their eyes meet. An icecold shower is running down his spine, spreading over and under his skin, deep into his bones._

“ _Alexander?”_

_No, nonononononono! He closes his eyes for a long moment, willing it all away, wanting to ignore the sight of that man, pretend he's not here, none of this is happening. It's not REALLY happening!_

“ _Alexander? Where are we?”_

_NO!_

_He has to open his eyes again._

_Magnus._

_Finally he let himself think his name. He feels a warm spark in his chest for one second before it gets replaced by apprehension, a bleak premonition, a deep unrest._

“ _This isn't real, you don't have to be afraid, you're not really here, nothing can happen to you.” So why are you trying to reassure him? Alec dismisses his own thoughts, all of this is only happening in his head!_

“ _Alexander, what did you say? I can't hear you.” Magnus' expression is unsettling, worried._

_What does he mean he can't hear me?_

“ _Magnus? Can you hear me now?” He makes his voice sound louder. He must hear him, they're only a couple of meters apart!_

_The other man is struggling, trying to get free, watching him, no trace of understanding in his dark brown eyes._

_He really can't hear me?_

“ _Alexan-” Magnus' breath is suddenly knocked from his lungs, his eyes grown unnaturally big, full of fright, all color draining from his face._

_His whole body is shaking, twitching uncontrollably, his eyes rolling backwards, showing only white. Alec is pierced by such fear he's frozen. Against his better judgement he's trying to free his wrists. Impossible. He knows this, it never works. He knows but he can't help it._

_Magnus stopped moving, his eyes are back to normal, but they're staring at him, right through him, sending icy shivers all over him._

_Something he can't see seems to be driven into Magnus, forcing his body to convulse, making him scream. Sweat's covering his body, and he screams and screams as if he were exposed to fire._

_Alec is hardly trying to convince himself anymore that nothing about this is really happening. What he feels, is real. The angst, terror, agony, despair. It's all so real._

_He tries to talk to him again, but his voice is unheard, even to himself. He tries over and over again, only becoming more desperate. Magnus is drenched in sweat by now, his voice sounding so sore and ragged. Finally he stops, his head dropping._

_Alec thinks he's unconscious again, giving him a sense of relief, at least he won't have to feel more pain then._

_His eyes widen in shock as blue energy appears all around Magnus, it's seeping out of him, sucked into the darkness. Magnus' head shoots up, eyes wide, showing yellow pupils with a black slit like a cat's._

_He's shaking erratically, but there isn't one sound leaving his lips. Alec watches horrified as Magnus' skin is turning wax-pale as more and more of his magic is being drained from him, until there's none left._

_Magnus looks like a statue, immobile, ashen, his eyes the absence of color, soulless._

“ _Alex...ander...help...me...please.” Magnus' voice is but a croak, laced with utter anguish._

_Alec is recoiling with horror, trying desperately to get free, help him, just help him!_

“ _Why...are...you...doing...this...to...me?” Alec congeals, staring into those lifeless eyes. He can't mean him... but it feels as if he does._

_Suddenly Magnus' eyes turn a fiery red, a flame moving angrily in each one._

“ _You betrayed your parents, you wanted to see them punished!” Magnus' voice is in his head, but he's not moving his lips. It's filled with so much wrath Alec's never heard before. His mind is suddenly invaded by images, memories. He's outraged, feels deceived and vengeful, he hates his parents, he wants them gone!_

_A blink of an eye, Magnus is still staring at him with those flamed eyes, talking in his head again._

“ _You wanted to have an innocent man tortured.” Magnus' voice is tormenting him, forcing a memory of himself dragging a restraint man, a seelie, Meliorn, he remembers now, to the Silent Brothers to be tortured. But why would he do that?! Get out of my head!_

“ _You tried to break your bond and kill your Parabatai, you wanted to! You should have done it!” The voice isn't Magnus' anymore, can't be, it only exists of cold-hearted fury. More memories are overpowering his mind, filling him with torturous grief._

_He's screaming Jace's name, feeling unbelievable pain. He can see the other Shadowhunter now, lying on the ground, screaming his name, fighting for his life._

_He's fighting Jace, knocking him down and holding a blade to his throat. He feels his own rage, despair, desire to kill... He wants to slit his throat so badly... “Jace is dead to me.” He can see himself, hear himself. NO!_

_Alec's screaming for it to stop, he can't take it anymore, he didn't! He couldn't... He would never!_

“ _But you did, and you will kill the one you love the most.” There's a sizzling fire burning his insides, making him cry out endlessly._

_He feels like he hasn't got a drop of strength left, hardly enough to move his head to be able to look at the other man, and he doesn't want to, fearing what he will see... he's stunned when two dark brown eyes are looking back at him. Magnus looks like himself again if pale and stricken._

“ _Magnus?” He's startled at the sound of his own voice, audible to his own ears again, but faint and full of hurt._

_Magnus doesn't respond, doesn't move, doesn't even blink. Alec feels chills washing over his body, something squashing his heartbeat and ability to breathe. Is he...? He can't be... He's not... No, no, no! He mustn't even think it!!_

“ _Magnus?” Silence._

“ _Magnus! Answer me! Magnus!? Please, answer me! Say something, or at least move! MAGNUS!! PLEASE!!”_

_He feels completely angst-ridden and powerless, a fear greater than any he's ever known._

_When Magnus suddenly gasps, Alec yells with the shock and relief flooding him._

“ _Magnus? Oh gosh, you're alright!” Tears are flooding his eyes and he blinks furiously not to lose sight of the other man._

“ _Alexander...help...me.” Alec's mouth opens, eyes dilating in sheer horror as the scene unfolds before him._

_Alec watches as the skin upon Magnus' arm is peeled slowly from his wrist to his elbow, exposing bloody muscle underneath. More and more of Magnus is coming apart, from his flesh to his soul. And Alec can feel every bit of it in great detail. The burning of Magnus' insides from an unseen force, the stab through each lung, gasping for air when there is none to be had..._

“ _Please...make...it...stop.”_

“ _I can't...please...save...me.”_

“ _Alex...ander...Please.”_

_He wants to close his eyes, his ears, never again see or hear, never again FEEL... but he's forced to take it all in, blank despair and soul-destroying pain._

_Blood is trickling out of the corners of Magnus' mouth, out of his eyes and ears, as he's going through inconceivable atrocities._

_Alec's crying so hard he's in danger of smothering himself. He hardly notices the crack his wrist makes as he breaks his own hand, having repeatedly thrashed it violently against the restraint._

_He doesn't know how he's freed, suddenly plunging to the ground, spraining his foot but unable to perceive anything else. He's on his feet, trying to loosen the other man's chains, faced with eyes that are being extinguished of their existence._

“ _Magnus! Please... don't die, please! Hold on! Just hold on!” He presses out between aching sobs, giving up freeing him eventually. He throws his arms around the other's battered body, soaking wet with his blood, crying into his neck._

_They fall suddenly, Alec managing to shield Magnus' body with his own. He pulls the wounded man into his arms, holding him as close as he dares._

“ _Please...Alexander...let me...die.” His voice is barely a rasped whisper, yet conveying the lethal ordeal he's experiencing. Alec just cries even harder, shaking his head aggressively. “No, nonono! I won't! I can't! Please...don't leave me!_

“ _Alex...ander...let me...go.” Alec screams in pure, heartless desperation, his tears falling onto Magnus' face, mingling with his blood. Magnus' eyes close and his body goes limp, boneless._

_Alec's scream is beastly, resounding eternally in the vast blackness._

* * *

 

“Hold him down! He's going to hurt himself again!” Isabelle's voice is frantic as she and Clary are trying to keep her brother's thrashing body on the couch. They still can't believe he actually broke his hand, but Jace felt it, he felt  _so much_  of it, at one point when Alec had screamed so unnaturally, consumed by all corroding mourning, he had passed out, no longer capable of coping.

 

At the start of the dream, Jace had felt bliss, joy from his Parabatai, amazed that he was actually dreaming something nice for a change, but it quickly turned into the most excruciating mental and physical ordeal they had ever experienced. Hours of it.

After all the pain, mind games and abuse he'd been through, Jace couldn't ever have imagined for something to feel even more gruesome, but this ferocious torture of Alec's body and mind and therefore his own, was beyond the realm of imagination and reason. He was numb with the realization that he would never find a way to make sense of it, to even speak of it, inept of finding words that would slightly come close...

“Where's Magnus?! I think he's waking up!” Isabelle is staring intently at her brother's face, his body finally still, too still after hours of involuntary physical burden while its owner's mind was trapped in hell.

Magnus had left after witnessing that  _scream_ , not able to, not  _wanting_  to watch more of this unfathomable torture without being able to do anything at all. He knows he's selfish, he knows he owes him so much more, he knows he's a pathetic excuse for a half-human and supposed powerful half-demon, he  _knows_. But he  _can't_  bear it.

To somehow excuse his cowardice he's cooking up a healing potion Catarina taught him that will maybe help ease some of Alexander's pain, and Jace's, once he regained consciousness. Magnus has never dared to even attempt interfering with his own magic while Alexander was confined to the terror in his mind, fearing that the damage that could cause would be irreversible... though, by now, he doesn't think that's even possible. It couldn't get any worse, this is already it.

Everyone's holding their hurtful breaths, staring at their brother and friend as his eyes slowly open, gauging whether he recognizes them, whether he knows where he is and that the nightmare is over, whether he's even in a state of mind to do so.

Alec's confused, light-headed, wondering why he sees his sister and brother and Clary down there, bending over someone's body. He stretches his neck so he can see who it is... startling with the shock of seeing his own face. How can he be down there... and up here at the same time? And where is Magnus?!

Everything is clouded, grey. His sight as much as his senses. He's vaguely aware of people, of a throbbing pain in his right hand, of clothes sticking to his skin. He doesn't care, it all doesn't really matter. He wants to stay like this, not caring, not really feeling much, not thinking... but there's something bubbling up in him, a heated sensation, forcing its way through his innards, into his brain, electrifying it.

A white hot panic is threatening to cut off every essential part of him he needs to live.

“Watch out, he'll start again!” Jace yells, grabbing Alec's legs while Isabelle and Clary once again are guarding his upper body with their own, trying to hold him down and keep him unharmed.

Alec's body is jerking without his doing, without his knowledge, tears overflowing and sobs rattling his chest, as he's gasping for air he doesn't seem to have any longer. All he can see before his eyes is one single, earth-shattering image. Magnus. Dead.

“No, no! Nonononono! Please...no...no...please...help...no....oh no, nonono...Magnus!!! NOOO!!” The force of his scream combined with the enormity with which his body is leaping upwards throws the women off him. There is no way they could calm him now.

Magnus who was about to bring the finished potion, freezes horrified at hearing his own name, yelled with such agony from his Alexander. He drops the mug uncaringly and rushes to the living-room, even more shocked at the sight before him.

Alec's fighting all three of them off vigorously, as they're trying to calm him with words as much as keeping him from completely losing it and doing more damage to himself. “Magnus!” Clary shouts at him as she spots him and he's suddenly right there, taking Isabelle's place, grabbing Alec's hand and waiting frighteningly until Alec's tormented, panicked eyes settle on his own.

“I'm right here, Alexander, I'm right here.” Magnus doesn't understand, why would he scream, and  _like that,_  for him? What happened to emit this whole new level of panic and anxiety? Why can he never do anything...?

But the moment Alec recognizes him, he's quieting down, staring at the warlock intently, but is still, only the grip he has on Magnus' hand that is threatening to break a few bones evidence of his ongoing distress.

Magnus is murmuring soothingly, out of his depth why any of it is happening, but prepared to be here and do whatever he can, for however long Alec will need him to. He snaps his free fingers, holding a fresh cup with the potion, bringing it to Alec's lips.

“Drink this, it will make you feel a little better.” He watches, the remains of his heart breaking once more, as Alec empties the cup and lets Magnus push him down again gently, but he's not letting go of his hand, not even slightly.

Magnus snaps his fingers again and holds out another cup to Jace who doesn't even inquire what it might be, just drinks it eagerly at the prospect of feeling any kind of relief.

While Alec keeps watching Magnus' face as if it were the only thing keeping him in this world, Magnus keeps talking to him quietly, healing his broken hand. His three friends watch in silence.

The potion takes effect in calming both Parabatai down, suppressing their turmoil to an extent, without endangering Alec to fall back into perilous oblivion.

It takes close to an hour before Alec's hand is letting up on Magnus'.

* * *

 

Alec's freshly showered, sitting on the bed he's been occupying for a few nights, feeling detached from reality, or what he thinks is real. He doesn't know anymore, he doesn't understand a single thought. His mind isn't even strong enough to analyse and try to make sense of it.

He didn't speak a word, he could tell they wanted him to, get some kind of clue about what had happened while he was  _there,_ but he wouldn't.

He looks down at his hand, the one that was broken, now healed. Thanks to Magnus. Magnus, who isn't dead. He's alive. This is reality, the truth. Magnus is not dead. He doesn't know whether he fully trusts this, too intense are the memories of what happened in the nightmare, he can feel holding Magnus' assaulted body as much as he can feel Magnus' hand in his. What's real? Both? Nothing? Nothing makes any sense. Why did he react so much worse than before? Why did he  _feel_  so much worse? Why was it never ending this time?  _Why Magnus? Why?_

He's unconsciously touching his Parabatai rune, wanting, no,  _needing_  something his mind can't discern but seems to think Jace can provide him with. A minute later there's a knock on the door.

“Alec? It's me, Jace, can I come in?” He had felt a surge, an unspoken plea and immediately dropped what he was doing to find his brother.

Alec's watching the door stunned for a moment then wills himself to move. He pushes the handle down, meeting his brother's worried eyes.

“Hey.” The blond's showing a soft smile and steps in when Alec steps back to make room. They sit on the end of the bed, looking down.

Both of them seem to be looking for something to say, but when Jace is about to, Alec beats him to it.

“I can't... do this anymore.”

Jace feels ice cold dread in his gut, keeping him quiet.

“I know you felt what I felt, too much of it anyway, and I can't go through it another time, I just can't, I'd rather...” He swallows the words down, not needing to say them aloud anyway.

“Alec, don't even think that, please. I know it's bad, like, the worst, but we always find a way, Alec. We always do, you can't give up now, please.” Jace is placing a hand over Alec's, squeezing. It's so painful to look at his brother's shattered eyes, the hopeless expression on his emaciated face. And he might be lying to him, there might not be a way this time... but he mustn't ever let himself believe that, not ever.

Alec's shaking his head slowly, his shoulders hunching. “I can't even tell what's real anymore, or what I'm supposed to believe or feel.” Or explain the guilt quenching his insides with the realization of how much worse he has taken Magnus' death than any of his siblings, albeit those were over quick in comparison and he wasn't as brutally weakened yet. Still... he just can't understand it.

“Why... what was worse this time?” Jace asks carefully, expecting Alec to close off again, but he may be able to make more sense of it once he knows...

Alec is shutting off again, but then, maybe... if not his Parabatai, who else...

“It was... I was... Magnus... he was tortured... and died... in my arms.” His voice dropped to a grievous whisper, icy horror threatening to overtake him once more.

Jace can hear his own intake of a sharp, hurtful breath.  _That's why...!_

Alec's pain connected to his own is pushing him almost too far, almost over the edge of no return, wanting to tell his brother so badly  _why_  this nightmare was so much more terrible than the rest... but he cannot. He promised, and even more so, he could damage Alec so much further... and also Magnus. Confronting a fragile, violated mind with a truth it may not be able to process is a risk too great to take. Alec, without his memories of their relationship, may not even believe it, and if he did... then, him being Alec, he would find a way, if subconsciously, to make  _everything_  his own fault.

Magnus' pain and heartbreak over Alec having forgotten about their love, not remembering loving Magnus, not knowing if he still could, obsessing about Magnus' feelings and the pain whatever he would do or say could cause the older man, could drive him into further mental destruction no one will be able to reverse.

He'll have to be more patient. He will remember. He has to.

Jace moves closer, wraps his brother into his arms and holds him close until their bodies stopped shaking once again. “We'll find a way, I promise.” Breaking that promise wouldn't cause him any more pain than this is, and as long their bond exists and they're both alive, he'll never falter trying to keep it.

 


	14. Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Less angst and a bit more moving along to where it needs to go in this one.

He has reduced his breathing to the shallowest point possible. His fingers are clamped so tightly with each other they've started to go numb. He's been willing his mind into a state of hollowness, his eyes dull and unseeing, unblinking.

Clary finds him in the library. As soon as she enters the room and spots her friend, sitting perfectly still in the armchair, she can feel something ominous, some kind of aura around him, something that makes her step falter as a cold shiver runs along her spine and she has to swallow down and muster up new resolve before she moves to stand before him.

“Magnus?” She is surprised at how feeble her voice sounds in her ears, not wanting to let any insecurities become the better of her, needing to somehow stay strong and do whatever she can to keep them all together, to somehow comfort her friend who hasn't moved an inch or even hinted at noticing her being here.

He could stay like this, for a really long time, maybe forever if he tried hard enough. He's sure he's more likely to succeed at this than ever being able to help Alexander. This single thought alone replenishes himself with a penetrating soreness impending to consume him wholly. So he doesn't think.

Several more attempts at getting his attention have failed. Clary's crouched down now, a hand over his very cold ones which seem to be intertwined viselike, one cupping his cheek gently. The look on his face, especially in his eyes that are usually so vibrant with life and light and emotions, is filling her insides with fear. She has to get through to him.

“Magnus, please, just talk to me. I know you're hurting, I know it all seems impossible... but you can't shut yourself off like this, not forever. Please, Magnus."

Forever, more often than not, feels like it's over in the blink of an eye. Why and who is disturbing his one moment of feigned peace?

Clary freezes, gasping silently, as Magnus' cat eyes suddenly rest on her, not piercing into her soul, as they've done before, but watching her intently, as if they were lying in wait for something... preying.

She pulls her hands away achingly slowly, finding herself unable to breathe properly or keeping her body from shaking lightly.

“Magnus? I'm sorry, I just-”

“Why are you here? What do you want?” Clary can't remember hearing that kind of voice from her friend before, actually she's sure she hasn't.

It's so cold, making chills rise up on her skin, but looming with a dark promise of blazing rancor. She's shaking more now, slowly standing up and taking a few steps backwards, glued to the eyes that are following her, not letting her out of sight. No other part of him is moving.

She reached the book shelves now, trying to steady herself on them, trying to shake this fright in her gut, trying to address her friend, not... whoever this is.

“I just wanted to see how you are, maybe help-”

The eyes are piercing her now, swallowing up any other word that may have come out of her mouth. She can't remember ever having felt so small and insignificant, and she's doubting her ability to move at all, much less quickly, should she need to.

“I don't need your help, Nephilim.” He spits out and she watches as his lips move into a wicked smirk, making him look like she's never seen him before, a word she never truly thought of associating him with. Demonic.

“I'm the son of the Prince of Hell, I'm a destroyer and vanquisher, I can demolish a whole city, a whole people if I wanted to. I can bring destruction, despair and death to anyone in my path. I do not need your pathetic, worthless, insulting  _help.”_ His voice is laced with feral rage and repulsion.

Clary is paralyzed, terrified, only capable of watching this... creature she doesn't recognize, as it stands up, prowling closer like a big, wild, sinister cat, having found its next victim.

“Magnus... I... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to...” Her throat contracts painfully, her eyes wide with horror as he's suddenly right in her face, no, his head is right next to hers, his mouth by her ear, exhaling hot breath.

“Run.”

Her whole body flinches as adrenaline is pumping into her, forcing her limbs to finally move again and she's fleeing from the library, running until she finds the next room she can lock up before she sinks onto the floor, panting and shaking, trying to handle what just happened, trying to not feel so  _shocked and afraid_  and, above all, feeling so much anguished worry for her friend, incapable of fathoming the dire torment he must be going through, and all she can do is let herself cry, for all of them.

The moment Clary's gone, he feels drained from all the mighty supremacy and demonic powers.

His head collides with the shelf as he's suppressing a manic scream. He just about manages to divert the pent up desperation, pain, and hatred for himself into burning down the library, watching in gut-wrenching woe as the flames eat up every last book. The bitter, destructive truth is, he is  _no one._

* * *

 

“There's something I need to ask.”

They had lied down after Jace had promised he wouldn't let Alec fall asleep any time soon, and though Alec was sure he had never, in his entire life, been so exhausted, he didn't feel tired for once. Too much was rattling his brain about the nightmares and as much as he didn't want to, he couldn't not think about it, his mind desperately trying to make sense of any part of it.

And then he remembered.

Alec turns his head to meet his brother's questioning eyes. He feels a stab in his gut, for the first time really  _seeing_  the evidence of what their connection has done to Jace.

The paleness of his skin, the dark circles around his eyes, the lines and creases telling of inhuman strain and misery, mirroring in his blue and amber flecked eyes.

_All because of him._

“Sure, anything.” Alec blinks and forces himself away from these self-destructive feelings, trying to stay on point. He glances away, down, up again, rubs his fingers unconsciously.

Jace is waiting patiently, a feeling of dread growing in his stomach.

“In the... dream... Magnus...” No, it wasn't really Magnus! He bites his cheek for a moment and takes a deep breath.

“There was... something...” He's becoming more and more frustrated with himself and the whole situation.

“Did I ever want to have an innocent man tortured and... break our bond?”  _Did I ever try to kill you?!_

They're both holding their breaths, Jace shocked, unsure what to answer, Alec in fear of Jace's answer.

The longer the moment lasts the worse Alec feels, the less he wants to know. Silence is also an answer, right?

“It wasn't exactly like that, there was a whole lot of unfortunate things happening and you had to deal with a lot of bad stuff about your parents and Izzy and me, and... yourself. We all did some things we're not proud of, but we got through them and came out stronger and better people.”

Jace moves to be able to look properly at his Parabatai who seems frozen. “Alec, don't let some warped half memories get the better of you. Whatever you may think and feel right now, you're the most decent and honorable person I know, we all know, and we're all not perfect and made mistakes, but you more than anyone, made up for them tenfold.” He gently cups Alec's cheek to make the taller man look at him.

“I swear to you that you don't have a single reason to feel bad or guilty because of anything that happened in the past. Okay?"

Alec's eyes flick upwards timidly, barely able to look at his brother.  _So if those memories are true... I did try to kill you, too._ “Okay.” One side of his mouth twitches fleetingly to feign an attempt of a barely existing smile.

“Okay, good.” Jace moves to hug him once again and Alec pats his back, suppressing all he really feels to not let his Parabatai know. He's slowly getting the hang of it, at least when he's conscious.

* * *

 

He knows he needs to apologize, if she even wants to hear it. He went too far, way too far, and this time he didn't even have the excuse of fighting demons... funny, really, being a demon himself, and often worse than most of those braindead creatures. He should never have lost it like that. Alec would be...

He feels utterly defeated, seals the library door so no one can go in, he'll have to redecorate it sometime soon, and cautiously heads for the living-room, arriving just when Isabelle comes out of the kitchen, as well as Jace and Alec from upstairs. No Clary, his insides churn.

“Hey, guys, good you're all here, where's Clary, though?” Izzy inquires while looking at each one of them. Magnus swallows down hard, he could imagine in what state she may be...

“I haven't seen her since I went to see Alec. Is something wrong?” Magnus feels worse, so much worse and maybe he should just come clean, he doesn't deserve any better than all of them hating him after all.

“No, nothing's wrong, I was in the bathroom.” Clary's voice and then Clary herself appears behind Alec and Jace on top of the stairs. Magnus' insides feel as if they're reversing themselves and he'd love to just vanish but stands his ground and forces himself to look at her, connecting their eyes. The sympathy and concern he detects in hers are enough to floor him speechless.  _How can she be like this after what I did to her?_

“Clary-”

“Magnus-”

Magnus blinks, staring at Alec who had said his name simultaneously with him addressing Clary. Alec's look is insecure now and Magnus  _needs_  to know what he wants from him, but also has to mend things between him and Clary, if he can.

“Magnus, it's fine, we can talk some other time.” Clary quickly interjects, smiling softly at him and points her look at Alec to make it clear that Magnus should see to him now.

_How do I have such incredible people in my life?_ He's trying to express his infinite gratitude, though he knows he won't even come close and he has so much to make up to her, them, he may never manage before...

“Can we talk alone somewhere?” Alec feels a little impatient, restless and there are too many eyes on him again. And frankly, he doesn't really want to be alone with Magnus because it makes him feel too much, too many confusing and mysterious things, none of which he has an explanation for, but the warlock is the only one he can ask.

“Of course.” Magnus gestures for him towards the kitchen and dining-room, and follows after Alec, well aware of three pairs of inquisitive eyes on them.

As soon as Magnus closes the door, Alec jumps right in, fearing he'll become too nervous otherwise, and will only stumble over his words again and chicken out of it in the end. “I want to stay awake, you said there are spells or potions, whatever it is, I want it.

Magnus is very taken aback by Alec's not so subtle demand. Most of all he feels sick with heartache and preying worry. Alexander has never looked so frail and neglected, yet he has found the strength to ask him for this, to even look determined, his eyes, right now, the only thing that seem the same to Magnus.

How does he refuse him? How can he when looking at the man he basically worships feels like someone's twirling his heart out slowly with a blunt object?

“Alexander-”

Alec expects the shorter man to argue, but he knows the risks, at least he thinks he does, he just doesn't care, not now. He  _needs_  a break, some kind of brief respite at the least, to gather some strength and face whatever to come later... he can't even think of a later, there's only this pounding terror right now, so nearly pushing him over the edge of his remaining sanity, driving him to giving up completely. He can't do it, he needs help, he needs Magnus.

He holds up a hand to stop the warlock. “I know the risks, but I can't think about those right now, I just need you to help me with this,  _please,_ Magnus _._ ”  _If you don't, I honestly don't know what I will do..._

His voice consists of such frailty, Magnus isn't sure how he manages to keep on his feet, his jaw clamped painfully tight.

All tension leaves him suddenly, knowing he can't refuse his love's desperate plea, knowing Alexander wouldn't ask for something like this if he weren't about to lose any hope and give in to dreariness. It's all  _he_ can  _do._

“I will make the potion, but it won't last for more than a day.” He could make one to last a week or two, but he could as well murder Alec himself instead, he'd never survive in his worn state. Magnus is already worrying and going through every possible scenario, and what else he could do, especially after the potion's magic will run out. He'll have to contact Catarina.

Alec wants to argue at first but then he concedes, a day is good, not ideal, but it's much more than the few hours he'd usually get. And he must admit he is scared about the  _after_ but not as scared as he is about the  _now._

He nods, feeling a little bit lighter. “Thank you.”

Magnus conceals all the troubles wrecking him and nods, showing him a tiny smile. “Give me an hour.”

One hour? He can definitely do that. His mind is already fixated on the idea of feeling some liberation at last, sending excited hormones into his body.

“I'll wait with the others.”

Magnus watches him leave with one more burden weighing on his soul.

After talking to Catarina he feels slightly reassured. She gave him a few instructions on how to, hopefully, lessen the repercussion of the potion, so Alec won't be completely helpless and out of it, at least not for longer than absolutely necessary. He also found out that she's also gone into hiding and that Ragnor left over a day ago and she hasn't heard from him again for over 12 hours. Magnus immediately tries to call him and after not getting an answer, sends him a text to call him back immediately. He's not overly worried yet, and he cannot leave here now, but Ragnor better be fine and contact him soon.

 

They're watching the first episode of Sense8 (Simon had introduced Izzy to it and she got totally hooked, never having seen anything remotely like it and told Magnus about it all excitedly, just to find he had already watched the whole season, twice, meaning to make Alexander watch it as well but in the end hadn't gotten round to it, yet) when Magnus emerges from the kitchen with the much anticipated potion. Isabelle has been watching her big brother subtly, not wanting to miss his reactions to the beautiful transgender lesbian couple, and, of course even more so, to the gay couple. Just because Alec couldn't remember his sexuality, it sure as hell wouldn't suddenly be erased! But all she could depict from his face was a slight, one-eyed squint at the sex scene and that was about it. So typical for her brother! She'd missed him inhumanly much and all of this was slowly killing her, but she'd never ever give up hope, she hadn't when he vanished and she sure as hell wouldn't now.

When Alec had returned from his talk with Magnus, they had all immediately felt a change in him, but even Jace didn't have a clue what was going on and Alec wouldn't say.

He feels the hairs in his neck stand up and turns to meet Magnus' gaze who quietly gestures to the cup in his hand. Alec's off the couch immediately and striding over to the warlock, trying not to feel too agitated but failing. He's nervous and scared of it not working, because what if the devil in his mind won't let it? But he won't find out unless he tries, and he will, it's too late to back out now.

“What is that?” Izzy had stopped the program and Jace is up on his feet, walking over to them, feeling rather suspicious and nervous, sensing Alec's feelings quite strongly again.

“A potion to prevent me from passing out for a while.” Alec answers before Magnus can. “What? But I thought you couldn't use that! It's too dangerous!” Isabelle and Clary stepped closer as well, watching the three men closely, frowning.

“It doesn't matter, I need it now and later... I don't care for that right now.” Alec reaches for the cup but Jace is quicker and Magnus hasn't anticipated the blond yanking the cup from his hand, spilling some of its content, holding it in a tight fist.

“Jace, what the hell!? Give it to me!” Alec's moving in on his brother, while he's backing away, holding the cup behind his back. Alec feels anger mingle with slight panic and fright.

“Alec, think about this, please!” “I have! It's not your decision! I thought you of all people would get it!” Jace goes a little pale at having Alec antagonized, detecting disbelief and disappointment in his expression.

“I do, Alec, but you don't know what's gonna happen, it could be worse!” Alec almost laughs without any humor, shaking his head lightly, his eyes piercing his brother's.

“How could it get worse than...  _that?”_  Jace actually forgets to breathe for a moment being openly confronted with Alec's immense pain.

Magnus has been watching quietly for long enough, also he can't bear thinking about what it was Alec had had to go through in the last nightmare and unable to help feeling jealous once again about their bond still connecting them so strongly that Alexander even  _told_ Jace. He snaps his fingers and the cup is back in his hand, Jace hardly noticing, feeling rather intimidated and just so hurt for his Parabatai.

Alec averts his gaze and slowly turns back to look at Magnus, and the cup. Damn this!

“Alexander, it is your decision and furthermore I have made a few alterations according to Catarina's instructions. The potion isn't as potent anymore and the aftermath shouldn't be as extreme as it normally would be. However, we cannot guarantee anything, not even that it will work at all. It is your choice.”

Alec feels everyone's eyes on him and even Jace is quiet now, seemingly accepting this conclusion, or just feeling too guilty, he doesn't know and just wants this so badly...  _Have I always been this weak? Would the old me even consider it? Would he actually be able to cope with this? Why can't anyone tell me? Why don't I feel stronger? Why do I feel like I'm letting everyone down?_

He closes his eyes for a long moment, pressing his lips together and holding his breath before he exhales slowly, opens his eyes and looks directly into Magnus'. His brown orbs are too deep for him to comprehend, and sensations he still can't give a name are threatening to overwhelm him. To hell with all of this! He moves purposefully, takes the cup from Magnus' hand and gulps the liquid down before he can falter again.

It tastes like chocolate mousse which really irritates him. “I... modified the taste, so it goes down more nicely.” Alec stares surprised for a moment and he doesn't know what it is, but something about the warlock is so dear in that moment, it robs him of a soft, grateful smile.

Magnus suddenly feels alleviated, his lips immediately curling upwards.

The women have been watching quietly, in the end agreeing with it being Alec's choice and Clary had taken Izzy's hand, knowing how anxious she's been and reaching her other out to Jace, who slowly joined them and now they're all watching the two men before them, this beautiful, little moment, that moves them all tremendously and gives them back some more hope... he will remember, surely.

“Do you feel any different?” Magnus eventually inquires, knowing he won't be able to stare into Alexander's wondrous hazel eyes for terribly much longer without it becoming awkward.

Alec shakes himself out of... whatever that was and thinks about the question, trying to evaluate how he's feeling in comparison to a few minutes ago. He feels rather good, actually. And that is definitely a huge change from before. He nods and turns to look at the others.

“You actually look better.” Izzy remarks and the others can see it, too. The color in his face is healthier again, the bags under his eyes almost invisible.

Alec's limbs aren't so heavy anymore, he doesn't feel as if he were carrying half the world on his shoulders, either, and he's just so very glad. A day... he better make the best of it.

He takes it upon himself to cook for all of them, on his own, because he likes the work and it is just the tiniest way to say thank you to them all, not taking up anyone's offer to help.

* * *

 

 

Clary takes the opportunity to talk to Magnus who she can tell is filled with guilt and self-loathing over what happened in the library earlier.

“Magnus, I just need you to know that I'm not mad at you, or even scared, I mean, I kinda was, because you are really intimidating like that, but I understand why, and I don't want you to feel worse than you already are, okay? Let's just forget about it, I won't tell anyone.”

Magnus is shocked, even though her demeanor throughout let him know this already, but he knows he doesn't deserve her forgiveness or even her friendship and somehow it just makes him feel  _much_ worse, because he deserves anger, he deserves hatred, he deserves to be punished... he's aware of this being his own thoughts, his own twisted mind games he's fallen into because it's easier to blame himself for everything than to believe that sometimes bad things happen without anything anyone can do and no one to blame. He certainly can't do that. But he will not again lose control and punish the people he cares about the most, who are going through hell with him because they're loyal, pure at heart and care deeply for him, especially for the better half of his soul, Alexander. He can't do that to any of them ever again, or he may never stop hating himself.

He has to shove all of that away, lock it up, and just do whatever it takes to keep it hidden. “Thank you, Clary, I am truly sorry and I won't let it happen again.”

“I know, Magnus.” He feels her arms, her tender, yet strong body against his as she hugs him tightly and he brings his arms around her, closing his eyes for just a moment, inhaling some of her warmth and strength. He could do with an endless amount of that, but he has taken too much already from them all. He needs to be better.

“Ragnor's back, with guests.” Magnus suddenly feels his best friend's magic right outside the house and the presence of two others. Clary and he are quick to head outside, Isabelle and Jace who were waiting for them in the living-room right on their heels.

“Simon?!” He's the first person Izzy sees, a moment later wrapped up in her boyfriend's strong arms, crushing her to him. Through her delight at being reunited with him, she still feels someone else's eyes on her and as she turns her head and glances down, she's almost shocked out of her skin.

“ _Max?!”_  Tears are threatening to spill over as she quickly frees herself from Simon's embrace, who is okay with it as long as the reason is her little brother, and crouches down to squeeze the dark-blond teenager to her. He has grown some, but not terribly much in the months his big brother wasn't with them.

“I'm so happy to see you! Are you alright? Where have you been? What happened?” She's holding him back a little to be able to look him all over while he just grins and rolls his eyes at her eagerness. “I'm fine, Izzy, and I have yet to decide whether to forgive all of you keeping Alec's return a secret from me!” Her face falls immediately, guilt and regret taking over her happiness. “I know, I am so sorry, Max, mom and dad... but we should have told you anyway.”

“It's okay, Izzy, our parents told me what happened and at least I'm here now. They're still imprisoned by The Clave.”

“What?!”

“Okay, everyone slow down and let the newcomers fill us in.” Magnus looks at Ragnor and Simon expectantly, also happy to see them, especially Max, well, but concerned to learn about recent happenings.

“The Clave have gone mental, ignoring their own laws and basically running rampant. They've been arresting anyone who they think might have any clue about Alec's whereabouts. Luke, Raphael and Jocelyn have brought whoever they could to safety but enough allies have been captured and are being interrogated in Idris. Lydia has been helping me gathering information, seemingly the only one not taking part in The Clave's insanity, but unfortunately she was captured and we couldn't get to her. She told Simon where the Lightwoods were held and he managed to rescue Max when I caught up with him. We also saw Maryse but she stayed behind with her husband, making us promise to keep Max safe.”

Simon nods gravely. “I also saw that warlock again, the one that put that spell on Alec. She's actually from Romania and rather unpleasant. But Lydia said her spell should be dormant by now. They were able to track Alec through her magic before, until they lost him.”

So, if they hadn't found the safehouse... if the spell hadn't worked, they would have been screwed! Magnus feels a rather huge sense of relief. Especially about the prospect of Alexander being able to use portals again.

Isabelle is hugging Max again before Clary and Jace sweep in to welcome him, having hugged their vampire friend and she takes Simon aside, thanking him with a kiss he won't forget for saving her little brother.

Magnus lets everything sink in while watching everyone's reunion fondly, also feeling an extreme, cutting ache in his chest.

They will have to figure something out to-

Surprised he glances down where a small body has wrapped itself around his waist. Max... he perches to be able to hug the boy back, feeling sadly touched. Max closes his arms around Magnus' neck and whispers into his ear. “Don't worry, I know, and he's always a bit slow with emotions but he'll remember.”

Magnus can't but stare dumbstruck at the boy who just grins and winks at him before letting go. “So, where is my big brother? I came all the way to  _Texas_ to see him most of all!” He stems his hands on his hips impatiently.

“I'm right here.”

Seven heads turn simultaneously, mouths agape, not even Jace having felt in all this tumult that his Parabatai had joined them. For them, he's standing right in the doorway of the house, Simon and Max see him amidst the open wilderness.

Max's face lights up with unbound happiness and he runs towards him but halts in front of him, looking up, observing him thoroughly. “You look kind of run down.”

Alec blinks surprised, unable to suppress a little crooked smile. “I just haven't been sleeping that well.” He's overly glad that he drank Magnus' potion now, he can't think what Max would have commented otherwise...

Max nods earnestly. “Do you remember me at all?” He's putting more bravado into his voice than he feels, not wanting his big brother to feel bad about it, but also hoping that maybe he would...

Alec crouches down, now looking up slightly at the boy. “Yes, a little.” And finally he has proof right before his eyes that his little brother is fine!

Max's smile splits his face and he leaps into Alec's arms who is holding his breath but exhales with such relief when his arms close around his brother's small frame. Now he understands why giving up can never again be an option.

Isabelle can't hold back her tears any longer, subconsciously having waited for exactly this moment. Max had taken Alec's disappearance extremely hard, but not letting it show. Or rather, showing it in insubordinations and rebellious, sometimes rather dangerous actions that got him suspended from the Mumbai Institute in the end, as his tutors and teachers refused to continue with his education.

Their parents, Izzy nor Jace, hadn't had a chance to get through to him, either, Magnus wasn't in any state to even try, and in the end Isabelle had taken Max to an abandoned safe house, where they had stayed on their own, a week full of heated arguments and painful silences and eventually she had broken down his walls and he let himself feel all that pent up grief and heartache from missing his oldest brother.

She had told him how they had to stay strong and together for Alec's sake, because he would have wanted them to try even harder and become even better people and Shadowhunters and never give up. Max had understood and tried his best and was allowed to resume his education eventually. He had managed to mostly control his temper and emotions, for Alec.

Seeing them reunited in this moment... how can things not turn out good in the end?

 


	15. Almost Too Good To Be True

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very excited and very anxious for what's to come... not wanting it to but it simply has to happen so... here's more preparation toward it. 
> 
> As ever HUGE thanks to my Parabeta <3 and the readers!! <3

“So, where exactly have you been staying at? Not my van?” Simon asks while looking around him, puzzled at why they met right here, in the middle of nowhere.

“Of course not, silly.” Izzy smirks. “There's a magical safe house right in front of us, but you can't see it or go in before you have been approved.”

Magnus has talked this over with Ragnor as their first plan of action. They'll have to perform the spell again to make sure Simon and Max can enter.

“Oh, right. So, how do we get approved? Is there some kind of dare or task we have to perform?”

Jace takes the opportunity to wind up his favorite vampire, putting an arm over his shoulder, looking at him very seriously. “Yeah, actually, you'll have to dance. It can be any dance you want but make it good, because if the house doesn't like your skills, there's not a second chance to try again.”

Clary and Isabelle share an eyeroll, not believing Simon would still fall for Jace's baits, but Simon is looking rather thoughtful, as if he were trying to figure out what dances he knows and could do to get him in.

“Simon, seriously?” Clary pokes his forehead and Jace loses the mask for laughter. It's good to have him back!

“As much as I'm sure we would all enjoy your dancing skills,” Magnus makes sure to put as much sarcasm into his voice as is needed so even the vampire gets it, “truth is, Ragnor and I will need to perform a spell with you and Max, drawing from your strengths, but good news is that this time we have more control over it and it shouldn't be dangerous anymore.” He meets Jace's eyes who look at him all somber and sad at the memories from their first attempt.

“Are you sure? Max couldn't be harmed?” Alec and Max came over and the tall Shadowhunter is watching Magnus closely, not going to take anything less than a promise from him, one he'll have to keep.

Magnus feels insecure at first, almost as if he could only be a failure no matter what, but he pushes it aside, musters up all his remaining confidence and meets Alec's eyes with determination and serenity. “Yes, I am sure, and to make the strain on them even smaller, Clary and Isabelle can take part again as they didn't have any difficulty before.”

_Unlike me_ , Alec thinks bitterly for a moment but lets it go and nods. Clary and Isabelle agree immediately and Magnus and Ragnor think it best and safest to perform the spell right away. Alec takes Max to show him where to stand and explains to him what to do and then watches with Jace, both feeling nervous, sharing rather unpleasant feelings connected to the memories of this situation.

The spell doesn't even take half the time they'd needed and everyone seems alright. He's so glad Alec hauls Max up to hug him tightly. With anyone else the boy would complain and struggle, but Alec could do basically anything and he'd comply, craving the closeness of his beloved sibling.

“Oh, that house you mean.” Simon is staring in awe, as is Max once he's on the ground again and looking around. “Magic is the coolest, you'll have to show me everything!” He grabs Alec's hand without a second thought and drags him along, determined to be shown every single room by his big brother. Alec can't but indulge him, sharing a small, genuine smile with Isabelle and Magnus before he gets pulled inside.

Magnus presses a black painted finger to the corner of his eye where a tear almost came loose when he feels Ragnor's hand on his shoulder. “I'm sorry I didn't check in earlier, my friend, how have you been?” Isabelle gestures everyone to walk with her back to the house to give the two friends some privacy.

“Let's not talk about me, I'm barely keeping it together as it is. Thank you for all you've done, especially for bringing Max and Seamus here.”

“You do know his name is Simon.”

“Of course I do.” They share a knowing smirk. At least Magnus hasn't lost all of his humor yet.

“My biggest regret is not being able to help Lydia, without her we wouldn't have managed to stay out of The Clave's reach and find Max, though, I must say, but it might just be my paranoia speaking, I would have expected more resistance, there were hardly half a dozen guards and they were no match for the vampire alone.”

“So, what you're saying is you think rescuing Max was too easy?” Magnus frowns deeply, all of his brain cells on alert. He never did trust The Clave, not even after they became more... tolerating of Downworlders after months of hard work, negotiations and much fighting from none other than Alexander, who had been determined to make a change in the Shadow world, having complete support from Isabelle, Jace, Clary, Max (who simply adored Magnus and his magic and the cats!) Jocelyn, Luke, Lydia and many Downworlders, though not nearly everyone, too wide were some differences and too deep some wounds, and trust never came easy.

But Alec had never been so determined to succeed, not after saving himself, and rescuing Jace, and once more, against his parents' wishes. And he had thrived with the new mission, and Magnus had been awe-struck every time he had heard him speak on behalf of Downworlders and their affairs, always finding the right words to declare exactly what he meant but never offending the other party. (Such a stark contrast to Alexander being so shy and adorable and stammering, stumbling over his words whenever they had been alone and working on their relationship, which Magnus just found all the more endearing and stunning.)

After many long hours of negotiations he had finally succeeded in The Clave establishing a small committee – existing of exactly one member – to hear Downworlder matters through Alec acting as the intermediary between Downworlders, Shadowhunters and The Clave. He hadn't performed miracles, but he had still managed to further understanding and better relations between them, one tiny step at a time. Things had stagnated once he was gone, and apparently, now they were spiraling completely out of control. And Magnus feared what else The Clave would come up with... but giving them Alec was obviously not even a choice. They would have to just sit it out and see...

* * *

“Mom told me to give you this, for protection, and to keep it very close.” Max is holding out a small, maroon colored stone to Alec, who takes it and looks at it carefully. There are symbols engraved in it, runes. Protection, endurance, love, he remembers them from reading about that stuff. He can't deny having mixed feelings about it, about his mother, not exactly having had many 'loving' experiences with her to draw from. But she's his mother...

He slips the stone into the front pocket of his jeans and smiles at his little brother. “Thanks, Max, I'm very happy you're here, I'm really sorry for... everything.” He doesn't even know how to express all the guilt and sorrow that has reawakened with their arrival, and learning about what's happening back in New York. He's sure the others don't know, but he heard every word of it. And it's weighing on him severely. But he doesn't have a clue what to do about it.

“It's not your fault. And I know you will remember eventually, if anyone can do it it's you, and with Magnus' help, he's really very powerful, you know, and you'll both be just fine.” Max is hugging him again and Alec feels touched, but also something puzzling from the way his brother said it. He just can't place it. However, what he has, for once, no doubts about are his feelings towards Max. He already knows he'd give  _anything_  to keep his little brother out of harm's way.

They join the others again for dinner, everyone praising Alec's food and making small talk, for whose benefit Alec can only wonder.

They end up in the living-room, Max next to his big brother. He has basically been glued to him, moving when he moved, watching him as if he could disappear the moment he looked away, following him wherever he went, and so it's no miracle at all when he eventually drops, his head landing on Alec's lap whose hand is immediately stroking Max's hair gently. Isabelle wipes a tear away, her face lit up with the most beautiful smile. Actually, everyone is smiling at them and he feels rather awkward, averting his eyes back to his brother's head.

“Take a picture!” Simon urges Clary on who has just fished her cellphone out of her pocket. Clary must agree that the moment is special and wants to oblige, when she notices a text message she hasn't before.

“What's wrong, biscuit?” Magnus who hasn't looked away from Alexander and Max for one second, is still perceiving Clary's distress.

“It's just... I've asked mom and Luke if they could come here and join us, be safe... but they can't. The Clave is sending more and more demons after everyone and they don't want to leave anyone behind.”

The atmosphere in the room changes immediately, everyone seemingly sharing unspoken thoughts.

“So, we're going to just stay here and wait for better days to come while all these people are out there being hunted and arrested and hell knows what else?”  _Because of goddamn me?!_

Alec's voice is quiet, so he won't wake Max, but full of no bullshit authority. After hearing that he just can't keep quiet any longer.

“There isn't much we can do.” Ragnor speaks when no one else seems to dare.

“And how long is this supposed to go on? Do you think they will actually give up on finding me, or are we just all prepared to let innocent people be punished or worse for something they have no knowledge of and no control over? What about this Lydia person? She's obviously a friend and-”

 

“ _A forsaken wound often needs a little warlock TLC, may I? Free of charge.”_

“ _It's OK, I'm fine.”_

“ _If anything were to happen to you-”_

“ _Magnus! I'm good. I, just, I gotta-”_

“ _Go? Of course, you're a busy man, and I should find this Lydia person, payment upfront us just smart business. Where might I find her?”_

“ _I haven't seen her, but if I do I'll send her your way.”_

 

“ _Rumor has it you're going to settle down, get married.”_

“ _Damn it.”_

“ _Let me guess, not your idea?”_

“ _Not even close.”_

 

“Alec? What's wrong? Are you OK? What happened?” Izzy's right in his face, cupping his cheeks, careful not to disturb their little brother still sleeping. Alec blinks and eventually focuses on his sister, not a clue what just happened... except... memories? The first one of Magnus and himself at the institute, and the second with Lydia? So he knows her, too. And what the heck was that about getting married?

“I... don't, by any chance, have a wife you haven't told me about?” Alec's too stunned to figure out what he's feeling but Isabelle's eyes growing huge and hearing other people's gasps does not reassure him in the slightest. At least she quickly gets over her own shock. “No, no, absolutely not, no wife or girlfriend whatsoever, certainly not!” Alec exhales slowly, nodding, feeling fucking relieved. That would have been truly weird and many other things he doesn't care to even give chance to invade his mind.

Magnus literally stopped breathing, color draining from his face. Something had obviously triggered memories in Alec's mind, but him inquiring about a secret wife is truly more than Magnus can handle... and though Izzy is quick to quench that thought, he feels on edge and so unsettled he has to leave fast, get a drink or five and calm his nerves. Why the fuck does he remember  _that_  but not... It's no use, every memory is a success and hopefully bringing him closer to remembering the important parts! Like his damn warlock boyfriend!

At first, Alec wants to ask about Magnus' sudden departure, but he decides against it, having already enough of a mess in his head.

“So, you heard all that?” Jace inquires carefully, looking rather crestfallen. His brother just nods. “I don't appreciate you trying to keep things from me, especially those that concern me directly, I thought we established that before.” He can't help his voice sounding cutting, old anger at being lied to rekindling.

“We didn't mean to-”

“Don't then! I have a right to know these things, and-”

A sudden quiet groan coming from Max mutes him. Damn, he doesn't want to wake him! He's been through too much... everyone has... and just because of that thing in his head? He doesn't want it to be true! He doesn't want to have to live with that knowledge and the huge responsibility and even larger guilt and helplessness. He  _can't._

“Shh, everything's fine, you're fine, you're safe.” Alec caresses Max's hair again, talking soothingly to him.

“Alec... come back.” Max's soft mumbling is freezing his blood, threatening to overwhelm him. Alec just concentrates on his own breathing and comforting his little brother. “I'm here, Max, I'm right here, don't worry, just go back to sleep.”

And he does.

 

They were just quiet then and eventually Alec lifted Max carefully into his arms and took him upstairs to bed. He stayed for a little while, watching his little brother, making sure he stayed asleep before he left again.

 

 

“Alec-” Jace speaks but they're all watching him intently, all wanting to talk it out probably, but he doesn't actually want to right now. He just wants to... not think, and he's thirsty. He quickly leaves for the kitchen just to halt abruptly in the door when he sees Magnus, sipping from a whiskey glass, standing by the window, looking rather stressed-out for a second before he notices Alec and quickly hides whatever he's been feeling.  _Don't think about it, you know you don't want to._

“Uh, hi, I just... want a drink, um, I mean, something to drink, not alcohol.” He feels flustered without knowing the reason and quickly gets himself some water, gulping it down his parched throat.

Magnus, who feels caught somehow, though he's not even sure what of, just watches the tall man, relating to his thirst, just of a different kind. He could completely lose himself as he watches the movements of Alec's throat as he swallows, his tongue peeking out, licking over those lips that are made for kissing, kissing  _him_. He has never known true restraint like in these last days being  _so very close_  to the man he's loved unconditionally for as long as he cares to remember - secretly thinking at times he may have loved him even before he knew him, that fate, or whatever had always planned for them to find each other, deeming any other love interest unworthy eventually – yet having to stay so far apart it is physically and emotionally rupturing him.

“Do you know why the library is locked up?” The question comes out of nowhere and Magnus must resemble a deer caught in a headlight. Alexander's looking at him anticipatory and his throat feels suddenly too dry to swallow.

_Just tell him some story. It could have been an accident. Maybe you just don't know! Say something!_

He's trying the swallowing thing again and vaguely manages. “I... it was... my fault...I did something... stupid and lost control of my... magic and I burnt it.” Magnus feels utterly vulnerable and naked, and curses himself for telling him all that, but he's been lying so much... has had to so many times, he just needs to be honest once in a while, even when it is sheer idiocy.

Alec feels dumbstruck, staring uninhibitedly – the whole library burnt down?! - but he quickly catches onto the shorter man's hunched shoulders, the way he doesn't meet his eyes, the tight and regretful expression on his face, his usually graceful body language non-existent. He looks so small, fragile and hurt, before Alec consciously acts he's stepped over to him, his arm coming up to place a comforting hand on the warlock's arm. He wants him to know that it's okay, he's not mad or even upset, just wanting to make him feel better. His hand almost touches Magnus' shoulder when he suddenly flinches backwards, seemingly shaking himself out of something, leaving Alec confused and very irritated.  _What the hell was that? Why doesn't he want me to touch him? Am I being paranoid? He clearly flinched away from me! I don't get it._

“In any case, I will fix it and I will do it right away, excuse me.” Alec watches in even more irritation as he leaves. He rubs his face and sighs, reminding himself that he shouldn't even try to figure some things out, certainly not Magnus Bane!

He's beyond livid with himself, for saying anything in the first place, for being incapable of keeping his emotions hidden once more, for letting Alec close just to run from him because he could hardly cope with having him so near, let alone being touched... he just can't do it. He'll have to make sure to not be alone with him anymore. It's getting too hard to control all his flared up feelings and outraged desires when it's just the two of them. He could never stay away from that face, those eyes, those lips, nose, cheeks, chin, forehead, all of it so perfect, so gorgeous, so smooth and warm and made for touching and kissing. And he hates himself for thinking about this above all these disastrous events... but how does he stop?

 

Feeling bewildered with just about everyone and everything, Alec goes back upstairs to check on Max who is thankfully still sleeping peacefully.  _If only I knew what to do, what I even could do. How can I stay here and hide while all these people are in danger? Do you really want such a coward as your big brother who's supposed to be a role model and a warrior?_

 

 

He sighs quietly and tenderly caresses Max's forehead. His free hand is dangling, making contact with his jeans pocket, touching a bump that's not supposed to be there. Oh, he remembers now.

He takes the stone out and leaves the room silently, checking it over in better light. 

It looks the same as before, except when turning it and the beam of the light hits the protection rune, it's suddenly glowing. Alec frowns and turns it again, out of the light, it's just like the others, in the light it's glowing again. He runs his thumb over it and suddenly jerks, almost cries out with the extremely unexpected occurrence. He's shaking.

It's like a hologram, or actually, he thinks, that's exactly what it is! He closes his hand over the stone and it's gone. Damn, what now? He needs to find out, and heads into an empty room, locks it and opens his hand to check on the stone. It's just a stone again. He turns it so the light hits the protection rune, runs a finger along the glowing symbol and watches in fascination as the hologram appears once more.

And in it, his mother.

“Alec, when you see this, and I know you will figure it out, make sure you're on your own and hear me out, please!”

Well, he is alone... and now he doesn't really have a choice, he absolutely needs to know what this is all about.

“First and foremost, know this, no matter what you remember, I am your mother, and I love you and want to keep you safe! That has never changed and I hope you can trust me on this at least. However, hiding away somewhere you think The Clave won't find you may work for now, but certainly not forever. Your father and I have spoken to the council and we have made a deal with them on your behalf. All you have to do is come back, and let them help you! No one wants to hurt you, Alec, no matter what you think or what anyone may tell you. The Clave is as concerned with your safety and well-being as anyone, and more importantly, they have a way to rid you of this evil magic in your mind! I would never tell you to do this if I didn't have full faith in their words and actions. Please, Alec, you don't have to do this for me or your father, but you are our son, a leader and protector and for most of your life you have known this and followed this path, and I urge you to do this now. For your sister and your brothers and all the innocent victims in this. You cannot approve of their suffering, that isn't who you are! You're smart and compassionate and selfless and you need to be brave now. Surrender, let them take that thing out of you and you, and everyone else, can be free again, and all of this will be nothing but one bad dream soon. Alec, son, please make the right decision. Contact Alistair through this number.”

Digits appear in the blue light and Alec's mind is memorizing them automatically.

“I hope to see you very soon, Alec, I love you.”

The hologram fades and he's staring at the plain stone, thoughts and emotions running through him like a whirlwind and he can't grasp any of them.  _Focus!_

He forces himself to breathe evenly and go through one thought at a time, ignoring feelings, they're just in the way and Jace will know something is up if he lets himself be overwhelmed by this...  _Don't feel, conceal, don't let it show._ What is that? Another strange fracture of a memory? Of a song? He shakes it off, unable to deal with such nonsense now.

Their mother gave that stone to Max, hoping, or knowing he would find them...? If she knew... and she made a deal with The Clave, they knew... so they wanted Max to escape to find him? But did they track him then? No, well, even if, they couldn't find him now in this house!  _Okay, okay, breathe, stay focused._  He's sure Max doesn't know the stone isn't just a stone or he would have told him. Their mother must have thought this to be the only way to get it to him. Because she wants him to surrender... save everyone, get rid of that devil in his head and be free himself. That's what she said. That's what he desperately wants to believe now. It would solve everything and he wouldn't even have to feel bad about it, no strings attached.  _Can I believe it?_

But she's his mother! Even if she's not the most caring one, she couldn't but want the best for her children, for them to be safe. And he now has the means to guarantee theirs and everyone else's safety. He wanted to find a solution so badly and it just got served to him on a silver platter. It feels almost too good to be true.

He's just not sure... only of one thing. He can't let anyone else know about this. He thinks he knows them all well enough to know they would try everything to convince him otherwise. They're all so determined to keep him safe, it's as if they lost focus on the bigger picture, the greater good. And he won't even have to sacrifice himself! If he believes it...

For now he needs to hide the stone and think, but secretly and discreetly, he can't let anyone become suspicious, not until he made a decision. Though, probably not even then.

* * *

 

“Lydia said something else I've been thinking about.” Simon addresses everyone when Magnus joins them again. “She said that The Clave think they found a way to... extract that thing from Alec's mind.”

Magnus doesn't even try to hold back the snort. “Oh, but of course, the almighty Clave would know that when the rest of the world does not! And I'm sure all it would take is Alexander's life, but that's hardly any prize to pay for the common good, meaning The Clave to get their hands on whatever they think this is. What they cannot understand they need to control and if they cannot control it they need to possess it at the least.” Now Magnus has to control himself, his hatred for The Clave taking on a whole new level.

“Just make sure no one mentions this to Alec, in his current state he would probably believe it and at least think about giving himself up.” Isabelle warns, having her and Alec's conversation about this in mind, and she knows her big brother...

“That is never going to happen, over my dead body.” Magnus. “And mine.” Jace. Everyone else agrees. The Clave will never get their hands on Alec.

  

He doesn't know how but he's managing to stay rather calm and composed, maybe that training he's supposedly been doing all his life is paying off. He's glad no matter.

When he descends the stairs, he's immediately taking in how Clary and Jace lean on one another, their hands entwined. Isabelle and Simon almost the same picture, he just has his arm around her shoulders as well, and Magnus and Ragnor are standing by the window, talking quietly. An image of a sleeping, innocent Max appears in his mind and mingles with the scene before him.  _I could save them all, and more. How can I even hesitate?_

And he knows his decision has been made for him, all he has to figure out is the  _how._

“Hey guys, how are you all?” He joins them casually, mustering a small smile and sits down in an armchair. He realizes that he probably  _never_  asked any of them about their feelings before. It is high time he stopped being so self-centered and selfish.

“I'm sorry for earlier, I don't seem to have my temper in check that well, but I get it and I guess, for now, we'll have to just wait and see what happens.” He's cursing himself a little for sounding so nonchalant and compliant suddenly. Would he do that? Well, no, he wouldn't, but maybe he's lucky and they won't question him too much right now, nothing is as it should be after all.

Just as he feared everyone is looking at him rather perplexed, having expected more of his offensive and determined, if valid, character traits to make another appearance. He looks rather accepting of the situation and it is making them wonder.

“Are you sure?” Izzy is scrutinizing him and he feels how he's starting to shake underneath his masked exterior.

“Yes, Izzy, I'm sure. There isn't exactly much we could do right now, is there? And at least we're all safe here, and Max... he can't be harmed here, and I guess everyone, Luke and your mother and all the others, they can take care of themselves, and maybe join us later.” He feels as if he's acting, which is probably exactly what he's doing, but he started this and he knows  _why_  he's doing it, so he has to stick it out now.

As he glances at everyone's faces they all seem to really ponder about what he said and he's trying not to feel anxious. His gaze suddenly drops to the table, Clary's phone. He'll have to get it somehow. A wave of guilt and betrayal rolls over him all of a sudden but he manages to keep it at bay and push it down again. He's not doing this to harm them! He's doing this  _for them._  To protect them and to make sure, no matter what, they won't be hurt. Also, imagine this working out and he'll get his memories back and actually _know_ what's what and what's real and finally understand all those weird and confusing sensations and emotions... especially connected to Magnus. That would be incredibly satisfactory. Feeling bad about his intention doesn't count, he has to listen to his head now and shut off his heart.

He freezes as his eyes connect with Jace's and he's so sure that his Parabatai found him out and _knows_. He's actually holding his breath.

Jace smiles softly and nods at him. “I think he's right and we should try and make the best of it, you never know what opportunity might open up soon, and we'll have to be prepared.”

Alec is so relieved.  _Thanks, Jace._   _I'm sorry._

“Alright, but for now, let's prepare some cocktails, and don't worry, there will be non alcoholic ones, for yourself, and Max.” Magnus gives him a small wink, not exactly at ease, not even close to it, but Alexander's change of heart does seem lucky just now and he'll need to think more about a lot of things, and he likes doing that while being creative and drinking, sue him.

To Alec's surprise everyone seems rather fond of the idea, probably just to do something other than sitting around idle and staring into space and they're all heading for the kitchen, Clary leaving her phone behind.

Just as he's taken it, her voice suddenly sounds from behind him and he swiftly pushes it as deeply into his front pocket as he can, leaving his hand hovering over it and turns to face her, hoping against hope that she didn't notice anything.

“Aren't you joining us?” He nods quickly. “Oh, no, yeah, I mean, I will, I just... need a quick shower and check on Max, but I'll be there in fifteen tops.” His heart is hammering in his chest.

She smiles softly. “Alright, don't keep us waiting.” He quickly shakes his head, making sure he looks sincere and exhales deeply once she's gone. He totally sucks at sneaking around, but he got lucky again.

He's glad he made up a plan in his mind already so as soon as he's upstairs he can proceed. He uses the phone's GPS to track their location and checks the nearest border. Perfect. Then he punches in the phone number from the hologram but suddenly he gets another idea. He won't be able to explain anything to them, he already knows that, but he can do one thing.

He quickly tapes himself with the video function and saves the video. Then he takes a deep breath, calms himself as much as possible and calls the number. It doesn't ring twice before someone picks up. He recognizes the voice. Alec's determined to do this on his terms and he needn't argue. Alistair will meet him at the border in a few hours and he reassures him, just like his mother, that no one will come to any harm, especially not Alec himself. There is still a small voice somewhere inside him that is warning him, but he has to ignore it to do this. He has to ignore everything that could get in the way. He  _must_!

After he ends the call he feels lighter, there is no going back now, and he did the right thing for his family and friends, and all those people. It will be fine.

He then figures out how to send the video message at about the time he's supposed to meet Alistair, so there's no risk of anyone finding it sooner, and after a moment of wondering he sets it to be send to Magnus. Then he deletes the video and the call, quickly dresses something else so they won't question his shower story, checks on Max, and heads downstairs, leaving the phone on the table before he joins the others in the kitchen. He'll have to keep the act going for a few more hours now, then, soon, everything will be back to normal, and they'll forgive him. He hopes.

 


	16. Storm Approaching

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I'm posting this now because it is kind of the end of that part in the story... this is much shorter but it's just right to end it there, and it took a lot out of me, emotionally, to write this part. Much more than I expected but I guess I'm just too attached to this and I wish I could show you the movie in my head, but as I can't this is the best I can do, though I can't do it justice as I wished. 
> 
> Anyway... here it goes.

Thankfully everyone's quite into making cocktails and there's a ton of fruits on the table as well, Isabelle insisting on making fruity ones and a bowl of punch.

“What are you guys doing?” All heads turn with the arrival of Max, still looking rather sleepy, rubbing his eyes and immediately brightening up at seeing the fruits (he loves them, all of them, except grapefruit) and Alec and everyone seemingly in a good mood.

“Hey sleepyhead, we're making drinks for everyone, what do you want?” Izzy.

Max first heads to where Alec is seated and hugs him, enjoying his brother's strong squeeze and then he settles down next to him. “All of that.” He's pointing towards the cut fruits on a plate in front of him before he starts digging in. Alec can't but genuinely smile at his little brother.

Everyone's staring for a moment too long, all knowing and having seen those smiles of his that literally light up a whole room and change the atmosphere, making him breathtakingly beautiful, but they haven't in a very long time and weren't sure if they ever again would.

Ragnor actually takes Magnus by his shoulders to turn him around to conceal the way he's been staring at Alec, mouth agape and eyes huge and glistening, showing so many unguarded emotions of adoration, love and longing, it would be almost impossible to explain them away. Luckily Alec seems to have only eyes for Max.

Magnus feels shot or stabbed or punched so hard he's fighting for his breath, blinking furiously to keep those many unshed tears inside. That smile is too much for him, too unexpected, too gorgeous, too much of a reminder of what he lost. Clary noticed his dismay and is quick to start a conversation including the others to distract from Magnus' inner battle. After a couple of minutes he managed to calm himself enough to breathe properly again. He quickly downs a strong cocktail and shakes the remaining prickling sensations off, that image of Alexander will stay with him for all eternity, though. Like tens of thousands more.

* * *

 

They've stayed in the kitchen, playing card games. But he has trouble concentrating. Alec's mind seems to want to unleash today. Several bits of memories get loose throughout the next couple of hours, more about Lydia, the two of them being with Luke at some place, checking on a corpse that looks like a zombie, then he's at a morgue with her and she's talking about calling in Magnus for help, then they're talking about an alliance between their families, then Jace is pointing at him, calling out a warning before he vanishes in a portal with a mean looking bald guy, and Clary loses it, he's holding a baby, Max? He's giving his little brother a piggyback ride, he's fighting some boy, breaking his nose. Then he's back at the institute, using his stele to hide some card with a cup, Clary's thanking him but he's telling her not to misread this for friendship, back to Lydia telling him about her lost love, back to the institute with another Shadowhunter... Hodge? Then he's working the punching bag and Magnus suddenly appears, suggesting him to live for himself and follow his heart...

Bits and pieces about everyone and nothing he really understands. His mind is on overload and he can't begin to analyze one scene when the next jumps right in, giving him a bad headache. He's trying not to let any of that show this time, not wanting to draw more attention than necessary. Jace has been giving him strange looks as it is but he just shook his head and continued playing somehow.

He'll also have to leave soon. It's so real suddenly, he feels kicked in the gut, and a little sick, also he's starting to feel the potion's magic fade, slowly, but surely.

Probably high time he left anyway. It's done. He can't go back on his word, even if he wanted to. And looking at each of the people around him, he would never forgive himself if he did let them down. They'll be protected here and they'll have each other. He better do this.

All eyes are on him again as he gets off his chair. “Are you okay? You look bad.” Max is definitely concerned, and honest. Alec musters a smile and ruffles his dark-blond hair. “Nah, just a bit tired and I need to go to the bathroom, don't mind me and take over for me, will you?”

“Alright, but come back soon!” Max slides over onto his chair. Alec swallows painfully, forcing every unwelcome feeling far away. “Yeah.” He can't say anything else, he has to go,  _now._

All he takes is his jacket, the one they found him in. He takes the backdoor to head outside which is further away from the kitchen. He can't risk anyone noticing. He runs to the van, knowing the keys are still inside as no one bothered to take them out once they arrived. He starts the engine, hoping again that it's not loud enough to alert anyone and then he's racing as speedily as he can towards the border. It will take him about 20 minutes more or less, and then... he wipes away a few tears, angry at himself, needing to be stronger than this, trying to convince himself that nothing bad will happen, not to any of them and soon not to anyone else, and hopefully not to him, either... but if... then at least he'll know everyone he cares about is safe.

 

After about ten minutes Jace goes to check on Alec, in every bathroom, all of them empty. He checks his bedroom and others, nothing. He frowns deeply as he joins the others again. “Guys, I don't think Alec's still-” He trails off, staring at Magnus, as is everyone else, a chilly, awkward unrest spreading throughout their bodies at the look of sheer horror on his face.

Alec's voice is suddenly filling the silence in the room, coming from Magnus' phone. He got a message and was very puzzled over the sender being Clary, why would she send him a message? And a video at that? When they've been in the same room and she's not even been near her phone.

Once the video starts and everyone's rushing next to and behind Magnus to see, realization floods them like a shockwave, the most terrifying disbelief keeping them all glued to the small screen.

“Guys, I know this will come as a shock to you, and I'm so sorry for that, but I need to do this, it's the only way to guarantee everyone's safety. I got a message from our mother, and she promised that The Clave won't harm anyone if I surrender and they have found a way to get rid of that thing in my head, without endangering me, so everything will be fine, just trust me, please. I can't sit here and wait while innocent people suffer because of me. And I need to know that you're all okay. And I will be fine and we will all be together again soon. Please understand. I... gotta go, when you see this I'll be long gone, so don't try anything, please, everything will be alright.”

Magnus' hands are shaking so hard by now the phone falls to the floor but no one gives a damn. “Check everywhere, outside!” They're all running out, except Magnus whose legs won't work with him, he's shaking like a leaf in a storm and has to grab onto the table for support, Alexander's words resounding in his mind, what's worse the meaning behind them, and all he doesn't know, doesn't realize, doesn't remember... yet he's doing what he's been doing all his life, putting everyone else before himself, even if it costs him his own life, and Magnus knows Alec's not naïve enough to fully believe that story, but he's still prepared to sacrifice himself. Magnus can't breathe anymore, he may never breathe again. And once he gets his hands on Maryse he may just damage her irreparably. Or worse, he will kill them all-

“Magnus! The van's gone!” They're all back, watching him desperately, counting on him to do _something_. And for once, he can.

Seconds later they're all in the van, tumbling over each other in the narrow space. To their dismay, Alec's not there anymore.

 

“ _To us.”_

_They toast to each other, take a sip of their respective drinks, he's pulling a face, wincing at the weird taste._

_Magnus is smirking softly._

_There are gold-blond highlights in his long bangs, he's wearing a burgundy velvet top with lots of gold adorning the fine fabric, necklaces of several lengths around his neck. Glittery makeup around his eyes. His silver earcuff. He's quite mesmerizing._

“ _Why did you ask for me? When Jace and Clary were both here?”_

“ _Jace didn't tell you?”_

_He shakes his head while Magnus turns and walks towards the huge window overlooking the city. “Doesn't matter, it was a lie anyway.”_

“ _Are warlocks always this cryptic?” He turns more towards him, studying the back of Magnus' head._

“ _I'm not being cryptic, I'm being coy.”_

_Magnus turns to look at him again, stepping closer. “Let me spell it out for you, I wanted to see you again.”_

_He can't fathom why he would. “Why?”_

“ _Why'd you come?” Magnus looks rather hopeful._

“ _I'm not sure.” Too many thoughts in his head, nothing discernible._

“ _For almost a century I've closed myself off to feeling anything for anyone, man or woman. You've unlocked something in me.” Magnus looks almost... vulnerable, like he's not seen him before._

 

Alec almost crashes the van, gasping for breath, his feelings so intense with that memory that came out of nowhere, overwhelming him. And it's not over, yet.

 

“ _There's no conversation to be had, I'm getting married. You and I, we understand marriage very differently. I'm a Shadowhunter, this is about family and tradition, honor.”_

“ _Honor? Where's the honor in living a lie?”_

“ _What are you talking about?”_

“ _What about love? Even Shadowhunters fall in love, Alec. Just tell me you're in love with Lydia, and I'll stop.” Magnus is wearing a navy blue silk top this time, showing some skin, a few necklaces, dark eyeshadow, his hair just black but no less stunning._

“ _I don't know. Why do you keep pushing? Th, this is... y... you're confusing me!” He walks away but turns and looks at the warlock again._

“ _Confusion is part of it, that's how you find out if something's there! Emotions are never black and white, they're more like symptoms.” He's moving around him now. “You lose your breath, every time they enter a room. Your heart beats faster when they walk by. Your skin tingles when they stand close enough to feel their breath.”_

 

Alec screams and pushes the break hard. He's sweating and panting and his heart is pumping insanely fast.  _What the fuck is happening?! Magnus?!_

He doesn't get chance to think. He's here, and he can see Alistair and a dozen guards with him, also the warlock from before. _Shit!_ _Don't panic, just don't panic! It's going to be okay! You need to do this! Get your memories back before this drives you completely nuts!_

He takes a couple of deep breaths, rubs his face and leaves the van, trying to walk with confidence, willing his limbs to stop shivering. He's regarding everyone suspiciously, his gut feeling, his intuition, his common sense, the voice in his head telling him to run. But he mustn't. Alistair nods at him which he returns hesitantly and when the taller, intimidating man turns to the warlock she opens a portal for them, the guards slowly moving in closer, Alistair gripping him by the elbow and pulling him towards the portal. Alec feels numb with trepidation suddenly. He wants to struggle so badly, get away, just get away! He can't, he must not, he has to do this, for  _them!_

“ALEC!” His head whips around in shock.  _How_  are they  _here?!_ He's dragged through the portal forcefully, the last thing he sees are Magnus' glowing cat eyes.

  

They quickly leave the van and spot them immediately, they run and shout, Magnus using inhuman speed to catch up with them, in the last second being pulled back from Jace's strong grip on him, having caught up with the warlock in the last possible moment to rescue him from eternal limbo.

Magnus' scream is otherworldly and soul-crushing and Jace is hauled through the air for a moment before landing rather harshly on the ground, but he's lucky, nothing seems to be broken.

Everyone is feeling delirious despair, and they can only watch what's unfolding in front of them, unable to fathom one coherent thought, incapable of moving a single muscle.

Magnus' arms are stretched out at his sides, his head strained upwards. His blue magic is swirling all around him, starting a whirlwind around him, gaining speed and strength, the blue energy turning to black, getting more and more ferocious, faster and furious. When he suddenly turns, his face is a bleak grimace, his eyes dark, almost black with wickedly glowing yellow splotches.

Ragnor is as shocked as everyone else at seeing his oldest friend like this, but he's the first to react and pushes them all backwards towards where Jace is sitting paralyzed on the ground. “Stay together and don't move!” The warlock instructs and uses his own magic to weave a cocoon around them, to keep them protected from the roaring storm that's about to befall them.

“MAX! NO! COME BACK! MAX!” Isabelle screams in pure panic. Her little brother has gotten away from them, he's running, fighting his way through the angry tempest caused by Magnus' dark magic. Ragnor's keeping them put with his magic, scared of what might happen otherwise, but unable to do anything about Max, who has almost reached Magnus now, who seems to consist of just darkness, woven into the demonic, spiraling blackness all around him. Max can barely set a foot behind the other, the storm threatening to blast him off his feet, but he manages to grab onto Magnus' leg and pulls himself closer, clinging in a death grip to the warlock who doesn't resemble anything they've ever known any longer. Max pulls himself up, wraps his arms around Magnus' waist, and closes his eyes, the storm taking them both over.

He wants to give up his humanity, forever be freed of every pain known to existence. He's ready to give into the darkness in himself for all eternity, to never feel anything ever again. He's close, so close.

He barely perceives two small arms around him, a small body pressed into his own, desperately holding onto him. It doesn't matter anymore, nothing, no one.

Max. Alexander. No. They may as well be dead, all dead.  _But they're not!_  They're not... he can't abandon them! He mustn't... even if he will live entirely in agony  _forever_... he can't do it. There's not going to be any salvation for him. Not if he loses them now.

The storm fades suddenly, a breathless silence falling, everyone is staring in consternation.

Magnus, void of every drop of magic and strength, collapses. Max is still holding onto him, falling with the man onto his side, not letting go, tears streaming down his face, tears flooding Magnus' eyes when he opens them to watch the boy, overcome by infinite reverence and mournfulness. He manages to close his arms around the small figure, sobbing heart-rendingly into his shoulder.

* * *

 

Alec's distressed, wishing he could have had time to explain... but he did, in the message, but obviously they didn't take that as well as he'd hoped! They almost... no, they're safe... and he's... not in Idris, that much he can tell from being there once before. He has _no_ idea where they are and Alistair won't answer his questions, the grip the man has on him unfaltering. Alec can't help this restless, sinister feeling in his gut as he's led into a square, grey building and down into a shaft, along a tunnel that seems neverending, nothing but grey walls and grey doors, strange yellow light.

Again he asks where they are and where they're going, and again he's not getting an answer. One of the doors suddenly opens and he's led inside, the man's grip on him finally disappearing as he's left behind, the door locking from the outside.

There's a chair and a table, as grey as the walls, no window. One door.

He's not sure whether he's ever felt so unsettled, and he can't shake the foreboding that he may have made a huge mistake.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will need time and inspiration to gather my thoughts on what's to come now, I have a general plotline but I need to figure out details (my weakness) and see what I can work with and what needs to be included. So it may take me a while. 
> 
> Thanks wholeheartedly for sticking by this story so far. I can't put into words what it means.


	17. Forgiveness And Betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this took me less time than I had expected but my head needed a little break and now I have even more ideas... *screams*... whether that is good or bad, I don't know, you'll have to decide. I'm excited and scared for what's to come anyway! =)

Nothing happened, for an hour, maybe two. Alec has been pacing the small room, from wall to wall, sat down on the hard, cold chair for a time, picked up pacing again, banged against the door several times, shouting for someone to come and tell him what was going on, never getting a response. He is trying not to panic, not fully.

Maybe they've been preparing the extraction, maybe they've been letting everyone go which could take a while... maybe he is completely delusional and will never get out of this room again.

He stands frozen, his heart almost exploding as the door finally opens and Alistair steps inside, holding a small bottle containing a strangely moving purple liquid.

“Alec, sorry to keep you waiting, there are a lot of matters to attend to at the moment, I'm sure you understand. Please, sit.” The man gestures to the chair and Alec forces himself to take a breath again, calm down, and sits.

“Is everyone okay? You said they'd all be free to go if I came.” He doesn't trust this man, from the first moment he saw him enter the institute, this unapproachable aura, cold eyes, and every movement, every word measured exactly, calculated. Alec feels an icy shudder spreading all over his body as Alistair regards him clinically.

“We're working on it, but first, we're going to have a conversation, you and I, to clear a few things.” There isn't even emotion in his voice, it's just... sterile.

“What's there to say? You already know everything and I'm here, you can just get the thing out of me and examine it for yourself, I don't have any answers.” Alec feels smaller than he ever has, at least what he remembers, with that man towering above him, only the table between them, providing hardly any safety. But he's determined to stand his ground anyway.

“Let me be the judge of that. And don't worry, we will get it out, but first, drink this.” Alec blinks and stares at the purple flask.  _I'm meant to drink this?! No way!_

“Why? What is that?” His voice isn't as strong as he'd hoped.

“A potion to guarantee you will tell the truth when you answer my questions, that should speed proceedings up a little.” Alec's eyes widen in shock and he's shuddering worse as his eyes meet Alistair's unblinking ones.

“I... will tell you the truth without this.” He's got nothing to hide. And he'd rather not drink any potion which doesn't come from Magnus. Magnus! Those flashes... S _hit, concentrate!_

“Alexander,” Alec winces at the way his name is spoken so callously, such a stark contrast to the litheness in Magnus' voice, “we can do this one of two ways. Either you fully cooperate, or I'm going to have to make you, it's your choice.”

_Oh yeah? What kind of a choice is that exactly?_ Alec feels defiance grow strong in him, but he doesn't really want to find out how this man would make him drink this. And hopefully afterwards, they can finally move on.  _To what exactly, though?_  He can't let himself think too far, he knows emotions, fear especially, would get the best of him otherwise. One step at a time. He glances back at the flask, takes it and opens the small cork.

“Any side effects I should know about?” He's glad he manages to at least muster up a bit of snideness towards this daunting stranger.

“None whatsoever, and I guarantee the effect will let up quickly once we're finished.” Right. Has he always been so stupidly trusting? Or is he really just so desperate to believe what these people, his mother and Alistair basically, are telling him?

Deep down he knows he shouldn't have been so quick to throw himself into this. He has  _no_  way of defending himself, he's trapped and seemingly at this man's mercy. And he shouldn't trust a word he's telling him.  _But what choice do I have now?_

Before he can drive himself crazy he swallows down the purple potion. It tastes rather foul, not comparable to Magnus' modified one. He feels an aching pang in his chest, fluids behind his eyes, he shakes his head and tries to focus.

“Are you feeling alright?” Alistair's scrutinizing gaze on him hasn't faltered even slightly, if anything, Alec can feel the man's cold eyes bore into him more.

“No.” What the...? He didn't mean to say that!  _Truth potion. Oh shit._

Alistair actually smirks, and it looks like a grimace. Alec's trying his best not to tremble.

“Did you leave New York voluntarily or against your will?”

Alec blinks confusedly, not expecting such a question, but honestly, he doesn't have any clue what to expect.

“Voluntarily.”

“Why did you run? Who was with you?”

Shouldn't he already know that? “Because you, The Clave, sent demons after us! We weren't safe. Isabelle, Jace, Clary and Magnus.”

“Did anyone else join you at any time?”

Why does he need to know that? He said they'd all be free and safe! “Why...” It's as if something is winding itself into his thoughts, takes a hold of the ones it wants and pulls them out of his head before forcing them out of this mouth.

“Ragnor, Simon and Max.” Damnit! He really can't lie, not even evade.

“Why weren't we able to track you?” The man sounds like a machine, shooting out questions, unmoving and unfeeling.

“The... house's magic kept us hidden.”

“What house?”

“The... warlocks' safehouse, you can only enter if you know the spell.” He did  _not_ want to tell him this, but he has no control over his thoughts or his mouth any longer. It's a horribly familiar feeling, but this seems even worse.

“Do you know the spell? Who performed it?”

“No, Magnus and Ragnor.”

“Are your accomplices still at the house?”

Accomplices? What? He shakes his head quickly, pain shooting into his temples. “I don't know.” They may have gone back, he hopes so as it might still be the only place for them to truly be protected.

“Do you know where the magic in your mind comes from?”

“No.”

“Do you know who put it there?”

“No.”

“Do you know where you were for the last seven months you were vanished?”

“No. I don't remember anything about that.”

“Do you remember anything about who took you?”

Alec wants to say no, but that's not the whole truth. “Just... red eyes... and coldness.”

“Has anyone tried to extract the thing from your mind, and if so, who and why?”

His first impulse is to shake his head but then he suddenly remembers Magnus at the institute, but he doesn't want to answer any more! He presses his lips shut tightly, feeling cold sweat build on his forehead, the headache getting stronger, this invisible force in him becoming fiercer, eventually forcing the words out of him.

“Yes, Magnus, to help.” He's panting, holding his temples.

“Help with what?”

“Me! To get rid of that thing and return my memories.”

“Do you know what his ulterior motives were? Does he want to possess it for himself?”

“No, he doesn't... I don't know!”  _Just stop!_

“Do you trust him? And the others?”

“Yes!”

“Why?”

“Because... they're my family, my friends.”

“So, your family and friends couldn't lie to you and deceive you?”

Alec wants to shout NO at him, but he can't. It's not the truth. Alistair seems satisfied with that.

“Have any memories returned to you?”

“Yes... some, of different people and different situations.”

Alistair is relentless, wanting to know more about the memories, the safe house, what they did and talked about, whether anyone had any incriminating information about The Clave, himself, or plans to act against them in any way.

Alec is extremely exhausted once the interrogation seems to end, Magnus' potion must have almost run out of magic. He just wants to sleep...

But he can't!

“Please, can you take it out now? I will... I can't fall asleep again, but I will, very soon.” Every fiber of his body is already struggling against the cursed unconsciousness. It needs to happen now!

“What happens when you do?”

“I... the nightmares will return.”

“What nightmares? What happens in them?”

“The nightmares that come whenever I'm unconscious. I get tortured or killed, and so do my friends and family. I can't go through it anymore. Please, you have to get it out of me now!” Alec hates himself for sounding, for being so desperate, but it's taking up all of his last strength to stay awake long enough for them to do... whatever it is they'll do. He hardly cares now, he just needs it out of his head!

Alistair regards him intently, a slight frown creasing his forehead, which is more expression than he's shown all this time. That doesn't ease Alec's mind in the slightest, however.

“Interesting.” The man finally mutters, turns and leaves, and though Alec calls out for him and leaps at the door, it's already locked again and he sinks down against it, fighting the urge to close his eyes.  _It's all your own damn fault! You did this to yourself!_

A spark of hope flares up when only minutes later the door opens again and he just about manages not to get knocked out by it. There are two guards, grabbing him and hauling him to his feet. “What's happening? Where are you taking me?”

Why is no one ever telling him anything?! He can only hope he's on his way to wherever they'll rid him of that devil, and that it won't take long!

One of the guards opens a door, the room inside as grey as all the rest, but instead of a chair and a table there's a bed. Alec stares for a moment in disbelief, intuition screaming at him that this isn't the place where he'll be freed.

“No, please! Don't do this! I can't sleep! I can't!” He's fighting, pushing, kicking and shouting, but the guards are much stronger than him in his very weakened state and they force him to lie down on his back and strap his hands and legs to it.

All his screaming and struggling doesn't do him any good, if anything, it makes him pass out quicker. The last thing his subconscious notices is a device next to him, resembling a video camera.

* * *

“Magnus?” Ragnor's cautiously touching his best friend's shoulder, crouched down next to the warlock and the boy who are still tightly embraced, but their bodies aren't shaking from crying any longer. The other four came over, sat down close to them and are still leaning on each other, giving Max and Magnus the space they needed. They don't know what to say anyway.

Max's head moves slowly, his red, swollen eyes searching out his friend's. Magnus meets the boy's gaze hesitantly. He's like a dried up ocean and Max is soft rain, beginning to slowly fill and revive him again. “We have to get him back, Magnus. We can't leave him there, they'll hurt him.” A single tear leaves another wet trail on the boy's cheek and Magnus is shell-shocked before Max's words finally sink in.

He lets go of him carefully and they sit up. He wipes his face and looks around him, his friends are all here, looking as if they've been through hell and back, several times, but they're here, they're still with him. He can see it in their eyes. They won't abandon him, not even now.

Max helps Magnus up when the warlock falters, seems to still be stricken from using that incredible power earlier. The others get up and stand before him, watching him closely, so pained and still worried about him, caring so deeply,  _for him._  He has never internalized how much not only they have become part of his life, but  _he_  has also become part of  _theirs_. At times he can be quite dumb. A tiny smile is curling around his lips.

He's holding Max's hand, pulls the boy close again, bends his head down and squeezes him tightly. “Thank you, my friend, I won't ever forget it.” Then he lets go of him and walks straight for Jace whose eyes grow incredibly big when he realizes that, for the first time ever, Magnus is about to hug him, and after a moment of shock he hugs him back emphatically.

“I am so sorry, Jace, please forgive me.” Magnus is holding back more tears and feels the utmost relief when he feels Jace's arms tighten around him. And he knows he isn't just apologising for hurting him earlier, but also, even more so, for having failed to acknowledge how brilliantly strong he is, and has been his whole life, growing up with an abusive father and going through so much hardship, yet fighting it and dealing with it, coming out greater and better and doing his best to be there for the people he cares about, and he cares for Magnus, and Magnus truly cares for him, and not just because of Alexander anymore.

He feels beyond ashamed as he finally fully admits it to himself, but Jace has, for a long time, just been the annoyance that had this unique bond with Alexander that Magnus was afraid to never reach, he was jealous and threatened by Jace and would never let himself get fully past this pettiness and _see_ the young man for who and all he really is. Magnus is very grateful for having been given another chance in so many ways, and maybe once they get Alec back, he can work on forgiving himself.

“There's nothing to forgive, Magnus. I... I can't feel him.” Jace's voice breaks and Magnus swallows hard. “Don't worry, just magic.” That's all he can allow himself to think it is.

Jace quickly wipes a tear away and they stand back to look at each other in deep understanding. Alec has always been their one connection, their one reason to overcome their animosity and often petty arguments. They've grown with him and because of him and they will do whatever it takes to not lose him, but they have also grown to earnestly care for each other, and they finally get that.

Magnus nods softly, and looks at each one of the most important people apart from Alexander in his life. Even Simon, he'd never have thought to grow so fond of the vampire, but he has a very soft spot for him and his nerdy passions and his heart of gold.

They all possess their own unique kind of strength and _he_ is so much stronger _with_ them. They are all so special and important to him, and they could never go on without Alexander. He turns to Max, the bravest, funniest, cleverest and most adorable boy he's ever known who reminds him a lot of his big brother, and sister, and sometimes even of Jace. His family. They're all...

His hands ball into fists as his face becomes hard with resoluteness. “Yes, Max, we will most definitely get our Alexander back.” He feels as if he's healing just by seeing the hopeful smiles on everyone's faces.

  

Ragnor opens a portal to spare Magnus' recovering magic, and they quickly get what they need from the house, this time Jace makes sure they also have Alec's bow and quiver, and then they portal to Catarina and ask her for help, next they find Luke and Jocelyn and the remaining wolves, then they get Raphael and the vampires and when everyone's filled in on their plan, they all portal straight to Idris to basically run The Clave into the ground.

“Be sure to be especially careful of that warlock, her magic is quite extraordinary.” Magnus reminds his friends. “Oh yeah, I think her name's Rayna, like that singer from Nashville.” Simon suddenly remembered.

“Well, Sean, this Rayna can do a little more than sing us to oblivion, so watch out.” Magnus feels great with all the support around him, powerful, ready to fight and conquer. And his sassy sarcasm is back full force.

“Well,  _Mags_ , I know that!” Simon retorts smugly but his face is quickly wiped of it when he sees the warlock's gravely wicked look. “Call me that again and I will make you puke toads for a week, the very slimy ones.”

Simon's mouth drops open. “Bu... but you call me weird names  _all the time!_ ” He's indignant.

“So? Can you make me puke toads?” Magnus deadpans as Simon's searching for a comeback but in the end just looks defeated. “You have to be sure of your personal assets, my friend, only then can you play in league with the big bad wolves.” Magnus' eyes are sparkling brilliantly.

“Did someone call for me?” Luke appears at Magnus' side who's smirking at his friend. “Good to have you all back.” The tall man smiles softly and earnestly.

“Not all, not yet.” Magnus isn't even trying to hide his pain but he's also never been more purposeful.

Luke nods, knowing how grave the success of this mission is, every single one of them does. “We'll get him back, let's do this.”

They can all agree on that as Catarina, Ragnor, and Magnus start combining their magic to breach the building's wards, all of their allies dispersing to surround the enemies.

They did not expect it to be this easy, and for everyone there running around like headless chickens, barely taking notice of them. They all stay alert, in fighting stance as they slowly move in further, wondering where all the guards are.

“Magnus Bane!” Their heads shoot upwards. On top of the big staircase they spot the Inquisitor. She's staring down at them before descending the steps. “You can put down your weapons.” She addresses all of them, Isabelle, Simon, Clary, Jace, Ragnor, and Magnus having stayed close together, while Max is with Jocelyn at a safer distance.

“Do you honestly think we are that stupid? I give you exactly one minute to bring me to Alexander, and should you not comply we will demolish this sacred site of yours, until no brick is left whole.” To make sure she knows how serious he is, he loses the glamour on his eyes, blue flames dancing dangerously around his hands.

The sheer look of confusion on her face startles him and troubles him deeply, but he's not going to back down, he'll never trust anyone of these people ever again.

“I didn't know Alec Lightwood is missing. He is not here.”

“Don't lie, woman! You took him, Alistair and that warlock witch! We saw it! So, don't you dare tell me lies!” His magic is flaring up all around him, just about holding back from destroying something, or her. She steps back, a little shocked and frightened.

“Alistair is no longer with The Clave. He betrayed us, stole the Mortal Cup, and the warlock is with him, as are almost all the guards, doing his bidding. He has been acting on his own for a while now, deceiving the Council and manipulating us all into giving way to what must have been his plan from the start. They're not here and no one here knows where they are. I have no reason to lie to you, we've been doing damage control since they left.” The worst is how sincere she looks, but he still can't believe her!

“Tell the others to turn over every single stone until they find him!” If what she said is true... they could be  _anywhere_  and with that warlock's power, she could be hiding them too well to find. He won't believe it, not until he must.

They've been searching for over an hour when everyone's back, looking apologetic, disappointed and defeated. There isn't any trace of Alec, Alistair, or the warlock.

“He's not here, I told you. We've acted against the law and that shame will stay with us for a long time, but this is Alistair's doing. He's been obsessed with finding out what's hidden in Alec Lightwood's mind, believing it's some kind of power we haven't ever seen before and it looks like he wants it all to himself.” The Inquisitor's words are inflicting immeasurable upset in Magnus. His magic disappears as he starts to sway, still not having regained all of his strength yet, and Jace is quick to steady him. “We'll find him, Magnus, he has to be somewhere, we can track them all, one of them has to lead us to where he is.” Magnus meets the Shadowhunter's worried eyes and gets himself under control again.

He nods. “Let's do that.” He turns back to the woman. “Where are Lydia and the Lightwoods?”

“Lydia was captured by Alistair, I assume she's wherever he is, and the Lightwoods are back at the institute doing damage control from there, also everyone who was captured has been let go, as far as we had control over it.”

“I hope you are aware that this will have dire consequences.” Magnus is right in her face and relishes at the fear and regret he can depict in her eyes. “We've been deceived as well, he even sent demons after some of us.” Trying to talk her way out of this? No such luck.

“We'll be seeing each other, and should you hear from Alistair or anyone who knows anything about where Alexander is and fail to contact me, I will thrive in being your personal nightmare for as long as you shall be granted life.” He stares her down so there's not a spark of doubt left in her mind about how serious he is, then turns and marches out, everyone else following close behind.

“What do we do now?” Simon inquires as they're all back with Jocelyn and Max, who is trying his best to suppress his dismay at the absence of his big brother.

Luke hands Magnus something, a jacket, black and gold, something Magnus might enjoy wearing himself. “A. C., Alistair Clairmont.” Magnus' smile is nothing but predatory and his friends are exceptionally glad to see it.

“So, Stefan, does that answer your question?” Simon rolls his eyes at Magnus' sassiness, but is unable to hide his broad grin. “Go on then, impress us.”

* * *

_There is no darkness, no losing of senses, no falling and breaking bones. He's not even realizing he's dreaming. He's in the same room as before, grey walls, grey chair, grey table. He's alone, pacing, waiting, trying not to panic._

_He's expecting Alistair to come right in and interrogate him again, make him drink another despicable potion, but not this time, he won't!_

_He's leaning with his forehead against the cold wall, eyes closed, calming his breathing. A sudden, urgent cold shower is running from his neck down his spine, and he just knows that someone's in the room with him, even though he didn't hear a sound._

_He opens his eyes, his body fully tense and turns slowly. Upon seeing the person he feels puzzled more than anything else. There's someone sat on the chair, a brown cloth bag over his head, he guesses it's a man from the broad shoulders._

_He just stares for a minute, trying to make sense of it but nothing makes sense anymore. And he needs to find out who it is and why he's here and what's wrong. He hopes he won't find a dead man below the cloth._

_Nervous tingles spread in waves over his body as he slowly walks closer. Why isn't he moving?_

_His hand is slowly, shakily reaching for the cloth, he's holding his breath._

_He almost yells, jerking backwards, hitting the wall as the person moved so suddenly, shaking his torso, givng off a painful moan. Maybe he was unconscious?_

_He takes a deep breath and wills himself to move closer again, at least he knows the man isn't dead! He quickly pulls the cloth over his head and gasps in shock._

“ _Jace?!” His features soften and a smile is spreading, soon replaced by disarray._

_Jace is gagged and chained to the chair, but that's not what's confusing him. It's that look of pure terror in his brother's multicolored eyes, as they're staring right at him._

“ _Jace, what's wrong?” He pulls the gag from his mouth, or tries to as Jace turns his head quickly, moving his whole body to get away from him, unsuccessfully so but fright makes him try._

_He doesn't understand._

“ _Jace, are you scared of me? It's me, Alec! I won't hurt you! Let me help!” He moves quickly and manages to pull the gag out this time._

“ _Get away from me, stay away!!” Jace is panting, spitting, his face red with the strain, struggling even more to get free which is futile judging from how tight the ropes are around his ankles and wrists, but he doesn't even seem to notice._

_Alec is so taken aback he backs away until his back hits the wall and he steadies himself, staring dumbfounded at his brother. He really is terrified of him..._

_He watches him until he seems to give up fighting, his eyes piercing Alec defiantly. “I know you'll kill me but you won't get away with it!” Jace spits at him coldly and Alec freezes with icy shock. KILL HIM?!_

“ _J... Jace, what is going on with you? I'm not going to kill you! I'm your brother! Your Parabatai! What... who did this to you?” Someone must have put a spell on him, or something like that! He can't know who he is, he can't._

_Jace chuckles humorlessly. “I know exactly who you are, Alec.” He says his name like a curse and Alec feels knocked off his feet._

“ _Why don't you stop pretending and just get it over with?” Jace spits again, such hatred and fury in his eyes, Alec feels smaller than an inch._

“ _I'm not going to hurt you, Jace, no matter what you think right now, I'm your friend and I'd never-” His eyes fall on the table suddenly, more precisely at the dagger that appeared out of air and is lying in wait._

_Alec feels drawn to it, unable to take his eyes off of the shiny blade. He feels electrified, powerful, invincible._

“ _Liar! A liar and a killer, that's what you are! And there's your proof!” Jace shouts at him as Alec's blinking, pulling his eyes away from the weapon. What's wrong with him? He's not a liar! Not essentially, and he's certainly not a killer! Not counting the demons..._

“ _You're not even going to argue? Do you finally admit it?” Alec connects with Jace's hateful eyes again, trembling inside. “No, I... I'm not!” He's drawn back to the dagger, stepping closer, his eyes widening in bewilderment, shock, the thrill that's filling him up at the thought of touching it, holding it in his hand, and..._

“ _No! Stop this! I don't! I won't kill anyone!” He yells and leaps backwards but the room is small, there's nowhere he can go. Jace is watching him, pure repulsion in his expresson. Alec's cold and hot and sweaty and wanting to get away, out of that room, away from Jace who's gone insane, away from that dagger and this toxic temptation that won't let go of him, just seems to intensify the more he wants to fight it._

_Seconds feel like hours to him, Jace is quiet, just watching, the dagger is lying there unmoving, but it's as if something is calling to him and he knows he can't let it penetrate his mind, or something horrible will happen._

_He's fighting it with everything he has._

_Until he stops._

_The change is obvious and Jace notices it immediately, tension is rising in his body as he's trying to prepare himself for the inevitable._

_Alec doesn't feel anxious anymore. He stands straight and cocks his head to the side, regarding the man before him with a wicked little smirk playing on his lips. He feels good, so good he knows he's never felt before. He feels mighty, indestructible and fearless._

_With movements oozing of self-confidence and dominance he walks over to the table, reaches out a hand to trace along the dagger, his fingers caressing it tenderly, as he feels enthralled by it. What a beautiful, shiny blade._

_He takes it into his hand, it fits perfectly and he feels overpowering satisfaction._

_But he's going to feel even better._

“ _Alec, you don't have to do this!” Jace has suddenly lost his fighting spirit, his eyes begging him._

_Alec regards him amusedly, an eyebrow raised. “What, now you are trying to convince me when earlier you were just taunting me? You would have had more of a chance to plead with me then, but not really.” He smirks evilly and with one push of his hand the table flies to the wall, crashing against it._

“ _Please, Alec, this isn't you!” Alec bends so he's at eye level with the other man, moving so close their noses are almost touching._

“ _Oh, but it is, and you are right, I don't have to do this...” He moves to talk directly into Jace's ear. “But I want to.”_

_He moves so swiftly, it's hard to perceive but Jace can feel the dagger slicing through his skin, his flesh, blood spilling out of the wound in his abdomen and pushing high, filling his lungs, overflowing in his mouth._

“ _You...'re...a...monster.” Jace manages to sputter._

_Alec's smiling ferally._

_Jace's death struggle doesn't take long and when his head's limply on his chest, Alec cleans the blade on the corpse's trousers before he stands up straight again, regarding his work with blissful gratification._

_Now, who's next?_

 


	18. His Only Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty dark... 
> 
> Also, my Parabeta AlyxHavok wrote a scene for me for it and all credit goes to her concerning the blood sacrifice scene! <3 (and endless thanks for everything you do for me!!!)
> 
> Thanks wholeheartedly for any kind of support!

_To his delight the door is open as he pushes down the handle and he strides out, leaving the dagger behind, he just knows he won't need it. There are better things to come._

_Intuitively he knows which door to open next and he's a little surprised to find himself at the institute. Interesting. It seems to be empty, though, but he's confident he'll find something to do. Someone._

“ _Hello? Is anybody there? Please, help us!” A woman... he knows that voice for sure and when he opens one of the office doors he's met by two people, both chained to a chair, one of them gagged like Jace had been. Interesting. He wonders who's responsible for all these gifts he's getting, he'd like to express his gratitude._

“ _Alec! Help us! We were... I don't know! Someone did this to us! Have you seen anyone? Is everyone else ok?” Isabelle, his sister, right. And she's not scared of him? That is... curious. Let's see how well his acting skills are._

“ _Izzy? Simon? Shit, are you alright, are you hurt?” He puts on a concerned face, laughing inwardly at how damn good he is at this, indeed, and rushes to his sister's side to free her._

“ _Yes, we're fine, thank you!” She hugs him once she's off the chair and rushes to free her boyfriend. Alec watches, wondering how to proceed, he has no self-doubts, no sense of fear that they could escape or even overpower him. He knows they can't, they're completely helpless. He almost feels sorry for them... but nah._

_Actually, he wants to try something. He reaches out a hand, directed at his sister and concentrates and suddenly he's filled with strange energy... is that... magic? He can do fucking magic now? He's overflowing with joy, and power._

“ _Alec? What are you doing? What's wrong?” Simon, she managed to take out his gag, but he's still restrained with his hands behind his back._

_Izzy is just standing there, unmoving, staring at her brother in utter confusion. Is he doing that? He moves his hand and she moves with it. This is awesome! He waves his hand up and down then pretends to push and her body is flung against the wall, Simon's yelling at him. Oops._

“ _My bad.” He's moving her up again, she's like a puppet, disbelief written all over her face, and fear, but she can't speak and he's glad because the vampire is loud enough for three people. He waves his other hand towards him, imagining to strangle him and he's suddenly quiet, gasping for breath. This is brilliant, he can't believe how much he's enjoying himself._

_He's playing a little more but, apparently, he gets bored easily and surely there must be some kind of weapon about... ah, he spots it now, leaning on the wall. He lets off of them, hearing their gasps and cries but all he can think about is the sword he grabs swiftly and frees from its sheath. Marvelous. The things he could do with that..._

“ _Alec... what are you doing? Who are you? You're not my brother!” Isabelle is shaky on her feet, tears streaming down her face, moving to attempt to free Simon once again._

“ _But, Izzy, of course I'm your brother, don't you recognize me anymore? I'm disappointed. Wait, wasn't there a similar occasion before... Oh yes, I told our mother, I'm the same person I've always been, now everything's just out in the open. I used to be quite repressed, no? Ah well, can't be helped now.” He shrugs nonchalantly while still admiring the sword, pretending not to even look at them, but the moment she starts working to get Simon free again, he waves his hand and holds her in a strong grip, her limbs tense and shaking._

“ _Sorry, sis, but I'm on a schedule...” He doesn't know where it comes from, but he can sense something trying to interrupt him on the outside. Nothing to worry about, though. At least not yet._

“ _So, who wants to be first? Any volunteers?” He pins her to the wall and looks back at the vampire disdainfully. “You're not much of a hero, are you? Letting your girl do all the work, not that it makes a difference.” He's feeling impatient now, knowing there's something else he needs to take care of before it's too late, he's not sure why it will be too late, but he trusts his intuition completely._

“ _Let me make the decision for you.” He lets go of Isabelle who falls to the ground screaming, and before they can even react he beheads the vampire with one elegant, precise wave of the sword. Blissful. But only for a second._

“ _Gosh, woman, you're giving me a headache!” He's angry now, stepping over to where she's crying and screaming and grabs her around her throat, hauling her upwards, pushing her head against the wall. “No hard feelings.” He grins and watches as he’s strangling the life out of her, then drops her and leaves, again leaving the weapon behind._

_He's slightly puzzled to find himself stepping into a whole other place once again. Of course, the loft. It does make sense._

_Genuine surprise is showing on his face when this time, the person he spots is a child. His little brother, isn't it? Not that he feels any hesitation or even remorse to kill a child, but whoever's doing this for him, must be more evil than he himself. Oh well. He's just glad the kid has a cloth in his mouth, he really would get a headache from that high voice crying and screaming, his sister was bad enough._

_Still, where is...? Ah, bedroom. He finds the warlock he expected to be here bound with ropes on the bed. A special present for him? Well, at a different point in time... his kink is really just the killing now, though he does look rather delicious, he can't deny that._

“ _Alexander, what are you... you're not him, who are you?” Oh? He hasn't even said or done anything! Smart warlock, but they all don't seem to get that IT IS him. Oh well, it's not his concern. He uses his magic to lift him off the bed and floats him into the living-room, down on an armchair, next to the boy._

_The warlock seems extremely shocked and not believing what's happening, they never do believe it, do they?_

“ _Max!? What... let the boy go! He has nothing do with any of this, whatever this is!”_

_Let the boy go? He could, but he really doesn't feel the need to. He's rather enjoying the aspect of killing the boy right in front of the warlock, yes, that will be the ultimate pleasure before killing him._

“ _No can do, and, no, I'm not sorry. I don't feel those kinds of emotions, all straightforward pleasure in inflicting pain and killing with me. And I'm honest, letting you know right from the start, so you needn't wonder whether I can be swayed to change my mind. I won't.” He smiles angelically at the warlock who seems a little pale and unwell._

“ _Anyway, let's choose a weapon.” He claps his hands and looks around, surely he won't be disappointed now._

_And he isn't. His bow and quiver, of course, perfect! There's even his seraph blade, he really missed his weapons!_

“ _Why are you doing this? Who's making you?” The warlock trying to understand his motives. He sighs and walks closer, caressing the beautiful blade._

_He shrugs and meets his despairing eyes. “It's just what I do, I enjoy it, I don't question it. Life's too short for that, don't you think?” His voice is laced with sarcasm and he can't but smirk wickedly._

“ _Anyway, no time to chitchat, I need to get this done.” Something is definitely happening on the outside now, and he may not have enough time..._

_He quickly chooses the blade for the boy, heads towards him, grabs him and is ready to stab him when a loud scream is inside his head suddenly and he tumbles backwards, holding his head, dropping the blade._

“ _Ahhhh, what the hell! What is that?” He feels nauseous and has to close his eyes._

_When he opens them he's shellshocked to find Max and Magnus constrained and how did he even get here?_

“ _What happened to you?” He looks at Magnus who isn't gagged while he rushes to free his little brother._

“ _Alexander? Is it really you?” Alec doesn't get the question at all._

_“Of course it's me, who else do you think? Who did this to you?” He doesn't notice how terrified Max is as he frees him, he only gets it once the boy runs to hide behind Magnus, staring at him frightened._

“ _Max? What's wrong? Magnus?”_

“ _Alexander... you were just... not yourself. Something had taken possession of you, something evil.” Magnus tries to explain carefully, watching him closely, not convinced they're out of danger. He can feel Max working on his restraints and hopes the boy will manage to get them open quickly._

“ _Are you kidding me? I'm not possessed, I was just...” Jace! He killed Jace! And Simon and Izzy! What!? NO, NO WAY! It's just a spell, a dream... it's not real, it can't be!_

_He shakes his head, feeling numb, his eyes fall onto the blade he dropped earlier, his bow and quiver. Oh._

_He bends to lift the blade and the moment he touches it, he's back. That was weird, what was that? He's pretty sure that wasn't supposed to happen! But anyway, it's not too late, but he better be quick._

“ _Alexander?” Ah, was he his nice self again? Shame._

“ _Right here, but also not really, it's rather complicated, let's finish this, shall we?”_

“ _Max, run!” Magnus shouts, hoping the boy will have a chance to escape at least. But Alec waves his hand and Max is paralyzed. “Ah, ah, ah... not so fast, the fun hasn't even started, yet!”_

_But he's almost out of time! Damn, whatever is happening out there? That wasn't the plan! He's outraged and quickly steps over to the warlock, grabs his hair and pulls his head up forcefully, piercing into his eyes. “We'll meet each other again, soon. Until then...” He pushes the blade right through the warlock's heart but has only a couple of seconds to feel elated. Then darkness is taking him over._

  

Alistair and Rayna had been watching closely as Alec Lightwood had begun dreaming, moving about more and more, crying, shouting and eventually screaming his lungs out. They were sure he would have seriously injured himself if he hadn't been bound to the bed. Whatever that strange magic in his mind was doing to him, it was horrifying, and fascinating. And they need to know what it is and who put it there, and why. They wish they could actually see what it was doing to him, but unfortunately such a spell would require too much time and even more power than Rayna has right now.

When they heard Alec's primal scream they actually flinched and got the doctor to check on him. For a while they were scared of losing him, and they absolutely cannot allow for that to happen. They need him alive.

First they tried to bring him back out of his unconscious state with different injections and electroshocks, which seemed to make him only worse.

Rayna then took matters into her own hands, thinking that the thing imprisoning his mind would surely need him alive, as well, and would probably lose its power with him dying. So she slowed down his heartbeat just enough for him to stay alive, barely. But it worked. He was conscious for a couple of minutes, in a terrible state, and they were actually glad when he passed out again. They just hoped he wouldn't have another such crass nightmare. They were monitoring him now, watching closely for any sign of distress, but he seemed to just be sleeping for several hours.

* * *

 

Magnus tracked Alistair to Brooklyn Bridge Park, but that's where his trace runs cold.

Luke and his pack are canvassing the area, while Jace is focusing on his Parabatai rune, trying to get any kind of read on Alec, but they all come up empty.

“It must be a spell. They must be here somewhere.” Ragnor and Catarina agree with Magnus, but not knowing what kind of spell was used, they can't even begin to counter it.

“Could it be another safehouse?” Clary asks a little hopefully, they could surely get in there without much of a problem. Magnus shakes his head. “No, there isn't one here, and there are no magical marks anywhere, either. But they must be here.” The jacket led him here, so they have to be!

He almost forgot to make one crucial phone call, and quickly takes care of it, moving away from the others.

“Magnus! What happ-”

“I can't believe what you did, I don't even have words for you, and I sure as hell will not indulge your curiosity when Alexander's life is at stake, which is entirely  _your_  fault! Do you know where Alistair is keeping my boyfriend or of any way to find him? That's all I want to know and afterwards I hope to never see your despicable face again.”

“I was also deceived, I just wanted to-”

“I do not care for your appalling, petty reasons! Now, tell me what you know if anything or shut the hell up!” Magnus' voice is resounding loudly and everyone at close proximity is quietly watching him.

“I do not, but-”

He hangs up on her, takes a deep breath, having expected this to be futile but even only hearing Maryse's voice rattled him dangerously. He quickly gets himself back under control and stalks to the others.

Catarina has been deeply in thought when she suddenly strides over to Simon. “You said the warlock, Rayna, is from Romania, right? Do you know anything else about her?”

Simon frowns, thinking back to what Lydia told him. “Not really... just that she's extremely powerful and... Lydia said something about rare magic, that she can use it, I guess, there wasn't a lot of time.” He looks apologetic but Catarina smiles at him and nods. “That's fine, I think I know what we need to do.”

“So, we're all going to Romania?” Simon inquires after listening to their plan. “Not all of us, Shawn, just the important people.” Magnus retorts but he's not feeling it, right now.

He's too anxious and angry and helpless once again. It's taking too long, it's all taking way too long! His potion can't be working any more, which means Alec is either trapped in another terror episode, or they're already trying to extract the thing from his mind, and he's not sure what's worse. They need to find him, now! But this warlock really has outdone herself... and they, Ragnor, Catarina and Magnus, have a fairly good idea how she's been able to pull it off. But, in any case, they need to find her residence, what spell she used and then hope against all odds that they'll be able to prepare a counter spell, and in time to rescue Alec alive... He forces himself to stay focused on the next step, unable to cope with anything else.

“The three of us will go, the rest of you stay here.” If three warlocks can't succeed, the others don't have any chance.

“But... no way, I'm going, you don't know what might be waiting for you, safety in numbers!” Jace is desperate to be doing something, anything other than just waiting around, he can't do it.

“I'm coming, too.” Clary. “And me.” Izzy. “Well, if they're going, I'm going, too!” Simon. Magnus is frowning at his friends but frankly, he doesn't have the strength or time to argue. “Fine, whatever. Let's g-”

“Wait for me! I want to go, too!” Max is rushing towards them. “Please, I want to help!” Magnus is startled at the sheer desperate plea in the boy's eyes that remind him so much of Alexander's... he bends slightly and puts his hands on Max's shoulders. “I need you to stay here, Max, be my eyes and ears and contact me immediately if anything happens, can I count on you?”

Max knows exactly what Magnus is doing and Magnus knows that he knows, because he's way too smart not to, and because similar things have happened a few times before, but, as ever, Max is swayed knowing Magnus and the others will do anything in their power, and also, he likes being in charge, if just for pretense. “I will, and you better do the same!” They hug tightly, Ragnor opening a portal, and to Romania they go.

Ragnor knows another warlock there, which is lucky, and it doesn't take them that long to find Rayna's well-hidden house. The problem is the spell protecting it.

 

Catarina's seen it once before and takes Ragnor away to the side out of earshot.

“You can’t be serious,” Ragnor looks back at the others, standing at the foot of the stairs, “A blood sacrifice?”

She nods at him solemnly. Someone had to die the one time she witnessed it. “Ragnor, we cannot tell Magnus. If we do he will be the first to sacrifice himself.” Catarina begs her friend. “Please, promise we won’t tell him.

“If we do not, and he finds out another way, or worse, Alec is harmed in any way, we will lose him in a far greater way.”

Magnus is approaching them now, “Did you find a counterspell?”

Catarina nods, but says nothing. Ragnor speaks in her place, “There is a spell, but it requires a blood sacrifice, as well.“

“So, what’s the problem, I will do it.” Magnus turns and walks back to the group waiting for him.

“I told you!” Catarina hisses at Ragnor, as tears begin to form in her eyes.

“Okay, Jace. I need you stab me when the time comes.” Magnus is blunt, there is no time for anything else.

“What? No.” Jace steps away from the warlock, “Why?” He's incredulous.

“It requires a blood sacrifice, and I will be that sacrifice.” Magnus answers matter-of-factly.

“Nope! Alec would never forgive me if I let you do this, and I won’t forgive myself either.” Jace replies through gritted teeth. “I’ll do it.”

“You most certainly will not.” Magnus growls at Jace.

“Hey, guys.” Simon. “Shut up! Seriously, do you people not watch movies?” He steps over to Magnus and grabs his hand, then holds his other hand out for the dagger Jace has been holding. Jace doesn’t want to give it to Simon, but one look from Clary and he is compliant. Simon slides the blade across Magnus’ hand and lets a few drops hit the barrier on the house. It sparks, “See, like in Pirates of the Caribbean. Neither of you have to die.” He shrugs and gives a goofy grin.

“Catarina, Ragnor, quick the spell.”  Magnus shouts. Both of the warlocks are chanting the spell in no time. When the barrier falls, Magnus feels relieved. “By the Angel, Shelby, you were right.”

The house is old and big and there must be hundreds of unique, incredibly valuable items in it, but Magnus doesn't even notice. He's going straight for the smell of old books and papers, finding her library, which is way bigger than he had expected which means they'll have a huge load of work ahead of them, and they better start right now. Just one more thing to take care of first.

He opens a portal speedily. “Guys, thanks for your help, but this is warlock territory now and you can't do anything here, but you can help Luke and the others back in New York, so off you go, we have no time to waste!”

They all want to argue but seeing the grave expression on his face makes them give in immediately, he promises to tell them as soon as they find anything and when they're gone, the warlocks get to work immediately.

* * *

He almost falls out of the bed when he wakes in a sudden panic, not knowing where he is, what has been happening, for a moment not even  _who_ he is. But it all comes back to him, with a cruel vengeance and if he'd had anything in his stomach he'd have emptied it tenfold. A knot of bile is threatening to choke him. He didn't... he can feel the icy viciousness he felt in the nightmare, the intoxication, the satisfaction and joy of killing... he's retching, gasping, hurting so maliciously, he doesn't think he will ever stop. He needs a long while to calm himself enough to function. He feels utterly dreadful, filled with a sickness that is seeping into his bones as well as his very soul, and he doesn't believe he will ever be cured.

At least he isn't bound anymore, but his upper body is naked and there are electrodes on his skin, leading to some monitor. He doesn't even want to know! He pulls them off of his body and gets out of bed, he feels almost as weak as before when he wasn't able to even walk, but he manages somehow, grabs his shirt and pulls it on and heads for the door, but it's locked. Immediate despair is taking a hold of him, and he's hitting and kicking the door, shouting raspily and jerks backwards when the door is suddenly opened and a guard looks at him expressionless. “Mr. Lightwood, come with me, please.”

Alec's so taken aback he does as he's told, he doesn't have much fight left in him, and not seeing Alistair and just getting out of that horrible room is incentive enough for him. He's shocked when he's led to a bathroom where he can take a shower, and fresh clothes are laid out for him. As he feels absolutely disgusting he does take a very quick shower, and dresses in the plain black clothes. His jacket seems to have vanished, though. Not that it actually matters. He doesn't feel like anything matters anymore.

They're heading another direction and he can suddenly hear several quiet voices. As he steps into what looks like a dining-hall, he's pinching himself to make sure he's not still dreaming. It's all so... surreal... crazy... everything is just madness, but he's too despondent to really care. And he's definitely not hungry.

The guard stays unmoving by the door and Alec slowly walks to an unoccupied table. There are several more guards and also a few people, also in black, he thinks he may have seen before at some point, but they could be complete strangers, as well. Are they imprisoned here like him?

“Alec?” He turns his head to look up at a woman... “Lydia?” He remembers her. “Oh god, you remember me?” She sits down next to him, glancing around cautiously. “Some, I heard you were arrested, I didn't know you were here.”

She leans in closer to him. “Yes, everything has gone to shit! Alistair and that warlock basically took over The Clave, as ridiculous as that sounds, but there's nothing we can do about it now. What did they do to you? Have they taken it out?” Alec blinks, trying to stay focused but he's almost beaten, just shaking his head.

“Alec, hey, stay with me, please.” She takes his hand and squeezes it and he's forcing himself to focus on her face. She looks exhausted, kind.

“Have you eaten anything?” He looks like warmed up death and she can't find any humor in it. He shakes his head again. “Wait here, I'll get you something.” Before he can refuse she's off and back a minute later with a bottle of water and a bowl with something like broth. It doesn't smell bad, but it's turning his stomach anyway. He takes a few sips from the water and tries to take deep breaths.

“Alec, I'm so sorry, but I'm sure everyone is out there looking for you, they won't stop before they find you, especially Magnus, and we need a warlock or two to get out of here, Rayna's wards are everywhere and impenetrable for us, but Magnus will find a way, I'm sure.” She tries her best to reassure him, feeling scared for her friend who she's stayed in touch with after the failed wedding and grown very fond of, just like the others, even Isabelle. Alec looks like he's gone through several infernal ordeals, and she feels throttled with sorrow.

Alec perks up at the mentioning of Magnus. Memories pushing back into his mind, also the terrifying ones. He's trembling and Lydia's doing her best to calm him again.

“I... I think I'll die here, if I pass out one more time... I won't make it.” He just  _knows_. There's no way his body, especially his mind, can take that torture one more time, he's barely keeping it together now, unable to rid himself of those images of killing them and this perverse delight. He has never felt anything more abominable, he's sure of that.

“Don't even think that, Alec, you're not going to die here or anywhere anytime soon, you can't.” She moves closer and wraps her arms around him, not caring for anyone seeing and the guards seem disinterested anyway. He's too drained to cry but he leans against her, his remaining strength pouring out of him.

“Why did we almost get married?” He manages to whisper, needing some kind of anchor to cling to as long as he'll last. And he's glad she's here right now, intuitively trusting her.

“Oh, that... well, we thought it would be a good idea to become allies, restore your family's name and run the institute together... but we were wrong and it's all turned out as it should have, you'll remember the rest soon.” She has an inkling that he's not aware of his and Magnus' relationship, and probably not a lot of other things and she doesn't want to overwhelm him.

“I guess not everyone agreed with it?” He remembers being at Magnus' place again, his friend challenging him, basically telling him he shouldn't marry unless it was for love. And the way he described those feelings, Alec feels tingly even now. And all he sees is Magnus' face... there's still a piece missing he just can't find.

“Not especially, actually no one was and thankfully, in the end, we came to the same conclusion... do you remember that?” She asks cautiously, glancing at him, feeling a deep sadness at the emaciated and hollow look on his face. _Magnus, you're going to have to hurry..._

“No, I don't. There's just-”

“ _I just want you to know, Lydia was wonderful in court, she's great.” Magnus is wearing a suit, looking very sharp. But his face is serious._

“ _So you get it!” Alec's smiling for a second._

“ _No, Alec, I get her, I like her, but you don't have to marry her.”_

_He's annoyed now. “Yes, I do, Magnus.”_

“ _You'll be lonely all your life, and so will she. Neither of you deserve it. And I don't either.”_

“Alec? What's wrong? Alec?” She's cupping his cheek, turning his face carefully towards her. He blinks and concentrates. “Just... another memory.” Probably triggered by him being with Lydia? He's guessing Magnus played a big role in them deciding not to get married after all. He wishes nothing more right now than for him to appear.

They're silent for a while, but Alec's still thinking, trying to figure things out, but it's all pointless. “Lydia... if I don't make it... please tell them... that I'm grateful for everyting they've done for me and it's not their fault.” Lydia swallows down the lump in her throat, tears growing behind her eyes. “Alec, you're not-” “Please, you're the only one I can trust in here, please just... promise me.”

She holds him closer, wishing she could do something to help. “Okay, I promise.”

He exhales, feeling a little more at ease. “Thank you.”

“No need, just... eat something, okay? You need some strength and don't be your usual stubborn self, please.” Of course he wants to refuse because he's pretty sure he won't be able to keep it in, but Lydia's pleading eyes kind of get the better of him.

His usual stubborn self, eh? Yeah... knowing everything best even though he knows absolutely nothing at all... he swallows it down and manages to eat a few spoons. The warmth of the food actually does make him feel a tiny bit better, as long as he doesn't let himself think. But he can't control the memories pushing fiercely to the surface.

“ _I meant to thank you for your advice.” They're at the insitute again, standing opposite and rather close to each other. Alec feels nervous, and prickly all over as he meets Magnus' shining eyes._

_Magnus looks up at him, pleasantly surprised. “The whole, follow your heart thing.”_

“ _Oh, what can I say? I have a deep understanding of the human psyche, at least that's what Freud always said.”_

_Alec can hardly stand the anticipation, can hardly get the words out but needs to stay calm and in control to do this, it's important, so important that Magnus understands..._

“ _I'm getting married.” It feels wrong to his own ears, never having thought it to be possible, not this soon, not ever. But it's his reality now and he has to face it._

“ _Woah, that's a tad sudden, isn't it? I mean, we should at least go to dinner first.”_

_Alec is just a little shellshocked at Magnus' completely unexpected reaction, his insides are convulsing painfully, anxious tingles are running all over him and he needs to explain, make him understand!_

“ _Magnus! Family is everything to me, you have to know that.”_

“ _I get it, you're part of a don't ask, don't tell culture, I'm fine with it, you're a... traditional guy.”_

_Alec could despair as it's obvious to him that Magnus does NOT get it!_

“ _Ya, I am. That's why I proposed to Lydia.” That hopeful then completely crushed look on Magnus' face hits him like a punch in his gut, but it's done now, no more room for misunderstandings. Why doesn't he feel more relieved, though?_

“ _That's... interesting.” Alec can hardly bear seeing the warlock like that._

“ _I, it makes sense, it's a solid partnership... for both of us.” He must understand. It's so important to Alec that he does, he's not even sure why, it just is._

“ _Solid partnership...” Magnus' little laugh is bereaved of humor, full of ridicule and hurt. “That's HOT!” Alec's taken aback at yet another sudden complete change of Magnus' features, anger, pain, something he can't name. It makes him feel extremely small._

“ _Well, okay then. Congratulations, marriage is a wonderful institution... not that I would know... Goodbye, Alexander.”_

Lydia has to work to get him to focus on her once again. “What did you remember?” He's clinging to her hand without realizing it. “Magnus... he...” He doesn't know how to say it. All these memory snippets of them and the nightmares... is he... are they...

He can't finish his thought as Alistair and Rayna enter the hall and head directly towards him.

“Alec, it is time.” Alec starts shivering immediately, fear and dread pulling on his insides. Even if the others would rescue him right at this moment... they still couldn't help him. This is his only chance to come out of it alive, the alternative certainty that he won't. He can feel it undoubtedly.

He gets up slowly, Lydia right by his side, still holding his hand. “Alec-” “It's okay, thank you for everything.” She doesn't want to let him go, fight them, but she knows she's helpless against the warlock and all those guards. She can only watch as they take him away, not wanting to but still wondering whether it's the last time she'll ever see her friend.

 


	19. Salvation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I meant to wait longer to post this one, because I don't have much time to write at the moment, but then I guess, even if this were the very last chapter, it wouldn't be the most terrible end... (It's NOT, though :P)
> 
> This is actually my very favorite chapter... seeing this in my mind was the most awesome thing and writing it was very enjoyable and even now, I don't dislike it, which is very rare. So I really hope some of you will feel the same way. :)

They have been looking through the warlock's books, scrolls and papers for hours, but most of them are useless to their course, even though they now have profound proof of her using blood – forbidden - magic, and they will deal with her, in time, but right now they  _need_  to find  _any_  clue about how to get to Alec!

Ragnor and Catarina have also been watching their friend, feeling the gruesome strain he's under, fearing he could crack at any given moment. Magnus is relentlessly rifling through the spell books that seem to never become any fewer, focusing his entire being on this one task, because if just  _one single thought_ escapes him, he will suffocate. And after hours of it, he's about to.

Catarina has read a lot about forbidden magic, but she still wouldn't call herself an expert. Her growing anxiety for Magnus makes her become more creative, though, and when she senses he's about to hit his breaking point, she gets her knife out, cuts her hand and uses her magic to make her blood flow across the room.

Magnus has been about to snap, but all he can do now is stare at his friend, as is Ragnor, and they watch transfixed as the wave of Catarina's blood floats through the air. She is softly chanting a spell now she only read earlier, to make a blood sacrifice find its host.

In the wall opposite of them, a secret door opens, a golden sphere gliding out towards them, halting when it comes in contact with Catarina's blood. It absorbs the fluid right away and shines with a red glow.

“That's it, that must be the source of her power.” They all rush towards it, staring awe-struck. They have never seen something so... perfect, perilous. Catarina is again the first to act, moves into the room behind the secret door and comes out with a scroll that lets one know it's age and value just from one glance. It's sure to contain invaluable but hazardous knowledge.

“I know the language, at least partly.” She makes to translate it immediately, feeling how her confidence wavers and cold dread takes hold of her soul. If Alexander's life wasn't at stake, she would never tell a soul and try everything to destroy every trace of this scroll and the sphere.

“Catarina, no matter what, don't keep it from me.” Magnus has been watching her closely, seeing the change in her eyes, her body language, and he knows her too well... and it is obvious that they will have to make some kind of sacrifice, a much greater one than the simple blood sacrifice to enter Rayna's home. And he's prepared for  _anything._ And though she's one of his closest friends, she better not stand in his way right now.

Catarina takes a deep breath to compose herself, knowing she cannot prevent any of it, and hopefully, none of them will have to actually die.

“Two warlocks were involved in awakening this source of power. Both had to give their lives, but one of them survived, namely Rayna, but she must have been at death's door, as well. A great amount of blood is needed to activate this artifact and even more to be able to use it at our will. But once we do that, we should be able to break any of her spells.” In case they will still be able to...

“So, seeing that we are three warlocks...?” Ragnor glances from her to Magnus, dearly hoping none of them will have to sacrifice their complete vitality

“I am hoping that this will result in keeping us all alive, also Magnus, you being Asmodeus' son should give you an advantage.” Magnus nods slightly, feeling torn to pieces at the prospect of potentially losing one of his best friends, and at best forcing them to suffer terribly... he quickly checks his phone, a text from Jace eliciting cursed hope for one second before he reads it. No news. He closes his eyes, for a minute unable to breathe, beaten with sorrow.

“Magnus, you know we're standing by you, no matter what, of our own volition.” Ragnor's placed a hand on his friend's trembling shoulder and is completely sincere. They have overcome centuries of adventures, challenges and hardships, and they won't falter now, or ever, especially not when Magnus' heart, soul and happiness is at grave risk.

Magnus turns to look into his friends' earnest eyes and pushes the notion to just break down and cry far away. There may be time to do that, yet, but now he needs every drop of his strength and powers to successfully break this damned spell and not lose anyone while doing so.

* * *

 

He feels utterly defenseless as he walks between the two, along the corridor towards yet another grey door. He doesn't have a choice, though. If only he didn't feel so blood-curdlingly alone.

In the room is a cot, high enough to reach his hips, and nothing else. He dismisses the notion to wonder, it's all out of his hands. He lies down on it, glad the light is dim enough not to blind him and tries to relax, but his muscles are unyielding steel and he's aware of every tiny ache, his heartbeat blisteringly fast and thunderous in his ears, his breathing aggravated, almost stuck.

“Relax, I assure you, you won't feel a thing.” Rayna's standing above him now, her wild red hair shining, her bilious green eyes glowing, and he guesses her words are supposed to calm him down, but he  _can't breathe!_

_He's in a church, his parents are there, the whole institute, his friends, Jace, Isabelle and Lydia are on the altar with him, she's holding his hand about to draw a rune with her stele when they hear the door opening, footsteps, Magnus appears. Alec's dumbstruck, stunned, shocked, amazed, just staring and staring, unable to breathe._

“ _Alec?” His head turns without his doing and his eyes meet Lydia's, his body wanting him to get air back into his lungs._

“ _I... I can't breathe.”_

_She's understanding and kind and he hates himself in this moment but he finally knows what he has to do, what he must. That he can't go through with this, that this isn't what he wants or something he'll be able to live with, it's not fair on either of them, he finally gets it! And he chooses himself for the first time ever, his own worth, his own happiness, his own life._

_And again, she understands and he knows he can never make it up to her, and right now there's something else he must do._

_He turns, takes a look at all the people there but essentially he can't take his eyes off of Magnus, standing there, looking so beautiful, and he can't help himself, having finally found the courage he probably always possessed but was too terrified to let free. And he steps down the altar, his eyes never disconnecting with Magnus' and then he knows and he moves and dismisses his mother and speeds up his steps because he can't control himself anymore and he needs to do this more than he's ever needed anything and his hands come up to grasp Magnus' jacket lapels and their faces collide as Alec pulls this wonderful man closer and kisses him with everything he is and the earth stands still._

“MAGNUS! NO, WAIT!” But it's too late. He finally found that one missing piece of his puzzle, but there's nothing he can do.

Rayna lifted the concealment on the items in the room, a jar with blood, taken from several magical beings to perform her blood magic, and a few black rubies containing ancient, dark spells, as well as one crystal to bind the magic from his mind into.

She's used them before to extract memories from creatures' minds and she doesn't doubt that this will work to get the piece of unique magic out of Alec's just the same.

She laid the rubies onto his chest, marked his face with the blood, adding her own, and started the spell immediately and Alec who wasn't already unconscious as she assumed, but trapped in the memory, startles her with his yell, and she quickly incapacitates him. There's nothing in her way now.

  

_He's been watching every development unfold, mostly staying out of it, only a few times interfering when certain actions were aggravating him. And though many of these occurrences have been unexpected, they provided him with outermost pleasure and delightfulness. Not even he could have planned this kind of masterpiece, and a masterpiece it is without a doubt. The boy, if one of the most inferior beings he's ever come across, held on even longer than he could have anticipated, which only fueled his glee and craving to see him suffer more. It has been his own perfect bliss to watch them be torn apart, piece by piece by piece. But he's not delusional, he knows the time has come to end this part of his scheme. And with this stupid man and warlock interfering, thinking they could honestly play in league with his kind of prevalence, would be hellishly amusing, if he weren't so outrageously disgusted by them._

_And she's about to kill his indispensable subject for good! What a ridiculous amateur! He should kill her to show her how pathetic and insignificant she really is! But it's not time to make his appearance, yet. He's been so extraordinarily patient so far, he mustn't get sloppy now. It takes nothing of his might to make the part of him he planted in the boy's mind disappear and break her spell so she won't take any more of the boy's weakened vital energy. When he's satisfied enough he glides back into the darkness, anxious to see what will happen next, and what Magnus and his pitiful little friends have cooked up._

* * *

 

“I have no words to thank you, my friends, I-”

Ragnor interrupts him. “Don't waste time on mere phrases now, we will give you chance to make it up to us infinitely, for now, let's start and get your Alexander back safe and sound."

Magnus breathes deeply, nods and focuses.

“Will we not have to get back to New York?” Ragnor questions Catarina, never having been part of an undertaking such as this.

She shakes her head. “No, that's not necessary, the sphere is directly linked to her and her spell, no matter where it or she is.” They gather around the sphere, looking again to Catarina for guidance.

She slits open both palms of her hands before giving the knife to Magnus. “Make sure the blood keeps flowing, we'll need a lot, and as far as I can tell there is no spell to perform with it, the blood must be all it takes.” Which is as well so they can fully focus on their life energy, but troubling concerning the sheer amount this suggests they'll need.

Her friends nod sternly and cut their own hands, their blood immediately beginning to flow into the sphere that absorbs it and glows brighter and brighter with pure red brilliance, becoming darker and darker. They're all spellbound by its mighty force, at this moment fully comprehending why Rayna would risk everything to possess such incredible power.

They will have to fight gravely to not succumb to it themselves.

* * *

 

“Rayna! What just happened? What is the meaning of this?!” Alistair is beside himself when Rayna's chanting and flow of magic comes to an abrupt stop, and all the warlock seems to be able to do is stand there uselessly and stupidly stare.

“Rayna! Tell me-”

“It... it's gone.” She doesn't have words to explain what just happened, she was so close to grasping  _it_ and the next moment there was no trace of it at all, and in her mind she saw two flaming red eyes and felt hauled out of her spell. She's disheveled and speechless.

“That is impossible! You said so yourself, where did it go?!” They're both staring at the young man, still seemingly unconscious, lying on the cot. Rayna reaches out a shaky hand, activates her magic again and checks his mind.

“There's nothing there... it vanished... completely.” She could not ever have foreseen this and even less can she find a reason for it which deeply unsettles her, making her regret ever becoming involved in the first place.

Alec can hear faint voices, arguing. They're somewhat familiar, but not belonging to anyone he cares about. He had such a nice dream, about the wedding, well, what happened just before the vows... Magnus striding in, capturing his full attention, giving him the last push he needed to unlock the courage to change his life. And that kiss... he will never in a million years forget that kiss, ever. It was his salvation.

Magnus... where could he be? And who is arguing in their home anyway? Or are they somewhere else? Is he at the institute? But he was on his way home, wasn't he? He should probably properly wake up and check what's going on.

He blinks his eyes open and is met by dim white light and a grey ceiling. Definitely not the loft or the institute. And the voices have become louder, penetrating his skull, or so it feels. He sits up and nothing makes sense. Not where he is or who these people are.

“Excuse me, what's going on here and who are you?” He stands now and watches the tall man and the very extraordinary looking woman closely, his instincts and intuition telling him something is very dodgy.

Alistair and Rayna are gobsmacked, just staring at him. Alec frowns deeply, squints one eye and steps closer, crossing his arms before his chest. “Answer me now, where am I and who are you?”

“Has he lost his memories again?” Alistair is inquiring while still staring at Alec Lightwood, his stance and whole demeanor having changed drastically from the frightened, tortured young man from before. He's basically oozing with authority and confidence, not lessened by his still very deprived appearance. Is that the effect of the strange magic disappearing?

Alec's frown deepens. What the heck does that man mean? He hasn't lost his memories, he would kno-

A tsunami comes crashing down on him, on his mind, thousands of memory shreds being woven into one whole image, punching the air out of him and at first he doesn't even realize that not only he himself, but the whole room is starting to shake.

“What now? What is happening?!” Alistair leaves before Rayna gets chance to answer, still in shock about the situation. She manages to pull herself out of it eventually. But she has no idea why their underground hideout is plagued by something like an earthquake... unless... but that is impossible!

Alec's swamped and nauseous and scared he'll pass out again with the full force of  _every single_ memory coming back to him. He can't let that happen, he has to... focus, shove it all away, far away! He steadies himself and glares at the warlock who he now remembers clearly.

“You... I swear by my life you won't get away with this! None of you will! You acted against at least a hundred different laws and I promise you, you won't ever be safe anywhere again if you don't help me now!”

The room is suddenly shaking heavily, plaster coming off the walls and ceiling and Rayna runs. Alec is shocked for just a moment then determination to not let her get away takes over and he's right on her heels. It's not just the one room that's starting to collapse, it's the whole building. Alec grabs Rayna's arm and hauls her around.

“Let go of me! It's not safe here, we need to get out!” But his grip is strong and he doesn't feel intimidated at all, even though he knows, has first hand experience with her powers.

“You're not getting away, I won't let you! You're coming with-” Startled they look up at the same time where they heard a loud burst and big parts of the stone ceiling are falling straight at them. Alec gets hit on his head by one, lets go of the warlock and drops. He feels numb but he's still conscious, blood on his hand as he touches the side of his head.

Rayna wants to just run, portal herself to the end of the world if she must, but something is holding her back. She's not invincible, not even using blood magic, and Alec Lightwood remembering  _everything_ now is a serious threat, so she makes a decision.

Alec's swaying, having trouble to keep his balance but fighting with all he has. When the warlock rushes towards him, he's sure that's the last he'll ever see.

Rayna grabs him and pulls him onto his feet then quickly opens a portal. “Just go to a safe place, that's all I can do! And you better remember who saved you in the end!” She can't kill him because she'll have an army after her head, led by Magnus Bane, and her life is too precious for that! Hopefully this will give her some leeway with the High Warlock of Brooklyn and the Lightwoods.

Alec's completely taken aback and his head wound doesn't let him form any coherent thought, but one. _A safe place._

He stumbles through the portal into the loft where he's greeted by two cats who have never been as overtly delighted to see anyone ever. He manages to carry both purring fur bundles, who are pushing against and licking his face, to the couch before he falls onto it and blacks out.

* * *

 

They all felt it simultaneously as they breached the blood barrier shielding Rayna's power and eventually broke it. Their skin has turned the color of porcelain as most of their blood has been absorbed by the sphere which sparkles like a crimson ruby.

Catarina has also been using her special healing powers to keep them all going for as long as somehow possible. They can feel how the spell is slowly crumbling, but they, too, are close to giving into the intoxicating sensations of the blood magic, signifying certain death in their enfeebled state.

Ragnor's first to falter and Catarina senses it just in time to disconnect him from the sphere. He falls and lies unmoving but they can only hope he'll recover, the strain on the two remaining warlocks even higher now.

Magnus is single-mindedly set on withstanding the call of the blood magic and giving their blood time to surpass Rayna's spell, hopefully providing their friends in New York with the opportunity to find Alexander and get everyone to safety. They have no way of knowing when it's done, so holding on is all they can do.

Catarina, though being in a ways, more powerful than her two friends, has given much of that power to them and is now about to lose her battle. Magnus senses this and he won't let her make that sacrifice for him. “Let go, I'll be fine! Catarina, let go, NOW!” She doesn't want to, but it's all she can do, hoping against hope that they did enough, before she loses consciousness.

Magnus focuses solely on using every ounce of power he still possesses into his blood and the sphere and further, channeling that demonic force he had used in the desert to summon that storm, this time making sure the spell will be irrevocably destroyed.

In the utmost last moment he's still able to, he pulls himself away, passing out instantly.

* * *

 

The werewolves had been the first to notice something. Soon after, everyone felt the ground beneath them shaking, lightly at first but quickly gaining in force. The bridge was threatening to fall to pieces. Everyone made sure to evacuate mundanes from the area and then watched as the park simply collapsed into itself, revealing an underground building beneath it.

The missing guards appeared first, being taken under arrest by members of the Silent Brothers who had, when all this started, averted themselves not wanting to have any part of it, but with recent developments concerning Alistair, the Cup, and Rayna, decided to take control of the situation, lead a thorough investigation and eventually bring back order into their world.

Jace, Clary, Isabelle and Simon were the first to help others; formerly imprisoned wolves, vampires, and Shadowhunters to escape their temporary confinement, closely followed by Luke and Jocelyn who couldn't hold Max back any longer and stayed close to at least make sure nothing could happen to him. Being the smallest though, he slipped away under the rubble, anxious and determined to find his big brother first.

Luke, in wolf's form, speedily caught up with him and they found Lydia who was hurt quite badly, but conscious and they quickly got her out while others were working on freeing everyone remaining.

“Lydia!” Jace is by his friend's side immediately, pushing hair out of her face, checking over her wounds. “Are you alright? Where's Alec? Did you see him?”

“Yes, he was with me for a while but they took him... Alistair and the warlock, Rayna! Have you found them?” Jace shakes his head, looking all around but those two haven't been seen by anyone. And he thought he had felt his Parabatai earlier... but now he's not even sure anymore! This can't be happening! Magnus and the other two managed to break the damn spell but Alec is  _still_ missing?! It's too much, just too much, he feels like drowning, suffocating.

He makes room for Jocelyn to tend to Lydia's wounds. Clary's holding him, talking soothingly but they're all just despairing, needing to finally know where he is and that he's alright...  _if_  he is. And if not... there's no telling what will happen to them.

Jace suddenly feels a strange sensation on his leg and when he glances down it takes him a moment to realize. “Chairman? Oh my god, it's you!” He takes the cat up and strokes him, wiping his eyes, just about having managed to hold his tears back this time.

“Meow."

“Church!” Isabelle quickly takes the other cat up. 

“What are they doing here?” Clary.

Everyone shrugs, feeling out of their depth completely. The cats suddenly jump off of them and head away, looking back at them, calling out.

“Guys, I think they want us to follow them! C'mon!” Simon grabs Isabelle's hand and runs after their furry friends, Jace, Clary and Max immediately after them.

The cats had watched over Alec, but after an hour of him just lying there motionlessly they decided it was best to get help themselves. Good thing these people weren't always incompetent. And wherever was that damn warlock of theirs?

Clary had texted Magnus when the whole earthquake was starting but she hasn't got an answer, which isn't really worrying seeing that he was and still probably is preoccupied. She quickly sends another one once they know the cats are leading them to the loft, and pushes her phone back into her pocket.

“ALEC!” They're kind of all shouting the moment they lay eyes on their brother and friend, feeling incredible amounts of relief but only for a couple of seconds before they understand that he's wounded and unconscious and needs help immediately.

Thankfully his head isn't as bad as it first seemed and they don't need, for example, magic to heal him, which they don't have and they have no idea what their warlock friends are doing or even where they are now, and their undivided attention is on the man they were so terrified of having lost forever,  _again_. There is just nothing to describe that kind of voidness. They tend to his wound as best as they can and clean his face from that blood that doesn't seem to belong to him.

“He's not trapped in a nightmare, is he?” Isabelle is frantic and Max is clutching Alec's hand, observing his face, not wanting to miss any kind of movement that could indicate he's waking up.

“I don't think so... he's usually more active... let's just try and wake him up!” Clary tries to be matter-of-fact and takes charge, getting the smelling salt from the kitchen, knowing exactly where it is from one incident where one of Magnus' clients got a little too anxious and fainted after aggravating Magnus into showing his badass warlock side with glowing eyes and the whole intimidation thing going on. It was a little much for that poor faerie.

She rushes back, opens the small bottle and holds it under Alec's nose, moving it from side to side a little. Everyone's holding their breath.

Alec gets thrown out of his rather blissful state of quiet and warmth and comfort which he feels he hasn't had in the longest time... gasping as all kinds of pains are rushing from his body into his head, letting him know they're there and not very happy... and the actual ache in his head is the worst, bit still bearable.

And he doesn't get any time to process this because two arms are flung around him and a body, which, thankfully isn't terribly heavy, presses down on him. And he feels hot fluid on his neck. What... and the cats are also back, having jumped on the couch's top, watching them, the Chairman also pawing at Max's shoulder.

“Max? Hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay.” It is, isn't it? He is? He's okay? And they're okay? And everything...? How often will he have to endure that kind of monsoon of memories knocking him over? He's glad he's lying down already, feeling dizzy and it takes him a minute to respond again.

Everyone is staring at him and crying and talking at him. Gosh, so much to take in, but he's  _so happy_ to be here and see them again! He didn't really dare hope in the end... but he mustn't let himself think about all that insane shit now, there'll be a time for it later...

“Hey, guys, cool you made it here. I was kinda tired and took a little nap.” He's smiling at them, wanting to see them smile, not all those tears... he gets it, of course, he could probably cry for a full week, but... later.

Max moves up, smiling through his tears and Alec takes the opportunity to sit up himself, wrapping an arm around his little brother and suddenly gets the breath knocked out of him, once again, when another pair of arms attached to a rather heavy and strong body cling around him. He exhales painfully, heartbroken but joyful and wraps his other arm tightly around his other brother, squeezing them both against him, smiling affectionately.

“Never ever do this to us again, buddy, just don't ever.” Jace is smiling through his tears, soft sobs escaping him, a little scared he may crush Alec too much, but he can't help himself. No horror he ever felt was as bad as losing his soulmate, and he genuinely doesn't think he'd cope another time.

“I'm so sorry, Jace, I don't intend to, trust me.” Alec's close to tears himself now, squeezing his Parabatai tighter.

“Okay, you big softy, move out of the way for a minute and let me hug my big brother!” Everyone's still crying but laughing as well now and Jace plants a big kiss onto Alec's cheek before he gets off the couch and lets Izzy have her turn hugging the crap out of Alec. “I'm so happy, I can't even tell you, te amo mi hermano mayor.”

Alec smiles broadly. “Te amo mi hermanita, et tu hermanito.” He ruffles Max's hair who moves up to hug both his sister and brother. “I love you, too.” Max has never found love for the Spanish language, or even interest, but  _that_ he'd get in any language.

Clary doesn't think she'll get chance to hug her friend soon, so she walks around the couch and cups Alec's cheeks, pressing a kiss to his forehead once he looks up surprised. “I love you, too.” “And me!” Simon pushes Clary, gently, out of the way and grabs Alec's head before he can even attempt to move out of the way and places a loud, wet smack onto his forehead. Alec grimaces and moves his hand to wipe Simon's saliva off of him, but even that can't ruin his happiness or keep him from smiling.

His face is hurting from smiling so much. “Actually, I really love you all, even you, you traitor, I can't believe you tried to make me believe I liked you when I met you!” He's pointedly regarding Simon now who's mouth drops open, but not because he's shocked to be called a traitor, but because... this means...

“Do you remember? Do you have your memories back? Is it gone?” Simon's staring at Alec, pointing at his own head to indicate the evil magic in his mind.

Everyone's suddenly quiet and gaping at Alec, who's still softly smiling. “Yeah, it's gone, and, yes, I got them all back.” And that realization is still too fucking much to handle all at once. Especially the last couple of weeks... that seem like years! And suddenly a whole mountain is falling on top of him, unfathomable how he didn't think, how he just... didn't  _think_.

“Where's Magnus?!”

* * *

 

“Ragnor? Magnus?” Catarina's the first to come to, dizzy and disorientated, but alive and somewhat able to move. Ragnor's closest to her so she crawls over and looks for a pulse, which thankfully, she finds. She exhales deeply and moves onto checking up on her other best friend.

She finds his wrist first and again checks for a pulse, but she's not finding any. Fear is rising in her but she's not giving up so quickly. She doesn't have enough magic yet to do anything, but she's got a few potions with her, for such cases, or similar. She takes one out of her pocket, opens Magnus' mouth and pours it in, massaging his throat so it will flow down easier. She's actually holding her breath.

Relief floods her when Magnus gasps and his eyes shoot open, he's definitely got a pulse now. They are so damn lucky.

“Ca... Catarina?” He blinks and tries to sharpen his sight, it's all quite blurry and hazy but when he moves his head he can see his friend, alive. He's so grateful. “Ragnor?”

“He's breathing. We all just need a little TLC.” She smirks softly and Magnus can't but chuckle. Warlock TLC, yes... Alec!

“Have you heard anything? Do we know if it worked?” Every inch of his body is protesting but he's sitting up anyway, just when they can hear a moan coming from Ragnor.

“No, I'm sorry, I don't know.” Looking at the sphere, it's back to its perfectly golden self before their blood sacrifice. That could mean anything, though.

Magnus robs over to where Ragnor is slowly coming to. “Hey, old friend, we made it. Now, we need to find a way to get to New York, quickly!”

Ragnor groans. “Hold your horses, I'm barely alive.” Magnus smiles softly and helps him sit, hugs him and then Catarina who's moved over to them. “You two are the most amazing creatures ever.”

“Liar.” The two say in unison, eliciting a loving chuckle and a tear from their best friend. Catarina is giving a healing potion to Ragnor, another one to Magnus and takes one herself, thinking. “About the portaling problem... I think I saw a locket earlier with some magic stored inside, we can probably use that to make a makeshift one.”

Magnus frowns. “A makeshift one?” She chuckles slightly. “Well, it won't be very strong and only one of us can get through and it will only last a couple of seconds, but better than waiting for our magic to restore. At least you can go and see what's happening. Now, get me that locket, it's in that drawer over there.”

She points and Magnus complies as quickly as he manages, grabs it and hands it to her, then he remembers his phone, but he's not sure where... he spots it and gets it checking it quickly. Two texts from Clary. 'All hell is breaking lose here, I think whatever you're doing is working!' and 'LOFT!'

She could really have elaborated a little bit! But he's got no time to waste now, Catarina has managed to stand, leaning against the table, and is already using what little magic she still possesses with that of the locket and truly manages to open a portal. Magnus could kiss her, she really is the most amazing-!

“Magnus, quickly now!” Oh, damn he almost forgot! He forces himself up and leaps into the portal, not a moment too late, the instant his feet make contact with the floor in the loft, it disappears again.

* * *

 

“They, Magnus, Catarina and Ragnor, they're probably still in Romania, they found a way to break the spell that kept you and Lydia and others trapped.” Isabelle explains to a very anxious Alec.

“Shit, Lydia! Is she okay?” Isabelle nods quickly. “Yes, she got hurt a bit but nothing too bad, and she's looked after.” He nods, feeling a little better, but not really!

Magnus... Magnus... he's gone  _through all that horror with him_  without him knowing!! Oh fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck! This is killing him, genuinely the worst realization he's had, knowing how deeply and horrifyingly Magnus has been hurting, suffering, despairing with him and over him not remembering, not knowing whether he ever would... He feels completely numb with that kind of soul-corroding woe.

“Magnus!” Clary shouts startled as their friend suddenly appears, looking terribly wrecked, only a fraction of what he must have gone through showing in his cat-like eyes. He doesn't have the magic to glamour them. But he's here! Everyone's breathless, staring from Alec to Magnus now, their eyes unable to decide, not wanting to miss any detail.

Alec is paralyzed, staring open-mouthed at the man every fiber of his body, his entire being, is yearning for.

Magnus is frozen, compelled to the man who's sitting amidst all his friends but seeing none other, feeling ripped off his skin and bone as he's fighting so hard to stay put, against his all-encompassing need to crush him against himself and melt into him.

Alec is actually pulled up by Izzy and his whole body is trembling madly, waves of white hot joy overflowing inside him and he finally manages to move, stepping clumsily towards Magnus, who looks so pale and vulnerable and he's so worried about him but he's also so radiantly beautiful and he's  _here_ and  _alive_  and he's feeling exactly the way he felt at the wedding, Magnus having that same shocked, hopeful, amazed, questioning, stunned look on his face, just before he kissed him, and how could he not grab him by his shirt, pull him and squash him against himself, while crashing their mouths and faces together, kissing him like it was the very first and very last time, silently promising to never part again, their hearts and souls finally whole again.

Magnus only sees Alexander, only smells, feels, hears and eventually touches him, his body shaken with tremors, his mind unable to catch up with endless jolts of emotions and ecstatic sensations overflowing his outright existence.

Alec's taken over by a highly addictive passion and all-consuming love and he's pushing Magnus back against the wall where he continues the onslaught of his mouth, greedily tasting him, every part of their bodies pressed together in an attempt to crawl into each other.

Magnus' hands are running untamed over Alec's back, shoulders, neck and hair, the fiercest need to touch, to convince himself that  _his Alexander_  is  _real_ and  _alive_  and  _remembers_. Oh gosh, he  _must be,_ else this would only be happening in his imagination and he couldn't bear that.

When they run out of breath they don't part, just open their mouths to let air in while their lips are still touching, their eyes watering from staring at such close proximity, but neither of them give a damn.

“Alexander... are you-” Magnus breathes against Alec's mouth and Alec's answer is another fervent kiss, to which Magnus instantly surrenders himself completely.


	20. Kiss You Sore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A tremendous amount of thanks to everyone who's given me such incredible feedback over this story, I can't even deal with it, so I'll simply continue to write it quietly. 
> 
> I've been listening to Possession (acoustic) by Sarah McLachlan while writing the last part of this, and can only recommend it, such a stunning song.

They honestly would not keep staring at two people being so lost in each other, but they simply couldn't look away, and this is  _so much more_  than sexual, it hardly comes into it, just knowing these two are finally united again after going through the most agonizing months, is filling them all with so much happiness they could burst and the pureness of love those two emit is mesmerizing and captivating.

The cats aren't quite so happy and patient, however, and the Chairman jumps off of the couch, toddles over to his housemates and starts meowing, and when he's not getting any reaction, he stands on his hind legs and paws on Alec's leg, the next step will be claws...

Alec never ever wants to come up for air again, he will happily drown in this perfect man, this neverending bliss his taste and touches and soul provide... but something tiny is penetrating his subconscious and not letting off... He pulls his head away eventually, glancing down just as the Chairman decides to hook his claws into his leg.

“Ow, hey, you little rascal,” Alec bends slightly to lift the cat up with one hand, Magnus' eyes never leaving his face and his arms still flung tightly around him. “Is that any way to-” the cat pushes against his cheek and purrs like mad and Alec's voice softens immediately. “Yeah, I missed you, too, and thanks for taking care of me and getting our friends.” Alec drops a kiss onto the little head and grins fondly and when he meets Magnus' eyes, he's thrown into speechlessness with the infinite amount of love he's being showered with.

And then he feels slightly faint and it's a good thing Magnus has such a strong hold on him. “Alexander?”

Jace and Isabelle jump immediately, rushing to them, a new wave of panic overflowing everyone.

“I'm okay, guys, I'm okay, just a little dizzy.” And a little sick and shaky.

“It's probably a concussion, you better sit down.” Isabelle warns and Magnus complies immediately and leads Alec to the couch with Jace on his other side and the moment he sits, leaning against Magnus who has an arm protectively around him and holding one of his hands, Max is at his other side again, the cats settling on Max's and Alec's laps.

“Well, I sure have my own loyal entourage.” Alec jokes softly, smiling a little. No one else does and he absolutely doesn't want that. “Guys, seriously, I'm better than I've been in... a really, really long time, it's just that stupid stone that fell on my head, it's nothing.” He regrets his words immediately when he feels how tense Magnus became.

“Hey, it's not your fault, you saved us all...” He moved to be able to look into those cat eyes again he loves so much.

Magnus feels caught and a lot of things he doesn't know how to handle, yet, so he decides to delay it, smiles softly and places a gentle kiss on Alec's forehead. “Let me see if I can do anything about that concussion.” He snaps his fingers and a blue flame appears, but it's snuffed out a few seconds later. He tries again gaining the same result. Alec's very worried now, Magnus isn't exactly looking healthy.

“It's just that... spell... it took a lot of magic, I'll just have to wait a while longer.” He quickly reassures Alec and the others, he'd rather not let them know what they had to do to break the spell, at least not now.

“It's okay, it's really not that bad.” Alec tries to reassure him again.

Clary comes back with an herbal tea Magnus taught her to make and hands both a cup, no one even having noticed that she was gone for a bit.

“Thanks.” Alec smiles at her.

“Thank you, biscuit, I'm glad to see you all well.” He didn't dare think of anything other than them being alright, especially Alexander, but he knew the possibility of this not being the case was very high and he feels like he's been gifted the grandest miracle in the universe, being able to look at him and hold him again. He really remembers...

“How did they succeed? Is it really gone?” Magnus isn't sure why but that's the hardest part to believe...

“I don't remember what they did, Rayna used some spell on me, I guess, and when I woke up she and Alistair were arguing about  _it_  just having disappeared... they weren't pleased but I sure as hell am. And then I just got them all back, my memories, I mean.” And he can still feel the aftershock.

“So, you also remember the last couple of weeks?” Magnus wishes that he wouldn't, that he wouldn't ever have to think of these unspeakable terrors again that would no doubt plague his mind for a long time to come.

Alec doesn't even have to respond, the pained look in his eyes is enough to freeze Magnus' heart for a moment. He pulls him closer, kissing his temple.

“I'm so... endlessly sorry for everything...” It's wrecking Alec so badly, the guilt weighing him down like a mountain of lead.

“Alexander, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.” Alec knows Magnus and the others believe that, but he can't.

“It's a shame I won't be able to get my hands on her...” Magnus would make her pay for a long time to come. But then he's got much more important things, people, to take care of. When he sees the puzzled looks on everyone's faces, he gets a little uneasy. “I'm assuming she and this bastard Alistair were captured... by someone?” Who knows if The Clave even has the means for it now, they should just all vanish in a big, black hole and never return.

“Not exactly.” Clary is the only one who eventually dares to speak. “There was no trace of them, they must have escaped, I'm sorry, it was chaos.” She looks apologetically at him and Alec and before Magnus can show his outrage, Alec places his pointy finger onto his lips and smiles slightly.

“It's okay, at least everyone's free and judging from how panicked they were, I doubt they'll try anything again. And Rayna actually helped me get here, no doubt for selfish reasons, but she didn't have to, and I'm just really happy to be here right now. Let's focus on that, alright?” He can see how Magnus' anger turns into agreement and he takes his finger away and replaces it with his lips instead, until Jace coughs, grinning and they part again, if very reluctantly.

“Biscuit, be a darling and call Catarina and ask how they're doing.” He's worried about them, too, especially should Rayna have returned... they'd be no match for her in their state.

Clary complies immediately. “They're fine, well, she said so, and they've brought the sphere to Ragnor's friend, what's a sphere?” Magnus feels relieved, good, very good.

“Just a magical... thing... it's not important right now.” No, just that they're all safe. He's still having a hard time really comprehending that Alexander's back, not just physically, but mentally and all of his feelings...

“Magnus? Are you alright? Is there something you need?” Magnus has been zoned out for a few minutes while Clary called her mother to let Lydia and Luke and the others know about Alec's return, and while everyone was talking quietly, she noticed the weird, unmoving look on his face.

Everyone's immediately looking at him and he just blinks, feeling Alec's big, slightly clammy hand on his cheek. “Yes, no, I'm good, really.”

“Shouldn't we call our parents to give them the good news?” Jace inquires, looking at Isabelle especially, she may, after all, already done so.

Before they can answer, Alec's sitting straight, a hard look on his face. “No!”

Feeling his Parabatai strongly suddenly, Jace regrets having asked. “Sorry, Alec.”

He shakes his head, one hand fisted. It's not even the way his mother manipulated him into giving himself up, not that that was entirely her doing, and she maybe had good intentions, but he remembers all too well the way she tried to poison him against Magnus, when he was completely vulnerable and dependent on people he could trust, who weren't abusing his defenseless state for their own petty reasons, like she did. He's not going to forgive her for that, and he certainly doesn't want to see her, speak to her, or be in the same room with her. He'll have to at some point, but just not any time soon. “They can wait.” The tone of his voice makes sure no one questions him.

“I think you two especially, but all of us could do with some nutrition in our stomachs. C'mon, guys, let's see what we can find.” Isabelle is quick to change topic and she even manages to coax Max into helping, though he really follows because he knows Magnus will protect Alec while he's gone, and couples seem to want time on their own a lot. He grins knowing they'll probably be smooching again in no time.

“I don't know how to believe this is real, that you're really... back.” Their foreheads are pressed together, arms tightly embracing each other. Alec's hurting more for Magnus than he's ever hurt for himself, or anyone else, and that broken tremor in his voice is heart-splitting.

“I promise you this is real and I am, and I love you _so much_.” To prevent the tears that would undoubtedly spill from his eyes if he kept talking, he tilts his head, his lips finding the only mouth he ever wants to kiss and lets fond caresses and ardent tongue dancing speak instead.

“Magnus, what did you have to do to break the spell?” As ever, they did have to break for air, and though Magnus feels a little warmer and looks more... like himself again, Alec can't shake the unrest that's troubling his mind.

The warlock can't meet his lover's eyes for a moment, but knows there's no way he would lie to him or even evade the question, they've come too far and Alexander always knows. “Do you remember what I told you about blood magic?” Magnus searches Alec's eyes, for a moment lost in the staggering sensation elicited by the sheer force of realizing that he  _really, truly, remembers_. He doesn't even understand how he's supposed to cope, so he simply doesn't. He rather concentrates on Alec's beloved voice and facial expressions.

“It's forbidden, and warlocks would have to kill a lot of creatures and make sacrifices themselves that could be lethal.” Alec revels in the way he's able to seek out certain memories again, they're just there as they're supposed to be and it's a liberating feeling.

Magnus nods. “Rayna is using blood magic and she used it to create the spell to hide you from us, and we used our own blood to break it, but none of us had to die, which is rather fortunate.” He smiles softly but it quickly fades with the shocked look on Alec's face.

“You shouldn't have done that! You could have... any of you could have-” Magnus quickly places his fingers onto Alec's lips. “Shhh, don't think about what if, we are all fine, and each one of us had to face grave challenges, not least of all you, but we all succeeded and are here now, and if we never leave this couch again, I'll be more than alright with that.” He quickly replaces his fingers with his lips and shudders happily when Alec doesn't argue but reciprocates it eagerly. Not even a horde of demons could come between them right now. Or two pushy cats who eventually settle on the backrest of the couch, watching them.

* * *

 

“Are you two decent in there?” Simon grins as he keeps the others back with outstretched hands while peeking around the door himself.

_Why_  did they have to come back already? Alec's softly grinning up at Magnus who is lying on top of him on the couch but they're still fully dressed, they just needed to feel each other more, and Magnus is still concerned about Alec's head, hoping he'll soon be able to use enough magic again to heal him. He'd ask Catarina but she's in no state to even get here, and brewing up a potion takes too much time and he'd rather stay as close to Alexander as somehow possible... with other people around. He gives Alec a look that clearly states how unfortunate it is they're not undisturbed any longer, kisses him one more time, thoroughly, and slowly moves off of him, the others all there watching now as Simon obviously couldn't hold them, or himself, back for more than a minute.

Alec moves to lean against Magnus, frowning a little. “Where were you?” He thinks Izzy was saying something about food earlier, but his head is kind of full of Magnus, as is all the rest of him.

“Well, seeing that you two don't have  _anything_ edible in your kitchen, we got us some A-class burritos.” Izzy remarks, hands Alec a bag and sits down next to him just to have to move over to let Max in between them.

“They're your favorite, and I got treats for the cats.” Max turns to be able to give them to Church and Chairman who are eagerly devouring their food, at last being rewarded for their hard work.

“Thanks, I guess I'm kinda hungry.” Alec bites off a piece of the burrito, glad he's not feeling sick anymore. And suddenly he feels like he's starved and has to control himself not to shove the whole thing into his mouth. The last decent meal he had at the safe house... that seems such a long while ago, it's so very surreal, all of it, because sitting here with his loved ones and eating that delicious food, it could seem as if the last couple of weeks... no, actually, months, didn't happen... _months_...

That last bite gets stuck in his throat and he quickly grabs the cup Clary brought him earlier and downs the rest of the now cold tea. He's got the weirdest feeling, awkward pin-pricks racing over his skin, making his fingers feel numb. “Just gotta use the bathroom.” He mumbles and leaves to the bedroom as quickly as he manages.

Magnus shares the most fleeting eye-contact with Jace before he gets up and follows, not going to stand back anymore, he's done that way too often lately, granted mostly to protect Alexander, but he needn't do that anymore, not from Magnus himself.

Alec's pushing cold water into his face, spreading it over his neck while taking deep breaths, trying to shake off this dazing feeling he suddenly got while imagining being non-existent for  _months_ and having not a single memory of that time. It's such an eerie, hollow sensation that takes hold of his innermost part, and he wishes he wouldn't have to remember that he doesn't have any memory of it. Whatever had happened to him in such a long stretch of time? And would he ever find out? Does he even want to know? Maybe he was trapped in a seven months long nightmare, and if so, he definitely does  _not_  want to know! The recollection of those he has is horrifying enough.

He stiffens as he suddenly feels a hand on his lower back but relaxes instantly when he sees Magnus' reflection in the mirror as he looks up. Magnus spoke his name three times but he didn't seem to hear him. Alec inhales heavily and turns to face his boyfriend. “I'm...” Still, his first ingrained reaction is to say he's fine as he's done all his life, but he's been working hard on changing a few things about himself in the time they've been together, and he wasn't going to be satisfied with anything less than success. Everything's just... so wrong again. Except them being here together, that will never be anything but right.

“Stuff just keeps coming at me like a tidal wave, it's just...” He gestures a little helplessly, hoping Magnus will understand like he's done most of the times he hasn't been able to find the words.

Having to watch his love still suffering so much evokes a deeply rooted fear and unrest in Magnus and he can't find words... instead he puts his arms around Alec cautiously and gently pulls his head down against Magnus' shoulder before he tenderly massages Alec's neck and strokes his back soothingly, quietly humming the first melody that comes to him, and only when he feels Alec's body relax can he allow himself to, as well.

  

“Let's take a shower.” Alec is almost too relaxed now, loving Magnus' soft humming always soothing him, making him feel sleepy, but sleep is not what he wants. He wants to be with Magnus, and the others, and delay having to fall asleep for as long as he can, doubting he will ever find a way to make himself look forward to bedtime again. And he can smell himself too intensely, and Magnus, though he still doesn't smell bad to him. But a warm shower sounds pretty good right now and he just doesn't want to be on his own.

Magnus refrains from commenting as he usually would, and simply drops a kiss onto Alec's lips before they undress, Alec pointedly not glancing at himself too much, knowing how bad he must look, and steps into the warm shower Magnus already started. They languidly caress soap into each other's skin, washing each other's hair gently, Magnus wincing secretly as he notices traces of blood from Alec's wound in the water, and embraces him tighter, craving to make everything good again, but knowing he's helpless. Alec focuses solely on Magnus, every move, touch, caress and kiss, wanting nothing more than forget the rest of the world, the past and even the future, only living for these current moments.

And he could get irrevocably lost in Magnus' silky, wet skin while his fingers are mapping him as if they're scared of losing the feeling.

“My love, if you don't want this to get out of hand, we should probably leave this shower now.” Magnus is smiling softly, tingling all over even though Alec's caresses aren't wild and desperate, but often the slow and gentle touches are affecting him even worse... but he's not sure that's what Alec wants or rather needs right now. And they still have people occupying their living-room, who're probably wondering what's taking them so long... or not, all of them having very visual imaginations.

“I know, you just feel so good.” Alec breathes against Magnus' neck, not having moved his heavy, slightly pounding head for a while. He's not sure he's able to do more just now, especially not standing upright in a shower. A regretful sigh escapes his lips as he slowly pulls away, kisses Magnus lovingly for a minute and takes his hand to lead him out of the shower. They stay very close as they get dried and dressed in comfortable clothes and eventually head back to the living-room.

 

Everyone's smiling softly as they emerge holding hands and settle down again on the couch, Max leaning into his big brother, finally able to relax again, especially as Alec starts stroking his hair. The cats are satisfied on their laps, purring and Alec feels like  _exactly_ this moment is what he'll live for now. If only he weren't so supremely exhausted, and Magnus isn't looking any less worn, but still so enthralling with his hair unstyled and no make-up. His skin is still too pale, his eyes void of their usual golden glow. But he's here, they're all here. That's the only thing he'll have to concentrate on, his mind already starting to fight invading tantalizing thoughts and images.

“You'll let us know if you want to, you know, get some sleep?” Clary is sitting comfortably on the floor, leaning against her boyfriend, who she knows will need a good night's sleep himself soon and she hopes they'll all be able to get one at long last. Alec stiffens visibly and everyone's regarding him apprehensively.

“I'm good.” He has to wince at the blatant lie and again remind himself that he needn't pretend, not when it's so freaking obvious! “I mean... I really don't want to.” Not now, not ever if it were possible. He can feel Magnus' arm tighten around him but his eyes are drawn to his Parabatai. Images of Jace in the safe house, suffering with him through the nightmares are worming themselves into his mind, leaving him with a coldness that is exacerbated by cruel flashes of Jace being killed in front of him, heightened brutally by the memory of the feeling of holding that dagger and driving it right into Jace's flesh.

He's gasping, suddenly fighting for air, Jace having felt some of his torment, intuitively knowing it's to do with him, is right in front of him now, cupping his cheeks, trying to soothe him, while Max and Magnus are watching frightened right next to them.

“Alec, Alec! Hey, it's ok! I'm here, I'm fine, I'm fine, you're safe and I'm safe.” Jace's voice is urgent and hardly hides how terrified he's feeling. His words eventually penetrate Alec's brain and he focuses on his brother's eyes, slowly calming his breathing again.  _Jace! You're here! I didn't... I didn't kill... Why can I feel your blood on my hands? Why can I see the life leaving your eyes? And why can I feel how much I ENJOYED it...?_

Jace has no idea what's happening this time, he just knows it's bad, very bad judging from the look of pure horror in Alec's eyes and all he can do is wrap him into a hug and hold him, his soul freezing at hearing Alec's woeful words, “I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,” as he clings to his younger Parabatai.

Izzy wraps her little brother, who's barely keeping from crying, into a tight embrace, Simon moves to put an arm around Clary who's troubled keeping her own tears in check. Magnus meets Jace's eyes, mirroring perfect sorrow and anguish.

Once Alec's in control of himself again he's cursing himself for letting those damn  _untrue_  nightmares get the better of him. He's ashamed, angry and full of guttural pain, but he can't do this to them, not again!

“I'm sorry, I'm okay.” Just unable to meet anyone's eyes and quick to gather Max into his arms when he sees how upset his little brother is  _because of him._  “It's okay, Max, I promise.” The boy is glued to him, his small body shaking and Alec makes a promise to not lose it again, not in front of his little brother, at least!

“Does anyone have a tissue?” Alec asks after a long while of just rocking Max in his arms, finally feeling how he's calmed down again. Magnus snaps his fingers without losing a thought on it, too troubled worrying about Alexander, and hands the box of tissues over.

“Hey, does that mean you got your magic back?” Simon inquires hopefully. All eyes are on the warlock now who's staring at his hands confused for a moment before he does a little flourish, blue flames appearing in both of his palms, staying there this time.

“Great, now you can heal Alec's head, can't you?” Max asks, smiling again, never ceasing to be awed by his favorite warlock's magic. Magnus meets Alec's eyes tentatively, thinking of his last attempts to do good for him by using his magic, and horrendously failing. Alec gives him a crooked little smile that's full of trust and encouragement, however, and Magnus takes a breath, moves for better access and carefully lets his magic work, ready to pull back any moment. But nothing happens, nothing bad.

Alec exhales with the pain finally gone and Magnus is amazed at feeling the void of that cursed dark magic for himself. He quickly alleviates Alec's state of mind and other physical discomforts, at least for a while, before he feels his magic's running low again. It's enough for now anyway.

“Thank you.” Alec whispers meaningfully and leans in to kiss his lips, immediately drowning in blissful sensations. If anyone can make him forget, if only for a short time, it's this mesmerizing man next to him.

Everyone gets the feeling it's time to leave, seeing proof that their friend and brother is feeling much better right in front of them. “Alright, guys, let's all get some rest, Max you're coming with us, okay?” Isabelle stands, smiling down at her little brother.

“Do I have to? I want to stay here with Magnus and Alec and the cats!” He sulks.

“They can come, too. Magnus and Alec need to rest, as well, and we can see them tomorrow.” She bends down to him. “You know he's safe with Magnus, right?” She knows Max is the most protective of Alec now, needing time to work through his trauma and fear of losing him again. But he trusts no one more to look after his big brother than Magnus.

“Yeah, fine, if I have to, but we'll be back first thing tomorrow!” That's a promise and he moves to hug Magnus tightly and Alec even tighter before he coaxes Church and Chairman onto his shoulders to take them. “We're sleeping at the hotel, right? Raphael promised to show me a few more vampire tricks he still hasn't done!” Simon chuckles as everyone else grins, all very grateful that the evil Downworlders lessons have been rather futile on the boy. He loves all the amazing powers they have and demands to know everything about them. And he's charmed his way into many of their hearts somehow.

“I'm sure he will once you show him your most intimidating expression. I'll help you!” Simon winks and moves to hug his friends as well as do the others before they leave out the front door. Alec smiles heartwarmingly after them before he gets the urgent notion to run. “Jace, wait a second!” When the shorter man stops and looks at him rather concerned, Alec's quick to lean in and whisper. “I need to borrow your stele, please.”

Jace is rather taken aback for a moment, but quick to comply and hands him the stele. “Are you okay? Do you need me to-”

Alec quickly shakes his head, smirking a tiny bit. “Remember when you told me to stop thinking with _my_ stele?” At Jace's eyes widening Alec's smirk grows.

“You sly fox.” Jace chuckles, feeling happy that his brother is clearly feeling better, more deserving than anyone else, and he hopes it will last for a long while. Alec grins and they hug once more, squeezing each other.

 

Alec makes his way back to where Magnus is standing, looking a little puzzled and more than anything else, ravishing, hiding the stele behind his back, showing him an enchanted little smile that drives shudders all over Magnus' skin.

The Shadowhunter stops just before they would be touching, gazing into rather brilliantly glowing cat eyes, filling him with such joy to know Magnus is feeling better himself and he's having this kind of effect on him still. “So, are you really tired?” Alec glances down just to look up again coyly, feigning innocence.

Magnus is surprised and thrilled, and once again utterly amazed by his beautiful, charming boyfriend who makes any negative thought vanish into thin air when he's this close and watching him, touching his innermost core with his sparkling hazel gold green amber eyes, who sometimes seem incapable of choosing a color, and Magnus never stops feeling radiant fascination by them, or the way Alexander's upper lip is parting as if in slow motion from his lower lip, one of the most sensual sights he's ever laid eyes on.

Alec is exhilarated at his lover seemingly having lost the ability to speak and takes his answer from that, smirking softly as he reveals the stele, pushes up his top and draws a stamina rune onto his skin while Magnus watches mesmerized, finally catching up with Alec's intention.

When he's done, he quickly puts the stele away safely, flings his arms around Magnus and pulls him flush against himself, devouring his mouth.

They must have been kissing for minutes caressing each other, and finally Magnus' hands decide to speed things up a little finding their way under Alec's black top, intending to pull it off over his head.

Alec's hands close around Magnus' suddenly, halting them and Magnus is alarmed, but only for a second until he meets Alexander's deep eyes, darkened by desire. “Come with me.” He whispers before placing a gentle kiss on Magnus' lips, and leads him to their bedroom by his hand. Alec lets go just for a few seconds, pressing play on their music player, knowing the last CD he inserted is the one that's usually in there. A compilation of piano love songs from all kinds of movies he's yet to watch he got for his birthday from Clary and Simon – and he truly loves every single song on it. It's loud enough to fill the room but quiet enough so he won't miss a single one of Magnus' breaths.

“Close your eyes.” Alec whispers while tracing a finger along Magnus' temple, a tender smile curling around his lips.

Magnus feels as if he could burst with emotions but Alec's warm gaze is calming him enough to breathe evenly again and obey his request. Alec's smile grows and he moves silently to stand behind his love, laying his hands on the back of Magnus' head, starting to massage gently, letting his fingers move as they please, down along Magnus' neck, shoulders, arms and back, eventually freeing his body of his shirt and discarding it on the floor. His hands are warm, keen on heating up every tense muscle in Magnus' body, soothing every strain proving the countless ordeals he's gone through. Alec's set his mind on relieving Magnus' pain and pouring him with all of his love and need to pleasure. And he won't rest until he's completely satisfied with his efforts.

His fingers are slowly running up Magnus' sides and forward to his perfectly defined abdominal muscles while he showers his neck and shoulders and eventually his spine with open-mouthed kisses, moving subconsciously with the music, his ears pricking up deliciously with every tiny sound leaving Magnus' mouth.

When Alec reached the small of Magnus' back and kissed all of his velvety skin there he moves around his waist, continuing his gentle onslaught on his boyfriend's smooth skin that's covered in goosebumps which Alec can feel overrunning his own body with the look of sheer stunned delight in Magnus' eyes. Alec smiles softly as he lets his lips move upwards, his tongue peeking out to lick over an erect nipple forcing a breathy gasp from Magnus who grabs him the moment he's standing upright and crushes their mouths together haphazardly.

Alec's overjoyed with that kind of reaction but he's got a plan to follow, and he will. He loosens Magnus' grip on him carefully, gently pushing him backwards until he's lying on their bed, looking up at Alec with sensual anticipation that the Shadowhunter is hardly able to resist. He averts his eyes for a moment as he, as slowly as he manages, discards his clothes, knowing Magnus is watching him so intensely it's driving a storm of shivers over and through him.

Only after taking a deep breath is he able to meet those eyes again, shining with passion and worship that used to intimidate him like nothing else, but couldn't make him happier in this moment. Alec moves to free Magnus of his remaining clothes and carefully lies down on top of him, seeking out his mouth desiring to taste him, his hands, legs and rest of his body stroking and caressing every connecting part of skin as their moans mingle.

When Magnus' hands on him become too dangerous for Alec to lose control, he takes them into his own, gently pinning them down above their heads. “This is for you, don't fight me on this, please.” He breathes heavily against Magnus' lips, staring down into those glowing, love-filled, wanting eyes, and when he sees the surrender in them he dives in to kiss him sore, claiming possession of this breathtaking body and soul.

His lips and tongue are eventually moving downwards, intending to mark every part of Magnus' body when he's stopped by two loving hands cupping his face. “Do whatever you will but I need you to stay up here with me, I need your face, all of you, close.”

Alec loses his ability to breathe, hearing the heart-splitting plea, Magnus' cat eyes glistening with unspoken emotions of desperate need born from primal fear of loss and solitude.

Unable to let himself think, or deny him ever, Alec quickly moves upwards aligning his face in Magnus' space, smothering him with kisses before their mouths slide together again, slick and heated in a silent promise, their bodies aching to feel each other.

The only moment he pulls back slightly is to watch Magnus' face rippling with pleasure, a stream of blissful moans freed from his mouth, as ecstasy given by Alec's hand is taking him over wholly.

Both speechless with hypnotic emotions they kiss each other breathless once more, Magnus' legs finding their place around Alec's hips naturally, just like Alec's hands entangle themselves with Magnus' above his head, and they never lose eye-contact as they move together in perfect unison, Alec only granting himself to let go once he feels Magnus deliciously clenching around him as they capture each other's vehement cries with their inseparable mouths.

Alec wipes a tear away affectionately that stole itself out of Magnus' eye and they kiss lovingly until their bodies are calm again, Alec eventually moving to rest his head on Magnus' chest so he can listen to his heartbeat, two of their hands and their legs entwined.

“I can't imagine what you've gone through when I didn't come home.” Alec's voice is a faint whisper, but Magnus hears him crystal clear and reacts immediately by tightening his arm around him. Alec couldn't stop his mind from venturing and he wonders if it will ever be able to seek out solely good thoughts again.

“You shouldn't think of any of that, love.” Magnus knows it's a futile request, Alexander has always had the affinity of torturing his own courageous but fragile soul with others' miseries, even more so when he's convinced of being to blame.

“I have to. Not thinking doesn't work or I'll explode, and I just wish so much I could have done something to fight it.” Whatever it was that had taken away his free will and finally his whole existence.

Magnus feels how he's flooded with grief for Alexander. “Do you remember what happened that night?” He used to think of that night as the worst of his life, but having witnessed Alec's suffering has been infinitely worse.

“Yeah, I was rushing to get home to you, and then I got this feeling... like when you know something is just wrong but you can't grasp what... and then...” He swallows heavily and wets his lips. “I couldn't move anymore, not a finger and I felt so cold, like nothing I've ever felt before, it was as if I was freezing from the inside and then... I saw two red spots... like eyes, like fire, and then nothing until I woke up when Jace found me.”

Magnus can feel Alec's body overtaken by unpleasant shivers and quickly snaps his fingers, using his magic to replace them with comforting warmth, not indicating how deeply unsettled he feels himself by his boyfriend's recount.

Alec smiles fondly when he becomes aware of Magnus' doing and moves his head to be able to look at him. “Thank you. For everything you've done... I don't know how it can be real... how I could just forget you...” His throat contracts painfully and cuts off any other words.

Magnus runs his finger along his love's swollen lips, feeling the utmost desperate need to rid him of all and any burden and agony, knowing he cannot, something holding him back forcefully from suggesting to take away those memories. Instead he leans closer, covers Alec's lips with his own and cradles his body protectively with his.

Magnus intends to overpower any sorrowful emotion with one of love, gently kissing and kindly caressing Alec, but he realizes quickly that Alec's indigent of more as he's trying to absorb Magnus' touches in any way possible and Magnus doesn't have to think, but gently moves him, holds him down, and starts a journey along Alec's body, intending to give back every rapturous sensation he received earlier.

Alec's gifted with feelings of nothing but visceral pleasure for a long time, never having felt this limitless trust and freeing vulnerability, radiating love from every pore and when he finally feels Magnus completing not only his body but his very being he can unclasp his barrier, at last, shedding copious tears Magnus kisses away tenderly.

Tears arisen from boundless adoration are adorning Magnus' own face as they shudder together through the highest peak of their love-making, kissing away every liquid trace on each other's faces in the aftermath before they lie together embraced and peacefully and, Alec feeling as safe as he could be, fall asleep eventually.

 


	21. I'm Your Downfall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should know by now that this story, just like me, is an emotional wreckage and rollercoaster ride, so this chapter is no exception...
> 
> Do yourselves a huge favor and once you read this: '...and he suddenly knows the perfect place, or so he hopes.'
> 
> LISTEN to this song for the next part! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DU1L_vmaMuE  
> Bill Ryder-Jones - Seabirds

When Alec wakes he feels something he hasn't in the longest time; at peace. He's not going to question it for a second and instead fully turns his head to the left to watch the man lying next to him, their legs still intertwined.

He takes in the wild state of Magnus' black hair, sticking up in a few places, a few strands falling onto his forehead and in his eyes. His skin is back to its usual warm bronze tone, vibrant and silken, his lashes hovering just above his cheeks. His hand basically moves on its own, a finger touching the tip of Magnus' nose feather light, running downwards, along his velvet like lips, back up over his cheekbone, temple and forehead, carefully wiping the hair away and down his other cheek, along his jaw and chin and down his throat, adam's apple and collarbone. He's never going to tire of touching or watching him.

A tiny movement makes Alec look up again, seeing the warlock's eyelids flicker he holds his breath, wondering whether dark brown or golden cat eyes will meet his, hoping for the latter, and thankfully, they do.

He smiles lovingly, cupping Magnus' cheek and strokes his thumb over his tender lips again, watching as Magnus blinks the sleep from his eyes.

“Alexander, what- oh.” Alec shudders hearing his hoarse voice, no doubt from sleep but exacerbated by their countless moans from last night. The shudders on Alec's body increase endlessly and giving Magnus no time to say anything else he leans in and brushes their lips together, over and over again while his hands continue caressing Magnus' body.

For a fearsome moment Magnus believes that he's dreaming but when his brain catches up he immediately acts, wrapping Alec closer to him, his hands roaming all over strong muscles, light hair and skin strewn with runes and scars and he knows each one by heart. They lose all consciousness for a world outside of each other.

“Shit, I need to pee, I'm sorry.” Alec pulls back flustered, smiling apologetically but he's bursting and quickly leaves their bed for the bathroom, Magnus not letting him out of sight until the door closes, a happy, carefree smile on his face as he stretches languidly before his gaze drops to the bed cover next to him and he reaches out a hand to touch it. It's still warm. Definitely not a dream. This is real, last night was real, his Alexander is real. He feels like screaming, laughing, dancing and bursting with happiness and inside he's doing all of it, but outwardly he's staring down the bathroom door, willing it to open more quickly.

Alec hurries as much as he can, needing to be back with his man, grinning broadly the moment he opens the door and lays eyes on Magnus, lying on his side, an elbow propped up to support his head, a naked leg angled up, the bedcover concealing his waist and other leg. Alec's heart jumps and he's about to dash back into bed to devour his magnificent boyfriend when sudden disturbing sounds appear from the living-room.

“Oh, shit, I guess we're not alone anymore.” Max did threaten they'd be back first thing, though it is past lunchtime. And he's standing naked in their bedroom and someone  _could_  suddenly appear, not everyone big on knocking.  _Jace, Simon._

Magnus left the bed and is standing in front of him now, embracing him around his waist. “You go take a shower while I entertain the family, and hurry.” He leans up slightly to leave Alec with a rightful kiss that should be incentive to rush even more and then Alec watches him grab a navy silk robe, closing it around his body and running a hand through his hair before he winks at him sassily and sidles out the door.

Before Alec can move he takes a deep breath, unable to shake the smile off of his face and then he turns and sprints back into the bathroom to speedily get done with his morning hygienics, still smiling when he reappears and joins everyone in the living-room.

He's immediately greeted by the Chairman jumping onto his shoulder, nuzzling his head, Church walking through his legs, pushing against them and Max rushing forward, his biggest grin plastered on his face and Alec catches him swiftly as he jumps up into his arms. “Hey, Max, guys.” He grins as he squeezes Max tightly and glances around the room at everyone. They're all smiling and kind of... yeah, they're all glowing, looking so much better and rested and gorgeous. It's like a damn dream, but it better not be!

“Well, seeing as you got your main attraction back, I'll retreat to make myself presentable.” Magnus smirks but doesn't leave before he's stolen a kiss and butt squeeze from Alec who looks after him thoroughly flushed, unable to keep the grin splitting his face away, unable to think of anything much but him and them together, having absolutely zero regrets.

He then has to hug everyone, not that it's such a hardship. “You're looking so much better, big brother, I'm so happy for you.” “Thanks, Izzy, you're not looking so bad yourself, all of you, well, maybe not you.” He raises a pointed eyebrow at Simon who looks wounded and counters with jumping at Alec much in the way Max has done earlier, threatening to not let go again.

“Okay, okay, you're handsome, somewhat, now let go.” Alec's voice is mock stern as he can't muster up real annoyance. “I guess I forgive you, for now.” Simon concedes but only lets off of the tall Shadowhunter after dropping a kiss onto his cheek.

Alec wipes it off, frowning. “Why is your boyfriend always kissing me?” Izzy laughs and takes his arm into hers, leaning against him. “I guess you're just too handsome not to.” She leans up to kiss his cheek as well before she lets off him again.

“Right, okay, enough kissing for now! Jace, come over here for a sec.” He walks to the table, takes up the stele and turns to his Parabatai, handing it over. “Thanks for that, I guess you, uh, felt...?”

Jace takes it, grinning widely and pats his shoulder. “Yup, you were pretty intense, but I'm not complaining, bro, it was a good night for me, too.” He glances at Clary who's chatting with Max animatedly and Alec smiles knowingly. “Glad to hear it.”

Jace flicks his stele once, meeting his brother's eyes again. “Yeah, borrow this any time you want.” He winks. “I'm sure I will, seeing that I can't really get another-”

“Alright, mi amigos y amiga,” Izzy smiles at Clary, “let's get breakfast, or rather brunch ready, I think we're all starving!” She receives nods and sounds of agreement and everyone's heading to the kitchen where they left the food they brought. Alec's watching them all fondly before he starts walking but is caught in the movement as the sound of the bedroom door opening stops him and makes him turn again.

His heart and libido drop to his knees, his breath catching in his throat, as Magnus appears, looking even more astonishing than Alec remembers. He wasn't gone long but he sure has perfected his time management. His hair is styled impeccably, done up and slicked back, a sheen of blue and silver glitter sparkling off it, dark eye-shadow with delicate silver streaks beautifying his eyes even more so. His lips are shining with mildly glittery lip gloss and Alec just knows it will taste like honeysuckle, blueberries or something else delicious to him. Magnus is dressed in a teal satin shirt, fine silver patterns woven into it, the top buttons undone, no doubt for Alec's benefit, and black jeans that compliment his strong legs immaculately.

Magnus, vibrating blissfully, bathing in Alexander's obvious delight at his appearance, steps closer, showing him an entrancing smile. “Have the cats got your tongue, my love?” He quips happily, his eyes sparkling.

Alec's mouth actually dropped open and he's blinking dumbly, inept of forming cohesive thoughts, but one.

He's so fast, Magnus is actually taken by surprise as he feels Alec's mouth smashing against his, his long, strong arms locked around him, pressed against Alec's warm, solid body and it's beyond tempting to simply take him back to their bedroom and shut the door so no one, not even the cats, could get in.

Sweet lime, one of Alec's favorites. How is he supposed to keep his mouth and hands away from this preying allurement that is Magnus?!

Loud meowing and voices a second later. Right, they are not alone here.  _Get a grip, Lightwood._ He wipes his lips as he physically constrains himself to let go of Magnus and step away from him as it's really too dangerous otherwise, and everyone's smirking at them already!

“You got something on your face! Here, and here, and here.” Jace taunts him, pointing at his brother's face before wiping his hand all over it, Alec fighting him off. “Yeah, yeah, just shut up.” He feels so flushed but full of energy and so damn exhilarated and happy, he could explode! He never ever wants to lose these feelings again and glancing back at Magnus who is smirking saucily, because he can't hold himself back, Alec is rather positive that he won't.

“Let's eat!” Clary interjects, unable to hide her own grin and they all settle around the table, sharing glances and Max telling them all about what he learned from Raphael and what the cats got up to. Magnus' and Alec's gazes meet in consummate understanding.

They're almost finished when Clary's cell rings and the look she shares with Jace lets Alec know something is up immediately. Jace takes the phone and leaves the room and Alec's so close to going after him to inquire who it is and what's going on. And when Jace comes back a few minutes later, looking rather sullen, Alec knows his happy bubble is about to pop.

“Who-”

“Our mother, she called Clary's phone yesterday, so often I eventually answered, she was frantic and I told her you're alright and safe but don't want to see her. She got that you're here and, well, she demands to see you or she'll come here herself... and also... the Silent Brothers want to speak with all of us.” _Especially you._ Jace doesn't even need to say it for it to penetrate Alec's psyche.

_POP!_

Alec feels punched in his gut, color immediately draining from his face and he's glad he's still sitting. Magnus is by his side and Jace crouched down in front of him. “I'm sorry, Alec, but look, you don't have to see her, Magnus can just move the loft again or you can go somewhere else... and the Silent Brothers just have to do their job to get order into all that chaos, it will be okay.” Alec just wants to cry, but he won't, not a chance in hell!  _Think of Max!_  Why is it always him crushing their happiness?

He forces a little smile and nods. “Yeah, it's fine, I know.” Flashbacks from Alistair's interrogation deluge his mind and icy shivers are spreading over his skin. He can't let those memories,  _any_ memories get the better of him, though. And he's not in any danger now... it's just his duty to help solve this mess. He just wishes he wouldn't feel like choking from just thinking about anything outside of their loft. He would choose to stay in here for a damn long time if only he could.

He sends a better, reassuring smile to Max and ruffles his hair. “When this is done we should all go on a vacation or something, I think we earned it.”

“Yes! The beach!” Alec's smile turns more genuine at the excitement in his little brother's voice. “Yeah, sure, sounds good.” He pulls him closer, keeping the smile for everyone else.

When everyone's busy clearing the table, Alec steals himself back into the bedroom and when he emerges again he's fully dressed in his black hunting gear. “Do you know where my bow and quiver are?” He's met with six pairs of startled eyes.

“They're here, safe, but why do you need them?” Magnus inquires, cautiously stepping closer, feeling rather anxious about this sudden development.

“Oh, good, I was worried they may still be in Texas. I don't need them, not now, I just...” He sighs wearily, traces of the misery he's been through clearly visible on his face again. “I just wanna go to the institute and get this over with.” He won't ever be ready to face his mother again, and he won't find any peace of mind either, so he can as well do it right now, and maybe he won't feel too shit...

“Alexander, are you sure? You don't have to do this, especially not right now.” Magnus feels sick with worry about him having to confront Maryse, and so shortly after having escaped from that terror.

Alec smiles gently and takes Magnus' hands into his own gloved ones. “Yeah, I won't be able to concentrate on anything else, I just want it all to be over, so we can just... be together.” His voice turned quieter, his face moving closer and his eyes shut as their lips connect.

“Well, I'm coming with you for protection, I'm not happy with our mother, either, and she better not think I'm on her side, and I also need my stele back!” Max says resolutely, moving to stand next to his big brother who's parted from Magnus again and looks down at Max affectionately.

“Thanks, Max, I really appreciate it, but I don't think that's-"

“Actually, I'm coming, too.” Jace. “I think we're all coming.” Izzy meets her big brother's eyes, fiery determination written all over her face. Simon and Clary are in complete agreement and Alec is a little bit speechless, hating how relieved that makes him feel, because they shouldn't ever have to fight his battles, but he also has had to learn that they've been doing it for a long time, and he would do exactly the same for each one of them, so how is he meant to deny them?

“So will I, seeing that the quickest way to get there and back is by portal.” Magnus hasn't finished speaking as his hands move elegantly, opening a portal for them all, everyone feeling joyed that his magic is back at full force.

Alec sighs softly, a grateful smile reflected in his eyes. He watches them go through until only Magnus and he are left. And the cats who are watching them closely from the couch.

“Thank you for this.” Alec notices how much this means to him from the way his voice quivers and his heart pounds. Magnus cups his face with his soft hands and gazes into his shimmering hazel eyes. “You don't have to thank me, Alexander, wherever you'll go, I'll follow. If you ever leave my side again I'm going to chain you to my hip to make sure you won't be able to, no matter how much you'll complain.”

Alec can't but grin gently, bringing his arms around Magnus' neck and leaning in to drop a kiss on his lips. “I won't, I promise.” He hopes with everything he's got that he will be able to keep it.

* * *

The others have waited for Magnus and Alec to join them before they enter the institute, Alec in the lead with Magnus and Jace right behind him, Clary and Max, and Simon and Isabelle following just a few steps behind.

Alec can't shake the feeling of walking to his own slaughter, even though it's ridiculous, how many arguments have they had since the day he kissed Magnus in front of everyone at his supposed wedding? Countless, that's for sure, but this feels more vigorous in a gloomy way. He's making his face and whole body hard, as tense as possible, feeling slightly more confident to fight wearing his familiar gear, and with those amazing people having his back.

His fingers are twitching nervously, though, when his mother comes into view and he has to refrain himself from falling into the inbred behavioral pattern of moving his arms behind his back obediently, he will never do that again. Instead, he's crossing them in front of his chest, making himself as tall as possible with his legs apart to ground himself more strongly. Inwardly he's taking a deep, long breath.

Maryse is glad to see her oldest son well, relieved her other children are back healthily as well, but disappointed and vexed at seeing the vampire and the thorn in her flesh, Magnus Bane. She tries to ignore them as she's not letting herself be intimidated by Alec's stance, takes him by his upper arms and leans up to kiss his cheek, feeling a little taken aback by his tenseness and hardened face, not getting any kind of reaction.

“Alec, I am so happy you're okay, let's go to my office and talk.” Away from prying eyes and ears.

“No, whatever you have to say you can do it right here.” His voice is unflinching, sounding a lot more rigorous than he expected and he's glad. He won't give her even the tiniest chance to sway his mind her way. He can't, for his own sake.

“Alec... fine.” He can see how she masks her own face, no intention of backing down or losing face in front of them, in front of the  _Downworlders._  It makes him sick.

“I am truly sorry for my part in this, son, I sincerely hope you believe me that I had no idea about Alistair's schemes, to me it seemed like the only way to get you home safely and to protect you from this evil, and what really matters is that it worked and you're free and got your memories back?” She wants this assurance from him himself.

Alec can't but think 'protect you from this evil' includes Magnus. He knows her too well by now. He nods once, trying to find the words to tell her what he needs to say, even though he expects it to fall on deaf ears. But he  _needs_ to say it anyway.

“Yes, I remember  _everything,_ and I don't even care anymore about the way you tried to manipulate me into giving myself up, but  _using_  Max to do it was low, even for you, but luckily he's got great friends to look out for him.” She would be livid if she knew how many friends in Downworlders by now, not that she could do anything about it, he wouldn't let her. He'd rather Max spent all his time with the vampires and werewolves than any moment here where she could harm him by spreading her poison.

“I didn't want to  _use_  your brother, but it was the only way to get the message to you, and it worked and I knew your  _friends_ would protect him and I am grateful for that.” She manages to meet Simon's eyes for a second, completely disregarding Magnus.

Alec almost snorts, shooting her a very sceptical look, but fighting a lost fight is not what he's here for.

“Do you remember that night, just a few weeks before I... disappeared, when we were talking at the library? What you told me? I tried to explain to you how much better I felt about myself and my life and you actually lied to me, telling me you  _accepted_  my decisions at last, even though you weren't happy about them, but you never did accept anything!”

“Alec, that's not tr-” He's holding up a hand to stop her, dropping his arms to his sides, hands fisted.

“It  _is,_ mother. I thought we were finally getting somewhere, mending our relationship, that you could really accept  _me_  and me being in love with Magnus, but you just pretended to, because the moment you saw a chance of tainting my mind against him, you took it! When I was in a state of total helplessness, you abused it! And I won't ever forgive you for that, and you will never understand how that makes me feel.” He looks up, closing his eyes for a moment, taking a breath, before he regards her again, her face pure defiance. She truly won't ever get it. So, he'll just say whatever he needs to this once.

“Do you even... do you have any clue about what I, what we've all been through? If not for Magnus and Ragnor and Catarina and Simon I'd be dead right now, they've done and cared more for me in the last couple of weeks than you ever seem to have. If you really loved me as a parent should, unconditionally, you'd be so fucking happy for me because nothing and no one has ever made me happy like Magnus is doing every single day, and  _he_ loves me so much he almost died for me, and would have, even my friends and siblings would die for me and I for them, because we love each other unconditionally and they actually want to see me happy and loved, and I really can't say the same for you and I don't have words to tell you how that makes me feel... but maybe it doesn't matter, as long as I have them and Magnus I don't want or need whatever you have to offer. I don't need you in my life, I thought I did because you're my damn mother, but...” He swallows hard but quickly continues to get it over with.

“You can spit your toxins all you like but not with us, not with Max, not in my presence and I won't ever let you treat my friends and especially Magnus, my life partner, like scum when he's the one person you owe so much respect to, you should freaking worship him because that's what he deserves, but you'll never actually get that and I feel sorry for you... just don't even look at him the wrong way or you may truly never see me again, should you even care to.”

Alec can feel himself crumbling and it's time to retreat, particularly because, even though she's rather stunned, she's about to flood him, he can tell.

“Just... don't, just leave me in peace, just leave me.” He's holding up his hands, his face gone pale, moving backwards, the others making room for him, staring in disbelief, completely staggered by his words and hurting so badly for him. None of them actually grants Maryse another glance, all heading to catch up with Alec to see what they can do to take some of his burden from him.

He doesn't manage to get out of the institute, instead finds his old room and quickly heads inside, sliding to the floor, dropping his head into his hands. His heart is racing, his breath is ragged, he feels dizzy and weak, chills are tormenting his body and he feels as if he's completely losing control over himself, everything, and it's made much worse by vicious memories overflowing his mind.

Jace, who ran after him, is the first to find him, having felt his brother's oncoming panic attack even before he saw the state he's in now. He manages to calm him slightly but only when Alec realizes that Magnus is next to him is he able to calm himself enough while clinging to his boyfriend, to breathe evenly again.

“Take me away, Magnus, please, just take me far away.” Away from this place, his mother,  _away_   _from his mind._

Magnus shares an excruciating look with Jace, glad the others stayed with Max outside, and he suddenly knows the perfect place, or so he hopes.

* * *

He can feel rather cold wind in his face, his nose is filled with scents of salt and earth.

His ears prick up at the sound of birds, seagulls? He opens his eyes, astounded by the sight before him. They're somewhere at the sea, high up on a cliff where the sun is setting, tinging the horizon in soft red, orange, yellow and blue colors, streaked with white, grey and black clouds, below them the vast sea, and he can hear waves crashing against the sturdy rock beneath them.

As he looks up there are a dozen seabirds circling above the cliffs, calling. He closes his eyes and inhales fervently, leaning back against the strong body he's half lying against. He needn't see whose it is, there's only one person gifting him with this extent of care and safety.

As his eyes are taking in the beautiful sight before them he brings Magnus' hands up and kisses his knuckles, Magnus' arms around him tightening. “Where are we?”

“The cliffs of Moher in Ireland. Luckily rain's holding out for now.” Alec can hear and feel the soft smile in his silken voice, eliciting a stunned little smile from himself.

“It's beautiful.” He breathes out, entangling two of their hands, feeling Magnus' lips against his temple.

“Not as beautiful as you.” Magnus barely whispers.

Alec feels a tear running along the side of his cheek and exhales profoundly.

They've been just watching the sunset for several minutes, relishing each other's closeness.

“How'd you know to bring me here?”

“Just a guess, albeit a calculated one. Whenever you're close to water you relax and get that dreamy look in your eyes.” Magnus grins slightly, burying his nose in Alec's hair.

“I don't get dreamy looks.” Alec retorts amusedly.

“Oh, you do, my love, you do. It's like you're so overwhelmed by the sight of the endlessness in front of you, be it waters or the sky, you see your troubles as insignificant in comparison, and you just calm down and let yourself be one small part of the vastness of living. However, you are the most spectacular part of it all.”

Alec bites his lip to stop a sob from escaping his mouth and rather turns to be able to look at the man whose love is the true endlessness that overpowers and calms him at the same time and he brings a hand up to cup Magnus' neck and conveys all his heartfelt feelings for him in a passionate, drawn out kiss.

  

When they finally part Alec is warmed to his toes, breathlessly licking over his swollen lips. If he could just drown in Magnus for the rest of his life he'll persevere, but he'll have to come up for air every time and that's when he's faced with suffocation.

“Alexander, please believe me when I say this. I don't know anyone else in this world or another who could have found the courage to go through what you did, find such strength and trust, and face such ordeal, and the way you stood up to Maryse... you know you didn't have to for my sake, but you're the bravest person to do it anyway, for you, and whatever I can do, no matter what, you ought to let me know, because I will, anything, anytime.”

Magnus' voice is so honest and sincere, Alec doesn't know how to breathe properly and he wishes he wouldn't have to be 'brave', not that he actually believes he is. He feels like the smallest and most trivial creature to ever live, and that he doesn't deserve any amount of care, but he's craving it, needing everything Magnus can give so desperately to stay grounded and not get lost in oppressive emptiness.

“Just stay with me.” That's really all he truly needs. He can't do anything, especially what's to come, without Magnus, he's absolutely certain of it.

“Always.” It's a promise that patches a few pieces of Alec's brokenness and he holds tighter onto the man who has to carry the burden of being his lifesaver.

Twilight has settled, the birds have vanished but a few and the cold is threatening to creep into their bones. “Do you want to stay here?” Alec managed to get lost in the sounds of the waves and the wind, but Magnus' gentle voice is bringing him back. 

“Yes, but we'll probably freeze.” Still he'd like to because he can't tear himself away from this place and this moment, this little haven of peace, yet.

Magnus who anticipated Alec's answer untangles his hands from him carefully and snaps his fingers. Alec watches in mesmerized silence as blue sparks turn into a whole blanket of blue energy that settles around them, providing instant heat.

“You're really amazing.” He tilts his head to the side and upwards to meet Magnus' glowing eyes. “I know, I'm quite magical indeed.”

Alec blushes lightly, chuckling softly. “I've acted so dumb all that time, I'm so sorry, that was so screwed up, and yes, I know, not my fault, but still... I  _felt_ things around you and about you, but I really couldn't get my head around them, I only remembered when it was already too late, if I had just a bit sooner...” He sighs world-weary. “I know it can't be changed, and I should focus on the future, which actually terrifies me, so I should not, only on the here and now.” He rubs his eyes and leans back further into his boyfriend. 

“Shhh, it will all fall into place now, you needn't worry about anything, I won't let anyone hurt you again.” The utmost determination in his voice does not hide the fear in his heart but he won't let it show, and he was completely genuine when he told Alec he wouldn't leave his side again, there's no way.

Alec is quiet for the longest moment and Magnus is a little tense and edgy, scared he said something wrong or better, that Alec sees right through his bullshit exterior.

“But if we're both honest, I'm the one who hurt and hurts _you_ the most, Magnus, unintentionally or not. I'm your downfall, you said so yourself.” It isn't just about _him_ , he can hardly stand any more attention, always being everyone's main concern, dragging them down with him, and Magnus worst of all because he loves him more than anyone, more than himself, more than he's ever loved and Alec knows this because he was forced to, being with Magnus wasn't going to allow for anything else, and having this kind of power over Magnus never falters to crush Alec if he lets it happen, and at times he's not strong enough to fight it. 

Magnus' heart stops, a clammy coldness settling inside him despite the warmth from his magic. That is what Alexander's been thinking...? It's not like he's shocked, because he knows his Shadowhunter inside out, but it pains him  _so much_ . 

He takes a deep breath. “I did say that and it is the truth, but I wouldn't change it for anything in any world or anyone in any century, Alexander, I am happy that it's you and no one else, because you're the one for me, and there won't ever be another one because I'm ruined for all time, and that is not a terrible thing to me. I would rather be with you for five minutes than with dozens of others for years, and that's a choice I made and I have many regrets, but loving you with all that I am won't ever be one of them. You've given me so much I didn't even know I wanted or needed, and you made my life truly worth living, and no one, not even you yourself could take that away from me, because you're ingrained in my soul and that's forever, and I'd die in a heartbeat if that were taken from me, so don't trouble yourself with these kinds of thoughts, my love, because I never will. All I need is to have you in my arms, and to know that you love me. That is it.” 

Alec's been holding his breath, thinking he may just faint any second now but he's compelled to breathe out, his chest rising and setting fast, Magnus' words playing on his mind like a broken record. He finally pushes himself into action, moves away to turn around and take Magnus down with him, his face hovering above the warlock's. “I love you so fucking bad it hurts like fucking hell, Magnus Bane, and that's one ache I don't ever want to lose again, never doubt it.” His kiss is scorching Magnus, ensuring he couldn't even doubt Alec if he intended to.

After a while they lie closely entwined, looking up at the brilliance of the night sky, studded with endless bright stars, a cocoon of warmth and safety around them, but Alec's inner world is consisting of splittered shards he doesnt know how to piece together again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update may really take a longer while because I need to sort the plot out, and if I don't manage until Friday, I'll be gone a week from Saturday without being able to write, but I'll have to see.


	22. No Sugar-Coating

“ _Alexander, Magnus wants it for himself, doesn't he? Doesn't he? Can you trust him? They're all just using you!”_

“ _What? No! They're my family and friends! What-”_

“ _Don't worry, it will all be fine, you won't be harmed.“ Laughter._

“ _Give yourself up, Alec, it's your duty! You can't want all these innocent people to be tortured for you! You're not worth it, you're not good enough!”_

“ _Alec! Alec, help me! Please! Don't let him kill me! ALEC!” Screams._

“ _Alec, don't let him kill us! Help us! Don't let him kill Max! PLEASE ALEC!” More screams._

“ _Save me, please, kill me, Alexander, I'm begging you, please.” Crying._

“ _Kill them, kill them all, you know you want to. Here, have a knife, a sword, an axe, your bow, or your bare hands, you can kill them, make them suffer for what they did to you. You know you want to, you love it, you need it! KILL THEM!”_

“Aahhhhh!!”

Alec wakes up yelling, gasping for air, his upper body surging upright, he's sweating, his lungs are aching, he can't get enough air inside, his eyes flick about uncontrollably, unable to focus anywhere until they eventually connect with a pair of golden, glowing ones and he's slowly calming down, taking deep breaths.

Magnus woke up a while sooner, noticing Alec's body twitching, his eyelids moving frantically, uttering soft, pained moans. Magnus felt an immediate flashback of the horror they'd felt whenever Alec had been trapped in a nightmare. But that thing was  _gone!_  So this wasn't that... just... a regular nightmare, which is terrible enough.

He talked to him, tried to wake him up, soothe him, stroked his face and held his hand and finally, Alec woke up with a start, and it's ripping Magnus' heart, but he's awake, he can be woken up, and Magnus fears that these nightmares will be part of his life for a long time to come.

When he sees recognition in Alec's eyes, he moves closer and wraps him into his arms, speaking and humming gently while stroking his tense back and waiting for the trembles to disappear. Magnus knows he'll have to defer anything else to just be there for him and get him through this and everything else that will undoubtedly be thrown their way.

Alec's pushed his face into Magnus' neck, gripping his jacket and calming his breathing, willing all those voices from his nightmare away.  _His own voice_ , but it sounded so different, wrong and vicious,  _not_  him! Just a dream, he didn't really think nightmares would spare him now, did he? And at least he woke up and his memories are intact and he's okay, Magnus is here, he's okay!

He draws a few deep breaths and relaxes a little, moving backwards, but unable to look at Magnus directly. “Please don't apologize, love, there's really no need.” Alec could laugh and cry but just feels stupid and pathetic, and predictable and weak. He nods vaguely and glances around. They're still on the cliff, it's probably not started to dawn long ago, the horizon colored in faint yellow, blue and purple light in between dark grey. There's an icy wind blowing but Alec only feels it slightly, guessing Magnus' magic is still warming him. He's always doing it, always looking out for him, taking care of everything, mending every broken bone, gash, bruise or scratch. The physical stuff is so easy to heal, but this... his head... it feels beyond fixable, too many shattered pieces making it impossible to sort out the intricate disarray.

“Alexander?” Alec blinks and glances up, unable to hold Magnus' worried gaze. He rubs his face and moves, angling up his knees, placing his arms on them. “I'm okay, I guess we should head back.” He kind of wishes he could stay here and not face anything or anyone in the near future, but wishful thinking never got him anywhere, and there are things he has to do, and wanting doesn't come into it. He knows this, has always known it, but ever since Magnus... why is he even thinking about this now? He's not the way he used to be and that is a  _good_  thing! Just, maybe... maybe he could try to feel less again. He used to be good at that once upon a time, at least he could make himself believe it. Not having to feel or think would be really nice.

“We can, if you want to.” Alec's eyes are moving towards his boyfriend's caring voice but he holds them back from actually looking at him. “Yeah, let's.”

Magnus wants to know what the dream was about, but he can tell all the signs of a withdrawn Alexander, and right now he would only succeed in angering or upsetting him further, and that's the last he wants. He gets up, opens a portal and holds out his hand for Alec, holding his breath, waiting for him to take it. He can only exhale when he does and together they step through back into the loft.

“Catarina!” Magnus is rather stunned to see her but he was hoping to hear from her and Ragnor soon, seeing her is even better, although she doesn't look as rested as he'd expect. They hug each other tightly. “Magnus, I'm glad to see you well, especially you, Alec.” She smiles and hugs the Shadowhunter close, squeezing him.

“Thanks for everything you did for me.” Alec says softly, feeling guilty, not getting his head around what she and Ragnor and Magnus did to save him. “You're very welcome, my friend.” She stands back, looking at him closely for a moment, seeing all the symptoms of an ailing mind. He can't hold her gaze and rubs his neck awkwardly, thinking of something to say... or do... do.

“Um, if you don't need me I'll just refresh myself.” Catarina steps back not wanting to make him feel so uncomfortable and Magnus cups his cheek, dropping a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Of course, darling, take your time.” Alec nods and quickly leaves to the bedroom, exhaling in relief once the door is shut.

And when he spots Church and Chairman curled up on the bed, a smile steals across his face, and he joins them for cuddles which is much more important than anything else.

“How is he?” Catarina makes Magnus sit with her on the couch, watching him concerned.

“Not good, he's been through too much and though part of his torture is over, there's still too much troubling him, he also just had a nightmare, and I... one day at a time, right?” He smiles a little for her but it's clear that he can't feel it.

She hugs him again. “If there's anything I can do, you let me know.”

“Thank you, my friend, now catch me up on what's been happening with you? Where's Ragnor?” She sits back again, a troubled look on her face instantly letting Magnus know something is wrong.

“He needs some space right now, Magnus, I don't want to burden you with anything else, you need to look after Alec, but I also have to warn you. We've been looking for a way to destroy the sphere, but so far nothing useful has come up. I've looked through Rayna's things but if she knows how to do it, it's not there. The sphere has been... calling on us, to make use of it, demanding more blood sacrifices. We haven't done anything, but it's been rather troubling, and I think Ragnor was close to giving into it, even I... it's very powerful, very tempting. I'm guessing you couldn't feel it because you were far enough, and if I'd known I would have hidden it sooner. I fear that Rayna is even more closely connected to it and definitely trying to find it, so I will keep looking for information. I've put a strong concealing spell on it, but I doubt it will be enough to hide it for long, especially with Rayna's powers.”

Magnus took her hands to comfort her, cursing himself for not having been there for his friends, but even he can't be in two places at the same time, and choosing between  _anyone_  and Alexander... it may make him a horrible person, but that's the way it is. At least  _everyone_ knows.

“What can I do to help?” He can't not do anything, as long as he doesn't have to leave Alec alone.

“Well, I was hoping there was maybe a clue in the Book of the White, you've hidden it too well for me to find.” She grins softly.

“Of course, I'll get it right away.” Magnus is secretly glad that the spell he put on his hidden safe is strong enough to even keep it hidden from Catarina. He's a High Warlock after all.

“Here you go, dear, keep it for as long as you want. I'll just check on Alexander.” He knows that his boyfriend probably wants some space, but he has to anyway, it's more important than maybe being reprimanded.

He doesn't know whether to knock and stands stupidly in front of his bedroom door before he shakes the strange, insecure feeling off and enters. It's  _their_  bedroom!

The sight of Alexander curled up on his side on the bed, stroking the cats is melting his heart at once, and he actually feels guilty now for disturbing, well, he hasn't yet as it seems that Alec hasn't... ah, too late. Church, the stinker, gave him away.

Magnus is about to apologize when his movements freeze as he sees Alec pat the bed behind him, a trace of a smile showing, but it's enough to lighten up his face and Magnus' insides. He curses himself for hesitating and swiftly takes the spot behind his boyfriend, spooning him and wrapping his arm around him, dropping a kiss onto his temple. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Alec turns his head a little more to get a good look at his man, being with the cats having calmed him down immensely. “Everything okay?”

Magnus isn't quite sure how to answer, not wanting to trouble him more with yet another problem, also not wanting to lie or keep things from him. “Pretty much, she's just looking for a spell to get rid of that annoying sphere, and knowing her she will most certainly find it.” Not the whole truth, not untrue either. It's a thin line anyway.

“Does she need our help?” Magnus feels a sudden rush of delight at Alexander using that word  _our_ , they're still a team, have been for a long while and will continue to be. “I gave her the Book of the White, she'll let us know.”

Alec nods, lies his head down again and presses back further into Magnus who takes this as permission to shower his neck with butterfly kisses. Alec closes his eyes and relaxes, finding peace for a moment, but gruesome images push through the darkness behind his eyelids and he quickly opens them again. Magnus can feel the change in his boyfriend's body, tension returning. He moves his head to press his cheek against Alec's, finding his hand to cover with his, pushing his fingers gently in between Alec's knuckles.

“We have to go shopping.” Alec's trying to think of practical, mundane things in hope of distracting his mind enough to not get overwhelmed by all that shit. And he's sure their fridge is still empty. And they need food, even though he doesn't feel hungry, but he'll have to make himself, and also, he really enjoys cooking, and it's another distraction. “And then I'll cook, what do you want?” He's turning his hand so he can entangle their fingers, fitting perfectly as ever.

“Mmmm... that's a tough one, everything you cook is delicious, except that weird dish.”

Alec frowns. “What weird dish?”

“You know, the one with those white beans in that chili sauce.” Magnus gets awkward shudders thinking about it. It just did not taste well, at all.

“Oh, that one, yeah, not one of my best choices, the recipe seemed alright, but the taste was pretty awful. Well, I feel like pasta anyway, with mushrooms and cherry tomatoes, or spinach?” Who knew that talking about food could keep your demons at bay, he'll take whatever reprieve he can get.

“Sounds good to me.”

“Which option?”

“All of them.”

“You're incorrigible.”

“Anything for you, darling.”

They're both grinning.

Alec moves onto his back carefully, pulls Magnus on top of him and places his hands on both sides of Magnus' face, his fingertips caressing his temples and short shaven hair. Their bodies tingle with hot sparks as they gaze at each other. Alec never knew that something could hurt so bad, yet provide more joy of living than he'd have thought possible. Only Magnus Bane could have enchanted him like this without any magic. His thumbs are gently massaging Magnus' cheekbones before he's running his fingers slowly all over the warlock's face, stopping them on his lips, glancing up, the look in his eyes making Magnus lose his breath, Alec's fingers wander further, along his chin, down his throat, stopping to feel his too fast pulse.

“If I'm beautiful, you're dazzling.”

Magnus is confident, sometimes bordering on self-regarding, but underneath it, there's a vulnerability and need for reassurance he never permits to come to the surface, but for some reason Alexander succeeds in stripping him of every cautiously layered protective barrier, leaving him baring his very soul, and not even minding.

They both seem speechless and Alec moves his head up a little, catching Magnus' upper lip in between his, softly pulling, sliding his lips tenderly against his boyfriend's, then leans back, watches him intently for another moment and dives in again, eyes shut, letting his feelings and intuition guide him while he closes his arms around Magnus' body to hold him safely against himself. Magnus feels as if he's pulled into an alternate universe where he's sleeping on clouds, caressed by an angel's touch that feels like stars tickling his skin.

After a couple of minutes Alec abruptly turns his head away, coughing. “Sorry.” He coughs again and Magnus moves up, still totally dazed but concern piercing through his trance-like state. “I'm just really thirsty.” Actually Alec feels parched, not remembering when he last had something to drink.

Magnus is quick to act and hands him a glass of water, moving back further so Alec can sit up and drink it. He downs it, sighs relieved and licks his lips to which Magnus' eyes are transfixed. Alec smiles and puts the glass on the bedside table. “I think we should really get that shopping done, we still won't manage to live off love and air alone.”

“But we could try.” Magnus retorts, still staring at Alec's mouth that forms into a sly smirk. “We have tried, several times, it's not working. C'mon, I may have something for you later.” He moves forward, drops a kiss onto Magnus' lips and gets up to quickly wash up and change into more casual clothes. Magnus stares after him, sighing dreamily before he shakes himself out of his ridiculous state and because he can't be bothered to move, magicks himself more presentable.

“Cheater.” When Alec steps back into their bedroom he notices Magnus' different look immediately. And he knows that he would not have had the time to change and apply perfect makeup and wash the glitter out of his hair, seeing that Alec was occupying the bathroom anyway.

“Skill is skill, and my impeccable  _dazzling_  self has a vast amount of it.” Magnus is standing now, gesturing elegantly with his hand, his shoulders slightly swaying as he regards Alexander who's actually wearing nothing but a towel around his waist, and Magnus doesn't even pretend not to stare, if he'd known Alexander was planning on taking a shower he would have joined him, though they wouldn't get any food into themselves for a lot longer... and judging from Alec's slimmed down body, Magnus needs to make sure he'll get at least three meals a day again.

Alec squints an eye and ignores his overconfident boyfriend, at least he lets himself appear this way, he can never ignore him, not even if he wants to. It takes him just a minute in their walk-in closet (not as big as the one in the safe house), and he's back wearing a maroon sweater and blue jeans, and Magnus continues to stare. Alec chuckles inwardly and moves to get his wallet from its usual place, but it's not there. Right... it's been... a long time... he swallows down the ominous feeling and pulls open a few drawers, surely Magnus didn't put it away too far. He halts suddenly, a soft shiver running along his back and he reaches out a hand to take the item of his surprise out of the drawer and turns towards Magnus.

“You found it? Where? I spent hours looking for it.” He sounds and looks stunned.

Magnus smiles softly, glad Alec found it as he had not yet remembered to give it back to him, and moves to stand before him.

“It was stuck in a drain grate nearJava Jones.” One day Magnus' eyes spotted something sparkly and curiosity got the better of him, when he actually realized what it was, however, he almost broke down crying on the street. He managed to delay it until he was home again.

Alec's eyes widen in surprise. Java Jones?! But that means... “So, it didn't get ripped in the demon fight. Shit, I could have looked for weeks and not found it, I was so sure that's where I lost it.”

He remembers now, before the hunt that day Simon had insisted on getting some new caramel coffee stuff Alec didn't care for and Jace and he had gone with him to indulge him, and Simon had been his usual giddy self and way too energetic and actually spilled half of that damn coffee on Alec, and somehow the three of them had ended up in a wrestling match, and apparently that's when the string had ripped and he hadn't noticed.

Once he had found that it was gone, after the fight, he had run back to the scene and searched the whole place in great detail, the others taking pity on him and helping, but even after three hours they hadn't found it and even when Alec retraced every step of his it was still gone. He had even walked past the coffee shop, but he hadn't checked any drain grates.

Now that he's holding it in his hands he sees the tear clearly. He takes the cat eye shaped pendant into two of his fingers, moving it lightly to see the color change. Magnus had given it to him about four months into their relationship, somehow having known that Alec had wanted some reminder of him to take with him wherever he went, and when Alec had seen the necklace, a black string holding the pendant, he had lost, once again, his ability to speak.

The stone was perfectly smooth and at first he had only seen Magnus' bright golden eye but once he moved it, it turned green – Chairman's – and then a soft yellow and brown – Church's. He had been overwhelmed with feelings, shocked at how amazing it was and that Magnus had somehow guessed and found the  _perfect_ gift for him. He had seldom – never - loved an item so much and he had taken profound care of it, until that day.

Magnus is struck with a shattering amount of emotions, watching that magnificent look in Alexander's sparkling eyes. He simply doesn't have the words...

“Thank you for this, I guess I shouldn't wear it anymore in case I lose it again.” He feels deeper regret at his words than he should but it's for the best. Magnus moves quickly, takes the necklace from him and lets his blue magic free.

“Here, I really should have done this before. Now it will only come off when you want it to.” Alec takes it back surprised, staring a moment at the fixed string and then he quickly pulls it over his head and hides the pendant under his sweater and T-shirt. He loves how familiar it feels and smiles broadly at Magnus who is crumbling inside, remembering that agony of believing he had lost  _this_  forever. He couldn't survive it another time, he just couldn't.

Alec's smile falters when he perceives the sore sadness in Magnus' eyes. He must have found it when he was... gone. Imagining Magnus disappearing, for months, without any clue... it's too much to take in, it really is. Alec's sure he would have self-destructed sooner or later. Losing Jace to Valentine was bad enough, but at least he kind of knew where he was, that he was alive, but this... his eyes look down, a lump forming in his throat. How did they cope? How did Magnus?

“Did you... did you ever lose hope that you would find me?” Magnus freezes, eyes wide as he meets Alec's gaze. He's not prepared and he doesn't know how to answer that without it sounding sheer horrible.

“I...”

A knock on the bedroom door saves him, for now. He gives Alec an apologetic look and hurries to open it. Alec makes a mental note to ask someone about all of this later, as he already has a fairly good idea who.

“Catarina, have you found anything?”

“Sorry for the disturbance, and no, I haven't, but I could think of a few more possibilities so I'll take my leave now.”

“Is there anything we can help you with?” Alec stepped forward, eager at the opportunity to actually  _do_ something, something helpful.

She shakes her head, smiling softly at him. “Not at this time, but I will let you know and I'll call you soon.” She turns back to Magnus and hugs him, then Alec. “And make sure to call Ragnor, but don't worry if he doesn't answer immediately.” Magnus nods, feeling a pang of guilt and walks her into the living-room where she disappears in her portal.

Alec found his wallet in the next drawer, got out a winter coat and scarf as it's really chilly outside and they leave for the shops. They don't talk that much, Alec taking in the familiar surroundings, yet everything seems different, and he almost wouldn't have been able to ever see any of this again. Magnus watches him, unable to take his eyes off of him for more than a couple of seconds. Alec decides to invite the others over and they buy plenty, also to fill their fridge again, and once they're back Alec starts on that pasta immediately while Magnus excuses himself for a minute to call Ragnor, who, as predicted doesn't answer, so Magnus leaves a message in hope his friend will call back soon.

Not five minutes into cleaning the mushrooms, the door goes and Alec expecting his siblings is more than surprised when Magnus followed by Lydia join him in the kitchen.

“Lydia!” He drops the mushroom and knife and rushes to her, giving her the biggest hug and even lifting her a little off her feet. “Wow, I should come here more often when I get that kind of welcome.” She smiles happily at him and he's looking her over. “Are you all healed? Izzy said you got hurt, I am so sorry I left you there, I didn't mean-” She quickly places a finger onto his lips for a second, shaking her head. “Don't worry about that and I'm fine and much tougher than that, and just so relieved you're back and remember everything. That was pretty scary.”

“You could say that, but again you saved me in that place.” He really owes her  _again._  Just like all the others... he has no idea how to ever make it up to anyone.

“Don't be silly, I wish I could have done something.” She'll never forget that frightened feeling having to watch him walk away into unknown peril.

“No, seriously, if you hadn't been there I don't know what I would have-” He remembers Magnus is there, watching and listening. He quickly swallows down and smiles softly. “But anyway, all's good now.” Yeah, everything is just peachy!

“It will be.” She offers earnestly and he nods. “So, you have to stay for lunch, the others should be here soon, too. Help me cut those.” He steers her to the kitchen counter and then turns his head to Magnus. “And you're on salad duty.” He gives a half-crooked little grin and Magnus feels relief wash over him, having debated with himself whether it'd be best to leave those two alone, though he really didn't want to. He also made a mental note to properly thank Lydia for the much needed support she's shown Alec in that terrible place, he won't forget it.

“Your wish is my command, Alexander, I make a mean dressing after all.” He pushes the sleeves of his top up and walks over to Alec's other side. “That's true.” Alec concedes and they quickly fall into comfortable banter, being made only better once the other five arrive and the kitchen is filled with life and voices and laughter, everyone determined to take these opportunities, granting them all, especially Alec, a break from misery.

 

“Oh, Alec, here, I got your phone back, I mean, you could get a new one but I figured you'd want your contacts.” Clary's handing it over after they finished eating and Alec takes it quite surprised. “How'd you get it?”

She shrugs. “I just went to your mother's office and asked for them.”

“Badass, ain't she?” Jace grins teasingly but from the expression on his face it's clear how much he admires and adores her.

“Yeah, wow, cool, thank you.” He smiles gratefully and pushes it into his jeans pocket.

“You're welcome.” She grins. “Now, let's clear the table, who's on dish washing duty?”

Alec's quick to offer but he's got no chance. “You already did most of the cooking, Simon, Isabelle, Jace, let's go.” Alec's quite astounded at how everyone moves to clear the table dutifully and follows Clary to the kitchen.

“She's quite something.” Magnus' voice sounds amused next to him. “You could say that, they're all quite something.” Alec turns his head to watch Max and Lydia deep in conversation about werewolves and whether she thinks he could ever find a way to turn into one for just a day while both cats are demanding his attention, and everything could be so perfect. But it's so damn far from it. And he doesn't even want perfect, he just wants freedom. And when he feels Magnus' hand gently massaging his neck he leans against his head, trying not to give into weakness.

 

“Can we talk for a minute?” Alec's been looking for an opportunity all afternoon, and when Max coaxes Magnus into showing off some magic that may or may not involve the Chairman flying across the room, not even seeming to mind that much, and everyone else watching, he sidles over to the red-head and gestures her to the bedroom. He closes the door quietly and offers her the bed to sit, entwining his hands once he did as well.

“It's probably not fair to ask you this, but you're the one I count on to not tell me any bullshit or sugar-coat things, because you've never really done that and I hope you won't start now, and the others are just so keen on protecting me it's obsessive, and I don't need protecting, I just need the truth.” He averts his eyes downwards, taking a breath to stop being so fidgety and agitated.

“Alec, it's okay, I won't do that, I promise, just ask.” She puts a hand on his arm trying to comfort him and encourages him once he looks at her again.

“Just tell me what happened once I was gone, and how everyone took it?”

She didn't count on that, but she understands, she would want to know, as well, but that doesn't make it much easier. He deserves the truth, though, and he's back and they'll all be ok. She can handle it, hoping he can, too.

“Well, basically, everyone just kept looking for you, for any clue, any trace, any word of where you were or who with. We went everywhere, asked everyone, threatened people, Magnus made every contact of his keep their eyes and ears open, we went back into the alternate dimension, Magnus went hundreds of places we mostly didn't come along, so I'm not sure what exactly he did but nothing less than anything he could think of, anything in his power, Luke and the pack, my mom and Lydia and the vampires and seelies helped, too.”

That wasn't so hard, but the second part of his question is the heavy one.

“We were all beside ourselves with worry and fear and Jace was fighting so hard to not give into trusting your bond that was telling him you were dead, because he couldn't feel you anymore, but he never did believe it, I mean, there was no proof, so neither of us believed it, but the more time passed, the harder it got and we ran out of leads and ideas... and then everyone just tried to find their own way to cope.”

She's studying his face for a moment to see if that's good enough for him but his eyes are clearly telling her to go on, so she sighs softly and continues.

“Izzy told me she saw your parents cry several times, but your mother usually pretended to be okay, you know her... and your dad tried to comfort her and Max but he hardly managed to find comfort himself. By the way, he was really mad at your mother for not telling him immediately that you came to the institute, he was dealing with some business at the time but he would have dropped everything... you should go see him some time, I know he's got many faults, but he really loves you... anyway, Izzy tried to be strong for all of us, especially Jace, Max and Magnus, and I think Simon was probably the one who saw how bad she really was most of the time. I mean, everyone just missed you so much. Jace either threw himself into training or was gone for hours at a time, just walking around, trying to cope with the void in him. He barely slept and had a lot of bad dreams, sometimes... he woke up crying and he often called out for you in his sleep.“ She swallows and composes herself again.

“We all tried to be there for him, but you know how deep your bond goes.” Alec nods vaguely, trying to imagine and that alone is filling him with a dreadful sickness. He feels such irrational guilt for having done that to his brother, to all of them, even though he knows... he knows it wasn't  _his_  doing, he didn't have a choice in the matter, but still he feels at fault.

“Max either withdrew from everyone or got himself into trouble and banned from school but Izzy managed to get through to him eventually and he did cope better after that, for you, he never believed you wouldn't come back.” She smiles kindly and Alec tries to but fails.

They're both quiet now, the unspoken name standing between them like a thick misty bridge none of them know whether to try to cross.

Alec takes a deep breath eventually. “And Magnus?” His voice is but a whisper, his throat raw with emotions, and all his hairs are standing up.

Clary bites her lip for a moment, a clear sign she's nervous. “Well, he probably took it even a bit worse than everyone else.” A bit? Didn't she promise not to sugar-coat anything?

“The first few months he was just set on pursuing anything and anyone and that kept him going... but when it became more obvious that we just couldn't find anything... he kind of lost it a little, he just became pretty... despaired and angry, and he didn't know what to do with all that pain, and sometimes it got unleashed a bit too much.”

“How do you mean?” Alec's pressing his fingertips into the palms of his hands so hard he's ripping skin, hardly able to breathe.

“Well, he just... needed an outlet... because he was hurting so bad... and he came with us to hunt demons a few times, and he basically destroyed them on his own, and sometimes a few inanimate objects, as well... like houses... but empty ones, no one really got hurt or anything.”

It's just this damn feeling he gets when he knows there's more to what he's being told, and the way she said  _no one really got hurt._  “Did someone almost get hurt then?”

She's cursing herself but she should have known she couldn't keep it from him. “Well, it wasn't really his fault, he wasn't aware of it... and he absolutely didn't mean to. But once he was so upset and in such a rage and Izzy tried to calm him down and she got hurt, but he healed her immediately and he's still blaming himself for it and many other things, but you have to understand... We all had someone to talk to and comfort us, but Magnus closed himself off from us when his pain got too much to bear, he didn't want to burden us and he didn't know how to cope, he even sent the cats away and locked himself up in the loft, not letting anyone in anymore. It was really bad, he was just suffering so much and none of us, not even Ragnor or Catarina, could get through to him. We all tried, but it was impossible.”

So that's why the cats were at the institute when he got there. Alec is surprised that that's his first thought about what she just told him, but actually, it's just the first he can handle. Everything else... it's just... unbearable.

“I'm so sorry, Alec.” She moves over and wraps him into a hug and he lets her but he feels out of breath and cold, almost as if he's left his body.

A few minutes later someone's at the door and Alec's faced with yet another worry when Jace informs him that he's heard from Luke and the Silent Brothers are expecting them early the next morning. Alec can't even look at his Parabatai, memories and new imaginings plagueing his mind about Jace's grief, and he wishes he could just puke all that blackened wrongness out of him, and when he suddenly becomes aware of Magnus behind Jace, he can't keep it together any longer, he flees to the bathroom and retches heart-wrenchingly, feeling as if his intestines are being yanked upwards and brutally pulled out of his throat.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one for about a week and a half.


	23. Talk To Me

Jace and Magnus stare after Alec, one moment at Clary, who's looking as shocked as them, and then they dash after him to the bathroom, but when Alec notices he stretches out an arm quickly, waving them off vehemently, incapable of handling them being close, and seeing him like this. Thankfully Clary moved, gets what's happening and pulls both men out who seem completely shell-shocked.

“I'm so sorry, guys, just let me try, just wait, okay? Just leave for now.” She manages to gently push them out of the bedroom, knowing she'll have to explain and dreading it, but for now, she needs to try and mend Alec's cruel distress.

“Alec, it's me, Clary, the others are gone, it's okay.” She kneels down next to him and rubs his back gently, feeling goddamn awful for her friend and blaming herself. Tears are streaming down his face, his stomach emptied, but he can't shake the urge to gag. He's sure he's never felt this ghastly and he just wants it to end.  _Please._

His ordeal takes another few minutes he somehow gets through by focusing on Clary's touch and her soft voice talking to him, though he doesn't understand the words, but it doesn't matter. He can finally sit back on his legs, head low, concentrating on his breathing. The horrible sick feeling subsiding. He feels completely sore from head to toe, but at least that's over. He slowly relaxes a little, wipes his face and moves, Clary quick to steady him but lets go once he's stood at the sink, splashing his face with cold water and rinsing his mouth.

He needs another long minute, eyes pressed shut, to compose himself enough to move away, glancing once at his friend, but he can't face anyone, he really just wants to be on his own but he can't do that, he can't let everyone down, but  _how_  is he supposed to function like this? He feels mad, torn, twisted, almost wishing someone would just knock him out.

“Alec, you need to rest, okay? Just lie down for a while, I'll make sure no one will disturb you, I promise.” Clary isn't able to feel Alec's emotions like Jace, or read him like Magnus who knows him inside out, but she has been watching her friend, and she's gotten to know him really well, and she's sure that right now he needs time to come to terms with what she told him and what it makes him feel, and Alec's always done that on his own terms, searching out help when he needed it. And right now he looks positively perturbed and ill and he hates people seeing him like that, and this is so much worse, so much more extreme than anything he's ever been through.

  
She carefully takes his hand and leads him to the bedroom, makes him sit and lie down, takes off his shoes and pulls the bed cover over him. He's just staring up at the ceiling, unseeing, and she has no idea what to do, if she should really leave him like this, if she even can. So she sits down on the edge of the bed and takes his hand again that's cold and damp and she holds it in between her small hands and strokes it gently to make it warmer, offering comfort.

After what seems to her like a long time, a few minutes at most, he blinks and moves his head slightly, his eyes meeting hers, making her shudder nervously.

“Thank you. I should rest.” His voice is weak and raspy, but him talking is definitely a good sign, and she stands as he turns on his side and curls up, pulling the cover under his chin.

“Yes, you do that, we're here if you need us.” She whispers and leaves quietly, taking a deep breath before she turns to be met with lots of curious, and two pairs of desperate, frantic eyes.

She smiles quickly for Max's benefit. “Alec's really tired so we have to let him sleep for now. He still needs lots of rest.” Max nods, cuddling the Chairman closer to his chest. He, Izzy, Simon and Lydia know something happened, if only by the distraught way Magnus and Jace came back from the bedroom earlier, not answering even one casual question.

They're quick to distract Max again and Clary's grateful for a moment, before Magnus' body language and piercing eyes are making it very clear that she's to follow him to the kitchen, no doubt for the expected but feared interrogation. Jace follows, feeling numb.

Magnus has the hardest time keeping himself together, not understanding the way she was comforting Alec, the way he ran from the room, what made him feel  _so_ terrible, having had proof in Jace's ashen face right next to him, why Alec didn't let them close, but  _her,_  and why she was with Alec in the first place, knowing they must have been talking about something, and by the looks of it, something  _bad._ Now, he could be imagining parts of it, but he doesn't think he is and if so she will have chance to prove him wrong, right now.

“Talk.” It's really all he needs to say.

Clary swallows, for a second having a flashback to Magnus' demonic formation at the safe house, but this is completely different, and Jace is right here.

“Look, I know you'll be mad, but this is about Alec. He asked me to tell him what happened after he disappeared, and I told him, because he has a right to know and it would trouble him even worse if he had to guess.” She's holding her breath, not sure if Magnus' quietness is a good or a bad thing.

“What exactly did you tell him, Clary?” She almost winces at the way Magnus said her name, he hardly ever calls her that anyway, but there's barely been emotion in his voice, and it sounded quite sharp.

“The truth... he wanted to know how we all coped, so I-”

“What did you tell him?!” If not for Jace's quick reaction pushing an arm out in front of Magnus, he'd be right in her face and she takes a couple steps backwards.

“Magnus, calm down.” Jace is rather unhappy himself, still feeling the aftermath of that dreadful sickness, now sure of the reason being whatever Clary told him, but Magnus is simply rampant when it's about Alec, and he saw and experienced that himself often enough by now. He gets it, but he can't let it happen.

Magnus glares at the Shadowhunter, but his anger is dampened by guilt and he forces himself to relax. “I'm sorry, but please, I just need to know.” He's pleading her now and she braces herself.

“I told him about everyone, his parents, Max, Izzy, Jace, and you, how you were in so much pain you closed yourself off from us, and couldn't always handle yourself.” Her voice is soft.

New anger and fear flare up in Magnus, but he stands very still, just watching her. Taking in her regretful expression, the way she can't quite look into his eyes, her whole demeanor. And he  _knows_.

“You told him I hurt Izzy.”

Clary did count on rage, words spoken in anger, maybe a threat or two, but she didn't count on him being in pieces.

“Yes, but I also told him-” He's raised both hands, a desperate plea showing on his face and she can't but swallow down her words.

Magnus turns, walks a step past Jace and cocks his head slightly back to address him. “Just leave, please, get them all out.”

“Magnus!” Clary hurries towards him, but he's gone.

* * *

" _Alec... Alec... come on! Alec, wake up!”_

_He startles and almost jumps out of bed. And then he's faced with... himself. What the hell is going on?_

“ _Who are-”_

“ _Seriously, Alec? You don't recognize yourself anymore? You're not that ugly, you know? I rather like this body, and the face isn't that horrible, either!” He's smirking at himself. He lost it._

“ _So, this is a dream.” It must be, because he can't exist twice in the real world. Given, his world is a crazy one and has gotten even more so in the last... however many months, but he's sure he can't... oh._

“ _You're a shapeshifter?”_

_The other him is grinning, his own eyes brimming with wicked mirth that sends cold showers along his skin. IT definitely looks like him, but the aura it vibrates is definitely sinister._

“ _Nope, guessing game's over, I'm just you, a more confident, more intelligent, better looking version of you, but ultimately, just plain you.” He watches himself take a bow._

_It's SO surreal!_

“ _Right, so... can I wake up now?” He's had enough of this ridiculous crap!_

“ _Oh, you could, but do you really want to? C'mon, let's explore!” He watches himself clap his hands excitedly and head out of the room, a spring in his steps._

_Alec's just a little stunned, frowns and sighs, eventually leaving the bed and the room he only now notices he doesn't actually recognize and cautiously checks the outside. He's in a... cottage, isn't that the word? He quickly heads outside._

_It's not what he expects. There's an endless blue sky, studded with a few white clouds, it's warm and sunny, and all around are green trees and vast green meadows. It's beautiful and he takes a deep breath, wallowing in the clean, natural scent that seems somehow familiar. And he can smell salt and water..._

“ _See? You would have missed all this wondrous nature if you'd woken up already!” The other him, no, that.. thing, is suddenly right next to him and he flinches to the side, glaring at it._

“ _Don't do that! Where am I anyway?”_

“ _We're in your head, Alec, you tell me.” He pushes himself off of the wall of the cottage and strides along a narrow path purposefully._

_Alec rolls his eyes and eventually follows uncertainly. He can just check this place out for a little while. It's rather breathtaking here, and if not for that thing pretending to be him, it would be an amazing holiday stay._

“ _Where are we going?” He caught up with the other him that seems to have a constant grin plastered on his face._

“ _I don't know, wherever you're steering us to, and don't pretend you don't know, your subconscious does! Well, fine, OURS, but let's just see where it will take us, it's an adventure! Exciting, isn't it?” The other him's grin is so big it reminds him of a cat in a movie Simon showed him. Alice in wonderland, was it?_

_Alec is anything but excited and rather suspicious, showing a deep frown, but something is driving him on to go with it. For now._

“ _Wait, that's... the cliffs! Ireland? Why... right, my subconscious.” Apparently he loves this place enough to go back to in his dreams. Well, he earnestly does, and it's even more beautiful like this, must be spring or even summer._

“ _See, told ya!” The other him smirks triumphantly and heads further towards the edge of the cliff. Alec follows once again._

_There are hundreds of seabirds this time, their calls almost deafening, blue waves are crashing, tinged in white foam, there are a few sailboats far off at the sea. It's quite idyllic._

“ _Peaceful, isn't it? And rather boring. We're men of actions, this is rather tedious.”_

_Alec raises an eyebrow at himself. “I like it, I've had more than enough action lately, let me enjoy this, you can leave any time.” He crosses his arms before his chest, almost pouting._

“ _Oh, you really haven't grasped the concept quite yet, have you? Really not the brightest bulb in the bunch! Honestly, I can't leave, I'm you, wherever you are, I am, too, which can be a real drag, trust me. You're rather hard to deal with at times, and always so full of doubts and responsibilities, yawn, but at least you've loosened up since you hooked up with that warlock, I mean, he's a rather nice piece of ass, I get it, I got your taste after all, but do you really have to keep acting all soppy and love-struck? It makes me wanna puke, just enjoy the sex and stop with all that eternal love crap, your love isn't eternal, it can't be, because you'll die pretty soon, and the worst part about that is that I will, too, so let me at least have some fun before then!”_

_Alec is beyond speechless, staring at himself, feeling anger flare up in him, an excruciating ache in his core that he never addresses, never gives chance to cross his mind. How dare that... how dare he?!_

_The other him rolls his eyes. “Come on now, you can't run from it, just make the best of it, and seriously, there are other hot guys about, you needn't stick with just one pretty face forever... Oops, see what I did there?” He grins and Alec is ready to punch him but he's suddenly gone and he looks around stunned. What the fuck... what the fuck?! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! He's never heard this much bullshit in his entire life!_

_Thank fuck that bastard is gone or he would have-_

_He freezes, his ears pricking up. There was a sound, wasn't there? Other than the birds... it sounded like... shouting! He starts running along the cliff, a distance so long he knows he couldn't possibly hear anything from wherever the sounds came from, but he keeps running anyway._

_He's sweating slightly, coming to a halt, staring at the sight before him. The birds. The sea, the boats. This is... exactly where he started running earlier?! How..._

“ _Alec, please, don't pretend to be such an idiot, we both know you're not! It's your dream, anything can happen!” The other him is back and rather whiny. Alec glares at himself, not going to speak one word with that... whatever that is._

“ _Sulking, are we?” That grin is seriously disturbing and Alec wants to just wipe it off of his smug face!_

“ _Maybe later, Alec, now, come with me, I have a gift for you, well, for us.” He winks at him and gestures for him to come._

“ _I'm not going anywhere with you, just fuck off!” He turns away and crosses his arms, wondering why he's even still here._

“ _Such a sour grape, fine, fine, I'll bring the gift to you then!”_

_Alec turns back to tell him to shove it up his- but he's vanished again. Damnit!_

_His body jerks suddenly with the shattering noise of thunder above him. All the birds are taking up flight. There are dozens of dark clouds in every direction, moving quickly closer to each other, building one dark blanket holding off any light from flittering through. Lightning strikes and thunder rumbles._

_Alec's backing away from the cliff, watching in astonishment. He loves storms, always has, even when they sometimes frightened him as a child, sometimes even when he was older, when they were especially glorious but brutal._

“ _See, we really have some things in common, you and I. And once you stop fighting me, this part of yourself, we can truly begin.”_

_Alec's shivering with his own voice so close to his ear. What does he even mean?_

_His blood freezes as his eyes lock on two figures standing at the edge of the cliff, appeared out of nowhere. His legs move without his control._

“ _Alec! What's the meaning of this? Let us go at once!” His mother._

“ _Alec, please, what's happening to you? Why are you doing this?” His father._

_Alec's out of his depth. What do they mean? He didn't do anything... he... this is just a dream! Remember that!_

“ _Here's your real gift, Alec. The two people who should love you more than anyone and stand by you, have your back and make you feel worthy and treasured, yet failed to do so over and over and over again. Your father, granted, isn't as bad as her, but he's such a coward, always caving in and he doesn't have the balls to stand up to her, not even for YOU! And she's like a rattlesnake, isn't she? Making such a ruckus before her bite, spreading her poison. They deserve to be punished, Alec, they deserve to be punished by you.”_

_Alec's shocked into an unmoving state, watching himself as he walks around his parents who are restrained on wrists and ankles, leering at them, smirking at himself. What the..._

“ _Alec! Stop this nonsense at once and free us!” His mother is outraged, his father rather scared. But then he can see the fright even in her eyes, all directed at HIM. They don't even seem to notice the other him that is standing behind them now._

“ _I'm not doing anything! I...” He's so confused and scared himself, and why isn't he making himself wake up? He CAN! He KNOWS, but something is holding him back... something... he himself...?_

“ _That's right, Alec, told you you'd enjoy this and you can't just leave before the show ends, that'd be very rude! Now, who do you pick first?”_

_Alec blinks, perplexed, unable to form proper thoughts, words have disappeared altogether._

“ _C'mon, we don't have all night!”_

_A thunderbolt so loud he feels as if it splits his brain strikes and he throws his hands over his ears, glancing upwards, the blackest cloud hovering directly above them and then the floodgates open and rain falls, getting quickly so heavy it's becoming torrential and he can't hear a thing anymore, except his own voice._

“ _Choose, Alexander, now!” It's murderous and he closes his eyes, doesn't want to, not hear, not see, just wake up!_

“ _Oh no, not yet! Come here!” He feels someone grab him and pull him along and then he's forced to look and comes face to face with his father, rain flooding their faces, and he's begging him to stop. But he isn't doing this! He's not!_

“ _Do it.” Alec feels pushed, something taking control of his arm, his hand reaching upwards, placed on his father's chest and then Alec watches horrified as he pushes him backwards and he tumbles off the cliff._

_Alec's screaming internally, staring at his hand that's shaking. He did NOT do this!?_

“ _Now, your mother, do it now!” He's whirled towards her, feeling panic rise, threatening to throttle him and he's fighting so hard but can only watch as his arm shoots out once more and pushes her off the edge, seeing her fall._

“ _Well done, you're gonna learn.”_

* * *

Magnus returned once he was sure they were all gone, even the cats because Max got pretty upset and they took them for comfort and distraction. He's restless, walking up and down the room, trying to figure out what he could do, what he could say, how he could explain to Alexander what had happened... not just the incident with Izzy, but all the other shit he's done haunting his mind once again.

Alexander is such an honorable and just man, and Magnus feels like the pettiest scum and he's just so frightened of whether Alec could forgive him, and he knows he will most likely, but it could have damaged something in him, something  _else_ , between them, and Magnus doesn't know how to cope with that and how to ever forgive himself if any of his actions would ever drive Alexander away from him... he's thinking himself into vicious despair and above that he's still so very shaken by Alec's reaction, unable to disassociate it from himself.

The outcry that shatters his insides is almost a nice distraction, immediately shaking him out of his despondent stupor. Almost! He dashes into the bedroom, losing every thought of caution and insecurity, taking in Alec's traumatized state after what must have been another nightmare, and Magnus wasn't here to help him out of it sooner!

“Alec?” He curses himself for his patheticness, moves onto the bed and places his hand gently on Alec's. “Alexander?” His voice is a little stronger again, full of care.

Alec's so sick of waking up like this. He's  _so_  angry, and so appalled. What good did getting rid of this thing do when he keeps having these horrible nightmares anyway? He knows they're not the same, he knows he could shake himself out of them, but they're still torturous, and he's so freaking fed up! And he's not even going to try to analyze it or allow himself to mull it over. He just won't!

When Magnus' eyes connect with Alec's he feels a coldness creeping down his spine and into his gut, making him retract his hand slowly.

Alec drops his gaze again, taking a deep breath, hiding his face in his hands for a moment, trying to get his act together, but what's bothering him more than that dream is the memory of what happened before he fell asleep, and as ever, it seems to be too much to handle. He doesn't feel as if he could handle anything anymore. But  _he_ wanted to know! It's on him, all on himself! And it's  _his_  fault any of this happened in the first place! He sighs achingly and drops his hands, looking more beaten than ever before.

What makes him find a sliver of strength is the man next to him, looking so disheartened, letting him intuitively know that Magnus knows. He's seen him and Clary, and that damn reaction, and he's sure he and Jace wanted answers, and Clary is too honest to lie or evade them for long.

“Come here.” He says softly, lies down and gestures him to move closer. Magnus is taken aback for a moment, having expected Alec to tell him to go away. He moves cautiously, still unsure and only relaxes a fraction and exhales when Alec closes his arms around Magnus, pressing him into his side, his head on his chest under his chin.

“I'm not mad at you, or disappointed, or upset or whatever you're thinking, I just wish I would have known sooner.” That Magnus would have felt like he could have told him, though he can't assign any blame to anyone else but himself, he's always so distracted by his own demons he hardly makes time for anyone else's. And he knows Magnus, knows how much he will have tortured himself over hurting Izzy, hurting because of Alec... he just doesn't know how to deal with having caused such unspeakable trauma for everyone, especially Jace and Magnus who are that much more dependent on him.

Magnus doesn't have a clue how to react to  _that._  All those self-deprecating thoughts are pouring away from him instantly and he moves his head up to look at his boyfriend, cringing internally at how ghastly this nightmare, this never-ending hardship, is shaping his appearance. Not that he'll ever be anything less than perfect to him, but they have to find a way to nurse his body, and more importantly, mend his mind.

“I have no excuses for what I did, Alexander, and it's solely on me, I can't blame it on anything other than-” He's stopped by Alec's whole hand over his mouth.

“Magnus, please, I'm not that naïve, and extreme situations make us behave in extreme ways, remember when I fought Jace and had a blade at his throat? Do you think that makes me any better?”

“You can't compare it, though. Jace was directly connected to your troubles, and though you were in the wrong, he provoked you. Isabelle did no such thing, she was just... trying to help.” He swallows, averting his eyes, but Alec places a finger under his chin and makes him look up again.

“You didn't mean to and you healed her and she forgave you, right?” Magnus nods slightly, not knowing how to handle being forgiven so easily by Alexander. But his eyes don't lie, they never have.

“So, I don't have any reason to hold a grudge, just... you can trust me with these things, even now, even... I know I'm not even close to my old self, and I'll probably need a shitload of time until then, but you can still talk to me. Please don't keep important things from me because you think I can't cope... even if I can't right away, I will. What I really can't cope with is all of you keeping things from me, I know you're protecting me, but I can't keep questioning everyone's words and intentions because it's really wearing me down.” He closes his aching eyes for a moment and sighs internally.

“I understand, and I'm truly sorry.” Magnus cups Alec's cheek and caresses his skin softly, meeting his eyes again once they open. Alec manages just a tiny smile, but Magnus knows the profound meaning.

“Do you want me to... help with that?” Magnus tenderly traces Alec's forehead and temple with a finger, wanting to alleviate his mind in any minute way he could.

Alec feels tempted for a moment, but he doesn't want to give in, letting Magnus use his magic to make it better, feels like cheating to him, as if he were surrendering to the darkness, letting it win, and he can't do that. He knows whenever he's in the midst of one of these... episodes, he wishes nothing more than for anyone to take it away from him, but he wants to fight this on his own, for now, for as long as he can.

He catches Magnus' hand and kisses the tips of his fingers. “No, I'm okay for now, but thank you.” Magnus has a hard time holding back tears and smiles fondly, full of admiration for his unique Shadowhunter, and leans down to kiss him lovingly for a long moment before he moves his head back to its place on Alec's chest.

They lie together for a long, quiet time.

  

Alec's been playing with Magnus' hair, willing everything but the warmth of their bodies, the warlock's weight on him, the sounds of their breathing and the softness and smell of Magnus' hair away. He almost managed, but images of that nightmare keep getting through and he knows he won't be able to stay idle for much longer.

Distraction comes sooner than he expected when Magnus starts to speak. He's been thinking about Alec's words a lot, and he knows he can't be a frikkin' coward and let his fears that seem to be unfounded with Alec anyway, take victory over him.

“There's more you should know. More I've done. Things I'm not proud of.” He gathers more courage before he continues. Alec's first impulse is to tell him that it's okay, that he doesn't have to tell him, not now anyway, but he's too curious now, too needy of hearing anything to take his mind off of his troubles. And he wants Magnus to trust him with  _anything_. He doesn't believe that he could really hurt someone, someone innocent, or even worse... he would never do that, not even at his worst...?

Alec's silence is prompt enough. “You know when I told you that I burnt the library in the safe house?” He feels Alec nod. “I did do that, after I scared the living daylight out of Clary when she surprised me in a rather upset state and I showed her a part of my demonic self, she forgave me right away but I did not deserve to be forgiven, and later, when I saw you walk through that portal with that bastard, I rather lost myself, hurting Jace, and almost giving into the demon inside me, becoming him. I... I can't tell you how much I regret it, and if not for Max, that tough, wonderful child who is such a hero, I don't know what would have happened to me, or the others. I don't ever want to let this happen again, and I have no apologies.” He feels his mountain of guilt shrink a little having freed himself of some of his burden, trusting Alec with some of the darkness inside of him, trusting he will see past that like he's always done. But there's a remnant of fear in him.

Which is snuffed out when he feels Alec's lips against his head and his big hand caressing his cheek. He takes a deep, long breath, feeling rather weightless.

“What did Max do?” Alec's full of pain for his love, wishing he could have been there, saved him from that horror. He will be grateful to his siblings and friends for as long as he lives for countless of reasons, but especially for not giving up on Magnus and doing whatever they could.

“He faced a monstrous storm without a trace of fright to get close to me and anchored me so I could save myself. He's incredible, just like you.” He smiles affectionately and moves his head up, needing to see those enchanting eyes.

Alec's quite astounded, but not really surprised, Max has always been very brave, much braver than he himself at his age, or that's what he's always told himself.

Their eyes lock, no more words needed as their lips touch in the dearest way.

* * *

While Alec's taking a shower Magnus quickly whips up some pancakes with maple syrup and blueberries and some grilled cheese on toast because it's some of Alec's favorites, and fattening, and serves it together with hot dark chocolate with walnut cream.

When Alec arrives in the living-room, toweling his wet hair, his mouth drops open as he sees the food and drinks on the table and the fireplace alight. It looks amazing, as if on display, and even though he seems to hardly ever have an appetite these days, he will eat as much as he can, just to reward Magnus' efforts and because he knows he really shouldn't lose any more weight.

“Wow, Magnus, that's too much.” He puts the towel around his neck and joins his boyfriend on the couch, dropping a kiss onto his lips.

“Nothing's too much for you, my love, and I just felt like pampering you a little bit, dig in before it gets cold.” Magnus' gentle smile is endearing and Alec's heart does a flip flop.

“Oh really? I seem to remember my boyfriend's a warlock, with magic and stuff, and heating up food and drinks should be child's play for him, but I've had some memory issues lately, so who knows I may have gotten it all wrong.”

Magnus is gaping at Alec's casually spoken words, his amused little smirk and raised eyebrow. He didn't think they would  _ever_ joke about this, but if Alec feels like he can, Magnus won't be the one to spoil it!

“Ah, I seem to vaguely remember... nope, nothing there, I'm afraid we'll just have to eat it all now.” He shows him a little grin before he pushes the plates a little closer into Alec's proximity.

The Shadowhunter gives him a one-eyed squint before he grabs the mug and takes a long swig of the most delicious drink he's ever tasted. Just the right, subtle sweetness for him, and that walnut cream is pure delight. Magnus is transfixed on Alec's face, taking in every tiny movement, the way his eyes close, his tongue peeking out to lick the cream off of his lips, incapable of suppressing the blissful tiny pin-pricks on his body, the heat building in his stomach, the way his heartbeat speeds up or how his pants seem to become just a little tighter.

“You okay?” Alec's noticed Magnus' dazed expression, making him feel warm and tickled.

The warlock nods quickly, “Oh yes,” grabs his own cup (with milk chocolate, because he's simply a sweet tooth) and half downs it without tasting that much of it, his eyes flickering back to Alexander.

They eat in comfortable silence, Magnus magicking some quiet music on, the fire cracking and it's near perfect.

The doorbell rings and Magnus, though not wanting to leave this wonderful moment, quickly goes to open it.

He snaps his magic to life immediately, taking on a threatening stance, his cat eyes sending a perilous warning to the intruder.

“Who is it?” Alec's approaching the door, the hairs on his neck having stood up and he wants to see for himself.

“Alexander, stay back!” Magnus cautions vigorously, but Alec's already in sight, his eyes glued to the visitor.

“Rayna?!”

 


	24. Disappointment

“Alec, good to see you're well.” She grins slightly and turns her attention back to the warlock who has become even more furious at her addressing the Nephilim which amuses her more.

“There's no need for hostility, Magnus, I'm here to ask you for a favor, nothing more.”

Her body language is completely demure, not posing any threat but Magnus doesn't trust her for one second.

“And why do you think you can come here to our home and demand anything of us?”

Magnus is royally pissed at her having no trouble finding the loft – meaning her magic is still stronger than his, even without the sphere, and at her blatant assumption she could ask anything of him.

“I think I earned it, after all it was me who got him out of that place alive.”

“He wouldn't even have been there if not for you! Don't take me for a fool, Rayna, I promise you'll regret it!”

Alec can feel Magnus' rage and magic flaring up more and he's sure she can, too. But she doesn't seem threatened at all.

“I had a part in it, admittedly, but you should really be angry at Alistair, it was his plan after all. Anyway, all I need is for you to tell me where my sphere is, and I'll leave you to it, and I promise you'll never see me again.”

The sphere, of course! What else would she want? Without it she won't be able to use her blood magic for much longer. But why she thinks he'd tell her is beyond him.

“I'm not going to tell you, Rayna, you'll never find it and you better make sure I won't see you again, or I will destroy you.”

Alec has seldom heard Magnus' voice filled with such hatred, it's driving a cold shower along his spine, and he thinks he ought to feel the same way, really, but there's so much he's feeling all the time and he's so sick and tired of it, and he's not scared of her, knowing he's never more safe than with his boyfriend.

She still doesn't seem that fazed, obviously having anticipated that kind of reaction. “What if I know where Alistair and The Cup are and I'll tell you as soon as I got my sphere?” She seems very sure of herself now, knowing they desperately need to find him.

Alec's surprised about this, stepping slightly closer but Magnus moves to shield him, having considered her offer for a mere second, knowing that as soon as she's got the sphere, she could simply vanish and side with Alistair once again and together they'd be even more dangerous than before. No way.

“Leave, now. You will never get it back, and you shouldn't want to, it's controlling you too much already. Let it go as long as you still can, Rayna, and this advice is for free.”

Alec detects a trace of concern in Magnus' voice now and it makes him want to wrap him into his arms. Even though he's mad and has every reason to be, he knows how dangerous that magic is and finds it in himself to warn his enemy. Alec feels overwhelmed with love for a moment until he hears a voice in his mind suddenly, telling him to get a grip and not be so selfish, knowing he'll have to leave him sooner or later. He shuts it off vigorously but it leaves him shaking inwardly.

He's only now noticing the way Rayna's demeanor changed. Her toxic green eyes are alight, her red hair moving about her frame. She's staring Magnus down, clearly enraged now.

“Last chance, Magnus, if you don't tell me now you will regret it, all of you!”

“Even if I did know, I wouldn't ever tell you!” Alec can feel such extreme vibes from both warlocks now and he's scared they'll battle it out right here, and he doesn't even have his bow!

Magnus is more than prepared to fight with everything he's got, having no intention of letting her hurt Alec in the tiniest way again but just as he's sure she'll strike she's suddenly gone. Vanished. He quickly checks outside but he can't feel her magic anymore. She's truly gone, for now.

“Are you alright? We should leave here.” Alec nods vaguely before he stares after his boyfriend, rushing about.

“What do you mean? Where to? Do you think she'll be back?” Magnus is gathering stuff hurriedly and then turns to him. “She may. Stand back.”

Alec does as he's told and watches in awe as Magnus magicks the loft away once again. He knows it wouldn't be much trouble to find it again, though. Not for her. He needs to find stronger wards, or create them, but he doesn't have time for any of that.

“We should go to the Hotel, I'm sure Sheldon, Izzy and Max are still there. We need to regroup, I'll just have to warn Catarina.” He grabs his phone and makes to call her, noticing a missed call from Ragnor.

“Is there anything you need to get? Grab it now.” Alec watches him concerned and then moves to the bedroom, checking, not sure if there's anything he needs at all, except knowledge of what to do really. Seeing Magnus anxious is making him anxious. In the end he grabs his black jacket and dresses his boots.

Magnus quickly texts Catarina and then calls Ragnor.

“Magnus.”

“Ragnor! Are you alright? Catarina said-”

“I'm... not. I... Magnus, I have never experienced something like this, you have to find a way to destroy it, and don't go near it. It... did something to me, Magnus. It showed me... my deepest desire... Magnus... I could see them, then but... now, as they would be... I can't... just stay away from it, promise me, I can't do this now, I'm sorry, my friend.”

Ragnor hangs up before Magnus can get another word out and he's highly worried now, about Ragnor, his words, the sphere and its powers. But when he sees the man emerging from the bedroom, he's reminded of his first priority again.

“How is she?” Magnus' distraught look is worrying Alec a lot now. Maybe something else happened?

“I'm not sure, we should really go now.” He'll have to figure it all out later, but now they have to get to the others.

He opens a portal but Alec moves quickly and puts a hand on his arm. “Wait, where's my bow and quiver? I may need them.” He's got used to not having them with him which is very weird in itself, and he can even feel some kind of... apprehension at the thought... but it's just another strange notion he needs to shake off.

Magnus hesitates for a split second then quickly opens the hidden safe and hands him the weapons, his seraph blade, too. “Anything else?”

Alec takes them from him, wanting to take a proper look at everything but knows he's got no time, so he speedily straps them on himself and wants to get out his stele to conceal them before he remembers, he shakes his head and steps through the portal just before Magnus and a moment later they're in front of the Hotel Dumort, heading inside.

  

“Alec! Magnus!” Max comes running, two cats behind him, he spotted them first as they were playing in the foyer.

Alec smiles and hugs his little brother tightly before giving Magnus chance to do the same and cuddling the cats. “Where is everyone else?” Magnus inquires, glancing around.

“Didn't you come for the meeting then? They're all upstairs having some grown-up discussion we weren't allowed to attend, which seriously sucks, I'm not a child, you know!” Max pouts and it reminds Magnus so much of Alexander he can barely refrain from giggling. Alec shoots him a look, knowing exactly what he's thinking but just about suppresses a smirk himself.

“Sorry to hear that, Max. Will you wait for us here anyway? I promise I'll fill you in on the important stuff.” Max rolls his eyes – again in Alexander style – but nods and takes the cats from his big brother again.

“Just don't take too long!” He calls after them.

“We won't!” Alec promises as they head upstairs and Magnus waves his hand once and the wings of the door everyone's behind fly open. To their surprise, Jace, Clary, Luke and Jocelyn are there as well as half a dozen vampires and werewolves.

“Nice to see nothing ever changes with you, warlock, crashing secret meetings you weren't invited to, not like it's a wedding, though.” Magnus turns to Raphael, his expression brimming with confidence and aloofness, meeting the vampire's dry sarcasm.

“You should know better than to deliberately not invite me, _Raphy_.” Magnus is right in Raphael's face and they're staring each other down, neither budging an inch.

“Alright, enough with the theatrics, guys, we didn't want to disturb you, but good you're both here.” Jace got impatient and is seriously relieved to see them, especially Alec, looking much better than a few hours ago. He moves to hug him, dismissing the slight hesitation he can feel off his Parabatai.

Magnus shares a quiet conversation with the vampire before he smiles softly and turns towards Clary. “I'm very sorry, biscuit.”

Clary's been holding her breath and exhales with such relief, then moves quickly to hug him tightly. “Nothing to forgive, Magnus.”

“You're way too good to me, sweet cheeks.” He squeezes her and then everyone's back to business. “So, what have we missed?” He moves next to Alec's left side, Jace still occupying his right, taking one of his hands into his.

Luke responds quickly to avoid everyone talking at once. “We've just been saying that since you broke the spell and Alistair and Rayna escaped we haven't seen a single demon again, which seems rather disconcerting, we also haven't found a trace of either of them, yet.”

Magnus is pissed at this but not surprised. “Actually Rayna just showed up at our doorstep which is why we're here, she wants something to give her more power. It's hidden for now but I can't tell for how much longer, she also offered to tell us where Alistair is, but that was sure to be a trap, and now she's vanished again, but they're definitely plotting something, something big.”

Luke nods. “We have teams out on patrol at all times, which is sanctioned by the Silent Brothers, but we're not sure what else to do just now. It seems all we can do is wait for them to make a move.”

Magnus and Jace feel the twitch from Alec instantly. He must have been reminded of the questioning in the morning. They're both moving a little closer unconsciously, trying to spend comfort, but Alec actually feels encased, in himself and outwardly. He's trying to just breathe properly, hoping he can leave soon which makes him feel useless and guilty, but he can't deal with all of it, and he  _is_  the most useless one in the damn room!

“It's getting late, whoever's not on patrol tonight should get some rest before the morning and meet again after the appointment.” Luke concedes, earning agreement and Alec takes that as his cue to leave. Magnus turns abruptly feeling Alec's hand gone so suddenly and watches him hurry out of the room, he, Jace, Clary, Izzy and Simon following right away.

Alec finds Max again as promised who's lying on the couch, both cats asleep on his lap, and he looks rather sleepy as well. Alec smiles for him and sits down carefully, stroking his brother's hair. “Hey, you should get some sleep, basically we can't do much until the morning and we're safe here.” At least he hopes that's true.

Max nods and a moment later his eyes fall shut. Alec feels overcome with regret and sadness, wishing he could make his little brother's life and world better, sparing him from all this madness.

“You can leave him here for now, we'll take him to his room in a bit.” Izzy and Simon are close now and Alec gets up to face them.

“Thanks for looking out for him, I'm quite shocked our parents haven't demanded him to stay at the institute.” They would never approve of him staying at the hotel, but they may not have a choice right now.

“Actually, dad said to keep him safe and he must have really laid into our mother, they're not speaking.” Alec's rather surprised to hear that from Izzy.

He should maybe call him... images of pushing his father off of a cliff flash through his mind and he dismisses the thought again. For now he needs to get through a few more hours and then... he feels a sickness return he's dreading terribly. He does not want to spend the night kneeling over a toilet seat. He doesn't even know why he's so... terrified. He knows he won't be tortured, it's just like an interview, kind of. Just that someone will invade his mind _again_  and he won't be able to hide anything, being once more completely vulnerable and helpless.

He turns away from everyone and closes his eyes tightly, attempting to control his breathing, willing all of that away or he really doesn't know how to get through the night.

“Anything we can do?” Jace is suddenly right next to him and he startles, stepping away, unable to meet his brother's eyes.

“No, no, I'm good, just... just need some air.” He quickly gets rid of his bow and quiver, leaving them by the door and heads out fast, leaving everyone else behind in a state of sorrow.

“What is it?” Magnus inquires quietly from Jace who shakes his head slightly.

“There's too much to get anything specifically.” He sighs achingly and meets Magnus' eyes, continuing in a whisper. “I don't know how to cope with half of it, Magnus, I have no idea how he manages.”

There's so much raw grievance in Jace's eyes, Magnus can hardly keep eye-contact. He grabs Jace's neck gently and pulls him into a one-armed hug. “You'll both get through this, because you don't have a choice, alright?”

Jace exhales deeply and nods, shares another look with his friend and watches as he follows Alec outside.

  

Magnus finds him leaning on a tombstone, thinking he's probably not quite aware of it. “So, you feel like desecrating some graves tonight?” Magnus is trying a funny approach, sizing up the Shadowhunter's state of mind, which he knows is anything but good.

Alec feels a little relieved when he spots Magnus. He doesn't know what's wrong with him and Jace, well, there's nothing wrong with Jace, just him, but he doesn't get it, but what does he actually still understand anyway? Pretty much nothing at all, that much!

He frowns at Magnus' words and then gets it and quickly stands straight again, not even checking whose tombstone he just used as a means of support.

“Not really.” His breath comes out in a white, icy cloud; it's particularly cold tonight but he prefers it to other things, like being inside right now.

Magnus moves closer cautiously, trying to figure out whether it's closeness or space his love needs right now. He halts when Alec meets his eyes, holding his breath for a moment but they're already down again, and Alec's fidgeting and slumping his shoulders, not knowing what to say or do or where to go from here.

Magnus closes the distance between them, boldly wraps his arms around Alec's neck and searches out his eyes again which come to rest on him eventually after another long moment of flicking about.

Alec sighs wearily and finally stands still, closing his arms around Magnus' waist, pressing their foreheads together.

“What is it you need, my love?” Magnus whispers, his fingers running over Alec's neck and through the hair on the back of his head.

If only he knew. Even those blissful shudders elicited from Magnus' fingers don't seem to have the same effect as before. He shrugs lightly. “For everything to just stop.”

“Bad idea, things couldn't improve if they simply stopped, and they will, I promise you, they will.” Magnus moves to let their lips touch lovingly and they kiss for a couple of minutes.

“See? Already improved.” Magnus smiles affectionately and Alec can't but reciprocate it softly.

“Yeah.” He takes a deep breath, feeling the coldness a lot more suddenly. “Let's find a room to stay the night.” Hopefully it will pass quickly and the morning even more so.

To Alec's relief it seems that they've all gone to bed, Max and the cats being gone as well, except for some vampires but he's not concerned about them.

Magnus leads him to a bedroom at the far end of one of the corridors and they soon settle on the bed, only undressing jackets and shoes, lying on top of the covers because Alec knows he won't be able to sleep, and Magnus won't as long as he doesn't, and even then he'd rather be alert to wake him from perturbing dreams.

Alec settles on Magnus' side, pushing his face into the crook of his boyfriend's neck, entwining their fingers. Magnus is warm and safe and he needs him, just him, not even wanting to think what would happen if he didn't have him, if he couldn't stand being near him anymore. He can't lose him, he just can't.

“Nothing bad's going to happen tomorrow, right?” Magnus' heart skips a beat with the way Alec sounds so frightened and fragile, craving his reassurance. He pulls him tighter against his own body, stroking his back.

“I swear to you, I won't let anything bad happen, and I'll be there every second.” Alec sighs shivery, wishing Magnus would truly be allowed to be right there with him but knowing he'll be there once it's over has to be good enough.

“Alistair made me drink a truth potion so I couldn't lie or even evade his questions. It was awful.” Alec whispers, trying to press even closer. He never wants to leave Magnus' side again, but he needs to be less pathetic and ridiculous and be a soldier again and act accordingly, but just the thought is trying to choke him.

Magnus freezes for a moment, quickly continuing to stroke Alec's back, inwardly cooking up yet another layer of hatred for that monster. Once they catch him he won't hold back and no one will succeed in restraining him.

“It will soon be over, my love, and once we've dealt with it all, we'll go on an extended holiday far away, wherever you like, with Max and the cats and whoever wants to come and we'll swim in the sea and build sand castles, fly kites and drink the best cocktails and eat the most delicious food and make love every night under the stars, and I know this sounds like a bad advertisement.” He smiles softly, inwardly fighting with too much sorrow.

Alec smiles timidly through suppressed tears and breathes quietly. “No, it sounds perfect.”

* * *

“ _Not you again!” Alec groans being faced with his dream self smirking at him._

“ _I'm not asleep! I can't be!”_

“ _Well, you are, your lover lulled you to sleep, how precious.” His voice is dripping with sarcasm._

“ _You can't escape yourself anyway, Alexander, you've tried for years and where did it get you? In bed with a warlock, exactly, and once you'll embrace this, I promise the outcome will be even more satisfying.” His eyes are sparkling with a wickedness that forces a cold shower down Alec's spine. No way, whatever this is, no way!_

“ _I'm not going to listen to you any longer, and I'm not going to stay asl-”_

_He's not sure what but something changed abruptly, and he's alone and it's very dark. He starts to shiver, the sensations all too familiar._

“ _Now, I know you're stubborn and reluctant tonight, so let's make this quick. We never got to finish this one, do you want the honors?” He's back, with a knife in his hand, reaching out a hand to the darkness and Alec grimaces in horror as Max comes into view, pulled by an invisible cord towards the other him._

_Alec dashes towards him but just when he's about to grab him, they've moved so fast he couldn't see, and he's staring at himself and his little brother, a knife at his throat, pleading eyes staring at him terrified, terrified of HIM._

“ _STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!” He yells and runs forward again._

“ _You're in control here, Alec, you stop it.” His face is hard and uncaring as he starts slicing Max's throat._

 

“Max!” He's awake suddenly, sitting upright, panting, but awake! He finally managed! He quickly takes in his surroundings. The hotel, Magnus! Dream!  _Shitdamn!_

“You're okay, Alexander, and Max is safe.” He feels Magnus' arms around him now and slowly relaxes into him, breathing languidly.

“Yes, I know, just a dream... I woke myself up.” And not a second too late!

“What time is it? When do we have to go?” It's already quite bright outside he can see through the window.

“About an hour, I would have woken you soon, I'm sorry I waited.” Magnus had been watching over him but the nightmare came so suddenly and then Alec was already awake, thankfully! And he needs sleep so badly, but not this.

“It's okay, but I better get ready.” He pulls back and leaves for the bathroom, quickly refreshing himself, everything else will have to wait until after... at least it will be over soon now, at least he hopes so.

Everyone's in the foyer as they arrive a few minutes later. His eyes seek out Max and he's relieved, but then jitters start wrecking his body and he hardly knows how to control them. He just really hopes he won't puke again. He fleetingly meets Jace's gaze but he just can't... after... after things will hopefully calm down a little.

“Are you ready?” Luke inquires, looking sympathetic and Alec nods. He'll never be ready for any of it but he's got no choice.

“Alright, we're going to Alicante then, the Silent Brothers are waiting there. Magnus?” Luke turns to his friend who immediately opens a portal for them all and then takes Alec's hand and squeezes it, giving him a soft, hopefully reassuring smile, before they step through together.

Alec's always been in awe of the Glass City, but even its beauty pales in the wake of his anxiety. Izzy, Simon, Max, Clary and Jace are all led to different rooms for their questionings, Luke is waiting outside and Magnus is staying with Alec to the last second, waiting in front of a big glass door that one cannot see through, however.

“It will be alright. They just need to know what happened and maybe they'll find a clue that will help us.” Magnus wishes he could take away Alec's fears, but once again he'll have to face them on his own. He just hopes with all he's got that this will be the last such ordeal for him, he's already suffered so much more in his short lifetime than most immortals he knows.

Before Alec can find any words the door opens and he knows they'll have to part now, he has to do this alone. He lets go of Magnus' hand, feeling bereft and more frightened immediately and steps into the room, looking back at Magnus' concerned but reassuring face until the door closes behind him and he's gone.

He takes a couple of deep breaths, shaking his limbs to stop them from shivering and slowly steps into the room. At least it's not small or grey. It's big and wide and bright and he shouldn't feel so afraid.

_Hello, Alexander._

Alec startles and turns, not sure where the voice came from for a second but then he remembers, of course.

He spots, to his relief, Brother Enoch, who he knows from many dealings his family's had with him and rather trusts. He can feel some of his tension leave his body.

“Brother Enoch.” He nods his greeting.

_Please sit, or lie down, whatever you prefer. I'm going to make this as painless as possible._

Alec glances at the white couch and sits down, watching Brother Enoch stand before him.

_Try to relax and not to fight it._

Alec exhales thoroughly and a sudden thought comes to his mind. “Will you see like...  _everything?_ ” There's so much he wouldn't want most people or third parties to see, to know... not least about Magnus and himself.

_Only what is important to this matter, don't worry, I'm also very discreet._

If Alec didn't know better, he'd have imagined a trace of amusement in Brother Enoch's voice.

_Are you ready?_

_As much as I'll ever be..._  he nods and closes his eyes and a moment later all the memories about his abduction, being found, having lost his memories, the safe house, Rayna and Alistair, and all of his nightmares caused by the evil magic are racing through his mind, leaving him a trembling, sweating, breathless mess. Two eyes made of fire are flashing before his eyes and then it's over and he falls back, gasping, opening his eyes wide, trying to stop shaking.

_I'm very sorry for what you've been through, Alexander. Thank you for your cooperation._

Alec finds his voice just when Brother Enoch is about to leave. “Wait! Do you... do you know who... what did this?” He's holding his breath, only just realizing how badly he's hoping for a positive answer.

Brother Enoch is quiet for a long moment, watching him.

_No, I do not, I am sorry. You can go back to the others now, and stay safe._

Alec can barely hide his disappointment, nods and closes his eyes, running his hands over his face. He'll just have to face it, he won't ever find out and he shouldn't want to. He has many other problems to deal with after all. He gives himself another minute, not wanting to be this kind of mess when the others see him but there isn't much he can do but wipe the remaining liquid from his skin, ruffling through his hair.

He gets up and leaves quickly, glad to see the others are back already, looking exhausted, but not as bad as him, except maybe Jace... but he can't... not yet.

Before anyone can ask any questions he doesn't want to answer he speaks. “All OK here, nothing new to report and I really need a shower, so can we just please go back to the hotel.”

They all stay quiet at his request and nod, Magnus opening up a portal immediately.

* * *

After showering and shaving (and cutting himself because he's so antsy and impatient) and dressing clean clothes Magnus got him, he feels guilty as hell as he's heading back to their room where his boyfriend's waiting. He hasn't even asked how everyone else got through it and how they are, and he's so damn sick of everything being only about himself. It's incredibly frustrating and he's in such a depressing mood, and when Magnus' smile fades the moment he lays eyes on Alec, the Shadowhunter feels even worse.

“I just feel like such a bastard making everything about me, I hate it and I don't want to be this uncaring asshole who's taking you all for granted and that you're all putting your lives on hold for me and I'm just so sick of myself I can't even tell you! I wish I could just punch the crap out of myself and just... just...”

Magnus moves quickly, taking Alec's fisted hands into his own, bringing them up and cradling them on his chest, waiting patiently until he's meeting his eyes. “Alexander, I understand your frustration, from your point of view, but it's not true, no one is here who doesn't want to be, and you're the most caring person I know, and if you weren't, then you wouldn't feel like this. Also, we're about to have lunch so you can inquire about everyone's well-being then. Now, just take a deep breath and calm down.”

Alec huffs and rolls his eyes, closes them and tilts his head backwards, breathing in and out several times until he forces his body to relax some and looks at Magnus again.

“Better?” Alec shrugs, nods a little and then wraps his arms around his boyfriend and pulls him close, pushing his nose into Magnus' hair inhaling deeply.

“How was it for you?” He whispers, his hand caressing up and down Magnus' spine.

“Pretty humiliating, but a necessity, I just wish it wouldn't have been so futile. What about you?”

Alec sighs. “I hoped... they'd find something, but he said he doesn't know anything. I just gotta accept that we won't find out and move on. At least it's over, now we just have to find Alistair and Rayna and stop them, and then we can go back to our old, boring lives, right?” Alec wishes nothing more than to have a boring life right now.

“That's true, my love, but life with you will never be boring.” Magnus smiles fondly and Alec freezes inwardly.  _You'll die pretty soon._ He squeezes his eyes shut and clings to Magnus even tighter who's noticed the change in Alec and worriedly holds him closer still. If only the comfort he can provide will be enough.

 


	25. In Rome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know whether I even need to say this, but, there will be a lot more angst before any kind of conclusion, just so you know.
> 
> Special thanks to my Parabeta for helping me through this so I can continue to write and plot. <3

Before they head to lunch Magnus quickly heals Alec's shaving cut despite his protest that it's not necessary, and then Alec makes sure to talk to everyone, finding out how they're doing, except Jace who isn't there yet, and Alec feels frustrated once more because he had built up to facing his Parabatai finally, and now not got the chance to.

Jace joined them halfway through lunch and afterwards Alec sidles up to him. “Hey, how are you?” It sounds so stupid and he feels so damn guilty for reasons he can't even make out.

“Alright, you? Was it really bad?” Jace is so concerned Alec doesn't know how to handle it.

“Yes, I'm okay, and it wasn't that bad, just hoped they'd find something useful, you know?”

Jace nods. “They might yet, never give up hope.” He smiles softly.

Alec nods. “Yeah, right.”

Then they get separated, but at least that was... something.

 

“Why don't we go back to the safe house?” Max asks, having heard Magnus, Raphael and Luke talking about the loft not being safe anymore and needing to find a stronger spell.

“No one can get in there, Raphael and Luke can inform us when there are news and we can spend some time together without constantly fearing we have to run from some asshole. Well, that's in case the cats can come?” Max regards Magnus expectantly who seems rather clueless judging from his expression.

“That is a rather excellent idea, my young friend, but I have no knowledge of whether the spell includes animals or not.” Ragnor would maybe know, but after that call he can't bother him, not with something like this.

“Well, if it's any help, I saw a spider.” Izzy provides.

“And I heard a mouse.” Clary quips and Jace sputters.

“That wasn't a mouse, babe.” He looks highly amused.

Clary gives him half a glare and crosses her arms. “It so was.”

Magnus raises an eyebrow, delighted to see the same expression on Alec's face, and turns away back to Max. “We'll just have to try.”

He quickly speaks with Luke and Raphael again and then opens a portal. “Wait for just one minute!” Simon suddenly yells and leaps upstairs as fast as his vampire speed lets him, leaving everyone rather startled behind. When he jumps down the staircase again he's got his rucksack. “Very important content.” He pats it, giving them all an affirmative look.

“Well, Sirius, if you're finally ready.” Magnus says ironically and gestures dramatically at the portal. Simon straightens indignantly and steps through first, everyone else following right behind, Max holding the Chairman and Church settled around Alec's neck.

  

“So, do we just walk in with them? How will we know when it doesn't work?” Max addresses Magnus again as they're stood in Texas in front of the house.

Magnus rubs his fingers together, thinking hard for a moment and then shrugs. “Just try it.”

He waves the door open and walks with Max who's still holding the Chairman towards it. He doesn't think anything bad would happen, Max would probably just not get through. Or that's what he really, really hopes.

As Max steps over the threshold, however, nothing at all happens and he turns with a big grin on his face. “It works! C'mon, Alec and Church!”

Alec can't but smile and enters the house with the other cat, looking around as if he were here for the first time. It's familiar but it's very weird to be back, remembering now all that he couldn't when he was here before and everything that happened during their stay. Very weird, indeed.

Simon settles on one of the couches and pulls his laptop out of the rucksack and two pairs of in-ears. “Alec, you're with me, I made a special playlist for you to catch you up on all the super important songs and music videos you've missed!”

His smile splits his face and Alec blinks stunned for a moment, but seriously, it's not really a surprise. Simon's been trying to convert him to pop music ever since they became friends and actually, he got Alec to like quite a few songs, shows and movies and Alec's started to enjoy spending these times with him. And they got time right now, don't they? And he's curious now, and it's a damn good distraction!

“Alright, we're in.” He settles next to him, Church still comfortable looking over his shoulder at the laptop and Simon rubs his hands gleefully before handing Alec one pair of the ear-phones.

“Hey, let us at least listen, too, or do you have something to hide?” Clary speaks up, challenging her best friend.

Simon exchanges a look with Alec and they agree that it's cool.

“Alright people! First, the queen, Sia, of course! She's got two new albums, Alec, and I have under extremely strenuous circumstances managed to reduce them to the best ten songs you absolutely need to hear! But you'll have to listen to the whole albums later some time, of course.”

Alec presses his lips together and nods. “Of course.” He does like some of these songs Simon's shown him, but he's not nearly as obsessed with the singer.

They spend the afternoon chatting, listening to horrendous, funny, wonderful, and ridiculous songs, listening to Simon's explanations about them and the music videos to Alec who's completely focused and, without noticing himself, relaxed and smiling a lot, while having alcoholic (Magnus) and non-alcoholic drinks (everyone else) and snacks in between and they're just enjoying each other's company tremendously.

Magnus is sitting in 'his' armchair, sipping his cocktails, quietly watching Alec every moment, relishing his every expression that speaks of anything other than pain and sadness and he's very grateful for Max's suggestion and Simon's efforts and joy at granting much needed distraction to Alec, and everyone else.

They spend the evening cooking, having dinner, talking only about trivial things and it's exactly what they all need, playing games afterwards and having a few drinks (not just Magnus this time).

Close to 1 am, however, they're all done in, Max having fallen asleep with the cats on Izzy's lap this time. They say their goodnights and Alec just about manages to undress himself before falling flat onto the bed, sighing blissfully. There's not one thought disturbing him and he wants to fall asleep before it can happen.

Magnus watches him smiling, admiring all that skin Alec's showing wearing just his boxer briefs but he's not going to start anything tonight, having high hopes the joyful day and alcohol will let him sleep peacefully for once. And if he's honest, he's shattered himself. He quickly magicks his clothes but underwear away and joins his boyfriend on the bed, gently massaging his neck and shoulders, dropping butterfly kisses onto his head and neck until Alec's soft moans and sighs transform into even breathing. Magnus settles down next to him, wrapping a protective arm over him and drifts off soon after.

* * *

Alec does have a dream, his other self trying to convince him once again that his relationship with Magnus is pointless, worthless and will be over way too soon, and then what? He won't have to care as he'll be dead, but what about Magnus? How could he do that to him claiming he loves him so?

When he wakes up this time he doesn't yell or gasp or sweat or even move, he just opens his eyes, his heartbeat quite strong, but it's closer to a normal wake up than he's had in ages. He didn't even disturb Magnus and he's glad. He doesn't want to think of the dream, though, turns over on his side and watches his boyfriend for a long while, solely focusing on him until he can't hold himself back and brushes his lips over Magnus' soft ones over and over and once he feels Magnus reciprocating, just half asleep by now, he deepens the kiss, sudden surprise and joy showing on his face as he tastes minty breath.

“Even half asleep, you're great.” He whispers, grinning against Magnus' lips and before he can answer lets his tongue dive right into Magnus' warm, moist mouth. Just when their bodies are about to heat up so much there's no way back, Magnus' phone rings. He'd not normally answer it in this situation, but the ringtone alarms him.

“It's Catarina.” He says apologetically but Alec immediately understands and mimics him to answer, sitting up himself.

“Catarina, darling.” He listens attentively, very quiet himself.

“Alright, I'll meet you there.” He ends the call, puts the phone away and turns to Alec.

“What's wrong?” Alec's anxious now, and he won't let him go anywhere on his own.

“Nothing, well, you know she's been looking for a way to destroy that damned sphere, and she hasn't exactly found it but something we can try. So, I'll meet her and hopefully it won't take long.” He leans over to kiss him.

“I'll go with you.” Magnus smiles softly but shakes his head.

“Alexander, it's-”

“No, whatever it is, I'll come with you, I'm not letting you go anywhere on your own, not without me.”

Magnus knows he's lost that fight seeing the determination in Alec's eyes and hearing it in his voice, and he doesn't want to fight anyway, and he really doesn't want to be anywhere at all without him. So he weakly agrees and they quickly get ready. They leave a note in case the others come looking for them, though Magnus hopes it won't take that long, and meet Catarina closest to where Magnus has been before so she can take them to the sphere.

Ragnor's words have been playing on his mind ever since and though he does take his friend's warning seriously, he can't help but be dangerously curious, wanting to know exactly what the sphere can do, and whether he will be affected the same way.

“Are we seriously in...” Alec's looking around awe-struck.

Magnus grins fondly at him. “Rome? Si, signore. The Piazza Navona to be exact. It's rather nice.”

Alec gives him a no-bullshit look. “Nice? It's stunning! How often have you been here before?”

“Just a few dozen times, I suppose.” Alec snorts slightly and shakes his head. Maybe they ought to come here on their holiday, maybe they should make a whole world trip! He'd love to show these places to his siblings, and he's sure Magnus knows hundreds more.

“Magnus! Alec!” They turn simultaneously towards the familiar voice and greet their friend with a big squeeze.

“Catarina, have you been looking after yourself?” Magnus observes her thoroughly, feeling responsible as she's been doing all the work, with Ragnor incapable of facing anyone right now and himself being otherwise occupied.

“Yes, I have, I promise. Now, let's not waste any time and follow me.” She moves speedily and they need to be quick to keep up.

She leads them into an old stone building, with high walls and a higher ceiling and Alec can't but stare upwards while trying not to trip over anything. The huge windows are painted with magnificent colors everywhere, but they soon get that they won't stay above ground as Catarina descends a long and winding staircase downwards into an ancient cellar. She halts for merely a few seconds to magic a stonewall out of their way and they head even further downwards a dark, damp, narrow path seemingly endless, torches lit either way. Finally they seem to have arrived. Alec wonders how far below ground they are now and how it can be such a crass difference from before. It's even darker down here, smelling of earth and cold stone and... decay... probably rats or maybe even bones of ancient deceased.

“Careful!” He jumps at Catarina's warning, only now spotting the hole right in front of him that he almost stepped in.

“It's a very old and very deep well. I read that items of blood magic are best concealed in water deep underground.” She reaches out her arms over the well and uses her magic to make the sphere float upwards, it's in a silver case that she opens quickly and steps back, an unsettling apprehension building inside her whenever she's close to it.

Magnus feels drawn to it instantly, his cat eyes glowing brighter and he steps closer, wanting to touch-

“Magnus, stay back! Be careful, it's calling upon us and when Ragnor touched it...” She trails off, too painful the images of her friend and the state he was in.

Magnus shakes himself and nods at her. The magic is very strong and he can't let it control him.

Alec stepped back until he hit a wall, he doesn't feel the pull, but he can still sense the peril it exudes.

“What do we have to do?” Magnus addresses his friend who, by his surprise, pulls out a knife.

“It's rather comical, I know, but we'll have to use our blood for the spell, and hopefully it won't fire back on us, but it's the only spell I found, and it may not work.”

She looks rather crestfallen and insecure, but Magnus trusts her and holds out his hand for her to cut, she quickly does her own and presses their hands together, letting their blood mix. “Just repeat after me.”

Alec watches and listens transfixed as the two of them chant a spell in a language he's never heard in perfect unison, their magic enveloping them before a beam floats into the direction of the sphere, almost cautiously building a veil around it without touching it at first, and then completely engulfing it.

Alec stares and stares at the moving magic circle and suddenly he can't see the sphere within any longer. He steps closer carefully to see better. “I think it work-"

In that moment their magic explodes and they're all thrown against the wall, the sphere floating in the air unharmed.

“Oh no, it didn't work, I'm so sorry.” Catarina moans a little painfully but she's glad the repercussion wasn't worse, they could have been harmed lethally.

Alec feels slightly nauseous for a moment but it's gone as soon as it came and he's about to stand when he notices Magnus moving towards the sphere.

“Magnus? What are-”

“Magnus! No!” Catarina shouts panicked but it's already too late.

The sphere's magic took a hold of him when he was weakened in the explosion and is calling him so forcefully he can't but obey, his natural curiosity making him an even easier target. His hands take a hold on either side of it and his mind is catapulted into the sphere's abyss.

* * *

“Magnus? Magnus? Magnus!” It's dark and he hears voices as if from under water, there's some light now... he's blinking, hazy shapes in front of him. More voices... two voices... familiar...

“I... I'm okay...” They help him sit up, both slightly less panicked than before, their faces still horrified, though. They weren't able to disconnect him from the sphere until it let go of him and then he fell unconscious.

“What happened?” His mind is cloudy but all of a sudden it comes rushing back to him and all color is drained from his face, breathing is made unbearable and a choked sound is all that he can press out as he collapses into himself, incapable of bearing the agony.

Alec feels like these minutes are the longest and worst of his entire life as they can only watch as Magnus winds himself on the floor in ailment and there's nothing they can do, not even Catarina's magic.

Alec is dangerously close to losing it when Magnus finally stops moving and seems to breathe again. He's too quiet now, though, just staring ahead unblinking. Alec carefully touches his arm and caresses hair from his forehead.

“Magnus? Please say something, please.”

Alec's voice penetrates his mind and he wills himself back, sitting up, meeting a pair of incredibly beautiful, as well as incredibly frightened eyes. Magnus wants nothing more than to reassure him, but he cannot speak, the torment he's gone through leaving him powerless in ways he's not known to be possible. All he can do is open up his arms and close them around Alec's body as he falls against him, crying quietly into his neck. Magnus is inwardly too disintegrated to cry, or do anything else.

  

“I can't... ever go near it again, I'm sorry.” They're finally back outside, Catarina having renewed the concealment spell, but she doesn't know where else to look now. And she's hurting so much for her friends, unable to fathom what they must have seen.

“I understand. I will keep looking.” She hugs him tightly, then Alec, then gives Magnus a small flask and a piece of rolled up paper. “To conceal the loft, she shouldn't be able to find it until she gains more power.”

Magnus stares at the items, then meets her eyes. He's incapable of expressing what it all means what she's been doing for him, for them, and still... he feels disjointed, inept, lost and speechless. She gets it, smiles sadly and nods her bye before she disappears.

Alec is still beyond scared for Magnus, cups his cheek and searches his eyes. Everything about him radiates deep consternation.

Upon connecting with Alec's eyes, Magnus manages to snap out of it and opens a portal for them quickly. “Let's go to the loft and try this spell.”

Alec just nods, feeling completely at a loss and just going with whatever Magnus wants.

The spell takes a while but thanks to Catarina's groundwork, Magnus doesn't need to use half as much magic as he normally would have had to.

“It's done.” He announces, staring ahead. Alec's been watching him closely and slowly approaches him now, putting an arm around his waist, pulling Magnus against himself, dropping a kiss on his temple.

“You should rest now, okay? Let's just lie down.” He wishes he would possess magic or anything other that could help Magnus feel better, but plain comforting will have to do.

Magnus lets Alec steer him into the direction of their bedroom but his heels dig into the floor suddenly, making Alec have to halt as well.

The intense desperation Magnus' eyes are exuding is knocking the breath out of Alec. “What's wrong?”

Magnus doesn't have the words, he doesn't have... he can't... “There is nothing... no one as important as you are, no one... you know that, don't you?” Alec's never seen Magnus in such a fragile, frantic state and he can't but nod, finding it slightly easier to breathe when Magnus' face relaxes a little.

“Come, love, just rest for a while.” He pulls Magnus with him gently and they end up on their bed but when Alec means to just hold Magnus against him, he's finding himself being straddled, Magnus' mouth taking possession of his own, Magnus' hands of his body.

Alec's startled, clueless about what's going on with Magnus, but unable to resist his eyes that are overflowing with the most intense emotions of love, desire, need and also a forlornness Alec doesn't know how to place, making him feel fearful.

Magnus' gaze never leaves Alec's face in all the time he's showering him with utmost pleasure, completely neglecting himself. Alec doesn't know how to voice his concerns and Magnus' captivating eyes are keeping him quiet, wanting to do whatever it is Magnus needs and the world of bliss he makes him feel with his mouth, fingers and magic sparking his insides is undeniably ecstatic.

It's as if Magnus is trying to ingrain every single one of Alec's emotions, features and sounds into himself to keep them for all eternity, only able to let himself go and melt with Alec after the longest time, leaving them exhaustively drained, both dropping off within minutes.

 

“ _So, what would you have me do? Leave him? Why am I even arguing with you?”_

“ _Because, you know, deep down in your not so innocent, more truthful self, that I'm right. You'll break him regardless, but the longer you'll stay the worse it will get for him, but you're obviously way too selfish to care, aren't you? You could have spared him from the start but you wanted to fulfill your own needs more than be considerate of his heart and now you're both fucked, in a non-pleasurable way. But, come on, he'll get over you, it's not like you're truly the only one he's ever going to love in FOREVER, how ridiculous are you? He may believe it now but once you lose your good looks – in case you'll live long enough to – he'll look for someone prettier again, it's just natural, no big deal.”_

“ _You're disgusting and you're NOT me, you don't have any idea about love and commitment-”_

“ _Alec, please, stop being so bloody pathetic and finally admit it. You were doomed from the very start and no confessions of love will ever change that, you'll die and he'll move on. Wouldn't it be fair to give him that chance now before he's stuck with you for a few more years? Anyway, I'm tired of this. Let's do something fun!”_

_It's dark, he's got something in his hand, a blade, his blade? Light flashes suddenly, blinding him and the blade drops from his hands as a shocked yell leaves his mouth. He's staring at his hands that are smeared with thick blood, blood on the knife on the ground, blood on his clothes, his shoes, leaving bloody footsteps. He quickly runs back the way he came, dreading what he'll see, wimpering 'No' over and again as he spots the figure lying on the ground, knows it's his Parabatai, knows he killed him, remembers every detail about it, the way it felt, how GOOD it felt even though he's fighting it, willing himself to believe it's not true and it wasn't really him, but it's getting harder to convince himself. Everything is getting so much harder._

_He pulls the lifeless body into his arms and cries, only now remembering that he has to wake himself up, meeting his own hard, vicious eyes just before the dream ends._

 

He's still crying and Magnus must be really out of it to not have woken up but all the better. Alec quickly leaves the bed, grabs his pants and a shirt and heads into the kitchen, furthest away from the bedroom, dresses quickly and sinks to the floor, crying into his knees until he's able to stop again. But he wants everything to stop, just stop, every single thing, just stop.

Until he focuses on this morning and Magnus' suffering and he can't be so...  _selfish_. It's all screwing up his mind irreparably but he's still trying. He's still trying to come out of it halfway sane. If only for his siblings, and Magnus. He can't stop trying, he just can't.

He checks on Magnus who's still asleep, listens to him breathe for a few minutes, the unsettling intensity reflecting in his eyes earlier haunting him once more, and then he quickly takes a shower to get rid of the evidence of his little breakdown.

When he comes back the bed's empty and he hurries out and thankfully spots Magnus in the kitchen, supposedly looking for something in the shelves. He's dressed in Alec's briefs that are a little too big but not taking anything away from his perfectly shaped butt. His hair's all messy, his bronze skin shining and Alec feels such an overwhelming urge to be with him.

He strides over the few steps his long legs take, grabs Magnus' upper arm and turns him around, pressing their mouths together hard, pulling his briefs down fast and shoving him up to sit on the kitchen counter. Three seconds later he's undressed himself again, pulls Magnus' legs up and around his waist and grinds against him, every kiss and touch feeling desperate, craving to be one with him, taking but a minute for their bodies to be joined, and only a few more until they're gasping and groaning, riding out their climaxes, their kisses slowly losing wildness and getting softer, until Alec finally lets go of Magnus' legs and supports him into a standing position again.

Their lips and faces hurt, red and a few purple marks covering them and Alec can clearly see his bite marks on Magnus' neck and shoulder, looking pretty sore. He traces them carefully, biting his already aching lip, feeling guilty suddenly for having been so rough. He doesn't know what came over him, doesn't comprehend much of anything anymore. All he wants is normalcy and the very trivial problems he used to have before, and for any of his loved ones to  _never_ have the need to hurt again because of him. He knows it's way too much to ask, but he could just scream and never stop if he let himself.

“I'm sorry I hurt you.” He cups Magnus' cheek as gently as possible as if trying to make it up to him now. Magnus pushes into the touch, reminding Alec so much of the Chairman.

“Don't be, I wasn't complaining, was I?” The loving smile Magnus shows isn't enough to disguise the excessive exhaustion he's been through and must still be feeling, Alec curses himself, lifts Magnus into his arms, ignoring his surprise and takes him back to bed.

“What were you looking for earlier, before I... distracted you?” He tucks the cover back around his boyfriend, silencing any objection he may have.

“Nothing special, just had a small headache.” Alec's cursing himself even more now which Magnus notices immediately. “Don't worry, it's pretty much gone now. Sexual healing, you know?” He grins softly and pulls on Alec's mouth until the frown and thin lips vanish for a tiny smile and eye-roll.

“You sure you don't need anything?” Alec caresses Magnus' forehead with great care, unable to stop feeling guilty.

“I do... you.” Magnus moves up to catch Alec's lips and pulls him down against him.

They kiss way more tenderly than before to spare their already abused lips and eventually just hold each other.

 

“What happened, what did you see?” Alec's been playing with and caressing Magnus' fingers, trying to push every unpleasant thought away, ending up obsessing over what happened to Magnus with the sphere and finally couldn't keep quiet any longer.

Magnus grows numb inside, the memories insufferable. He can never tell anyone, especially not Alexander.

“Ragnor warned me, he said the sphere showed him his deepest desire. It tries to make us use it to fulfill it, but it could never become reality. I never told you but Ragnor had twin siblings. Two girls, Ariana and Sora. They both died in a fire, they were trapped in a barn they'd played in, while Ragnor was looking for them. No one knows how the fire started, some even blamed him, he blames himself, not because of the fire, but because he was too young to know about his powers, and he believes that if he had, he could have saved them. The sphere must have promised him to get them back if he succumbed.”

Alec's in shock, his mind not sparing him from imagining his own siblings dying like this, him being the sole survivor... he can't even begin to fathom that kind of excruciation.

“That's so horrible.” He whispers, pressing closer into Magnus' body.

“Yes, truly.” Magnus sighs softly, now painfully clear to him why Ragnor behaved the way he did. And he can't but hope that he'll find a way to move on from it, just as he will have to find a way...

“So, what did the sphere promise you?” Alec needs to know now, are there dead people Magnus wishes to see again? Something else? That kind of reaction... what could be so horrific?

Magnus closes himself off, carefully moving away from Alec and out of bed. “Please don't ask me again, I won't say, I'm sorry. I'll take a shower now.” He can't bear the sight of Alexander just now, he can't bear this love that is stifling his soul.

Alec's struck to his core, not for a second having expected this kind of reaction, and that look Magnus just gave him... it's all so fucking wrong!! He drops face down into his pillow and screams, but it doesn't make anything any better.

 


	26. Bonds

Magnus is taking a long time in the bathroom and Alec's not finding a good enough reason to go in there and try to work things out, he doesn't even understand what they're supposed to work out, what even happened, apart from these strange, discomforting feelings, and the crushing sensation of the unknown.

 

He can hear his phone faintly and gets out of bed, finding it in the living-room. “Hey, Iz.”

“Alec! What's going on? Where are you? What happened?” Damn, she sounds so worried, he really should have called or at least sent them a message to let them know they were okay. Not that he particularly feels okay, and he's freaking sure Magnus doesn't either.

He feels choked up suddenly. “We're at the loft, it's safe again, Catarina gave us a spell...” He feels an overwhelming urge to see his sister in person suddenly, but they're stuck in Texas and he's stuck here without Magnus' powers.

“Alec, you sound really strange, what's the matter?” He holds the phone away for a moment, pushing his fingers into his eyes, sighing deeply.

“I just wanna see you, I'll ask Magnus soon, he's just... busy.” Actually he can hear sounds in the bedroom now. “I'll see you soon, okay? Gotta go.”

He hangs up and stares at the bedroom door, feeling way more nervous than he should.

When Magnus finally appears he's looking so... normal, it's the wrong word but Alec's just stunned and even more out of his depth than before. The hickeys and marks are gone, he's dressed and styled, not overtly so, but the usual, and he's smiling, and Alec can't help feeling even more upside down.

“Can we go back to the others?” He really  _needs_  to talk to Izzy, it's almost physically painful now.

“Sure, do you want to surprise them in your birthday suit or...?” Magnus is grinning softly and Alec's frowning deeply, glancing down on him. Oh, right.

“I'll get dressed.” He's heading past Magnus, feeling uneasy jitters in his stomach.

When Alec's disappeared in the bedroom, Magnus drops the act, letting his head fall, closing his eyes. He knows he's doing him wrong, and he hates himself for it, but he hasn't had chance to figure out how to cope with what happened, yet. And all he knows is how to pretend, also knowing Alexander isn't a fool and will see right through it, but he just doesn't know what else to do.

“I'm ready.” Alec emerges a couple of minutes later, wearing the usual black, his face masked and Magnus wishes so much he could be better for him.

“Do you want me to get rid of these?” He asks carefully, gesturing towards Alec's face and the marks that are still all over his skin.

Alec wants to deny but even less he wants to have to listen to any comments his friends and siblings would throw at him without a doubt, so he nods, unable to meet Magnus' eyes while he's so close, his magic healing them.

“Thanks, we can go now.” Alec steps away to get some more distance, waiting for Magnus to open the portal and once they're back, he seeks out his sister immediately, grabbing her hand and pulling her outside, walking fast until they're approximately at the place where Magnus told him before that the spell was ending.

“Okay, Alec, you're really scaring me now, talk!” Izzy's watching him scrutinizingly.

“Izzy, it's... I don't even know. We went to Catarina, and she led us to that sphere Rayna's looking for, and they used a spell to try and destroy it but it completely backfired and it was controlling Magnus and it did something to him, something really bad and he won't tell me and everything is really fucked up and I don't know what to do anymore, everything just feels so wrong...”

She quickly wraps him into a hug, trying to soothe him. “Shhh, everything will be okay, Alec, you'll find a way to make it right again, together, like always, and we're all here to help in any way we can, you just have to fight whatever it is that tries to make you believe you're alone in this.”

Alec's soaking up her comfort like a sponge for a long while, feeling a little better. He really needs to remind himself to get help from others, else he's definitely lost.

They walk quietly side by side for a little while, Alec going through thoughts and memories that are relatively safe, but he gets stuck on one very unsafe topic. But if there's one person he can ask about it, it's her.

“Izzy? How do you cope with Simon being, you know, immortal?” They've stopped walking and he's looking at her insecurely, hoping he won't hurt her too much with this.

“I guess, me and Simon, we're just different.” She doesn't seem especially upset, and her answer makes him frown, not understanding.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, our feelings for each other aren't quite the same, I mean, we love each other, but it's just not so...”

“What, Izzy?” He's starting to feel anxious and impatient now.

“Our feelings just aren't so extreme, not consuming to a point of being destructive. I don't mean that in a bad way, for your bond with Magnus to be even stronger than your Parabatai one, I think it has to be. But it makes it much harder, and you're both suffering a lot more, and you need to work even more on not letting something like this damage you. You both love so deeply and completely... you need to find a healthy balance to not smother each other, and right now all you're both going through is making it even more difficult. But if any couple can make it, it's the two of you.” She smiles softly, trying to make him more confident.

Alec's quiet for a long moment, staring at the ground. “But I'll... have to leave him, no matter what.”

“Alec, don't... if you get stuck on this you won't ever be happy and you have a long life ahead of you, you can't think of the end.”

“How not, though? I can't just pretend that I'll be here forever, it's not true, and denying that won't make it better. I just... maybe I should never have let him fall in love with me or let myself fall for him.”

“Oh Alec, that's not something you can control, you know that, and I thought you talked this over already.”

“Yes, but that was then and now... everything's changed and nothing's as it should be and I just can't... it's not fair on him, it's just not fair.”

Izzy feels an overwhelming sadness and wishes so much she could tell her big brother something that would truly ease his mind.

“Look, Alec, you made this choice together, and Magnus wants to be with you and all you can do is be with him for as long as possible, that's all you can consciously choose. Maybe it would be easier if you didn't have your Parabatai bond, but... you can't become immortal and stay a Shadowhunter and keep your bond with Jace, and you would never break it, you love them both too much in different ways, but ultimately you can't choose between them and they wouldn't ever make you, but that means you'll feel torn either way for your whole life and you shouldn't have to endure that. Above everything you're still your own person as well, like the rest of us, and you can't lose sight of yourself and your own needs, you can't put yourself last and try to make everyone else happy, you've done that before and it hurt you and this is hurting you even more and I don't want to see you self-destruct, no matter who be the reason. I know people depend on you, Magnus and Jace especially, but even so, they don't have the right to force their wishes on you, and if you need space or anything else you have every right to take it. All you can do is look out for yourself, because if you don't, you can't actually be there for anyone else, and just love them and spend your life with them, with all of us, and make it the best life, live every day to the fullest and love with everything you have, not forgetting yourself, so you won't have any regrets, and it will be enough because it simply has to be.”

Alec gazes into his sister's big brown eyes for a long moment in astonished silence, eventually nodding. He knows she's right, he just can't really feel it, or stop feeling twisted and troubled because of it. Just something else he'll have to get used to somehow. Maybe he really shouldn't think of any kind of future when it's so hard to even get through a single day.

He just knows he has to talk to Magnus, and Jace, and figure some things out, at least he feels stronger again after that talk with Izzy, and a little more confident.

However, the moment they're back they can tell instantly that something's wrong, everyone watching Magnus tensely who's on his phone, when he spots Alec and Izzy he hangs up.

“We have to head back to the hotel, demons attacked Raphael and Luke, Raphael is badly hurt.”

He opens a portal right away and everyone rushes through, finding themselves in the foyer of the hotel where Raphael is lying on a stretcher, Luke and Jocelyn trying their best to help but Magnus can tell right away that it's severe. He turns to Clary and Izzy and opens another portal.

“Girls, find me two flasks with light blue liquid inside, and demon weed, Clary you remember what it looks like?” She nods quickly. “Good, it should be in the kitchen, the portal will stay open until you're back.”

They quickly leave and Magnus pulls up his sleeves, striding over to Raphael, as Jocelyn and Luke get out of the way so Magnus can get better access, immediately putting his magic to use.

“What happened exactly?” He inquires from Luke.

“Demon scum attacked u-” Raphael speaks but coughs before he can finish the sentence, blood spattering from his mouth.

“You be quiet, brat, let the grown ups talk, concentrate on healing!” Magnus says strictly, deep concern clearly visible on his face.

“I'm positive they were targeting Raphael and me, there were two Vermathrills, they never went after any of the others for long, just the two of us and when we got that it was almost too late, one of the worms did that, we had to bite it out of him.” Luke recalls, a remnant of the foulest taste he's ever known still left.

Magnus' frown deepens and more magic comes pouring out of his hands, if the girls get here in the next minute they may still be too late.

“I need more strength - Jace!” He spotted Alec on the other side about to rush to him but Jace is a little closer and takes one of Magnus' hands immediately.

Alec's been watching and listening, instantly ready to help Magnus, feeling slapped in the face when Magnus calls on Jace instead. Jace was just closer... but why does he feel so... crap?

Finally Clary and Izzy appear with the ingredients. Magnus is sweating and shaking even with Jace's help.

“Pour a few drops of the liquid on the weed and put it into his mouth, then carefully pour the rest into the wounds.” Clary and Izzy are complying right away and Magnus turns to look at his vampire friend. “It will hurt like hell, so don't be a baby about it.”

Raphael musters a weak glare, unable to speak and bites down on the weed in his mouth, trying to ignore the awful taste, having a hard time suppressing the screams when Izzy pours the magical fluid into his wounds.

The flasks are empty and Magnus lets go of Jace and drops his arms, knowing that no magic will help now if the potions don't work. He frees Raphael from the weed and checks his pulse.

“If he makes the next hour he'll fully recover in time, he needs to rest somewhere and someone has to stay with him.”

“I will!” Simon pushes to the front next to Raphael who seems to be asleep, fighting the poison. Magnus nods at him and together with a couple of vampire friends they take Raphael to a quiet room.

Alec spots Jocelyn gathering up all the utensils they used to clean Raphael's wounds with, and jumps at the opportunity to do something of use, helping her and carrying the stuff away.

Izzy watches him leave and takes the chance to steer Magnus to a quiet place, needing to talk to him, knowing it's not a good time, but they don't get many of those anymore.

* * *

Everyone's waiting in a somber mood, and after a little more than an hour Magnus leaves to check on his patient. When he returns he's got a small smile on his face and the relief in the room is audible.

“What can I say? Insufferable brats always make it through. He's weak but he'll be fine, make sure he gets lots of rest and doesn't move out of bed until his wounds are closed off.” He addresses the other vampires who thank him and head away to check on their leader immediately.

“Any word on more demons?” He addresses Luke who shakes his head, having been in contact with Alaric just a few minutes ago.

“Not a sign but we'll stay even more alert, I should also report this to the Silent Brothers now.” Magnus nods and turns away, his eyes falling on Alec who's leaning against a wall, staring at the floor. He swallows hard, Izzy's words burned on his mind.

He approaches him cautiously, speaking quietly. “Alexander? I need to refresh at home, will you come join me?”

Alec blinks out of his glum state and looks up, a warm tremor moving along the skin on his neck as he makes contact with those wonderful glowing eyes, just to be diminished by a cold jolt piercing his gut. He nods and straightens, grabs his bow and quiver which he retrieved earlier, and follows him through the portal.

  

Back home Alec heads straight for the rack to put his weapons away, thinking Magnus will occupy the bathroom, but the prickles on his back and the lack of footsteps is letting him know he's being watched. He turns slowly, looking at Magnus questioningly.

“I thought you wanted to refresh.” He sounds rather irritated and it's surprising himself as much as Magnus.

“I'm sorry, but I think we need to talk more importantly.” He takes a few steps towards Alec but keeps a safe distance still.

“Yeah? Don't know what we should talk about.” His arms are crossed before his chest, loosely holding onto his upper arms, his eyes glancing about, trying to look aloof and failing miserably.

Magnus truly knows every single expression and the whole of Alec's body language by heart, and his courage drops into his stomach.

“Alexander, you know we must. I know I hurt you and I'm incredibly sorry.”

Alec finally meets Magnus' eyes again, shrugging, shaking his head lightly. “It's fine, Jace was right there, it's all good, what's important is that Raphael will be okay.”

Magnus blinks, unable to follow for a moment. Jace was right there? What...

“Wait, this is about... me drawing strength from Jace?” Instead of  _you?_  Oh no.

Alec frowns, feeling caught suddenly, and like a stupid, pathetic, little idiot. “No, I just told you, it's fine!”

“Clearly it isn't or you wouldn't have brought it up. I didn't mean to put him before you, Alexander, he was simply closer as you said,...” Magnus trails off, thinking his next words might anger Alec more.

But he caught on, of course, and is challenging him now. “And what? Please, feel free to speak your mind.” Magnus can tell he managed to rile him up already.

He sighs inwardly. “And, I didn't want to use up any of your strength, because I think you need it for yourself right now.”

Magnus can see Alec's not happy with his answer, but it's the truth. He watches as he turns and walks a few steps away from him, slugging his shoulders. There's so much pain and so much guilt between them, and he'll have to do something to change it.

“Alexander, what is it you need of me? Do you need me to stay away?” Only saying those words costs him a tremendous amount of self-control, but he's been egotistical enough all this time, and if that's what Alec needs from him, he'll do it, no matter what it would do to himself.

Alec turns abruptly, gaping at Magnus. “What? No! Why... did Izzy talk to you?” She must have!

Magnus nods. “Don't be mad with her, I needed to hear it. I think we both did. Alexander, you know that I love you more than anything or anyone else, and I have been acting rather obsessive and we all know I've gone mad at times, but even these extreme circumstances aren't any excuse to overwhelm you like this. I don't want to be this selfish bastard, putting my own needs before yours and using you, making this relationship a toxic one, I couldn't forgive myself if I pushed you away or drowned you with that kind of responsibility. I won't let you sacrifice anything more for me, so please, tell me what you truly need and I'll do it.”

Alec feels punched with emotions, knowing how deep and pure Magnus' words are and that he would act on them in a heartbeat and it's all in his hands now. And maybe that's his real problem. That kind of power he's got over him, not magic, but something even stronger. What he needs of him? If only he actually knew. He knows he doesn't want him to go anywhere, he feels too distanced from him already. And if he's completely honest with himself, he does want one thing more than anything else at the moment.

“Then tell me what you saw.” He knows it's selfish and painful and unfair, but he really desperately wants to know.

Magnus is gaping at him in shock. Everything he could have thought of didn't include this, and he told him already, he won't!

“No, just don't ask me that.” Magnus' eyes are pleading so much with him but Alec doesn't seem to notice.

“Why not? You just said-” He's like a stubborn child.

“Will you tell me about your nightmares then?” Magnus cuts him off, knowing it's a low blow but he feels so vulnerable and defenseless, he can't help it.

The pain in Magnus' eyes shuts Alec up as much as the counter question and he closes himself up immediately, his features becoming hard.

“Let's talk later.” Magnus offers softly in defeat, and leaves to the bedroom and Alec curses himself; why can't he stop being such a selfish asshole? What's wrong with him?

* * *

He's slouching on the couch, unable to concentrate on a book he got out of the shelf just to have something to do while waiting for Magnus to finish whatever he's doing, probably upset because of him, when he gets a text message.

 

[December 16th - 14:37 - From: PJ]

_Can we talk?_

Alec stares at it for a good minute before he kicks himself and types back.

[December 16th - 14:38 - To: PJ]

_Where?_

[December 16th - 14:38 - From: PJ]

_Old place, inside._

[December 16th - 14:39 - To: PJ]

_Be there asap._

He's about to knock at the bedroom door when he thinks better of it. He types a text message to Magnus, letting him know he's gone to see Jace and leaves, grabbing his coat on the way.

While taking the subway and walking through part of town, he's noticing the 'Happy Holidays' signs, lights, trees, and other decorations for the first time. It's almost Christmas and that somehow really shocks him. It was April back then... almost eight months ago now. And so much happened in the last three weeks, it's impossible to get his head around, impossible to keep his wits.

As he approaches the old abandoned building close to the harbor, he feels strange nervous jitters in his stomach and he's telling himself off for being so damn ridiculous again. He's really gone crazy.

They found this place as children, often stole themselves here to sit on the roof in warm weather, looking out over the harbor, and inside on an old mattress someone left some time ago, when it was too cold for the roof.

Jace is already here, sitting cross-legged on his part of the mattress, Alec feeling stunned that it's still in any shape to bear their weight, but he must have brought a new blanket with him Alec doesn't recognize. He sits down quietly next to him and looks out of the big windows. They often sat here without talking, having learned to understand each other without any words, and sometimes they talked the whole night through until they had to run home before they got caught. They did get caught a few times, but that never stopped them from coming back.

Alec hasn't been here for a few years now at least, and he wonders whether Jace came without him. Maybe in those months he was gone, when Jace was out alone, needing time and space.

Alec glances over at his Parabatai and their eyes meet, and when Jace smiles softly, he manages a small smile in return.

“Thanks for coming, I know you don't really have much room to breathe right now.” Alec averts his eyes, wanting to immediately deny it and tell him that he's always got time for him, but that'd be a lie and Jace would know it.

“Yeah, can't but hope all this madness will be over soon.” He can feel Jace nod.

An awkward silence falls and Alec wishes his brother would say something, because he just doesn't know what to say.

“Alright, look, Alec, I asked you here because there's something I want to know.” Jace shifts slightly more towards him and Alec turns his head, forcing himself to look at him, willing down the nerves he's feeling again now.

“What happened this morning? I could feel you were really badly upset, and I was really worried when you were gone, I found your note but that didn't really tell us much.”

Shit! Of course Jace would have felt  _that._  Him losing his shit over Magnus and the sphere... this is exactly why he wishes their bond wouldn't be so strong anymore, because he can't but feel horribly guilty for hurting Jace so much every single time he's going through some crap. He tells him what he told Izzy before, sensing how much it affects him to learn of it, not knowing what he could do about it. Stop feeling. He only wishes. Badly.

They're quiet for a few more minutes, each one lost in their own thoughts, but Jace speaks up again eventually.

“I know you feel guilty for a lot of things that aren't your fault at all, and I know a lot of it is because of me, our bond, and me feeling some of the things you're going through. I need you to know you're not to blame, I don't blame you for anything, because nothing's your doing, but what I wanna know is... is that the only reason you've been avoiding me or is there something else? Because I have a feeling that there is and I wish you'd tell me.”

Tension is spreading through Alec, his jaw tight. “I havent...”  _Liar._  “I didn't mean to...” He's rubbing his fingers together in an anxious gesture now.

“Hey, I'm not mad or anything, I just want to know what's going on in your head so I can maybe help, at least where I'm concerned.”

Alec snorts silently. What's going on in his head? What isn't going on in there? Gosh, damn.

“It's nothing about you, I mean, you didn't do anything or whatever, I'm just messed up... like seriously, everything before this seems like a joke now.”

When he feels Jace's hand on his arm he quickly glances at him and shows him a trace of a smile, but he doesn't feel like smiling one bit.

“And you and Magnus? Are you okay otherwise?”

Crap, why does he have to ask that? He sighs softly and shakes his head. “Not really. It's... complicated, like everything else.” Alec laughs a little, bitterly.

“I'm sorry.” He senses Alec's sadness and lots of other unpleasant emotions, wishing for the thousandth time he could take it away from him, like Alec used to soothe his nightmares, worries and fears away, just by being him, being there for Jace when he thought the whole world hated him and he hated the world. But not Alec, he tried his best to keep his distance from the taller, darker boy, but he never managed and then he learned how to love and trust and be there for others in return, all because of his best friend, brother, and soulmate. But he feels completely inept to help him now, and it pains him so much because Alec truly is the last person to ever deserve misery, let alone this much.

Alec shakes his head, indicating it's not Jace's fault and he'll sort it out somehow.

“So, there really isn't anything else...?” Jace has to ask again, because he can't shake this intuition, this certain sensation he can feel at times through their bond he can't place at all.

Alec sees blood, so much blood and swallows down hard, forcing the images down. “No.” He won't burden Jace with that shit and he wouldn't know how to explain any of it anyway. Better to keep it inside and try to ignore it as best as he can.

* * *

It took Magnus half an hour to stop this overpowering urge to cry, but he didn't let a single tear slip, because he can't allow himself to be this weak any longer.

He's perfectly aware of how grave the whole situation is, Alec's feelings and his own, the future of their relationship amongst all the unknown about what may happen with Rayna and Alistair, and more essentially to him, how Alexander will cope with all of this. Even the strongest, most determined person has a breaking point, and should they not find a way to relieve him of some of his burdens, he will reach his sooner than later, and whatever Magnus will do, he can't let it come to that. But unless Alec asks for his help, he can't do anything, at least not with magic.

Above everything he can't be the one person to add to Alec's suffering when he should be the one to be able to heal him, he'd rather keep his distance than hurt him like that, Izzy truly opened his eyes today and he can't believe how self-absorbed he's been, but from now on he'll put Alec's needs first again and keep all of his bleakness and selfishness away from him.

He also has to take better care of his friends again and sends Ragnor and Catarina hopefully comforting messages, after he saw Alec's text which got him worried for a minute, because he's out there on his own and not even took his bow, but he's with Jace, so he should get a grip! It's just those awful memories invading his mind when he couldn't find him anymore, when he had just vanished into air. If anything like that would happen again... he forcefully shakes himself out of it and heads to the kitchen to cook something to distract himself, always an eye on his phone, just in case. He didn't text him back, to give him space, but he's hoping to either hear from him soon, or better yet, have him back right here in person.

* * *

They've been chatting casually for a little while, mostly about Max and the cats, because, sadly, there are hardly any carefree topics in their lives right now.

Alec's missed this, he realizes. He really just missed talking and being with Jace, as they used to, without heaviness between them, like there is now but hopefully not for much longer, or used to be when he was crushing on him badly, trying so hard to hide it, yet unable to stay away from him. He's happy in one aspect now; that he can love Jace without longing for something more, making at least one thing a lot easier.

Alec's watching his brother's profile, trying to recall all that he saw or heard or felt about what he's been through while he was gone, or didn't have his memories, and again, it's too much to take in and he wishes he could just wrap them all into himself and keep them safe and loved, never letting them be hurt again, especially not by him.

“Come here you.” He cradles Jace's neck with one hand and pulls him against him, pressing their foreheads together.

Jace smiles surprised but feels how a weight is falling off of him. “Feeling mushy, Lightwood?”

Alec musters a little grin. “Just shut up, I'm being selfish.”

“You? Never.” Alec's the least selfish person to ever exist in Jace's world.

“Yes, I am, and stop telling me what I am or not, I know myself better than you.” His tone is light on purpose but the meaning of his words is serious.

“No way, Alec. Do I have to remind you of the ten-thousand times you saved me and put me and everyone else before yourself? You're selfless to a fault and even though you've started looking out for yourself more, when it comes down to it, you're still the same.” Nothing proved this more than Alec sacrificing himself for everyone else even when he didn't have his memories.

He knows how much Alec dislikes to hear that stuff, but it's the truth and Jace knows he wouldn't be here or even be who he is now if not for Alec, and he'll owe his brother forever for giving him his friendship, care and love, and the strongest bond he's ever known, even though he knows how much it's hurting him these days and he wishes he could change that, but losing him, again, for real, he couldn't bear it.

Alec's heart trips up achingly, a darkness overshadowing his insides. Jace expected some kind of response at least and when he doesn't get it he pulls back to look at Alec, a frown laced with concern appearing on his forehead at the severe, far away expression on Alec's face.

“Alec? What is it?” He's touching Alec's chin and turns his head towards him, watching as he blinks and comes back from wherever he went to.

“Oh, nothing.” He quickly checks his cell for the time, wondering how come he left the loft three hours ago already, feeling a gnawing sensation at him for making Magnus wait and worry, because he knows he is. And the way they parted earlier is weighing on him heavily now.

Jace gets it even if he doesn't know the full story. “C'mon, let's head back, I've kept you long enough.” He smiles softly and stands up, Alec following.

“You haven't kept me, Jace, I'm really glad we did this and I hope we can repeat it soon.” Alec's genuineness is making Jace fear he'll tear up, wondering for the 100th time when he became such a crybaby. Alec's fault, obviously.

“We'll just have to make sure. Now, let's go, I don't want Magnus' wrath on me for keeping you past your curfew.” He smirks back at Alec as he walks out of the building.

“I don't have a curfew! And it's still the afternoon!” Alec answers indignantly, making Jace laugh and run from him, Alec immediately speeding up to catch him.

 


	27. Explosions

[December 16th - 18:08 - From: Alexander]

_On my way home x_

Magnus can't but stare at the message, especially the word 'home' and the kiss symbol. He couldn't help himself getting more and more antsy the longer he didn't hear from him but he was determined to wait and now a whole mountain fell off of him.

[December 16th - 18:10 - To: Alexander]

_Can't wait! Xx_

Oh, how true it is. No matter what, he will always be waiting, until the day... no, he cannot let himself go there, no way, it's suicide and he must stay strong and composed.

Just like he is now, almost tripping over his own feet, and he never trips, the second he hears the keys in the lock. His heart is pounding as his eyes are glued to the doorway where Alec has to appear any second... Magnus exhales, butterflies twirling in his stomach, making him feel slightly dizzy as his eyes take in his enticing Shadowhunter who is actually smiling at him. He feels as if he could spontaneously combust.

Instead, he smiles back, making a mental note to make him spend more time with Jace if this is how he returns, at the same time feeling like a failure for failing him himself, but there's no room for these thoughts or feelings now.

“I take it you had a good time?” He watches Alec thoroughly as he steps closer and pulls him into a hug, startling Magnus a little but he's instantly soaking up all that is his Alexander. He just couldn't... without him... no thinking!

“Yes, thanks, he made me all sweaty, though.” Alec smirks slightly into Magnus' shoulder before he pulls back.

Magnus quirks an eyebrow. “Sweaty how?”

Alec chuckles quietly. “He made me play a game of tag with him and though I'm faster, he can be as slippery as an eel.”

Sweaty, slippery. Magnus has to stop thinking in a direction this has absolutely nothing to do with.

Alec grins a little, knowingly. “I'll take a quick shower, then we should grab something to eat, I'm hungry.”

Magnus perks up at that, not having heard those words from Alec for a long while. Definitely more Jace time!

“Luckily for you I spent my afternoon in the kit...chen.” As he turns he sees Alec's jacket on the floor, followed by his top and vest and his broad nude back greeting him as Alec's pushing open the sliding doors of their bedroom.

“You did? You didn't have to... what did you make?” Magnus is raptured in the sight of Alec's now visible torso, not sure why he's having such strong reactions to his half naked boyfriend just now, well, he _knows_  why, but he seems barely in control of himself.

“Magnus? My eyes are up here.” Alec suppresses a smirk and gives him a strict look instead, laughing inwardly at the way Magnus snaps out of it, his eyes shooting upwards.

“Oh, right, I cooked that potato gratin with sweet chestnuts you liked.”

Alec's eyes light up, a smile playing around his lips. “Really? Wow, I'll be sure to be very quick then!” He grins and slides the doors shut behind him, enjoying the regretful expression on Magnus' face a little too much.

To occupy himself he sets the table, feeling so grateful they're able to be like this again. If this is all Jace's doing, he should have a word with him to ensure he'll keep doing it.

Magnus knows, of course, that a bit of lightheartedness isn't going to magically make everything good. There are obstacles between them they'll have to face again soon, but hopefully this means that they will do it together, that Alec won't suddenly decide he needs Magnus gone after all, and that they'll come out of this stronger again. He can only hope and do his best.

Alec's firmly holding onto his afternoon with Jace, knowing how frail and rare these moments are in which he almost feels like himself again, when he manages to shut out all that darkness that's always looming within him.

He dresses quickly, not bothering with his hair or anything else and joins Magnus in the kitchen where he set the small table for two.

“It smells really good, thanks.” He smiles and sits down, emptying the glass of water Magnus poured for him, next to a glass of red wine.

They eat and drink in rather comfortable silence, an old record player providing soft background music.

“Have you heard from Raphael?” Alec inquires as they clear the table together.

“Yes, Simon said he's bickering like an old lady, so he'll be fine.” Alec grins a little and nods, glad to hear it.

“And Ragnor and Catarina?”

“I haven't heard from Ragnor, yet, but he needs time away from everyone in such situations, and Catarina said she's fine, still looking.” Magnus isn't sure why but he's got a distinct feeling that nothing they can do will help in destroying the sphere.

Alec nods while washing up the last piece of cutlery and handing it over for Magnus to dry. When they're done they settle down on the couch, putting on a movie neither of them really pays attention to.

Alec's fixed on how odd and wrong it is that they're both sitting here, not a single part of them touching, which simply never happens. Even at the start of their relationship, they were craving closeness, subtly leaning shoulders or elbows or knees together, once Alec's hand crept closer to Magnus' splayed on the couch surface until their pinky fingers were touching, and even that tiny gesture felt a million times more right and closer than this.

“I don't want or need you to go away... if you're still wondering.” Alec's biting his cheek, tilting his head to take a glance at his boyfriend.

Magnus' eyebrows shoot up in surprise as his eyes lock with Alec's. Relief is flooding him like waves. “I'm very glad to hear that, but in case-”

“No, we can't be apart, not now, I don't ever want that, I need... us to be okay. If nothing else, at least you and I.” For this moment, and tomorrow, and as long as somehow possible. That's what he truly needs. He suddenly understands that he's not really scared of dying, it's the not knowing what will happen to Magnus afterwards that's knotting his insides together. Never knowing how he is, what his life will be like, whether he'll find happiness again, and he wants that for him so much. That's what's splitting his heart.

Magnus doesn't find words so he simply nods, both unable to do anything but stare. Alec wants to tell him how beautiful he is to him and how much he means, and every tiny thing he's ever done for him, but he doesn't know what to say, believing there simply are no words for some things, and his actions have always spoken louder anyway.

He moves and pulls Magnus into him, their kiss from the moment their lips touch passionate and Magnus moves quickly onto Alec's lap, their hands in each other's hair, but Alec's not quite satisfied with that, closes his arms around Magnus' back and takes him down onto the couch with him on top. He's slowly removing every item of Magnus' clothing, while showering every part of newly revealed skin with kisses, little licks and soft bites, wanting Magnus to get to that state when he's completely mindless and feels nothing but bliss.

After reaching that goal, he's watching and holding Magnus through the time he needs to come down from his height. When Magnus opens his eyes again, and he's met by the most wondrous play of colors in Alec's deep orbs, he's consumed by the need to tell him how he's everything to him, but any version of 'I love you' doesn't even begin to describe it, and he's sure words for their kind of bond have not yet been created.

He reaches a hand up to brush his fingertips over Alec's red, slightly swollen lips, and without wanting to he's pulled into the sphere's vision, his memories of it as visually perfect as the moment it happened.

“Magnus?” Alec's voice is frightened as he observes the way Magnus' eyes are pressed shut, clearly holding his breath, his face contorted as if he were in agonizing pain.

It's hard but Magnus succeeds in ousting the vision finally, gasping for breath, caressing Alec's troubled face and then he sits up and grabs Alec's hand, removing them both from the couch, taking him to the bedroom.

Alec's attempt to speak is squashed by Magnus' lips crushing on his, his clothes suddenly gone, and he tumbles onto the soft bed and Magnus gets busy immediately, taking refuge in deluging Alec's body with the same care and attention he gave him before.

* * *

Satin sheets are tickling his bare skin as he rolls onto his stomach.

His eyes are closed.

Soft, hot lips are trailing over his neck, along his spine and further.

Sensual hands are fondling his burning skin, caressing callous scars and runes, tugging gently at his body hair.

His hands are in the sheets, holding on as his body arches upwards into the loving, arousing sensations, setting his whole being on fire, one igniting touch at a time.

Hot, short breaths. Faint moans.

Hands on his hips, running possessively up his sides, chest and stomach.

A zealous, wet tongue, a purposeful, gifted mouth, torturously sucking his pulse point under the rune on his neck.

Quickened breaths, perspiring skin, uncontrolled moaning.

Delicate fingers moving inside him.

A smooth body, delicious weight on his back, against his thighs.

Strong, gentle arms holding him.

His upper body curving in lust filled delight, being filled.

Heated droplets running along his face, flooding his scorching skin, melting with the body engulfing him, moving as one.

His hands gripping a pillow, steadying his wild passion.

Strangled groans, blissful cries, tiny whimpers.

Adoring whispers, yearning moans in his ear.

His knuckles cramped and white.

Relentless teeth in his neck.

His body drenched, convulsing, trembling in ecstasy.

Explosions rippling his insides, frenzied waves crashing over him.

Fervent cries of release in his ears, consuming his mind.

Two bodies, collapsing, glued together.

Two heartbeats slowly tiring.

* * *

Alec's caressing Magnus' arm snaked around his chest absentmindedly as he's still blissed out from their eminent love-making.

He frowns as he suddenly spots specs of white fluff, and it's taking him a moment to piece it together. “I think I ripped my pillow.”

“I will certainly take that as a compliment, Alexander.” Magnus' purred breath against his neck is sending a flood of shivers down his body.

Eventually he loosens his back from Magnus' front to turn and look at him, the sight of him knocking his breath away.

He's never seen something so enticingly wondrous, raw and innocent, violative and entrancing.

He's tracing every inch of Magnus' face with his fingers, his eyes following in sheer fascination.

He's drowned in a waterfall of frozenness when their gazes connect, an unspeakable mournfulness hitting him, reflected in the most wonderful, yet saddest eyes he's ever seen.

There's only silence. Only tragedy. A resigning understanding of insuperability.

Magnus settles down on Alec's chest, Alec's arms closing protectively around him.

There's an insurmountable heaviness smothering their souls they shouldn't ever have to endure.

 

Lacking his stamina rune paired with a constant state of mental and physical exhaustion, Alec drops off like a stone, and Magnus wanting nothing more than to escape these oppressive emotions follows him soon after, neither of them hearing the sound of a cell phone ringing.

 

“ _It's playtime, c'mon!”_

_Alec feels beyond drained even in his dream by now. He doesn't know how to keep arguing with his other self and how to fight it. He just wants peace but he's not going to get it, and he's so out of it that he can't wake himself up, either._

_He's resigning, curling up on the floor and pressing his eyes shut, wishing he would just be left alone._

“ _Ohhhh Aaaaaleeeec.” His own voice is taunting him in a melodic, amused singsong._

“ _Leave me alone!” He's trying to hide further within himself, but his voice is inside his head now. “Come out and play!”_

_He's hauled upwards forcefully, suddenly standing in front of Jace, a knife in his hand. NOT AGAIN!_

“ _WHY? Why do you want me to keep killing my brother?!” He's looking around frantically, but he can't see his dream self now._

“ _Why do YOU? Remember this is your dream, your own doing, your own hand holding that knife, and your own wish to kill him.”_

“ _NO! That's not true and you know it! I would never ever kill anyone I love! I couldn't ever do that! So, just STOP!”_

_He throws the knife away just to find it back in his hand. He repeats it several times but it's still there, his fingers curled around the handle. He's despairing, screaming until the wicked laughter he can hear silences him._

“ _The sooner you accept this part of yourself, the easier you will sleep at night. You already know the truth, Alec, you just have to get rid of these misconceived notions that this is wrong and give into your desires. Trust me, you'll feel so good. You do remember what it feels like, don't you? Of course, you do. It's liberating. You feel like you can do anything, like the king of the world, isn't that the saying? Go on, just do it. Just this once.”_

_Alec's desperate, his own voice driving him to the brink of insanity, and for a moment he's really considering... his own thoughts leave him shell-shocked and unable to move. It's only a dream! But he can't do it, not in his mind, not in a dream, never._

“ _Stop fighting, Alexander, and embrace it, embrace me, yourself, the whole of you, you'll never have to fight again, never suffer again. Just do it, just- What the hell are you doing?!”_

_Alec can't bear it anymore, he's losing his mind, losing himself, and he'd rather die than kill Jace, or anyone else. Only a dream. He turns the knife and plunges it into himself, straight through his heart._

  

Magnus is brutally woken as Alec's body leaps upwards with a scream, throwing Magnus off and almost out of their bed. He's numb with the shock but only for a moment before his mind catches up with what's happening and he quickly magicks the light on and moves to sit in front of Alec, talking to him soothingly, scared out of his mind for his love and the horror he must have dreamt again.

Alec's clutching his chest, where his heart drums manically, but there's no knife, no blood, nothing. Just a dream! He breathes out in utmost relief and runs a shaky hand through his hair. Just a dream... but why is he torturing himself so much...?

He blinks and meets Magnus' alarmed eyes, instantly squashed with guilt.

“I'm alright, sorry.” He glances down sheepishly.

“Don't, you know you can't help it.” Magnus retorts softly, cradling Alec's cheek, tenderly rubbing his thumb over the incipient stubble.

Alec swallows and licks his lips, tasting sweat. “I should clean up.”

Magnus removes his hand hesitantly and watches Alec get out of bed, hurrying to the bathroom.

He sighs arduously and quickly magicks the sheets clean again, wondering for the 100th time what he could do for his boyfriend to make it more bearable. He's still reluctant to suggest taking away some of the bad memories, and he's not even sure whether that would ease his nightmares at all. The mind, especially a broken one, is such a fragile thing to handle, and unpredictable.

His thoughts are interrupted by the ringtone of his cell, letting him know Catarina's calling. He looks to the bathroom door one more time before he heads into the living-room to retrieve his phone, answers it and moves back to the bedroom already.

“Hello, darling.”

“Magnus! We're-” His senses are instantly on alert.

“Magnus, what a pleasure to finally speak to you, do you always let your friends wait so long?” Rayna! Her voice is spitting poison.

“What have you done?” His nerves are frazzling him.

“I told you, you should have given me my sphere. I got your two friends here, unfortunately they're both drained of their magic, so no more use to me, but I'm sure you'll suffice. Bring me to my sphere and I'll keep them alive, if not...”

Alec washed up quickly and is heading back to their bedroom when he freezes, seeing the ashen look on Magnus' face.

“Don't do this, don't hurt them or I will-” He knows he's got no choice.

“Don't threaten me, Magnus, especially not when we both know I have the upper hand here. Now, what shall it be? I only need one of them as leverage.” He can hear Ragnor and Catarina screaming and it's ripping him apart.

“No! Don't hurt either of them or I won't tell you a thing!” Alec's right by his side, shocked at what he's hearing, something telling him this is about Rayna, hoping he's wrong, but when Magnus gives away the location close to the sphere, he knows and his heart sinks.

“Rayna's got Catarina and Ragnor and she'll kill them if I don't give it to her.” Alec's heartbroken from Magnus' torn up expression.

“It's okay, we have to.” They can't let them die for this, no matter what could happen after...

Magnus waves his hand and they're dressed. Alec's glad he doesn't have to argue to come with him this time and quickly grabs his bow and quiver, maybe he can help somehow.

“No, leave them, we can't risk her getting mad, she's out of control, the sphere is possessing her.” And maybe, just maybe, that's their one small chance.

Alec nods and leaves them as they step through the portal and find themselves in the building back in Rome where Catarina showed them to the well.

  

Rayna's got Ragnor and Catarina trapped in her toxic magic, they're unable to move on their own. Magnus feels lethal rage but he knows he has to stay calm and wait for an opening.

He sends Alec in first so he can stay between him and Rayna, not able to do anything for his two friends just now and they descend the way down to the well.

On arrival, he gestures Alec to stay away from her, adamant to make enough time to ensure his safety.

He moves his hands above the hole, bringing up the silver box, feeling himself respond to the sphere's call.

“It's intoxicating, isn't it?” Rayna's stepped next to him, her eyes flashing, craving the sphere's proximity like nothing else. Her magic is flaring up, moving all around her as the sphere floats from the box and Magnus forces himself to take a step back, sharing a look with Alec before glancing at the other two.

He moves his head slightly to indicate for Alec to carefully move closer to their friends. Alec gives a curt nod and moves quietly along the wall until he reaches them, still trapped in Rayna's magic.

“Rayna, if you give into it now, you can never come back from it, you will perish.” Magnus is sure about this, if he or Ragnor had given into the temptation they wouldn't be alive now.

Wicked laughter reaches them as Rayna reaches out for the sphere. “I will be the mightiest warlock to ever exist, nothing will destroy me!”

He hadn't truly believed that reasoning with her would work, but she's clearly distracted, just not enough yet to let his friends go.

He's got one thing left he can try, but he's rather afraid of the outcome. If it gets Alec, Ragnor and Catarina to safety, it will be worth it, though.

He moves quickly, draws a small pocket knife, cuts the whole underside of his front arm and reaches out to the sphere, as well.

Alec gasps in shock, about to rush towards him, but Magnus uses his other hand to hold him back, mouthing 'Get them out!'

Rayna wails. “What are you doing?! It's mine! You can never possess it!” Just as Magnus hoped, she's pulling her magic away from his friends, directing it at himself, fighting him for the sphere that moved closer to him, wanting his blood.

Alec quickly checks on their two friends and ushers them out, not wanting to leave Magnus for anything, but they need his help, hardly having enough strength to make it upstairs.

When Magnus spots the three disappearing he is close to losing himself to the sphere's pull, also having to fight Rayna's magic, and with his last willpower he manages to tear himself away, quickly gathers enough magic to blow the sphere away from him, straight into a fuming Rayna, who's fully consumed by its power now, and makes for the escape route himself without looking back.

The three fall to the ground the moment they reach safety outside, but Alec's only got one focus left, get Magnus out! He dashes back inside and is blown off his feet as the whole building suddenly collapses, huge clouds of dust and rubble raining down on them, threatening to suffocate them.

Alec can't see or breathe properly and there's definitely a rib or two broken, and several other parts hurting but he forces himself into a sitting position, trying to figure out where the others are. And where's Magnus?!

There's so much dust in his lungs he can't shout, let alone speak, and he can't see a damn thing, either, and the fright of what may have happened to Magnus is driving him into a state of panic he's desperately fighting.

Just when he thinks he might never get any clean air into airways, the dust around him swishes away, then out of his eyes and lungs and he can see where Ragnor and Catarina are lying on the ground, also freed from it. As he looks up, Magnus' glowing eyes are piercing his and he's never been more happy to see him.

Magnus hurries to his two friends when he's sure Alec's out of danger and checks on them. They're weak and have a few cuts from the flying rubble, but are unharmed otherwise, luckily having already been on the ground when the explosion hit.

Alec's holding his side with his broken ribs, now noticing the way his foot his angled oddly, as well. Breathing is still rather strained but still much better than before.

Magnus dashes back to him when the other two assure him that they're okay for now.

The guilt he feels is overpowering him, if he'd known Alec would get hurt he would never have allowed him to come, but he knew he'd need his help, and they had to be fast.

“Magnus, I'm okay! I've had much worse! I'll be fine!” Alec speaks loudly to get through to his panicked boyfriend, putting a hand under his chin to force him to look at him. “I'll be fine! We're all fine! Okay?”

Magnus pushes the liquid in his eyes back and nods, kicking himself into action, starting to heal Alec's ribs.

“Where's Rayna? What happened?”

“She's gone.” He knew the moment he stopped feeling her distinct magic. He's not sure whether it was enough to destroy the sphere, though, but right now he's just fucking glad they all made it out alive.

They're all silent, waiting for Alec to be healed as much as possible. Magnus doesn't have the magic left to heal him fully, but he's fine to walk again, almost feeling no more pain.

“Thanks.” Magnus shakes his head, still blaming himself, looking back at Alec when he takes his hand and pulls him closer. “Magnus, you could have been killed, too, couldn't you?”

Magnus startles at the question, not really able to read Alec's face. He sighs softly. “I anticipated my plan to work, and it did, granted it mostly consisted of guesswork and my excellent intuition.”

Alec frowns at the evasion. “I get it, Magnus, I hate for you to risk your own life, but I understand, I would have done the same.” He could be furious, upset like hell, shout at him and make him promise to never do something like this ever again... but... Alec truly gets it and he can't demand of Magnus something he himself couldn't promise to desist from doing.

His recent nightmare comes back to him, and he knows that if it came down to it in real life, he would rather kill himself than anyone he loves, and he would give his life for his friends and siblings and Magnus in the blink of an eye. And Magnus is the same, and that's just the way they are. He can't be mad at that. He can wish for it to be different, but he can't change it. He has to be happy Magnus came out of it alive, and that at least Rayna will pose no more threat to anyone.

Magnus seems rather stunned and Alec smiles a little before placing a kiss onto his lips, then he heads over to where Ragnor and Catarina are leaning against each other and a wall that's still standing.

“Hey, are you okay?” Ragnor nods. Catarina smiles. “Thanks for saving our lives, Alec.”

Alec shakes his head. “Just returning the favor.” He'll never forget all those two have done for him, facing their own deaths.

Magnus crouches down next to Ragnor, cupping his cheek, locking their eyes. “It's over, my friend.”

“Is it gone?” Ragnor asks quietly, hope as well as regret showing in his bright eyes.

“I'm not sure, but I can't feel it anymore.” Magnus responds. Ragnor nods after a moment. It's definitely better this way. Both feel relieved that the lethal temptation disappeared, but they will also forever feel a longing for something that could never be.

They leave the place, making sure Catarina and Ragnor are taken care of before heading back to the loft where Magnus insists on Alec drinking a healing potion to fully mend his body.

Alec also needs to reassure Jace who's been texting and calling since he'd felt Alec's nightmare and worked himself into quite a state not having heard something for such a long time, and is furious with them when he learns about them taking on Rayna on their own but Alec manages to calm him down eventually. No doubt they'll hear more from the others about it, but for now they're done for the day. And what an insane one it's been.

They take a shower and get comfortable on the couch, neither wanting to sleep. Alec makes sure that this time Magnus is sprawled on top of him, so he can wrap his whole body around him and just feel him close, knowing in this moment he's safe and hopefully feeling protected and loved, and Alec vows to himself that he will do his best to make Magnus feel this way every day he's granted to be with him. As Izzy said, that's all he can do.

 


	28. What's Wrong Now?

His dream self is absolutely relentless in taunting him, laying into him harshly and torturously, bringing up every insecurity, every fear, every mistake, finding a flaw in everything Alec thought was good and decent about him and his life, reducing him to a self-doubting, self-conscious, self-loathing mess before he manages to snap out of it.

He sits up, disorientated for a moment, finding himself alone on the couch in his home. A sound to his left, and he spots Magnus emerging from the bedroom.

“Why'd you let me fall asleep?” His voice is thick and grouchy, his eyes accusing.

Magnus halts midstep and blinks confused. “I was only gone for ten minutes.”

Ten minutes? Sure! All that shit happened in ten fucking minutes! He can hear his other self laughing gleefully. He needs to get him out of his head!

Alec sighs and rubs his face, he's got such a headache, a seething soreness starting between his shoulder blades, running all the way up to his scalp and behind his eyeballs. He closes his eyes and massages his temples while carefully stretching his neck, wincing at the surges of pain.

“Can I do anything to-” Magnus is interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. He curses under his breath and heads to open it quickly.

Alec drops his hands in alert, hearing two familiar voices he doesn't want to hear right now, doesn't want to see their owners, but why should they care? Man, he's really pissy this morning. He stands and tries to ignore the ache which is impossible.

Magnus returns with Jace and Izzy and though Alec can see they're trying not to look too concerned or reproachful, he knows them too damn well. He had kind of forgotten about the whole Rayna fiasco, but it's all back now, he really isn't granted any kind of break from anything! His arms are already crossed, his whole body tense, the headache making him look even more bleak.

“Wow, you look ready to kill someone.” Izzy remarks, feeling puzzled at how defensive and gloomy her brother seems.

Alec feels like tripping, a shockwave flooding him, his eyes growing wide. “W- what? I do not!” He tenses up even more defiantly, feeling icy sweat gathering on his spine and the small of his back, unable to look at them properly, images of murdering them invading his mind.

He forces himself out of it. “What do you expect? Coming here at,” he quickly glances at the clock, “seven in the morning to tell us how stupid and reckless we were and that you don't approve? I already know that, so is there anything of importance you have to say?”

Jace is frowning deeply, getting very off vibes from Alec through their bond, even stranger than before. “Alec, calm down, we're just concerned, wouldn't you be if Izzy and I had just gone to fight some evil warlock on our own?” He takes a step towards his Parabatai but the aura of rejection he exudes his holding him off, it's like an invisible wall between them.

Alec would roll his eyes if he didn't risk hurting more. “Just spare me, Jace, you've done more than enough reckless shit in your life, and you should rather be grateful that she's gone, it's not like we have too few enemies to worry about! And now excuse me, I need to pee!”

He needs to get away from them and get a grip on himself, but he can't do that with this fucking pain!

Jace shares a puzzled look with Izzy and turns to Magnus. “What the hell?”

Magnus has been watching Alec closely and can only think that maybe another nightmare... but Alec really was hardly asleep and he was never like this before. He doesn't know how to explain it and then they hear a loud, shattering noise and hurry to the bathroom.

Alec tries to loosen up his muscles again but it's just getting worse and he curses and grabs onto the sink, bending his upper body, closing his eyes, feeling such anger and frustration he could explode. And he kind of does, jumping back a little, staring at the broken sink on the floor in sheer bewilderment. Did he just do that?

“Alec!” They're right next to him now, staring at the sink, at him and he feels a pang of guilt, and more defensiveness, and even more frustration.

“Wasn't on purpose. You can just... you know.” He waves his hand clumsily at Magnus, indicating for him to use his magic to fix it and quickly leaves the room.

All three of them stare after him, a flabbergasted expression on their faces. Magnus does fix the sink, and the pillow Alec ripped just last night as he spots it, which seems to Magnus like half an eternity ago now, and they find Alec in the kitchen, downing a glass of water with a few painkillers.

He groans inwardly when he notices them, wishing they would just get the message and leave him in peace until he managed to calm himself down. He doesn't want to be a bastard, but right now he really can't help it.

“Do you have a headache?” Izzy asks the rather obvious question, at least to Magnus, but then he saw the signs just before they arrived.

Alec grunts and stretches his neck again, wincing.

“You know I have potions for that.” Magnus offers softly, not sure why Alec hasn't gotten one himself, he knows what to look for by now.

“Yeah, I do, but I just took pills, just give them a chance to work.” He really didn't mean to snap, really not!

Izzy sees how Magnus' jaw tightens and would normally have had a proper word with her big brother about his unfair behavior, but nothing about their situation is normal these days, and they all know that Alec must be hurting in ways they can't even imagine.

“Well, we'll head back to the hotel then, so you can get some rest.” She concedes and gently pushes Jace into the direction of the door.

“First good thing I heard today.” They hear Alec mutter under his breath and Jace is about to turn back but she quickly grabs his arm and shakes her head, locking eyes with him.

Jace gets they can't talk to him reasonably right now, but he feels on edge about this strangeness he keeps getting from Alec and it's making him fearful and restless, but hopefully once Alec's feeling better they can talk.

Magnus sees them off, assuring them he'll take care of Alec, coming off way more confident than he really feels, and heads back to find Alec striding straight for his training room which Magnus set up for him after he had spent more and more time at the loft.

“Are you going to train now?” Magnus is truly puzzled at that, because that's the opposite of rest and surely not what Alec needs.

“Yes, I am, so if anyone else comes to pester me, just tell them to piss off, I'm busy!” With that he slams the door shut, making Magnus flinch and stare aghast.

Alec quickly puts on his training shoes, gets rid of his top and starts warming up but he's too wired to do it properly and starts punching the bag hard, without bothering to protect his hands.

He sees himself before him, punching harder every time, trying to pour out all that pent up rage, disappointment, hatred, frustration, fear and pain, all his doubts and insecurities.

He doesn't notice how his skin breaks, how blood wells up and spreads over his hands, leaving smudges on the bag with every punch. He's just hitting himself over and over and over until he's sodden in sweat, gasping for air, his whole body shaking madly and he can't keep on his feet, ending on his back on the floor, his head thudding like a relentless drum. He'd like everything to just end now.

  

Magnus wants to go in there and stop him every minute he's waiting but he knows it would end in another confrontation and there's so much at risk, and maybe Alec just needs some space, and maybe he's just back to being a coward.

He cleans the loft to have something to do, then calls Catarina to inquire about her and Ragnor who's staying at her place for now, checks in with Luke and Raphael, and then he's just walking up and down in front of the training room, debating what to do, whether to do anything at all. And then he can't wait any more and opens a window to see inside and all he sees is the blood on Alec's hands and forearms and he dashes inside, feeling horrified. Why did he wait so long?!

“Alexander, are you okay? What happened?” He's crouching at Alec's side, taking down his hands to better see. Alec had his arms crossed over his face and is now opening his eyes, blinking in confusion. Magnus? What? He sits up and stares at his bloodied hands. He hadn't noticed at all.

“I was just... training...” He doesn't feel all that anger and hatred anymore, even the pain in his shoulders and head subsided mostly. But not that wrongness, that alienness deep within himself he can't give a name to.

“Just, let me heal your hands, okay?” Magnus seeks out Alec's eyes for permission, intuitively knowing he's not riled up like before but he still has to make sure.

Alec nods and Magnus snaps his magic to life immediately, watching Alec as he's watching the blue energy repairing his skin and wiping away all the dried blood. His hands look like new as he flexes his fingers.

“Thank you.” He keeps staring at his hands.

Magnus keeps watching him, wishing nothing more than to be able to look inside him to finally understand what's going on with him. Slowly he moves his right hand, placing it in one of Alec's, making him finally look up.

He smiles softly to conceal his inner turmoil and to make sure Alec knows he's not mad or overtly worried which could set him off again. The look in his eyes and on his face is making him appear so young and fragile, Magnus has to catch his breath and when Alec drops to his side, to fall against Magnus, he exhales audibly and quickly wraps his arms around his Shadowhunter.  _What's happening to you, love? What can I do?_

Alec agrees to have a bath with Magnus who is adamant to help his boyfriend relax and maybe make him share a little bit of what's troubling him, feeling troubled himself at Alec's seemingly oblivious drive to hurt himself.

He's using all special ingredients and Alec's favorite smells, and a river of candles, before letting his magic free to add special alleviation powers to the water.

Alec seems to just feel subdued now but he hardly cares anymore. He sheds all of his remaining clothes when Magnus calls out for him and walks to the bathroom. The sight and smell that hits him is astonishing and coaxes him into giving a small, appreciative smile which makes Magnus' insides flutter.

He quickly steps into the tub and holds out his hand for Alexander who complies immediately and once he's seated in the deliciously scented, perfectly heated water, he moves back into Magnus' welcoming arms that lock around his torso, and when Alec feels soft lips on his neck he shuts his eyes and finally begins to slacken his knotted muscles.

Magnus is working his hands to smoothen out as many of Alec's strained muscles as he can in this position, mainly on his neck and his head, but he's already got a plan for later. Meanwhile Alec feels reduced to a molten puddle, not minding one bit.

But his mind never shuts up for long and though he'd love to, he can't forget how he behaved earlier, there really isn't any excuse.

“I'm sorry for acting like an asshole, and worrying y- ohh...” Magnus' tongue is suddenly back on his neck, licking his – their – favorite rune, charming a moan from Alec.

Magnus grins fleetingly, his hands grazing through Alec's chest hair. “You're entitled to act like one at times, we all do. Would you like to share what infuriated you?” Magnus' voice is all breath, not letting off of his mission to relax Alec as much as possible, splaying one hand over his belly, casually dipping a finger into Alec's navel, drawing lazy circles, while continuing a loving onslaught on his neck with his mouth, disguising his inner trepidation.

Alec knows, would Magnus not be holding him, and the tub be any deeper, he'd be drowning by now. His skin is all tingles and prickles and he's sure Magnus must know how aroused he is, barely suppressing his throaty moans.

The question does sober him up a little, though. But he knows he can't tell him the truth, not the whole truth anyway.

“Just this freaking headache from hell, it was really bad.” Not a lie, and surely reason enough to be a little – okay, very damn grumpy. He'll have to apologize to Izzy and Jace anyway.

But right now he doesn't want to think of them, or anything else but Magnus' tongue and teeth on his neck and those goddamn skillful hands that are doing the opposite of calming him down.

He's arching his head back further, taking matters into his own hands and guiding one of Magnus' further downwards to where he needs it.

Magnus is but a little disappointed because he knows there's more to it but pressuring Alec would get him nowhere and he's already gone too far with his ministrations, feeling how his own body responds to having Alec so close and so willing and he grins against his neck as he's yielding to his lover's request, internalizing even the tiniest sound his touches are inducing from Alec.

  

Alec's too relaxed now, and Magnus' hands washing his hair, massaging his head could easily lull him to sleep, but that's where he has to draw the line.

“We should get out before it's too hard to.” He mumbles and forces his eyes open but really feels like he never wants to leave this tub again.

“Mmmm, and here I thought we like things that are too hard.” Having finished rinsing Alec's hair his hands drop back to his stomach, softly stroking.

Alec snorts amusedly, a shudder spreading over his skin. “If you don't stop,  _something_ will definitely become too hard, again.” He smirks feeling Magnus chuckle against his shoulder.

“You won't convince me that that would be a bad thing, Alexander.” He snakes his arms around him and squeezes him gently.

Alec sighs with ease, a soft smile on his lips, but they've already been in here for a long time and his skin is wizened pretty much everywhere.

“Alright, let's take this to the bedroom.” Magnus releases him and gives him a little push, then watches as Alec rises out of the water and steps out of the tub, Magnus quickly following. They dry each other, sharing fond kisses before Magnus takes Alec's hand and leads him to the bedroom.

“Lie down on your front, please.” Time for part two.

Alec raises an eyebrow at him, glancing at the bed. “Is this where you make me rip another pillow?” Magnus' little laugh makes him smirk proudly.

“Oh, you can be sure we will repeat you ripping pillows, but right now,” he snaps his fingers and holds a bottle of oil in his hand, “let me give you a massage to make sure there isn't any hardness left - in your muscles.” His eyes are twinkling with mischief and Alec chuckles, shaking his head at his sassy, sexy, innuendo-loving, magical boyfriend.

“I'm fine,” he spots a flicker of insecurity in Magnus' eyes, “but yeah, sure.” He smiles softly, glad the flicker's gone and lies down, grabbing a pillow to support his head.

Magnus immediately moves onto the bed next to him, pours some oil on his hand, magicks the bottle away again and rubs his hands together before placing them on Alec's shoulders. He spends the next many minutes kneading and rubbing Alec's skin and muscles from head to toe, literally, and only leaving out Alec's butt, to Alec's disappointment.

Magnus' hands really are magical miracles, even without the actual magic, and Alec's never felt this relaxed, at least not in the longest of times. He's having difficulties staying alert, but out of all the challenges he's been facing, he definitely prefers this one, focusing on everything Magnus is doing and his soft breathing that's one of Alec's favorite sounds, topped by Magnus' humming, purring and moaning.

But Alec shouldn't think of – too late. He can feel how his body's commencing becoming alive and excited, and when Magnus' hand strokes the back of his knee, a particularly tender part of his skin, not least because an arrow grazed him there as a teenager, a husky moan is conjured from his mouth.

“Maybe... uh... we should get on with the ripping pillows part...?” He moans again when Magnus rubs over the same spot, his knee jerking.

Magnus is tremendously enjoying Alec's reaction to it, wondering how he never quite realized this before. But he loves learning new things about Alec, and his boyfriend gives him plenty to find out.

“If that is your wish – Alexander.” Magnus is suddenly right above him, purring his name into his ear in the way that instantly transforms Alec into a needy mess and when he turns his head Magnus finds his mouth in a simmering kiss.

A minute later Alec pulls away. “Was that the door?”

Magnus sighs and moves up. “I'm afraid so.” He gets off the bed and grabs a robe to pull on. “You wait here, I will get rid of the intruder.”

Alec smiles a little and turns on his back, relaxing into his pillow, waiting. Magnus is back within seconds, an odd expression on his face and when he spots Alec in all his glory he feels jolts of regret, but he will have to wait. Alec pushes himself up onto his elbows, watching Magnus expectantly.

“It's... your father.” Magnus reveals hesitantly.

Alec gapes at him, every sensation of excitement leaving his body immediately, and a nerve-wrecking queasiness takes its place.

He sits up and rubs his face, suddenly spotting how short the robe on Magnus is. “And you opened the door to my father wearing that.” Despite the weirdness, Alec can see the funny part in it.

“Well, yes, and not for the first time.” Magnus deadpans, amusement in his eyes.

Alec squints his left eye. “Really? You'll have to tell me all about that... later.” Shit! He gets off the bed and gets some fresh clothes and heads to the bathroom to make sure he doesn't look as if he was about to be devoured just a couple minutes ago.

Magnus is nervous for him, but Robert is much more pleasant to get along with than his wife, and if Maryse had been standing in front their door, he probably would have sent her to hell – real hell.

When Alec emerges he looks jittery and Magnus gives him a hopefully reassuring kiss. “I'll be right here if you need me, okay?”

Alec takes a deep breath, nods and leaves the bedroom to face his father.

  

Robert's standing in the living-room, turning towards the door as it's being opened. Alec's heart misses a beat at the sight of his father, for a split second seeing the utmost disbelief and horror on his face he had shown when Alec pushed him off the cliff in his nightmare. He blinks and it's gone.

“Hello, Alec.” He can tell his father wants to come closer, maybe hug him, but he's hesitant and so is Alec.

“Hello, dad.” He hasn't said those words in a long time and they feel foreign to him.

They're both stepping a little closer, unsure of each other and finally Robert takes courage and squeezes Alec's arm before leaning up to quickly hug him, cradling his neck for a moment. “I'm so glad you're back, son.”

He pulls back and they sit down on the couch, still feeling the awkwardness between them.

“I... sorry I missed you at the institute, I didn't exactly announce my coming and I just had to... get that thing over with, with mother.” Alec's eyes are flicking about, his fingers rubbing together.

“Don't worry about that, I know you've had a lot to deal with and I'm sorry it's not over, yet. I take it you've seen the Silent Brothers?”

Alec nods. “Yeah, just the other day, Brother Enoch, he was nice, and I guess we don't have anything to fear, you know, none of us were conspiring with The Clave or anything.” He hadn't known he would say that, implying that maybe he or his mother did do just that.

He can tell he hit a nerve from the pained expression crossing his father's face, and he feels a little guilty, but also, shamefully so, a little satisfied.

“Your mother and I haven't been conspiring with The Clave, or Alistair, you have to believe that, Alec. I also had no knowledge of your mother's plan concerning that message to give yourself up. She's made some very rash decisions on her own, but there's nothing I can do about it now, I'm just really sorry it came this far. We've been relieved of our duties to run the institute pending the investigation.”

Alec swallows, but he's not sure whether he's sorry to hear it. “I guess, there's a lot to sort out before anything can get back to how it was, if at all. And with Alistair and The Cup still out there...”

Robert nods gravely. “I have a feeling no matter how this will end, the way this world is run will take a big turn, and we'll have to adjust and make the best of it.”

Alec observes his father for a quiet moment. “And you think mother will just adjust to that?”

“She won't have much of a choice.”

Alec snorts bitterly. “Yeah, well, she just knows how to make people believe one thing and go and do the exact opposite behind their backs.”

“Alec-”

“No, seriously. I don't know why you're here exactly, but if it's to do her bidding you can just leave again, I told her what I think of her and that hasn't changed and I also meant when I said that I won't forgive her, I can't.” He can feel how vexed he's getting again but there's not much he can do about it.

“Alec, I didn't come because of her, I came for you, because I had to see for myself that you were alright.”

Alec gets up and stretches out his arms to his sides, facing his father. “Well, you can see I'm just fine, no thanks to her, or you.”

A deep hurt and regret is flashing in his father's eyes and Alec does feel guiltier by the second but he also doesn't want to be the one to always hold back and give in. Not anymore.

Robert gets up and stands before his son. “I know that I've made countless mistakes, in raising the four of you, in teaching you what's truly important in life, and I've let you down many times, but I am hoping that it's not too late to redeem myself, Alec. I really want to work on mending that divide between us, with your help.”

Alec can clearly see how genuine his father is, and part of him really wants that, too, but another, stronger part of him doesn't trust him.

“Even if, mother will always try and come between us, between anyone she doesn't approve of and me, and I can't deal with her hate, prejudices and unfairness any longer.”

“Alec, I promise you this is just between the two of us, I won't let her interfere no matter what. I've been way too lenient with her all this time, I know that, but I won't let her come between me and you or you and Magnus, I've never been good at matters of the heart, and I should have tried harder for you and your siblings, but I'm prepared to do that work now, if you just give me a chance.” Everything about Robert is pleading him.

Alec's staring at his father for the longest moment, his features hardened. Inwardly he wants to shout that of course he'll give him a chance, because he's his dad, and nobody's perfect, least of all Alec himself, but there's something inside of him he can't overcome, can't cross, can't pierce through or climb. He's trapped.

He crosses his arms and shakes his head slowly. “No. You should leave.” He turns away from him, something shattering in both of them.

Robert leaves heartbroken, but even though, he's determined not to give up, he can't give up on his son, and he's scared for him, because knowing what he does and seeing Alec just now, there's something about his son that seems wrong, ominous, and he won't be a silent bystander any longer. He owes his children, especially Alec, so much more.

 

Magnus busied himself getting presentable and then, to stop himself from eavesdropping, rearranged the closet, in the end putting all of his stuff on the right and all of Alec's stuff, which is still considerable less, on the left, which simply is the other way around. His ears prick up when he hears the sound of the door shut.

He waits for a minute, and another, and another and then he can't anymore because surely Alec would be back by now... unless it went badly. He finds him on the balcony, leaning with his back against the balustrade, arms crossed, his face serious, almost concealing the misery he must be feeling.

“I take it, it didn't go that well.” Magnus approaches him slowly, gauging whether it's safe to.

Alec snorts softly and shrugs. “Not really, but let's not talk about it.” He knows that he's done wrong, even if he wants to believe otherwise, and Magnus would only manage to make him doubt his decision and probably convince him to give his father a chance after all, and he just can't have that.

“Are you sure, maybe-”

“Magnus, I'm sure, just... please, let's not. I should... just... I should go apologize to Izzy and Jace.” He absolutely doesn't want to face anyone now, he can bear Magnus, but anyone else... but he has to, it may make him feel a little less horrid, he knows they'll forgive him.

Magnus watches him concerned for a moment then gets an idea. “Why don't we invite them for lunch and you can talk then, and just spend time with everyone, I'm sure Max and the cats are missing you a lot.” He smiles fondly and Alec visibly relaxes at the mention of his little brother and his feline friends.

“Yeah, let's do that.” Alec's feeling pretty conciliatory again and Magnus' smile widens affectionately.

  

Alec texts Izzy to inform the lot and then texts Lydia to invite her as well, wanting to see her again, but she soon informs him that she's in Alicante at the moment, helping the Silent Brothers with their investigation. Alec has to smile, that's so Lydia. He texts her to come back ASAP and she promises to. Then he and Magnus get cooking, expecting their guests soon.

Alec goes to answer the door this time, getting almost knocked off his feet by Max and the cats jumping on him and not letting go of him for a long minute, and he squeezes his little brother and accepts half a dozen head-butts from the cats, getting a few cuddles in as well before they eventually let him off in search of Magnus. Alec's grinning after them but as he turns and Izzy and Jace are now before him, his face transforms into an expression of contrition.

Izzy hugs him quickly, not wanting to see her brother like that. “You're an idiot but I forgive you.” Alec smiles gratefully and squeezes her, then reaches a hand out to Jace, hoping for the same answer.

“You really are an idiot, Alec.” Jace grins and grabs his hand and pulls him into a hug as well.

“Yeah, I know, thanks.” Jace slaps the back of his head gently before he heads inside, leaving Alec with Clary and Simon.

They hug quickly and head to the living-room where the table is already set. Alec catches an odd look from Izzy but there's no time to ask her now. They spend an hour eating and catching up, and afterwards in the kitchen, he finds himself with Izzy alone for a minute and she's the one to speak first.

“I was kind of expecting dad to show up as well.” She glances at him carefully as he's drying a dish.

Alec immediately freezes, puts down the dish and towel and turns to her, regarding her stonily. “And why would you expect our father?”

“Because I know he was here, and I hoped you two would sort yourselves out.” Izzy is not going to back down and crosses her arms before her chest, mimicking her brother.

“So, you sent him!” His eyes are glowing scornfully.

“I didn't send him, he reached out to us and wanted to see you, I simply gave him a little push, he really wants to make amends, Alec, I don't understand why you can't give him a chance.” Their father has many flaws, but he's never been vicious like their mother, and he truly means to better himself, and she really doesn't get Alec.

“Great for him, Izzy, but I don't want anything to do with him.” Alec snaps and turns back to finish toweling the dishes, leaving his sister staring in bewilderment.

She takes his arm and makes him look at her. “What's wrong with you? That's so not like you!”

Alec pushes her off, glaring coldly. “There's nothing wrong with me, I'm just sick of all of you telling me what to do! It's not my fault he's been a shitty parent and has regrets now, he has to live with that, it's not on me to fix him. I don't need him or our mother in my life and I won't let you or anyone else patronize me!”

Izzy's gaping at him in shock. “I'm not patronizing you- Alec!”

He can't stand having to explain himself any longer and leaves fast for the living-room, running into Clary.

“Oh Alec, good, can you help me with-”

“Not now.” He waves her off and continues walking, she follows quickly, spotting Isabelle and her distraught appearance.

“Alec, what's wrong?”

They reached the living-room now and Alec feels trapped from all directions, whirling on Clary. “Nothing's wrong, just leave me alone, Clary!” He's filled with so much anger again, he could burst.

“Hey, stop talking to her like that! What the hell is wrong with you now?” Jace, who was just talking to Magnus and Max, rushed over when he saw what was happening and won't stand for Alec's behavior anymore, not when he's unfair to Clary, or anyone else for that matter, he wants answers now.

“Well, tell her to stop pestering me then!” Alec can hardly control himself now.

“Hey, I wasn't-” Clary's trying to defend herself, not getting what's suddenly gotten into her friend, but Alec's had enough and rushes into his bedroom.

“Just stay here, I'll talk to him.” Jace caresses her cheek softly for a moment then quickly follows Alec while everyone else watches anxiously, especially Max.

Jace pushes the doors shut and takes a few steps towards where Alec was pacing, now facing him, taking on his usual defensive stance.

“Alright, no more bullshit excuses, Alec, what's up with you?” Jace hopes to get through to him but the hard, contemptuous look in Alec's eyes lets him down quickly.

“I don't have to talk to you, Jace!” He doesn't want to talk to anyone, he doesn't even want to see anyone! Why can't they get that?!

“Yes, you do! I'm your brother, your Parabatai, and something is clearly very wrong with you, and we're all just trying to-”

“Help, yeah, I know, because poor Alec needs help because he can't get anything done on his own! It makes me sick! You all make me sick! And I don't have to justify myself! I don't have to do anything! Get that into your head and leave me the fuck alone! All of you!”

Even if Alec hadn't been shouting Max would have heard him as he decided to see for himself what was up with his big brother and slipped through the doors. Everyone heard Alec now and Max is shocked, and hurt and deeply upset and runs from the room before Alec can even react, his anger suddenly evaporated. Max! Oh no!

Max runs from the loft, the cats on his heels, Izzy, Simon and Clary following as well. Alec told them indirectly that he was sick of them and wanted rid of all of them, after all.

Alec feels as if he's drowning now, and he can't face Jace who's seething with anger, or Magnus who's watching him dismayed, and the only room he can flee to is the bathroom, which he locks before sinking down on the floor, burying his face in his hands.

 


	29. Starlight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first part of this chapter was written by me and my wonderful Parabeta AlyxHavok, I only edited bits to make it fit my vision better, but all credit to her!! <3
> 
> I'm sorry this is now winter and Christmas and all that when it's summer in most parts of the world... but just so happens... and maybe one day someone will read this in winter and then it will fit...

Alec feels as if he's yet in another nightmare, one he can't ever wake up from again. He doesn't understand it himself, this rage, this hatred, this hostility, when all there is underneath... he can't even think about it, or he can't guarantee what will happen to him. And he can hear himself laughing, taunting him.  _Just shut up! Shut up! Shutupshutupshutup!!!!_ He's pressing his fists into his eyes, biting his lip until he tastes copper and holds his breath until he feels like he's going to pass out if he doesn't breathe... a dry sob escapes his mouth, horses galloping in his chest, and all he tries to focus on is getting air into his lungs.

Magnus and Jace are outside the bathroom door, waiting, but Jace is incredibly impatient, worried and scared and he knocks loudly. “Alec? Alec! Come out, we need to talk! You can't stay in there forever!”

They wait another couple of minutes, but Jace gets even more agitated. “Alec, I swear I'm gonna break down this door if you don't come out in the next minute! I'm not joking!”

Magnus watches and listens quietly, not sure if Jace's approach is the right one. He could of course just unlock the door, but that would be a huge breach of trust he's not willing to take, not unless he has very good reason to. But Alec's silence is perturbing him more and more and images of finding him in the training room invade his mind, but that was different, and Alec would never...!

He shakes those awful thoughts away and puts a hand on Jace's shoulder. “Jace, I get you're upset, but I'm not sure that's the right way to get him to-”

The door unlocks and a moment later Alec steps out past them, his face masked, but his body screaming anguish.

Jace steps forward, aching so much for him, but he needs to stay determined and get to the truth.

“Alec, please, just talk to us! We're not your enemies.” He's trying to stay calm and considerate.

Alec fists his hands on his sides and slowly turns to face them, meeting his Parabatai's eyes, feeling like breaking apart, and to avoid that he's making himself harder and colder, like steel. “I have nothing to say to you.”

Jace is shell-shocked, despaired and fuming, and right in Alec's face, his hands also cramping into fists. “You're going to tell me what this shit is about right now, or I'll-”

Magnus has had enough of those two and steps up quickly, pushing them both apart, shooting a warning look at Jace, before he turns to Alec.

“Alexander, I understand that life has been an unbearable hell for you lately, but pushing the people who care about you the most away is the worst idea. I told you if you needed some space I would give it to you, but this is not the way to get it.” He feels pain-ridden seeing him like this.

Jace forced himself to calm down some and steps to Magnus' side. “What is happening in your head that is so bad you feel the need to lash out at everybody? You realize that Max, the only other person besides Magnus and myself, who looks up to you as a hero and worships the ground you walk on, is now hurting and it’s your fault. Take that in, Alec! Get it through your thick skull that we are going to be here for you whether you like it or not. Some of us have no choice in the matter.” Jace’s words are lined with bitterness.

“Oh, no choice, Jace.” Alec's been screaming inwardly the whole time, wishing he knew what to do, how to change, how to become stronger to overcome this, himself, hurting so bad at the thought of Max, Jace's words cutting him to his core and he gets right in his Parabatai’s face, “So if you had a choice you would choose differently?”

“Don't twist my words, Alec. Of course I wouldn’t choose differently. And I wasn’t talking about myself. I can walk out that door right now and let you wallow in self-pity, but Magnus can't.”

“Oh yeah? Because he lives here?” There's bitter sarcasm in Alec’s tone.

“No, because he lives  _here_.” Jace pokes a finger into Alec’s chest where his heart lies.

Alec looks down as he feels his heartbeat hasten. “We share a special bond, Alec, stronger than any other bond I have ever known, except the one between you and Magnus. I would tear down the world to save you, but Magnus would raise hell. I have seen him do it.”

Alec has lost any words he had in this moment, staring into Jace’s multicolored eyes, knowing the truth is shining in them.

He daren't look at Magnus for fear of seeing that crushing vulnerability in him, not being able to take it.

“Tell us what is causing these outbursts so we can help you through it, brother.” Jace's voice and eyes are begging him.

“I can’t.” Alec’s eyes are brimming with tears, the images from his nightmares springing forth, the feelings connected to them too vigorous, too cruel. “I can’t do it, Jace.”

For the first time in a long time Jace watches his Parabatai crumble before him, just that Alec can't let himself, not completely, too determined to not let them see how broken he truly is.

Magnus has been watching silently, desperately wanting to hold Alec, but knowing this is something he needs to allow Jace to handle.

Jace cradles Alec's face with his hands, pushing himself up to press their foreheads together and exhales slowly. “Why not? You can trust us with anything, Alec, there's nothing you could think or say or do that would make us love you any less.”

Alec knows for them it's the truth, they believe that... but they don't know... they don't know what he's done... what he's becoming... what he's so horrified of, what he started to believe himself. His throat is laced up, every part of his body and mind frazzled, and he has to go or he will go to pieces.

He takes Jace's hands away and pulls back, turning towards the door. “I need to talk to Max."

He leaves the loft as fast as he can manage, all three of them feeling gut-wrenching desperation.

 

He's freezing with just his jacket, not having thought of taking his coat and forgotten that it's winter. There's a soft sheen of snow on the ground, but the temperature has decreased way below zero now, the coldness creeping into his bones. Everything about life, real life, seems surreal and out of place. He glances at all these people, going about their lives, most of them probably shopping for presents and Christmas dinner, and even though he's not hidden from them, he feels utterly invisible, translucent, a mere shadow of himself, if that. How can he be a hero, someone to look up to like this? He wishes so bad that they would just be able to forget about him. Have every memory of him erased, then at least they could be happy and continue living their lives. And he could just vanish.

Alec's a little surprised to find the hotel's front being decorated with Christmas lights. He frowns up at them then shrugs it off and enters, being greeted with green weed in his face, what the...? He pushes it away and gapes at the sight of the foyer. Is he really in the right place or did he tumble into another dimension...?

The foyer is basically crowded with Christmas decorations of all kinds, a banner saying 'Happy Holidays', 'Merry Christmas', 'Happy Hanukkah', hanging from the ceiling. A special candle holder is smack in the middle of a huge wooden table, a Hanukkah menorah. He only knows what it is because Simon told him once. Simon, so this is his doing? And Raphael let him...? Or does he simply not know...?

“Alec!” Thinking of the devil... Simon's rushing down the stairs, smiling at him, and Alec wonders how come his vampire friend isn't mad at him, but then nothing can dampen Simon's spirits and Alec's never felt more envious of him. He nods a greeting.

“Did you come alone?” Simon inquires, his eyes raking the Shadowhunter.

“Yes...? I don't need supervision.” He didn't exactly snap, but there's this defiance again, snaking itself around him like a vine, threatening to squeeze.

“I know, I didn't mean to offend you.” Simon hastens to assure him. “So, what do you think?” He looks around at the decorations and Alec glances back at the banner.

“I'm shocked you're still alive.” He retorts sarcastically.

Simon rolls his eyes, the grin never leaving his face. “We just thought we could all do with a bit of the holiday spirit and magic, you know? And, Raphael's not seen it yet, but I'm sure he'll come to like it! Clary, Max and Izzy have been helping, and the cats, though it took us four attempts to keep the banner in place, and the mistletoe hanging, they seem to love that.”

Alec's look darkens at the mention of Max and he remembers why he's here. “Well, good luck with that, I'm here to speak to Max, is he in his room?”

Simon is about to say something when a voice from upstairs cuts him off. “I'm here.” They both look up, their gazes falling on Alec's little brother, a somber expression on his face. When he heard voices and recognized Alec's, he couldn't keep away.

Alec softens immediately, taking a few steps towards the staircase. “Hey, Max, can we talk?” He may not even want that, but Alec's still hoping for a chance to make it right somehow, not having any clue how, yet.

Max regards him for a long moment, nods, and leaves towards his room. Alec gathers some courage and heads upstairs to follow. The cats are sleeping on Max's bed, tired out from all the mischief they've been up to today 'helping' to decorate.

Max leans against the desk in front of the window and watches his big brother quietly. Alec feels bereft of words, and ridden with guilt, but he has to push through that and fix this! He grabs the chair, turns it towards Max and sits down facing him.

“Max, I am so sorry you had to hear that, I didn't mean it, especially not about you, I would never want you to go away, I was just... angry.” He glances up to meet his brother's vivid eyes, always showing such deep emotions and how sharp and smart he is.

“I know you were angry,” he concedes, “but even though the evil thing is gone there's still something wrong with you, in here, isn't there?” He carefully touches Alec's temple who's feeling another kind of coldness crippling his insides.

“You shouldn't worry about that, Max, I'm alright.”

He pulls his hand back and crosses his arms defensively. “I do worry about you, and I know things even if you're all trying to keep it from me, which I hate. And a blind man can see you're not alright, and you shouldn't lie.”

Alec's stunned at his brother's bluntness, not that it's out of character for him. He just feels like he's messing this up already. “I know, I'm sorry, I don't mean to... I just wish I could spare you from all of that.”

“And I wish you would stop treating me like a stupid child, but there's that.” He's rarely seen Max look so upset and it's all his damn fault!

“Max, you're right, I don't want to lie to you or patronize you, I really hate that myself. But you're my brother and I want to protect you, just like Izzy and Jace. And right now, I don't feel like I can do that very well, and that's just messing with my head and it makes me angry, but I was very wrong to take it out on you guys, I just... can't always help it, because...” He swallows and bites his cheek, fearing he will say too much, fearing he already said too much and Max is the very last person he should burden with anything, particularly this.

“Is there still something controling you?” Max dropped his arms and he's just watching his brother with utmost concern now, wanting to know what's making him suffer, wanting to know whether he can do anything to help him.

Alec's holding his breath for a long moment before exhaling slowly. “Not like before... it's different, but I don't know how to explain it... it's more like... you know that voice inside your mind that is warning you when something dangerous is happening, or telling you what to do or not to do? Your conscience?” Max nods, listening attentively.

“It's a bit like that, just...” Wicked, brutal, murderous, tormenting.

“What is the voice telling you? Can't Magnus help?” Max asks quietly, both feeling a tension in the room.

Alec opens his mouth but closes it again, slowly shaking his head, because he can't say, not ever, not to his little brother, not to anyone. He looks down guiltily, knowing how disappointed and hurt Max will be.

Max sees how upset and pained Alec is and wraps his arms around him to at least comfort him a little. “You have to fight it, just promise me you'll fight it.” He knows it's bad, he knows his brother is still suffering so much, and if not even Magnus can help, then it's really very bad.

Alec's arms close around Max, craving closeness. “I will, I promise.” He whispers, knowing he's going to have to do  _everything_  left in his power to fight, and succeed, but if he won't manage for the ones he loves then he definitely won't manage for himself.

They eventually settle on the bed, stroking the cats who are purring madly, and Alec listens to Max's vampire stories and strategies he came up with to fight Alistair and the demons and Alec's impressed, and astonished and also finding new courage.

“Will you come to the party? We've been decorating all morning. We even got presents for everyone, you have to come.” Max concludes and Alec's shutting his mouth again, unable to deny his brother. He can't think of anything more bizarre than a Christmas party, but if it makes Max even a little bit happy, he has to.

He nods. “When is it?”

“Well, I think Clary and Simon wanted to invite you today.” Another pile of guilt is added to the mountain.

“I guess I should talk to them and apologize then.” Alec looks sheepishly.

Max nods and grins softly. “They'll forgive you right away if you come to the party.”

Alec musters a soft smile. “Doesn't sound like I have a choice then, does it?”

“No! Come on, let's find the others!” He grabs Alec's hand and pulls him from the room, the cats having finished their nap and not wanting to be left out of the action with their two favorite humans run after them.

  

They already forgave him, of course, and he swears that he won't act like a lunatic again. They hug and he feels better, and worse.

“Where's Izzy?” He really has to apologize to her, knowing he deeply hurt her.

“I'm not sure, she took a call earlier and said she had to go for a while and not to worry.” Simon answers while Clary's texting everyone about the party, making sure they know Alec will attend.

“I'm really sorry, but Lydia can't make it at such short notice, I know we should've planned better.” Clary sighs disappointedly, Alec feeling the same way. “But, apparently Jace and Magnus are already here, downstairs.” She informs them after reading Jace's text and they head to the foyer.

Magnus meant to put the concealment spell from Catarina on the hotel before, particularly with Max staying here, but with everything happening... he's making good on it now and Jace is silently watching, feeling a heartache he seldom experienced.

He's not going to give up, not on Alec, not ever, but he's drawing back for now, needing to regain some more strength of his own before another attempt to find out what's wrong with his brother. When Clary approaches him, sensing his state of mind, he musters a small smile for her, takes her in his arms and kisses her head, closing his eyes for a second, locking gazes with Alec a moment later.

Alec wants nothing more than to embrace him and tell him how terribly sorry he is for causing him  _so very much_  pain and promise he'll never do it again and it's cutting him in half that he can't. He tears his eyes away from them and glances at Magnus, whose back is to him while he applies the spell. He feels almost nauseous with the urge to run to him, touch him, hold him, take his suffering from him. But he can't. All he can do is not die from suffocation in this moment.

Max seems to just know, takes one of his brother's hands and leads him to the table to sit down. Alec's forcing air back into his airways and is extremely grateful for his little brother grounding him again. He doesn't know how to survive this party, but he will have to.

Alec watches Clary and Simon have a talk with Magnus after he's finished and they seem to agree on something, a big smile on their faces when they're done. How does Magnus even do it? Make them happy just like that? When all he does is make everyone miserable...

As he looks up, his eyes connect with Magnus' and again he feels like losing his breath but suddenly Clary's in his view, smiling gently at him. “Hey, I just heard from Izzy, she'll be here for the party in a couple of hours. And also, this is for you.”

She hands him a package wrapped in green paper and he takes it, staring stunned for a moment. Why the hell would she give him a present...?

“It's not a real present, just something we got for everyone, for the party. Go on, open it.”

Not a  _real_  present? Fuck, he doesn't deserve  _any_ present at all...! He can't tell her or give it back, she's looking rather excited and genuinely curious and she's such a good friend and person, and... he has to fucking stop this! His hands quickly make to unwrap the paper and he's rather dumbfounded when the content is revealed. It's a Christmas sweater, with a reindeer and trees on it, and snowflakes all around it, and its nose is a big red ball of cloth that's stitched to the fabric of the sweater.

His eyebrows shoot up at her, and he's  _so_  Alec in that moment it's almost painful. “Seriously, Clary?” His eye's squinting, absolutely certain this is the worst joke they could come up with, and Clary's laughing, her eyes shining.

“We all got one I swear, and we will wear them!” She grins and Max puts an arm around his shoulder from behind, grinning at him as well.

“I got one with a talking tree! Even the cats will dress up, so you have to, too, Alec.”

Alec glances from his brother to his friend and down at the sweater, still in disbelief, but it seems that he's going to have to give into his fate.

Jace had walked to stand by Magnus and Simon and they had all witnessed the scene, and Alec's expressions have elicited a grin from them all. Maybe this weird party is exactly what they all need.

Alec's gone to wash up and shave, and, yes, dress in that silly sweater, and everyone gets busy with the rest of the preparations. When he checks himself in the mirror, he just looks so ridiculous, it's not even funny, but worse than the sweater are definitely the bags under his eyes and the pale skin and he quickly turns away from it.

Max is waiting for him in the corridor, laughing at seeing his big brother wearing the sweater. He's dressed his own but he just looks cute which Alec finds very unfair, but he's smiling at him.

“They're not done yet and told me to wait up here with you.” Their heads turn as they see some of the vampires heading downstairs. He wonders how many of them will attend this party anyway. But the more the merrier, right? And the better his chances to just blend in and not be the center of attention.

Max and Alec go to spend some time with Raphael, who's looking much better and is raging about Simon turning his hotel into a ludicrous laughing stock, Max having a retort for every one of his complaints and sarcastic quips and Alec is enjoying himself, for real. The vampire leader refuses vehemently to dress in his Christmas sweater, even Max not having any chance to convince him and then the cats appear, each of them wearing a little Christmas cape which Max is delighted about, and he tells them they're ready to go. They support Raphael downstairs, even the vampire being stunned into silence at the scene before them.

There's not one but three large mahogany tables, spending room for everyone, the decorations aren't as all over the place anymore as before, but rather simple and tasteful, and everyone can find themselves represented in one way or another. The most amazing looking Christmas dinner is served on all of them. There's a huge tree in the corner by the entrance, adorned with starlight.. or so it seems to Alec. On top of it a pair of luminous wings, and underneath a mountain of presents. It's incredible and Alec's eyes are searching, finally finding who he knows is responsible for this little miracle.

Magnus' chest tightens the moment Alec appears, looking so fatigued underneath, yet joyful and spellbinding and phenomenally adorable in his sweater, and Magnus' heart skips a few beats with the wondrous expression on his face at seeing the room and the tree, and then he can't breathe at all when their eyes meet and Alec's smiling at him, the moment forever inveterate in his soul.

Raphael takes a seat to not strain himself too much and Alec slowly walks towards Magnus, not really noticing all the other people there, almost all wearing similar sweaters to him. Magnus, too, but his is full of glitter and blinking lights, wearing matching make up, how else could it be? But even without he's standing out like a beam of light to Alec, always has.

“You did all that.” He halts before Magnus, inches apart, his eyes traveling all over that face he adores so much.

“Not all of it, it was a group effort, mostly Clary's and Simon's ideas.” Of course, he's being humble, and kind, and Alec can't control himself, grabs Magnus' face and engages him in a kiss that tops not all of their previous ones, but most of those this audience has seen from them in public. Not that there is anyone else existing in their world for as long as their mouths stay bound together.

After they eventually part, Alec goes to greet Luke and Jocelyn, and others, and to his absolute surprise and joy, Catarina and Ragnor, and he pulls both into the tightest hug. Just for this, this party is worth it. Even those who don't usually celebrate Christmas or any other holiday, and don't believe in it anyway, can feel something special about this night. And it's a very uniting and comforting feeling in face of their mutual calamity.

Magnus, Catarina and Ragnor leave to save seats on a table and Alec goes to find Simon and Clary, pulling them both into a group hug. “Thanks, you two, you're kind of awesome.” He smirks at them as he lets them go.

“Wow, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.” Simon grins broadly.

“I've got better before, but I take it.” Clary winks and smiles happily.

Alec chuckles quietly and returns her smile. “But seriously, Clary, and you too, Simon, I don't know how you do it but since this whole... disaster, you've always tried to stay positive and give me, all of us, something special, something to look forward to and feel good about, and I don't know how to... thank you. I just...” He feels how his throat constricts, becoming raw as a symptom of approaching tears.

Both of his friends are close to tears as well now and they just hug him again as tightly as possible. “You don't have to thank us, at all, we love you and that's all the reason we need, and we know you love us, too, really.” Simon answers before Clary can but she wholeheartedly agrees, and Alec's having the hardest time not to cry like a baby, for once his tears not coming from a place of torment, but happiness.

“I really do.” He whispers and they part once they got themselves back under control.

Alec's looking for his Parabatai next, knowing he won't be able to mend what he's damaged between them so easily, but he has to at least try... but he can't find him and they're about to eat so he joins Magnus and his warlock friends at the table. The food is some of the best they've ever tasted and Magnus won't reveal where he's got it from, but then it doesn't even really matter. Max and Alec are feeding the cats who are allowed on the table this one time, though they prefer the brothers' laps or shoulders or heads.

Alec finally spots Jace at the table in the next row, next to Clary now, and promises to himself that he'll find him after dinner. And suddenly he registers that one other person is still missing. He turns to Magnus. “Where's Izzy? Have you seen her, yet?”

Magnus shakes his head, scans the crowd, but she's not here. “I'm sure she'll get here soon.”

Alec nods slowly. “Wonder what she's up to.”

“Knowing her, definitely something spectacular.” Magnus grins and Alec can't but agree hesitantly at first, his lips pursed but then he smiles softly.

After dessert, which is even more amazing than the main course, they're all just about not feeling sick yet, bellies stuffed so much they couldn't even get a drink in anymore and Magnus snaps his fingers, and the tables are clean, and then he tells everyone to get off their chairs, a couple friends helping Raphael into a more comfortable armchair, rather resembling a throne, and Magnus snaps his fingers again and the tables and chairs are gone, leaving lots of room for everyone as music starts playing.

“No one told me this party requires dancing.” Alec's frowning at him which elicits a little laugh from his boyfriend.

“It's not required, Alexander, but just in case you'd like to step on my feet.” He winks and grins adorably at Alec's scandalized face.

“Actually, it's time for presents! We know all of this isn't as it's supposed to be, the right date or order of things, but, given the circumstances-” Clary's found them again and Alec's interrupting her, gently putting a hand on her shoulder. “Clary, it's perfect, don't worry about a thing, okay?” As her doubtful expression disappears, a rather big smile appears on her features.

“Alright, let's head to the tree!” She announces excitedly and makes her way there and Alec spots Jace close and is quick to catch him.

“Jace! Hey, I just-”

“Alec, can we do this another time, please?” Alec's suddenly muted, noticing Jace's pain at staving him off, knowing he's been burdening him way too much for way too long and earlier today was just the tip of the iceberg, and though it makes him feel all kinds of awful, he quickly nods and forces a small smile, then watches him walk away.

_All your fault._ He swallows it down and catches Magnus' look as he's coming towards him, takes Alec's hand into his and squeezes it affectionately, no words needed.

As they walk slowly closer and the first people have already received presents and are unwrapping them, Alec suddenly stops dead. “Shit, I don't have any presents for anyone!” His eyes are huge when he gapes at Magnus.

“Alexander, that's not really important.” Magnus is quick to console him, knowing none of them expects anything, it's the biggest present for them all already that he's actually here.

“Of course, it is! I already got this sweater and knowing these crazy people, they'll have half a dozen presents for me! I can't not give them something!”

Maybe he shouldn't feel as agitated, almost panicked, as he does, but to him this is yet another failure on his part, another selfish act and betrayal, and he can't face them like this. He pulls his hand out of Magnus' and turns, not knowing where he'll go but he can't stay just now, and then he's in full view of the door that's opening and he sees his sister entering, and behind her - his father. He freezes in complete bewilderment and isn't able to move even as they're both heading straight for him. His insides turn cold.

“Alec.” Izzy's smile is fleeting as she's approaching her brother, painfully remembering their argument, but hoping that he changed his mind by now, losing it quickly seeing that stone-cold expression on him.

“Please, just tonight, it's Christmas.” She pleads him, their father staying a little behind, looking rather insecure.

“It actually isn't.” Alec deadpans, trying to ignore his dad completely, unable to deal with all the emotions his presence stirs.

“You know what I mean, Alec! Please be at least civil, he's trying his best for us.” Alec wants to snap at her but is acutely aware of more and more eyes on them, not least Magnus' and Max's. But they're still out of earshot.

Before Alec gets chance to respond, she takes his hand and pushes a thin, rectangular present, wrapped in a silver paper into it. “From dad, Jace, Max and me, Merry Christmas, big brother.” She's hurt and disappointed and steps back, next to her dad.

Alec feels so out of place and trapped now, staring at the present in his hand. He doesn't want it! He doesn't want anything! “Is this supposed to be a bribe-” Max is suddenly right by his side and he bites down the angry words.

“Open it!” Max is smiling softly, but Alec can tell he's also scared, and he absolutely cannot do that to his little brother. He sighs inwardly and unwraps it, revealing a black case and when he opens it... a stele. Not his, but one that has all of his runes engraved, and his name. It's beautiful, and he feels weak with despair.

“Don't you like it?” He hears Max's uncertain voice and is forced to look at him, almost not managing to swallow down the lump in his throat.

“No, I do... it's great, thank you.” He quickly crouches down to hug his brother, wishing he could get away and be alone to come to terms with all of this.

When he's standing again, he glances at his sister and father, and though he can't make himself go over there, he has to thank them, as well, and they seem at least a little bit pleased at that. If only he had any clue about what he feels anymore.

Magnus has sauntered over, hugs Izzy and shakes Robert's hand, welcoming him and then turns to Alec and moves close enough to speak into his ear so only he can hear. “Come with me?”

Alec is hugely grateful and agrees immediately, stuffing the stele into his pocket, leaving the paper and case on the floor by the wall to throw away later. He follows

Magnus to an empty lounge.

“Thanks for that, I really needed to get away.” He feels guilty but he needs to be at least somewhat honest with Magnus, if no one else.

“I know, my love, but I mostly brought you here because I have kind of a present for you.”

Alec gapes and shakes his head vehemently. “No, please, not you, too, I really can't-”

Magnus brings his hands up to silence him. “It's not a present as such, not a thing, anyway, just look over there.” He points at another door which opens a second later and then he watches as Alec's eyes grow wide and his face changes from gloom to delight.

“Lydia!” He leaps at her and pulls her into the closest embrace.

“Merry Christmas, Alec! Thanks to Magnus I was relieved of my duties for a little while, but I can't stay very long, I really wanted to see you, though.” Alec's shooting Magnus the fondest look, feeling deeply grateful and then smiles at one of his best friends again. “This is the best surprise!”

Magnus is rather happy with that and leaves them to spend the short time Lydia has with Alec, hoping she will somehow manage to make him feel better in a way no one else seems to be able to.

“So, catch me up? What have I missed?” They settle on the couch and Lydia's observing him thoroughly, what she sees mostly worrying her but she's good at hiding it.

Alec snorts lightly, sighing inwardly. “Just more doom and gloom, the usual.”

“Right, and now the truth, please.” She gives him her trademark stern look, which is filled with affection for him, and he can't really resist that.

“I'm a huge fuck up and everything's messed up? Izzy's really mad at me because our father apparently wants to make amends and I'm the asshole rejecting him... but I just... I don't even know. That's the truth, trust me. I just... feel so... torn... and selfish... and I know it's no one's fault, everyone's so great, and all I seem to do is upset them, and I just want to stay away from everyone but that would upset them, too, so... yeah... I'm sure you're happy you came.” He looks remorseful and it's all breaking her heart a little.

“Alec, you're not a fuck up, first of all, and of course no one wants you to isolate yourself, and you can't let guilt dictate your actions. You are not at fault for what happened to you, you have to realize that and internalize it most of all. You are the only person in this world to blame yourself, and you've always been so hard on yourself, you have to try harder to find the same compassion for yourself you have for everyone else. Be kinder to you, then you don't have to push anyone away and no one will be upset. And about your dad, well, if you can't find it in your heart to forgive him, then you can't be forced, but make sure you're really certain, it's never too late to conciliate with someone, unless, you know, they're not here anymore.” She cups his cheek and caresses his skin softly, concerned at how worn out he looks.

Her words hit him deeply, she's always had a way to understand him and just knows what to say to him to make him think about something in a different way. She's really quite similar to himself. But again, he knows she doesn't know what's really going on inside him, and he can't tell her, either, even though he wishes he could and that she would find a way to make even that horror seem better in a different light.

“I'll try, thank you.” He hugs her. “Now, tell me what's happening in Alicante?”

“A lot, everyone's preparing for a huge trial soon, but the main culprit is of course still missing, and as long as we can't find Alistair...”

Alec nods, understanding without more words. “Will any of us have to testify?”

“I don't think so, the trial is pretty much just a formality, a means to make sure no one can accuse The Silent Brothers of despotism. They want to make sure even the guilty parties are treated fairly, but everyone who's made themselves responsible of wrongdoing will have to face up to it and will be justly sentenced.”

Alec can't but smile at her. “I'm really glad to see you.”

She scrunches up her nose. “Of course you are.” They're both grinning.

They chat for a little longer but it's soon time for her to go back, but not before promising him to return as soon as she can.

Magnus reappears to open a portal for her and Alec slides his hand into his, feeling a little more encouraged yet again.

“Ready to face the music again, my love?” Magnus can tell Lydia has done Alec good and it was most definitely the best thing to do for him today.

Alec sighs deeply, purses his lips and nods. No time like the present.

Magnus warned them about Alec's issue with the presents and Clary quickly took them out of the pile and stored them away for another time, not wanting to upset him further. They all saw the way he was when his father appeared. And this party was supposed to make him feel better, definitely not worse.

Alec relaxes when he realizes that all the presents have gone and no one's given him anything else. The stele in his pocket is already weighing him down.

_It's never too late, unless they're gone._

Shit, she really got under his skin! He does  _not_  want his dad to die! Not even his mother. He just wants... again this darn selfishness, all about what he wants. Has he always been like this? He really can't remember this supposedly self-sacrificing person people keep telling him about.

Clary and Simon actually planned something else, and soon everyone's gathered around them, Simon with a guitar and a mic, Clary with just a mic, and they sing a few Christmas songs, but with a twist, having rewritten them to make them funny, or fitting one of their friends. Even Alec has to chuckle at those, and for half an hour, he can almost forget about his troubles.

When his friends take a break, he spots his father at the far side of the room, on his own, and Lydia's spirit must somehow be pushing him, or else he doesn't know why he's suddenly standing next to him, looking ahead, his hands shoved into his pants' pockets.

Robert glances at his son for a moment, both seemingly unsure of what to say, but even just having his son next to him gives him some hope back.

Alec finally kicks himself enough to get words out. “So, are you enjoying the party?” For some reason saying that to his father feels like the weirdest thing, but he's used to feeling weird by now.

Their eyes meet fleetingly. “Yes, I think so. It's certainly the most extraordinary one I've ever attended.”

Alec can't imagine his dad at parties, not even when he was younger. Surely he's making that up. But it's a strangely amusing thought.

“Yeah... so, where's mother?” He almost managed to refrain from asking, but not quite. And why he wants to know he really doesn't get.

“I actually don't know. She left the institute without telling anyone where she was going. Maybe some time to herself will help her realize a few things for herself.”

Alec's not really surprised. Being in her shoes he most likely would've done the same... but he doesn't want to think about being like her, he already thinks bad enough of himself. He nods and again is at a loss for words.

“Alec, just let me say one thing. I do respect you and I admire you because I don't know any other person as strong as you are, and I know you can't forgive me right now, and maybe never, and that's okay, too, but I want you to know that I'm not going anywhere, and should you ever want or need me, I'll be here for you.”

Alec's struck, staring dumbly at his father who's smiling gently, nods and walks towards where Isabelle and Max are talking to a couple werewolves he doesn't know yet, but intends to change that.

“Today's really holding a lot of surprises for you, isn't it?” Magnus appeared out of nowhere, not surprisingly, and puts a hand on the small of Alec's back, circling his fingers gently over the spot.

Alec feels a pleasant shiver, nods and leans his head against his boyfriend's. “Most have kinda been good, though.” He's really shocked about how so much can happen in only a few hours, and how often he can actually go from despair to hope, from surrender to courage and finding something to keep him going. Still, it would be terribly kind if this rollercoaster would stop some time soon.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been sitting on my laptop for over a week now, I was hoping that I would start on the next before posting it... but it didn't happen. My head doesn't seem to cooperate at all where this story is concerned right now, for different reasons, I guess... I, and whoever's still reading this, will just have to wait until I screw my head back on properly and continue...
> 
> Feedback is, as ever, maybe even more so right now, appreciated so much. 
> 
> Also... I was wondering whether anyone has any ideas/wishes what they would like to see happening in the story? I absolutely can't make any kind of promise that I could include it, but I have gotten inspiration from a couple of people's suggestions before, even if it wasn't exactly what they said... so you never know. There will just come a point when I can't go back and everything has to be dealt with before then... maybe that's what I'm unconsciously dreading, as well, who knows.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for, well, reading, and your patience. :)


	30. Shapeshifters And Other Hellish Creatures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My wonderful Parabeta, AlyxHavok, kicked my ass lovingly and so I actually managed to write this... so grateful! <3

“Isn't this quite the extraordinary event? Vampires, werewolves, warlocks and Shadowhunters – oh, and felines - all under one roof, celebrating a mundane festivity and there hasn't even been a squabble amongst us, yet.” Magnus says good-humored, looking up at Alec who has been silently observing the goings-on before them for some time.

Alec's in a little world of his own, fighting a never-ending fatigue, as well as his own mind, and it takes him a moment to become aware of Magnus next to him, and what he said to him.

He glances over. “Yeah, I guess.” His eyes fall on his boyfriend's smile for a second then he averts them back to the crowd. Everyone seems in good spirits, even Raphael, and he's glad, but he's running out of fuel to keep himself going.

“You are aware of all of this being your doing, right? If not for your efforts to unite Downworlders and Shadowhunters, it wouldn't be like this.” Magnus presses on, wanting to push through Alexander's thick walls again, in any way he can. And it is the truth.

Alec's brow furrows and then his left eye squints dubiously at Magnus. “Yeah, right.”

Magnus sighs inwardly. “Alexander, I speak the truth, and you should know it. Ever since overcoming your drummed in prejudices towards all Downworlders and seeing The Clave's laws for what they really are, you've been fighting for this, unity and mutual respect and understanding amongst us all, and you have succeeded more so than you realize. You have to know that.”

Magnus moves in front of Alec, locking their eyes, not letting him get away without getting across his intent.

Alec doesn't understand why Magnus is telling him this, why now, why at all? He doesn't really care about that right now, and he also knows that it's not really how it went. “I haven't done anything much and what I have I haven't done on my own, you know that. You, Lydia, Izzy, Clary and Jocelyn did most of the work, and without Luke's and Raphael's cooperation and a few Clave members, nothing would have happened at all. And I'm glad everyone's a big, happy family now, but I don't feel like discussing this any further.”

Alec turns and walks off and Magnus frowns, his jaw clenching, wondering for an innumerable time what is really going on with him.

Alec can't carry on for much longer, he has to sleep, but sleep means torture and he can't take it, and the only one he can think of to ask for help, apart from Magnus – who he can't ask right now – is Catarina.

She immediately agrees to go with him to a more private space and watches him concerned. “I... is there anything you could do or give me so I can sleep, just one night without any kind of dreams?” It takes a lot out of him to ask, but he's desperate enough, and the voice in his head that is mocking him how weak and pathetic he is isn't strong enough to make him want to endure another nightmare.

Catarina's features soften, seeing that haunted look in Alec's glazed eyes. “Yes, I actually brought something in case you needed it.” She gets a small flask out of her pocket, a translucent liquid inside. “It's one of my strongest potions, it will knock you right out, though, body and mind, but there is no way you can dream. It should be safe now the strange magic is gone, take it just before you're going to sleep so you won't end up hurting yourself while falling on the floor or against a table, Magnus would kill me.” She smiles gently.

Alec takes it, closing his hand around it, feeling a sense of gratitude and comfort from the small object. So, that's what it's come to... “Thank you, can I give you-”

She shakes her head. “I don't take payment from my friends, Alec.” She leans up to kiss his cheek. “Just be safe, and asking for help is not a sign of weakness.” She hugs him and joins the party again.

Alec watches her go, then opens his palm and looks at the flask. He was so determined to fight this on his own, without any help from anyone... to prove to himself that he can do it... but he has to admit defeat, and maybe, after a night of undisturbed rest, he will be strong enough again to succeed on his own. He can hope.

He tucks it carefully into his pocket, then goes to find the others to excuse himself for the night. He finds Magnus last, not least because he hopes he'll open a portal for him to the loft.

“Magnus, hey, I'm going to turn in for the night.”

“Oh, of course, let me just go find Ragnor and-”

“You don't have to come. Really, just stay for a while and enjoy the party, even Max is still full of energy.” He smiles a little.

“Alexander, are you sure? I don't mind at all.” And he rather goes where he goes so he's close to him and can have an eye on those damn nightmares...

“I'm sure. You're still wanted here and... I'll be fine...” He didn't want to tell anyone, but he can't stand Magnus feeling troubled. “Catarina gave me something to help me sleep, so there's no need to worry.”

Magnus seems surprised and less worried at hearing that, but he feels a pinch of jealousy. Why didn't Alec come to him...? But he dismisses it quickly and puts on a smile. “I'm glad to hear it, but I won't be very long.”

Alec nods and leans in to kiss Magnus' cheek. “Goodnight for now.”

Magnus, aware of something Alec doesn't seem to be, takes a hold of Alec's hand.

“Alexander, look up.” His eyes are gleaming, a sultry look on his face.

Alec frowns and glances upwards. Is that...?

“Mistletoe, yes, and you know we can't possibly break with traditions such profound as this one.” Magnus informs him, his voice laced with a sweet plea.

Alec raises an eyebrow but he can't bring himself to deny him and closes the distance between them, capturing Magnus' lips with his own. They kiss for a long, blissful minute, their bodies starting to hum, but Alec breaks it off, he really needs to get home and sleep.

“Soon, I promise.” He whispers as their foreheads are leant together, eyes closed and then he pulls himself away and Magnus, regretfully but understanding, opens a portal for him and watches him leave, feeling an immediate loss.

Back at the loft Alec relishes in the silence, he quickly washes up and brushes his teeth, dresses in a T-shirt and boxershorts and fishes the flask out of his pants' pockets, and there's also the stele... he puts it away on the vanity and takes the flask to bed. He sighs deeply when he's encased by the soft cover and curls up, then he opens the cap and downs the potion and a moment later he's out.

  

“ _You're a disgrace to this family.”_

“ _You're a petty excuse for a leader.”_

“ _You'll never be good enough.”_

“ _Your best is still worse than anybody else's.”_

“ _You bring shame to all of us.”_

“ _Alec, what have you done?”_

“ _You've embarrassed all of us.”_

“ _Maybe your mother is right and your best just isn't good enough.”_

“ _Anything you touch is doomed to fail.”_

“ _You're such a weakling, go cry in a corner you pathetic loser.”_

“ _What you're doing with that warlock is unnatural and abysmal.”_

“ _You will never be someone to look up to.”_

“ _You're a terrible failure.”_

“ _You're an abomination.”_

“ _I wish you'd never been born.”_

“ _Stoooooooop! Please! STOP IT!” He's huddled into himself, hands on his head, fingers pulling his hair fiercely. He's crying and yelling, sweating and hurting, full of raw despair, unable to shut off the voices in his head, unable to discern whether they're real or not. They're real. Must be. And they've been harrowing him for an eternity and they won't stop._

“ _You're a killer, Alec.”_

“ _You killed Simon.”_

“ _You killed your own sister.”_

“ _You killed your parabatai.”_

“ _And your parents.”_

“ _You enjoyed it.”_

“ _You want to kill more.”_

“ _You want to kill Magnus.”_

“ _You want to kill Max.”_

“ _You're a murderer.”_

“ _You're a monster.”_

_He screams full of agony, the voices suddenly gone._

“ _Now, are you ready to surrender to your true calling, Alexander?”_

_His own voice, he's back._

_He gets up, his limbs shaking from the unbearable strain, tears are still spilling out of his eyes. “No... no... please... stop this... please...”_

“ _It's not in my power to stop anything, and neither in yours.” The voice is right next to him, vicious and cold in his ear, an iciness spreading within him._

_Light is switched on in front of him. He can see Izzy and Jace and Magnus and Max, restrained and gagged and frightened. He can't take it anymore... “I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”_

“ _Then stop it!”_

_A knife in his hand, his body pushing forward, he's sobbing, stumbling, screaming in his head, the voices are back, so many, so cruel, tormenting him relentlessly and he's crumbling, breaking, giving in, surrendering... plunging the knife into his parabatai, crying so hard he's choking, another stab and another and another. So much blood on his hands, on his face, everywhere. Screams, so many screams. He's suffocating._

* * *

Magnus is woken by his mobile ringing. “Isabelle? What-”

“Magnus we need you, you and Alec! There are demons everywhere, all shapeshifters so far. Everyone's out there fighting them, please hurry!”

“We'll be right there.” He ends the call and quickly snaps the light on, moving to check on Alec. He was peacefully sleeping when he joined him an hour after he left, and Magnus felt relieved, but now something seems to be wrong. There's a light sheen of sweat on Alec's skin and when he touches him he feels burning hot.

“Alexander? Alexander, wake up.” He's stroking his face, shaking him gently, calling his name over and over but Alec doesn't move, at all.

Magnus feels panic rise within him. Not now! If this potion is still working he's going to have to use magic to get him to wake up, as well. He's careful but still pushes a considerable amount of blue energy into Alec's consciousness to force him to come back.

Being unnaturally forced out of unconsciousness, Alec wakes up with a start, his heartbeat drumming dangerously in his chest as he pants for breath. He's slightly calmer when he meets Magnus' glowing eyes.

“What happened?” To him? The others...?

“I have to leave, there's a demon attack. How are you feeling?” He can't go before he doesn't know Alec's going to be okay until he's back... he's not going to let him come in this state. He doesn't want him anywhere near danger.

“Demons? Shit, I'm coming!” He's so fast out of bed, Magnus is perplexed for a second then heads after him as Alec's going straight for his bow, quiver and seraph blade.

“Alexander, you don't have to, you just woke up and with that potion-”

Alec's eyes are piercing him, closing off his throat. “I am coming, Magnus. Now hurry.”

He rushes past him to get dressed and Magnus curses under his breath, snaps his fingers and they're both fully dressed and equipped. Alec's glancing down at himself, noticing the bulge in his jacket pocket... his new stele... might as well... he takes it out, activates the glamour rune for his quiver and watches it disappear. At least it's working. He shoves up his top, quickly activates a few more runes, and joins Magnus and they step through the portal, back in front of the Hotel.

Izzy is waiting for them and dashes to their side. “If you hadn't put that spell on the hotel, we would have been overrun by them! The others drew them further away, Max and Raphael are inside with a few others for protection just in case, their glamour is stronger than before, Luke almost got bitten by Alaric, well, he believed it was him at first.”

They're following her now with fast steps, trying to catch up with the others. “They're fast and cunning, jumping out of shadows, make sure someone's with you to have your back.” As she's saying it she's observing the area behind them, then hurries along.

“Over here!” Jace spotted them, hiding with Clary and Simon behind a building and the other three quickly join them. “They seem to have spread across the borough, we had to separate into small groups. No one knows what they're after, it seems they're mainly taunting us but when they go for it they go for the kill, no casualties so far.”

“We need a safe word, in case we don't know whether it's one of us or one of them.” Simon suggests.

Magnus nods. “Good idea, so long as it's not popsicle.”

Izzy, Jace and Alec are frowning dumbly at him. Simon blushes and Clary just about suppresses a giggle. Magnus thought those two would know what he's referring to.

“Magnus, please tell me you haven't actually read the books.” Not even Simon himself managed more than a few chapters. And he refused to watch the movie, even as a challenge.

Magnus shrugs nonchalantly. “They could have included something I hadn't tried before.” He winks at his vampire friend who grimaces.

Something clicks in Izzy's head. “Wait, are you talking about those sex books?”

Alec gapes at her. They're talking about sex books? And Magnus read them...? Concentrate! How on earth did they go from a demon threat to that? Magnus is about to reply when Alec cuts him off.

“Focus! We don't have time for nonsense like this. So, what about this safeword? I suggest SOS.”

“No, it has to be something none of us would normally use, like amphisbaena.”

“What?” Jace stares at Simon, frowning deeply.

“It's a mythical serpent with a head at each end, but anyway, just something like that, any ideas?”

Everyone's deep in thought. Alec feels irritated and impatient, for some reason thinking back to the night and something pops into his head. “Mistletoe, now let's move!”

Simon considers it. “Well, it's not as unique as amphisbaena, but it will do.”

The others agree and cautiously move forward, weapons at the ready. Alec unglamours his quiver and reaches for an arrow, preparing his bow. He hasn't done this for... a damn long time... actually that's not quite true, he did kill those demons just before they fled to Texas... but somehow, in his head, that hardly counts, he didn't know what he was doing then. But his body and mind remember now, and his senses are sharp and trained, and he's lethal if he must be. Lethal... a flash of a memory then he turns abruptly, looking upwards, his eyes having spotted movement on one of the rooftops. He lets his arrow fly and it hits its target, the demon bursting into flames.

“Well done.” Magnus is smiling proudly at his side. Alec glances at him and suddenly remembers one of their first encounters.

“More like medium rare.” He retorts and the illuminating smile he receives from Magnus makes his heart skitter.

They swiftly move along in the shadows, quiet and on high alert. “Maybe they're all gone after the others.” Clary whispers as they've moved along another five blocks and not spotted anything.

“Let's split up and move around this block, we meet at the other side and then discuss further actions.” They all agree with Jace's suggestion and Izzy, Alec and Magnus head right, while the other three head left.

Alec's in their middle, checking rooftops while Izzy and Magnus the rest of their surroundings, but they don't see anything. White puffs are leaving their mouths, their breaths showing in the cold air, but at least it's not freezing anymore.

While Alec's eyes are still scanning rooftops, he's aware of Magnus being close to him, Izzy a bit further away in front of them. “What books were you talking about earlier?” He inquires casually, like an afterthought.

Magnus perks up at Alexander's question, feeling just a little bit delighted that he finds it intriguing enough to ask. “They're really not special, if you want to know about bondage, I can teach you a few things much more enjoyable myself.” He's  _very_  confident in his statement.

Alec frowns, bondage...? “You can tell me more later.” His curiosity is spiked and Magnus grins broadly, already planning out several scenarios in his mind... until he becomes aware of Izzy eyeing him. He quickly masks his face and concentrates on their actual task again, his friend giving him a small smirk before she looks ahead again. They're fast on the other side, seeing the others coming towards them.

“No luck?” Izzy inquires from their three friends. They shake their heads, still coming closer gradually.

None of them could pinpoint to something exactly, but they all feel it at the same moment and raise their weapons just before the demons can strike. Before all of the ashes are evaporated, Alec, Izzy and Magnus are on the move again, speeding up to look for the real Jace, Clary and Simon. They find them fighting three Izzy's, Alec's and Magnus' each.

When they're terminated Simon grins at Alec. “Safeword?” Alec rolls his eyes at him.

“Works too, I doubt any demon, shapeshifter or not, could impersonate your lovely personality and those loveable facial expressions.” Simon quips.

“That's because I'm a unique masterpiece.” Alec deadpans, making even Jace smirk fleetingly.

“That you are, my love.” Magnus takes the opportunity and moves closer to his boyfriend, a hand on the small of Alec's back.

Alec smirks softly at him, remembering a few occasions at which Magnus has called him a unique masterpiece, a few of those could make him blush, but now really isn't the time.

And there really is none. They're in the middle of a square, surrounded by buildings, and demons, glamoured into all of their friends and themselves, are suddenly approaching them from every open space, and coming down from the rooftops. They kill as many as they can but they keep coming, circling around them, trapping them.

“I'm going to make an escape path through them, you run and don't look back!” Magnus shouts and his blue magic flares up dangerously, cat eyes ablaze. He pushes his hands forward powerfully, blasting a whole row of them out of the way. “Go now!”

The others run as fast as they can but Alec is last, needing to see whether Magnus will be fine, he's still fighting them off, coming towards him slowly. Alec speedily shoots a few arrows, providing more space for Magnus who's almost caught up with him and they run again, a horde of demons on their heels.

“Where'd they all come from so suddenly?” Alec asks while they're running side by side.

“I have no idea, maybe they were waiting for us!” Hiding until they saw their perfect opportunity to get them. What the fuck is Alistair planning? This is no doubt all his doing, and Magnus feels as if he's really just toying with them, until... well, they will find out eventually.

They're a few hundred feet away from the others now, the shapeshifters gone. Alec frowns at that but when he turns his head again he suddenly sees two huge black shadows and four red eyes in his peripheral vision but they're so fast he can't react quick enough. They got him... except that they leap right past him, merely slamming into him, making him crash to the ground.  _Hellhounds?_

And they're both going for Magnus, their large jaws spread wide, spitting foul liquid.

When Magnus glanced back at Alec, and saw the demon hounds he froze with the shock, every pore of him needing to protect the Shadowhunter at all costs, it took him a moment too long to realize that Alec wasn't dead, not even harmed badly, and that the hellhounds were coming straight for him. He missed killing the first one at a split second and he's on him, striking him to the ground, the other right behind him.

Alec's crying out and leaps back onto his feet, running as fast as his legs allow, blade in his hand, he smashes it into the first hound he reaches, and startles in sheer bewilderment when the blade doesn't go through, doesn't even scratch the demonic creature... only now it's dawning on him, they're wearing some kind of armor. It's as black as they are, which is why he couldn't make it out before in the chaos.

He doesn't have time to ponder, he glances back to where his bow is lying on the ground, no time to get it and no telling whether it would be more use than the blade. He gathers every bit of strength he's got and smashes his body right into the first hellhound's head, surprised and relieved when the creature actually seems to stumble and right into its companion, giving Magnus finally some room to properly use his hands and magic. He's been fighting the huge jaws off of him and couldn't really do anything else. He's still trapped under the creatures but he can use one hand to snap his magic alive and flings it at the first one, making it yowl.

Alec is going for the other's legs this time, having noticed that the armor doesn't cover their whole bodies, their faces and feet are exposed. He slams his blade into the hellhound's foot, hitting the target, but to Alec's dismay it doesn't burst into flames, just howls and whirls his huge body around to get him.

The impact is slamming him to the ground again and to avoid getting his head bitten off, he grabs with both hands and legs onto the creature's torso, clinging to it as it starts running, dragging him along.

Magnus is finally able to get on his feet and gathers enough magic to blast the cursed demon into oblivion.

“Where's Alec?!” Izzy shouts as the others finally reach him, a few more shapeshifters they had to get rid of delaying them.

Magnus stares at the spot where Alec and the other hellhound should have been. “It got him, hurry!” Magnus sweeps Alec's bow up and they race after the hound.

It is bloody fast and angry, but it's not getting him from where he's hanging onto it, but his arms are already strained and painful and he can't hold on much longer, one hand still holding his blade. He has to find a way to reach the creature's head.

He can't think of anything but the obvious, and most perilous option. He braces himself and lets go, crashing to the ground, scraping along the asphalt for a couple of meters. The hellhound is bounding back at him, his jaw wide as a shark's, baring dozens of sharp teeth. Alec doesn't have time to get up which he anticipated. He holds the blade up with both hands, plunging it directly into the creature's mouth and upwards into its brain... Alec's pelted with the reeking fluid from the hound's mouth before it explodes.

His eyes closed, his face distorted he registers it's really gone and opens his eyes again, relaxing, taking a deep breath. He feels sore and gross, wiping his face, but he's alive.

“Alexander!” Magnus and the others almost reached him and Alec's so happy to see Magnus is unharmed.

He's getting on his feet when suddenly a dozen shapeshifters are in his view, coming straight for him and cutting him off from the others. One look to the other side and there are at least two dozen more. Shit!

He doesn't have his bow, only the blade, and there are too many and the others will be surrounded again soon. He signals them that he will find another way around and for them to head back the way they came, then he turns and runs.

 

Every alley and side street seems filled with demons and his only option is to run along the main street as fast as he can. But even with his stamina rune activated, he is in bad shape, the worst he's ever been in that he can remember, and he feels how his top is sticking to his back and cold sweat on his neck and running along his face and his breath comes out in strangled pants, and his legs are getting weaker, coming to a halt eventually and he has to bend over and catch his breath.

A demon looking like Izzy shoots out of a shadow and pushes him so hard he's colliding with the wall of an office building, sinking to the ground, just about managing to scramble from the spot when the demon's about to devour him. Fuck, he has to get out of here!

He's running again, much slower than before, his lungs not getting enough air and his body's revolting against the strain, and he doesn't have time to draw any rune or rest, because there are more demons seemingly coming from all sides. And his vision becomes blurry and he can hear voices in his head, he recognizes them from his nightmares and tries to shake them off but it's impossible and then another demon, looking like Simon, grabs him and flings him against another building wall and Alec almost loses grip on his blade but just about manages to stab it into fake Simon.

He's scanning the street he's on frantically, knowing he has to find an escape route, and then his eyes are set on just it.

One building is under construction and the scaffold is just what Alec needs to get away from the ground. He gathers some strength and dashes for it, grabs onto the metal bars and pulls himself up, climbing higher and higher, halfway needing to take a break, but he's willing his battered body to move further and then he finally reaches the flat roof, and collapses against the narrow stone wall.

He needs a few minutes, just a few...

* * *

They understand that Alec wants them to turn back, get to safety, but one look at everyone and none of them is going to comply. They need to get to Alec, and they're going to do that while taking out these fucking demons!

Magnus tosses Alec's bow to Simon who catches it and slings it over his shoulder then watches in awe as Magnus' cat eyes glow like beacons in the night air as he spreads his arms, his hands and fingers moving in swift, purposeful flourishes and two fireballs of blue magic emerge, growing rapidly and when they're the size of big space hoppers – Simon can't think of what else to compare them to right at this moment – Magnus thrusts his arms forward, the magic balls bursting through more than two dozens of hell creatures and everyone's on the move, Izzy's whip cracking, Jace's and Clary's blades swishing and stabbing, Simon's performing roundhouse and other kicks and Magnus blasts holes through the creatures, killing more and more of them while they're trying their best to catch up with Alec as quickly as possible, the amount of demons crossing their way alarming all of them.

“This way, follow me!” Jace shouts, able to feel and track his Parabatai, more so in situations where their emotions are heightened, glad he's alive, but worried because he seems at the brink of giving into exhaustion... and there's another sensation he's getting from him... the one he's felt several times before but can never discern, the one that drives icy shudders over his skin, making his hairs stand up, fixating a vice around his heart, and making him dread what state they may find Alec in.

They reach the construction site but there's no sign of him. Jace is frantic, his eyes wildly scanning their surroundings. “Where the hell is he? He should be here!”

Everyone's searching desperately and then Magnus locks eyes with Jace, suddenly having the exact same intuition, and they look up at the scaffold. “He's up there!” Jace is the first to climb it, the others following as fast as fighting a few more shapeshifters allow.

  

He's got a knife and he's stabbing Jace and he's dead and there's so much blood. Alec is fighting for air as he comes to, not knowing where he is, what happened, how he got here, how long he was gone... but he knows exactly what he did, and he can't fathom how he isn't drenched in blood... his heart is frozen with anguish.

He's staring at the blade in his hand, it's clean... what happened...? Voices in his head, no no no! He gets up, every fiber of his body groaning in pain. Where the hell is he? And where's... “Jace!”

Alec's so happy to see him alive, hardly able to believe that he is and he's heading towards him, but something seems... wrong. The expression in his brother's eyes is void, his face blank, he almost looks lifeless...

Alec can't react when Jace grabs him, he drops his blade in sheer shock, incapable of comprehending whether this is real or a dream or even something else. His arm shoots up instinctual, holding Jace, or whoever that is, back but most of him feels paralyzed, seeing how his brother dies from his own hand, feeling the knife cut his skin, flesh and bones, seeing the life leave him, smelling the sweat and blood and hearing the excruciating screams.

“Nooo!” Alec doesn't even recognize his own voice, doesn't know whether he's flung or bolting himself, suddenly lying on the ground, the blade beside him and Jace above him, right on top of him, Alec's arms shooting out once more to hold him off but something is keeping him immobile otherwise, all he sees is himself killing his brother and he can't...

Jace jumps over the last metal bars and is finally on the roof, ducking just in time to not get his head bitten off by a shapeshifter looking like Luke that's come out of nowhere. He kills him and finally spots Alec, on the ground, fighting a demon looking like Jace, and something is very disturbing and wrong about the scene.

_Why isn't he killing that thing?!_  The blade is right there, he should easily be able to reach it, and he _can't_  think it's actually Jace for damn obvious reasons... why is he so out of it and not fucking doing anything?!

He's about to dash to him but other shapeshifters have found them and are fighting the others who also reached the roof and Jace also needs to fight a couple off, not letting his eyes off of his brother, though. “Alec! Mistletoe! Alec!”

Alec hears the voice, Jace! He turns his head and sees him, sees the others, fighting off demons... demons... this is a demon...? He looks back at it, suddenly aware of it's abysmal mouth, the teeth... demon... he loosens one arm and goes for the blade but he's still hesitant, his mind fucking with him, again seeing Jace dying before him, himself holding the blade that murdered him. He's desperately trying to shake it off.

Magnus fought off half a dozen demons and is about to kill the demon that's trapping Alec when Jace's hand shoots out to hold him back.

“Wait!” Jace is panicking, but trying to stay controlled, needing to know, needing to see what Alec's going to do, incapable of understanding what's going on, why he can't kill that creature, why he's getting such incomprehensible, alien vibes from him. Alec's got the blade finally but he's still not doing anything...

Magnus glares at Jace, waiting for one moment, not comprehending what's wrong with him and finally doesn't give a damn and shoots a fireball of blue magic right at the demon who bursts and frees Alec.

Jace is so devastated, so angry and pained and feels helpless most of all, he dashes towards Alec, who hardly managed to get back on his feet, and pushes him against the wall, one arm holding him steadfast against it. “What the fuck was that? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why didn't you kill it?!”

Alec's so taken aback, again faced with a Jace he's not sure whether he's real or not, he's just gaping at him numbly.

“For fuck's sake, Alec, talk!” Jace pushes him again and Magnus grabs one of Jace's shoulders, trying to pry him off of Alec, but Jace is frenzied with emotions and pushes Magnus off, who is just about refraining himself from using magic to get Jace off of Alec. He will, though, if he doesn't stop this at once. “Let him go, Jace!”

“Not before he tells us what the hell is wrong with him! He could have been killed! You could have been killed, Alec, is that what you want? Do you want to die now?” Jace shouts at him and the impact of all of it finally reaches Alec's messed up head and he thinks this is probably real and happening...

“No... I just...” What happened...? He couldn't kill that demon... because he thought... because Jace! Because... oh no...

“What!? What, Alec? Fucking talk!”

Alec's hardly ever seen Jace in such a state... and it's his fault... and the voices come back to torment and haunt him and he can't do this, not now... self-hatred and fear are turning him cold and stony and he grips Jace's arm, shoving him off with a strength the younger man hadn't anticipated.

“Just leave me alone, I don't have to justify myself to you!” Alec takes a step to the side but Jace is full of bitter hurt and scorn and lunges at him, surprised to find himself on the ground a moment later, Alec's speedy reaction and counterattack having gotten the better of him.

Magnus steps before Jace, to make sure he doesn't try to attack his Parabatai again and to find out what the hell is wrong with Alec.

“Alexander-”

“Stop it! All of you, just stop it and let me be! I don't want to talk to you!” Alec rushes towards the fire escape to get off the building. The others, perplexed and shocked follow him, there are still demons everywhere!

“Guys, the demons have vanished where Luke and the others are!” Clary's been on the phone with her mom and is quick to let them know. They descend the building and really, not one more demon is in sight.

“That doesn't mean they're really gone, though.” Izzy retorts.

Magnus is looking after Alec, worried to his bones and about to follow him when Simon is suddenly in his way.

“Let me follow him, I think it's best if we let him calm down, I'll make sure to keep my distance and let you know if anything happens, but I think he needs some space, and I think you should talk to him.” He glances over at Jace who's silent and out of it and Magnus curses inwardly in half a dozen languages.

“You call me to let me know where he is and what he's doing and if anything happens to him-” Magnus' face is filled with a promise of hellish wrath.

“I know, you'll make my immortal life a living hell, got it! I won't let anything happen to him, I swear!” Simon's genuine and Magnus knows it, he's just incredibly frustrated and angry at a hundred circumstances and afflicted with sickening sorrow for Alexander.

“Go.” Magnus gives in under heavy distress.

Simon smiles softly, nods, grabs Izzy for a kiss and runs after his friend.


	31. Tragedy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still very hard to write, but here goes nothing...
> 
> Special, damn heartfelt thank you to TeraBum, JaneNoe, bane-of-wonderland, female_overlord_3, רותי, AlyxHavok
> 
> You guys better know why... <3 
> 
> Songs mentioned here: Allman Brown - Rivers, Allman Brown - Your Love (everything by him is unbelievably beautiful)

“We should head back to the hotel, everyone else is.” Clary informs them while cautiously looking between Jace and Magnus who both seem desolate in different ways.

Magnus opens a portal and waits quietly for the others to step through. Jace is last, not yet having moved from the wall he's been leaning against, staring at the ground.

Simon said to talk to him, but Magnus honestly doesn't know what to say. And the Shadowhunter clearly doesn't want him to say something, either, judging from the dark look he's shooting him before he finally walks through.

Magnus is tempted to not join the others at the hotel but to just disappear for a while. Alexander doesn't want him, the others can take care of themselves and he's not their babysitter anyway, and... he's petty and bitter and hurt and angry, and overall worried sick; Seamus better keep his promise! He takes a deep, shuddery breath and steps into the portal.

“Raphael? What are you doing up?” Magnus inquires, rather unhappy at seeing his friend and greater pain in his behind outside of the hotel, and Max is just stepping out as well, a cat on each of his shoulders.

“I'm completely fine, and I won't stay idle when demons and a megalomaniac Shadowhunter, another one, are out there trying to kill my people.” He deadpans and crosses his arms over his chest, staring Magnus down who simply rolls his eyes.

“Well, we got rid of them for now, but I have no doubt that they'll be back with more giftset surprises.” Magnus quips sarcastically.

“Those hellhounds... they were after you.” Izzy looks at him intently and Magnus swallows down.

“Seems that way...” He concedes.

“What was that thing they were wearing? Armor? I didn't know they wore something like that.” Clary inquires curiously, wanting to draw them as soon as possible.

“They don't usually... that was... a special accessory it seems.” And Magnus has an unsettling idea about where it came from.

“Where's Alec?” Max steps forward, piercing Magnus with his deep brown eyes. At least Magnus feels as if he were impaled, which may just be his guilt talking.

“He's resting.” He smiles reassuringly at Max who doesn't look particularly convinced.

Jace snorts and enters the hotel, evoking anger to flare up in Magnus. “Excuse me.” Magnus heads after him.

“Jace! We need to talk!” Jace ignores him and heads upstairs to the guestroom he and Clary occupy when they're staying here.

Magnus doesn't take well to being ignored. One fluid movement with his hand and Jace is paralyzed.

“Magnus! Let me go!” The Shadowhunter is clamoring now, but Magnus isn't fazed in the least and steps in front of him.

“Tell me what exactly happened out there.” His voice isn't loud or commanding, but full of a quiet authority no one should mess with. However, Jace has always been one to take a few risks.

“You saw what happened! Now stop this bullshit!” His eyes are spitting scorn at the warlock whose face turned stone-hard.

“No. I may have seen it, but you know much more than that, so tell me, or you can stay like this all day, it's up to you.” He's challenging Jace who literally looks as if he would strangle Magnus if he could.

“I really fucking hate you, Bane.” He grits out through clenched teeth.

Magnus smirks humorlessly. “So?”

Jace curses a few more times then seems to get himself under control. “You know he's messed up, everyone does, but something is even more... fucked up than the rest of it. It's like... he knew it wasn't me, but he was petrified, like he genuinely wasn't sure or something, like he didn't really see the demon, like he was in some other place... in his head somewhere, I don't know, I can't read his mind and what I feel from him makes no more sense, it's all fucked! What I know is that he can't come on any more missions like this! He's a danger to himself and to us and I won't stand for him getting himself or someone else killed!”

Magnus' brow is deeply creased. “What does 'fucked up' mean? Can you be a little more specific?” His tone is impatient.

“No, I can't! This is all freaking messy and screwed up and I don't have a fucking clue and-”

“Jace, please! Help me out here!” Magnus looks suddenly rather desperate and wounded and Jace swallows down the rest of his furious words and sighs devoutly.

“I honestly don't know, Magnus. I've been feeling some weird shit from him for a while now, I mean weirder than the other stuff, but I can't tell you what it is because he won't talk to me! It's... it scares the crap out of me, alright? Because he's definitely terrified of something and there's a shitload of guilt with it and that's really all I can tell you, I'm sorry.” His anger is almost gone now, but he prefers it to this gruesome menace that is eating him up otherwise.

Jace's eyes show his despair and sincerity and Magnus falters. It seems the only person who could shed any light on it is the one person who refuses to do so, so vigorously.

Magnus hangs his head in defeat and walks off, Jace turning to complain about his warlock friend not lifting the spell but then he realizes he's already done so. He ponders whether to go after him but as long as Alec is so bitterly obstinate and secretive, he can't make anyone feel better, not Magnus, not himself. He heads into the room and shuts the door, feeling utterly helpless.

  

When Magnus joins the others again, Isabelle and Clary corner him. “I saw that look when Clary asked about the hellhounds' armor, what aren't you telling us?”

Magnus isn't fond of how perceptive those girls are at times. He just wants to shrug them off, and get away.

“It's nothing you have to concern your pretty heads with, and I'm going to-”

“Magnus Bane, cut the crap! Don't you think there are enough secrets that endanger us already? If we can't be honest with each other now, we're really fucked.” Izzy's eyeing him closely, her hands on her hips, not going to take any bullshit.

Magnus frowns slightly, purses his lips and sighs inwardly. He thinks he's about to get a headache... the second in a short time, and he never used to get headaches...

“Look, all I know is an assumption, I simply happen to recognize the material of which the armor was made of, but that doesn't mean I know anything for sure, so let me find out if I am right and then I will let you know details. For now, I'll be at the loft.”

He quickly opens a portal and steps through, needing to be on his own for a while. The first thing he does back at the loft, however, is text Simon.

* * *

Why is this happening to him? Why doesn't he know what's going on? Why doesn't he understand anything? Why is all he feels hatred and guilt and fear and despair? Why can't he tell anyone? Why does he hurt everyone? Why is he threatening his Parabatai bond? His relationship with Magnus? His whole life... what even is his life now? How is he supposed to live like this? Why didn't Catarina's potion work? Why is he still being tortured in his sleep? Why can't he fight it? Why is he such a failure? Why can't he be stronger? Does he really want to die? He doesn't want to kill! Can't he kill demons now? What use is he at all? How is he supposed to keep his promise to Max? How is he supposed to be who everyone wants and needs him to be? How, how, HOW?!?!?!?

He's screaming into the blanket, lying on that ancient mattress in the building at the harbor. It was the only place he could think of going. He feels as if he doesn't belong anymore, he's a stranger to everyone, and he feels repugnant to himself.

Maybe he simply can't come back from how all of this changed him, maybe he's really not the Alec everyone knows and wants. Maybe he has to find out who he is now and not struggle against it... but... he's still refusing to believe that he is who his nightmares want him to think... that can't be true, no matter what...

 

Simon's sitting on a rooftop from where he can look into the room where Alec is and texts Magnus back immediately. At least it seems safe for now, but how does he help Alec? He's as much at a loss as everyone else seems to be. Alec's always been one to keep his hurt and fears inside, but refusing to talk to anyone now that it's essential is honestly endangering all of them, most of all Alec himself.

Simon keeps watching the area and Alec who isn't moving at all. The first slices of daylight are pushing through the darkness on the horizon, but the sun won't rise for another few hours. It's quite a sight and when Simon averts his eyes back to Alec... he's gone.

The vampire moves fast, nimbly down the building and along the street and thankfully he spots Alec just a few feet away. Should he stay behind or join him...? He'll be mad that he's here, but Simon is tired of sneaking about. He catches up with Alec and if the Shadowhunter noticed, he doesn't give any indication. They walk quietly side by side for several minutes.

“Can I have my bow back?” Alec's reaching out a hand and Simon, after getting over the surprise, is quick to comply and hands the bow to his friend who slides it over his shoulder.

Simon's never been one to keep quiet for long and he's done amazingly well already, but he has to say something, and more often than not, in difficult situations, his mind provides him with other people's thoughts.

“You know the Dalai Lama, right? He said when we meet real tragedy we can react in two ways, either lose hope and self-destruct, or use the challenge by finding our inner strength...” He looks at Alec's profile expectantly, but Alec's face is stony, maybe even more so than before... okay, what else has he got?

“Ah, Samwise Gamgee... 'But in the end it's only a passing thing, this shadow; even darkness must pass.' Or Gandalf: 'The journey doesn't end here-'”

“Simon! This isn't a Tolkien movie, this is my life. And I probably should appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'm really not, so just stop it and leave me in peace. I don't need a babysitter to find the loft, just go and pester someone else!”

Alec doesn't mean to crush his friend, but Simon really irritates the shit out of him just now and it's his own damn fault if he doesn't get that Alec isn't of any use right now! Why can't they all get that and leave him the hell alone!?

Simon does feel dispirited and thinks it's better to let him be for now... he practically flies up the building next to him but can't refrain himself from shouting. “I'm proud you know who Tolkien is!” And then he vanishes.

Alec looks up for a moment, rolling his eyes and sighing inwardly, but there's the minutest groove of a smile on the corner of his mouth, gone as fleetingly as it came, replaced by inner frostiness that makes him shiver.

* * *

Magnus meant to busy himself by checking his phone he only uses for work-related issues, which he hasn't really used in weeks, maybe even longer, or cook up some potions, check in on friends or even do laundry, by hand, without magic. But instead he's staring at the Christmas sweater Alec wore at the party – seemingly weeks ago now - which is lying on the bathroom floor, crumpled and inside out, where Alec left it.

He can't do this anymore. Not knowing what is making Alec like this. He needs to know... he needs to... he could use his magic to get those memories... he could do it. It would be easy compared to a lot of other things. And then he'd finally know... A dark desire bordering on obsession is filling his insides, until it is pushed back. He can't do that to Alec, he can't do anything.

He wants to crush things, feel them crumble in his hands, feel powerful again, have a purpose, be worthy.  _I'm your downfall_. Alec said those words to him, and Magnus hates how true they ring in his ears just now.

Before he gets chance to decide on what he's going to do, his ears prick up at hearing the front door open and close. Alexander? Please, let it be him. Though what he will say or do if it is, he doesn't have the slightest idea.

He steps out of the bedroom just as Alec enters the living area. Their eyes meet and lock and the air is pulled from their lungs.

They're used to these staring contests, but Alec's never felt so uncomfortable as he does in this moment. Magnus is like a magnet drawing him in, but he can't allow it, not now. Magnus would somehow succeed in exposing his every last thought, shatter his barrier of preservation, and he feels as if that would be the worst that could happen right now.

“I'm gonna take a shower.” Alec finally mutters, dragging his eyes away and his body into the bathroom, locking it.

Magnus wants to reach out and grab his arm, wants to force him to talk, wants to make him cry or yell if that would help get the truth from him... but all he can do is stay put and watch him leave as he feels something rupture inside of him.

Alec feels a little less tense when Magnus' intense eyes are shut out. He can't believe that he's feeling this way... but he hardly believes any of this. And he can't think... he doesn't have the strength left to make himself care for anyone else anymore. He wants to be void of all feelings, of all responsibilities, expectations, needs. He wants to just be an impassible object.

He focuses on what he's doing, every move, voices it in his mind.  _Undress your jacket, now your shoes, your belt, your top, your pants, your socks, your underwear. Turn on the shower, wait until it's warm, step inside._

He manages to function like that until he's dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt and uses his stele to refresh his stamina rune. He's got scrapes and scratches all over his backside thanks to those hellhounds, but he refuses to draw an iratze as he prefers to feel the soreness. He grabs his music player and earphones he got from Simon, of course, and steps back into the living-room where Magnus is sitting on the sofa, reading something.

His little mantra isn't working with Magnus. He demands too much attention. When everything is grey he's that splash of color, that flame in the darkness, the missing piece of Alec's completion. But Alec just feels pain when he looks at him. Pain, guilt and shame. And he's incapable of dealing with any of it.

He doesn't meet his boyfriend's eyes this time. “I'm gonna go train.” He informs him quickly and heads to the training room, then he halts for just a moment, his head starting to turn back to Magnus, but not so he could actually see him. “You don't have to check on me.”

He hopes Magnus understands all he means to say with that.  _I won't hurt myself. You don't have to worry about me. You mustn't feel bad for me. You can't help me. I'm so sorry. I wish you didn't love me as much as you do. I wish I could be someone else. I wish I could stop this. Look after yourself. I'm better on my own. Nothing's your fault._

He walks off and closes the door of the training room behind him, puts the earphones in and listens to one of a dozen playlists he compiled with Simon, Clary and Magnus while warming up and making sure he's wrapping up his hands thoroughly before using the punching bag.

_Don't come for me. I want to be on my own. I don't want you. I can't deal with you. You can't help me. You make it worse. You don't trust me. I don't trust you. Leave me alone._ Magnus hears all of this and similar in Alec's words and he's growing cold to not get drowned from the hurt he just can't endure.

The music blaring into his mind is loud, often angry, and it's just what he can use right now as he works the bag, doing his best not to think about anything else. For a couple of hours he manages quite well, but he feels more exhausted than he should, aching all over, and needs a break. Frustration immediately gets the better of him and he slumps down against the wall and wipes sweat from his eyes, then he closes them and pushes his head back against the hard surface. His mind is reeling with cut off thoughts and images.

Another playlist starts, one he's listened to many times. He can never quite recall the singer's name, but he loves his voice, the emotions the words and the music make him feel. It's exceedingly pleasant to him, and horribly woeful. His eyes fill with tears as his body trembles.

_Run river, run, to the sea_  
_Water always wants to be free_  
 _Run river, run over me_  
 _Water take away my memory_  
 _Water take away my memory_  
 _Water take away my memory_  
 _Water take away my memory_

And even though he wishes hardly anything more, he still cannot bring himself to ask for help, ask Magnus to take them all away, he could, he would... but just the thought of losing them is more frightening than the actual memories themselves, which should be impossible, but there's almost nothing left he can make sense of anymore.

_When my_

_When my days are done and they_

_And they ask me what I take_

_Take from this life_

_Your love_

_Your love_

_Your love_

 

_When my bones turn to ashes_

_All that remains is your love_

_When my bones turn to ashes_

_All that remains is your love_

_Your love_

_Your love_

_Your love_

Emotions are crashing down on him like a tsunami and he crumbles into himself, sobbing into his hands.

 

Magnus can't bear not checking up on him. But Alec doesn't want him to. He has so much to do, so many responsibilities he let slide or abandoned completely, the club has been closed for a few months and his client list has shrunk crucially, yet he just can't find it in him to care about any of that. But he needs distraction badly, or he will drive himself mad. And there's one issue he needs to look into. The hellhounds' armor. It's the only thing that keeps him occupied enough to finally act on it. But first he calls a good friend, no matter what, he can't leave Alexander on his own.

 

When his tears finally subside he feels spent. Like he could drop on this floor, and sleep for days. Instead he wipes his face and reapplies his stamina rune, and, because it feels as if he can hardly move, he finally draws an iratze to help him heal as well.He pulls the earphones off and leaves the player behind. As he walks into the living-room he's greeted by someone he didn't expect to find here at all.

“Where's Magnus?” Is he alright? Is he hurt? Did he drive him away...?

“He's taking care of some business.” Luke musters his friend with a serious expression and Alec feels instantly defensive.

“And you're playing the watchdog for him?” He crosses his arms and looks at him defiantly, though he probably appears rather pathetic to the older man.

Luke raises his hands. “Woah, Alec, I'm not anyone's watchdog, and I don't think you have much room to complain. Your boyfriend and friends, which I also count myself as, are just a little bit concerned about you after recent events, and by the way, you look like a vampire drained your blood and left just about enough for you to keep standing.” The werewolf's voice is dry and sarcastic, but under a deeper layer laced with concern for his friend.

Alec looks miffed, but for once he's directing all of his inner scorn towards himself. “Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, but I still don't need a babysitter.” Alright, maybe not  _all_  of it.

Luke shakes his head and checks his phone that just bleeped. “Well, I gotta go anyway. Magnus should be back soon and if you need anything, maybe try calling your family and friends who actually give more than a damn about you, kid.”

Alec snorts and Luke comes over, cups the back of his head and gives him a hug. “Take care of yourself, Alec, I mean it. See you soon.”

Alec watches his friend leave with a dark expression on his features. Why does everyone keep making him feel like a fucking useless piece of shit? Or is that just he himself... Fuck this! He marches into the bathroom to freshen up and dress in fresh clothes. When he's done Magnus isn't back. He runs his hands through his hair and looks around for something to do, he can't stay idle, that's for sure.

His eyes fall on the bar. A dozen bottles of different liquor. He's never been one to drink much, not even when Magnus and he eventually found some drinks he really enjoyed. He never got the appeal of getting drunk, contemplated people who drank their worries and problems away as weak and disgraceful.

He walks over, grabs a glass and a bottle, not even caring which one, and pours himself a drink. After all, weak and disgraceful is exactly how he feels, among lots of other miserable shit. He loves and hates the sharp burning of the alcohol as it runs down his throat, and he's quick to add more to it.

 

Magnus saw Luke's text informing him that he had to leave the loft again rather late and he's cursing everyone and everything as he quickly makes his way back, the meeting having gone worse than he'd expected and he regrets ever going, but what's done is done.

The moment he's back in the loft, he's crowded with a sensation of wrongness.

Alexander is here, a glass and an almost empty bottle of malt whisky in his hands, loud pop music is blaring from the high definition stereo, and he is dancing, swaying to the music, and drinking, and the tank top he's wearing is rather tight, showing off his arm muscles especially, and the pants he's wearing are low on his hips, due to his weight loss no doubt, and there's a strip of bare skin showing and Magnus is positively speechless as heat creeps up in his cheeks, and all the rest of his body.

He keeps watching Alec for a minute then snaps himself out of it, magicks the music quieter and approaches him. “Alexander?” He's not sure he can even hear him. He's never seen him drunk, because Alec never got drunk, tipsy a few times, which was nothing but adorable and very sexy, but nothing like this... Magnus is pretty sure the bottle wasn't full, but that stuff is quite explosive, especially on an untrained stomach.

Alec's suddenly aware of... someone... he stops his movements, a little wobbly on his feet, a little dizzy, and his eyes grow wide as he spots the most gorgeous, hottest guy he's ever seen in his life. For a moment there are even two of them... he blinks one away. A lazy smile forms on his lips and he quickly downs the rest of his glass then puts it down with the bottle, not noticing how it rolls onto the floor, wanting his hands free.

“Magnus... you're just on time.” He grins and grabs him. “Dance with me.”

Alec's sudden closeness is impeding crucially with Magnus' thought process. A few minutes ago he wasn't sure whether Alec would let him touch him again any time soon, and now Alec's arms are flung around Magnus' neck, their bodies are pressed together and Alec's hips are moving against his, albeit a little clumsy and inexperienced, but shamefully this just adds to Magnus' growing excitement.

“Alexander, are you alright?” He seems fine... but he's obviously not. If he were he wouldn't have gotten drunk in the first place. Magnus is still stunned, but his arms finally close around Alec's waist. He's worried and cautious but also craving this proximity, the tangible pressure between them, Alec looking at him without fear or guilt or dismay or anger or pain. There's blatant desire and burning lust in those smashing hazel hues, for Magnus, and that is an undeniable aphrodisiac.

“Never better, I feel... so good, Magnus, so good. Do you feel good? I want you to feel good.” His voice is slightly slurred, but overall deep and raw, sending tingles along Magnus' neck and spine.

Before Magnus can answer Alec's mouth is pressed to his. The kiss is rushed and sloppy and wet and Magnus can smell and taste the whisky but also Alexander, and the impact of how much he missed him hits him like a truckload of rocks.

Their hands are suddenly all over each other, Alec's tongue diving in Magnus' mouth and they're moaning and at  _any_  other time and place, the outcome of this would have been one-way only. At a time when things were right and good between them. Which they aren't.

Magnus knows all of this is the alcohol, because Alec wouldn't even want to be near him right now if he wasn't drunk, and Magnus also knows he needs to stop this before it gets out of control, and he has no words to express how much this pains him. But he could never ever take advantage of him like this.

“Alexander, we have to-” He hardly manages to move away enough so he can press words out, Alec's mouth and hands are relentless and Magnus gasps as he suddenly finds himself on top of him on the floor.

Alec was too eager and too unsteady on his feet and stumbled, not letting go of Magnus, not even caring that he hit the floor, his shoulder groaning in pain for a moment but it's quickly drowned out by the coiling heat in his stomach and groin and his hands roam over Magnus' body, wanting those disturbing clothes off, momentarily having forgotten how to.

“Are you hur-” Again he's attacked by Alec's lips and teeth, and they pull and bite and Magnus is somehow trying to soothe him, calm him down, make him – to his utmost dismay – stop, but Alec seems to be in a frenzy.

Magnus wants to be gentle, careful, but when Alec's hand pushes in between their bodies and is suddenly rubbing the bulge in his pants, he throws caution away.

“Alexander, stop... please, stop.” He pulls away, taking Alec's wrist and moves it to a safer area instead. He feels like this is one of the hardest things he's ever had to do... and he really wishes they weren't put in this impossibly difficult situation.

Alec's in a world of bliss and lust and finally everything makes sense and there's nothing bad or disturbing, no anguish, no distress, just Magnus and all these wonderful feelings and sensations, and gosh, he needs more, so much more... and then it's all gone in an instant and he doesn't get anything... but apparently it's enough to sober him up quite a bit.

Magnus... he told him to stop, he... he has never told him to stop... especially not like this... what the hell...? That heat and bliss turn into white hot anger and fear, and hurt of rejection he's never felt like this before. “So you don't even wanna fuck me now?!”

Magnus is so shocked at Alec's words and the tone of his voice, so full of fury and rancor, he moves back, now sitting on the floor, staring at him in total disbelief, unable to respond.

Alec moves into a sitting position then gets onto his feet, somehow managing not to fall again. “Not that it's a surprise, is it? You've gotta think of your future... I won't be here much longer... maybe you've found someone better? Hell, anyone's better...”

His head is spinning suddenly and he holds it with both hands, stumbling into the bedroom where he intends to sit on the bed or lie down but he misses it just and ends on his ass on the floor next to it, but it's no matter... it's all lost and hopeless and pointless...

Magnus is shocked to his core and center. Alec did not just say those words... he did not imply... he can't have. Not possible. He wouldn't... he's sitting there immobile for several long minutes, his face paled, his eyes dry and sore with unshed tears biting behind them.

He exhales slowly and closes his eyes for a moment, then moves, onto his feet, his heartbeat feeling like little stab wounds with every beat as he steps into the bedroom.

“Alexander, you're drunk, and let's just forget this happened, and what you said-” His voice falters and Alec looks up, their eyes connecting.

He looks excruciatingly sad and Magnus can't stay... but he can't leave.

“I'm not, I am, but it's the truth, Magnus. And I want that for you. I want you to be happy, to live your life, once I'm-”

“Alexander, don't! We don't have to talk about this now!” _Never!_ Magnus is close to begging him, why, why now? He can't take it. It's like punches in his gut.  _Punchpunchpunchpunch._

“I want you to find someone when I'm gone, someone immortal so they won't have to leave you again.”

“Alexander, don't!”  _Stabstabstabstab._

“Someone who can love you forever, which I can't.”

“ALEXANDER, PLEASE!”  _Ripripripriprip._

“And you mustn't lock yourself up again, just be happy, Magnus, you have to promise me, because soon I won't be here to-”

“ALECSTOPIT!”  _Torntoshreds._

Alec is finally looking up, startling out of his rambling. The room is shaking, books are dropping from the nightstand, candles are rolling over the floor, make up and jewelrey boxes with their contents joining them.

Magnus is shaking, raggedly breathing, his golden eyes blazing dangerously. Every muscle in his body painfully tense.

Alec is slowly getting up, incomprehensible sorrow having taken a hold of him and he meets Magnus' eyes, feeling as if he's lost a war, a life, everything.

“You'll just have to face it, Magnus... you have to...” He already has. He accepted it. He knows...

Magnus' mind is reeling, about to explode or shut down. He watches Alec leave and sinks to the ground, inept of holding his body upright. All fight is leaving him, drained from every ounce of power he's ever possessed.

Before he breaks completely, he reaches for his phone and texts one person he can think of that might still have a chance to make a difference. Then he gives into desolation.

 


	32. I Should Have Known

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for every kudos, feedback in any way, I appreciate it tremendously.
> 
> Song used here: Allman Brown feat. Liz Lawrence - Sons And Daughters

He quickly refreshes all the essential runes, like heightened speed, strength, and soundless, and jumps out of the window to avoid being questioned. He doesn't have time to lose as he runs through the streets, hidden from most eyes, his angel blood boiling in his veins.

The rune on his lower abdomen is throbbing, calling to him as he focuses solely on his Parabatai's whereabouts. He remembers when he couldn't even feel a sign of life, which was even worse than this feeling of despondence.

Jace finds Alec slumped on the steps of a subway station, wearing a t-shirt in this cold, his invisibility rune deactivated. But even though mundanes are rushing up and down the steps, not one of them takes any notice of his unmoving body. Jace really doesn't feel anything good for these people just now.

When he touches Alec he's freezing, and Jace quickly takes off his jacket to place it around his brother, but he knows he has to get him away from there. He pulls him up onto his feet and drags him along, then quickly redraws Alec's invisibility rune and shoves him into the closest building, a coffee shop. He finds the boiler room, glad it's heated properly and pushes Alec down with him, wrapping him into his arms, pressing Alec's back against his front and rubs his brother's arms to help warm him up.

Jace is worried sick about Alec's unresponsiveness, he was fearful anyway when he got Magnus' text message, knowing something bad had happened once again, and he has exhausted his ideas of how to try to make his brother talk to him. Nevertheless he's not going to let him freeze or leave him on his own. Alec would never do that, not usually anyway, and Jace is not going to let his emotions rule him and prevent him from doing the right thing, not when it's about Alec.

He doesn't know how long they're staying like this, but when he hears Alec's soft sigh, Jace relaxes a little finally. His hands still but he keeps them closed around his brother's upper body and pushes his face into Alec's shoulder, he can smell the strong alcohol. _Damn you, Alec._

“You're such a damn idiot, Alec, why do you do it to yourself? You should've got drunk with me, not like that.” He sighs heavily and moves his head back against the wall. Maybe, even though Alec obviously still won't talk to him, he should be the one talking.

There are many things he could tell him, some he's said before, most he hasn't because he felt ashamed to say them, but if there's one person in any world he doesn't have to feel ashamed with, it's Alec. Maybe it's time...

“You're the one I love the most, you know that, right? I can still love many others, but what I feel for you is that much stronger. I don't feel guilty about that, or weird, and I'm really lucky Clary understands. And it's not just because you're my Parabatai, but because long before that you were the one chasing my nightmares away, you were the one to be kind and understanding no matter how horrible, disobedient, violent and undeserving I was. I tried to hate you so hard but I never managed. I remember when we fought with proper knives that first time and I wanted to teach you a lesson, show you how much better I was than you, break you... I was so hateful back then... and I did manage to hurt you, because you wouldn't go that step further to hurt me, and I cut your eyebrow and it was bleeding like hell and I saw you flinch because it must have hurt, but you didn't say anything, you weren't even mad at me. You just let Hodge take you to the infirmary to get it stitched up. I remember you refused to let them draw an iratze to heal it. I never understood that, and for a long while I thought you did it to punish me, to make me have to look at the plaster and remind me of hurting you, and how much of a bastard I was. But now I think you probably did it to punish yourself in some way. You always managed to draw strength from pain, and I admire that, but I never realized how much you hurt yourself for the sake of punishment. I never quite understood how much you've been suffering all those years, Alec, for so many reasons. Being the oldest, the role model, the heir to the throne, the one every misstep would fall on and who would be punished for it, and the way you felt about me... I'm a self-centered asshole, Alec, I know that... and you wanna know why I never really stood up for you or Izzy when our parents blamed you for things I fucked up or treated you unfairly? Truthfully, I thought you were strong enough to handle it, that you weren't ever going to be really punished severely because of who you are, and because I've been a coward and it made me feel good to be favored in some way, to be looked at with admiration and pride... and I didn't want to lose that, not even for you. I was too selfish and too scared to be cast aside and I loved having that bit of freedom and leeway over you, to be special in some way, you were so good and following all the rules anyway, I never thought my actions could really get you into trouble, and I was so used to you getting me out and taking the blame.”

He's quiet for a couple of minutes, dwelling on memories, letting the feelings of shame wash over him, and he's all too aware of Alec's silence.

“You were the one to sit with me quietly, hold my hand when I let you, held me through the nights I didn't dare sleep. You showed me it was okay to cry, that it wasn't just weakness, but you never cried, Alec, not with me, or anyone else I know of... You took all my tantrums, you never called me out on my bullshit in front of others, you stood up for me, you took the fall for me countless of times until I finally got the courage to own up to my mistakes, at least some of them, you made me want to be a better person, you made me want to be someone you could look up to and be proud of. I used to be so scared to disappoint you, that you would eventually give up on me, too, but you never did... and once I understood that, I had power over you, I could basically do whatever I wanted because I took your love and support for granted, Alec. I took  _you_  for granted for the longest time, and you never once disappointed me, not over Clary, when I pushed you so damn far, not over Valentine, not any of this messed up shit. Even when you were fed up and angry with me, you always came round, you always forgave me, Alec, and I've come to depend on you in every way possible. I know it's not fair, not at all, but it's the truth. I depend on you to be there, no matter what, and without you I'm lost. And I'm losing you, Alec, and I can't. I can't be without you, those months you were gone and I couldn't feel you... I don't know how I got through, I wasn't even half of me anymore, and now I can see you falling apart and it's killing me, Alec... it's killing me that you're in so much pain and I can't do anything about it. And it's killing me that you won't talk to me, because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough, and maybe I'm not, and maybe you can't trust me anymore... or maybe you never truly did, in a... profound way, because you never really had to, did you? I was always the one who needed you more than you needed me, you were always strong enough to deal with anything on your own. You did ask for help at times, but essentially... you did it on your own, and then you had Magnus.”

He sighs wearily and moves a little because his leg is falling asleep. “You might be happy to know that at least Magnus and I managed to leave our animosity behind us for you, and I'm glad.” Again not any reaction. Jace is growing a little more frustrated but he swallows it down.

“Alec, I know I'm selfish, but you know me and I don't care. I need you, Alec, I need you to be strong and find a way to conquer whatever this is, for all of us, but especially because I need my Parabatai to be strong so I can be strong again. Alec, I'm trying so hard, to be how you need me to be, but I don't have a clue anymore what you want or need from me and I can't deal with that, which is why I've been pulling away from you, but that just makes me feel worse. I need you to figure this out and soon and do whatever you have to do, because none of us can go on like this, and neither do I want to. Whatever it is you're fighting in your head this time, and I think it's maybe yourself in some way, you've got to push through it. I don't care how you do it but you have to. I'm sorry our bond is a burden to you, Alec, I never wanted that, but it's never been a burden to me. We had a bond stronger than anything I've ever known, even before we became Parabatai, but now it's what it is and without it, without you, I can't be who I want. I know you'd probably be okay without it, without me, but I wouldn't. I'm the person I am mostly because of you and I want to be better for you and I like who I am most of the time these days, because of Clary and you, and I don't want to find out who I'd be without you, Alec... the insight I got was bad enough. So, you have to do this, Alec, no matter what it takes, you have to, for me and Izzy, and Max... and Magnus. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for us. We promised each other to always be there for each other but you're not giving me a chance to be there for you. Just let me prove that I can, that I can help you through this, if just by listening, or holding you, or anything you need. Please, Alec. I just want to be there like you've been there for me for so many years, but I can't if I don't know what's wrong. I can feel your pain but I don't know what's causing it and I can't do anything about it unless you tell me. Please, brother.”

Jace is holding his breath for the longest drawn out moment, but Alec doesn't say a word and he can hardly keep his temper in check, but he's doing his best. He closes his eyes and pushes his head back against the wall. That's it. That's all he could think of, all he had left to give Alec... if it's not enough, if _he's_ not enough, then that's it.

Except... maybe there is one other thing... but he's too frightened to even finish the thought of it.

But doesn't he owe it to him? It would be the selfless thing to do... the thing Alec would do... but he's not like Alec... and maybe he can never be, he needs this more... but he should at least find out... but what if his answer is yes? What would he do then?

He's debating with himself for the longest time and getting more and more frustrated and desperate with himself. And then he just presses it out.

“Do you want to break the Parabatai bond? Would that make you happy?” His own words are echoing in his ears, so loud he's starting to feel nauseous. He's not prepared for Alec's answer... especially not if he truly wants to be rid of it.

One of the longest minutes of his life follows and he's about to take his words back, make Alec forget them, ignore them for all time.

“No, it wouldn't.”

Jace is waiting for Alec to say more, but he doesn't. He lets his breath go slowly and ponders about it. He feels relieved, but not as happy as he thought he would. He feels guilty most of all.

“Alec, I'm so sorry...” He's not even sure what for, too many things,  _everything._

“Why? You haven't done anything, and I don't blame you for anything.”

Jace is glad that Alec's talking, but his voice is so quiet, fragile. He pulls him a little closer unconsciously, trying to keep him safe.

“Well, thank you, that means a lot.” He sighs softly, wondering what's going on in Alec's head. He doesn't blame him... so who does he blame?

“Alec... none of this is your fault, either, you have to know that. You have to... understand... just... damn.” He takes a deep breath.

“There's something else I never knew, Alec, something I found out quite recently and I do blame myself for that. I never paid enough attention to you, to our bond in the way that... I guess because I always felt the same from you... the same kind of emotions underneath your calm, I thought that was normal for you, I thought that was all there was, but you were just so good at hiding. Your feelings for me and your pain and sadness and fears... you worked so hard on concealing those from everyone, didn't you? So even I couldn't really feel it, but I should have, Alec, I should have known... I should have taken the time and care to find out, but I only realized it when Magnus came into the picture... when you suddenly felt... such intense joy, and happiness... I never felt that from you before then, Alec, I thought you were content most of the time, and we had some really good times, but you never were happy all those years, because you didn't let yourself and because we were all pushing you so much and made you believe you had to hide your true self... and Magnus, he pulled all those repressed emotions right out of you, didn't he? And feeling how happy you were, Alec, that truly helped me through that horror I went through after Valentine, what made me happy again. And I want you to feel that, I want you to be happy, Alec.”

Jace's shutting his eyes, pushing his nose into Alec's neck, suddenly overpowered by emotions.

“I'm sorry, Alec, I'm-”

“Jace, just... stop it, please, it's all done and dealt with, there's no point in any of this now. Just forget about it.” Alec's voice is stronger, dismissive as he moves away, out of Jace's grip and he can't but let him, watching as he stands and rubs his face.

“Let's just go back.” Alec's eyes won't meet Jace's and the slumped shoulders tell Jace a lot. He'll keep spiraling downwards, until... why can't they fucking do anything?!

Why can't _he_? He's his damn Parabatai! Why does that mean shit now? He could let this helpless rage get the better of him, yell and fight him, but he really doesn't want to do that... he wants to mend what got damaged between them, not do any more harm. He takes a moment to compose himself then gets up.

“Alright.” He leads the way, unable to not feel rejected and hurt, and they walk quietly side by side, Alec never lifting his eyes from the ground and Jace already bared his heart and he doesn't know what else to say. He doesn't believe words can help Alec, he also doesn't know what else could. Magnus will have to find a way, any kind of way, magic or not, to get through to him. If Magnus won't manage... he refuses to think further than that.…

Alec's been trying to shut everything out, all of Jace's words he can't deal with, all of his feelings, everything, but once they arrive at the loft and he is forced to remember what happened, he wasn't drunk enough to forget, he's suddenly panicked and runs inside, scanning the room for Magnus, finding him lying on the floor in their bedroom where Alec remembers them being last... and what he said... no... oh no... what has he done?

“Magnus!” He rushes to him, falls onto his knees, pulls Magnus' body into his arms and caresses his cheek. “Magnus?” He's not asleep, he's just... not responding... fear is clearly showing in Alec's eyes now and Jace watches helplessly.

“Magnus, come back to me, please, I'm so sorry, I'm so damn sorry... I didn't mean...” He did, he does... but never for this to happen... never this...

When Magnus opens his eyes, he doesn't have any recollection of where he's been, but he's aware of strong arms holding him, a big hand cradling half of his face, and a familiar smell... and that voice he couldn't forget in ten million years.

Alec feels how relief washes over him when Magnus' eyelids move upwards to reveal his cat eyes and he pulls him closer, burying his face in the crook of Magnus' neck, inhaling him deeply. “I'm so sorry.” He repeats a few times, then somehow heaves himself and Magnus up and onto their bed, somewhere in the back of his mind registering the sound of the doors shutting as Jace left the room.

He wraps his whole body around Magnus protectively, gently caressing the back of Magnus' neck as he looks at him, just gazing into his eyes, their faces so close they almost touch.

For a while Magnus is just lost in Alec's magnetizing hazel eyes, but memories of what happened slowly inch back into his mind until he avoids looking at him.

“Magnus?” Alec can sense the change in his boyfriend and he's instantly on edge again.

Magnus feels laid bare, robbed off all that made him who he was. But still, he is trying to stand back and be whatever, whoever Alec needs... even though he can't need this mere shell of Magnus he is reduced to now.

His eyes fly up to look at his Shadowhunter again, his skin is so ashen, dark rings under his eyes that seem void of most vitality, and Magnus feels a tremor inside him lured from the deep-seated angst of losing his Alexander.

“May I?” Magnus asks timidly, then moves his hand and a small blue flame flickers to life in his palm.

Alec's not sure what he means for a moment, but as his eyes stare at the flame he remembers all those times he was feeling exhausted, sick, injured, sore in some way, and Magnus would use his magic to soothe him. He doesn't need Magnus to do this now, though... he is... in no position to be fixed. And Magnus should be more concerned about himself, but when Alec looks up to argue his point, he's shut off by the intense look of a plea mingled with tender force and he nods curtly.

Magnus' fingers immediately start dancing calmly, starting over his stomach, alleviating him from the nagging of the alcohol and then the fingers glide upwards, over his chest and shoulder, to his neck, tense and sore muscles easing and a delicate sigh erupts from Alec's mouth as warmth spreads throughout him. A tiny smile tugs at Magnus' lips and his hand wanders further up to Alec's head but it doesn't quite arrive at its destination as Alec suddenly flinches and moves away into a sitting position.

The flame extinguishes immediately and Magnus moves up, as well, deep concern and confusion written all over his face.

“What's wrong?” Did Alec not want him near his head...? Memories of that awful day he tried to extract the evil magic from Alec's mind shoot into his head. But that was not intentional, and he would never hurt Alec willingly... and he wasn't going to do anything that could have hurt him in any way... so why? Does he not trust Magnus now...?

Alec just shakes his head but the fleeting expression of shame that crosses his face is enough for Magnus to know his assumption is right. He feels lanced through his heart.

“Why are you so determined to keep this from me? From Jace or anyone who cares about you? What are you so afraid of?”

Alec doesn't even know himself anymore. But there's something he realized. It's not just the nightmares, the killing, he is a killer after all. He was made to be one, obviously not to slay his loved ones, but there's something else, something that goes even deeper, and he doesn't think any weird magic is involved with that. It's him.

Something is very, very wrong with him, maybe always has been but now it's really showing. But he doesn't know what it is, can't give it a name, can't grasp it. And he's too terrified of digging any deeper. It makes his insides knot up and his throat choke painfully whenever he's only thinking about voicing it... and how should Magnus, or anyone else know, understand, if he himself can't make any sense of it at all?

“I'm fine, Magnus.” The words are spoken with an attempt to reassure him, but Magnus also hears the vigor behind them, the silent threat of 'Do not question me or I will lock myself up and you won't get a chance to get close again.'

A small, wicked, sarcastic laugh drenched in pity leaves Magnus' mouth, his golden eyes blaring.

“This is the most prominent lie you've ever told, Alexander, but you cannot lie to me, not to any of us, not even to yourself, and it is so disrespectful and shameful that you still would. I really believed we've come further than this...” His voice is laced with an indefinable ache and resentment.

He moves off the bed and stands facing Alec, opening his arms in a gesture of defeat.

“I can't go on like this. I have done everything, I have fought long past my limit, I am a high warlock, I am a fucking demon, I am one of the most powerful creatures to ever exist, and yet, I am weak. I'm an ocean dried of its last drop, I'm a desert without a corn of sand, I'm a night sky without a single shining star.” His arms fall limply to his sides, his eyes suddenly lifeless.

“I am broken, Alexander, I am more broken than I have ever been in all of my years... because of you. Not because of what happened to you, not because of anything you have no control of, but because of your silence... your blatant disregard and refusal to talk to me, or anyone. I can't take your scathing rejection and self-destruction anymore, and I know Jace can't, either. We cannot understand it... I have told you so many terrible things about me, what I've done... and you never left me... you never even looked in a way at me that made me feel unworthy... why do you think I would do that to you? I could not do that to you even if I wanted to... but this... I can't do this any longer... just help me understand, help me so I can help you.” Magnus' whole being is beseeching Alec to give into his plea.

What Alec feels must be similar to what it would actually feel like to have ones heart pierced through with a corkscrew.

And yet, there is only silence.

“I can't... I don't know what...” It's a meagre, pointless attempt at an explanation and Alec knows it, yet can't prevent it.

Magnus grows ice cold from the agonizing hurt that breaks out in him. His eyes glow dangerously, poked by fury.

“You do know I have the power to take those memories from you.” There is no more softness in his voice.

Blue sparks materialize in his palms, his eyes blazing with a wild warning, but he's not moving. Not yet.

Jace has been restless, going half out of his mind waiting and when he heard faint voices he cursed himself but eaves-dropped nonetheless. His gut tells him to get in there and so he does.

“Magnus, don't.” Jace puts a calm hand on Magnus' upper arm, willing him to stop something he would regret for the rest of his life, undoubtedly an indefinite time.

Magnus wavers and eventually discards of his magic. He takes a last despaired look at Alec then turns and leaves without a word.

Jace is left with a very dazed looking Alec, but words fail him, too. There really is nothing left to say. He heads out to find Magnus.

Alec stays behind in a state of abstruse consternation that leaves him immobilized.

* * *

Jace finds Magnus in his study, a room he's never dared to go in for some reason. It's full of ancient scripts, books, artifacts and magical items, and lots of things Jace has never seen before, even the furniture looks like it's seen a couple of centuries at least. And in a strange, otherworldly way, Magnus fits in here perfectly.

Jace's mouth opens to say something but Magnus already beat him.

“I'm sorry, but it's true what I said, I can't do this much longer and neither will you! This is beyond any  _Weltschmerz_ , any intolerable amount of  _unbändiges_ _Leid und Elend_! Sorry for the German, they do know how to express suffering at least...”

He chuckles heartbreakingly, sighs painfully, his shoulders shaking. “He is making me lose my mind, Jace. I'm going to just snap and-”

While Magnus is ranting, Jace steps closer and grips Magnus' upper arms tightly, waits until Magnus' crazed, pain-filled eyes look into his. “Magnus, we will find a way to get him back. Remember how hopeless we were before... when he was gone... he's not gone, he's here, right here, and we will find a way to save him, so he can save us in return.”

Jace hopes he isn't deluding Magnus and himself, there's so little strength for hope left within him, but even if there's only one tiny spark, as long as Alec is alive, it won't go out. Hope  _does_ die last.

Magnus shakes his head, closes his eyes and takes an anguished breath before he regards the Shadowhunter again, his eyes still full of woe but slightly more focused. “I sincerely hope you're right, my friend.”

Jace nods gravely. “Me too.”

* * *

Alec's mind is fogged from the boundless disorientation he experiences. At some point he gets up and walks into the training room, not knowing why, what he means to do here. He looks around as if he's seeing this place for the very first time. With hesitant steps he reaches the wall, sinks down against it and stares ahead.

There are noises in his head, boundless, relentless, he feels as if his eyes are being pressed out of his skull and he wants to just scream but on the outside he's unfazed, an ominous stillness settling over him.

He blinks, his body twitching once with that feeling of falling, suddenly awake. He glances around. He's in his training room... and... he mustn't think. He can't. He can't bear anything any more. His eyes fall on his music player. He reaches for it slowly, takes out the earphones and the last song he stopped on plays automatically. He doesn't turn it off.

  

Jace left when he saw he had several calls and messages from Izzy and Clary, not wanting to worry them much more and preferring to talk to them in person, and Magnus seems just composed enough to handle apologizing to Alec, which he's about to do when he hears the soft music coming from the training room.

He halts midstep in the open door, suddenly feeling incapacitated as the lyrics of the song that's playing penetrate his mind, his soul, making his blood curdle.

_And I'll build a fire, you fetch the water and I'll lay the table_  
_And in our hearts, we still pray for sons and daughters_  
_And all those evenings out in the garden, red, red, wine_  
_These quiet hours turning to years_  
  
_And I, I'll wrap myself around your heart I'll be the walls of his heart_  
_And I, I'll keep light on, to call you back home_  
  
_And I'll build a fire, you fetch the water and I'll lay the table_  
_And in our hearts, we still pray for sons and daughters_  
_And all those evenings out in the garden, red, red, wine_  
_These quiet hours turning to years_  
  
_And it's all to come, for now we're still young_  
_Just building our kingdom but it's all to come_

Magnus feels a spine-chilling, nearly fatal blow to his heart and he stumbles backwards, breath sucked from his lungs, being reminded of something he can't withstand. He snaps his fingers quickly and all that remains is a soft swish of air where he stood.


	33. Fires

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chap almost defeated me... only thanks to my Parabeta, who brought sense and order into it, did I eventually finish it. So frustrating and it's nowhere near as good as I'd hoped, but... gotta get it out of the way and hope for better next time. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who left kudos and comments!

Alec turned the player off a while ago, preferring the silence to stupid, heartbreaking love songs. It is short lived, however, as he hears the doorbell, over and over, but he doesn't move. He merely wonders why Magnus, or even Jace, aren't getting it. They should be here, shouldn't they?

His phone is ringing now. He doesn't remember where he left it, but it's his ringtone.

He pushes himself upwards, feeling wobbly on his legs and slowly steps into the living-room. He suddenly looks down on him, realizing he's still wearing Jace's jacket.

He shouldn't, but he's still feeling cold and wearing it gives him a meek sensation of comfort.

He finds his phone on the floor next to the couch. He bends down to grab it, the name on the display seems to recuperate him, his intuition telling him to open the door and as the doorbell goes again, he heads there.

“Alec, finally! I've been trying to reach you and Magnus for a while, what... the hell is wrong?” Lydia's staring at her best friend in shock at the state he's in. He looks ten times worse than when she last saw him.

Alec's riddled with emotions. Joy seeps through at seeing her, indescribable heartache threatens to swallow him whole and his throat is dry and closed up and he can't but vaguely move his head, gesturing uncoordinatedly as an attempt to communicate the sheer helplessness and disheartenment he's feeling.

She steps in, closes the door and puts her hands over his. “Alec, what happened?”

Again he can't form a single thought to explain, or force even a sound out of his mouth, growing more and more panicked.

“Hey, it's okay, come with me.” She takes his arm and leads him inside to the couch to make him sit.

“Lie down.” She gestures to her lap as she sits down herself.

He hesitates but he needs guidance, feeling utterly incapable. He lies on his back, his head in her lap and takes a breath.

She caresses his hair. “Just breathe, you're okay.”

He does a few times, and her presence more than anything else is calming him down again.

“Better?”

He nods.

“Good, where's Magnus?” She's concerned her friend isn't here with Alec. He never leaves his side if he doesn't have to, and even then...

He shrugs a little. “I don't know... we... he... I... I fucked up...” He swallows hard, his throat raw and tight, then a wispy breath leaves his lips.

“I'm destroying everyone.” He whispers and closes his eyes, a sordid soreness chipping away inside him.

“No, you're not, Alec.” She cups his cheek, looking at him intently as he looks back at her. “What happened?”

“Lydia, honestly, I am... Jace... and Magnus... they both told me and I know it... I've known it... but it's like... I just can't breathe... and not in a good way...”

Even now it hurts so much when he's trying to inhale enough air into his lungs. And he's completely lost and trapped inside himself, inside his own personal hell. Why can't he stop it? There's no Camille, Valentine, Alistair, Rayna or demon to blame this time, it's  _him._

Lydia's taking Alec's words in, her mind analyzing and trying to understand what he isn't saying more than his actual words, because she learned, that with Alec, when it's about himself, you have to read between the lines more so than with anyone else she knows, and she's usually pretty good at that.

She's also able to leave her emotions mostly out of this, and she hopes that maybe that will give her an advantage in getting to the root of all of Alec's torment. None of the others can do that, especially not Jace and Magnus, they simply feel too much for Alec, not that she could blame them, but he may need someone who isn't as extremely attached and dependent on him as they are. She really hopes so anyway.

“Tell me more.” Her voice is completely neutral, her body relaxed on the outside, to refrain, even unconsciously, from sending him signals he would interpret as disturbing her, resulting in silencing him in the end. She keeps caressing his hair.

Alec sighs wearily and tries to relax his aching body a little bit. “I'm... destroying Magnus because he loves me way too much and I can't give him a forever, and I'm destroying Jace because he's my Parabatai... and I won't ever break our bond, but I'm breaking  _us_ anyway... and the worst is... I can actually see myself doing it, I know what my words, or more often my silence is doing to them, I see it before it happens... but I still can't  _change_  it... how fucked up's that? It's like I'm doing it on purpose... and I don't even know whether that's right or wrong... maybe... maybe something's... maybe I've changed... and maybe it's irreparable... and maybe I'm just...”

He can't find the words and his mouth's so dry and it's all just so bad... but even attempting to talk to someone about this, someone who isn't directly involved, is beginning to change something in him he's not realizing, yet.

Lydia keeps quiet, just listening, willing him silently to go on. He does eventually.

“I just don't know who I am anymore. What's left of me when I take away the son, brother, Parabatai, Shadowhunter... love of someone's life...? And what if I can't be any of these things any longer? Everyone's expecting... so much... and ever since... I've come back... I haven't been able to fulfill any expectations... and... I keep making everything so much worse... I hurt everyone I love the most and I'm killing...” His breath catches in his throat painfully, compressing his guts, making him gasp.

All he sees are Magnus', Jace's, Izzy's, Max's and his parents' faces, dead eyes, their mouths corrupted in silent screams, their facial expressions distorted, all mingling into one horrifying grimace.

Lydia is still controlling herself, not saying a word, just takes one of his hand's and gently squeezes it.

“Alec, we're all the sum of our roles in life, our experiences and the people who touched us in good and bad ways. You don't really want to know who you are without this, because you'd probably be an empty shell, and no one wants to be that, and not everyone cares about you only if you give them something in return... it doesn't work that way. People who truly care about you, love you no matter what, at your best and your worst and without putting pressure on you to be a certain way. You are worthy of love, of unconditional love, even, especially when you're feeling your worst, you don't have to do anything to gain love... you simply are loved by the right people and you have a few of those already.”

Alec's shutting his eyes tightly, biting his cheek, willing those images away, focusing on Lydia's voice above her actual words, which he finds himself unable to believe just now.

His breathing evens out more, eventually, and Lydia's thinking of what to say that would get through to him.

“Alec, remember when we were in the underground prison? You were convinced that you would die there... but you didn't. You had no hope left but you still came out of it alive. You've always made it out of impossible situations, when you thought you were trapped and there was no way out, you made it anyway. You thought your Parabatai bond was broken, that you and Jace would never mend, but you did. You thought you'd be confined in a loveless marriage for the rest of your life, you thought you'd never be able to rescue Jace when Valentine took him, you thought you'd never find true love, you thought you'd never stand up to your parents or The Clave, you thought you'd never conquer your fear of being who you truly are and showing the world without giving a damn, or learning to stand above what anyone else said. You thought you'd never be truly happy, respected or accepted, and that you would never live up to the high standards people held you to. And guess what, Alec?  _You did._  You always found the strength in you that you needed, and it's still there, it's always there, you haven't changed. You've been battered and beaten and broken many times, and you know what you did? You took all that pain and turned it into your own personal friend and drew strength from it. You've always been familiar with pain and you strive through it, it makes you feel alive and as long as you feel that, you know you can become better and succeed in anything you put your mind to. But this... experience made you lose sight of that. I know it must be the most horrific misery to go through and no one can claim they know or understand... but you are still alive, and when you think about it, what it comes down to is pain you can take to fuel your purpose, your bravery and tenacity. You have everything you need, right here.” She stills her hand on Alec's head.

“And much more here.” She puts her other hand over his heart.

“You lost yourself somewhere in that maze you're trapped in, but you will find your way out, Alec, you always have, and the harder the challenge, the more vigor and willpower you find. I always wondered how you do it, but it doesn't matter how, you only have to remember and find it again.”

She's thinking to herself that finding yourself is sometimes as easy as starting from where you realized you didn’t know who you were. Finding anything always starts at the moment you lost it or realized you didn’t have it… maybe that's where Alec needs to start.

“Alec, start from the beginning.”

Beginning...? What does she mean? What beginning? Of this? When he vanished? Came back? Before?

Lydia can sense his confusion. “The beginning of your self-doubt and self-hatred.”

What... he doesn't know why she brings it up, he doesn't see the connection or why the past is relevant, or why she thinks it is. And it's always so painful, related to so much shame and guilt...

She can sense his avoidance. “Please, Alec, indulge me.” She says it casually, like it's no big deal at all.

He doesn't get it, but he relents to it, what does it matter now.

The beginning of... he can't remember not having such feelings towards himself, but they used to be minor compared to...

“I wanted to kiss Jace.”

They're both silent.

“I had these feelings I couldn't explain to myself, until I realized I really wanted to kiss him, and what that truly meant, and everything that would crumble beneath my feet if ever someone found out, if he did, my parents, The Clave... I did everything to get rid of them, to distract myself, I almost abandoned him because I was terrified of being close to him... but I realized that I was punishing him for something that was entirely my fault, so I just... took it, all the hurt of being with him, I took it and swallowed it and eventually took it out on myself. I guess that's when I really learned to use pain to my advantage, to punish myself for my feelings and also to learn how to cope with them... because I knew how much I would disappoint my parents and everyone else... I used to be scared of being stripped of my runes and exiled if anyone found out... I wasn't the successor my parents wished for anyway, and the times they were proud of me seemed to become fewer and fewer and crushing on my brother was just the worst I could have done, so I tried to lie to myself and pretend and forget... and whenever I couldn't pretend anymore... usually when I was alone at night and couldn't sleep and couldn't stop thinking about him, I felt so ashamed and wrong... I found a way to hurt myself physically, usually punching my hands bloody... and then I'd draw an Iratze afterwards and no one would see... I found better ways to cope eventually... and Izzy helped a lot, even though she didn't know... but I guess she did know... I mean, I'm not sure when she found out... she always knew me better than I knew myself...” At least for the most part.

Talking about this isn't easy and it brings back all those feelings he used to hide, until they almost crushed him. And he tried to make up for it, anything he could, he wanted to be the best but he was also terrified of that.

“I wanted to be seen, fulfilling every duty, every expectation, mastering every obstacle and responsibility... but I didn't want to be  _seen_. I always felt a pull in two extreme, opposite directions, and it was impossible to balance them out. I wanted to be in the background but I didn't want to be a mere shadow in Izzy's and Jace's light. I wanted to be praised for my achievements, but I didn't want to be the center of attention. I wanted to be myself, knowing I could never be true to myself. I wanted to protect my family, make them proud, give them reasons to love me because I didn't think I was worthy of love by just being me... because I was loathsome, my thoughts were, my feelings were, I'm such a disgrace...“ He sighs wretchedly, losing the flow of words again.

Lydia perceives immediately how Alec's words suddenly changed from past to present... so this is what he believes right now. Maybe this is the trigger she's been looking for.

It takes Alec several minutes to collect himself and his thoughts again, but there's a cord made of light now, winding itself through the thick darkness he's been confined in, and it is pushing further.

“Finding love was out of the question, I knew that. I knew the only thing I could maybe have for myself was a career and that's what I pursued, and you know that story... if Magnus hadn't come along when he did... but I didn't even do it for him. I'd hardly ever done anything for myself, just because I wanted something, if I couldn't justify wanting something, I simply couldn't have it... but I reached that point of no return, that now or never, and I couldn't have lived with the never option... I would have exploded or deteriorated... all those events leading to the wedding, all that shit with Jace and Izzy and my parents... Magnus pushed and pushed but because he cared so much, and I never understood why he did... he didn't even know me... but he saw something I never could see... and he saw what my life would be like if I kept denying myself and what I wanted... and eventually I could see it too and decided that I wouldn't live like that... for the first time I was... worth something more... I was worth something in my own eyes... and I kissed him for myself, for my own selfish need to be me and go for what I wanted in life... even though I hardly knew what that was, I was going to find out... he made me find that courage in myself, that strength I had no idea I had... and it made me... hate myself less...”

Lydia's holding her breath for a long moment. “And now?”

“I...” There's a knot tightening his throat.

“You feel worse about yourself?”

He nods, glad and at the same time horrified that she understands.

“Why?”

“I... don't know.”  _It's all my fault?!_

“I think you do, Alec.”

Silence.

“I think what happened to you, all of it, you internalized as guilt and shame and hatred towards yourself, and it's showing in you distancing yourself from the ones you think you failed the most, because you put such immense pressure on yourself to always be everything they need, and you lost the acceptance you gained before that it's okay for yourself to want and need things and people, and you're punishing yourself to a degree that will destroy not just you, but everyone who loves you, as well.”

She takes a long look at him, his eyes pointed up ahead, full of pain and helpless despair, moisture slowly blanketing his pupils.

She doesn't suppress her feelings any longer, hasn't been able to for a while. She leans down, kisses his forehead and closes her eyes as their heads lean together for a moment.

She can feel the shakes in his body, she can sense the moisture in his eyes growing, overflowing, and when he turns in her arms and buries his face in her stomach, his arms flinging around her to grip onto, she holds him desperately, her own eyes brimming with tears. 

* * *

Magnus went to see Ragnor, he needed to know how he was, if the sphere's vision was still haunting him as much as it was haunting Magnus again.

Thanks to Catarina's potions, Ragnor has been able to sleep better, but he hasn't been able to shake off the images and emotions attached to what he saw. He's trying to distract himself by reading, translating spells and helping Catarina to make potions and nurse a few animals and a warlock child back to health. But it is always looming in the darkness of his soul, and he did not have any advice for his old friend.

Magnus feels hollowed out.

He has lost sense of time as he steps through the portal back into the loft, his mind and heart in shambles, not knowing how he is going to face Alec again, but knowing he must...

He stares in complete shock as he becomes aware of Lydia sitting on the couch and Alec lying there, his upper body wrapped around her waist. What on earth happened while he was gone? He is joyed as much as jealous of her having yet again managed to somehow get close to him, when he himself feels like Alec and himself are standing on opposite edges of a huge crater, none of them able to cross over to the other side.

Lydia's smiling gently at him and he steps a little closer, noticing the softness of Alec's breath.

“Is he asleep?” He asks as quietly as he can.

She nods. “Yes, he has been for about an hour now.”

“No sign of any nightmares?” Magnus is alert, too trained on looking out for said signs, always feeling a tensity whenever Alec manages to fall asleep, hoping for once he will find peace he so desperately needs.

“None so far, we talked a little earlier."

Magnus watches her intently for a moment, the way she looks down at Alec, that certain vulnerability in her face that speaks of a truth she knows will wound someone else; this someone being Magnus.

“So, will you let me know what he said? Because I have tried and tried, everything I could think of, and all the answers I got were that he didn't know, or couldn't tell me.”

He doesn't mean to sound so bitter, but he's not half trying to conceal his hurt, because he doesn't have the energy to anymore.

“Magnus-” She starts but trails off as she sees the extent of Magnus' suffering strewn all over his face, his eyes unglamoured, yet lacking all of their vibrant brilliance.

“He didn't tell me everything that's making him like this... but I think what it comes down to is that he lost all self-worth he built up before... he's convinced that everything that's happened is his fault and he believes he's destroying you, Jace, everyone he loves and he doesn't see a way out. He's cornered in his own mind, and I don't know how to get him out, and it seems like some, maybe all of the things that fueled the loathing of himself before have resurfaced. It's just too much... it's too much for any one person to bear.

And she knows it's too much for Magnus, as well. And she wishes nothing more than to have the solution to heal them both.

Magnus is silent for the longest moment, letting that sink in, or trying to. He's staring at the back of Alec's head, pining for a way to look into his love's mind and, above everything, eradicate all that torment.

He leaves to the bedroom quickly, defeated once more, trying to hold onto Jace's words but he's hanging on by the thinnest of threads.

* * *

“ _Ohhhh Alexander.”_

“ _Alexander, wake up!”_

“ _Alec!”_

_He startles awake, sitting up on the couch. He's at the loft... he was here with Lydia... she's nowhere to be seen. He stands and looks around. “Lydia?”_

“ _She's not in this dream, or do you suddenly have the hots for her, after all? One could think she does for us the way she's coddling us, like we're a fucking infant.”_

_His own voice resounds with nasty mirth in his ears, but his dream self isn't showing, not yet anyway._

“ _Just leave me alone, I'm sick of you.” So sick and so tired. He rubs his face and sighs deeply._

_He should probably feel more anxious to be dreaming again, knowing what usually happens, but all he feels is drained from strength and the will to fight. Fight these dreams, fight himself, fight anyone or anything..._

“ _Don't give me that, Alec, you're sick of yourself and I am part of you, how many fucking times do I have to tell you? I'm really starting to feel offended here!”_

_Alec suddenly feels a push and he stumbles towards the balcony. “Just stop the games! What do you want? Who should I kill today, hm? I really don't care for your shit any longer! Just fuck off and annoy someone else!”_

_Hateful laughter rings out in his mind and he takes a few more steps backwards. He still can't see him, himself, whatever. He just wants to wake up and be done with this crap._

_He can hear a loud burst behind him, and before he can turn there's an icy wind swooshing inside, the balcony doors wide open. He brings an arm up to shield his face as he rushes to close the doors again, but instead he's pushed outside and collides with the banister, gasping and grabbing onto it to steady himself._

_It's freezing cold, billions of snowflakes whirling in the icy air, prattling against his face and body, he can hardly see anything. He wants to get back inside but the doors fall shut and as he tries to open them they're locked. He curses and turns back, fights his way back to the banister and tries to see something, anything, in the snow storm._

_There's nothing but white darkness._

_Intuitively he senses something, turns his head to the left and is about to duck or jump out of the way but he gets hit in the head before he can, falls to the ground and is unconscious for a while._

_When he comes to, the storm has vanished. As if it's never even been._

_He gets up, groaning in pain, holding his head which hurts like hell and slowly steps towards the banister._

_His eyes grow huge and his arm drops to his side, his head forgotten at the sight before him._

_Brooklyn, the city, is burning._

_There are red fires everywhere, angry flames climbing up buildings, an inferno spreading. Alec can't but gape at it, feeling the lethal heat as if it were right before him._

_His eyes suddenly lock onto something, he can't tell what it is. The minutest spot in the smoky sky. A black spot, gradually growing._

_It's moving, growing bigger, it's larger than anything he's ever seen. It's black, winding shape is turning... turning into... a sudden fireball shoots straight at his face. He's screaming._

  

“Ahh!”

Alec wakes suddenly, his body convulsing, shooting upright and dropping off the couch, Lydia can hardly react and she quickly kneels down beside him.

“Alec? Alec, it's okay! You're home, you're safe!” There was no sign of a nightmare until his outburst or she maybe could have done something, try to wake him up at least.

She helps him sit, his eyes aren't fully focusing yet, but he's calmer, realizing who she is and where he is. He blinks and meets her eyes, pulls her into a hug.

“Thank fuck, I... there was... so much fire...” He lets go of her, scrambles up onto his feet and rushes to the balcony, he just has to make sure... the air is crisp but not a snowflake in sight, and the city isn't burning. He takes a deep, relieved breath.

Just another stupid dream. At least he didn't kill anyone... he chuckles quietly to himself, this nightmare just never seems to end, no matter what is real or not.

“Did you dream of a fire?” She's beside him, watching him intently and he turns towards her.

“Yeah, the city was burning and then I woke up.” He rubs his face. “Well, I've had worse before.”

He makes it sound almost cheerful but there's a layer of deeply rooted grief underneath his words and her heart breaks a little for him.

She puts her hand on his arm for just a speck of comfort. “Well, nothing's burning, and Magnus came back.”

Alec's brow moves up in alert. Magnus... how can he face him now? He drove him to despair... to almost... do something... he doesn't blame him at all for that, he only ever blames himself.

“Where was he?” He asks quietly, looking ahead over the city again.

“I don't know, I didn't ask. You need to talk to him, Alec.” She urges him gently.

He keeps quiet, not looking at her.

“Alec? You have to, for both your sanity, please. You can't let this damage your relationship for good, it's not too late.”

She grabs his chin firmly and turns his face towards her. “Go and talk to him, he deserves this.” Her voice is strict but caring.

She hopes with a little tough love he may be moved to do what he has to more likely than by halfheartedly babying him.

Alec can't but meet her eyes, fierce determination and an unspoken command shining in them. He's always admired that in her... and he knows how much she cares... and she's always had a way of getting to him, and also giving him part of her courage he himself doesn't seem to have any left of.

He sighs deeply, purses his lips, closes his eyes for a moment and then smiles almost timidly at her.

“I love you, Lydia Branwell.”

Her face lights up at his words, knowing she did get through to him, at least partly.

“I love you, too, Alec Lightwood. Now go to your man.” She grins softly and pushes him inside, towards the bedroom.

As he's facing the sliding doors, he feels that familiar anxiousness and guilt wrap around his heart, but he can't let that hold him back, overpower him... right now he feels like he could maybe overcome it, if only some of it.

Anything must be better than what he's done so far... namely nothing. He lets more air fill his lungs before he grabs the doors, slides them apart and vanishes behind them.

 


	34. Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended song to listen to: Fleurie - Breathe
> 
> (Also the whole of the new Bear's Den album!)
> 
> Thank you very much for kudos, comments, support in any way and my awesome Parabeta AlyxHavok! <3

Magnus showered, dressed in a plain burgundy satin shirt that reveals part of his chest, and black slacks, and sat on the bed, lost in the darkness of his mind.  
   
Alec feels a shiver down his neck and spine as his eyes are taking him in. There's no makeup, no necklaces, no rings, not even his earcuff, and though Alec loves Magnus without all of that, the same as he loves him fully made up, it feels wrong and unsettling seeing him like it in this moment.  
   
Magnus' unfocused eyes staring ahead don't help Alec's unease, either. Does the warlock even know he's here?  
   
Alec steps a little closer, his heart beating out of his chest.  
   
“Magnus?”  
   
Alec's body is taut, flashbacks of when he found Magnus yesterday invading his mind, mingling with memories of his nightmares. A cold fright is creeping up from his gut to his throat, making it harder to breathe.  
   
Even though Alec didn't blink, he's startled when Magnus' golden, veiled eyes are suddenly looking up at him, he's shivering from the cold he feels inside.  
   
Alec's mouth opens slowly, but there are no words reaching his lips, his mind isn't granting him any.  
   
It's as if there is an invisible wall between them, and the acceptance of anguish showing on Magnus' face is too much to bear for Alec. This is what he did to him. His beautiful, magnificent, powerful warlock. He diminished his light and left him mourning in irreversible grief.  
   
It shocks him out of his daze.  
   
“Magnus... I can't bear how you give up everything for me... I don't deserve it, I never have...” His voice breaks as his lips quiver, and his throat feels like razor blades as he swallows.  
   
Magnus closes his eyes for a second or two, feeling dizzy with yet more cutting sadness Alec's words elicit within him.  
   
He forces them to focus on the Shadowhunter's face again.  
   
“Maybe that is the root of everything that's gone wrong, Alexander. Because even though I tried everything I could think of, I still failed to make you see, to make you believe how special you are, how you deserve to have everything in every world, every good and beautiful thing, because you are everything good and beautiful. I failed you and I don't have the words to tell you how much that breaks my heart.”  
   
Right in this moment he can feel it shatter again, but he feels too crushed to even care.  
   
“Magnus, don't. You haven't failed me! It's nothing you did or didn't do, you've loved me so completely... it's me. There's something wrong with me, something bad and dark and rotten, maybe I just can't be... saved... that isn't on you, though! You've always given me everything, been everything, so much more than I ever thought I could have. You're perfect to me, Magnus, but I'm too shabby and weak and I wanted to pretend that I could be worthy of you but obviously I can't-”  
   
Alec's flinching with the shock of Magnus' sudden movement. He's standing right before him, his golden eyes keeping him in place, riveting him.  
   
Magnus raises his hand suddenly, in his palm a tiny blue spark. Alec's prepared for anything now, knowing he owes Magnus everything, and whatever Magnus needs of him, no matter what it may do to himself, he's willing to give...  
   
To Alec's surprise, Magnus places his palm over Alec's heart, robbing him of the air in his lungs.  
   
Almost unnoticeably, cautiously, sensations seem to flow into Alec. Emotions so tender, euphoric and overwhelming, he becomes encompassed by them.  
   
He feels invincible, courageous, whole, trusted, perfectly safe and protected, loved dearly and unconditionally, ardently adored, completely admired, desired and intimately devoted.  
   
Hot liquid is crammed behind his eyes, he's filled with an all-consuming warmth and his soul is stirred in inexplicable raptures.  
   
“Wha... what is that?” His voice is but a faint wisp of breath.  
   
“The way you make me feel, Alexander. Every emotion you give to me, everything you are to me. I can't show you the way I see you or how you make me see myself, or I would have a long time ago... but I've been working on this, transferring my feelings for you, because of you, and it's not just me. Everyone who loves you sees you in similar ways, feels similar about you. This is what you gift us with, so how can you say you're not deserving? How can you think you're not worthy? How can you still not know?”  
   
Tears are spilling from Magnus' eyes without him realizing it, too entranced by Alec's  
astonishment.  
   
Deep, hardened pain, grief and sorrow are mixing with the magical sensations Magnus is showing him, making Alec's own tears overflow finally, wrecking his whole being.  
   
Magnus takes his hand away and closes his arms around Alec, gently placing his head on the taller man's shoulder.  
   
“It's alright, my love, I got you.” He whispers as Alec's dire sobs are shaking both of their bodies and souls.

* * *

“I want to go see Alec now! The cats do, too! We're sick of waiting!”  
   
Max storms into the room where he knows his siblings, Simon and Clary are in, no doubt talking about Alec and all kinds of secrets they don't want him to know and he is so mad at them for it!  
   
“Max, Alec isn't-” Izzy tries to console him but he doesn't even let her finish.  
   
“Don't lie to me, I'm not an idiot and I'm sick of all of your lies! We'll go on our own then!” He turns and runs off, Chairman Meow and Church on his heels.  
   
“Shit, Jace we gotta go.” Izzy is pleading with her brother who sighs heavily and nods.  
   
Simon holds Izzy back as the other two leave to follow Max.  
   
“Simon? What is it?” She inquires, concerned about her boyfriend's serious look.  
   
“I think I'll stay, there's something going on with Raphael and I wanna find out what it is. Is that okay?”  
   
Izzy smiles, cups his cheek and kisses him for a long moment.  
   
“Of course, just let me know what you find out! See you later!” She smiles at him, then dashes after her siblings.  
   
Simon smiles after her then heads to Raphael's office. He can hear two familiar voices and silently holds his ear against the thick wooden door, his vampire senses sharpening at once.

* * *

“Lucian, we need to talk.”  
   
Raphael's pacing his office when the werewolf leader arrives. He watches the tall, dark man close the door, a crease on his brow.  
   
“What is it, Raphael?”  
   
The vampire comes straight to the point. “There's someone in Vienna, a vampire I've come across a few times, long story, not relevant right now. But he contacted me because last night there were demons in the city. They haven't seen demons for a few decades, and he's rather concerned. He thinks they were looking for something and probably found it.”  
   
Luke's frown grows with every word.  
   
“That is strange, indeed, but what exactly does that have to do with us?”  
   
“It probably doesn't, but it may concern Magnus, which is why I'm asking your opinion.”  
   
Luke nods, suddenly sensing someone very familiar to him. He gestures Raphael to wait and pushes the door open. “Still haven't learned that eavesdropping is dangerous business, Simon?”  
   
Simon is rubbing his head where the door caught him, blushing furiously. “Uh, I was just... close by and...”  
   
Raphael glares his mouth shut, and Luke shakes his head, closing the door once again.  
   
“Please, continue, I'll be quiet.” Simon assures them, needing to know what happened.  
   
Raphael wants to strangle him for the millionth' time, but they have a more pressing issue to discuss.  
   
“The demons infiltrated the Belvedere Museum, but they seem to have only been interested in one room, the archive, which has been a centuries old part of the museum the owners basically stuffed all kinds of old stuff into they didn't know what to do with because they either couldn't tell what it was or thought it had no value to them. All of this only got my attention because I know Magnus used to go there, looking for something he never found. He also never told me what it was but I have a feeling it concerned his father and the other Princes of Hell somehow.”  
   
“And you think those demons found what he was looking for? That seems quite a reach, what makes you think those dumb creatures could find what Magnus of all warlocks couldn't?”  
   
Raphael's own thoughts are mirrored in Luke's words. However, there's something his werewolf friend seems to have forgotten right now.  
   
“Alistair. Those demons were there because he sent them, I'm sure of it, and he must have known what was there and what power it possesses if he wanted it. And I think we have to tell Magnus and find out what exactly that is.”  
   
Luke looks alarmed now. “You think there is something we need to worry about more than Alistair having the Mortal Cup?”  
   
“I think, if the Mortal Cup isn't enough power for him, yet, he may just have found the one thing that can give him more.”  
   
They share a long, understanding look before Luke sighs, and looks between his vampire friends.  
   
“There's something else we need to worry about I just found out. Unfortunately, it's also about Magnus.”  
   
Raphael's expression darkens dangerously as Luke fills them in, while Simon grows more and more anxious.

* * *

He's aware of long fingers caressing his hair, sending exquisite shivers through him. A warm body he's resting on, long, powerful legs enclosed around him, keeping him safe.  
   
They ended up lying on their bed, Magnus whispering soothingly to Alec while they both cried and clasped one another.  
   
Moist remnants of tears are pasted on their faces, their lashes finely sticky.  
   
Alec draws in a deep-seated breath he's been unable to grasp before this point, always at risk of suffocating.  
   
His hand is clamped in Magnus' satin shirt, his cheek lying on the warlock's exposed part of his chest.  
   
Alec's frame of mind resembles reverence and wonderment. He doesn't have any chance left to deny what Magnus showed him earlier, the magic, the feelings ingrained in his bones, forgetting them unimaginable.

Alec turns his head slowly, his lips connecting with Magnus' skin and he places an open-mouthed kiss there and another as he deliberately, languidly, moves upwards, a row of tender kisses, trailing from Magnus' chest along his throat to his chin, which Alec softly nudges with his nose, inclining Magnus' head to tilt back, giving Alec more room to explore.  
   
Fine, short gasps escape Magnus' mouth as Alec's lips continue to shower his neck, throat and jaw with affection, hot breath and feathery touches, delicious tingles spreading over Magnus' skin, right into his core.

His hands are stroking Alec's hair and back through his t-shirt, having discarded Jace's jacket earlier.  
   
Magnus wishes they could just get stuck in this moment, never having to deal with anything on the outside again. Now that, he thinks, he's got Alec back... at least a part of him he wasn't sure he'd get through to anymore.  
   
Magnus becomes aware of Alec just looking at him and he opens his eyes, gazing right into mesmerizing hazel ones, dark and enigmatic in the dim light.  
   
Magnus cups Alec's cheek, noticing the way Alec's gaze drops to his lips but he's not making a move to kiss him.  
   
“What is it, love?” He asks carefully, hoping their fragile mend won't tear already.  
   
Their eyes connect once more.  
   
“I just don't wanna kiss you like this.”  
   
Magnus' forehead molds into a deep frown, unable to ascertain what Alec means by that.  
   
“Uh, I mean... my breath is still pretty foul from that toxic shit.”  
   
Magnus' face softens immediately, his lips curling into a grin at Alec who is looking positively adorable blushing like this.  
   
“I think I can rectify that.”  
   
He snaps his fingers and Alec's eyes widen, then his face lights up with a smile.  
   
“Thanks, I much prefer minty breath.”  
   
Magnus nods. “Please don't get drunk without me or Jace, or someone you trust again.” Magnus' face is laced with concern and Alec looks guilty, nodding in consent.  
   
“I won't... promise.”  
   
Magnus smiles fondly at him, knowing he means it, and lifts his head, grazing Alec's lips with his own.  
   
He can feel how Alec's about to really dive into the kiss when they both startle at the doorbell ringing.  
   
They listen closely and soon make out several voices.  
   
“Lydia must have answered it... I guess we should check.”  
   
Magnus can hear the regret in Alec's voice, feeling the same in every pore of his body. He wants to just be with Alec and nothing and no one else interrupting them.  
   
Magnus' phone buzzes as Alec's moving off him and the bed and he quickly magicks it into his hand, reading the message.  
   
“Raphael needs to speak with me.” It sounds urgent and he really just wants to ignore it, not in any mood to face even more trouble, but he knows he can't.  
   
“You should go, I can deal with our guests.” Alec responds immediately, watching as Magnus gets off the bed, magicks more clothes onto himself and nods reluctantly.  
   
“I'll be back as soon as I can.” He quickly opens a portal but before he can step through, Alec grabs him, turns him around and clashes their mouths together for a drawn out moment, leaving them both breathless and craving for much more.  
   
“Take your time... but hurry.” There's so much they have to talk about still, so much he needs to tell Magnus... Alec smiles a little, gently pushing Magnus towards the portal.  
   
“I will.” Magnus promises just before he loses sight of Alec.  
   
   
When Magnus is gone, Alec sighs, runs a hand through his hair and over his face and turns to the doors, pulling them open.  
   
He's not especially surprised to find his siblings and Clary in their living-room, their eyes instantly piercing him, looking him over to get a feel for how he's doing. The cats are brushing up against his legs and he crouches down to stroke them.  
   
“Where's Lydia?” He's trying to figure out how to be and what to say to them, and inquiring about their missing friend gives him a little more time to gather his wits and courage.  
   
“She just left as she got a call, not sure who from.” Clary supplies, smiling a little at him and her smile really reaches her eyes as he returns it.  
   
He collects his strength and straightens again.  
   
“Guys, please sit down, there's something I need to tell you.”  
   
Alec's watching his siblings intently, connecting with each pair of bright, curious, concerned eyes. Maybe he was, or is deserving of their love, but he hasn't been for a while... and somehow he needs to fix this, but more so he needs them to know how important each single one of them is to him.  
   
“Jace, I thought about what you said, in the cafe, about... how you feel about me.” Alec watches Jace nod in understanding.  
   
“I think you are wrong, though. I know you love me, and I know you think you love me the most, but... you do, and you don't.”  
   
Alec knows he's making a mess of this already and it's clearly showing on Jace's confused face.  
He rubs the back of his head, inhales and starts again.  
   
“I don't love any of you less than anyone else, it's not a competition.”  
   
He looks at Isabelle, her dark eyes trying to follow him.  
   
“You were my first love, Izzy. And you my second.” He looks at his Parabatai again, and then his eyes rest on Max.  
   
“And you my third. And I love you all the most, just in different ways, because you're each unique and special, and so I love each of you in a way I don't love anybody else. But not any less... and it's not like I love Magnus more than any of you... I simply love him in a way I don't love anyone else. And I really think it's the same for you, Jace, or anyone really. Just think about it. You don't love Izzy or Max in the way you love Clary, and that's how it's supposed to be, but you love Clary the most in the way that you do love her... and it only matters what we do feel and what we're willing to give for each other... and sometimes all we can do is just be there and love one another for who we are, unconditionally, and that's enough... I know it should have been enough for me, and I'm so endlessly sorry for sending you all through hell over and again...”  
   
He quickly holds up a hand to silence his siblings who were all about to say something. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.  
   
“Just let me finish, please, guys.” He looks at them again and is a little relieved when he sees them nodding.  
   
His eyes fall on Jace again. “I think you're also wrong about me not being happy before Magnus... I was happy. Whenever I was with you guys, I was happy, because you made me. You were always the reason for me to go on, to be the best I could be in whatever way, for the three of you... and all that I was hiding... it could and would have been worse if not for you, you helped me through it all. And I know I should have trusted in you more... I was just numb with fear and I disliked myself too much... but I always had a purpose, much more than our parents, rules and laws, you guys have always been my focus, my most important mission... my whole life. You have always been my life's purpose and I know I never told you any of this, but... you need to know now, you need to know without the three of you I simply would've given up a long time ago...”  
   
Again he's gazing into their eyes, making sure they understand.  
   
“Izzy, I remember the first time I consciously saw you, dad was lifting me up so I could look into your crib. I was about two, I think, and I remember feeling excited, in awe... you were awake and your eyes were open wide, you had such big eyes anyway, really deep... and they were just moving about but you must have noticed me and you looked at me and our eyes met and I remember I didn't breathe for a moment and then I held out my hand to yours and you grasped my fingers and ever since you were the love of my life, my whole world, and that never changed. My world simply expanded, with Jace and Max, and now there are people in it I never even considered possible.”  
   
He glances to where Clary's sitting in the armchair, listening and smiling at him, her cheeks flushed.  
   
His eyes find Jace's again.

  
“Jace, obviously I didn't instantly love you like Izzy or Max. I didn't even particularly like you at first, but you were there and I had to deal with it. I saw you as a mission, I guess, another obstacle I had to overcome to gain approval and become a worthy Shadowhunter. I never told you this, but being invisible and overlooked most of the time wasn't always a bad thing for me... I heard a lot of Shadowhunters talking about you, and what had happened to you, not that I believed everything, but it became clear that you had gone through some extremely traumatizing shit and that made me look at you differently... and some were saying that you'd never become a proper and worthy Shadowhunter and that my parents were wasting their time on you, and that really got me to want to protect you, I guess... and help you succeed because in a way I felt connected to you then, not like we had been through the same thing, but in a way, I never quite could explain to myself, I just wanted us both to show everyone who doubted us what we were capable of, that we could be so much more, so much better than them and what they believed... that's why I stuck by you and didn't say anything when you slashed my eyebrow, and you're right, I didn't keep the wound to punish you, but as a reminder to myself of what I was willing to do and where my limits were, and I wasn't willing to hurt you... I felt some of your pain through all your anger, and I wanted to push through that and help you overcome it, and I tried the only way I knew how... and I grew to love you in ways I'd never imagined...”  
   
He smiles timidly, glad when he sees Jace's smile and the brightness in his eyes. He swallows a lump in his throat and turns to his little brother, who's looking at him with wide eyes.  
   
“Max, you were such a surprise, in the best way possible. You came along when the three of us were all struggling with expectations and self-doubts and a lack of self-worth, and you were so good and pure and expanded our world in a way we didn't know before, you brought us such joy and made us fight harder for you, for your future and also ourselves, and none of you can ever doubt how important you have been to each other, no one can take that from you, and no one can break these bonds you share...”  
   
“We share, Alec, the four of us.” Izzy is quick to interject and they're all on their feet, surrounding their older brother.  
   
Alec exhales deeply and nods. Yes, they're his world, his life, his everything and where he belongs... and he will not hurt or disappoint them again... not if he can help it.  
   
The moment he holds out his arms, all three of them are clinging to him and he's holding them so tight, closing his eyes and soaking up their love and strength and devotion.  
   
The last knot in his throat dissolves, allowing him to finally breathe easy.

* * *

When Raphael fills Magnus in on the Vienna issue, his friend seems puzzled but not overtly concerned.

“There wasn't anything there, Raph, you know that.”  
   
“How can you be so sure? Aren't there spells to conceal things even you wouldn't find without knowing the spell or how to undo it?” Raphael challenges him.  
   
“Well, yes, but I did consider every possible option, and there was nothing there, as I told you.”

“So, why would that lunatic send his hell minions there? How would he even know to look there?” Raphael won't let it go that easily.  
   
That's one thing Magnus doesn't know the answer to. He shrugs, nonchalantly, however.  
   
“Maybe he was bored or culturally deprived.” He quips, making Raphael glare at him.  
   
“Well, if there's nothing else, I have places to-”  
   
“Magnus, there is another urgent matter.” Luke interrupts him, arms crossed before his chest.  
   
Magnus sighs and turns towards his other friend.  
   
“Yes? I hope it's more troublesome than the brat's booboo.” He smirks at Raphael's outraged demeanor.  
   
“Magnus, this is no damn joke-” The vampire almost growls at him before Luke silences him with a gesture.  
   
“None of this is a minor issue, Magnus, and you of all people should realize that. Now, this does concern you directly. I'm sorry to tell you this, but I have it on good authority that someone is out to have you killed. Apparently there's a bounty on your head.”  
   
Magnus blinks, then his face contorts into a laugh, making Raphael and Luke watch him bewildered.  
   
“Is that so? Well, I better watch my head then.” The warlock chuckles amusedly.  
   
“Dios mio, what the hell is wrong with you, Magnus? This is no fucking joke, it's serious, someone wants to see you dead, muerto! Comprende?” Raphael's about to punch his idiot of a friend.  
   
“Hold your horses, there is no such thing as a bounty on my head. Probably just a false rumor to mislead you. I know who wants me dead, and she certainly doesn't need to promise any bounty to get the job done, she's got our favorite lunatic to take care of it, after all.”  
   
Raphael and Luke are gaping at their friend.  
   
“What?” Raphael.  
   
“Who?” Luke.  
   
In that moment the door opens and Lydia walks in with Simon in tow. “I found this nosey vampire snooping, so what's going on here?”  
   
Magnus sighs sorely.

* * *

The five of them got some juice and sandwiches and do a bit of small talk in the living-room, the heaviness of Alec's words still with each single one of them, but there's lightness also, and they're grasping it desperately.

“Have you been drawing anything recently? You'll have to show me what I've missed sometime soon.” Alec's addressing his red-headed friend with a gentle smile.  
   
“Oh, yeah, I mean, I've done some doodling and stuff... but lately I've been working on another rune, which is pretty-”  
   
“Guys! There's something going on at the Hotel, Simon says we should head there.”

Izzy interrupts alarmed and they're all on their feet immediately.  
   
Jace is pulling on his jacket he retrieved from Alec and Alec's grabbing a coat and scarf and his bow, quiver, blade and stele. He meets Jace's worried look but his Parabatai doesn't say anything and they don't really have time to waste.  
   
They arrive without any incident and are pointed to where the others are still talking, rather heatedly by now.

“I thought you were friends, or at least on good terms with her, how can she want you dead?!” Raphael.  
   
“What did you do to direct her wrath on you?” Simon.  
   
“Seriously, Magnus, why are you not giving a shit about any of this?!” Raphael again, even louder.  
   
Alec doesn't lose any more time and pushes the door open, stepping inside, taking everyone in for a moment. “What the hell is going on here? Who wants who dead?”  
   
Magnus is showing signs of despair now, he didn't want to involve anyone else – especially not Alec!  
   
He's shooting a warning glare at his vampire friend but Raphael is unfazed and facing the newcomers now.  
   
“The Seelie Queen is in cahoots with Alistair to kill Magnus.”


	35. From Bad To Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you <3

“What!? But you said you're allies, that she trusts you, why would she want you dead?”

Magnus' glare directed at Raphael vanishes as his eyes come to rest on Alec. There's pain in them, and regret, and shame.

“Yes, and we were, and she did, but apparently not any longer.” His response is vague on purpose as he's filled with trepidation to let all of his friends know the reason.

There's a growling whine coming from the floor next to Magnus and when he spots Church, the cat shoots him an accusing look and deliberately turns the other way, whereas Chairman Meow is jumping onto Magnus' shoulder, rubbing his head against the warlock's, expressing concern and affection.

Magnus rolls his eyes at Church and pets the Chairman's head, all too aware of too many eyes on him.

“That's why the hellhounds tried to kill you, I knew there was more to it.” Izzy steps up, watching Magnus closely.

He just nods, not seeing why he should deny the obvious.

“I didn't know it was her then, but I suspected the armor the hounds wore was made of a unique Seelie material, and I went to see her and... let's say she confirmed that she doesn't like me much anymore, too bad, but things happen.” He says nonchalantly, as if it were a mere conflict of opinions between them.

Raphael snorts scornfully, mad at Magnus' attempts to belittle the issue.

“Not liking you anymore and wanting you dead is quite a big difference, Magnus. What happened?” Luke inquires, clearly worried for his friend.

Alec's been listening and watching Magnus quietly, and of course he gets that they all want to know, but he can read all the unease that is pouring off of Magnus, though he is trying his best to hide it. His eyes come to rest on Magnus' unoccupied hand where two fingers are frantically rubbing together.

He doesn't hesitate any longer, moves, takes Magnus' hand and pulls him to the next room, the Chairman jumping off Magnus' shoulder just before the door closes behind them.

 

He hopes he has more chance of finding out what happened on his own, in case Magnus still trusts him enough, or rather, can set aside his dire need to keep everything away from Alec to protect him.

Alec keeps Magnus' hand in his, softly caressing his knuckles, his eyes holding Magnus' firmly.

“Please just treat me like someone who won't break from learning your secret and trust me with it.”

Magnus' jaw clenches as he's struggling within himself. He doesn't want to burden Alec any more than he already is. He doesn't want to have to tell him what he did. He doesn't want to have to deal with it above everything else. He doesn't want to feel what telling him would inevitably trigger.

He also wants to tell him what he saw in the sphere's vision so badly and also never at all; it is ripping him apart, slowly and excruciatingly, like a condemned being torn apart by horses in the good old days.

He may be exaggerating a little, but he knows what agony feels like.

“I did something very stupid... and quite awful... and she has a right to hate me... I just didn't think she would go quite so far, but I guess given the right opportunity, it is understandable.” He swallows hard, averting his eyes from Alec's.

“Magnus, what could be so awful to want to kill you? Please, you have to tell me! I have to know to protect you, please!” Alec's frightened for Magnus and about learning what 'awful' thing he possibly could have done...

Magnus braces himself, meets his boyfriend's eyes again and shakes his head slowly.

“No, if I tell you, I'm only giving her reason to kill you, too, and I won't let that happen.”

No one, especially not Alec, will come to harm for his mistake, he'd rather offer himself to her.

Alec's growing more anxious and desperate now, he lets Magnus' hand go and takes his face into his hands instead, boring his eyes into the warlock's glamoured ones.

“I can't accept that, Magnus, and you can't deny that truthfully she would think I know anyway, probably all of us, and regardless of you telling anyone, she'd not believe, if we were captured by her, that we don't know anything. So, just tell me.”

He leans in and kisses him tenderly for a moment, then steps back fully, giving Magnus some space.

Magnus' teeth are crunching for a moment, a clear sign to Alec how crucial his inner battle is.

Magnus closes his eyes, letting a choked breath free. Alec is right and still he doesn't want him to know, but he knows his reasons aren't only selfless.

“Is it... worse than you accidentally hurting Izzy?” Alec asks suddenly into the quiet and Magnus' real eyes flare up for a moment then diminish.

He nods in defeat.

“Much worse... I... look, there's something no one but the Seelies know... not even all of them... it's a secret she entrusted me with, because I used to be the only one she could trust and help her keep it hidden... but I broke that trust she had in me and now she deems me to be her greatest threat she seeks to eliminate, and were I in her place, I might even feel the same way...”

Flashes from his vision invade his mind once more and he has to brutally shove them away, seemingly harder each time.

“Magnus... what's her secret? Maybe we can use it against her, to make sure she doesn't harm you.” Alec's growing even more distressed now, but is doing his best to stay calm on the outside, if he freaks, Magnus won't tell him anything else.

The warlock finally comes to a decision, any available option being disconcerting.

“Ten years ago the Seelie Queen sought me out, she was frightened and desperate and she promised me payment I knew she didn't possess which also told me how serious her request was. I followed her and she showed me her secret...”

Alec is holding his breath, his whole body tense in anticipation.

Magnus inhales deeply. “The Seelie Queen's secret, she's guarding with her life, is that... she has a son. No one apart from myself, and now you, knows about this, she doesn't even trust all of her own people with the knowledge. I helped her conceal him from the rest of the world. She would never tell me why, but it became pretty clear to me that she was scared of his father finding out about his son, but I never found out who he is, and frankly, I didn't care that much.”

Alec's mouth opens slightly as he stares at Magnus. He has never heard about the Seelie Queen having children... he is sure that it's true, and no one else knows... he's pretty stunned and very curious now. Who could be the father and why would she try so hard to keep their son a secret?

He almost forgot about the one thing Magnus didn't tell him, yet.

“What's the reason?”

Magnus' expression feigns ignorance for a moment, but Alec's not having that.

“Why does she want you dead, Magnus? Tell me.”

Magnus turns and takes a few steps, turns again and comes closer again, visibly nervous. Alec watches him closely, hoping he will be able to ease Magnus' mind a little once he told him what he did. It can't be that bad... please.

“I... I threatened him... I threatened her son's life... you can imagine why that didn't go down well with her.”

Alec's eyes grow wide. What? Why would Magnus ever do... that. NO!

Magnus immediately perceives where Alec's drawing his conclusion and steps closer, cupping the Shadowhunter's cheeks as he did Magnus' before.

“Alexander, stop this right now! You have nothing to do with it. I was out of my mind at the time and didn't much care for anything, and that is my mistake, not yours, and I won't allow for you to blame yourself, understood?”

Magnus' true eyes are piercing Alec's and the young man tries to push those welled up emotions down again.

“But... you did it because you were looking for me, weren't you?” Alec asks quietly, non-judgmental, a simple request. There isn't anything truly simple about it, though.

“Alexander... I believed a rumor I heard which was a ludicrous thing, and being the brash fool I can be, I jumped right at it, without thinking it over or asking for help. I went there and took her son and threatened to hurt him, and that is unforgivable. She let me leave, probably because she owed me, and I thought we had come to a truce. I did apologize and I meant it, but evidently she's got a different understanding.

However, I'm sure Alistair is planning more than my demise right now, so let's not worry too much about my life when we have thousands of lives to worry about, alright?” He leans in and kisses Alec fervently, needing the closeness, needing to know he still doesn't resent him.

Alec doesn't, and despite the situation, his hands grip Magnus' hips, pulling him tighter against himself, feeling touch-starved.

They part breathlessly, and Magnus' enchanting little smirk sends a blissful shiver along Alec's spine, but it's not enough to make him forget.

“I will worry about those thousands of lives, and yours, and I think our best option-” He suddenly finds two fingers on his lips, silencing him.

“Please, let's just wait with the scheming until it really comes to that. Alistair may not even be interested any longer. Granted, the hellhounds were rather surprising, but not enough to make sure of my death. We really should be more concerned about his original plan.”

Alec isn't happy with that, he'd rather make plans for any possible scenario, but something in Magnus' eyes makes him nod his head in agreement, for now.

“Thank you, love.” Magnus kisses him again gently, then takes Alec's hand, entwining their fingers and leads him back to their more than curious friends.

 

“What, no one spied on us?” Magnus asks sarcastically, reaping mostly disgruntled looks in return.

“Raphael told us about the museum, I think we should head there and check it out, just in case.” Jace steps forward, looking from Magnus to Alec, hoping his Parabatai could make their warlock friend see more sense.

Magnus is sending a venomous look to Raphael, royally pissed at him for telling them about the Queen but even more so for worrying them more about Vienna.

“What museum?” Alec is frowning.

“And what about the Seelie Queen?” Izzy is pressing on, wanting to know why she would get into bed with someone like Alistair to get rid of her best friend.

“Everyone, quiet!” Magnus imagines he'll get a migraine soon.

“The Seelie Queen is not of anyone's concern right now. As I told Alexander, I doubt Alistair is truly focused on killing me, he has other, more urgent matters to attend to, and those aren't creating new Shadowhunters like Valentine used to. We all know he can control demons, but not all of them, not the mighty ones, but he may look for a way to do that anyway.”

“Is there a way to control mighty demons?” Max steps forward now, looking a mix of curious and frightened at the mere image of someone being able to do that.

Magnus softens and ruffles the boy's hair. “No, I used to think there was, but I never even found a trace of evidence for it, and I'm sure Alistair won't, either.”

Max nods, trusting his friend's words.

“Nevertheless, I will go to this museum and check it out, just so you can sleep peacefully at night.” Magnus looks rather disdainful at Raphael who rolls his eyes, huffing.

Magnus holds up a hand, knowing they will all immediately volunteer to come with him, but he already knows who he wants.

“Lucian, would you do me the honor to accompany me? You're a detective after all.” And he knows Luke won't annoy him with questions he doesn't want to answer.

Magnus is satisfied when he sees the werewolf leader nod. “I will also take Alexander, and you.”

Simon blinks at Magnus pointedly looking and gesturing at him, then stares for a moment. “Me?”

“Why him?” Jace asks skeptically.

“I need a vampire in case we encounter any over there.” Magnus says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

“So I'm going, I know their leader.” Raphael steps up, arms crossed, daring Magnus to deny him.

“That may be true, but I really can't stand you right now, so you're staying here or none of us will go at all.” Magnus deadpans, his eyes flaring up.

“Guys, just calm down, alright? There's no reason to get at each other's throats.” Alec steps between Magnus and Raphael who sends a glare his way, as well, but then turns away in a sulk.

“Fine, let's go on this pointless adventure to come back and throw ourselves into another one.” Magnus is clearly very thrilled and Alec sends him a 'Please behave' glance.

Magnus screws up his face but stays quiet, his hands dancing to open a portal instead, then he grabs Alec's hand and steps through without waiting for anyone else.

* * *

“Wow...” Simon's eyes are huge and bright, his mouth dropping open before the corners lift into an astonished smile.

“Quite.” Alec concedes next to him, letting go of his hand. Before he disappeared with Magnus, he was perceptive enough to urge Simon and Luke to grab onto him and each other, knowing Magnus would portal them somewhere specific, which he did.

All four of them are looking around the huge room they find themselves in. There's a large chandelier with thousands of crystals above their heads, lit with dozens of candles, warm light illuminates the large portraits of all kinds of historic figures, young and old.

There are countless adornments on the floor, the high ceiling and the navy blue and golden walls, golden patterns, lion heads, drawings and scrollwork.

And, there are people, dozens of them. “Shit, we better- wah!” Simon jumps, his reflexes working for him as a couple of very smart looking men walk right through him. His face scrunches up in bewilderment.

“Don't worry, Simone, I wasn't born yesterday. No one in this room can see or hear or even run into us by accident.” Magnus smirks wickedly at Simon and pulls Alec along, right through a wall.

“Magnus, wait- shit... we can go through walls now?” Alec inquires in astonishment, waving his unoccupied hand, watching in fascination as it goes through the wall as if it were air.

Luke and Simon appear, both looking awed.

“Just until the spell wears off, which will be very soon, so follow me.”

While quickly catching Alec up on the happenings at this place, Magnus leads the way down into the basement where it's dark, dusty, old and musty and nothing of the grandeur of the hall above remains.

“What exactly should we look for?” Simon inquires as he looks around, spotting spider webs that make him screw up his face.

Alec smirks a little at that, never letting on that he'd rather not encounter said spiders, either, especially not the large, black kind. However, he knows there really are other horrors to fear than eight-legged creepy crawlers.

“Anything strange and mysterious, of course.” Magnus' voice drips sarcasm and he snaps his fingers, lighting up the room.

The light reveals how large it really is, leading several more meters into the building, and there's another door at the end of it.

“Simon, Alexander, please stay here and examine this part of the archives. Lucian, would you please follow me?” Magnus strides off into the direction of the door and Luke nods and follows, taking a glance back at Alec and Simon, who watch them leave.

Alec sighs softly and grabs a book from the shelf before him, wiping the dust off with his hand. Seems the spell wore off by now.

“Why do I feel like we're the kids in the adventure movie who get left behind in an apparent safe place while the adults go on to take on the monsters or aliens or ghosts or paranormal stuff by themselves? And by the way, usually the kids get in trouble anyway, or find the thing they've been looking for and save the day.”

Alec snorts quietly, glancing at his friend. “I guess we're just the props today.”

Simon frowns. “Why let us come then? And did you hear he called me Simon, not that he doesn't sometimes, but it worries me when he does.”

Alec drops the book and turns fully towards the vampire.

“Because he only took me so I'm close by and the others can't interrogate me, and he took you to have someone to stay with me and no offence, who he can easily intimidate.” Alec deadpans, watching Simon start to protest and give in.

Alec runs a hand through his hair. “And there's something going on with him I haven't figured out yet. The way he's been so testy with Raphael? He's putting up a front and he won't even let me look behind. Not yet, anyway.”

He knows Magnus hides behind annoyance and sarcasm and jokes, and Alec's always found a way to get to the real trouble, but something feels different than before, that look in Magnus' eyes he's seen several times now, screaming of ineffable heartbreak.

Alec can't tell if it is because of him, _just_ because of him, because he undeniably knows that he's put Magnus through unspeakable hell, and though he has told him some of how he feels, there's so much left unsaid on both sides, and Alec knows it will be a struggle for both of them to come to terms with all that's happened and how it affected them and he will have to talk, a lot, and he will have to make Magnus talk, as well. If only they had time.

Simon places a hand on Alec's shoulder, seeking out the Shadowhunter's eyes.

“Hey, you two have been through so much, you will get through this, too. And if there's ever anything I can do to help, you know I'm here."

Alec can't but smile a little at those words and the genuine look in Simon's eyes. He's grateful and goddamn lucky to have friends and family like he does.

“I know, and we really don't have a choice, do we?"

“Nope, you really don't.” Simon grins and Alec rolls his eyes a little, and they finally decide to do a sweep of the room, which is preferable to staying idle. 

* * *

“Did you guys talk?” Lydia asks her friends after Raphael made a quick exit, clearly still mad at Magnus.

Jace leans against the wall, crossing his arms lightly. “Yeah, I don't know what you did but it seems to have started to work. Sure you can't do magic?” He smiles softly.

“I'm sure, and I'm also sure whatever Magnus did helped, maybe more, and I'm just relieved he's out of that dark place.”

Izzy nods, an arm around Max.

“We'll have to do whatever it takes to keep him out. And we have to find out what's going on with Magnus and the Seelie Queen and Alistair, or Alec will never get the break he needs! All of us, to be fair. When they come back we have to get it out of one of them, because Alec knows.” She looks to Jace who nods.

“Guys, what do we even know about Alistair? It's been bugging me for a while, why is he even doing this? Who is he? All anyone seems to know is that he's some Shadowhunter, not even an especially great one, from some place and some family, no one seems to know anything about. Isn't that strange? Lydia, don't the Silent Brothers have any more information on him?” Clary inquires.

“I read the file The Clave has on him, he's lived with a mundane family for several years, apparently never knowing who his real family is, and they're believed to be dead. He was taken in by The Clave when he was 13, and for some reason Imogen Herondale took him under her wings, and trained him to be her right-hand man in politics and jurisdiction. He seems to never even have been on a mission, other than administrative or democratic purposes. Some say his physical abilities weren't good enough to last on a battle field, not even with runes. He's lived a privileged life but very much in the background until now, and the former Inquisitor had no idea that he was planning on acquiring and using the Cup. He basically slipped under everyone's radar.”

Jace huffs disdainfully. “Just shows how you can basically do whatever the hell you want as a member of that elitist bunch and get a free pass for anything.”

Izzy nods, a deep frown on her face.

“Well, not anymore.” Lydia supplies.

“Do you know what's going to happen? Will the Silent Brothers govern the Shadow World from now on? What about the Institutes?” Clary's eager to know.

Lydia shakes her head. “I don't know but I can't see them wanting that, once the trial is over and Alistair is dealt with, they will want to return to the Silent City.”

“But... surely they won't reinstate The Clave?”

Lydia shrugs at her red-headed friend. “I really don't know, I can't imagine it, especially not in the same way it used to be, but I'm not privy to that kind of information."

“Well, let's deal with that once we got rid of our other problems, I'm sure those will keep us busy for a while.” Jace sighs and rubs his face, suddenly looking very tired.

The women share a look and Izzy, Lydia and Max, who Izzy pulls along, leave the room, leaving Clary to look after him.

* * *

The room Magnus and Luke walk in is twice as big, shelves upon shelves running along the walls, it's dustier and older.

“You'd think someone would feel inclined to dust off these relics every now and then.” Magnus raises an eyebrow, gesturing with his hands.

“Apparently not.” Luke answers and walks on further, so far not having spotted any place that would suggest recent activity. No marks on the floor, and there would have been because he can see his and Magnus' footprints in the dust.

Magnus follows him, looking for any kind of sign that anyone's been in here recently.

“Magnus.”

Luke is now standing in front of a small, broken window, seemingly the point of entry. He shares a look with his friend and they continue searching.

“So, you went to see her?” The detective is asking casually while checking out a box with all sorts of things that's been moved from it's original spot.

Magnus knows, of course, that his friend would not stay silent about it, either. But he also knows that Luke won't pry on or get all worked up about anything Magnus will or won't say.

“Yes, I did. I wanted to confirm my suspicion, and I was dead on point.” He quips ironically, lifting a sort of fabric with his fingertips from a shelf, his face grimacing at the smell. He drops it and wipes his fingers.

“Anything you or anyone else could do to change her mind?” Luke's watching Magnus from the corner of his eye as he examines a few books that are barely holding together. He wonders why these things are kept here when they're clearly ripe for garbage disposal.

“Frankly, no. Whatever trust she had in me is gone, irrevocably, and that's all I'm going to say about the issue right now.”

Luke nods in understanding and heads further into the room, looking for any more clues, seeing the state of this place, the window could have been broken months ago and no one would have noticed.

“And Alec?” Luke's crouching down, examining a strange black marking on the wall.

Magnus halts his movement and turns towards him. “What about him?” He doesn't know why, but he feels how his whole body and insides are taut.

“He seems a little better?” Luke glances back at him.

Magnus opens his mouth, but hesitates to think, his shoulders swaying slightly.

“I suppose... Lydia got through to him, and I did, a little... but... he still hasn't said anything about his nightmares or the other countless things that are plaguing him, so I'm not sure how he really is, and you know how he just bottles it all up and fights on his own until he breaks-”

His voice actually breaks and he inhales deeply, though the air in here really isn't made for breathing.

“I know, Magnus, just, if there's anything I can do, you know.” Luke's standing now, and Magnus smiles a little, grateful for his offering.

“I know, we will all get him through this somehow.” Magnus concedes and walks on past his friend, not really wanting to talk any more about any of this.

Despite his brave and unwavering front, he is fighting a very real and very hard battle on his own.

* * *

“Well, there's nothing here.” Simon concludes as they looked at every damn shelf and item in the room.

“Agreed, let's join up with the others.” Alec goes ahead, pulls the door open and lets Simon walk through first, letting it fall shut behind them.

The room is so big and crowded with shelves, they don't actually see their friends, but their footprints.

“Let's check this side where they haven't been yet, we'll catch up with them somewhere in the back.”

Simon nods at Alec's suggestion and heads to their left.

Alec feels heady, the dust in the room and whatever else is smelling weird is slowly getting to him. The grey walls remind him of a place he never wants to go back to, not even in his mind, and he just feels off somehow, but he moves on, checking the shelves on their right while Simon does the other side.

“Hey, there's something shiny on top of that shelf... I'll climb up and check it out.”

Alec watches his vampire friend climb up there swiftly and agile, but the shelf is not as sturdy as he thought and doesn't hold Simon's weight. The whole thing is suddenly coming down on Alec, boxes, books, all kinds of objects and clouds and clouds of dust and he can't breathe anymore.

_Something is controlling his mind, he can't fight it._

_A voice, harsh and cold, pulling thoughts, truths from him._

_He's in so much pain._

_He's so frightened._

_It's pitch black and he doesn't feel or hear anything, not even his own body._

_He feels stabbed over and over, his screams ringing in his ears._

_Searing ruby-red eyes are piercing his soul._

_He can't breathe._

_He's got a knife, he's going to hurt someone._

_There's blood everywhere, blood and corpses, dead eyes._

_They're all dead, everyone is dead, he wishes he were dead._

He comes to, his lungs freed as if by magic... “Magnus?” He blinks, sitting up, the shelf is gone and so is the dust in the room, and there's a hole in the wall next to him, cold air streaming in.

Magnus, Simon and Luke are surrounding him.

“Yes, my love, are you alright?” Magnus is so worried, Alec feels a pang of guilt immediately.

“Yes, fine, sorry... I... the shelf just startled me.” He doesn't feel fine, he feels disorientated, sick and repellent, but he's not going to utter a word about it.

“I'm so sorry, Alec, I tried to hold it off but I was too late.” Simon looks like guilt personified.

“Hey, it's alright, I really need to work on my reflexes.” Alec smiles a little and makes to stand, hoping his legs will support him.

“Thanks... who knew dust could be as bad as an explosion in Rome.” He jokes a little, meeting Magnus' eyes, who looks still way too worked up for Alec's liking. Alec really hopes he can't tell what he really feels.

“Alexander, are you sure you're okay? Maybe we should just head back, there's nothing here any-”

“Guys, over here!” Luke had ventured further with the room clearer than before, suddenly spotting an object he hadn't seen earlier.

The others follow, Magnus more interested in Alec's disposition than whatever Luke found, though.

“A stone?” Simon raises a confused eyebrow.

“Touch it, but be careful.” Luke takes a step back and Simon frowns even more but bends down, reaching for it.

“Oww, fuck! What the hell? How is it so hot?” He's staring at his finger that feels as if he grasped pure fire.

Magnus is suddenly intrigued and crouches down to examine the stone. It's only part of it, broken off of a bigger piece... it's obsidian with fine red streaks weaved through it.

Magnus reaches for it, his fingers trembling a little the closer he gets... suddenly he can hear whispers in his mind. A language he's not really familiar with, yet he recognizes it... he pulls back and stands, his heart beating out of his chest.

“We have to wrap it up in something.” He's still staring at the stone piece, visibly shaken.

Alec takes off his scarf and crouches down, touches the fabric to the stone carefully to see if it will burn it, and then wraps it up in the scarf when nothing happens.

“What is it?” He looks at Magnus concerned and curious.

“I'm not sure... something that doesn't belong here for sure. We should really go back now.”

“Wait a minute, there's something I want to try.” Luke interrupts the movement of Magnus' hands who was already about to form a portal.

“Can I borrow that?” Alec gives him the scarf with the stone and then follows to where Luke is heading.

“I saw this marking earlier, didn't think much of it, but it's the same color and it looks like something someone would draw to find its specific location again.”

Luke crouches down, unfolds the scarf so the stone is showing without coming in contact with it and holds it against the mark.

They're all gaping at the wall caving in, revealing a small niche. It's empty, but there was definitely something inside. Something that makes Magnus' skin crawl with icy dread.

“So it's been here all this time...” Magnus' breath catches in his throat, his gaze wide with shock.

Three pairs of eyes are staring at the warlock, whose eyes are still transfixed to the empty hollow in the wall.

“What, Magnus?” Alec steps closer cautiously, the look on Magnus' face sending awkward surges along his spine.

Magnus finally looks up, meeting Alec's eyes.

“In the worst case, certain death, in the best, ultimate defeat.

“What? Why? What was in there?” His three friends are looking to him, full of fear.

“Something I was sure didn't exist... something, if the rumors are true after all... a weapon... to control greater demons... to control Princes of Hell.”

 


	36. Epiphany

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for any love given in any way.

This is something I made in a moment of... creativity I don't normally possess... it's not special but I quite like it and if I could have some kind of cover picture for this story, I would use this for now... so thought I'd share it. 

* * *

 The moment the four are back at the hotel, Clary is there, putting a hand on Alec's forearm. “Hey, sorry, are you alright? Could you come with me, please? It's about Jace.”

Alec looks startled into her wide, worried eyes and nods. He can't get his head around what happened at the Belvedere anyway. He glances back at Magnus, unable to read his expression as he follows her quickly.

She halts in front of a door, some sort of office Alec thinks he remembers.

“I'm sorry, I know I should ask about what happened at the museum with you guys-”

Alec holds up a hand to hush her. “It's alright, what happened?” He's really worried himself now, about a lot of things, but her demeanor just adds to it.

She presses her lips together for a moment, then sighs a little. “I think he just really needs to talk to you... I can only do so much, you know? He just... needs you.”

She doesn't sound bitter or disappointed or hurt, and Alec admires that about her. She seems to just know when Jace is in need of something, or someone else, and she's always been so good about that, holding herself back and never resenting Jace or Alec for it. In Alec's opinion – granted not always - she is the best person to come into Jace's life and he hopes she'll never leave it.

He leans down a little to kiss the top of her head, brushing her upper arm gently with his palm. “Okay, could you do me a favor and keep an eye on Magnus for me? I'm sure they'll fill you in.”

She nods, looking concerned for her friends now and heads back to the others immediately. Alec inhales sharply for a moment, exhales slowly and knocks on the door before heading inside.

Jace is sat on a dark brown leather couch, hunched into himself.

“Jace? Hey, we're back...” Alec takes a step closer, frowning as he's not getting any reaction.

“Clary said you needed to talk?” Alec tries again, hoping that will bring him further.

Jace shrugs, not looking up. “How'd it go?”

Well, this is at least something Alec can work with. He walks over and sits down next to his brother.

“Unexpected, but it can wait.” Alec hopes it can, at least, he really can't think of what it all means, and any distraction is welcome.

Alec takes in Jace's face carefully. The red rimmed eyes, the dark bags underneath, the paleness of his skin. He can actually feel a deeply rooted sadness from him, through their bond. He hasn't felt him like this for a long time... maybe not since he came back. He doesn't know what to do with that realization. He has probably been too self-absorbed in his own shit. But he can feel it clearly now, and his first, second and third impulse is to blame himself for it.

“I'm so-”

“Don't even, Alec, don't fucking apologize again for something you're not to blame for! I can't take that anymore, please, just stop doing that!”

Alec swallows hard, Jace's multicolored eyes suddenly staring right into him. He nods and keeps quiet, not knowing what to say. He's hurting for Jace so much right now, and he can't work out why exactly.

When Jace sighs, Alec can hear a multitude of pain in that one sound. He watches as his brother rubs his eyes.

“I'm sorry, Alec, for so many things, and most of them I'm to blame for. I thought you forgiving me, and us moving forward would make it better...”

Alec's confused, not knowing what he's talking about. “What do you mean, Jace?” He isn't blaming Jace for anything, and he thought they had talked about all of that already.

Jace is silent for a long moment.

“You're not the only one still having nightmares. Granted mine aren't as bad, but... They're still making me wake up in a panic and... They're always about you in some way, no matter what happens, I know you're in danger, lost, hurting, needing help... Or you're fighting me when I'm trying to be there... And you're telling me how much I hurt you... All those times... When I told you that you weren't good enough, which has always been a fucking lie from a selfish, raging fool, led by his brash emotions... But I hurt you and you still forgive me each and every time... But, Alec, those words, they stick with you, because I know, I can hear all those hateful words spoken by the men that fucked me up, and though I know they were lies and shouldn't be important, shouldn't even penetrate my mind, I can't forget them. Words leave an impact, a footprint in our souls, especially when they come from people we care about... And though it's been done to me, I still did the same thing to you... How do I forgive myself for that? How do you not resent me?”

Alec feels a piercing shock freezing his body. He's stunned speechless for a minute.

“Jace... Where does that even come from? You know I don't carry a grudge for anything that happened between us, and I was hurt back then, and I said some awful things about you, too, that I didn't mean, and I've long forgiven you and I know you didn't mean it.”

“But I did, Alec, in that moment I did.”

Silence.

“Told you the nightmares provide all these nice chapters of my life... You... Hurting you has always been my biggest regret. I guess I'm still trying to repent for it. But I haven't really managed so far.”

Alec feels a little despaired, a little outraged. “Jace, there's absolutely no need to. Please don't do that to yourself.”

Jace snorts. “Well, how do I stop it? How do you? Have you found a way? Because you're the one who keeps torturing himself over everything and none of it is truly your fault, so...”

Alec shakes his head slowly, looking down. He hasn't and he hates for Jace to feel like this, but he has no idea how to change it.

Jace sighs and rubs his eyes again. “What happened on that roof with the shapeshifter, Alec? Can you tell me that?”

Alec's mouth opens slightly, closes again, his eyes unfocused, his pose taut. Jace knows all the signs of his troubled Parabatai. His eyes scan the room, resting on the large, wooden desk. The side facing them is closed off, but the other is open for someone to sit at and stretch their legs.

“Come on.” Jace gets up, turns the light off and gets on his hands and knees to crawl under the desk.

Alec stares bewildered and shakes his head, but this isn't exactly the craziest thing to happen recently. He gets off the couch and crouches down before it, then he shuffles under it, eventually pulling his legs up to his chest, his tall frame just about fitting underneath. He can't fully lift his head and leans sideways against the wood instead, closing his arms around his legs.

He caught up with Jace's intention by now.

They had shared many secrets in the dark, sometimes under a blanket, in narrow spaces. It was easier, safer. A darkness that spends comfort in the knowledge the other shares similar fears, dreams, and understands without judgement... For the most part.

“Close your eyes.” Jace closes his.

Alec hesitates but does eventually.

“Take a deep breath, imagine us at the harbor, the water, waves, salty air, noises of the machines and birds...”

Jace waits for a moment, peaking at Alec, but he can't even make out his face properly now. He can sense him, though.

“Now... tell me...” Jace whispers, anxious tingles spreading throughout his belly.

Alec feels awkward prickles, his heartbeat quickening, a fine sheen of sweat forming.

He breathes deeply, trying to imagine, trying to be calm.

“I didn't know... I couldn't tell whether it was you or not... I couldn't trust... myself...”

“Why not?”

They speak under their breaths in the dark silence of the room.

“Because... in my dreams... you died... all the time...” Alec's heartbeat quickens, to stay calm he's trying to focus on Jace's breathing, feeling his brother's own heart beat steady through their bond.

“But you saw it was a demon?”

“Yes... maybe... I don't know, I wasn't sure what was real...”

Jace waits for a long moment. “How did I die?”

He can hear Alec's sharp intake of breath, feel his distress.

“How did I die?” Jace needs to know now.

“You were killed.” Alec offers.

“By who?”

Jace is feeling more and more restless.

“Alec, by who?”

They're both holding their breaths.

“By me.”

 

The only sound audible is the sudden ticking of a clock neither had been aware of before.  _Tick tock tick tock tick tock._

They share a labored release of breath.

“Alec, is that why... you couldn't tell anyone?”

“Yes.” Alec wishes he could fold more into himself.

“But it wasn’t real, Alec...”

“It felt real to me.”

Jace doesn't know what to say to that. He gets that.

Alec finally forces himself to breathe properly.

“In the worst moments... I believed I could do it... hurt you... even... kill you... something in me... it felt so wrong and I didn't trust myself anymore... and I couldn't...” His voice breaks and Jace scrambles over, grabs him, pulls him into a strong, tight hold, feeling all that horror, fright, heartache and torment Alec's felt for way too long now.

For once Jace can be strong for him, not letting it overwhelm himself, trying to spend solace and safety, showing him he's here, alive, OK, loves him, cares deeply, won't leave him alone.

“I promise you, you'll be okay... both of us... all of us, we'll be okay.”

Alec nods feebly, hides his face in Jace's shoulder and clings to him for several minutes.

“We should get out, I'm cramped.” Alec's limbs finally protest too much, having to strain themselves in this awkward position.

They untangle themselves, crawl out and stand. Jace grabs Alec's arm and pulls him to the couch where they lie down next to each other.

* * *

When Clary enters the room, no one hardly notices. On her right she's surprised to see Ragnor and Catarina, Lydia, Simon and Izzy next to them. On her left there's Raphael, Luke, her mother, Robert who came earlier to check up on everyone and tutor Max, not wanting to fully abandon his education, and Max with Chairman Meow and Church on his shoulders. She's glad to see him here, in her opinion he has every right to know whatever the adults do, he's in this as much as any of them, and he's far from helpless.

Everyone is looking at someone – no – something.

Her sight is drawn to Magnus, too; his back from where she's standing. She takes a few steps to her right to see what the others are looking at. There's a high round table in front of him, a scarf – Alec's – on it, and on the scarf there's a black stone. Not just black, though, red streaks are inside of it... and she blinks her eyes a couple of times because those lines seem to be moving...

“What is that?” She's next to Magnus now and his arm shoots out to hold her back from getting even closer.

“Setan batu.”

She frowns at the words, Magnus glances at her. “A demon stone.”

She looks at the stone with new fascination.

“Luke found it in the museum and we found, well, the absence of something else.” Simon supplies, unable to look away from the obsidian.

Magnus moves his hand and the scarf folds itself back around the stone.

“These stones, well, they are real it seems... and they are basically impossible to obtain. They are exceedingly rare and only greater demons are supposed to possess them, or know where they are to be found.”

“Someone would quite literally have to give up their soul or something of similar value to trade.” Ragnor takes over from Magnus. He had been silent ever since Raphael had sent a message to get here quickly. This sudden turn of events has, however, brought his troubled mind back for now.

“What does that mean exactly? How did Alistair get it?” Jocelyn moves to her daughter's side, looking from Ragnor to Magnus.

Magnus shrugs. “Maybe through his recently obtained demonic friends. It doesn't matter how he got it, the fact that he does, well... this is only a piece of the stone, the demons he sent to obtain – the other thing – must not have been too careful with it, lucky us.” He says sarcastically, driving a cold shiver down Clary's spine.

Looking around her, she thinks the others must feel similar.

“What's the other thing then? What does the stone do?” She asks, turning fully to Magnus now.

“It's like a dowser, one can find demonic items that have been hidden anywhere in the world with it.”

“How?” Max steps forward, spellbound by this and much less frightened or worried than everyone else seems to be.

Magnus looks at him for a moment, his face masked, then his shoulders sack a little.

“To be honest... I have no idea... I used to question even the existence of these stones... because I never saw one for myself and I never actually found proof of the stones themselves.”

Max looks puzzled at this. “Why do you know what it is then?”

“Because even in the demon world there are rumors, ancient riddles and tales. Believe it or not, demons love to meddle with other's minds and have a certain humor of their own, and I have studied as much about demons as possible, but that doesn't make anything real... but apparently this is, and therefor Alistair was looking for something very real and very dangerous.” Magnus answers.

“And before you ask, we don't know what it is, either. Magnus once found a clue, leading him to Vienna, and the museum eventually, to find a weapon of sorts against the most powerful demons, but as he didn't have this stone, he couldn't find it and dismissed it as deception.” Catarina stepped to Magnus' other side. “We have to find your old scripts.”

Magnus sighs silently. “I have no idea where any of it is now, except the originals... But the translations are what we need... I put some in my journals of which half are missing by now, some are probably at home in my study, but there never was one whole section about this in the first place, you know it took years to find the clues to translate any of it and I never made the right connection it seems...”

He looks and sounds so tired and Clary places a hand on his shoulder, waiting for him to look at her. “We'll find it, Magnus, you don't have to do it on your own.”

Magnus' eyes lighten up suddenly and his features soften. “I know, thank you, biscuit.” He kisses her forehead and she smiles with relief.

“Alright, who's going back to the loft to look for anything at all mentioning demon stones?” Luke addresses the group.

“We will.” Izzy answers for her and Simon, who's nodding immediately.

“I'll go, too.” Jocelyn offers.

“We will come, too.” Catarina and Ragnor accept.

Lydia merely raises her hand.

 “Okay, that's probably enough people for now, if you need backup, you give us a call."

He walks over to Jocelyn and kisses her for a long moment, then he hugs Clary. “I have to get back to Alaric and check in with the Silent Brothers.”

When everyone but Magnus, Clary and Raphael left, Max grabs his father's arm. Robert, who never heard of any of this before, has listened and watched in troubled silence, now looking at his youngest son in surprise.

“Come with me, I need us to find something.” He pulls him out, the cats heading after them and Raphael frowns, watching, shakes it off and nears Magnus, his arms crossed.

“Aren't you happy now I sent you on this pointless trip?” Raphael exudes sarcasm, angry hurt visible underneath.

Magnus steps closer, meeting his old friend's eyes. “I am, Raph, and sorry I probably overreacted a little bit earlier."

The vampire's expression grows more sour. “If this is meant to be an apology you can shove it up-”

“Okay, okay! I'm sorry I overreacted, I 'm full of powder kegs filled with rage and other unpleasant emotions and I go off very quickly these days, so please, grant me some leeway.”

Raphael rolls his eyes dramatically but lets his arms relax again. “Fine, I'll go check on the Lightwoods and those flea bearers.”

Magnus smiles a tiny bit. “They don't have fleas, you insufferable brat!” He watches Raphael wave him off before he vanishes from the room.

Magnus shakes his head, feeling slightly amused, and turns back to Clary. “Now, where did you leave Alexander and Jace?”

“I'll show you.” She watches as he conceals and hides the stone and then grabs his hand and leads the way.

 

When they arrive at the door where she left Alec earlier, Clary listens for a moment, knocks softly as she hears nothing and then opens the door without getting confirmation of them even still being inside.

As Magnus and her step in, concern visible on both of their faces, their features change to surprise and then fondness, affection and undeniable love.

Jace and Alec are lying on the couch, Alec on his back, an arm hanging down the side, his curled up fingers almost touching the floor, Jace's head is on his brother's chest, and a curled up leg over Alec's stretched out ones. They're both breathing evenly.

Magnus and Clary share a genuine smile, both their troubles wiped away for this moment.

* * *

Alec's head feels like cobwebs were spun overnight inside, but then it isn't even night, is it? He doesn't know... he remembers... Jace. They were on the couch, but this doesn't feel like a couch, it feels like...

His eyes blink open and the moment they focus they're locked on golden cat orbs. For an indefinite span of time life fades to the background. Everything but the present.

His breath is stuck in his throat, a deep, delicate shudder is winding along his spine. Warmth is spreading throughout his body, his heart stutters, flips, thrums. He's filled up with emotions he's in bitter need to release.

Alec notices how the golden eyes grow the tiniest bit, as if seeing something unexpected, when he surges forward and only stops when he feels Magnus' lips against his, his eyes fluttering shut.

He's not thinking, only feeling, moving intuitively. He takes Magnus' bottom lip in between his, pulls gently and licks over the soft skin, before releasing it, his tongue gently prying those lips further open, diving inside, brushing teeth, moist, warm skin, meeting a tongue as eager as his.

Alec's hand comes up to cradle Magnus' face, his fingertips exploring soft skin they know by heart, yet take on the journey as if it might be the very last time they get to touch him. He lets them tickle the shell of Magnus' ear, brushes the soft skin behind it, trails a finger down to his neck, stops to feel his pulse, pulsating just a bit too fast, eliciting Alec's own to speed up with excitement.

He runs his fingers back to Magnus' hairline, slightly pulling on soft strands that feel almost too long again, but maybe he's letting them grow. His hand moves up and up, silky hair flitting through his splayed fingers, until he grasps enough hair to slightly pull Magnus' head back, a strangled moan escaping his swollen lips.

Alec smiles fleetingly, his mouth busy kissing along that delicate jaw, to that ear he loves to bite and further down Magnus' throat, suckling and nibbling, while Alec's body feels exceedingly more ablaze with desire, only fueled by Magnus' low moans and purrs.

Alec's mouth moves again to the crook of Magnus' neck, thanking him silently for the wide collared shirt, his hand coming down to pull on the fabric, exposing Magnus' shoulder, giving his lips more skin to love.

“Alexander...” Alec shudders at the blissful sound.

He knows exactly the way Magnus' eyes are closed, how his lips are fuller, darker, and slightly parted, how his bronze skin is glowing as it heats up because of  _him_ , because of what  _he_ is doing to him. It has always been one of the most astonishing, thrilling discoveries to Alec, how  _he_ is capable of turning his mighty warlock into a hot, needy... puddle... he has to chuckle inwardly at the thought. But he knows he'd never truly want anyone else to ever touch Magnus the way he's allowed to touch him.  _Never._

His tongue licks Magnus' shoulder in a circle now, his teeth ready to sink into the delicious skin, just to graze it, make Magnus moan a bit louder.

Alec's eyelids flicker and open, unaware of the reason. There's a gap in the curtains, not fully closed, red light is streaking into the room. Is it sunset?

Red light. Flames, fire, so much fire... red eyes. Alec's head jerks up a little as he's wincing, seeing the fires, the city in flames, the blazing heat, scorching everything and everyone in its path.

His head is throbbing.

“Alexander? What's wrong?” Magnus noticed the change in Alec instantly, even through his haze of passion.

He cups Alec's cheek carefully, turns his head towards him more. There's a pained expression all over his boyfriend's face, wiping the blissful heat in Magnus' gut to replace it with cold dread.

“Alexander? Talk to me.”

Alec jerks as if startled, his eyes wide, his mouth opens in a silent gasp. Magnus? Yes, Magnus. There's no fires, no heat, everything is... it's all rushing back to him now. The threat of the Seelie Queen, Alistair, demons, the museum, that stone. Jace. Magnus... he was just... they were just...

“What...” He shakes the dizziness from his mind.

“Sorry, I... sometimes I see strange things... sometimes everything's just gone and I forget...

Magnus is looking at him with big, worried eyes, cutting off Alec's garbled words.

“You forget?” Magnus presses cautiously.

Alec sighs, averting his eyes. He has to collect himself again, his thoughts.

“It's like... just now... there's only you and me... and I forget... everything.” He isn't sure whether this is anything weird due to what happened, or if it's just Magnus' effect on him, because Magnus was always good at making him forget...

“It's alright, love, your mind needs a break from time to time.” Magnus reassures him, gently kneading Alec's neck.

“I guess... I... where's Jace?” How did he get here to this bedroom?

“You fell asleep on the couch, you both needed it. Jace is with Clary and I brought you here.”

Oh, right. Makes sense... at least something does.

“Is he alright?” Magnus asks carefully.

“He's... he will be... I hope... fighting his own demons again, and there's always so much guilt involved... I wish I could just magically rid him of all of it.”

Magnus can hear the sadness in Alec's voice, wishing he could actually do that in an unharming way, for both of them.

“What about you? The stone? What happened?” Surely they must be doing something else than sleeping, Alec needs to know what's happening and how he can help.

“It's all being taken care of, Alexander, you needn't trouble yourself right now. A few of our friends are at the loft, looking for answers, Luke has gone to check on things outside and Max and your father are here somewhere... and the cats, of course.” He gives a tiny smile, hoping to relax Alec a little bit.

“Dad's here?” He probably shouldn't be surprised, should he? Actually he feels a little bit relieved. 

“Yes, he came to see how we were doing and to continue tutoring Max.”

Alec's brow furrows.

“Don't worry, I doubt he's too eager teaching your brother the sinful and abhorrent ways of the Downworlders. It's not like Max used to believe this nonsense even before this mayhem.”

Alec relaxes again and nods. “You're right, thankfully he seems to be immune.”

Magnus smiles tenderly, eliciting a soft smile from Alec in response, a sudden impulse making the Shadowhunter fling his arms around the other man.

“I'm so glad you're here, please don't let anyone succeed in taking you away from me.”

His urgently whispered words are slightly muffled from speaking into Magnus' neck but the warlock understands all too well and his tension seeps out of his muscles as he slackens into Alec, pressing him the minutest possible bit closer into himself.

“Never, Alexander, I'm only yours, always.”

* * *

Raphael watches the scene before him for a minute. Max, Robert and the tiny nuisances are way down in the hidden pathway of the Hotel DuMort, in a room Camille used as her personal archive, but to Raphael it always looked like a large trash can.

“Fine, I'll ask, what the hell are you doing down here?” He addresses both Lightwoods, neither giving him much notice.

Robert turns to him after a moment. “I'm not sure, Max wants me to look for something colorful... like a diary with colored drawings.” He seems rather clueless himself.

Raphael frowns and steps closer to where Max is half hidden in a huge pile of books, papers, and undiscernible bits and pieces, a lot of dust and ashes. He watches the cats play with crumbled up paper balls disdainfully.

“I'm often here reading when you mean folks don't want me in your oh so secret and important meetings.”

Raphael raises an eyebrow at the sarcastic, mocking tone of the young Lightwood's voice. He taught him pretty well... at least he's taking all the credit for it.

But why that fact should be answer enough to make him comprehend what Max wants him to has not yet sunk in.

Apparently, Max isn't about to elaborate, though, and the vampire really has more important things to take care of. He turns to walk out and leave them to crawling about in centuries old dust and webs and trash when he suddenly hears a tiny shriek.

He turns again with a deep frown on his face which turns into puzzlement as Max is on his feet and rushing towards him, holding something resembling a journal in his hands. Raphael can't refrain from thinking how comical the boy looks, his clothes full of dust and his face smeared with dirt in a couple of places.

Max opened the half destroyed journal to a specific page and Raphael can't but look it over.

Max's grin widens as he sees the dawning of understanding on his vampire friend's face. He found it, he really found it!

“We have to show it to Magnus! Come everyone!” He dashes off, the cats running close behind.

  

Max gives a shout as warning, “Coming in!”, before he pulls the door to Magnus' and Alec's bedroom they're currently occupying open.

Even if they weren't dressed and doing other things than simply gaping surprised at him, he'd not much care. He's way too giddy and energetic with excitement that's threatening to burst his small body.

“Look, I found one!” He pushes the half burned and rotted journal into Magnus' hands who takes it and stares at it bewildered and then Max sees the same sudden epiphany on his warlock friend's face as he did before with Raphael, who entered the room as well, making room for Robert who ran after them as fast as he could, and is a little out of breath.

“Max, you... how did you...?” It's rare to see Magnus speechless.

“Remember when you gave me a couple of your journals to read? You did those colorful drawings with them and this reads a little like a poem... though part of it is missing, and I remember those strange signs, and I recognized your writing and the drawings and the other one must be at the loft!”

Magnus is so stunned he can't move for a moment.

“Max, you're the smartest boy in the universe... you gathered this only from 'Demons' and 'stones'?”

Max nods. “I mean, it might not be what we're looking for... but I think the other journal has the rest of it and gives another clue?”

Magnus nods and gets up quickly. “Yes, I think so. I don't remember it exactly, but there was more. I can't believe this has been here all this time... Camille must have taken and tried to burn them... good thing she was always sloppy.” Or this page would have been lost forever.

“There's no time to spare.” He quickly opens a portal and everyone leaves for the loft.

  

“Magnus? What's going on?” Lydia's observing everyone appearing out of nowhere in the living-room where she went with a few books and papers to have some quiet and room to focus.

“Max found something, I'll explain once we find the missing piece!” He strides into his study, everyone else following quickly.

Magnus shushes the other four occupants with a gesture of his hand as he makes a beeline for an antique chest, having remembered exactly where he put his remaining journals last. Max is right by his side, and they spot  _the one_  simultaneously. Magnus takes it, holds it for a moment and then gives it to Max. It's his merit after all.

“Read them to us?” Max nods in awe, and quickly looks for the right page, holding both journals, one half destroyed, one in very good condition, next to each other.

 

Journal 1:

 

Journal 2:

Max doesn't read the strange symbols as he's not sure what they even are. The words, though not properly translated, however, leave an ominous aftertaste, a deafening silence enveloping the whole room.

“What does that mean?” Simon finally finds his voice, unable to stand everyone's quiet confusion any longer.

Magnus snaps out of his own stupor and looks at his friend, who is antsy with anticipation.

“I have no idea.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really like to ramble on but I feel I should a little at this stage... I'm trying my best to make this... well... make it make sense, I was really excited when this idea came to me, but then I was really frustrated because thinking of the details and how it all comes together is really fucking hard... and if anyone ever spots any flaw, especially in the next chapters, please let me know so I can try fix them. 
> 
> I'm trying to be patient with myself because I'm no mastermind, but I still want it to make sense... so... yeah... wait and see and hopefully it will fall into place.


	37. A Mundane Myth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for feedback and to my wonderful Parabeta as ever <3
> 
> The amazing reivenesque on tumblr made a gift set for this story and it is the most wonderful thing ever, go look at it, I cried... 
> 
>    
>  [amazing gift](http://reivenesque.tumblr.com/post/149119440318/alec-has-vanished-without-a-trace-magnus-has-been)
> 
>  
> 
> I hope so much this makes sense, ha ha... it got different again when I actually wrote it, wish my mind would just stick to something for once... anyway... it's quite a bit longer than usually, but wanted to get to this point.

His study is filled with murmurs and questions directed at him he can't answer and the thin thread of energy he's functioning on is wearing thinner. Maybe he should be relieved to be granted this kind of heavy distraction, but all he feels is an inexplicable exhaustion, wearing him down. He doesn't want any part of this bullshit, he doesn't want to be the one having to try and figure it all out again, he doesn't want to have to think. He wants to go back to the cliffs, or any other place at all, just take Alec and disappear for a few weeks, or longer...

“Magnus, where are you?” Catarina's snapping her fingers in front of his face, forcing him back into the here and now.

“What is it?” He just about suppresses the sigh that's weighing on his chest. At least everyone's quiet again.

“What led you to The Belvedere that time?” Lydia chimes in, feeling like they all agree it's the most prominent question, apart from _why the hell is any of this happening?_

Magnus glances at her, thinking. “I sort of... found a map... not like any map you know, and it took me months to figure out it was such at first, and weeks until I got lucky unraveling it, and then... well, not important. We can't use it anyway.”

There are at least five voices asking him why and he ignores all and walks out. Alec's been observing quietly and even without Magnus' eyes finding him for the most fleeting of moments as he exits the study, he would have followed him regardless.

The Shadowhunter watches as his boyfriend performs the spell to reveal his secret safe and get out a whole bundle of papers in a large leather folder.

“This is everything I ha-”

“Magnus, what can I do?”

Magnus turns fully towards Alec, a deep frown creasing his forehead. Not because he doesn't understand why Alec is asking, but because he does. The sigh from before finally leaves him and he musters a soft smile.

“I'm just tired, I will be fine. I have to get this to the others, maybe someone will have a brilliant idea and solve this puzzle within the day and we can go back to a life full of carefree domesticity.” Magnus' voice is weirdly cheerful, barely hiding his cutting sarcasm.

Alec's expression is one of great doubt and he wishes he could _do_ something, anything to lift at least part of this burden Magnus is carrying around. And Alec still can't make sense of it fully.

Magnus steps closer and brings up a hand to cradle Alec's stubbly cheek. “My love, if you want to do something for me... relax for a little while, take a hot shower and join us once I have procured food for everyone, because we need it, and it would truly make me feel better.”

Alec knows he's being manipulated and he knows Magnus knows that he knows. And nine and a half times out of ten he would be stubborn and refuse and Magnus would chide him but not really expect anything else. But this time, right now... there is just something nagging on him so relentlessly about Magnus... he frowns but nods, maybe getting some minutes to try and clear his mind aren't so bad. And he owes Magnus more than he will ever be able to make up to him.

Magnus smiles earnestly, leans up for a gentle kiss and bustles back to the others. Alec watches him go, his attention drawn to his phone buzzing in his pocket.

He smiles a little, willing the tiredness away, then takes that shower, shaves and brushes his teeth, finds clean black clothes, and refreshes some of his runes before he heads out, finding everyone, including Jace and Clary, sitting on chairs that weren't there before, around a big table with a lot of amazing smelling food and drinks.

* * *

Magnus strides into the study and hands the folder to Catarina. “There won't be any quick answers.” He addresses all of them now. “I merely translated snippets about those stones, and this supposed weapon I never found, and those bits from the journals Max read to us, that's all I know... now.”

“And these are all the originals?” Catarina and Ragnor quickly made space on Magnus' desk, opening the folders and looking through the pages.

“Yes, I stopped after I failed to find anything in Vienna. The museum wasn't the first or only place I looked, and the whole thing had cost way too much time, even for an immortal.” He quips bemusedly.

“How did you get these originals?” Lydia couldn't refrain from looking them over, oblivious to Ragnor next to her who is giving her a glare, rather uncomfortable being wedged in between the women. Magnus smirks slightly at him, before giving his attention to Lydia.

“I stole them.” He deadpans.

Lydia's raising an eyebrow.

“Who from?” Izzy beats her to it.

“My... Asmodeus. I took the one chance I got at the time, believing I'd find answers for a lot of things and leverage against him, but in the end I was sure it was all a ruse and he knew I had them and was having the best time laughing at my expense, knowing I'd be misled.”

“But it's true, isn't it?” Max steps forward, watching Magnus closely.

The warlock composes himself a second.

“I suppose, I really don't know. We know the demon stones exist, and something was hidden at the museum, but we don't know what it was, we don't know if there is really such a thing as a weapon to control the greatest demons, and frankly, I can't see us finding the answers any time soon. I still have little knowledge of this ancient demonic language, which is why it took me so long to translate anything, and I couldn't even tell you whether what I did is correct and I'm quite positive that only a Prince of Hell could confirm that, and we're a little low on these... so...”

“What about that map?” Luke joins Magnus, having discerned that the map Magnus mentioned seems to be the only thing he hasn't explained, yet, and could maybe lead them somewhere, even though his friend said it's no use to them now, he still wants to know what this is about.

“I told you it's useless.”

“Well, can we at least see it?” Luke's not backing down that quickly and his curiosity is spiked.

Magnus is about to deny him but then reconsiders. He can show them, it doesn't matter either way.

“Fine.” He snaps his fingers and holds a crystal bowl with three red gemstones inside.

“Hey, that was just there in your shelf... are those diamonds? No, the shape doesn't fit, what's the name again, um, topaz? Right? Imperial topaz! How are they a map?” Simon stares at the stones in wonderment.

Magnus raises an eyebrow, taking one square shaped stone in between two of his fingers, holding it up so they can see better.

“They look like ordinary gemstones, but they're not. They were with the papers I stole and for the longest time I had no idea what they were. It was pure chance that I discovered the secret they bear. Church, who likes red things for some weird reason, had somehow gotten his paws on one and he dragged it about the loft on a very hot, very sunny day. When sunlight hit it, I suddenly saw it.”

He talks in a low, mysterious tone, having everyone's attention once more, especially Simon's who's eyes have grown double their normal size.

“Then what? What's the secret?” The vampire asks full of excitement.

Magnus' lips form into a slight grin as he snaps his fingers, suddenly holding a witchlight in his other hand, moving it behind the stone.

“Is that...?” Luke is moving in closer, trying to figure out what he's seeing.

“A map... yes. But it's way too small to make out which location it points to like this.”

“How do we get it out?” Simon's almost bursting.

“We don't.” Magnus responds and places the stone and the witchlight into the bowl.

“What? Why not?” Simon's incredulous.

Magnus sighs softly and puts the bowl back into the shelf where it was before, then turns back to the others. “Because, there is only one way to... open these stones, and I can't do it now.”

“Magnus, just tell us the whole story, jeez, you're really keeping us on our toes.” Izzy says, frustration showing on her face.

Magnus pouts for a moment, but truthfully, he wants them to know, too, so they get that there's nothing anyone can do about it now.

“I summoned a demon to ask, one I could quite easily control, and he knew nothing, useless really... but he did suggest using hellfire... so after some consideration, I made another demon bring me some and it worked. It melted the stone and revealed the map. I was rather surprised to find it belonged into this world and pointed me to Austria, specifically Vienna, but once I got there, I didn't know where to look, so I looked everywhere, until...” He suddenly looks a bit absent, like he's far away.

“Until?” Simon prods.

Magnus blinks and focuses on his friends again. “I... had a feeling... I can't explain it any better, the moment I was near the museum I felt drawn to it... so I turned it upside down, fruitlessly as you all know, and that's the end of that story.”

He's heading out of the study again, leaving his puzzled friends behind.

“I don't get it, why can't he just get some more hellfire then?” Simon's been wrecking his brain for a long minute.

“Because now Alistair basically controls the demon world, we can't trust – what a peculiar word - any demon and the moment we'd try to summon one, Alistair would know and could turn it into a trap.” Ragnor supplies while studying one of the papers with interest. “I found his translation about the demon stones.”

“That's really not a lot to go on...” Lydia supplies and reaches for another piece of paper. “I guess this is the translation about this 'weapon' then. It doesn't say anything more than what we already know and judging from the handwriting, he translated this one much later?”

Catarina nods solemnly. “He only made the connection at the museum, and I fear Magnus is right and we have no way of translating more of these, especially not in the amount of time we have.”

“If Alistair's already got this weapon and is able to control Princes of Hell now, it doesn't matter anyway, does it?” Jocelyn supplies, earning a few serious nods.

“Wouldn't we already know if that was the case, though? Wouldn't hell literally break lose in our world by now?” Robert asks, placing an arm around Max.

“Well... probably, none of us has any kind of experience or any more knowledge about this, I'm afraid. And it's likely that some sort of ritual or spell or similar is required before it works, but that's just a blind guess.” Catarina's at a loss.

“What about the other map stones? Why are there three more if you only need to find one place?” Max has been looking at them in fascination ever since they appeared in Magnus' hands.

Everyone shares a look, coming to the same conclusion. They just don't know.

* * *

Jace gets off his chair the instant he spots Alec emerging from the bedroom and hugs him tight for a long moment, making the taller man smile.

“You okay?” Alec's glad when Jace nods and can't feel any different from him right now.

“You smell a lot better now.” Jace smirks at him and Alec scoffs.

“Well, thanks, I'm glad you approve.” He says dryly, smirks a little when Jace winks at him and then joins the others at the table.

Max is quick to move to his side, still holding onto the journals, making their dad give up his chair for him. Alec and Robert nod at each other and then Alec listens attentively to Max recounting everything they learned while he was gone, eating the food Izzy keeps shoving his way.

“I don't know what these are, though.” Max points at the strange signs from the journals which are below every line.

“Oh, num-”

“Numbers.” Alec looks up, finding Magnus who was about to say the same thing, they share a knowing little smile.

Max frowns at his big brother. “Roman numbers, you know those, right? Magnus' handwriting was just pretty... extravagant at the time.” Alec smirks a little, glancing at his boyfriend once more, who rolls his eyes but has to agree.

“I've tried a lot of different styles in my years, to keep up diversity.” He explains.

“I bet not just concerning your writing.” Jace leers at him, making Magnus express how unimpressed he is.

“Seriously, Jace?” Alec squints at his brother who shrugs carelessly.

“Just trying to lighten the mood.” He grins at Alec who just shakes his head, his attention once again drawn to his little brother who acquired a pen from somewhere and is writing down the equivalent numerical numbers.

He's in deep concentration all the while and observes them and the journal entries closely when he's done. “Magnus, you never found out what the numbers are connected to?”

Magnus shakes his head at his young friend. “I simply jotted them down at the time, they were the easiest to translate, but I couldn't tell what they meant.”

Max nods and checks everything over once more. “What about the number four?” He looks up again, Luke joining them to see what Max means.

“There are four rows of numbers, the words _From four realms we come_ , and-”

“Four of the red stones, there used to be four.” Max interrupts, feeling rather excited about this puzzle. He's always loved certain puzzles, riddles and mysteries, as long as they were connected to the real world, to real secrets.

“So, there could be four locations, three left now, to find... something.” Luke concludes. “We need to find a way to get to those maps.

Catarina is pointedly looking at Magnus and when he notices he frowns deeply at her, not understanding what she wants from him, but knowing that her mind is cooking something up, something he won't like.

Max grabs the journals, papers and pen and heads to the study, returning with more paper, Magnus' translations, and the bowl with the red stones in his hands. He places everything on the floor, in some order he seems to have in his mind. Simon, Clary, Lydia, Izzy, Luke and Ragnor are all gathering around him and the items on the floor, trying to figure out what he's doing and whether it helps them in any way.

“Can you google the Belvedere museum?” He asks his vampire friend who's crouching next to him. Simon immediately grabs his phone and complies, Clary and Lydia are doing the same, the more eyes the better, though what Max is looking for they also aren't sure of, he may not know himself, but it's a lead, and they have to follow it.

Alec's sharing a look with his dad, both of them very curious as to what Max is doing, knowing how smart he is and how determined once something is of great interest to him.

Catarina takes the seat next to Magnus and he's bracing himself for what's to come. She's leaning in to speak quietly to him.

Alec watches them closely, feeling anxious when he sees the way Magnus' eyes widen for a moment then narrow, how his jaw tightens and twitches in one familiar place. How his whole body is taut. Alec can tell there are words, many words, on the tip of his tongue when he looks, scowls, at Catarina but he seems to be holding them back, shaking his head at her before he stands and leaves to their bedroom.

Alec's deeply concerned now, gets off his chair and joins Catarina. “What did you say to him?” He needs to know.

She doesn't hesitate for long, thinking that Alec may be the one to convince Magnus.

“I think Magnus has a way to get the information out of these stones. I suggested to him to... channel his demonic powers and try. I don't think he'd even need to go full demon, just enough to break those stones. His demonic powers are much mightier than hellfire, but ever since... since he's lost control over himself, he's very reluctant to try. I fear it's our only chance right now, though.”

Alec understands and nods, turning to look at the now closed bedroom doors. “I'll talk to him.”

* * *

Magnus is seemingly rearranging his jewelry on his vanity table when Alec enters, his body still stiff, his face strained, his eyes unfocused on what he's doing.

Alec steps closer cautiously, his fingers finding the edge of the table, lightly tapping against the wood.

“Hey.”

Magnus stops his hand movement and glances sideways up at him. “Hey.”  
  
“Catarina told me what she said to you.” Alec's expression and voice are very soft.

Magnus snorts and looks away, then closes his eyes a moment and sighs wearily.

Alec takes another step closer and places his hand on the small of Magnus' back, gently circling his fingers. His other hand outstretched, he touches the slightly shorter man's chin, gently prodding him to turn his head towards Alec.

Their eyes meet and words are spoken without even the movement of their lips – until they are required for sharing a badly needed kiss.

When they emerge from drowning in each other, lips a little redder and fuller than before, their breaths still mingling as they're gazing into each other's eyes, they know.

All of Magnus' trepidations have been washed away. Underneath he's felt inferior to Shadowhunters' angelic blood for the longest time, only admitting it to himself and very few most trusted friends. Being with Alec made those flames of insecurity flare up into destructive fires he had to fight for a while, until Alec made him realize, without even knowing, that he didn't see Magnus as inferior, that he wasn't appalled by his demonic origins, that he wasn't going to resent and abandon him.

And above all of that, Alec, by Magnus' definition, a real angel, fell in love with him, all of him, accepted, respected and found it in himself to  _love_  every part of him, even the darkness.

Alec takes Magnus' hand in his, holding it safely, returning his gentle smile, and together they head back to the others.

* * *

“What if you add up the numbers?” Luke suggests and Max is quick to write it down, being very good with numbers, maybe even better than his big brother.

By now everyone is gathered around Max, Simon and Clary on the floor, trying to be of any kind of help at solving this puzzle.

Catarina looks up as she notices Magnus and Alec, a smile instantly forming on her face. Alec is the one in possession of a kind of magic none of them have pertaining to Magnus.

“Maybe they're coordinates.” Simon suggests while checking the coordinates for Vienna. His face falls as he checks with all the numbers. “Nope, don't fit.”

Magnus and Alec step closer behind Max to see better. “Can I have that?” Alec taps Lydia's arm to get her phone where she's still looking up information about the museum. She hands it over curiously and Alec's scrolling upwards to the table of historic notes. He glances back at the paper with Max's numbers, one in particular catching his eye. He crouches down behind his little brother, moves the phone in front of Max's face and then points to the number in question.

Max's eyes widen, suddenly shining brightly. “Yes! You're right! The museum was built in 1745 and these numbers add up to 1745!” Alec grins as Max smiles brightly at him, then stands again to hand Lydia her phone back.

“So, the other numbers... 1420, 1862 and 1215, are probably leading to historic buildings in the places inside the stones.” Ragnor supplies, sounding rather excited.

“Maybe we can find the buildings without the maps?” Simon is hopeful.

“Mi dios, not a chance! There are thousands of buildings all over the world, how would you ever find the right ones without even knowing the continent they're on?” Raphael questions him, mustering his driest tone possible, causing Simon to deflate again.

“It seems we are in need of some demon magic here.” Catarina is looking straight at Magnus who is meeting her confidently after taking another glance at Alec by his side.

“You better prepare yourselves to be amazed then.” He responds, a spark flaring in his golden eyes.

* * *

“It's not working.” Magnus feels agitated, maybe letting out his inner demon in front of everyone wasn't his best idea...

Ragnor scoffs. “What? The mighty son of the almighty Asmodeus is suddenly suffering from stage fright? Give me a break.” His tone is laced with mirth and sarcasm.

“He's gotten too soft, Lightwood's  _angelic_ influence.” Raphael deadpans. A few giggles can be heard, some decent enough to suppress them, some not.

Jace is about to step towards the two to give them a piece of his mind, but Alec's holding him back, silently placing a hand on his shoulder, his eyes never leaving Magnus.

The warlock looks sordidly unimpressed and just a little pissed at his old friends. He takes a deep breath, shakes out his shoulders and closes his eyes.

He remembers the feeling of going to that realm within himself, a gaping chasm in which if he were swallowed hole, he would not return from. Thankfully he knows he only has to scratch at the brink of it to do this... easier said than done, though.

“I really don't think-”

He can hear several people gasp suddenly and as he opens his eyes, he stares at his hand, as is everyone else.

His blue magic appeared, a flame of it, but it is covered by a dark veil, and there are lines on his skin, woven into it in squiggles, moving like snakes, gradually becoming darker.

Alec is the most fascinated, apart from Max probably, staring at every tiny detail of Magnus' hand becoming the evidence of the presence of something else... something otherworldly inside of Magnus. And when his eyes open, they're no longer just his golden cat eyes, they're opaque with golden specs, reminding him of stars in a night sky.

Magnus can hear it now, whispers of long forgotten voices, spoken only in his mind, traces of languages unheard by humans, unheard by most creatures. He feels a cold shower skimming over every part of his body. He doesn't dare look at anyone and closes his eyes again, willing more of this frightening power to reveal itself.

When his eyes open again, they are almost completely black, one golden spec in the middle remaining in each. His hand and forearm are dark grey, covered with more black marks and his fingers turned into claws, his palm bearing the darkest flame, a small blue light in its midst.

Magnus is as transfixed on himself as everyone else seems to be. And there's a heat inside of him that's seething and more disastrous than anything he's ever known.

“Magnus! The stones, you have to get the maps out of the stones!” Max steps forward, being held up by his father who cannot help the inbred fear and caution of his Shadowhunter being, and the need to keep his son from harm.

Magnus' eyes move towards the boy with a speed so fast, the movement cannot be seen with the naked eye. The voices in his head are suddenly louder, he's starting to comprehend...

“Magnus, Max is right, break the stones.” Alec stepped into Magnus' vision, faced directly with the sight of his demonic orbs. He's transfixed by their truculent beauty. He's never going to be afraid of this, of _any_  part of  _Magnus._

The warlock seems to understand, nodding fleetingly, his eyes flicking to the bowl with the three red stones in front of him on the table. He moves his hand, the flame growing, bickering stronger. Alec moves back a little, out of the direct zone of Magnus' powers, noticing how everyone else seems to have moved backwards a little, as well.

They watch in a state similar to hypnosis as Magnus' black magic leaves his palm, slides along the stones as if caressing them, takes them into its deadly grip and crushes them without leaving a single trace behind.

Feeling that kind of power is tempting him for more. And there is so much more... he could be so much more... he pulls his arm back, forcing the darkness to retreat back into the abyss of his soul and as he blinks, his golden orbs have returned, his hand completely void of any touch of the darkness.

Max is the first to move, freeing himself from his dad's grip and running forward, checking the bowl. When he sees the three papers inside he rushes to Magnus and flings his arms around his middle, grinning up at him. “You did it! Thanks!”

Magnus looks down at him surprised, then relief sets in and he smiles, and ruffles Max's hair. “Of course, you're welcome, now, let's see-”

Ragnor snatched the papers from the bowl and Catarina is there with the globe and everyone's gathering around it, except Max who's rushing to get the notes, then joins the others. Magnus shrugs and leaves them to it, he's done his part, and he still feels an ominous prickly sensation throughout himself.

“You're stunning, Magnus Bane.” Magnus almost missed the only person who didn't join the hustle and bustle in front of him, almost.

Alec's standing close enough to make both their skins tingle, interlacing his fingers with Magnus', chasing away every last remaining sensation of what Magnus just felt. They're smiling affectionately at each other, getting a little lost, their mouths drawing each other in, about to touch lips.

“We found it! We found them all!” Max is consisting purely of explosive excitement, jumping up and down before he rushes towards his big brother and favorite warlock friend of them all.

“Look! One is in Melbourne, one in Beijing and one in Armenia!” Alec and Magnus share a little regretful but fond look and give Max their full attention.

“Good, now we need to figure out where exactly.” Magnus says, smiling at the boy.

“On it!” Simon and Luke say simultaneously, staring at their phone screens. Actually, as they glance around, everyone but Ragnor and Raphael have their phones out.

Magnus shakes his head a little in amusement. “Well, I see you all have everything under control here... so I... we... are going to freshen up.” He pulls Alec along, hardly gaining any reaction from anyone at all, and they disappear in their bedroom.

Alec finds himself pressed against the door the instant it closes, Magnus' lips and tongue coaxing his own lips apart to ravish his mouth, his arms flung around Alec's neck while Alec's hands are gripping Magnus' waist.

A couple minutes later they part just enough to lean foreheads together, both fighting for air.

“I needed that.” Magnus whispers, a smile evident in his voice.

“Yeah, me too.” Alec's running his hands over Magnus' sides, relishing in his soft shivers.

“I really wish we didn't have a living-room full of nosy wannabe detectives.” Magnus sighs.

“Well, there's one real detective.” Alec grins slightly. “Maybe after this, you know, we can just... find some time for ourselves again.”

“Oh, certainly, Alexander, I won't have it any other way.” Magnus is full of conviction that sends relief through Alec.

They kiss again for a long moment then force themselves apart, before Alec can slide the doors open, however, Magnus pulls him back.

“Alexander, thank you.” There's a notion of vulnerability in his eyes that scathes Alec's heart, and he needs a moment to collect himself to show him a lopsided, gentle smile.

“No.” Not for this. He shakes his head slightly, pecks Magnus' lips and tugs him out of the room.

* * *

“It's impossible to know which date belongs to which place, but we got lucky with one, Beijing seems to only have one famous building built within the timeline of these dates, in 1420, so we're assuming that's the one.”

Luke catches them up and Magnus nods. “Alright then, which building is it?”

“The Temple of Heaven!” Simon is quick to answer, bursting with excitement as much as Max is.

“Lucky indeed, I've been there before – now, before all of you volunteer to come along, we still need to figure out the other two buildings, and I won't have more than five in this company of misfits, Alexander excluded.”

“I'm not coming?” Alec is frowning, not at all prepared to stay behind.

“No, my love, I meant, you're not a misfit.” Magnus smirks at him. “Of course you're coming.” Alec is satisfied with that.

“As am I.” Ragnor says resolutely, not leaving any room to argue. Magnus nods at him.

“I'd like Jace to come, too.” Alec turns to his Parabatai who is perking up at that and joins the three of them.

“I've never been to Beijing.” Jocelyn muses and after a quick share of looks with Luke and Clary joins the others, as well. Izzy was about to volunteer, too, but stays quiet, making a mental note to definitely come along next time.

“You can come, too, darling, there's room for one more.” Magnus winks at Isabelle and her face lights up with excitement as she hurries to their side.

“Wonderful, the rest of you can draw charts or something.” Magnus quips, feeling amused at these people who usually jump at every opportunity but seem to finally be too immersed in solving this puzzle to want to come along to every adventure. He's especially glad that Max and Simon are staying, those two alone would probably figure it out eventually, but they're in useful company.

“I'm going back to the hotel, I got business to take care of.” Raphael excuses himself and leaves, but Magnus has no doubt he will check in to learn every detail later.

* * *

After saying their until soons and securing their weapons, Magnus opens a portal and the six of them find themselves amidst... a pathway and a lot of trees all around, not a building to be seen.

“Is this really the right place?” Jace frowns, observing his whereabouts.

“Yes, my suspicious friend.” Magnus retorts. “This is the park surrounding the temple, I want to stake out the area a bit before entering. Let's pair up. Alec and I will take this path straight ahead, Izzy and Jace you'll head east until you see a couple stone statues, then head north straight towards the temple, Jocelyn and Ragnor you head west until you reach a meadow, then also head north to the temple, call us if you find anything... suspicious.” He smirks at Jace, who huffs in fake annoyance, and they scatter.

“It seems like you slept a little better recently.” Magnus is refraining from taking the Shadowhunter's hand, though he'd not mind plucking it out of Alec's pocket, where he pushed it into. But they're kind of on a mission and all... and needing to stay alert, he reminds himself, but can't help this opportunity of being alone with him. The people in the park can neither see nor hear them.

Alec glances over at him, nodding slightly. “I seem to always dream something, but the last two times at least, it was different from before.” And he is so very grateful for that.

“Different how?” Magnus really can't help himself, he knows he and Lydia talked, and he and Jace, and he really wants Alec to confide in him, spill everything, at least something...

Alec's features become more pensive, his lips pursing. He really wants to tell Magnus... he's not sure if he'll manage to say everything, but now that dam is having a few holes after talking to Lydia and Jace, he really wants to break it down completely, with Magnus.

“Just... there's a lot of fire in them... and strange stuff that makes no sense... but it's much better than before... and...” He halts and meets Magnus' eyes. “I know we need to talk, properly, and I want to... but...” He glances around at the people and the place and is glad when he sees understanding in his boyfriend's face.

“Alright, one more delay, but I will hold you to it at the very nearest convenience.” Magnus is gentle but serious and Alec nods in a silent promise.

They reach the end of the park a few minutes later, looking up at the stone walls, and long staircase leading to the temple.

Alec looks at Magnus, and something inside him connects and somehow just knows. “You're feeling it again, aren't you?” He inquires softly.

Magnus nods slowly, gazing up at where he can see the peak of the temple. The same odd sensation that led him to the Belvedere all those years ago. But this time he has what he's been missing before. But he's missing something else. The desperate need to find it, this time, he'd rather not know anything about any of this at all.

The other four join them soon after without anything to report and together they climb the stairs and cross the gate to the huge square, the temple right in the middle of it.

* * *

“Apparently the temple was built to perform solemn rites by the Son of Heaven who prayed for good harvests and sought divine clearance and atonement.”

Jace turns back to Jocelyn, frowning. “How'd you know that?”

“I can read.” She points to a sign that shows the information in a few languages.

“Figures.” Jace winks at her and they smirk at each other, heading after the others who reached one of the entrances.

“Do you know where it is?” Izzy has been observing Magnus closely, sharing looks with her big brother.

Magnus doesn't just know it, he can feel it much more urgently than in Vienna. The demon stone, concealed in his pocket, is calling to whatever secret the temple bears, and it is also calling to him.

He leads them inside, down a stairwell and to a locked door in the back which he quickly magicks open, heading further downwards a staircase that gets used much less frequently. When they reach the bottom there is just an empty space, confined with grey walls.

“Not quite so impressive down here.” Izzy looks around in the hope of spotting anything but grey.

“Not a place I have to come back to, to be honest.” Jocelyn agrees next to her.

“We won't have to come back, we just have to get that demon thing.” Jace watches as Magnus opens his palm, Alec's scarf with the demon stone inside appearing out of nowhere.

Magnus unfolds the fabric so the stone is visible, the red lines within the blackness moving ominously, sending an iciness along his spine. He moves purposefully, guided by demonic energy. He spots the black marks Luke found at the museum and a moment later as he holds the stone close to them, part of the wall starts to move.

* * *

“What the fuck?!” Jace cries out.

“What is this?” Jocelyn.

“I can't see anything, everyone still here?” Izzy.

“I'm here! Alec? Magnus?” There are two green flames dancing on Ragnor's palms, enough for Izzy who's next to him to spot him, but the blackness is too dense to see anyone else.

“We're here!” Alec shouts, having gripped onto Magnus the moment the darkness engulfed them.

“What happened, guys? Why can't we see anything?” Izzy.

Magnus feels a little woozy, having a feeling he saw something he should remember but cannot. He feels Alec's hands on him and is relieved to have him close, and to know the others are still here. He takes a step forward and yells.

“Magnus?!” Alec could feel him move and... fall...? He pulled him up and back against himself immediately.

“What was that? Guys?!” Their friends are all shouting, panic in their voices.

“Do not move!” Magnus' voice is booming in the darkness.

When he stepped forward, he didn't just lose the ground beneath his foot, he tread into wetness... water...

He composes himself, making sure Alec is safe, then quickly snaps blue light into life, pushing it out from his hands straight ahead, forming a garland of blue spheres all along the space in front of them, which seems to be much larger than the room they stood in just a few minutes ago.

Ragnor is doing the same at his end and a garland of green lights is forming parallel to Magnus', several meters apart.

“That's the best we seem to be able to do, something is keeping out real light.” Magnus is trying to see anything in the darkness in front of them, but there is just more darkness.

“It's okay! At least we can all see each other now!” Izzy is right at the end of their row and Alec wishes she were closer, right next to him preferably. At least Jace is only a couple of meters away from him.

They seem to be still standing on stone, but they can all hear it now. Water. Right in front of them.

Magnus' grip on Alec is tightening and Alec squeezes his arm reassuringly. He knows Magnus is usually good with water, so good no one would ever guess... but he remembers all too vividly how Magnus recalled the feeling of drowning, the darkness, the cold, wet death filling his lungs, the agony. Even if just unconsciously, he must be reminded of it right now.

“I think I can hear something!” Jocelyn shouts and they're suddenly all holding their breaths.

Their heartbeats are all too loud in their ears but gradually the sound gets louder, comes closer... the sound of something... swimming in the water, parting the liquid to make room for... it.

Until it's silent again.

“What the hell?” Jace, who has his seraph blade readily in hand, as do Izzy and Jocelyn, is sharing a confused look with his brother.

Alec feels extremely restless, worried and scared. Whatever this is, none of them had expected this to happen, and he wonders if something similar had at the museum, and if so, how did the demons get out of it?

“We should try to get closer together.” Ragnor suggests, looking to everyone to see if they agree. Izzy, Jocelyn and Jace nod.

Alec is busy trying to figure out what is happening in Magnus' head, because he can tell something is, and the strained expression on his face doesn't make him guess anything good.

“Magnus? Love? You're OK, we're good right here.” He murmurs into his ear, caressing his cheek.

Magnus takes a deep breath and turns toward Alec's face. “I have a really bad feeling about this.” Alec feels a cold dread creeping up inside him.

From the corner of his eye Magnus can see Ragnor and Jocelyn starting to move in sidesteps towards them, just as something is shooting out of the water directly at the red-haired Shadowhunter.

“JOCELYN!” He yells but it's too late.

The thing, monster, creature - its large head resembling that of a horse, all black, a long mane, dripping with water – grabs her arm with its mouth and pulls her off the stone, vanishing with her in the dark water. They can only stare in sheer horror.

“NO! No no no!” Jace is frantically gaping, looking, moving a step here and there, trying to see, to find her, panic threatening to choke him as he imagines having to tell Clary what happened to her mom... The others are all gathered around the space where Jocelyn stood a few seconds ago, also trying to see.

“What the hell was that!?” Izzy feels how her hands are shaking, hell, her whole body is. They're all in shock.

“A... Kelpie.” Ragnor whispers, hardly believing his own words.

Magnus is glancing at him, instantly realizing he's right.

“What the fuck is that?! We have to get her out, we have to find her!” Jace looks like he's about to jump into the darkness after her.

Alec wraps an arm firmly around his brother's waist, holding him back. He can't let him do that without knowing what exactly is down there and if they have any chance at all of getting her back alive.

“It's a made up mythical creature... a shapeshifting water spirit usually in the guise of a horse, sometimes half fish and sometimes half human, living in water, preying on humans.” Ragnor's horror-filled mind is reciting what he read about it.

“HOW is this possible?! It's a mundane myth! NOT real!” Jace is close to tears and none of them know the answers, or why this is happening, or how they could possibly escape this nightmare they stumbled into.

“I think it's coming back!” Izzy yells, having spotted something in the dark water, gripping her blade harder with both hands.

Alec lets go of Jace, deglamours his bow and quiver and readies an arrow, trying to see what Izzy saw. He spots it and shoots.

“Did you hit it?!” Jace is trying to see, as they all are.

“I'm not sure.” Alec damn hopes he did!

The water starts to bubble not two meters away from them, and before Alec can fetch another arrow, the creature jumps out, its mouth, spiked with dozens of sharp teeth, shrieking so loud it's threatening to burst their eardrums, making them all want to cover them up.

Magnus is finally coming out of his daze and shooting magic at it, a blue cloud enclosing it, confining it right there in front of them. It's quiet.

“What do we do?” Izzy asks, staring at the monster that hardly resembles anything she's ever seen.

“Kill it, of course!” Jace is so ready, even if that won't bring the woman who's been like a second mother and friend to him, back, he will at least avenge her death.

“No, wait!” Alec who was about to shoot another arrow at it, is drawing back, looking at Magnus confused, waiting for an explanation.

Magnus is staring at the creature, its eyes as black as the rest of it, but its pupils are white, and he feels like they're drawing him in... and then he can hear it.  _Bring me._

He feels bewildered and uneasy at having yet another voice in his mind, most of all he's trying to figure out what the creature wants.

_Bring me... give me... save..._

He can't tell why but he's losing focus and the creature can suddenly move again, leaping forward with another shriek.

Jace jumps and this time no one can hold him back. His blade pierces through the monster's torso, slicing it all the way open to its fish-like belly. Its screams are blood-curdling as it crashes back into the water, taking Jace with it.

Izzy and Alec shout simultaneously, ready to jump after their brother as they suddenly find themselves back in the grey-walled room from before. The water is gone, as is the monster...

“Jocelyn!” Jace is there, wet but unharmed, rushing to the other Shadowhunter who's lying on the floor, unmoving. Izzy rushes to their side and after a minute of resuscitation, Jocelyn is moving, coughing out remnants of the black water, but she's OK and they can hardly believe their luck.

“Magnus!” Alec felt a weird sensation in his back, standing the furthest away from the others, and as he turned and saw the body, he panicked a little bit after what they had just experienced.

But now he can see there's no need to... because she's dead.

 


	38. Demonic Heritage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, thank you terribly much for kudos and amazing comments and incredible love through tumblr and thanks to my incredibly kind and lovely parabeta <3 
> 
> Also... I've cried seeing and reading these two gifts... I have no words for how grateful I am and how awed at your kindness and talent... 
> 
> [beautiful gif set for this story by reivenesque](http://reivenesque.tumblr.com/post/149875017998/magnus-arms-are-stretched-out-at-his-sides-his) please check it out and leave them some love <3
> 
>  
> 
> [beautiful ficlet by baneofwonderland, apparently inspired by this story](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7995529) it is perfect and I love it so much and please check it out and leave them some love <3
> 
>  
> 
> One more thing...
> 
> So I'm going to England for a couple of weeks next week and I wanted to finish another chapter before that but I haven't even managed to start it... so this will be the last one for a longer while, sorry...

Magnus is right by his side, still staring at the body when Alec moves to get closer, crouching down, checking vital signs even though he knows it's useless.

“Jace!” Alec yells for his brother who comes rushing, the same shocked expression on his face when he sees her.

“Tell me this isn't...” Alec almost begs his Parabatai, but he  _knows_ , just as he knew she was dead the moment he spotted her.

Jace reaches out a hand, very gently pushing some purple hair out of the small face, green, dead eyes are staring back at them.

They share a saddened look and stand.

“What's going on? Who is she?” Izzy and the others gathered around the body, looking to the brothers for an explanation.

“Five years ago, or six... or seven?” Alec's mind feels frazzled suddenly, how long was he gone again and how long was any of it? He looks to Jace for help, and thankfully his brother understood instantly, even before Alec's eyes pleaded him.

“About six years ago, Alec and I were on a training mission with dad and a few others, and we came across faerie folk. They were looking for their sister. They were so out of it they didn't even care who we were, they begged us for help and told us she was out by the lake, skipping stones and picking flowers and her two older sisters and her twin brother weren't far away, but when they came looking for her, she was gone.” Jace looks down again at the body with a mournful expression. “It's her. She looks exactly like her twin.”

Alec nods, pressing his lips together, staring at the small faerie. He'd recognize her anywhere. Purple hair, green eyes, fair skin, a necklace made of corn flowers around her neck. His mind is spinning.  _How_ is she here? Did that monster get her? Was she in that black water all this time? How is any of this possible? How will her family feel when they give them the news, deliver her body... he's fighting his tears and the bail rising in his throat, and he controls himself just, crouches down and lifts the small, cold, body into his arms. His eyes lock with Magnus' for a split moment and they step through the portal seconds later.

* * *

The smiles on their friends' and family's faces fade in an instant when they see the sorrow-filled expressions of the returned. And the body Alec's carrying.

Robert steps forward, a shocked expression on his face. “What... is that... how is that possible? Where did you find her?” Alec swallows hard and follows Magnus who has prepared the sofa for her body and Alec lies her down gently on the sheet, then turns towards his father and the others, everyone watching silently, but a dozen questions on their minds.

Catarina is taking a look at Jocelyn to make sure she's alright, Clary and Luke next to them, worry written on their faces, and also at Jace who protests vehemently at first, but one look from Alec and he lets the healer proceed. Meanwhile Izzy, Ragnor, and Alec are recounting what happened in Beijing. Magnus is uncharacteristically quiet in the background. 

The room is quiet, everyone troubled or trying to let what they heard sink in. Robert finally shakes himself. “I'm going to contact her family, they should be reunited as soon as possible.” He looks at his four children with such woe, it knocks the breath out of Alec, then Robert leaves to the study to send a fire message. He kept in contact with the faerie family occasionally, their story and missing daughter and sister never quite letting him go. They had tried everything they could think of to find her at the time, but she had vanished without a trace, like Alec back then, and Robert feels unspeakable joy that his son came back alive, and unspeakable sorrow that their daughter didn't.

Catarina steps to Magnus, glancing at the body on the sofa. “We should examine her, maybe we'll find out what happened.”

As she moves, Magnus' hand is suddenly on her forearm, firm but gentle. “I think I know.” His voice is so soft, yet laced with pain she doesn't know where it's coming from, sending a cold shower down her spine.

They move away from the people in the room, Magnus wanting to speak to her privately, but Ragnor steps up. “No secrets, not now, not about this, Magnus.” Ragnor is clearly still shaken, and Magnus understands, but he really is at a point where he doesn't know how long he can do any of this anymore. He feels so wrong inside, hollowed out and at the end of his rope. But he keeps going, for everyone, for Alec. But it's getting so much harder...

Nonetheless he nods and treads closer again, everyone's eyes on him now, and though he used to like and ravel in these sensations, the attention, it's wearing him down even more now.

“The monster, the Kelpie, it spoke to me, in my mind. I think it wanted help, I think the faerie was trapped inside it against her will and asked to be saved... but I don't know how we could have done that.” Especially because the monster still tried to kill them all, and he has no idea what kind of power or magic did it.

Alec feels the pang of horror and guilt and immediately crosses the distance to his brother, cupping his neck, making Jace look into his eyes. “It's not your fault, all of us would have killed it, we had no way of knowing.” Alec's determined to erase any and every part of Jace's guilt over killing it – her, if Magnus is right, but Alec's not questioning him – and pulls his brother into a tight hug, closing his eyes, hoping he can take away some of his brother's sorrow. There's too much, there's always too much, and Alec just wants it all gone, gone, gone! And never return. 

Magnus has been watching the brothers with a heavy heart, now glancing back at his healer friend. “I fear we have to find out everything about this, we have to know what's written in the original papers.”

Catarina nods slowly, her eyes drawn to Ragnor who's stepping closer. “How do we translate them, though?” She asks Magnus again.

“ _We_  don't.”

* * *

Robert comes back with a message from the faerie's family. “Her name is Yula, I'd forgotten. Her family is awaiting us, Alec, Jace, you don't have to come-”

“We're coming.” Alec speaks for them both, not needing to see Jace's confirmative nod to know he agrees.

“Me too.” Izzy steps next to them, looking adamant at her dad. She wasn't there when they met the faeries, but she remembers hearing about it, and if her dad and brothers are going, so is she.

Robert just nods, turning towards Magnus, Catarina and Ragnor. “I don't want to impose, but we would be considerably faster if-”

Magnus raises a hand and steps closer. “Say no more, I'll open a portal that will take you to the entrance of the faerie forest. You have been there before?”

Robert nods, feeling eminent gratitude. Alec and Jace carefully wrapped the sheet around Yula's body which is again resting in Alec's arms, his eyes locking with Magnus', sharing sentiments beyond words before the four of them vanish in the purple frame.

* * *

Magnus is scanning the room, noticing Max sitting on the floor, his arms around his angled up legs, looking lost. He walks over, crouches down and places a hand on the boy's shoulder, waiting for his eyes to glance up at him.

“What's the matter, Maxwell?” Magnus' voice is a gentle breeze and his eyes sparkle just a little as he sees Max's lips form the tiniest smile. Magnus is the only one allowed to call him by that name, at least the only one who he doesn't get mad at for doing it. Because it means that he's special in Magnus' eyes, just like Alec is and why Magnus calls him Alexander.

“Nothing really. I'm just sad about the dead faerie and what happened to you guys. Do you think the same happened at the museum? The demons would have just killed anyone, right? Maybe someone else was trapped there?”

There is such pure compassion in Max's eyes, it takes a lot out of Magnus to ignore the sharp, painful clenching of his gut, the compressions of his heart that steal the air from his lungs.

He places an arm around the boy and pulls him against his side, glad when he feels Max's arms close around his waist and they can spend comfort for each other. He needn't answer Max's questions, the boy seems to know it's what Magnus fears, as well. And there is nothing any of them can do about it now. He can only hope that the small object in his pocket, which he retrieved quickly before following the others through the portal back in the temple, will give them some answers.

* * *

It's been a few years since they were here last, in spring at the time. Alec and Jace remember the sparkling river, the green bushes and leaves, the calmness of the huge trees. Animals swimming in the river, playing in the trees. Everything was vibrant with life and spirit.

The river is frozen now, the bushes and trees covered with glistening snow. It's still beautiful, but tarnished by their reason of being here. And to the four of them it seems as if even nature knows, and weeps for the dead soul they're bringing home.

The entrance of the forest resembles a gate in the widest, biggest tree any of them have ever seen, dozens of chains of icy crystals adorning it. And only seconds after they arrive, the chains part and half a dozen of faeries come through, dressed not in lively colors as usual, but grey and black robes and coats, all of their faces speaking of immeasurable sorrow.

Alec feels how Jace's courage is swaying, and having no other means still carrying the faerie's body, presses his arm against his brother's shoulder, grateful as he notices Izzy on Jace's other side interlocking their fingers.

Robert bows slightly before he speaks to the faerie man who came forward, his green eyes glued to the body wrapped in the sheet in the tall, dark man's arms.

Robert turns, gesturing to Alec to step closer who follows his father's request immediately. “I'm very sorry for your loss.” Alec says softly as he outstretches his arms and the body within towards the faerie who takes Yula's body from him, his face riddled with anguish as he takes a look at her face.

“Thank you all for bringing her here.” He turns and walks away, disappearing behind the crystal chains in the tree.

Alec feels lost suddenly with his arms bare, trying to imagine their heartache. Izzy and Jace are by his side again and Jace grabs one of his hands, tears showing in his multi-faceted eyes. Alec squeezes his hand, hoping the gesture and the compassion in his eyes will give him comfort and courage.

“Who killed my sister?”

Their heads fly towards the tear-filled voice, a tear-stained face with green eyes, short purple hair, and a cornflower necklace in their view. They recognize her twin brother instantly. His older sisters not far behind.

“We didn't know it was her-” Alec races to defend Jace, but his brother stops him, lets go of Izzy's and Alec's hands and takes a step toward the faerie.

“I killed a monster that attacked us, and I didn't know your sister was trapped inside, but I did kill her.” Jace is ready to face anything the faerie might throw at him, he has every right to in his grief.

The faerie steps closer, takes a long look at Jace and finally takes both his hands, crossing them over each other, his smaller hands around them. “Thank you for freeing her, and bringing her to us. We must no longer wonder because of you, and we can bury her now and find closure in our grief.” He bows in front of Jace, as do his sisters behind him and then they hurry back into the tree.

Alec and Izzy each wrap an arm around Jace's back, relieved and impressed by the faerie's graciousness. Jace is still too stunned to speak, a tear flowing from both of his eyes as he flings an arm around each of his siblings and they cocoon him fully into their embrace, their father watching with moist eyes and an admiring, little smile.

* * *

When Magnus is sure enough that Max is feeling better, now talking with Simon on his phone to Raphael, he gestures for Catarina and Ragnor to follow him. However, before they can disappear in his study, Luke moves into his way, looking at him suspiciously, requesting to know what's going on.

Magnus sighs inwardly at his friends who are all so damn demanding. “Strictly warlock business... for now.” He concedes and even though Luke isn't satisfied with that he lets them proceed.

Magnus magics the door closed to be sure they won't be disrupted for a little while at least, and without beating about the bush, takes out the object he found with the demon stone and holds it out in his palm, showing it to them.

“What's this? Another stone?” Ragnor regards it warily. Catarina steps closer and observes it more thoroughly. It looks like a stone, sort of. It fits right in the middle of Magnus' palm, a thin, oval shaped form, a smooth, granite-colored surface.

“That's the apparent weapon, or part of it, as I'm sure there was something similar in the museum and most likely will be in the other two locations.” Magnus has no idea what it is or what it is supposed to do, he doesn't feel anything from it, unlike from the demon stone, and he's sure something must be done to 'activate' it.

“So, if Alistair has the other one, and let's say we need four of these, how do we get it even if we do find the other two?” Ragnor doesn't like any of these developments anymore, he was excited about it at first, glad to have a proper distraction from the tormented goings on in his mind, but now this has also turned into more danger than he's willing to deal with right now.

“We don't have to have them all, we just have to make sure he won't get the others. If, and that is a big fucking if, these things really can be used to control a Prince of Hell, all we have to do is make sure they  _can't_  be used, at least not by the wrong person. The more pressing matter is this... monster business. When it spoke to me, it said  _bring_... I can't stop thinking about that and my half done translation. It said  _bring_  but I never found out what the rest of it was, but now I'm pretty sure it has something to do with this. There must be something we could have given it to free her. And unless we find out what that is, we don't even have to attempt finding the other two, because we likely will have to kill them, too.” He closes his eyes for a moment, taking a breath, before he meets his friends' eyes again.

“I've always known those Princes were cunning and unscrupulous, but coming up with an elaborate conundrum such as this, and using completely innocent creatures to fulfill their deviant amusement is beyond anything I've ever seen. And, admittedly, beyond the powers I thought they had, which is slightly disconcerting.” His voice oozes with sarcasm and he needs a moment to calm himself, he feels a kind of frustration and even betrayal he seldom felt before, not in this way, and most of all he feels foolish, going through his damn immortal life, never really knowing the full extent of powers - of evil powers - in his world – his world including more than one.

“So, what are we supposed to do about it? We can't translate those documents by ourselves!” Ragnor is impatient and scared, and he can't think of anything- his eyes suddenly grow wide, meeting Magnus' glowing ones. “No, wait a minute-”

“I'm afraid we don't even have a minute to spare, Catarina I need you here, Ragnor, please go and see if our friends are ready to come back, then I also need you with Catarina, and please don't argue with me right now.”

Ragnor was about to do just that, but the desperate look on Magnus' face, more so the underlying fatigue and sadness, shut him right up.

* * *

Robert is giving them a long moment before stepping up to his three children. He places a hand on Jace's shoulder, gently squeezing and one on Isabelle's arm. “We should head back to the loft, without a portal it will take us quite a while.”

Jace has been soaking up every ounce of strength, compassion and love from his siblings and he's trying his best to trust them and the faerie and believe that it isn't his fault and he couldn't have changed it. He inhales deeply and steps back, loosening their tight embrace and turns to his father, pulls him into a hug which Robert, first surprised, returns.

Izzy is smiling softly at them, then searches her big brother's eyes who is glancing at her but avoiding looking at anyone particularly.

“Alright, let's go.” Jace steps back, wipes his face and they start walking, stopping in their tracks as they see a very familiar person walking towards them.

“Thought you could do with some magic before you freeze your toes off.” Ragnor quips and opens another portal for them all to go through. He waves their expressions of gratitude off and ushers them to hurry.

Back in the loft Ragnor disappears immediately in the study and the other four are met with comments of comfort and hugs and Max latches onto Jace's neck who lifts him and holds him tightly.

They talk quietly as Alec suddenly becomes aware of Magnus, otherwise unseen, disappearing in their bedroom. He waits a couple of minutes, then steps away inconspicuously, or so he thought until he sees Simon, softly smiling at him. They nod at each other and Alec leaves, too.

* * *

“Leave it, please.”

Alec's hand that was about to turn on the light freezes and drops to his side. He was surprised to find the room completely dark, but apparently it's intentional. He can still see enough and sits down on the edge of the bed, turning towards Magnus who is sitting with his legs outstretched, his back leant against the pillows.

He knows him well enough to know that he's anything but alright.

“How did her family take getting her back?”

Alec dismisses what he might have said and focuses on Magnus' question instead.

“They... they were relieved, I think... they seemed glad to finally know what happened and to be able to bury her, even if... you know.” She's dead and no one can do anything about it.

Magnus nods once. “The unknown is always the worst form of torture.”

His golden eyes are suddenly gazing at Alec and the Shadowhunter feels cold shudders creeping along his body. He swallows heavily and averts his eyes, tremendous guilt squeezing his insides.

“How's Jace?” Alec can deduct honest concern in Magnus' voice, but also something else, faintly underneath, that increases his discomfort.

“Alright... he will be, he blames himself but none of us could have known or changed anything, and he knows no one's blaming him, not even her family, so he has to be okay.” Alec won't accept anything else, he has to believe it himself, they will  _all_  be okay eventually. It's easier again to get distracted by what's happening presently, focus on solving puzzles, thinking about what Alistair and demons could be scheming, worrying about his friends and family, ignoring his own omnipresent struggles. But in the dark, quiet moments, he knows they haven't left him.

Magnus nods, looking ahead again. They're both silent, both feeling their chest tightening, fighting with the strain of unspoken words.

“So what are Cat and Ragnor doing? You guys have a plan, right?” They always do, they have to have one now, they're their only hope of ever finding out what's happening.

Magnus is silent for the longest time and Alec is really starting to lose it a little, feeling pushed closer to some invisible edge, not knowing what lies beyond it, but it just cannot be anything good.

“How about we play a game? You answer one of my questions and I answer one of yours?”

Alec's frowning deeply, Magnus' golden eyes again resting on his face. He really doesn't feel any better like this! “Magnus, I don't want to play games, you can just ask.”

“Oh, really? Can I  _just_? Well, of course I can ask, but will you  _answer_ , is the true question, isn't it? Because I've asked before, many times, but answers I got very few.”

Alec opens his mouth, closes it again, unable to shake off the uneasiness and guilt and natural need to defend himself which he squelches right away because he knows he doesn't have a right to feel that way.

Magnus regrets his words, or rather the way he worded them, and his inability of leaving his hurt and bitterness out of it. He can't seem to get over how defenseless and weak he's been feeling for such a long time and for some reason it doesn't get any better and he constantly feels on the verge of cracking, and pressure keeps building and soaring, especially now with what he must do. He could as well be set on fire and once the cord runs out of length he will blow up.

He's trying to compose himself again and apologize to Alec whose head is now turned away, his upper body slumped, and Magnus loathes himself and his stupid mouth. He's moving a hand to touch him, comfort him, tell him what a bastard he is and that he didn't mean-

“You were tortured right in front of me and I couldn't do anything... and when you asked me to end your pain I couldn't even do that.”

Magnus' hand is suddenly petrified in mid-air. His skin is riddled with ice-cold pin-pricks, his airways struggling to breathe at all.

“I saw my siblings and you get killed over and over and it was the most horrible pain I've ever felt... but then it got so much worse.”

His arm lands back on the bed without him even noticing as he's staring at the back of Alec's neck, only aware of the enormity of the anguish in his voice.

“The first time it happened was in the underground prison. I begged them not to let me sleep but they didn't listen. So I had to go back there... Jace was in the room with me, he was terrified and it took me a while until I understood that he was terrified because of me... he was scared  _of_ me. Because I was the one who put him there, I was the one who hurt him... I... killed him. I had a dagger and I killed him and I  _liked_  it. And then I went on and killed Simon and Izzy... and then you and Max were there and I almost killed... Max... but... but I killed you before I came back, before I woke up. And even without the thing in my head it went on. I... developed this dream self of me... and he made me throw my parents off a cliff, and he made me kill Jace, I fought it, I fought him, myself, it drove me half insane, and then I couldn't fight any longer and I killed my brother... why I... couldn't kill that shapeshifter. I was... crazy... I couldn't trust myself or what was happening, because all I could see, all I felt was how I pushed that blade into him and took his life... and this time it was just  _me,_ not some magic... it was _me_  and I felt like I was becoming this... madman... monster...”

Magnus is beyond dismayed, moving almost unnoticeably, kneeling just behind Alec now, needing nothing more than to wrap him into his arms and take every piece of misery away, every torturous memory, but he is forcing himself to stay put, afraid to even touch him just the same, and he will never again even attempt to use magic against Alec, no matter what, he won't even suggest it. It will have to come from Alec or not at all.

He hears how his Shadowhunter breathes labouredly and is desperately trying to find words to spend a little comfort.

“I know it's not really me... I mean... I hope... I know we all have a bad side to us, something that makes us think and feel bad things... but as long as we know it's wrong and don't act on it, it's okay... and I would never... hurt any of you like that... I would never kill you...” There's another sharp intake of breath and Magnus holds his own again.

“I know I've failed you so hard, and I'm so sorry, because you did do everything to make me feel like I was worth something, so much more than I ever believed, and I did feel that way, because of how you loved me and cared for me and challenged me. I never understood what you saw in me, even that first time... you helped me help myself, so I could figure out who I wanted to be and get there and you were always there, every day... I let all this in my head consume me and break me and now... I'm trying to piece myself together again, so I can be who I was again, but I don't know how long that will-”

Magnus can't take it anymore and finally wraps his strong arms around Alec's shoulders, squeezing his love against his broad chest, resting his chin in the crook of Alec's neck, their faces pressed together. He can hear Alec's surprised gasp and rattling breaths and he tightens his embrace around him even more.

The words come flooding from him now the gate is open and he would have said a lot more but feeling Magnus so suddenly, becoming aware of his presence again and being reminded of how badly he needs him and how much he cares, Alec concentrates all of himself on this feeling of pure safety and grounding he's craving urgently.

“Alexander, I love you beyond the universe's infinite space, above any being I've ever let into my heart. I can't remember a time when I didn't love you, and I'll love you until I can't forget how to. You're everything good and beautiful, brave and strong and kind, and without you in this world I don't want to even exi-”

There's a couple loud knocks before the doors slide open, throwing them into light, Ragnor and Catarina appearing. “It's done.” Ragnor's trying to mask his unease and Catarina is looking apologetic, but they both know there's no time to spare and Magnus will want to get it over with as soon as possible.

Alec turns his head back to look at Magnus who slowly moves away, his arms still lighter around him. There's so much left to say, to comprehend, to work out between them, but he knows this is essential even if he doesn't know what it's about. Magnus meets his eyes for a moment, and Alec loses his breath, being pulled into specters of golden and black depths, until they're suddenly gone and he blinks. Magnus' lips caress his forehead, one of his hands that feels cold on Alec's cheek. Then he's gone, off the bed and Alec's left alone in the room. He shakes himself and hurries after the others.

“Everyone, please listen, you need to leave now. Catarina, Ragnor and I need the space.” Magnus announces, trying to rid himself of these sputtering, swirling emotions his talk with Alec emitted. He wants to be unfeeling and masked for a while, at least until he's done. He needs to focus.

“Why? What are you doing?” Max is the first to ask what everyone wants to know.

Magnus wants to just magic them all away to have some peace but he's cussing himself for thinking it.

“I will tell you, but then I need you all to leave.” He looks at each one of them, making sure there's no questioning his decision.

“In order to get the information we need, I will have to draw out my demonic heritage

again.”

“But we were fine when you did that, we can stay!” Max is adamant, not wanting to leave at all, he wants to see it happening.

Magnus shakes his head sternly. “No, Maxwell, that won't be enough this time. It will be more dangerous, a lot more, it's much safer for non-warlocks to leave, so please.”

“Will you be okay?” Izzy steps forward, her dark eyes filled with worry.

Magnus nods, his jaw tight. “I've had a spell for such an occasion, just in case... Ragnor and Catarina prepared and strengthened it, so it should be fine, but I still need the rest of you to go.”

Izzy nods slowly, hugs him and moves away. The others start heading for the door, Robert putting an arm around Max and tugging him along, the cats next to their feet.

“I'm staying.”

Magnus whirls around, having forgotten about Alec who's standing in the doorframe. He shakes his head but Alec crosses his arms before his chest and meets him with unshakeable determination. “I am, no matter what, so just get on with it.”

Magnus isn't going to accept it, not this time... Except...  _if_  the spell that's supposed to keep him in check fails... the one who brought him back last time was Max, so Alec should be able to do the same. He doesn't like any of this one tiny bit, but he's going to do this, one last time. He nods severely and then turns away, catching a glimpse of Jace about to leave.

“Jace, come back here.” He orders.

Jace startles a little, stops and heads back inside. “What's the matter?” He looks at his friend confused and concerned, glancing at Alec fleetingly. He knew Alec would stay, there was not even the weakest of doubts.

“If you had to choose between Alec and I, who would you choose?” Jace frowns in bewilderment, as does Alec behind them.

“He's my Parabatai, and brother...” Jace answers, trying to not make it sound as bad as he feels it does.

Magnus nods satisfied. “Of course, which is why you'll stay here and have your weapon ready.”

“What the? Magnus, I'm not going to kill you!” Jace is horrified.  _How_  can Magnus even  _think_  to ask  _that_ of him?!

Magnus gives off a tiny, sarcastic laugh, unable to help himself. “You're not going to kill me, you couldn't, just poke me a little, in case I spiral out of control.” He winks and turns towards his waiting friends.

“Now, let's begin this spectacle.” He'd rather be almost anywhere else, or rather doing anything else.

Jace walks around to Alec, sharing an unhappy look with him. They're rattled now, not wanting to have to do anything to Magnus and very much hoping that two warlocks and a spell will be more than enough.

Catarina is waving her hands around Magnus, her magic spilling out of her, building a dark circle on the floor around him. She places the demon documents into the circle with Magnus. When it's done they nod at each other and she heads back to Ragnor's side.

“The circle represents a barrier demons cannot cross. It may be enough for this, if it isn't, we're prepared to use the spell immediately.” She explains to Alec and Jace who are feeling anything but sure about this.

Magnus closes his eyes to not get disturbed by anyone or anything else around him. He, more than anyone else, wishes for it to be over, but first he has to start.

Four pairs of eyes are glued to the black smoky veils, floating out of and around Magnus minutes later. It started again with his magic appearing, his bronze skin becoming darker, not just his arm this time, his face is almost black as well now, the same marks, symbols, spread all over him, dancing on his skin, his hands transformed into black claws, his fingers long, sharp talons, his eyes still shut.

Everyone's breathing shallowly.

Magnus has to go against everything he's willing to, to steep into that part of him he learned to accept and live with, but never wants to acquaint himself with too much. He's terribly aware of how he's transforming, how he awakens powers he should never stir. He can feel how they've been growing from that day he lost it in the desert to now. He is scared of how much there is he doesn't know, and doesn't want to find out.

Those ancient, otherworldly voices are invading his mind again, he has no idea what they're saying, at first, but the more he changes, the more darkness is set free, the clearer the voices sound and suddenly he understands.

Catarina is restless and she can tell Ragnor is rather insecure, as well. And Magnus needs to do it now, the longer he's waiting, the more dangerous this – he – becomes.

“Ragnor, let's start.” She finally says and not a moment too late, they only just began chanting the spell, their magic combining, as Magnus' eyes flash open, the golden pupil so small in the the black pools they don't even notice it at first.

Jace and Alec are holding their breaths, gaping at the being before them. They know it's Magnus, but... even Jace, who saw him in Texas, has not seen the slow and thorough transformation, back then it was all havoc and chaos, a storm – this feels like disaster creeping.

“Magnus, remember what you have to do.” Catarina warns him while Ragnor doesn't stop chanting. Magnus' demonic eyes flit towards her, taking her in for a second that feels much longer. The papers suddenly explode, flying all across the room. Jace grabs Alec and pulls him further backwards, his seraph blade glowing in his other hand, scared of what else the demon – Magnus – might want to harm.

Catarina and Ragnor are pushing more magic into the spell, talking louder, gaining his attention. They can only stare as he steps out of the circle without so much as hesitation, the black, snake-like smoke covering him from head to toe, his claws reaching for the warlocks, blackness soaring straight towards them.

 

_Magnus is cowered in a dark corner, feeling as if he's just coming out of a sleep-like state. He is disorientated and feels run over, drained from almost all of his strength. He's aware of something tugging on him, in the depth of his mind. There are voices, familiar ones and others he never heard before. There are images swimming in his mind, shreds of memories, his own... and others. They're threatening to crush him._

The instant Magnus goes for Catarina and Ragnor, Alec moves, wanting to get to him and try to get through to him, get him back. This was a terrible mistake! Jace yells at him and pushes him back with such force, Alec hits the wall and then stares horrified as Jace lungs forward and slashes Magnus' forearm with his blade. Just that the blade barely cuts him. It should have cut his arm off. Jace stares in sheer shock and finds himself flung across the room a second later, the demon unimpressed with his attempt at stopping him.

_He's holding his head in his hands, cold sweat pooling on his skin. His breathing is laboured and he's hurting so much, and he just wants it to stop. It's killing him, all this power, all these voices and visions that aren't his, have nothing to do with him! He doesn't know how to escape it and there's something else looming within him. And he can see it again, as if it were happening right in front of him, as if it were real._

_Alexander... his hands shift from his face and he feels more aware suddenly. Where is... what is he doing..._ “Magnus! STOP! Please! Magnus, come back to us!” _He's puzzled. That's definitely Alec calling for him, but where is he? And where is Magnus? Suddenly it hits him like a shockwave. His demon! He let him out and now... he's not controlling him, he's here in this... space, feeling despaired and helpless, like a coward. He has to get away, back to Alec. He gathers every element of his strength and starts to reign the demon in._

Ragnor and Catarina are using every ounce of magic to fight against Magnus' demonic powers, while Jace is back on his feet, trying everything to hold Alec back from getting too close to Magnus. Alec's shouting, pleading with Magnus to come back, to remember what he's doing.

All of a sudden the black smoke seems to retreat, Magnus' eyes closing and a few moments later he's changing, his skin becoming lighter, claws vanishing. Ragnor and Catarina are holding each other, drained from most of their magic, still in shock over how this escalated.

Jace finally lets go of Alec as Magnus seems to be himself again, and he's swaying and dropping to the floor, Alec just managing to stop him from hitting his head. He pulls him onto his lap and caresses sweaty hair from his forehead, bending over him, full of fright. “Magnus? Magnus? Open your eyes, say something, just, please!!”

Jace kneels down next to him, their two other friends coming closer. After what seems an eternity, Magnus finally opens his eyes, his lips forming the softest smile as they latch onto Alec's fearful hazel ones. “They're just as beautiful as you.” He speaks under his breath which sounds exerted.

“They? What do you mean? Magnus?” Alec's so relieved he woke up, but still frightened over the state he's in.

“Mmm... so tired... sleep...” Alec's trying not to panic, glancing up at his friends who nod, telling him he should let him rest. Alec manages to get up and with Jace's help lifts Magnus into his arms, carries him into their bedroom and makes him as comfortable as he can, lying down next to him, holding his hand, watching him closely, hoping that once he wakes he will be okay.

* * *

“What the hell was that? Why didn't the spell work? Why did nothing work?” Jace stayed with the others, sitting on the couch, their minds troubled.

“He's much more powerful than even he himself anticipated, I'm sure, and that wasn't even his full power, not by far.” Catarina feels awestruck mixed with consternation. She's never faced a Prince of Hell, and Magnus isn't even a full demon. She honestly cannot even imagine what one must be capable of.

“It's such a disaster, all of this, we should have stayed the hell away from it.” Ragnor looks as if he's aged at least a decade.

“Hiding away isn't going to change anything. All we can do is face what's happening and find a solution-”

“Cat, please, spare me. If Magnus doesn't have the information we need, all of this was good for nothing anyway, and we're all doomed.” Catarina is shaking her head at her friend.

“We're not, we haven't lived this long to let a few mysteries decide our fate, and Magnus has always come through, don't tell me you have lost faith in him, too, because I won't let you.” She closes her hand over his fisted one, daring him to confirm her assumption.

He looks at her for a long moment, eventually the tension leaving his body, slumping a little into himself, shaking his head. “No, for as long as I live I won't lose faith in him.”

Catarina smiles while Jace hopes they're right.

* * *

He doesn't care how much time passed, he barely moved, hardly dared to blink in case he'd miss... something. Like the sudden flickering of Magnus' eyelids. He must be dreaming... Alec's heart jolts suddenly, then stands still, before skipping and pounding heavily. Tears are moistening Magnus' eyelashes, sliding down his face. Alec props himself up on an elbow, gently wiping Magnus' cheeks. “Magnus? Love? Are you awake?”

Minutes pass, and Alec keeps watching silently, caressing the Asian man's face.

His boyfriend's eyelids are flickering again, making Alec bend his head a little closer. Magnus' eyes shoot open suddenly. Alec pulls back a little as to not startle him too much.

Magnus is just staring at him, though Alec isn't even sure he really sees him. “Magnus? Are you...”

Magnus' cat eyes seem confounded, as if grasping for a thought, something familiar. Alec wishes he could find out what it is, what's hurting him like this.

A minute passes, maybe more. Alec's frozen when Magnus gazes directly at him.

“It's... not real.” The warlock's expression changes abruptly, plagued with sorrow and grief and he turns around, away from Alec, his body starting to shake, his face pressed into the pillow and Alec watches helplessly as he hears the muffled sound of Magnus' anguished scream.

 


	39. Everything In The Open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back...
> 
> And I wrote this... and it's a bit different and very angsty (to me)... and seriously Magnus took over my mind and this happened, and I didn't know it would happen, and I was tormented by it... and just think: this isn't the end, thank fuck!
> 
> Thanks every single one of you so much for sticking around to those who are still reading! <3
> 
> Mega big ass thanks to my Parabeta AlyxHavok, without whom none of this would get written... <3 <3 <3 
> 
> Special thanks to hikaru9 on tumblr for her amazing meta feedbacks!!! Incredible and so supportive and helpful! <3 <3

Alec feels clammy, cold, frightened out of his mind, but he's doing his best to stay as calm as he can. His hand hovers over Magnus' shoulder, he's too scared to touch him, he doesn't know why, but he feels as if his touch would hurt him  _more._  So he pulls his shaky hand away, moves up and kneels next to him.

He's holding his breath as Magnus doesn't make a sound and the eerie stillness in the semidark room is lacing a heaviness around his chest that's starting to squash him.

“Magnus?” He had to break through the silence, or it would have crushed him.

Now he can't hear a thing but a panicked rustling in his ears. He forces air into his lungs,  _breathe_.

Try again. “Magnus?” His voice sounds a little stronger, more like himself. But Magnus hasn't even moved, not that Alec could see.

“Magnus? Talk to me, please.” Alec's trying not to let the fear that's sitting on his insides overtake him, but if Magnus doesn't respond soon, he's not sure if he can keep it at bay.

“ _Magnus!”_ The hand he reached out, intending to touch him this time, shoots back as Magnus' head moves, his face freed from the pillow.

Alec's almost crying out in relief but his mind catches up with the reality that he still doesn't have any clue about what's happening to him, and now he can see the profile of Magnus' face, but he's not talking or moving any further. He's just looking ahead.

Alec wets his dry, slightly chipped lips, gathering a little more strength. He moves to sit on his butt, his long legs angled up before his chest, getting a better look at Magnus' face.

“Magnus, please talk to me. What's happening? What's wrong?”

Dull golden eyes keep staring ahead, his face a lifeless mask, letting the fear in Alec flare up further.

“Magnus, talk to me, whatever it is... just tell me, you're scaring the shit out of me,  _please!”_

* * *

He's been fighting. He knew it was a hopeless battle, even if he was confident at the start, he  _knew._ And now he lost and the void that's been looming within him burst open, leaving him bare and stricken by the secret he's been hiding, chipping away at his soul like something small but sinister with sharp teeth, biting and biting, tiny pieces, but relentlessly, more and more and more. Maybe there's nothing left now? How big is a soul compared to something he can grasp? Maybe he's been only pretending to possess one from the start, maybe he never truly had one, maybe he has been deluding himself all that time, maybe he isn't even  _here._ Wherever here is. What is here? What is he?

_Alexander._

Why is it always his voice, his presence, the thought of him, a  _sense_  of  _him_  that won't let go? He can never let go, of his mortal being, of his wish to be good and needed, to be loved and admired, to  _be worthy_ , be someone worthy of love. True love. Not the unrequited kind. Not the possessive kind. Not the blind to the other's faults kind. Not the abusive, used kind. Not the kind to demand something in return. He had all of these before. He doesn't want them. They're not real, they're toxic and cruel and left him weak, pathetic, a drop of misery and self-pity. He thought it was all there was for him. He thought he had reason to cry. He never knew anything.

Alexander's love is kind, selfless, pure, self-sacrificing, soaring, overwhelming, unconditional and inerasable. And he  _knew_ , underneath every slice of self-preservation, self-deception, denial and hope, in the unashamed, incorrupt, subsistent core of his being, that if he let this man love him, he would condemn himself to an eternal life of loss, torment and apathy.

When Alexander is gone.

When life is taken from both of them.

He doesn't let himself think of it, not like this. He still pretends, for the sake of everyone else he loves and who care for him. He feels that he must pretend that Alexander being ripped from him would somehow not destroy him, not leave him incapacitated.

It would be the worst to happen to him, yes, but he'd find a way to move on again, surely. He could do it, for everyone else. He must, for  _everyone else._  He owes them. He mustn't be so selfish. He mustn't believe that Alexander is his only reason for living. He mustn't be so naive, so dramatic, so radical. He has infinity after all, more than enough to get over one mortal Shadowhunter. At least if he doesn't get killed at some point. Thankfully being immortal isn't the same as being invincible. And yes, he feels grateful for that opportunity.

He has been telling himself this and more, over and again, to make himself believe it whenever doubt and fear had crept into him. He wasn't allowed to feel what's really in his heart, what's been whispering to him at night, when he watched over Alec sleeping, his fingers caressing the soft dark hair, his eyes transfixed on Alec's face. He let pretense slip away then, let himself be real, just for a little while, just in the dark, in secret.

The moment Alec's eyes would open, a pair of nebulas, shining with life and wonder, cocooning him with love and warmth, Magnus would be lulled back into hopeful security, his truth slithering back into dark oblivion.

But truly, he  _knows_. No one else's being is ingrained within him, blended and anchored irrevocably with himself. Does no one see it? Does no one understand it? Do they just close their eyes and hearts and leave him alone to cope with losing part of himself he cannot live without? Forever? Is that  _everyone else's_ solution?

After losing him once, he is aware more than ever. It has been getting harder to deny it, to impersonate a strong, powerful man who has a solution for everything, for everyone, who never gives up, who rarely disappoints, who is always ready to help those in need. Magnus has never been more  _in need_ of something himself. But he also knows that no one can give it to him. Especially not Alexander.

If he were a vicious, self-serving being, he would get rid of the Parabatai bond, he would destroy anything binding Alexander to the mortal world, and make him... but he could not do that, he could never do that to him. He is as relieved about this realization as he's aggrieved.

It is almost impossible to comprehend how possessive he feels of him at times, how he wants to be with him all the time, call him his, claim him over and again, bind him to himself - yet how readily he would give up so much,  _everything_ , even himself, for Alec. For his well-being, his happiness, even if that happiness was linked to Magnus' absence and demise. He  _could_  give him up, facing complete devastation himself afterwards, but he  _could_ and he  _would._  And he could laugh so hard at this, because what is this and what is he and how can one not exclude the other? How mad is he really to be torn by two extremes such as these? How mad to fall in love with something so fragile and doomed?

Many have told him what a fool he was, how it could never last, how low he had fallen, involving himself with a mortal, a Shadowhunter. He had to fight many battles to not lose face, his position, his reputation among his own kind. Battles most don't know of. But he did it gladly. Because that fire within gave him confidence and faith that it was all worth it. And he would have fought even more ferociously, and he would have done and given anything... because Alec was fighting, too, against his taught prejudices, against injustice – for understanding, for equality, for himself, for Magnus, for a better world. Seeing Alexander pour his heart and soul into educating himself, into righting wrongs, was even more than it would have taken for Magnus to realize that this  _mere Shadowhunter_  was special in more ways than he could have ever known.

There had been something about the young man calling out to Magnus from the moment he saw him, strengthening into immeasurable heights with each day passing, with everything new he learned about him. He just knew, as he just knows all of this is true now. And he can't pretend it isn't any longer, not to himself, not to anyone who'd ask. He's a master of self-control if he need be, but every master gets bested eventually.

_Alexander._

He can hear him, he can sense him, feel him, breathe him. How frightened he is. For him. He doesn't know most of this, and he won't if Magnus can help it, but there is  _something else_  he feels he can no longer keep hidden, blaring through his pitiful defenses.

* * *

Alec feels as if it's been hours since Magnus moved, ignoring – or not hearing – his pleas. He thought about getting help, Catarina, Ragnor, someone who can do something, but he just sat there, his mind reeling, his eyes fixed, his body taut.

“ _Magnus, I beg you-”_  He has been close to tears for a while.

Finally Magnus is moving again. He turns onto his back, his eyes blinking, then he sits up, pressing his back against the bedframe. He's not looking at Alec, his eyes cast downwards. But at least he is  _there._

“Magnus... you've been there for me in ways I didn't know someone could be there for me... through horrors I never knew existed... please let me be there for you now.” His voice is quiet, carrying devout worry and a bitter need to understand.

* * *

He should never have let his demon roam free. He knew nothing good could come of it. And yet... for the greater good, for someone he loves, someone he needs to protect, the world... whoever, whatever... he keeps going to places he doesn't want to go, he keeps sacrificing parts of himself, collecting scars, nightmares, regrets.

Because he can do it. Because he's the only one. Because he must do it. For  _everyone else._

His eyes are hurting, his body feels numb, but he shifts, he moves, because he's scaring Alexander.

But he cannot look at him.

He sees him, always, something he got used to. It gives him the most pleasure, sometimes the most pain, he takes it all, happily. He can't right now, yet, he sees him, a version of him, a version of a life they might have had if fatuous wishes of fools came true.

* * *

Alec's biting the inside of his cheek, not caring when he tastes blood, welcoming the coppery sensation even, because it's something familiar, something to focus on for a moment, something he understands amidst the vast unknown that's pressuring him, making it harder and harder to breathe.

“ _Please, Magnus, please, tell me.”_ There's hardly enough saliva in his mouth to swallow down, that would ease the raw sharpness of his throat. There's hardly enough control left to refrain himself from sobbing, or yelling, or doing anything to mend his body and mind from this agonizing stillness and strain. He can't take it any longer.

“You want to know what the sphere did to me?”

Alec's been trembling with the pain of the tension, Magnus' words finally allowing him to sag into himself. But new worry is taking a hold of him, coupled with a deeply rooted craving to learn of it.

* * *

He knows telling him won't help, he knows he might make everything worse, he knows he is in the midst of breaking down and he can only watch it happening. Because how much worse can it get, truly? Is he supposed to hold back forever? He feels like laughing, there really is no forever. Not anymore, not for him.

“I'll tell you... I'll tell you...”

He shouldn't. He will, he will, he will. It's too late.

His mouth opens again and all the silent images and thoughts tumble out in loud sounds, forming into words. Words are so harmless. Words are so scathing. Such torn extremes.

“The sphere showed me a life I could have had, a desire so hidden I didn't know I wanted it myself. It showed me you... us, our forever... and... children. Our children.”

He's silent for a moment, letting his own words ring in his ears, feeling them linger on his lips. It feels so right, so good he could just implode. He's speaking again instead.

“Two boys and a girl. I saw you holding our daughter and our youngest son in your arms. Our oldest son was running towards you, you were all smiling as bright as the sun, you were laughing, filled with another kind of love I've never known, you were all so beautiful...” He's closing his eyes, reliving everything he saw and felt, tears streaking down his face, clinging to his jaw and chin.

“We were playing, dancing, singing and cooking and doing magic and laughing. We were exploring the world, teaching each other, you were reading or creating stories for them and I used my magic to make your words come alive. Their eyes were so big and full of wonder, and so were yours... we stood there, watching them sleep, holding each other and you kissed my forehead and told me that we were the luckiest people in the world... parents... we were parents... and we never felt so complete and happy.” He's silent for a long moment.

“I never... I didn't know that's what I wanted, I didn't know...” His voice breaks and he opens his eyes.

“I didn't know... but from the second I saw it I realized what it meant, and what could have been... and now I can't stop thinking about it, I can't stop this thirst that's sucking me dry, I can't stop wanting it to be real, for even the possibility to exist that it could be... I never thought I could have that... but if I could, if I'd want to have that with anyone... it would be you, and only you.”

He's crying harder, feeling such despair at having to feel any of this, at having told Alec, at being powerless.

“I have these feelings... for these children... our children that don't even exist!” He's hysterical suddenly, laughing and sobbing blood-curdlingly, overpowered by grief and desperation.

“I felt them, and you, how we loved them and them us and I can still feel it... oh god, I can... you were all so amazing, so full of life... but it was never real, it's not real and never will be, not even for a single moment in eternity, and I can't forget it, I had you, forever, and three beautiful children I never even knew I wanted...” He throws his hands over his face, sobbing brokenly.

* * *

Alec's paralyzed with shock and emotions, unable to do anything but stare at Magnus, hearing his words, understanding them, but incapable of comprehending them. He never thought about... having children... even one child... it was never in the scope of probability, not for him. This revelation is shocking him more than anything else could have. He wasn't prepared for this. He couldn't have been. He can't do anything, he actually can't do anything to help Magnus. Nothing.

* * *

Magnus is forcing himself to seek out Alec after he calmed down. He's watching the distinct curve of Alec's back as he's hunched over his angled up legs, his arms closed around his knees, his face turned forward. Magnus' eyes run along the edges of his forehead, the slight bump on the bridge of his nose, his lips and chin and throat.

Magnus loses his breath as Alec turns his head towards him. His sadness is worsening seeing the shocked and distraught look on the young man's face. Now he knows, but what's the point? Magnus doesn't feel better... just a different kind of agony, filling him up, threatening to swallow him whole. And Alec must think he lost is mind, which can't be far from the truth.

He inhales shakily, every part of him aching in more ways than he could count. He wipes his burning eyes and cheeks, words escaping he didn't mean to.

“I don't even really want children... If I could just have you... always.... I don't know how I could go on without you, even if I wanted to... I certainly wouldn't ever find love again... I wouldn't want to, nothing could come close to our love...”

“Magnus... please... don't say that, you don't know that. You'll always be needed here. You could be happy again, maybe it would take a long time, but you mustn't give up hope...”

Alec is probably, definitely, trying to comfort him, but these words open wounds that are barely closed in the first place, actually they're tearing them open wide, pouring salt into them, taking every hope of healing from him. And he's fighting with the only defense he has left. Rage.

“Don't patronize me, Alexander, don't belittle my feelings, they are the only thing that I have left that is truly my own. I am yours, and that is not just an empty phrase. I am, as real as I am sitting here in front of you. I'd take my heart out of my chest and hand it to you, I'd find a way to rip out my soul, my whole being, everything that makes me me. I am not my own anymore and I never thought I could feel this way, but I'm good with that. I want to be yours, completely, I want to give you everything and be everything, and in return... I just want you... any way you can be with me... but not having you... no, just no, Alexander, I won't be without you.”

His eyes are ablaze, his voice cutting, drawing strength from conviction and pain he became accustomed to live with.

“Once Max would die... I'd still have my immortal friends, I know that, and I do love them dearly, I really do, but they are their own people, with their own families, lives and stories. My story will end with you and our family gone. And as disgusting as that makes me, no one else would be enough to keep me going, not after losing you. Do you really want me to spend forever broken, without any chance of recovering? Because no amount of years would heal me, no matter what you or anyone believes. I wouldn't get over you because you're the one for me, and there can't ever be another.”

He sees Alec opening his mouth to protest, no doubt, but he won't have that, he cuts him off, fueled by anguish and anger.

“Why do you want me to live forever when I'd merely exist, destined to suffer and fall into apathy for an eternity? Why can't I decide to end my life when all of you have left me? Why do I have to go on living when most others are granted with oblivion at some point? You don't get to decide this for me, Alexander. With you by my side I could cope losing so many more... but not without you, not on my own. It won't be enough to keep me here, and it's my decision, this  _one_  time I will decide something by myself, for  _me._  I will not stand back and keep on sacrificing in silent resignation, this  _once_ I will have something for only me. Why do I have to be the one left behind after watching everyone die? Why me? Why do you want me to have to mourn for literally forever? Why do you think you're entitled to choose this for me? Because I'm a warlock? Because this is what I'm supposed to be and do and want? Bullshit! If my demonic father hadn't used my mother I wouldn't have been born and if my step-father had succeeded in drowning me I wouldn't have existed for centuries! Nothing is meant to be, we choose, we make the decision. I chose to fight, I won. I didn't decide to love you, but I decided to give you my all. I could have walked away but I didn't. Same as you could have, but in the end you decided to give us a real chance and here we are, both fucked up by love, yet also saved by it, due to our own actions and choices. So, once you have left me, I will decide for myself what I will do with my life, and I won't let anyone interfere.”

* * *

Alec is void of all words and most thoughts but the one... a world without Magnus? He cannot imagine it... he doesn't want to... he can't even begin to... Magnus would actually...  _don't think of it!_

He's pressing his lips and eyes shut tightly, holds his breath until his chest almost explodes, exhales and inhales soundlessly. How is any of this even real? How is this happening? How could it come to _this?_  Was it always going to be this way, or could he have changed it? He knows he could have, he could have walked away... as Magnus said, he made a choice. But only now does the consequence of said choice really hit him in all its genuine brutality. And if their roles were reversed, how would he feel? What would he do? He can't imagine it, immortality... forever...

He feels utterly powerless.

“If I could... I would stay with y-” Alec starts whispering as the silence around them is too oppressing to stand, but Magnus cuts him off again.

“No, Alexander, you would not. I know you, and I don't mean for this to sound anything but realistic. You are made for this life, the way you know it, the only way it could be for you, and I don't want to take that from you. I wouldn't demand it of you, even if there was a possibility. Some things we cannot share, some things each of us has to cope with on our own.”

Magnus can appreciate the gesture, or he could if he weren't so tortured, but just this once he doesn't want to deal with half-truths and sympathies. All he can handle right now is uncompromising truthfulness, if he wants to get through this. If there's even a chance. Life goes on. He could laugh, but he's hurting too much. And he is so very tired of living right now.

He sees the surprised and upset expression on Alec's face, but he can't find it in himself to speak words of comfort he doesn't mean, he won't lie, he won't embellish the painful truth, they will both have to live with it, for however long...

* * *

Alec's urge to talk, justify himself, prove Magnus wrong, is squelched by a surge of insecurity and self-doubt. Is Magnus right about him? He seems completely sure. He must be. Alec didn't mean to lie... he wouldn't, not intentionally. But above everything he's scared to say anything else, to make it worse. How he could he doesn't know, but he rather not even try...

Instead, after a long moment of silence, he moves slowly, intending to sit beside Magnus, hug him, share comfort as they've done so many times.

“Stay where you are, please.”

Again Magnus' voice is cutting through the silence, piercing right through Alec. He freezes, stunned into immobility.

Magnus is moving now, off the bed, waving his hand in front of his face, removing every trace of his tears. “I have to... I can't right now.” He leaves the room without looking back.

Alec stares after him.

A sudden need overtakes him, makes him scramble off the bed, slide into his boots, not bothering to close them properly, and rush after Magnus who is in the living-room, talking to Catarina and Ragnor. Jace is still there, too, looking at Alec questioningly, but Alec only sees Magnus.

“Magnus?” He doesn't understand what happened, he feels like a child trying to comprehend a riddle that no one will explain to him. He  _needs_  Magnus to explain, to say something else, something that will somehow make it better, ease the drumming of his heart, lessen his anxiety, diminish the panic rising inside him.

He's not even looking at him. Alec steps a little closer. “Magnus? Magnus, plea-”

“What,  _Alec?_ ”

He feels struck down by Magnus' flaring, yet cold eyes, by his dispassionate voice. His insides tremble, he feels as if he was made of glass, about to shatter into millions of tiny pieces. He can't remember feeling so very small.

He walks out, grabs his coat on the way and leaves the loft, Jace follows right behind him.

* * *

“What was that?” Catarina.

“Magnus, what on earth?” Ragnor.

Magnus shuts his eyes, wishing he could burst into flames, shatter, vanish. Just be gone. Leave everything behind, never feel again. Never again.

“Nothing...” He presses out, turning away from them. “We have to focus on what I know now... we have to find the other stones, and deal with Alistair, and demons, and get it done... just focus, damnit!” His eyes are flooded by fresh tears, and he's hurting too much to endure. He winces as he feels a hand on his shoulder.

“Magnus, all of that can wait a little while longer...” When he hears the troubled sorrow in his friend's voice, it's too much. He collapses but Ragnor catches him, pulling him close and holds him tight.

Magnus weeps bitterly into his friend's shoulder, letting it all go; months of piled up suffering streaming out of him.

 


	40. Zwilling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”   
> ― Maya Angelou
> 
>  
> 
> Love to everyone who's ever supported this.

An icy drizzle is covering their heads minutes after they left the loft. Jace is watching Alec closely, his first thought was to throttle Magnus as Alec's consternation hit him hard, followed by a jumble of so many miserable feelings, he didn't even bother to make sense of them. He just knows it's  _bad_ and his Parabatai is in pain  _again_  and though he could tell Magnus is, too, it's also because of him that Alec is like this, and he's just glad he's able to suppress his anger, at least for now.

He's too worried about Alec who is just walking, staring at the ground before him, and Jace isn't even sure he knows where he's walking to. He just knows he's got to give him some time and space. So he stays quiet, walking by his side, making sure to be especially attentive in case unwelcome company spots them.

Maybe Alec did know where he was going, because they end up at the hotel and they slip inside, seemingly undetected and Alec heads into an empty room. Jace goes to find Izzy, glad when he manages to keep himself hidden from the others, her special  _brother radar_  working impeccably, and a nod of his head is enough for his sister to sneak away and follow him.

He catches her up quickly on what happened after they left and after knocking on the door Alec vanished behind, and not getting an answer, they head inside and without a word, Izzy joins Alec who's sitting on a sofa, his body trembling. Her arms close around his chest and shoulders, her head leant against his. Jace sits down on Alec's other side, covering his hand with his own. Even when their big brother sheds silent tears they don't speak, hoping their presence is enough to spend some comfort.

* * *

Magnus doesn't know how long he's been crying, but he manages to tear himself out of it eventually, and needing to be on his own, excuses himself to the bathroom. He feels prostrated and isn't sure where he takes the strength from to even walk. But he must. He must do  _so much_. He wants to break down again just glimpsing at what's to be done. But he can't, he won't, he mustn't.

He looks grotesque as he watches himself in the mirror. Grotesque and ugly, almost as ugly as he feels. He feels like a monster for having done that to Alec. No amount of pain he feels himself gives him any right to afflict it onto Alec. Why did he have to do that? Why couldn't he be better than that?  _You're not, you're a demon no matter what you make everyone else believe._

He growls and pushes cold water into his face, scrubbing all the smudged make up away. There's no time and no justification for self-pity. He needs to find a way to apologize and make it up to him... he's terrified that whatever he may say or do won't be enough, that he damaged Alec just that bit too much this time.

If he did that... He holds his breath, exhales and magicks the rest of the make-up away. He grabs a towel and dries his face while walking back to his friends. He should probably give Alec some time away from him, even though he feels sickened at the thought of Alec hurting and worrying and doubting...?

“Feel any better?”

Magnus blinks, pulled out of his mind. He composes himself, standing straight, magicks the towel away and nods at Catarina, pretending not to see the sorrow-filled expression in her dark eyes. He doesn't even look at Ragnor, because his self-control is hanging by a thread as it is.

He takes a deep breath and cites what he learned as if reading from a book, as if it didn't really concern him, as if being so close to hell didn't suck up part of his soul, as if things weren't about to become even more complicated.

“Contrary to our belief so far, there are four different demon realms, why there are four different locations with four 'stones'. Each comes from one of the realms. There's an ancient ritual to be performed with all four of them, which, if successful, lets one control the most powerful entity in all the realms. The stones can't be destroyed with any magic or demonic powers known, they don't know their origins or why they can be controlled by them. They just assume it as it seems that no one ever succeeded in doing so, but they had to be cautious, of course, and they had fun scheming...” His tone changes into disgust before he composes himself again.

“They had help from a powerful warlock who used dark and blood magic to make it work. And before you ask, she is dead, and yes, it was Rayna, which is probably how Alistair learned of this, and why he probably knows that there are more than one stone, though she might have withheld some information, or I'm pretty sure he would already be in possession of all of them.” But they have one, and Magnus will make sure Alistair won't get another one... and end that lunatic.

“The spell requires the princes' powers, as long as they live it won't end, unless it's broken by killing the creatures that keep watch, which also kills the souls that are trapped inside, such as the faerie. There was definitely someone trapped in the Belvedere and there are two more innocents in the other two locations. There is a way to free them, but I don't know it. It wasn't in the scripts. I only know there is something we have to find connected to whoever is trapped and bring it to them, that should free them and let them live. Also, if it takes too long they die anyway because they're not strong enough to withstand the spell for longer than a few years... which means demons snatch up more victims to replace the ones that aren't of use to them any more.”

And  _that_ is inside of him. He feels more repulsed of himself than ever, even though he knows he would _never_  have any part in something like this. It's still... his father. He has to put a lot of effort into keeping himself together and the sickness that's spreading inside him contained. He's sure it's not by mistake that the scripts withhold the most crucial information of how to free the victims. He could despair but he doesn't have that luxury.

His friends look almost as bad as he feels and rather clueless. How are they supposed to figure this out? They're at a dead end.

“I think I should just go there on my own, maybe I can get this one to talk to me again and tell me what they need.” Magnus doesn't really feel up to it. Honestly, he feels like hiding under a blanket in bed for a few weeks...

Ragnor is suddenly right in front of him, cupping his neck and forcing their eyes to meet. “No, my friend. You're not going anywhere on your own, this isn't your doing or your responsibility. What  _we_  will do, is get everyone together, strain their witty little heads to come up with ideas and find what we need, understood?”

Magnus swallows, feeling deeply ashamed of himself for many reasons right now, but even more so for being so weak when Ragnor, who's also been suffering a lot since the sphere's vision, is so strong right now, for  _him,_ because no matter what, whenever Magnus has been in a slump, Ragnor was there for him and this time isn't an exception. Magnus will have to do a lot better, and shelve his feelings until there's time to deal with them. If only that would become easier with time...

“Alright, you two go ahead to the hotel and gather everyone, I need a few minutes... don't worry, I promise I won't do anything else foolish, but there's no time to waste, go on.” He hugs Ragnor, then Catarina and watches them disappear.

* * *

Alec's wiping the last tear from his cheek and sags against Izzy. He feels irrecoverably lost.

“Have you ever thought about having children?” He asks timidly into the quiet, hearing their breaths and having them close calming him enough to be able to speak.

“Sometimes, like what if? Especially how I'd like the world to change before forcing a child into it.” Izzy is first to reply. Alec nods, squeezing her hand that's now intertwined with his.

“Only as in, never ever have a child to fuck it up like you're fucked up.” Jace says, smiling a little bitterly. “But, I've been thinking about it a little more... as long as Clary's there, maybe I couldn't do that much damage...” Alec grabs Jace and pulls him firmly against himself.

“Don't say that, don't even think it, you'll be a great dad and role model some day, because you know exactly what you'll never do to a child, and you have enough love for ten.” Alec presses his forehead against his brother's who is chuckling.

“Really? You want ten of us running around?” Jace sounds amused.

“Why not? You and Izzy would both be amazing parents, Clary too, and I guess Simon would do...” Izzy punches Alec lightly, making him smile.

“What about you?” She asks a moment later, her and Jace watching him attentively, wanting to get to the reason behind his question.

Alec averts his eyes downwards, looking crestfallen once more. “I never thought... I mean... obviously.”

Izzy catches on immediately. “Not at all, there are many same sex couples who have children, Alec, it's all possible.”

“How many Shadowhunters?” Her face falls again.

Alec sighs and closes his eyes for a moment. “Was that what your argument was about? Does Magnus want children?” Jace asks after giving it a bit of thought.

Alec stares at him, shakes his head, bites his lip. Jace's and Izzy's eyes are drawn to his hand where his fingers are rubbing together, then share a knowing look.

“It's not like that.. he said he never thought about it... never wanted it...”

“But... now he does?” Izzy asks carefully, caressing his tense back.

His jaw clenches and unclenches before he answers. “The sphere showed him his greatest desire... us being together forever... and we had three children... and he's tormented by it, that's why...” He glances at Jace to see if he understands why Magnus reacted how he did. Jace nods slowly, looking grave.

“I don't know what to do to make him hurt less... I think... I can only make it worse...” The coldness that's lodged inside him is vigorous, creeping into his bones, making him shudder.

“Hey, no, don't say that, it's not true, and he will tell you so the moment you talk, and you must.” Izzy wraps him into a tight embrace, mirrored by Jace who wraps his arms around them both.

“Our sister is right, and you know it, she's the smartest Lightwood after all.” He smiles softly.

“Don't let Max hear it.” Alec whispers, hoping he can draw enough strength from the two to get through another squalor, and to get Magnus through his... even though it seems truly hopeless.

Alec will never be able to give him what he wants most, but even if he wished that he could let him go right now and find it with someone else, he knows it's futile. As long as Alec lives he's irrevocably tied to Magnus, and too selfish to even think... imagining Magnus with anyone else is making him want to rip out every single feeling he has, completely sure that he couldn't cope any other way.

He needs Magnus, he wants Magnus, he wants Magnus to want and need him, and of course he would prefer them to never have to feel this kind of torture for loving each other, but he'd never make it undone. Learning to love Magnus went hand in hand with learning to love himself, finding who and what he wanted and who he wanted to be and how to get there, and he will learn again, he will not disappoint and hurt Magnus again, not in this way. Not in any way he  _can_  prevent.

They hear a knock at the door and Max heads in, surprised at how he finds them. “You have to come, Catarina and Ragnor are here and they need our help.”

The three get off the couch immediately, smiling at Max to reassure him. Max holds Alec back for a moment. “Are you okay? Magnus isn't with them...”

Alec feels instantly troubled, but nods. “He's not very well, all of this is taking a lot out of him.” Max nods solemnly and refrains from questioning him further for now.

They join the others and Alec steps close to Catarina. “Where is he?” She smiles softly but he knows it's just for his benefit. “He promised to be here soon, he's just-”

“Can you please open a portal for me?” Alec interrupts her, all he wants is to go and see Magnus, whatever state he might be in, he doesn't care for anything else right now, not even if the world was about to end.

* * *

Magnus has been making himself up in an attempt to get himself to function again, willing everything that's too painful to think about away. It's all he can do.

He can hear footsteps suddenly and he'd know them anywhere, among thousands, because none sound like those long strides and he knows the sounds his boots make.

His heart is beating out of his chest, and his palms are sweaty as he quickly leaves the bedroom to meet Alec and find out whether he can be forgiven one more time...

The moment he sees the Shadowhunter and, in his eyes a mix of worry, fear, love and pain  _for Magnus_ , he can't breathe, tears blurring his vision.

"I'm so so sorry, Alexan-" Alec's got him, pressing their foreheads together, his arms coming around Magnus, holding him as close as possible, Magnus' fingers clutching Alec's top, a couple of tears escaping.

"I swear I won't be like this again, it wasn't fair on you, nothing's your fault and I'm so very sorry, I-" Alec's finger is suddenly on his lips, shushing him and Alec's lips are on his cheek, kissing the wetness and Magnus knows he mustn't let anything tear him away from Alec again, because every second with him is the most precious in his life and however much time they'll have, he won't waste it because he needs all of it even more than air, and he doesn't deserve Alec right now, but he's craving him madly, his hands trying to touch him everywhere at the same time, making sure he's real and OK.

"I love you, Magnus, I will always love you." Alec's whisper is balm to Magnus' torn soul and he pulls him tighter.

"I love you like I've never loved anyone, Alexander."

Alec moves to be able to look at Magnus, his eyes moist, nothing but adoration and care showing on his face.

He touches a strand of Magnus' blue highlighted fringe, then his finger runs over the shell of his ear with the ear cuff, and then, slower, with even more tenderness, he trails his finger along the soft spot just behind Magnus' ear, down the delicate skin on the side of his neck.

Alec can hear the other man's intake of breath in the quietness. He could probably hear Magnus' heartbeat if his own didn't resemble thunder rumbling. His finger moves further, over Magnus' Adam's apple and chin and finally rests covering the middle of both of Magnus' lips.

Their eyes are glued to each other while their insides spark with crisp, electrical energy. Alec's hand moves once more, fingers spreading on Magnus' cheek, gently moving backwards to cradle the back of his neck, his shiny lips parted invitingly, pleading.

Alec's drawn in like a magnet to its opposite pole, their lips collide like waves crashing against cliffs.

They're taken over by untamed passion and a staggering need to be together, but to their despair, they must deal with an even more pressing matter.

"My love, we can't." Magnus presses out, his mouth immediately finding Alec's again.

"I know." The young man responds, crushing their lips back together. Neither of them able to let go.

They pull away eventually, the sound of their heavy breaths filling the room. It's almost impossible to keep their distance, seeming as they're still gripping each other.

Alec sighs deeply and lays his head on Magnus' shoulder, closing his eyes as he strokes along Magnus' spine, drawing little runes. "I hate this, but I know... Well, actually I don't, I came here before they told us, I needed to see you."

Magnus feels tearful again, placing a kiss on Alec's neck. "I'll catch you up, then we must really join the others, but I promise you... Just the two of us for at least a week when this is dealt with."

"Two weeks." Alec whispers, his heart clenching woefully, knowing no matter how much time they'll have, it won't ever be enough and he can feel this gaping precipice inside both of them that they won't get to close.

Magnus feels the same but he smiles through the insufferable pain because he has to.

"As you wish, Alexander."

* * *

When they step into the hotel, they're met by an unexpected sight. It looks like part of the institute fell bang in the middle of the foyer. Isabelle and Lydia are sitting in front of huge screens, tapping relentlessly on touchpads, Robert, Max and Simon standing behind them, looking at the screens. Jace and Clary are looking at a tablet, there are two desks at which Luke and Alaric are sitting in front of computers, looking suspiciously like their workplaces at the station. At another desk, Jocelyn and Catarina are going through a stack of files. Raphael and Ragnor are talking quietly in a corner.

Alec and Magnus share a curious look before Alec squeezes Magnus' hand and walks off to join Max and the others to find out what they're doing. Magnus keeps watching him as he heads to Ragnor and Raphael, not quite able to tear his eyes away from his Shadowhunter.

“Did you work things out then?” Raphael asks who got filled in by their mutual friend.

Magnus ponders the question for a moment. He could get into an elaborate monologue about what the question even means and how they could possibly have worked everything out in a few minutes, and how this clever and annoying vampire thinks they could work out this minor immortality issue... but he can't be bothered and merely nods. Apparently Raphael had expected the former and looks rather irritated which Magnus ignores, having a question of his own, instead.

“Are any of you going to fill me in, or is this a guessing game?”

“They're looking for everyone that's gone missing and hasn't been found in the last ten years, specifically at the time the faerie was kidnapped. They're hoping we can narrow our search down like that, not knowing what we're looking for making it rather difficult. They're looking into Downworlders and Shadowhunters and mundanes, just in case, we know demons aren't especially picky.”

Magnus nods at Ragnor's explanation, though he has something on his mind. “Not ordinary demons, but I'm sure there must be something special about who they were ordered to take. I wish we knew who was at the Belvedere... two clues to go on would be more helpful. There must have been a reason why they snatched the faerie.”

Knowing the spell Rayna used would also be helpful, but there's no way he can think of to find it now, and she was probably cautious enough to destroy it anyway. Magnus doesn't want to know how power-hungry one would have to be to go through with something like this. An ominous shudder is running through him, ancient whispers in his mind.

“Magnus!” He blinks and turns his head towards his friends.

“There's no time for daydreams.” Raphael scoffs, but there's concern in his eyes for his friend.

“Are you alright?” Ragnor doesn't care for playing his worry down, not after what they're still going through.

Magnus composes himself and nods. “Fine-” Ragnor's no bullshit expression is cutting off more words and he relents. “For as long as this goes on, feelings are going to have to stand back.”

Ragnor wants to interpose, but he thinks better of it and nods. Magnus doesn't feel like idly standing around and joins Luke at his desk.

“How's it looking, detective?”

Luke glances up at him, a frown creasing his forehead. “I seriously hope we're not looking for a mundane, there are over 150 missing and that's only in New York. Magnus, how are we supposed to find someone that could have been abducted anywhere in the world?”

Magnus ponders about that for a moment, then slowly shakes his head. “I think we can rule out mundanes, they're frankly too weak to withstand a spell like this for long, and I just... I'm sure that they would prefer Downworlders...” His father would for sure.

“I hope you're right.” Luke nods towards the institute screens and Magnus joins the others, stepping beside Alec.

“We got 68 Downworlders and 22 Shadowhunters missing in the last eight years.” Izzy supplies before Magnus can even ask and he's once again impressed with her skills of perception.

“We're checking for similarities now, anything they could have in common.” Lydia continues.

Magnus nods, observing the screens, the faces – quite a few familiar ones. Any of these could be trapped in the last two locations. He's shuddering again, unable to imagine what horror they must be going through, hearing the Kelpie - the faerie - speak again in his mind.

He's becoming aware of Alec's arm around him, their sides pressing together. Magnus turns his head and meets his boyfriend's worried eyes.

“I'm okay.” Magnus reassures him, but his insides freeze over with a vengeance as his mind brutally shows him what Alec's been through, all he knows, and this terrifying black hole consisting of months of Alec's life he will never get back – hopefully never remember – there's too much terror infested in him, too much anguish.

“You're not.” Alec states softly, eyes filled with sorrow, his thumb gently running along Magnus' temple and cheek.

Magnus shakes himself, forcing those distressing emotions and sensations away. “No, I am, I just-”

Despite being cluttered with ordeals, Magnus' mind hasn't stopped working on disentangling this riddle. _We're checking for similarities now, anything they could have in common._

Everything stands still for him.

“Magnus?” Alec's voice is hardly penetrating his ears and he pulls away and moves towards Ragnor.

“I'm so sorry, my friend, but... you once told me about what made your sisters so special...”

Alec's telling everyone to stop what they're doing and to listen to Magnus. The room becomes very quiet.

Ragnor is taken by surprise, his face paling, but he knows Magnus wouldn't bring them up if it weren't somehow necessary. He hardens himself to be able to speak.

“They shared one heart and soul our mother used to say. They knew each other inside out, spoke without using words, felt what the other was feeling even when they were apart, and all without any magic.”

Magnus nods slightly, his eyes fixed on Ragnor who doesn't understand... except... his eyes widen suddenly and Magnus knows he knows.

He slowly turns towards the others, seeking out Jace. “You said the faerie was with her older sisters and her twin brother the day she was abducted.” Jace nods slowly, trying to figure out what Magnus seems to want to get at.

“Twins share a special bond, particularly identical ones, another kind of magic if you will, so strong it is sometimes used for magic... to strengthen a spell or potion, sometimes for sacrifices or summonings, especially by users of dark or blood magic.”

Realization is dawning in some faces quicker than others but they all get it within moments. Isabelle turns, her fingers flying over the touchpad and moments later a few faces pop up, she taps some more and a few disappear again, four remaining.

“That must be them. There's Yula, and these three went missing in the same year, all twins.” She looks to Magnus for confirmation.

He steps forward, staring at the faces on the screen. He can't tell how he is this sure, he's a little scared of it to be honest, but he simply  _knows._

* * *

A vampire, a warlock and a werewolf. Magnus is not surprised at all... he is slightly relieved that there's no Seelie, that could have turned out a little more complicated as things stand between him and the Queen.

He is rather certain that the  _thing_ they need to bring is actually the twin, the twins are the key to set them free. It can't be any other way. No one disagrees with him anyhow.

Luke and Alaric, Raphael and Simon and Ragnor and Catarina volunteer to find each twin and bring them the news and get them to come here. Unfortunately there is no way of knowing who died at the Belvedere and they're already dreading their twin to find out.

Alec's been quietly observing everyone, hoping they're alright. He knows Magnus isn't, and Jace is still fighting his battles, and then he spots his father on the terrace outside, holding something in his hand. He should just leave him be probably... but he doesn't.

“Are you okay?” Alec asks as he halts next to Robert, who startles slightly, obviously in deep thought. 

“Alec, yes, I was just reminiscing.” He shows him the photograph he's been looking at. 

Alec's surprised, confusion, anger and pain flaring in him. It's of Maryse and a very young him, maybe a year old.

“I understand why you feel the way you do about us, about her, and I know it's justified, son, I do. But I... will always love her and I remember the day you were born so clearly, because it was truly the happiest day of her life, and she has always loved you with everything she had, and that won't ever change. It doesn't excuse anything, but it is true nonetheless.” 

Alec frowns deeply, trying to mask his discomfort and whatever it is he feels. He hasn't thought about his mother much lately, because he really can't take any more pain, but if he's completely honest, and he is just at this instance, he misses her. And he feels so guilty for it. For bringing her so much grief, because he must have... but also for being unable to cut her off completely, because if she really loved him as his father claims... she would try to understand, she would try to see him for who he really is, who he wants to be, and that he can't be without Magnus, not for anyone.

For the longest time he couldn't even have imagined choosing someone over his parents, his family, and he bears a special kind of sorrow for having done so in the end, for choosing  _himself_ , his own unknown path and a glimpse of a future in which he could let himself  _feel_ and  _become happy._ Something he was sure was never meant for him. 

He never even understood what changed in him so suddenly, what about Magnus and the way he behaved towards him; made him question everything, made him think outside his very narrow box, made him want to get over his romantic feelings for Jace, made him want to step out of his own shadow into the light where he could hide no longer.

Maybe it was fate, not that Alec claims to know what that actually means. He simply doesn't have a comprehensible explanation. But now that he found it, he cannot give it up, not even for his mother. Why can't she get that?

“I'm sorry, son, I know this isn't a good time.” Robert looks remorseful and hides the photo in his jacket pocket. 

Alec takes a couple more steps forward, inhales the icy air deeply and lets it go again slowly and quietly. He's trembling with the cold, but it feels oddly familiar, like it's a constant companion. It's not the right time. There's so much to say and do, but it's not the right time for any of it, and he wants to scream, but he keeps it all inside.

_Crimson flames, raging fires, black and white smoke, ashes, everything burns. Fire bolts shooting from the sky. Screams and magic pouring from hands._

“Alec! Son, are you alright?” 

Alec blinks, his father's face sharpening in his view. Robert's hands are holding his face and there's fright and worry in his eyes.

“Yes... why, what happened?” Alec isn't sure, he just feels... haunted. 

“What happened?” Magnus is there now, looking a little too pale and panicked. 

Robert lets go of Alec, glancing at Magnus. “He was just... out, like losing consciousness.” He meets his son's eyes. “You weren't falling but your face, especially your eyes seemed... blank. And you weren't responding.”

Magnus takes Alec's hand into his and observes him even more cautiously. “How are you feeling now?” He's doing his best to stay calm.

“I'm alright, really, just cold.” He's shaking suddenly and Magnus takes him inside, Robert on their heels. 

Magnus insists he sit down and magicks a bottle of water and a mug of hot soup and a blanket for him, which Alec wants to protest about, but he leaves the blanket around his shoulders and sips the soup in the end. He doesn't really have enough energy for unnecessary fights, and he rather does something, focuses on anything other than trying to figure out what's still wrong with him.

While they wait, Max and the cats supply a rather good entertainment program as he uses them to show off a couple of magic tricks, ordinary ones for which you don't have to be a warlock at all, which Magnus taught him, though, and everyone feels a little better. And Max's face when he performs a disappearance trick - and Magnus actually makes both cats disappear so he can't find them again, before Max realizes that he was cheated - is priceless.

“How are you feeling, darling?” Magnus asks Jocelyn who's been watching Max, sipping on a cup of tea. He had to tear himself away from watching Alec for a bit to stop himself from overthinking for the hundredth time.

“Not as if I was drowning not long ago. I'm guessing that's what you mean?” Magnus nods. 

“I hardly remember it, to be honest. Just blackness, like a mental blank.” She adds, smiling a little at him, not wanting him to worry more than he needs to.

“Yeah, same for me.” Jace adds at overhearing their conversation. “It was all very quick anyway, though you were in the water - which I guess wasn't really water - for longer.” 

“Can't wait to see what else is in store for us.” Jocelyn adds ironically. 

“We'll all go and make sure no one gets harmed this time, and we probably won't have to do anything but... show them their twin, right?” Clary chimes in, so glad her mom and Jace are alright, looking to Magnus now.

“I guess so, biscuit, we should still be cautious, though, and I'm not sure we should all-”

The huge doors of the main entrance open, with Raphael first to stride through. They can see Simon, the vampire twin and Luke and Alaric with the werewolf twin behind them. Catarina's portal appears half a minute later as if on cue.

“Showtime.” Magnus raises off the chair, doing his best to prepare himself for what's to come.

 


	41. Roukan, Kyran and Sanjit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't planned at all, but my awesome Parabeta came up with names and back stories for the twins, so I had to somehow include them, this is a short... side thing, companion chapter maybe, to introduce them briefly.

The two men step out of the portal and find themselves in an alleyway in Nagoya, Japan. All they can see are skyscrapers, each one taller than the next. They start walking towards their destination, their brilliant senses guiding the way, safe in the knowledge the portal is hidden for anyone but them at their return.

“How's Jocelyn holding up?” The slightly smaller man with unruly dark hair asks his pack leader.

Luke glances at him before averting his eyes back to the crowded streets. “She's lucky she doesn't remember drowning. I think the shock was worse for Clary, and me, if I'm honest. I should have gone with her.”

“You trusted Magnus to protect her.” Alaric interjects, sensing the guilt behind Luke's words.

“I did, and I do, but if we learned anything since Alec's disappearance, it's that there are powers at work here not even Magnus knew of, and we can only hope that his powers are a match for whatever Alistair's planning. Most warlocks are still in hiding, they don't trust the peace or the Silent Brothers enough to get involved, many Downworlders have been jaded since Valentine, and though everyone's situations have gotten better in the last couple of years, there's still too much mistrust and fear, in all of us. And some choose to stay away from trouble, and Alistair is huge trouble.”

Luke sees his friend nod from the corner of his eye.

“What if we request help from the enclaves? We're heading to the pack leader of this city now, we could inquire their assistance.”

Luke shakes his head slowly. “We aren't even supposed to be here. The Silent Brothers have put their trust in us because they know we're doing everything in our power to find Alistair and prevent whatever he's planning, but involving others is a different story. Our world wasn't thrown into chaos even though The Clave practically got dissolved, because the enclaves ensure that Shadowhunters everywhere still adhere to law and order. We must let sleeping dogs lie if we want this pending calm to last - and should this lunatic be successful, none of us know what will happen, if we even have a chance with all the enclaves coming together.”

He remembers his talks with Brother Enoch all too well, and he admires how composed he has been, even though the werewolf leader could tell that recent happenings have thrown even the Silent Brothers off balance. And above all he cares about his family and friends. “I just hope the kids-” He catches Alaric's frown, “Young adults, and Max – will be okay after all of this, they've been through way too much, and we still don't know what happened to Alec.”

Alaric catches on quickly and nods in understanding, not slightly happier about it but there really isn't much they can do, except complete the mission at hand.

They walk on in silence until they reach the wolves’ headquarters, a Japanese restaurant, a temple of tranquility and nature amidst the busy city. Finding out that their leader would help them track down the twin werewolf filled Luke with relief. A circumstance that saves them time and trouble.

They're led inside by two employees, wearing traditional attire, definitely of the lycanthropic kind. Everything about this place feels, looks and smells a lot different than the Jade Wolf, and not unpleasantly so.

The alpha is a female of Japanese origin, she’s tall with straight black hair reaching her thighs, no doubt hiding muscles underneath her neat clothes.

“Welcome in my humble restaurant, I am Dai, may I offer you some of our finest food and drinks?”

Luke and Alaric are both staring at a large table on their right, filled with delicacies that make their mouths water.

Before Luke has chance to answer, Dai's hand shoots up to her head, her fingers closing around a hairpin she pulls out and throws at a man's hand with perfect precision and speed. The man was just about to nick something off of a plate. He's howling now, and she's supposedly telling him off in her mother tongue, before he retreats and she pays attention to her guests once more.

“I am very sorry about this, my brother Kei is not as respectful as his name leads you to believe. Please come sit.” She gestures to the table and Luke and Alaric have hardly been this tempted in all their lives.

“It's not a problem, Dai, and we thank you for your very kind and generous offer, but I am afraid we must decline, we have very limited time to find the werewolf I informed you about and get back to New York.” Luke has seldom felt such regret.

Dai's delicate eyebrows furl for a moment, then she relaxes and nods. “I understand. Roukan is the one you are looking for, he once ruled his pack with his twin brother Ookami who is the one who disappeared. Roukan was the wise counsel in the background, his brother was the leader to the outside world. When he was gone, Roukan went mad, made a lot of unwise decisions and ran their clan into the ground, many of them have been imprisoned for killing mundanes. He is an outsider now, a lost wolf without a pack and home. You will find him here.” She hands Luke a card with the name and photo of a bar.

“Thank you very much, Dai, I'm in your debt.” Luke watches her lips quirk into a smirk, and he can tell that there's so much more in her than they've seen so far, but how else could it be?

“Next time you are here, I will not let you reject my offer, so be prepared.”

Luke nods at her. “I'm looking forward to it.”

They find the bar which looks more run down than on the photo, without much of an effort and Roukan, a guy in his mid-twenties, drunk and half asleep on the counter. They help him sober up – a lot of cold water and some threats involved – before they can talk sense into him and he starts to believe what they're saying and that he might truly see Ookami again. In the end he follows them back to the portal solemn but with raised hope.

* * *

Simon keeps glancing over at his vampire leader and friend who's walking along the path to Ross Castle in Killarney, Ireland, entrance to the Irish Institute. Sleet is raining down on them but Raphael doesn't seem fazed even slightly.

With Catarina's help they portaled into the city, found the vampires residing there and got the information that the twin, Kyran, is, if at all, seen around here, stalking and plotting her revenge on the Shadowhunter her brother, Kearne, fell in love with, obsessed with the idea that the young man is to blame for her brother vanishing.

“It's such a tragic story, don't you think? They were only 17 and she must have been such a troubled girl, running off and being turned, not knowing what's happening to her and after days of starving finally biting her brother? That's just awful. She must be in a bad state.”

Raphael merely snorts next to Simon who sighs. “I hope we will find her brother, she might have a chance to, you know, get better again if we do... and maybe that Shadowhunter and him can have a future? I mean, from what the vampires said I can't tell if he liked Kearne or even knows about his feelings for him, what do you think?”

“It's none of our business, Simon, just stick to the mission, find her and get her back to my hotel, let them deal with it if we do find him.”

Simon is quiet for a moment, glancing around, but there's not much to see in the grey, wet light. “It must be beautiful in spring here, there are a lot of Irish Jews in this area, at least that's what I read in Dublin at The Irish Jewish Museum.”

“Let me guess, school trip?” Raphael deadpans.

“Yeah, in 10th grade, we came for a week, it was really cool. Hey, Raphael?”

Simon waits for the other vampire to show some reaction, he finally glances over at him. “Do you think Alec and Magnus will be okay?”

Raphael averts his eyes and looks even more somber than before. “Why do you even ask a stupid question like that? Even you are smart enough to know that they won't be.”

Simon freezes and watches as Raphael strides on. He quickly kicks his body     back into motion. “What do you mean?” He's alarmed now, cutting off Raphael who glares at him coldly.

“Get out of my way, Simon.”

Most others would be intimidated but Simon has known him for too long, and even at the beginning he wasn't really that scared of him.

“No, tell me, what do you mean they won't be okay?” Simon needs to know and he won't let it go and Raphael knows it.

The vampire leader sneers. “Alec's going to die, and Magnus won't get over that, so Alec might be okay with it, but Magnus isn't and neither am I, now move.” He pushes Simon and walks on but the younger vampire is fast to catch up.

“You know Alec can't choose between his Parabatai and Magnus, it's impossible!” Simon's a little furious with Raphael now and it shows.

“He already has chosen, Simon, don't be so naive. Doing nothing is a choice, too, against Magnus.”

“How can you say that? You don't have a clue what the Parabatai bond means, do you? He can't just end it and choose to become a Downworlder instead, that doesn't mean he's decided against Magnus!”

Raphael shrugs. “Then I guess I'm the stupid one. Maybe you'll understand the day you will see how Magnus will be destroyed by Alec's death, how he will destroy himself, maybe then you'll get it.” He snarls and walks on briskly.

Simon stares after him, feeling crestfallen and out of his depth. He walks on slowly, his mind reeling but then he's distracted by a second figure appearing and the fight that begins because Kyran is anything but willing to come with them.

She's small and slim but fast and strong and she won't even listen until they manage to knock her out, take away her weapons and drag her back to the portal. When she comes to on the way, Simon eventually gets through to her and her dull grey eyes glimmer with hope at the prospect of finally finding out about her brother. She's eager to come then.

* * *

“So, you know this... Sanji?” Ragnor is looking at Catarina, curious to learn more about these warlock twins on their way to find the remaining one in hiding.

“Sanjit, they're 168 years old, his twin sister is Samara, they're minor magic users separately, their full power unfolds only when they are together, but unfortunately for them, they never got along well. I met them once when they couldn't stop arguing about which spell to use for a summoning, they did a lot of damage and hurt themselves. They're nice on their own, but together they're like fire and water, but to be powerful they have to be together which was their fate. Their father was tempted by a succubus and they inherited her charm and her horns.”

“Interesting...” Ragnor is frowning, looking down and Catarina stops him by placing a hand on his chest.

“Look at me? What's on your mind?”

Ragnor meets her eyes but glances away, unwilling to let her see too much. “If we make it out alive, I'm going to find a real hideout where absolutely no one will ever find me again and become a botanist or an ant farmer or something like that.”

Catarina smiles gently. “You can do all of that and more, as long as you'll let me and Magnus visit, and Raph might want to say hi too.”

Ragnor's face grows taut, suddenly looking a lot older and worn. Catarina feels a stab of pain when his sorrow-filled eyes meet hers.

“I know you refuse to listen, but Magnus won't be the same again, the three of us, and Raphael... we won't be the same, Catarina. Sitting by his bed, holding his hand won't be enough this time, nothing will be enough... not after Alec, and I'm the last one to want to think about this, but seeing him those months Alec was gone, and talking to him about things... about his vision... this time, nothing we or anyone in this world can do will be enough to keep him here with us... maybe in body, but...” He shakes his head and moves away, leaving her behind, unable to comfort her after bringing her pain about something he hasn't come to terms with yet himself.

Catarina needs a minute to force the panic down that's gripping her, making her choke. She collects herself, shoving every thought of that far away again, as strong and enduring as she is, losing one of her best friends, in any way she could think of, is too much to bear.

She feels the twin's magic inside an abandoned house, just outside of the city, and a simple spell reveals the hideout Sanjit conjured for himself. Ragnor watches the young warlock with pale purple skin and blue horns on the sides of his head who listens quietly, intelligent eyes fixed on them both, as Catarina explains why they came. He doesn't say much but he agrees to go with them, seeming less moved by the chance of seeing his long lost sister again than Ragnor would have expected. Catarina was definitely right about their bond being rather one of necessity than sibling love. He opens a portal for them to join the others at the hotel.


	42. Flying High, Falling Low

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next 'proper' chapter... I had this in my head for weeks but just couldn't seem to write it... until now... thanks to my Parabeta AlyxHavok for endless support! <3

He's still cold, or again, he doesn't know, it doesn't matter. He's watching Magnus talking to the newcomers. He can hear them but he's not catching the meaning of their words. He feels separated from everyone else, as if a glass wall was between him and them. His hands are crawling with prickly numbness, his fingers digging into his palm, rubbing it absently. Will he ever feel _right_ again?

He keeps thinking back to the day he disappeared. He felt happy and light at the thought of coming home to Magnus. He wants to find that feeling inside him again, but it's not there. He's scared he might never feel it again. And he can't shake one prominent sensation that's overshadowing everything else at this moment. Almost like a premonition; something dire is going to happen.

Jace has been watching his Parabatai as inconspicuously as possible, though Alec really hasn't seemed to be aware of much at all. But there is something going on in him that Jace's senses are honed to, even more than ever before since experiencing and sharing all that horror with him.

He's moving closer to Alec's side, catching Magnus' eyes suddenly, stopping in his movement. Magnus must be aware of it, too. Alec and him don't share their kind of bond, but whatever it is, it's at least as strong. Jace nods vaguely, hoping Magnus understands that he will take care of Alec right now. And Magnus stays put, no doubt forcing his attention back to their friends and the twins they brought.

Jace sits down next to Alec, shuffles closer and puts his hand over Alec's cramped ones, shivering with how cold his brother's skin feels. “Alec?”

Alec is motionless for a second, his eyes slowly shedding their lost expression and focus on the presence again, connecting with Jace's.

“How're you feeling, buddy?” Jace's voice is soft and caring and Alec's averting his gaze.

He opens his mouth but seems to change his mind before speaking. “Strange... but I'll be fine.”

Jace squeezes his brother's hand gently. “Wanna talk about it?”

Alec shakes his head slowly. “Not now, not here... we have more important things to do.”

“Alec, you're impor-”

“I know, but, it's not a good time, once we're back.” Alec meets his eyes again and Jace relents hesitantly. He's frustrated and unhappy and wants to just take Alec away from here and... help somehow. Take them all away and do something to help heal everyone.

Alec's eyes find Magnus again, but he could be on the other side of the city, or the world, he feels cut off and isolated.

“Alec? You're not okay, let's go someplace where we can be alone, alright? Just... please.” Jace is talking quietly but his voice is urgent, insistent, Alec's emotions making him feel a sickness he's too familiar with by now and never ever wanted to be.

“Is it about your dreams? The killing…?”

When Alec's head shoots around and he finds himself confronted with his brother's piercing eyes, staring into his so excessively, he feels an iciness slither through his insides, stilling his heartbeat, robbing his breath. Alec shakes his head.

“Jace, I'm scare-”

Alec's voice is barely audible and Jace flinches, startled as Alec abruptly looks away and stands, moving further from him, leaving him shaken. What the fuck is going on with him?

Izzy is by his side instantly, her hand cupping his shoulder. “What's wrong?” Jace rubs his face with a slightly trembling hand, glancing at her. “I don't know, sis, something's really weird, he's scared of something, I think, but I don't know what or who.”

Their eyes find their brother, now standing by Robert and Max's side, listening to what the others are saying. The siblings’ gazes meet again, silently agreeing on one thing; they won't let Alec out of their sight, no matter what.

* * *

Magnus' mind is split up, one part listening to what his returned friends are telling him, one part centered on Alec at all times, and now Jace who doesn't just sense that something is up, but can actually _feel_ it. For the first time that dark jealousy doesn't grasp him, and despite feeling under fierce pressure, there's a spark of relief, gladness in there somewhere, too. Just for a moment.

“So, we go with you to these places, and once we find the creature one of our siblings is trapped inside, we do what?” Sanjit, the warlock who has been just as quiet and cautiously observing as the vampire and werewolf seemed to be, decided to speak up.

Magnus meets his vivacious, sea green eyes. “We are hoping that your mere presence will suffice to lift the spell, we have no other information, or choice.”

The warlock's eyes are roaming Magnus' face intently before he nods in understanding. Magnus turns to Roukan whose black bangs have fallen into his dark eyes, not quite hiding, not from Magnus, their still slightly glassy look.

Magnus' eyes catch the vampire’s fleeting gaze, Kyran, who stayed the furthest behind, watching everyone with nervous wariness, as if ready to pounce should anyone do something to tick her off.

“One of your siblings is dead, you mustn't lose sight of that. We will only be able to save the remaining two.” Magnus is calm, steady, an unmovable rock in a storm, his gaze holding them captive until he sees acceptance in their faces.

“We should all go this time.” Luke steps forward, intent on getting Magnus to agree with him. Their hope is that the creature sees its twin and breaks the spell, but they don't know and they have to be as cautious and safe as possible.

Magnus turns, looks at Izzy and Jace, Lydia, Clary and Jocelyn, Alec, Robert and Max and Church and Chairman Meow, his eyes returning to Alec like a magnetic impulse. He wants him to stay. He wants to stay with him. Get him out of here, just out.

There's a knot in his gut so big it's pushing its boundaries. Seven months. Alec was gone for seven months and he didn't know where he was, what was happening to him, what was done to him. He imagined the worst, his mind providing endless torture. He woke up every time he eventually fell asleep, terrified, yelling, sobbing, keening, another terror added to the others, piling and piling on inside his mind, his soul. He still doesn't know, his only consolation that Alec doesn't remember.

He feels himself slipping, twitching, his fingers pressing into his palms as he looks back at Luke. “Yes, we should.”

He turns fully towards Max. “What's the next location, Maxwell?”

Max moves towards him. “The Old Treasury Building in Melbourne, Australia. I'm sure of that one, and don't bother feeling bad, I know _all_ doesn't include me by now, and anyway, the last location is a bit trickier, so I'll work on that one while you're playing heroes.”

Magnus crouches and pulls the boy into a strong embrace. “Thank you, my friend. You're the real hero.” He places his hands on Max's upper arms, looking intently at him until the boy nods and smiles which Magnus returns before he straightens up and approaches Alec, standing as close as he can without touching him.

“You don't have to come.” Magnus' voice is soft as silk, his face barely hiding what he feels, but it is entirely up to Alexander.

“I'm going.” Alec's hazel depths are insightful but resolute.

Magnus knew his answer, of course, and he's ignoring the knot that just grew a little tighter, and the guilt that must reach past the heavens by now. He nods at his love and turns to everyone else. “Gather whatever you need, we're leaving in the next ten minutes.”

Magnus wants to, _needs_ to get this over with as fast as possible. He has kept ignoring his inner struggles and ordeals for too long, and though he has no choice but preserve an invincible facade for as long as this takes, he will speed things up as much as he can, above all for Alec's sake.

* * *

Jace watches as Alec, followed by Izzy, heads upstairs to get his bow and quiver. He's trying to calm himself, trying to believe it's not as bad as he thinks, as he _feels_. Clary and Jocelyn are watching him worriedly but he doesn't know what to tell them, how to explain anything anymore. He just wants it to be over.

He catches sight of Magnus, and even though he's aware of this instant being the possibly most inconvenient of times, he's already moving, grabbing Magnus' arm just above his elbow, tugging him along into the next best empty room.

He overlooks how the other man is glowering at him, he himself riddled with edgy emotions that make his arms and shoulders move aimlessly.

“Magnus, I know this is terrible timing, but you don't have to do or say anything, just let me declutter part of this fucking mess in me, and sorry this isn't about Alec, because I know as little as you, but I just have to say this one thing.” He shuts his eyes for a mere second then peers into his friend's dark brown ones.

“I blamed you, for everything, because you're the warlock, you're the powerful, magical being, and you should have found him. So I put it all on you, all the pain and loss and hollowness I had left inside me, when really I was blaming myself this whole time for not being able to find the other half of me. And it was so different from being apart before. It was just... like floating in an endless pit I'd never get out of again. There was nothing there, nothing final, no hope, no end, just infinite levitating... And I have never felt so incomplete and helpless before. And I am so sorry, Magnus, I'm sorry.”

Magnus feels irritated, confused, annoyed, impatient, and frustrated. Why does everyone always need him to care? Why does this Shadowhunter think he can just dump this on him _now_ and expect him to... what exactly does he expect? Him to understand? Forgive? Comfort him? Why should he be the one to do that? Why is that expected of him? What has he done to become the emotional trash can for everyone?

Why... Magnus closes his eyes, breathing slowly. He shuts the part of his mind up that's telling him all of this, even if it were true, he _cares._ He doesn't want any of them to hurt. And he can tell Jace is hurting terribly, he doesn't need to share his soul to know that.

Alec loves Jace completely and unconditionally, and Jace loves Alec just the same, and they're part of each other. And Magnus loves Alec beyond the realm of imagination and he loves Jace because Alec loves Jace and Jace loves Alec and they're bound for life and there's no way around this.

He inhales deeply and reaches his hands out to squeeze Jace's shoulders, locking their eyes.

“I know, I understand. There's nothing left unsaid between us. We have to make sure to never lose him again.”

Magnus can see a weight lifting off of the Shadowhunter. Jace nods and wraps Magnus into a fierce hug. “Thank you.” He holds onto him for a last lingering moment, then Magnus feels Jace's body moving, hears his quick, hard footsteps leave the room, the door shutting behind him.

Magnus opens his eyes.

He feels in pieces.

* * *

They’re all ready when Magnus reappears and his mask is as firmly in place as could be. His heart jolts when he spots Alec hugging Max, the cats barely patient enough to wait for their turn.

He ignores inquisitive looks, there’s no way he will talk to anyone about his inner battles, he is crushed by guilt with every breath he takes for all that shit he threw at Alec, it’s already too much for him to bear.

He opens a portal, his last look applying to Max who reciprocates it with an affirmative nod.

Magnus doesn’t waste even seconds after they’ve all stepped safely through the portal, he rushes inside, following the demonic pull he has familiarized himself with by now, feeling the demon stone pulsate in his pocket like a living being.

They reach a room with archways across the ceiling, no doors, just walkways heading through on each side, there are a couple of benches on the left and right and a glass display. In the middle, between the benches, there’s a sign that reads ‘built on gold’.

Magnus waves his hand and the sign disappears, he crouches down, finding the mark instantly. He stands and turns to look at everyone else, the space crowded with people.

“Just remember that we don’t know what awaits us, stay together and find the creature quickly, don’t let the twins out of your sight, or each other.” Everyone nods, bracing themselves.

Magnus crouches down again, the stone now in his hand whispering and shifting.

The spot in the wall opens.

They’re shrouded in darkness.

* * *

Ragnor told Catarina about the darkness so she would have her magic at the ready, but as they become aware again, they’re in clear daylight, all standing in a row at the edge of a meadow, a forest behind them, before them endless vastness, green meadows, hills, trees, a large lake they can’t see the end of. Mountains way back in the distance, surrounded by white, puffy clouds. No mythical creature in sight, just birds chirping in the trees.

They’re all glancing at each other, not daring to move yet, most eyes finding Magnus who seems to just take up the leading role automatically at this point. He feels somehow responsible for this madness anyway.

He takes a cautious few steps forward, his hands outstretched, his magic sparking on his palms, sending tiny tingles through his hands and arms. It smells, looks, and feels real. And even when he reaches the end of the hill they’re on, nothing happens.

He turns around and walks back to the others. “Let’s scout the area in groups, no one leaves anyone out of sight, shout immediately when you spot anything.” He turns, waving Ragnor and Simon over.

“Any myths you can think of in such a place?” The two are frowning, wracking their brains.

“Maybe another water creature down in that lake.” Ragnor points and Simon nods, chiming in.

“I read up on them as much as I could. Could be a Grindylow or a Kraken, Loreley or a Nymph or Siren or even Nessie, or maybe-”

“Enough, thanks. Let’s just be very cautious and move slowly.” Magnus interrupts him, not needing a dozen more names he can’t make much sense of right now. He turns to check on the others, Alec most of all, finding him heading towards another hill up ahead, Izzy, Jace and Robert at his side.

* * *

Alec’s long strides aren’t exactly difficult to follow but Izzy and Jace are sharing looks again, speeding up themselves to catch up. It didn’t come as a surprise to them that Alec suggested the hill, he’s always liked and looked out for the best vantage point. There’s a huge tree next to the hill, it’s thick, long branches, covered in dark green leaves, hanging over one side of it, blocking their view.

They halt right at the edge, able to see further down into the valley, but all there is is more landscape and the mammoth lake.

“Seems we will have to get down there.” Robert suggests and Alec nods quietly.

Jace and their dad are the first to turn to walk back down, because the drop seems a little too steep to just jump and they’re in no rush.

Alec is scanning the horizon once more then taps his sister on the back and moves to follow the others. Izzy keeps looking over the edge, her eyes scanning the area from left to right until the tree is in the way. Her eyes fall downwards, sensing something her mind needs a second too long to register.

Her mouth opens in a silent scream.

All the land seems to be filled by a sudden caw, a bray that sounds animal-like, bird-like, but doesn’t belong to any bird any of them has ever heard.

When Alec, Jace and Robert turn, they see a huge pearl white bird with a wingspan of at least two men, four legs with long, sharp claws, and a tail resembling a lion’s. And in it’s right front claw, Izzy.

Alec moves within an instant, drawing an arrow while running back up, but the bird is fast, flying speedily away with his sister. He tells himself to concentrate, forget everything else, to take a deep breath to calm himself, ignoring his pounding heart and the panic that wants to take a hold of him.

He is composed, he knows his bow like a second skin, he trusts his hands that are steadfast, his eyes as sharp as an eagle’s, his arrow; it’s an extension of his arm. He takes in the wind velocity, the speed of the bird and lets go.

The arrow dashes through the air, hits the bird’s foot, making it squall, but most importantly, it let go of Izzy and she’s falling to the ground.

Alec jumps down the hill, lands and races towards her.

“Izzy! Are you alright?” Alec’s placed the bow and quiver next to where she landed but she’s already sitting up and nodding and relief floods him.

“I guess I found the twin.” Izzy smiles softly, looking just slightly woozy.

Alec is about to answer when he hears Jace’s and his dad’s yells just behind them. He barely looks up as his senses are already letting him know he’s in danger.

The bird comes swooping down with raw speed and power and he grabs Alec’s body before he can take hold of his weapons and instead of flying straight on like before with Izzy, the bird races upwards, taking Alec with it.

Izzy screams, grabs Alec’s bow and an arrow and shoots it as fast as she can, but though she is good at archery from training with Alec for years, she never had the knack for it that Alec did right from the start, and even for him it would have been extremely difficult to catch the bird - without killing it - in this position.

The arrow misses and the bird is merely a speck in the sky.

* * *

Magnus and the others watched the bird flying off with Izzy and Alec shooting it and disappearing down the hill in mere moments. They all ran down there, reaching the spot where Alec was only a few seconds ago just after Jace and Robert.

“The bird has him! What do we do?” Izzy shouts, looking to Magnus for guidance.

“It’s a griffin, isn’t it?” Simon is still staring upwards in awe.

“Yes, it is.” Ragnor responds, his mind rattling. “It seems bigger than the descriptions, though. They are said to be gentle creatures, half eagle, half lion, their claws have medicinal powers, and they’re mating for life, when one of them dies the other never looks for another mate.”

Magnus’ expression of shocking urgency makes him stop citing pointless information. “They hunt treasure… gold and anything sparkly… they usually have an aerie where they take their findings. My best guess is it will take Alec there.”

“Where? A tree?” Jace asks while already scanning the area, though that tree must be a lot further away.

“No, up there.” Ragnor points to the mountains in the distance and everyone stares ahead.

“Forget it, I’ll try something else.” They’re not going to go mountain climbing, not until they know Alec is definitely there.

Magnus rushes away from the others, needing some space and quiet to focus. He closes his eyes, every cell, pore, thought and emotion trained on Alec.

* * *

Alec’s never been scared of heights or experienced motion sickness, and if he doesn’t now being dragged upwards through cold winds and a neverending sky, he never will.

He could see the others become tiny dots, the land disappearing. All he can see now is white fog as they race through clouds but then the bird finally stops his upwards flight, moves vertical and slows down, its wings beating in a steady rhythm.

Alec takes a deep breath and tries to pry the claws open that are tightly gripping his waist. He wants to try and climb onto the creature’s back. But his chances seem non-existent.

 _Seraph blade_. Right, he lost his bow and quiver but his blade is still stuck in his belt. He manages to pull it out, but hesitates. He doesn’t really want to hurt it, the twin inside. But he already has with his arrow, he can see it stick out of its other foot. And he needs to get out of this position.

He’s careful, just poking the flesh, aware that the creature could just drop him at any moment and he has to hold on or they’ll find him as slobber on the ground. He can hear Jace make a distasteful remark about this. He better get back to him and the others in one piece.

He’s just about to poke the creature again when a voice in his mind startles him so much, he pierces the foot too hard, the bird caws in pain and would probably have dropped him if he hadn’t clung to one sharp claw, glad he’s not the seraph blade falling out of the sky beneath him.

_Alexander, can you hear me? Answer me, if you can hear me, please! It’s Magnus!_

Magnus! Of course… he better not let him know he’s responsible for him almost being slobber on the ground! He could laugh if his position wasn’t so exhausting. He pulls himself up and grabs the creature’s leg, finally having a safer hold.

How does he answer Magnus? They’ve done this before, he remembers now. He focuses on the way he looks, sounds, smells, feels.  

_Magnus?_

_Thank the Angel, are you alright? Where is it taking you? What can you tell me?_

Alec’s looking up at the underside of the bird’s head and then along its wing, estimating that getting a hold of its fur and hoisting himself up to be his best shot at getting onto its back, but the strength of that wing if it catches him could easily knock him out, he has to be cautious and quick.

_I gotta do something, I’ll talk to you once I’m done, give me a minute._

_Alexander, please… alright, be careful!_

Alec can’t but quirk his lips into a tiny smile, glad Magnus trusts him and damn yeah, he will try to be careful!

He braces himself, digs his fingers as deeply into the creature’s fur as he can and jumps, grabbing more fur with his other hand, hoisting himself up more, watching the wing closely.

He ducks once to prevent making contact and then finally manages to fling his leg over the bird’s shoulder, straddling it, holding on tight with his upper body bent forward. He feels a strange kind of excitement and comfort knowing Magnus is with him, if only in mind.

_Magnus? I’m sitting on the bird now, it’s flying towards the mountains, any suggestions?_

_Good, it’s a griffin, it will probably take you to its aerie where they take treasures they find._

_Treasures? It made a real bum deal with me then._

_Alexander, stop it, you’re the most precious to me, you know that._

Alec sighs softly, feeling a stab of equal guilt and pleasure.

_Yeah, sorry._

_It’s alright for now, can you talk to it?_

Alec frowns, talk to it? Well, he can try…

“Hey, you! Griffin! Can you hear me? Can you talk?” Alec listens carefully. He can hear the wings and the wind.

_Doesn’t seem to work!_

_You have to use your mind, like you are doing with me, I will try and help you! Concentrate!_

Alec sighs and tries to focus even harder, closing his eyes. This better work.

_Hello? Can you hear me? Griff- whoever is trapped inside this creature, can you hear me?_

Alec can feel Magnus’ presence more vigorously than before, filling him, opening up his mind.

_Who… are you?_

A second voice, sounding feeble. It must be the twin.

_I’m Alec, I’m here to help you. We found your twin, you have to turn around and fly back to the others, we can save you, we can break the spell._

_Bring me…_

Alec’s frowning, bring? He doesn’t know what they mean, but there’s something else gaining his attention. Something else happening in his mind that drives pin-prick showers along his spine.

The way he can sense Magnus and his magic seems to change. There’s more… there’s… darkness, more magic… power that’s beginning to show, echoes, whispers of voices he doesn’t know, doesn’t understand, but they seem to be calling to him, drawing him into…

_Alexander!_

Alec’s eyes fly open, he’s trembling and sweating and blinking in confusion. What the hell was that… Focus!

_Whoever you are, we can save you, please fly back to the others! Your twin is waiting, your twin is here but you have to bring me back to the others!_

Alec feels a desperation take hold of him, the creature doesn’t seem to hear him, at least won’t respond and it keeps flying towards the mountains. He drops his head down and takes deep breaths. Why is he failing now? How soon will the others make it to those mountains? What else might be there? Will he be able to get away and down on his own? Shit!

_Alexander! Talk to me! What’s happening? I can’t hear either of you!_

Magnus… always saving him, always doing the impossible for him, because he’s such a damn failure! Gosh, not now! He doesn’t need that now!

_I’m sorry… I guess they can’t hear me now…_

Alec drops his head into the fur, his body taut. He probably did it wrong, but how…

_Alexander, it’s alright, we will find you!_

Alec doesn’t doubt it, doesn’t doubt Magnus, he never truly has. He just wants to not be a burden one day of his-

The griffin moves suddenly, throwing Alec off track, his hands and legs clinging tighter to the creature.

Is it… he feels such relief, his chest losing its choking tightness.

_Magnus! It’s flying back towards you! It just turned back!_

_YES! Excellent news, now don’t fall off it and come back in one piece!_

Alec chuckles, feeling warmth in him at the sound of Magnus smiling.

_You’re just jealous because you’ve never had the pleasure of riding a griffin, admit it!_

_You got me, Alexander, you got me._

Alec smiles. He has got him. And he’s not going to lose him.

* * *

They were all too anxious to know what’s going on and were quietly standing around Magnus, still giving him some space and heeding Ragnor’s warning not to talk.

“Magnus? Is he okay?” Izzy can’t take it any longer when she sees Magnus’ smile. It can only mean…

Magnus opens his eyes, slightly shaking out his limbs. He’s exhausted, but it doesn’t matter. He steps towards her, smiling and nodding, and hugs her as she flings her arms around his neck. “Yes, he is fine and we managed to get through to the twin, they are flying back here.” He pulls away and seeks out Roukan, Kyran and Sanjit.

“The three of you must do your part now. We will position ourselves behind you, hopefully when they see one of you as their twin, it will be enough. Be careful.” He urges them then looks up to the sky.

“That’s them!” Simon shouts and Izzy takes his arm and tugs him along to stand back with everyone but the twins.

Magnus moves further away, too, watching as the griffin circles above them, seeming cautious but then it lands at some distance, its sea green eyes watching them attentively.

Alec is beyond relieved when he feels solid ground underneath the creature. He lets go and slides down, ducks away for a few steps, then runs, crushing straight into Magnus who’s wrapping him into a tight hug, both letting go a labored breath that turns light with the joy they feel at being able to hold the other again.

“Thanks, without you I’d be stuck on some mountain top, maybe as fodder for its offspring?” Alec jokes a little, pressing more into Magnus’ solid body that’s always meant comfort and safety for him, his nose in Magnus’ neck, inhaling his unique scent Alec can never get enough of. He can never get enough of this, he needs to stop fighting senseless battles.

Magnus laughs quietly, brimming with alleviation. “I doubt that would have happened, Alexander, but I still rather have you back here. Come.”

He doesn’t want to let go of him - ever - but the spell isn’t broken yet and as they approach the others from the side, Jace and Izzy are right there, flinging themselves at their brother.

Magnus’ heart jolts with happiness for once but his eyes are drawn to the griffin and the three people that got his attention. The creature keeps emitting strange bird-like sounds, taking one careful step forward after the other.

Kyran and Roukan are a step behind Sanjit who doesn’t seem as afraid as the other two. None of them know what to do, if their being here is enough. The warlock, however, seems confident in his steps, his eyes firmly locked on the griffin. He walks towards it, the other two more hesitantly following.

What no one knows is that Sanjit felt something as the griffin landed and their eyes connected for a split moment. The feeling gets stronger the closer he comes to the creature. There’s just an arm’s length between them now and he’s staring at one of its sea green eyes, eyes like his own.

“I didn’t think I would see you again, Samara, especially not hiding in some bird, or lion. It’s time to come out now, sister, don’t play coy with me, I know you too well.” He is smirking and takes a last step forward, his hand, slightly shaking, coming up to the griffin’s head, settling on its warm, smooth beak.

Everyone’s holding their breath.

* * *

When Alec comes to, he’s certain he’s dreaming. There are voices yelling and screaming, there are lots and lots of noises he can’t distinguish, there’s smoke, fire, ichor… glowing blades and blue and green magic.

“She’s dead!”

Something in him snaps. It’s not a dream, they’re back in the Old Treasury Building, the spell is broken, or is it? Demons! Where’s his bow, where’s-

“Alec! Are you okay? You were out the longest.” Izzy is by his side with his bow and quiver, but all he can stare at is his friends killing demons.

“They were right here when the spell broke, they didn’t wait a second before they attacked us.”

“Who’s dead?” Alec remembers a voice, but his head seems fogged up.

“The twins were the first they went for, they got Kyran before any of us could react.”

Kyran, oh no… and then it’s over. Magnus and Jace come rushing towards him, while the others check for more demons, Catarina is bent over the vampire girl. Is she still alive after all? Roukan is sitting beside her, but by the amount of blood on his body, he was injured badly.

“Alec, are you alright?” Alec’s eyes flit from Magnus’ to Jace’s and back. He nods.

“Yes, what’s happening?” His mind seems unwilling to fully comprehend.

“I should have foreseen this, they must have found the location, or even a way to track the demon stone, or something else… they attacked us immediately and the warlock twins ran off. There were more demons but they fled.” Or got called back. They didn’t go for the artifact in the wall, which surprises Magnus, but he doesn’t have time to ponder.

“Magnus!” He turns and rushes to Catarina, talks to her quietly and nods, then moves back towards them.

“We have to take the twins to the hotel.” Ragnor’s already opened a portal, Jace and Lydia are rushing to get the others. Izzy pulls Alec into the portal.

* * *

“What the hell?!” Alec hears his sister’s outcry, shakes his head to get rid of the fog that’s still lingering but then forgets about it as he sees what she’s seeing.

The hotel… the left side of it is demolished, stones, debris and dust everywhere, a gaping hole in the middle.

One thought is penetrating through Alec’s haze. “Max!”

He dashes inside, Izzy on his heels. There are vampires, wounded and partly burned, some werewolves, too, seeming to care for the vampires, but Alec is only watching for his little brother. He’s rushing upstairs, shouting for him, looking in every room, panic settling in his body like a heavy blanket of steel.

“Alec!”

He leaps around, staring at his sister. “Downstairs!” He hurries after her, everyone’s inside now, shocked faces all around. Lucille, one of Raphael’s scouts is talking to them.

“-huge, I’ve never seen one like it, it just trashed the wall, we tried to fight it but there was no way. It wanted the boy, it took him, there was nothing we could do, I’m so sorry.”

Alec feels as if his blood is freezing in his veins, he feels faint, a sickness overwhelming him. It’s not just his. Jace feels it, too. There’s fear and terror in his Parabatai’s eyes.

“But he’s alive? It took him alive?” Izzy’s voice quivers, though she’s trying to stay collected. Not Max! Not another of her brothers, how will they cope…?

“Yes, he was definitely alive, he was yelling at it, and the cat, it was attacking the demon.” Lucille recounts, her light brown face appearing ashen.

“The cat? Which? Where are they?” Alec’s forced out of his panic-induced apathy.

Lucille points to the wall behind them, part of a door is leant against it, providing a dark, safe space underneath. Alec heads there right away, crouches down and tries to see… two sparkling eyes in the darkness are watching him.

“Church? Hey, boy… come here… you’re safe now.” He talks softly to the cat, carefully reaching out his hand.

When Church moves he’s immediately alerted. “Magnus! He’s hurt!”

Magnus magics the door away and crouches down beside the cat, checking him over as carefully as he can. “Both of his hind legs are broken. You’re getting too old for this, my friend.” He can’t but muster a small smile at the growl Church responds with. He snaps his magic to life and starts healing him.

“He’ll be okay?” Alec needs the confirmation, he needs to know that everything and everyone… Max… “Where’s the Chairman?” He looks to Lucille again.

“I think he’s with the boy. We didn’t see him anywhere else.”

There’s a kind of joyful, admirable pain inside him. Church tried to fight a demon, the Chairman must be with Max, stayed with him to keep him safe. Alec swallows down the lump in his throat and very gently strokes Church’s head. “Thank you.” He meets Magnus’ eyes, and for just a second time stands still.

“Demon!”

They hear the yell, people rushing, drawing weapons, preparing to fight.

There’s only one shax demon and before anyone can get close enough it combusts, leaving a tiny black device… a hologram appears and everyone’s staring at the face of Alistair.

“It’s very simple. I have the boy, I want the stones. Bring them to me and he lives.”

Max is shown now, bound and gagged, but definitely alive and seemingly unharmed. No sign of the Chairman, though.

“I had to quiet him, he talks too much, but I haven’t hurt a hair on his body... yet, and he will get back to you in one sound piece if you do as I say. Get the last stone. I will send a messenger in two hours. Don’t make me wait.”

The image fades.

* * *

edit I made for this chapter

 


	43. Reflections And Illusions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that took a while... the struggle is real for lots of reasons... mainly tumblr being so ninjkscosjoisjco and I start fearing things that hopefully might not come true but putting anything out there is getting scarier by the day... 
> 
> Anyway, I made an image edit a while back for the last chapter and added it at the end of 42 if anyone wants to check it out. 
> 
> Also... I never thought about that before but I guess I should have, I don't know... but as I found out recently that a lot of people in this fandom seem to have very strong opinions about this topic and aren't exactly nice about it, I feel like I need to address it somehow... so... 
> 
> If you are not open to the possibility of Magnus becoming mortal, or Alec immortal, or similar, I'm sorry to only say this now (it honestly didn't occur to me that so many people dislike these ideas!!!!) but I guess then you should stop reading now...
> 
>  
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: mentions of death, violence, drowning and too many freaking emotions because that's what's it about. 
> 
> Thanks to my incredibly lovely and supportive Parabeta AlyxHavok for always knowing what to say to cheer me up and keep me going!!! Means the world.

It’s eerily quiet as dozens of eyes are staring at the small black device left on the floor that’s flooded with daylight coming through the ruined building wall.

Jace is the first to move, marching straight for it, snatching it up into his fingerless gloved hand, glaring at it with bitterness and silently seething fury.

Izzy’s hand on his shoulder and her gentle brown eyes, brimming with soaring sorrow, calm him enough to act as he must.

He quickly prepares himself to track the location, not wasting a second as he senses he’s too weak, and he’s not turned half to find him when his parabatai is already there, their eyes meeting with natural understanding as their hands close around the device and they track the location together.

Magnus is almost done healing Church’s legs, making sure he’s perfectly alright, at the same time silently communicating with Ragnor who leaves Catarina to tend to the wounded twins and starts rebuilding the hotel’s wall while Catarina keeps healing both of her patients while also providing Clary, Lydia, Simon, Jocelyn, Alaric, Robert and others with instructions and a few healing potions for the burnt and wounded vampires and wolves.

Luke is searching for his knife to cut some bandages, his phone falling into his hand instead, unable to ignore the messages popping up as he swipes the screen. He’s been waiting for an update from a certain someone but in the midst of all the chaos he completely forgot… with every word the restlessness in his gut worsens, making him over-think and doubt his previous decisions, but there’s no room for it. He needs to act, checks the time quickly, the last message was sent almost an hour ago, they should have been here by now.

Worry is gnawing on his insides. He slips the phone back into his jacket, finds the knife and instructs a pack member close to him to take over. He reaches the Lightwood siblings in time to overhear their conversation.

“They were at Brooklyn Bridge Park, near the East River, I’m going to check it out, if there’s even a chance they’re still there-” Jace gets interrupted by two big hands framing his face. As he looks up he’s met by worn out, agony-filled, yet comforting hazel eyes he’d know out of millions.

“Jace, it’s okay, we’re coming with you.” Alec saw the manic expression in his brother’s eyes, feels the same pressure and guilt that threatens to numb his body and mind if he doesn’t get it together.

Izzy nods next to Alec, and Jace wonders how she can still be so fierce and strong when she - like all of them by now - is so close to depletion. He takes a deep breath and nods, watching Alec stepping back as Magnus approaches them, his brow furrowed with worry and strain.

“Church is well,” he offers immediately, “and though I doubt anyone will still be there, you may find another clue as to Max’s whereabouts. Just trust me, he won’t harm him as long as he gets what he wants, I’ve dealt with too many of his sort. Just be careful.”

“You’re not coming?” Izzy looks at her friend stunned, mirroring Jace’s and Alec’s expressions.

Magnus looks almost guilty, his eyes flicking to Catarina and the twins. They look slightly better than before but he knows they won’t be ready.

“I think it’s best if I go retrieve the last stone on my own, I’ll be quicker that way and won’t have anyone to protect.”

He glances back up at the three, his eyes resting on the face he wants to never lose sight of again.

“No, you can’t go on your own, Magnus, and what about the twins? Can they make it? You can’t break the spell without them.” Alec is riddled with cold worry snaking around him, pressing and pressing on, feeding its hunger which seems bottomless.

Magnus shakes his head slightly, his mouth moving to speak, though unsure of what to say.

“The necklaces!” Their heads whip around to stare at Jace uncomprehending.

“The faerie twins had identical cornflower necklaces, remember? Maybe it’s enough if you take something of theirs with you? Maybe it could work…” Jace’s face shows signs of insecurity now as he looks at Magnus for a response. He doesn’t even know why he blurted it out before thinking it through. Maybe it’s because ever since it happened he couldn’t stop thinking about them, their faces added to everything else that will make it harder to sleep at night. All of which isn’t important right now. They need the last stone and they need to find Max.

Magnus’ eyes flit between Jace and the wounded twins, his mind working on overdrive. “It’s worth a try.” He concludes, giving Jace a tiny smile of appreciation, easing the Shadowhunter’s mind a little before he turns, heading for Catarina and the twins. He’s stopped by a hand around his bicep.

“Magnus, wait! You can’t go on your own, I-” Alec is torn, he wants to go with his siblings to look for Max but he needs to be with Magnus too, to make sure he’s OK.

“I’ll go with Jace and Isabelle, and you join Magnus.” Luke steps forward, determining the best moment for his suggestion. Going with them will give him opportunity to check on the others who were nearby when they last sent a message.

Alec gives his friend a grateful nod, a fleeting smile crossing his mouth as Luke pats the back of his head before joining Jace and Izzy.

Others offer their assistance, especially Robert and Alaric, Clary and Jocelyn, but Luke convinces them all that right now the fewer leave the better, there’s a lot to be done at the hotel still and they will call for backup instantly should they need it. He also wants to have as few people to deal with as possible in case of detection. The inevitable to come he will face when it’s time.

Magnus can’t deny how tension seeps from his bones at the prospect of having Alec with him, if only for mere moments before new trouble plagues his mind.

What if Jace’s idea won’t work and they won’t free the twin… his features set in stone; he will do what he has to to keep Alec safe, even if the guilt of killing someone innocent will haunt him, the thought of having to take a sibling’s life twisting his gut painfully as he looks at the unconscious vampire girl and half-conscious werewolf. He really hopes it won’t have to come to that.

“Any advice?” Magnus asks his warlock friend as he’s looking for an item from the girl to take, his gaze falling on Alec who is hugging Luke, Izzy and Jace, no doubt sharing some words of caution and care before they leave.

“Stay alive, don’t be reckless, be smart and come back to kick that jerk’s ass into oblivion.” Catarina’s brow is strained in concentration, she looks drained from using so much of her power, but even in dire situations there’s something everlasting strong about her, in her eyes, in her voice, and Magnus looks to Isabelle who’s just stepping out of the hotel with Luke and Jace. He wonders if these two exceptional women know how similar they are and how badly their seemingly inexhaustible vigor is needed by them all.

Magnus kisses her cheek and caresses a white strand of hair from where it fell into her eye. “Promise.”

Alec took a ring from Roukan and Magnus found a small, fainted photo of her and her brother in a thin box inside of Kyran’s pocket. They’ll have to do.

They make haste, Magnus sharing a quick word with Ragnor and Raphael who seems particularly crushed and filled with anger, while Robert and Alec share a few words and a small hug. They leave the bustle with a ‘We’ll be back soon!’ but are stopped by Church sitting down in front of them, not even slightly concerned by the possibility of them stepping accidentally on him.

“What now, Church? You’re fine and we have to leave.” Magnus is rather impatient, wanting to get there and back as quickly as possible, needing to find a way to get Max without handing over the artefacts, but his mind is jumping half a dozen steps too far, he needs to focus on the now first.

Alec, who feels also pressured but not quite as on edge right now, crouches down to the cat and smiles softly, tickling the cat’s chin, still feeling very thankful. “What is it, bud?”

Church mewls once and trots away looking back, a certain sign to follow him. Alec and Magnus share a quick look before heading after him upstairs and into Max’s room. He jumps up onto the desk and lies down, his tail slapping the surface as it moves up and down.

“Church, I promise if this is another one of your antics, I’ll-”

“Magnus, look.” Alec steps closer, reaching for a piece of paper showing underneath Church’s body. His eyes scan it before he smiles softly.

“Do you know where we’re going?” He looks at Magnus with a spark of amusement in his eyes, very unfitting for the dire situation, maybe born resistance in spite of it.

Magnus blinks, frowns, opens his mouth and closes it again.

“Yeah, exactly. We’re lucky Max left this...” A shadow is crossing his features, cold dread spreading inside him as he thinks of his little brother.

“Thank you very much, Church.” He pats the cat’s head and takes Magnus’ hand. “Ever been to Armenia? Maybe the Monastery of Ghegard?”

Magnus gives Church an apologetic look then nods at Alec, his fingers curling around Alec’s, squeezing, the touch letting him focus as well as spending comfort. They step through the portal as Church closes his eyes in need of a nap, satisfied with his work and more than willing to let the wizard and hunter do the rest of it.

* * *

Three figures are walking through the city streets in direction of the Brooklyn Bridge. It’s cold and gloomy, grey clouds in the sky, the smell of ice in the air. Two of the figures walk close to each other, another taller one a few paces behind them, scanning the area.

Jace’s hands are on the hilt of his seraph blade, instantly ready to fight should Izzy’s necklace start to pulsate. It’s quiet, too quiet for his mind, providing no distraction. He doesn’t like being so far away from Alec, not knowing what awaits his parabatai and warlock friend at the last location. He doesn’t like heading to yet another destination without knowing what - if - they’ll find anything. Most of all he doesn’t like how powerful Alistair is getting, sending a demon strong enough to break through Magnus’ wards and kidnap Max. He _hates_ all of this and the ever present feeling of helplessness. Of being too weak, outsmarted, inept.

“Even if Max isn’t there, we’ll find him, and you needn’t worry about him, you know how tough he is, tougher than all of us together.” Jace’s look flicks to his sister but he’s not in the mood to play along, even if he usually appreciates what she’s trying to do.

“Can we just not.” His steps quicken, his strides becoming longer, but Izzy catches up in no time.

“I mean it, Jace, and you know better than anyone that bottling it up doesn’t help. I really wish you and Alec would finally learn to stop that, it would make this much easier for once.” Izzy sighs and Jace refrains from snapping at her. He knows she’s right but he knows a lot of things, yet doesn’t always seem to be able to act accordingly.

“What about you? You hardly talk about what’s eating you up.” He plays the ball back into her court, hoping to distract.

“I know what you’re doing, and I do talk to Clary and Simon and dad, and Lydia when she’s around, and many others you’d be surprised or how do you think I know so much about people?”

Jace shakes his head. “I know that, Izzy, I’ve known you for a long time, but you don’t often talk about what’s bothering you, like you want me to.”

Izzy snorts and sighs. “I do, but I’m better at functioning in emotional turmoils, unlike you and Alec, and I get it, you feel more and it’s just harder for you.”

“No, Izzy, don’t devalue your feelings, we just… it’s just the bond and…” Their eyes meet and Izzy’s eyes are soft and warm and full of understanding and Jace deflates.

“I guess, the bond, yes… it feels worse, I mean, it feels stronger than before Alec disappeared. It’s like part of it has been asleep and it’s fully awake now? I don’t even know, Izzy, but it’s really intense… You know I asked him whether he wanted to break the bond and in that moment I was scared he'd say yes. I really thought he wanted rid of it, and me… Of course he didn't and I know what I mean to him, but... Just the way he loves Magnus... I can feel how deep it goes, hell, sometimes I feel like I'm in love with Magnus, for real, because it's so intense in a way I've never felt, and of course I've been jealous and I know that makes me such an asshole. It's just... I feel guilty for restricting Alec through our bond but how could I have known he'd fall in love with a warlock and that he'd love him so completely that nothing compares? Except maybe the parabatai bond but it's different and confusing, complex... You know... I just feel that I'm not made to deal with all of these feelings, and the bad definitely tops the good, and I know they're even - more - for Alec, and I have no idea how he copes and I just want to help him hurt less but I keep hurting him more, unintentionally but still... And I can see Magnus is only keeping it together for Alec, and us, but mainly Alec. You should've seen him back at the loft... I don't just mean the demon part... When he came out of their bedroom there was such... misery and despair in his eyes, it almost knocked me out... Feeling it through Alec… None of them should have to suffer like this and yet we keep relying on them to get us through this, at least I do, if I'm honest. It’s just so fucked up and I finally want to _do_ something to end this!”

He growls with pent up frustration and Izzy puts her hand on his forearm, not knowing what she could do or say to make it better, not right now, in time it will, she’s sure because she has to be.

“Focus on what’s in front of you, on what you can actually do right now. Anything else will drive you mad and lead to disaster.” Luke appeared at Jace’s other side, having listened quietly to their conversation.

Jace lets a huffed breath go and glances at the taller man. “You’ll have to teach me the art of Lucian Graymark’s coolness again, I seem to have forgotten.”

There’s sarcasm in the Shadowhunter’s voice, but also comprehension and a trace of amusement as he looks abashed at him. He knows Luke won’t take it the wrong way. They’ve had conversations like this before, about Valentine, the parabatai bond, dealing with becoming a werewolf and a broken bond. He was also the one Jace sought out more than once in the months he had lost Alec, when he didn’t feel like he could turn to anyone else. The respect and admiration he has for his werewolf friend is unending. And he _knows_ but being thrown in all of this new, even crazier shitstorm - storms really - is not letting him cope well.

Luke smirks softly, about to retort when his senses are suddenly alerted. They crossed Old Fulton Street, just past Grimaldi’s Pizza and he caught her scent.

“Wait here.” Luke sprints away, around a corner into an alleyway. Izzy and Jace share a quick, surprised look and follow him right away.

They ascend a staircase down a subway station, Jace glancing at Izzy’s necklace, but it’s as quiet as before. They head towards an abandoned rail tunnel and catch Luke as he’s moving some stones and debris from where some kind of brutal impact must have knocked part of the tunnel wall down. “Help me! Someone’s under there!”

Izzy and Jace comply Luke’s command instantly and soon they’re freeing a few limbs, two bodies.

“Raj?!” Izzy stares at the Shadowhunter’s dirt-smeared face.

“Maia! Maia, come on, wake up!” Luke is patting his fellow werewolf leader’s face, desperate to get her conscious again.

Jace is helping Izzy to free the rest of the Shadowhunter’s body, there’s blood on his face, his head, most likely a broken leg, blood on the side of his left hip and scratches on his arms. But he has a pulse and he’s breathing.

They hear a strangled cough and turn to where Luke’s holding the woman who is blinking, fighting for more air in her lungs, seeming in a similar state as Raj, except that he’s still unconscious.

“Careful now, don’t move too much.” Luke’s checking her over as well as he can, glad when he finds she doesn’t have any fatal wounds, and relieved he found them before worse could have happened.

“A demon…” Maia coughs again and Luke’s gently caressing her dirt-covered curly hair back, his eyes meeting her dark-brown ones. She needs another moment to really come to and remember.

“We saw them, Alistair, a huge demon and Max, we were on our way to the hotel, Maryse locked us out, she went on her own…”

Jace and Izzy can’t but stare at her, not sure they can trust their own ears. They saw Max! But what the hell does Maryse have to do with anything?

“Do you know where they went?” Luke asks as he helps her to stand, supporting her waist. “No, he sent the demon after us and we were no match for it, we’re lucky it left us here instead of making sure we were dead.” Maia’s looking at her companion who has still not regained consciousness.

“What did you say about my mother? What do you have to do with Maryse?” Jace can’t keep quiet any longer, something else he didn’t know about went on, involving Maia, Raj and Maryse? And Luke… he must have known. Jace is seriously fed up with surprises.

Maia looks to Luke for guidance and he meets Jace’s strict face. “I’ll explain everything once we’re back at the hotel, Raj needs more help than we can give him here.” Luke can tell Jace wants to argue. “Jace, I promise you, just please help us now.”

Jace gives in reluctantly and carefully lifts Raj up to carry him, glad he reactivated his strength rune earlier, the Shadowhunter isn’t exactly a lightweight. He certainly gained a few more muscles since he last saw him a few months ago.

“Thank you.” Luke looks from Jace to Izzy, grateful for their cooperation and glad he made at least one good call - not that the other thing was up to him entirely.

* * *

“Magnus, there’s something strange with this…” Alec studies the paper he took from Max’s room while they’re standing in front of the monastery. It’s a beautiful landscape, all covered in snow at this time of year, rather afternoon than morning like in New York. The sun is shining, the snow sparkling like crystals atop the stone walls and chapel. The air is crisp and sharp.

“According to this the monastery was built in the 4th century, but the numbers add up to 1215. I’m not sure it’s the right place…” Alec meets Magnus’ gaze, surprised at how confident the other man looks.

“No, Max found the right place, the monastery was built in the 4th century, but this chapel,” he points towards the tower with the pointed rooftop, “was built in 1215, your brother is very smart.” Alec feels relief, shoves the paper into his pocket and keeps his hands inside as well, nodding solemn at the chapel, the cold easily creeping into his body as all he seems to feel these days is cold anyway.

“So you’ve been here before.” They start walking and Alec starts to feel anxious about what’s going to happen, so much out of his control, so many unknown variables, so much self-doubt and guilt eating at him. But he’s trying to push it all away, focus on the task before him, focus on Magnus, don’t let him down.

“Yes, I’ve been to a lot of monasteries in my life trying to find this sense of peace and self people often talk about.”

Alec meets Magnus’ eyes, his own flicking to his lips curled into a soft, woeful smile.

“Did you find it?” His voice breaks into a whisper, their eyes connecting once more.

“Sometimes, but I learned that there isn’t an outward place to find inner peace, I needed to find that place inside myself.”

Alec swallows, feeling parched as if no amount of water could change that, his insides shredded and shriveled, none the wiser as to how to mend Magnus’ pain, how to take his suffering away.

“Anyway, let’s go inside and see what creature awaits us.” Alec blinks, cursing himself for being so completely inadequate as he watches Magnus enter the chapel and follows quickly.

It’s bigger inside than the outside implies, huge stone pillars that bend slightly halfway to the top, meeting in the middle where light floods in a pattern through the roof, adorned with symbols and ornaments. It’s bitter cold and Alec is sure that’s the reason why they haven’t come across any living being. He’s shivering so much he can’t control it anymore, his fingertips and lips starting to feel numb.

Until suddenly there’s a sensation of pure, almost liquid warmth, enveloping his whole body and his taut muscles have no choice but to relax, bathing in blissful heat. Alec could cry as he looks at Magnus, blue sparks still dancing around his hands. Why would he waste his magic like this… he _knows_ but he can’t bare it right now.

“Thank you.” He croaks out and clears his throat, feeling raw in ways he never knew possible.

Magnus nods, wishing he could do more for Alec, hoping they can leave here again very soon. The short reprieves they get now and then aren’t even close to the rest they’d need, but he knows there’s no time, still no time.

He finds the place in the wall and turns back to Alec who followed him. “There’s one more thing I’m going to try.” Before Alec can answer, Magnus’ hands are moving, blue flames dancing.

“What the… Magnus?!” Alec stares wide-eyed at the person before him. They look like… Kyran, the vampire. He glances down at himself, not himself. Roukan then?

“Maybe looking like the siblings will give us an advantage.” Kyran says with Kyran’s voice and it freaks Alec out. But it’s still Magnus! Just magic… he’ll never not be in awe of it.

“Good idea.” Alec startles, able to hear his own voice in his head but it comes out as Roukan’s. How weird, yet he’d be happy if this were the weirdest thing he’s ever experienced.

“Ready, Alexander?” Alec is drawn back to Kyran - no, Magnus, definitely Magnus - and nods, bracing himself, Roukan’s ring digging into the skin of his palm as he holds it tightly.

Alec watches the vampire girl that is Magnus crouch down and take out the demon stone, its glowing red lines moving animatedly and that’s the last he sees.

* * *

There’s nothing but thick darkness, almost liquidized, the kind that swallows everything in its path. His arms are stretched out as he takes careful steps as he’s willing his heart to quieten down, the pounding reverberating in his mind too loudly to make out any other sound - if there is one.

“Alexander?” His voice barely stretches out before it is cut off by the blackness. Magnus tries to stay calm. Alec must be here somewhere, probably experiencing the same thing - which lets him panic a little and snap his fingers to make use of his magic. He looks down into complete darkness, not a single spark of blue showing, not even when he brings his hands before his face. He can feel his magic prickling beneath his skin, yet it’s not visible. _Shit!_

Magnus composes himself and walks further, prepared to bump into Alec at any second, he must be wandering about in the same manner, and he damn hopes he will find him. He keeps calling out but there’s no answer, his own voice barely audible for longer than a split moment.

He can't tell how long he's been moving blind but just when it becomes almost too unnerving his fingers brush something before him. Something hard and smooth. The blackness weaves a space open and Magnus can see, it's a mirror, as dark as the rest of it but he can see himself. Not Kyran, his own face is staring back at him. His skin looks dull, lost its glow. His cat eyes lost their vibrance, is he not wearing his glamour? Does it not work... Is his magic completely useless in here? Wherever here is... There are bags under his eyes, his cheekbones popping out unnaturally. He can't really look this bad, he's not sure when he last looked at himself but this...

His reflection is gone, shiny darkness remains but soon he can see... A boy... About 8 years old, he's sitting on a tree log above a river, his bare feet dangling. He's humming a song he learned from his mother. His mother is calling him, she's smiling as she sees him, hugs him around his head and presses him close, he feels warm and loved. He sees the same face, his mother, crying, wrecked from pain, screaming and weeping.

The next time he sees her she's dead, her lifeless body hanging like the cows in the slaughterhouse he once snuck in to feed his curiosity. Nightmares for weeks, this one lasting decades. Strong hands grab him, pull him to the water, a loud, angry voice is yelling endless curses at him, he's never heard so much hatred in a voice, never in his eight years. The water hits him, crushing his muscles, his bones, filling his lungs, making him want to cough but he can't, all there is is water, cold, foul water, cutting his throat and chest and it's the last thing he feels before...

He's dead, the man - his father - is dead. He killed him. He should've died, he's just a boy, he can't kill a grown man, he doesn't have that kind of power...

He has so much power, so much more than he ever knew, he can make them cower in fear, he can make them regret their hurtful, spiteful words, the kicks and hits he got just for being alive, for having the wrong skin color, for being an orphan, for being more than human, less than human, being different in ways he didn’t understand, without anyone to guide him. He gets abuse for wanting more than the world is willing to give, for loving a girl, for loving a boy, for being confused, for figuring it out, for wanting to be loved like he loves. Head over heels, with his heart, his soul - which existence he often questions. He sees their fear, he feels it, he laps it up, craves it, shows them his real power, they're so scared, they're all screaming, running, weeping as their city burns, the earth shakes, a storm brews, everything in its wake swallowed by his power. He is so very powerful, he could make them all slaves to his every whim.

He feels small, so very small and insignificant, unloved, unwanted, he leaves it all behind. He's not worth it but he wants to be. He fights and grows and learns to love himself and he accepts that no one may love him that way, but he's never stopped looking for it, never stopped yearning. Many love him, many break him, he tries to give less of himself but that's not who he is, how he feels and loves, he gives his all and he loses, locks himself up, no more.

_“Alec.”_ A deep voice, a lopsided smile, sparkling hazel eyes, dark, messy hair. That’s all it takes.

And he’s loved before, given his all, given more than was his to give, and yet, he finds _more,_ he has _more_ to give, more to grow, more to want. Someone to give it to, someone to bare his innermost being to, someone to trust and grow with. Someone who makes him worthy, someone who makes mistakes and learns from them, improving himself every day, wanting to give, though he hasn’t learned how to yet, he learns eagerly, quickly, gives himself, everything he has, everything he is.

And he dies. On the battlefield. Barely 25.

And he dies. On a mission. An ambush. At 35.

And he dies. Of poison. At 55.

And he dies. Of an illness. At 85.

And he dies. A healthy old man. Of old age. At 105.

The dark returns.

* * *

“Magnus?” He says timidly into the darkness, his body gripped with icy fear before his mind catches on. He’s never truly been afraid of the dark until recently. “MAGNUS!” No answer, no sound, nothing but blackness, slipping through his fingers like flowing liquid. He’s numb with terror, willing the voice in his mind to still, to stop telling him about the horrors that will happen at any moment, all those he’s been through, worse. How could it be worse? This isn’t that. This has nothing to do with _that._

He can’t linger, he grabs the ring, holds it out. “Whoever you are, come out and break the spell! I’m here to save you! We’re here to save you! Please!” His voice is gone so suddenly he’s not sure he spoke at all. His steps are heavy as if his body were made of lead. He’s terrified of falling, falling through blackness but he’s forcing each step, his clothes starting to stick to his body, sweat dropping from his brow, collecting on his upper lip which he licks off anxiously, his hands outstretched, his voice growing louder with heightened fright.

He hits something, the darkness fades to reveal a black, shiny mirror. His own eyes are staring back at him. They’re not really his, though. They’re smoldering, amber sparks, red flames. It’s _him._

_“Long time no see, Alec. Miss me?”_ He’s smiling, no, smirking, impishly, viciously, distorting his face, making it crueler.

He stops laughing, like a cut on a film, his eyes black now, boring themselves into Alec’s mind. His father appears in the mirror. The other him stabs him. His mother, Jace, Izzy, Max, his friends, one by one, his movements like a puppet’s, stabbing them all, letting them drop to the ground, the cold, black eyes holding Alec in place, never blinking, not making a sound, his face, hair and clothes splattered with blood. Magnus is last, the smirk returns. More blood. Deep red blood, growing like a red wine stain on a paper towel. All he can see is red and evil glowing eyes.

The dark returns.

* * *

_Come out, come out, wherever you aaaareee. Giggling._

Magnus comes to, his head hurting, filled with cotton, pounding. He’s getting up from the floor with difficulty, shaky on his legs, disorientated. A voice in his mind. A girl? Laughter…

_Come on, let’s play! It’s been so long since I had a visitor!_

Not a girl’s voice this time. More than one? Of what? What is this place…

He gets knocked to the ground by something heavy, strong. He can’t see a thing. It’s still too dark. But there was something, some color… red…

He shakes his head, trying to focus, trying to dispel the thickness that won’t let him think clearly.

_You want to remember? Are you really sure? More laughter._

Yet another voice. Remember! Magnus, you have to remember! He’s willing himself to with every ounce of strength he has left, once again trying to get onto his feet, freezing mid-movement as his eyes take in a shadow, growing, colors appearing. Suddenly he’s facing two orange and red eyes, glowering at him, framed by orange and red fur… a fox’s snout.

_You want to remember? Remember!_

The voice hisses sharply and Magnus feels as if he’s hauled into a current, a hurricane, memories and all he’s seen in the mirror assaulting his mind, making him squall.

He feels as if his mind and body are ripped apart.

Yet through the turmoil one small part of him takes over control. Blue sparks are flying, dark flames growing, surging towards the creature, all of him becoming aware, shouting through the agony, _‘Don’t kill them!’_

The photograph. He lost it! No, it’s in his pocket! He’s fumbling for it, holding back the fatal blow, one moment more… he touches something, paper, smooth in places, he grasps it, leaps towards the fox creature and presses the object against its head as a veil of blue and black covers it from head to toe. The creature is screeching, Magnus is pulling himself back, too much power flowing through him still and he falls back to the ground, hitting his head on the hard stone.

* * *

When he blinks his eyes open he can see rays of light, daylight, coming through the ceiling… pillars of stone, stone walls around him. He sits up slowly, his body shivering from the cold. His eyes fly to the figure on the ground and he scrambles over as quickly as he can gripped by a bout of panic, and he pulls the man into his lap, his cold fingers caressing his face, relief flooding his insides when he opens his eyes. “Magnus, are you alright? Please say something, are you okay?” Alec’s close to tears and he feels as if he’s just woken up from a terrible nightmare, one he can’t but pretend isn’t based on reality. A reality he’s not capable of suffering any longer.

“Alexander? What…” Magnus blinks, his mind blank until he sees Alec’s face, triggering everything to come back. He turns, gripping Alec’s jacket so hard his fingers are close to breaking, his face pressed into Alec to stifle his cries. He feels Alec’s arms tighten around him, his voice in his ears, yet unable to focus on the words.

Alec’s shocked to the bone at the awful state Magnus is in and he feels completely helpless, the weight of their horrendous ordeal hitting him full force. Tears flood his face and there’s nothing he’s able to do but hold onto the man breaking apart in his arms - because of him.

“It’s all my fault... I keep thinking back when that thing... when I was taken... it must have been a demon, what else? I’m a fucking demon hunter, why couldn’t I defeat it? Why couldn’t I fight? I couldn’t even move... was it just fear getting the better of me? Maybe I could have if I hadn’t been too scared? Maybe I could have avoided all of this... everyone’s pain… I’m sorry, Magnus, I’m so endlessly sorry.” Alec’s hardly aware of speaking the words, his mind a jumbled mess.

They’re still sitting huddled on the ground, the cold numbing their bodies, Magnus quietly crying and Alec’s still talking, letting thoughts free he’s too weak to hold in, not caring whether they’re making sense, not caring for much at all if he can’t take away Magnus’ pain.

“I don’t feel confident in myself anymore... even when I used to hate myself, parts of me... I still knew what I could do because I had proof that I could, I trained and improved myself every single day and I had confidence in my body, in my fighting skills, in my archery and my head to function as I needed it to, no matter what was going on inside of me, I could function and I took comfort in that, even when I was seething with self-doubt and anger, I still knew how to trust my head and my body in work and battle, but now... I don’t trust my mind. I feel like someone's hacked off my limbs and left me incapacitated and my head's so messed up, I don’t know how to fix it and I’m scared of letting anything back inside... even your magic and I feel horrible for that, I’m so sorry… It’s like my mind thinks it’s still there and acts as if something’s still messing with it, but it’s probably just me... and there’s so much we have to do, find Max... Oh god, Magnus we have to find him and protect everyone, we have to... who am I if I can’t even protect them anymore? I can’t protect you, but I want nothing more, I would do anything, give my life right this second if only I could…”

He’s sobbing into Magnus’ hair, rocking their bodies until he feels something under his chin. Soft, cold lips. On his chin now, the corner of his mouth and when he opens his eyes Magnus is already watching him, golden eyes blurred with tears that bring fresh ones to Alec’s. His hands come up to cradle Magnus’ face, their foreheads pressing together, Magnus’ arms closing around Alec’s back. And despite the shattering hopelessness, there’s a fragile sense of solace between them, and more words he’s held back for too long are spilling from his lips, before he may never get chance again to say them.

“I want you to open your club again, I want to watch you brew potions and argue with clients, I want you to be the king strutting through your palace with everyone staring at you, I want you to remember your worth, that you deserve the world and more, and I want you to be happy. I want to dance with you again and make every single being jealous because I'm the one allowed to touch you and kiss you and love you and I will never regret a single moment with you, Magnus Bane, earth, heaven and hell fear, admire and worship you and I know I'll never know everything you've lived through, but I know you from the tip of your fingers to the core of your soul and I won't say I couldn't ever love you more because I will, every day I get to spend with you, and those days, no matter how few, will be the best of my life, and I will do whatever it takes to love you the most and best you've ever been loved because you deserve it a thousand times over. And because of you I can finally let myself love freely and openly and know what it's like to be loved by the single most enthralling, strongest and kindest man I've ever known. I love you so much, Magnus, and no matter how much more broken we come out of this, I will still love you, that's the only thing I know.”

Alec’s moving his head, his nose and forehead sliding against Magnus’ skin, his tears falling against Alec’s lips like a rain shower as he tries to kiss them all away.

“Nothing’s your fault, I thought I was majestic and powerful, but I let you down…” Magnus’ voice is feeble and pain-stricken, wrenching Alec’s insides.

“No, Magnus, no. You're the most powerful man I know, and not just because you're magical, but because you care more and greater and your love is bigger and encompasses more than anyone else's and that's despite and also because of all the darkness you've been through, and I know you're hurting so much, more than I can fathom, and I wish I could stop it, and you’re doubting yourself, and you're blaming yourself but I don't, and I never will, I know you will get us out of this and because of that you give me what I need to do the same for you and together we will protect everyone, and keep us from losing ourselves and each other, I know we will no matter how hard it gets. I refuse to think of any other outcome because I can't bare it. I trust you unconditionally and I need you to do the same for me. Trust yourself and trust me, please... I got you and you got me.”

Alec has no idea where these words and beliefs are coming from, but somewhere in this shredded, wounded mess that’s him, there they are, and he trusts them, because he really, purely, eternally trusts Magnus. And he needs Magnus to see that he is right! He needs him to find strength one more time, fight all of this misery one more time. If they have one more chance at a happy life together, then he will do this somehow, but only with Magnus.

Magnus was dangerously close to just giving up, unable to cope with more excruciating truths no part of him can bare. Watching Alec die - knowing it wasn’t real, yet knowing it would inevitably happen, one way or another - he hasn’t known any semblance of anguish comparable to what the mere thought of it makes him feel and he doesn’t care to find out what it will truly be like. He feels as if it’s already done, there’s no more sense in anything and the world can just burn, and please take him with it.

He feels those bitter-cold fingers grazing the back of his head, icy, wet lips lapping up his hot tears, a solid, cold body supporting his own. He feels his life force, his magic pricking his fingertips. He feels two hearts, torn and shattered over and over, beating with vigor. The one voice he never gets tired of hearing emitting slivers of warmth, boring through the walls of hardened surrender, piercing through his desperation, not letting him relinquish hope, no matter how small, not even now.

His mouth finds those icy lips, sliding and pulling gently, warming them, his tears subside, magic is flowing around them, blanketing their bodies as they’re coming to stand in a deep embrace.

A sound penetrates through their haze of warmth, magic and their closeness. Their lips part, their heads turning towards the end of the room where they see another person lying on the ground. They move instantly, shocked they haven’t noticed them before. It’s Kearne, Kyran’s twin. He’s alive, but barely.

“We have to go back right away.” Magnus takes his pulse and Alec nods, hurrying to get the last stone. It’s as if they’re back in the real world and all of that before… seconds ago… it feels already surreal, like another layer underneath or above, too overwhelming to comprehend.

“What was the creature?” Alec never even saw it… he just passed out? Must have… lucky Magnus saved them once again.

“I think it was a Kitsune, a fox creature of Japan origin. Most are rather harmless, but there are darker ones, absorbing power through inflicting pain and tragedy in others by creating illusions.” He wants to ask Alec what he saw, if he was in the same darkness, if he saw… but there’s no time. He takes the artefact from him and opens a portal while Alec lifts the ravenous vampire into his arms. He’s much lighter than he should be, frozen to the bone, hardly breathing. They may have just been in time to save him - if they can.

Instead of stepping through the portal first, Magnus moves to Alec’s side, bringing a hand up to Alec’s cheek, his fingers caressing the slight scruff on Alec’s warmed up skin, their eyes locking, Alec’s brow moving down in an unspoken question.

“We’ll talk soon, but you’re right. I’ve got you.” He presses his lips firmly on Alec’s before forcing his body away, the softness of Alec’s smile heating his inside with vulnerable determination.

* * *

There are fewer people in the foyer now, the mess the demon left gone, most of the wounded healed. Catarina and Ragnor are with two patients, yet Roukan is gone and in his place is - Raj.

Alec’s quick to lay Kearne down beside his sister who is awake now and breaks into sobs when she spots her brother, not heeding Catarina’s warning to stay still. Magnus shares a few words with her and Ragnor quickly before combining their magic for a special healing spell. Alec steps back and watches them in awed exhaustion until he feels arms fling around him, a body colliding with his back.

“Oophh… what…”

“Lo siento, mi hermano, I’m just so happy to see you!” Alec can’t but smile gently and turn to properly wrap Izzy into a hug. Jace and Luke appear behind her and he’s relieved to see them, even though Max’s absence is painfully clear, he doesn’t let it show and pulls both men into a hug instead.

“I’m sorry, they were already gone.” Jace whispers into his ear and Alec feels his sorrow, squeezing him even tighter. “Are you alright?” Alec nods at the question, knowing Jace knows none of them truly are, but they’ll fight on.

“So you found the twin! Is he alright?” Izzy watches the scene concerned and curiously.

“He has a chance now… where did you find Raj? What happened?” Alec doesn’t want to talk about his and Magnus’ ‘adventure’, he’d rather find out what happened here.

“The werewolf can answer that.” Jace crosses his arms, giving Luke an almost disapproving stare.

Alec frowns, watching his parabatai and friend suspiciously.

“Alright, as we don’t have much time, the short version. I’m sorry, Alec, but we all decided it was safer to keep it a secret between the few who knew… Raj, Maia,” Luke nods to where Maia is sitting with Robert immersed in conversation, “and your mother, were assigned by the Silent Brothers to investigate Alistair. Actually it was your mother’s idea, Brother Enoch asked me for advice and we called on Maia and Raj to join Maryse, but when they were close to something, Maryse decided to pursue their lead on her own-”

“And now our dear mother is stuck in the Seelie realm, probably taken prisoner by the Queen.” Izzy finishes for the werewolf leader, unable to hide her sarcasm.

Alec’s been gaping at Luke, now Izzy, his mind reeling with this information he barely has room left for to process. His _mother_ … Izzy hugs him again. “I know it’s way too much to take, I’m so sorry.”

Alec shakes his head and finds his voice again. “No, I mean, yes, but… no… first, Max! Has no one come to collect the stones?”

“We’ve got an hour left.” Jace answers and Alec looks shocked at him.

“An hour? But…” He thought he and Magnus were in that chapel for a damn long time… an illusion…? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. They have an hour left to…

“Kearne!” Everyone’s turning to the vampire girl who is sobbing with happiness as she flings herself over her brother who just regained consciousness thanks to the warlocks’ spell. Magnus heads over to the siblings and Luke.

“He’ll be okay. I heard what you said. What led them to the Seelie realm?” This information raised warning bells within him and he needs to find out as much as he can.

“Maryse kept that from us, she was rather secretive anyway, and she tried to go to the Seelies on her own, but I kept a close eye on her and she finally had to let us come, but she used a magic potion to seal the entrance after she entered and locked us out. I don’t know what she’s been planning, but there must be some connection between the Seelie Queen and Alistair, at least that’s what Maryse believes. She also told us to come find you.” Maia appeared with Robert by her side who walks around to Alec, patting his arm, wanting to make sure he’s alright, relieved to see them back.

“What the hell does any of this mean? And anyway, she made her bed, we have to rescue Max!” Jace jumps in, bobbing up and down with agitated tension.

Alec grabs his bicep, their eyes connecting and Jace exhales deeply, nodding at his brother in silent understanding. They’re all in the same boat and they all have the same goal and they will find a way…

As if on cue they’re all looking to Magnus who is deep in thought and after a minute he pulls out the artefacts from his pocket and hands them to Jace, closing the startled man’s hand over them.

  
“Give them to whoever appears, but not before they give you Max and try to stall them, and only if I don’t make it back in time.” He turns around to meet Alec. “I have to go see the Seelie Queen and your mother, and I have to go alone.”

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still here, thanks buckets for sticking around - I know it's not at all a matter of course! Lots of love x


	44. Between The Devil And The Deep Blue Sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I so wanted to finish one more chapter this year and I managed with a couple hours to spare in my timezone =))
> 
> I would apologize for the mess this is but I figure if you're still here you're as mad as me and accept that this is what it is.
> 
> Happy fucking New Year! May it be less of a mess somehow...
> 
>  
> 
> Enormous fucking thanks and smooches and squishes to my Parabeta for still fucking coping with my shit! Incredible!

Alec’s gaping at Magnus in bewilderment as he turns away from them and walks to Catarina and Ragnor, Raphael quickly joining them. Alec’s brow creases further and he moves after him with quick steps. 

“What do you mean, alone? You’re not going anywhere alone, Magnus! It’s way too dangerous for any of us! Look what just happened!” Alec’s not meaning to shout but he’s filled with anxiety, rage, guilt, and helplessness, and he’s so close to losing his mind, at least he thinks he is.

Magnus finishes whatever he was saying to his friends and turns back to Alec, meeting his worried, enraged stare with - he hopes - calm authority.

“Alexander, this is something I must do and I will be fine, I promise, but I have to leave now-” Magnus wants this to be over with already, hardly feeling up to the task, the nightmare not seeming to end. He turns away but looks back once more, his eyes full of regret and sorrow. “I am sorry.” 

And he is, so much his heart feels like it’s bleeding from dozens of cuts as he takes a last glance at the man he loves too much, and wishes he could take all of that shattering pain from. 

“Magnus, no, just thin-” Alec averted his eyes for not even a second but when he looks to where Magnus stood a moment ago, there’s nothing but air left. 

White-hot panic rushes through Alec so fast he feels nauseous, his hands coming up to his head. His cold, pale fingers gripping his hair as he stares into nothingness, mumbling. “No, no, no, no.” 

“Alec! It’s OK! Magnus can take care of himself, he-” Jace moved quickly, feeling Alec’s erratic discomposure, taking him by his upper arms but Alec’s shaking him off.

“No! You have no idea! You don’t know anything! What he’s going through...” Jace swallows hard, watching with the rest of them as Alec moves aimlessly in half circles, gripping his hair harder, talking to himself.

Izzy, Jace, Robert, and Lydia try to calm him down but all he does is shake them off, repeating in quiet panic, “What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?”

Raphael’s been watching Alec going crazy and the others looking as helpless as newborn kittens, silently brewing inside until he’s ready to boil over. He marches towards the Shadowhunter, pushes Jace out of the way, ignoring the blond’s curses, and grabs Alec’s arm, forcing him to face him, gripping both arms and holding them down so he can’t move them. His eyes flare in anger as he snarls at him.

“Dios mío! Controlat e! Magnus is doing what he must to save all our asses, do you think he’d be happy seeing you lose it like this? Keep it together, Lightwood! There are a hell of a lot of lives at stake here and you going mad will only make it worse! You have to get your shit together for Magnus and Max and everyone you claim to care about! Es una orden, entendido?” 

Alec’s staring into the vampire’s eyes with dilated pupils, a violent tremor passing through him, panic being pushed away, shrinking with his mind becoming clearer again. An order. Keep it together. For Max, Magnus, everyone he cares about. If he loses it now… he can’t. He wants to, he wishes he could, yearning for a blank mind, darkness… but he can’t. Magnus is… fighting, always fighting despite all the tragedies and agony he’s going through - because of Alec. He must at least not be more of a burden to them. He nods, averting his eyes, shame washing over him and he turns away as Raphael releases him, taking a few steps to the wall, leaning against it as he composes himself once more, somehow finding enough strength to repress his inner turmoil. 

Jace can’t but glare at Raphael, even though what he did got through to Alec. The vampire merely giving him a look of pure disdain as he walks off. Jace takes a step towards Alec but Izzy’s gripping his wrist, shaking her head as their eyes meet. “Give him a moment, we need to make a plan.” She nods at Ragnor and Catarina and Jace is torn between the urgency of their situation and doing what he can - if there is anything - to help his parabatai. He exhales, pain sitting in his gut, growing as he nods at his sister and joins the others.

* * *

Alec’s made it over to the staircase, sitting at the bottom on a step, his head hanging low, his body slack with exhaustion, trying his best to think of anything else but vicious amber or red eyes and cruel whispers in the darkness of his mind - though he’d take it if only Max and Magnus return safely.

“Alec?” 

He would usually sink further into himself trying to avoid the people he let down beyond what he could have imagined. But that voice doesn’t belong to any of them… he’s not even sure where to place it and so he’s slowly raising his head and blinks as a pair of dark eyes, for a millisecond reminding him of Magnus’, appear in his sight. 

“Raj…” 

The Shadowhunter nods, glancing away nervously for a moment, not sure why he came to the oldest Lightwood now as he’s clearly in distress. When Raj woke up he was rather disorientated, the shock and fear from encountering that terrifying demon lingering in his body and mind. His wounds were almost healed and he didn’t feel like barging into the group of Shadowhunters and Downworlders seemingly deep in conversation. He was relieved to see Maia with them and when he spotted Alec on the stairs he plucked up courage to approach him, though he feels like it’s the wrong thing to do now.

“Sorry, I just… may I sit?” He may as well try now that he is here. 

Alec’s looking down at the floor, not sure what to make of the situation. Raj is probably the last person he expected to… but then… he’s one of the very few who don’t know all that’s happened, who hasn’t seen his tiny breakdown earlier… who is… far away from all the madness. And he knows about his mother… though whether he can face talking about her he doubts.

Raj is surprised as Alec glances up at him again and nods his consent, noticing that he was holding his breath. They sit quietly.

Until Raj speaks again. “I know this is a bad time, and you’re probably mad at us for keeping this from you, but there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long time, but never got chance, or honestly, didn’t dare to and when you were gone... “ Raj can feel how he’s making a mess of it, having been deprived of emotional connections for most of his life, having lived to serve and fulfill his duty and feelings were never even part of any equation, until… he moves a hand quickly to the back pocket of his pants, takes out his wallet and pulls out a photo, showing it to Alec. 

Alec has no idea what Raj is talking about and he doesn’t really feel like puzzling it out, having no energy left for anything but somehow staying half sane, but the photo surprises and intrigues him. There’s Raj, smiling, which he’s not sure he ever saw him do, not like this; genuine, and there’s another man, dark-skinned, broad-shouldered, with a wavy nose and a kind smile, an arm around Raj’s shoulder as Raj leans against his side. Alec glances at his fellow Shadowhunter, curious to hear what this is about.

“I was like you, well, not really, you were incredibly brave… and you gave me hope, and showed me that it was possible to… be myself, all of myself… though it took me a while to figure it out, but I did and it’s thanks to you, but I never thanked you… I… this is Imari, my boyfriend, his parents are from a town in Nigeria, called Gboko, his name means faithful, loyal, and he really is and I’m sorry I’m talking so much.” 

Alec’s watching Raj, for a moment forgetting everything but what this man is telling him and he feels rather stunned. “No, it’s okay, go on.” He doesn’t even have to think about his answer, aware of Raj’s nervousness, wanting him to know he doesn’t have to be.

Raj nods and glances away. “We met six months ago on a mission, he transferred from Chicago and we actually got to talking because of you, he really wanted to meet you… thank you, too.” He smiles a little, their eyes meeting for a moment, Alec feeling even more stunned than before, not fathoming why anyone would want to thank him.

“You weren’t the first Shadowhunter to be true to themselves and come out, but you know as well as I that those other few aren’t heard of now, most aren’t even alive, or disappeared, who knows. What you did was heroic and insane and a lot of people, Shadowhunters, are very grateful for it, because you gave us a chance to live and love who we love… there are more now, Alec, a lot more, from all places, Imari and I met with some of them, they were all hoping to meet you and Magnus, some time… I know it’s not even on your list of priorities now, but you should know that what you did helped a lot of people, who wouldn’t have dreamt of going against their upbringing and following their hearts.” 

Raj is smiling softly at him now and Alec’s eyes are still big, and he has no idea what to say, how to even let that sink in. It’s not as if he has never heard of others, he even got a couple of letters at some point, but having someone, Raj of all people, here in person, telling him this… won’t sink in, yet.

Raj brings the photo up to his face, a sad expression befalling him. “I just hope he’s alright, I had to leave him behind…” 

Alec knows that kind of heartache all too well, and leans a little closer to the other man. “I’m sure he is.” 

Raj nods slowly and places the photo back in his wallet. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not the same and he, we’re just Shadowhunters, and you and Magnus, well…” 

Alec’s frowning, trying to catch up with Raj’s train of thought, suddenly getting it. “No, Raj, no… don’t even think like that, I for one, don’t give a damn. Shadowhunter or not, he must be a good person to make you love him and that’s all that matters.” 

Raj is the one staring at Alec in astonishment now, a smile forming and spreading over his whole face. “Yes, he is a good person, one of the best I know, and on our side.” 

Alec smiles weakly. “Good.” He turns his head forward, bringing his hands up to rub his eyes. They’re aching, everything is always aching and he got used to it. Except the seething pain inside, letting him know that his loved ones are in peril, that he’s useless and helpless and missing them terribly. 

Raj watches him concerned, trying to decide whether he should leave him be or… 

“About your mother-” 

Alec’s head comes up speedily, shaking in dissent. “Not now, Raj.” He can’t have that kind of talk right now.

“I’m sorry.” Raj nods and gets up to leave him be.

Alec sighs and buries his face in his cold hands, he wants to sleep, for days, weeks… forever… he hardly cares but there’s no way he’s going to. He gets up eventually to head to the kitchen to get some water. He should eat but how could he? Barely half an hour until Alistair’s deadline. Until they must get Max back, until worse might happen… and Magnus? He’s with the Seelies, his mother? Is he trying to save her? Is he trying to get killed? The glass shatters in his hand, shards piercing his skin and he welcomes the pain and the blood, cursing his mind for torturing him like this. Magnus is doing what he must. And he will come back to him, he always does. He must. He’s lost without him, they’re lost without the other, for better or for worse, that’s their irrevocable truth.

* * *

One calculated blow with a blazing blue fireball, combined with a minor spell, and the ward on the entrance of the Seelie realm is broken. Magnus has no time, no patience for hindrances and delays. Leaving them, leaving Alec like that, took even more out of him, and he feels perilously stretched thin. To mask his weak and wounded state, he focuses on anger, blood red rage. He’s striding towards the snowy forest, straight towards the tree that is her castle, her tower, it looks magical, ice blue, crystal-like, sparkling, out of a dream, but he’s seen it many times before and he has no admiration left. He will tear her throne down if he must, if she really wants him to. 

Seelie knights are rushing at him, demanding him to wait, to state his business, to leave. He has no answers for them, his hands moving, dodging their arrows, their swords, their magic that is no match to his menace. He doesn’t kill them, he doesn’t want to, not if he doesn’t have to, he wants her, her secrets, her truth and he’s prepared to do anything -  _ really anything? _ \- to get it out of her.

The moment he enters the throne room he’s faced with a few dozen Seelie knights, all their weapons trained on him, their pretty faces stoic and resolute, their armor made of the rarest, finest materials, shining so bright it could blind lesser beings. 

Magnus reigns his magic in, little flames playing around his fingers. His golden eyes are fixed on a spot behind the knights. He can’t see her, but he knows she’s here, that she can see and hear him.

“I have no strife with your people, I’m here for you, come out and talk!” 

He’s giving her more than enough time to answer him and when there is none, his jaw tightens, his eyes narrow, a storm brewing in them and as the knights charge towards him, his arms move faster than most eyes could see, one swift movement from side to side, the knights falling like dominoes, staying motionless on the ground. 

He steps over them without touching them, without looking down. He has reached the throne now, looking up at the silver tree, a crystal-like staircase leading up to it. “I told you my business is with you! However, if you don’t show yourself, I will show you my real power and destroy this tree, and your whole realm if that’s what you’ll have me do!” His eyes are flaring, gold and black splotches whirling, his hands brimming with magic, his skin electrified. 

There’s movement in the corner of his eye and his head shoots to his right. He dodges enchanted spears and magic attacks, flying arrows and tree branches attacking him, but not even touching him as he moves like a warrior, a master of battle, an escape artist, a mythical being, a creature of unspeakable skill and power. 

Beneath his feet the ice is moving, silently and speedily, roots of a tree piercing through the ground, springing upwards, gripping the intruder’s feet, spiralling around his legs like a vice, making him immobile, gripping his arms, trapping them around his waist. 

Magnus is captured, Seelie knights at his sides and behind him. He doesn’t struggle, his eyes trained on the same spot as before, no longer empty. 

The first twenty or thirty times he saw her, her ethereal daintiness and grace struck him, planting a spark of desire in his heart, a spark that could become dangerous obsession if one wasn’t able to control it. 

And even now, he can feel a trace of it as she ascends the stairs. Her dark-brown curly hair at ankle-length trailing behind like a veil, her skin shimmering golden-brown, her dress an icy blue, her eyes one moment dark as the night, stars glowing within, another moment white as the snow, or green as the forest, blue as the sky. She’s truly a being from another world, one that many would fall on their knees for, lay down their lives for, give up their sanity.

But Magnus can see how her face has grown haggard, the dark circles under her eyes, the haunted expression, the slightly precarious way in her movements. He knows she’s afraid, he knows she’s in too deep with a power she can’t control, can’t flee from. He knows how she feels as if he felt it himself, because he has. 

“You should not have come.. I told you to never come back here.” Her voice is oddly hollow, void of its vibrant, tantalizing charm. He detects a faintness of anger, of rancor, and of despair.

“I had to, and you know why. I will forget your threat on my life, and conniving with a madman, just tell me the truth. Tell me what I need to know, please.” He had not expected to ask her, to feel something close to pity, an alikeness he would like to ignore, but can’t. 

She’s holding his gaze, their eyes worlds of timeless knowledge only immortals share. He is sure of her. 

She turns away from him, her long dark hair falling around her body like waves of silk. She stops, one foot on the step, glances behind her at him. “Leave.” 

One word, spoken with genuine care instead of a threat. It strikes Magnus with a force unexpected to him, igniting a quake of overwhelming feelings within him, all of which are dire.

“Don’t you dare walk away from me!” She’s ignoring him and he’s about to fulminate.

“Maëlys!” His voice is booming through the hall, the top of the tree, out into the wind like a perilous echo, promising calamity.

Her body jerks, trembles as she turns around, no longer composed, fear and disbelief in her eyes. It’s been such a long, long time since anyone’s spoken her name, and never this viciously.

She didn’t know he knew, should have expected it, hindered him from ever finding out, from finding her. There’s only one choice left, her face hardening, her eyes growing cold.

“Kill him.” 

The roots move instantly, climbing upwards while tightening around him, trapping all of him underneath their lethal force. He can feel a blade piercing through his side, through skin, flesh and bone with the sting of mortal agony. 

He doesn’t care to be afraid, or worried. He doesn’t have time to. There’s an all-encompassing calmness inside of him, a mighty pride, a sureness of being, of transcendence. 

The prison of roots bursts from within in an explosion of blue and obsidian electricity, the knights being hauled off their feet with the force, crashing to the ground where they lie unconscious, the ground is breaking, seething with blue fires, spreading and destroying their path. His magic is healing the wound he has no time for as he moves fast like lightning, barring her way, his hand hovering over her throat, ice-blue energy spilling from it, closing around her neck, her eyes dark and frightened, his eyes hazardous and irremissible.

She can hear his voice in her mind.  _ I warned you! Now I’ll take what I want, I’ll have your memories. _

“No!  _ No, please! _ ” It’s too late, she can feel his magic, his power in her mind, pouring in, taking control, there’s nothing she can do.

Magnus isn’t rifling through her mind blindly, he knows exactly what he’s looking for and has the skill, like no other, to find it in the blink of an eye. Her memories of Alistair, and what he sees leaves him shook, realization dawning.  _ You should have known, how could you not know? _

“Mama! Leave her alone!” Magnus flinches, releasing her, his eyes staring at the boy who appeared, rushing towards his mother who has sunken to the ground, barely able to hold her body upright, looking worn, suffering. 

The boy, looking so much like her, curly brown hair framing his slightly lighter face to his shoulders, dark eyes wide with fear staring back at the warlock, the creature who threatened his life once and came to hurt his mother. If she dies he wants to die, too.

Magnus takes a sudden shaky step backwards, and another, his magic disappearing, smoke and dust cloaking the air. 

He finally gets it, finally understands. He has to go back, thoughts of the others, of Max unveiling themselves, he had almost forgotten why he came, why he was doing this, he was so lost in his power. 

“Maryse Lightwood. Where is she?” He almost forgot.

“Downstairs- Magnus!” 

Magnus turned swiftly, wanting to make a quick exit, his skin prickling uneasily but he has to look back. 

“Please, I’m begging you, don’t tell him. He will destroy me, everything…  _ him.” _

Magnus’ eyes flit to the boy involuntarily, his insides contracting painfully. He leaves without a word, the image of the two of them burned into his mind, not able to decide anything, not knowing what he will do.

He finds Maryse in an underground chamber, the remaining knights letting him pass, shrinking at sight. He breaks the lock and flings the door open, her face resembling the shock she must feel seeing him of all people. 

“Magnus?” 

“There’s no time, come now.” He turns and walks back the corridor he came from, her steps quickly following. 

“Magnus, there’s something you need to know, everyone needs-”

“I know.” Their eyes lock for a brief, intense moment, leaving nothing but silence.

* * *

“There you are.” 

Alec startles, having been lost in the sight of blood that turned into fire, into destruction. His head shoots around to the person approaching him without his notice. Tension leaves him as he sees his sister’s kind eyes, her expression falling for just a moment as she spots his bleeding hand. She takes a cloth, wets it and takes his hand into hers, cleaning it wordlessly.

She’s focused on her task and Alec’s regarding her face closely. All this time he feels he hasn’t paid enough attention to her, to how she’s been, how she’s coping. She’s been his constant, unwavering pillar of strength, but more so in the background, which is his fault, he knows. He can see how much these weeks have taken their toll on her now, months even… when he wasn’t there to look out for her, and she kept everyone together somehow, did her best as always, no doubt. 

She’s always been their rock, their glue, working her ass off training, studying, becoming the best forensic expert, the best Shadowhunter she could be, the best sister and friend and diplomat. Despite their upbringing, she thirsted for more, more knowledge, more different opinions, more awareness of the world and other people, Downworlders, mundanes - she tried to form her own opinions and fight prejudices and stuck up for what she believed was right, and he has no doubt she will continue to do so for a very long time. 

Most of all, he wants her to be happy, be it with Simon, or someone else, or on her own. He never wants her to be defined by anyone else, she’s too bright and strong and kind to ever be diminished again. She shouldn’t be running around, worrying and hurting for the people she loves. She should be working and flourishing while making the world a better place. And he knows he should have fought harder for her, despite his own struggles, despite his need to be the perfect son and soldier, he should have put her first. 

How has everything gone so wrong? How is there nothing but a sea of shards without color, without binding, without hope?

He blinks, her hand suddenly on his cheek, her thumb caressing over wetness he just became aware of. He turns his head, wipes his eyes and scrubs his face before he can look at her again. There’s no pity, just care and love and he wishes he could break down, cling to her and let her make everything okay. 

“What’s the plan?” He knows she would comfort him, make it better, but he can’t be so selfish anymore, he has to take care of himself, which means avoiding to even think just now.

He can see comprehension in her eyes, her focus shifting to what it is he wants from her. “Ragnor duplicated the stones by magic, everyone thinks Alistair won’t know they’re fake until he attempts the ritual. It’s also unlikely he’ll show up here himself, he’ll probably send some demon to get them, hopefully with Max, we won’t trade them until he’s out of danger.” 

Alec nods, trying to think it all through, but his mind isn’t what it used to be and he can only trust in his friends and family to work it out. He knows he’s no help right now.

“Magnus…?” 

She shakes her head slowly. “I’m sure he’ll be here soon.” 

Alec nods again vaguely, his lips pursed, his jaw tense. He’s forcing his body to stretch, straightens his neck, his muscles knotted, his bones aching, taking a deep breath. By now it feels like one hour at a time instead of one day. 

They head back to the others in quiet understanding, their stomachs antsy, their hearts thudding anxiously.

Alec’s eyes take in his friends, Luke and Jocelyn in conversation with Catarina and Ragnor who are still looking worse for wear from all the magic they’ve been using, Clary, Raj, Simon and Jace talking, Jace holding a bag with the stones in one hand, his stele in the other, whirling it around like a ferris wheel, Raphael standing a little offsite, his face a somber mask, his father’s leaning against the wall, looking worn and pale, Maia and Lydia are talking, their heads closely together, their hands brushing before they share a hug and Alec’s just a little surprised, he didn’t know they knew each other so well-

A howl filled with weeping grief echoes through the hotel, through their bones, as everyone’s startling, staring at the staircase leading up. But they seem to know why, unlike Alec.

“Alaric went to tell Roukan about his brother. He waited for him to wake up.” Izzy supplies, her eyes filled with sadness, and Alec feels more shocked than he should because he did know that one twin wouldn’t return and that someone would have to tell his brother… but he also just didn’t think… and if it were Max, how would they… he mustn’t try to imagine that kind of wrenching, squelching agony… that they felt when he vanished…?

Three loud knocks against the hotel door sound, making them fall silent instantly, wiping any other thought away, making his heart stop and his skin crawl.

The door swings open, a man walks in, and a- 

“Max!” Everyone’s rushing forward just to freeze as the man, not really a man, a demon, holds out a hand, fire coiling, spitting from it, his other hand gripping the boy’s shoulder tightly.

“Give me the stones.” 

Alec’s and Jace’s eyes meet, a silent conversation within a second.

Jace steps forward, showing him the small bag with the stones inside. “Let the boy go and you can have them.”

Alec’s staring at Max, trying to catch his eye, but his brother is oddly quiet, doesn’t look at him or anyone, and Alec’s becoming scared of what they might have done to him. A sudden thought lets him speak. 

“Max, where’s the Chairman?” 

The boy’s eyes move towards him now, but he looks confused. “I don’t know.” He finally answers, and Alec’s puzzled, the ominous feeling growing. Jace is looking from the demon to Alec to Max, sensing Alec’s confusion and coming to the same conclusion.

“This isn’t our brother.” He steps back, his eyes spitting fury, his hand with the stones lowering.

The demon cocks his head and regards them for a moment, then he lets go of the boy and they gasp as he crumbles into ashes. 

“Give me the stones or you won’t see him again alive.” 

“That wasn’t the deal, you’re not getting them before we have our brother!” Jace is enraged, his free hand on the hilt of his seraph blade and Alec’s mind is on overdrive. 

There are sounds all around him, there are more eyes watching them, not just the one demon. It wouldn’t come alone, they are probably surrounded, he’s not sure how he knows, he can feel it, in his mind, and he’s terrified, images of them all being slaughtered torturing his mind. They could be dead already. He doesn’t know why they’re not.

He moved without noticing himself, standing next to Jace now, and his hand shoots out, snatches the bag from him and he dashes towards the demon. “Take me to my brother, please!” 

He can hear shouting, yelling, footsteps running but the demon smirks, touches his arm and they disappear in smoke.

* * *

When Magnus steps through the portal, tension and unrest so thick he could slice through hit him instantly, his eyes taking a mere second to take in the absence of Alec and Max. 

“Magnus! Alec’s gone with the demon and the fake stones, our plan didn’t work and Jace wants to track him through their bond!” Izzy came storming towards him and he only needs a moment to understand, he rushes towards Jace.

Izzy is merely granting a glance at her mother as she hurries after him, Maryse following. 

“Jace!” Magnus is by his side, gripping his arm and their eyes lock. “Magnus! What’s the surest way to track him?” Jace is so relieved to see him, now confident they’ll get Alec and Max back alive.

Magnus doesn’t have to ponder. “If I use your bond.” 

Jace nods and pulls up his shirt. 

“It’s going to hurt like hell.” Magnus warns him.

“Just do it.” Magnus never expected a different answer, pushing apologies away, knowing Jace would die for Alec in a heartbeat and take any amount of pain. Magnus still wishes there’d be another way, but none else is as efficient and they don’t have any time to spare. 

His magic sparks alive and surges right into Jace’s parabatai rune, making him tremble as he screams. 

Simon and Luke are right there, holding Jace up as the tracking is done. It took mere moments as their bond and Magnus’ magic created a unique but violent connection, leaving the Shadowhunter nearly incapacitated.

“Magnus…” Jace emits a whisper, his eyes barely open, sweat dripping from his forehead and eyebrows. 

“Shhh, you rest now, I’ll take care of the rest.” Magnus caresses his cheek for a moment then heads to Ragnor, demanding the real stones. Ragnor is anything but happy about the events, about Magnus’ plan, but he knows it’s futile to argue with him now. 

“Magnus, where are my sons? What are you planning?” Maryse can’t but get in his way, shaking off Robert’s arm who was relieved to see her alive and well, but wishing she would hold back for once. He learned to trust in these people and if he trusts anyone with his children’s lives it’s Magnus. 

Magnus holds up one finger towards her, not slowing down, not bothering to answer her right now. He has to get to Alec and Max now, no doubt Alec will feel almost as bad as Jace and he can’t risk losing another second. His portal comes to life and closes behind him before anyone else could attempt to pass.

* * *

Max is huddled in a corner, freezing as this room he’s been kept in doesn’t have heating. There are huge pipes on either side, dim, green lights, and he can hear water rushing next to and beneath him. 

The Chairman is hidden underneath his sweater and jacket so to not let anyone know he’s here. He saw what happened to Church and he keeps thinking that surely someone was there to help him, heal him. And surely someone will come for him. He tried to get out, but there’s no way, the pipes might be old but they’re immovable, as is the only door leading in and out. And outside there’s that madman and demons. He doesn’t have a choice but to wait, taking comfort not being alone but his trusted friend. He got hurt earlier, fighting the demon which was futile, but he had to try. He lost his stele and his leg is hurting and he can barely move it, but he knows it’ll heal if he gets out of here. 

Muffled sounds draw his attention to the door, something is happening but he’s too far away to hear properly. He carefully crawls forward, one hand over the Chairman to keep him safe. He struggles to stand but manages, keeping his weight off his wounded leg, peering through the keylock. 

He gasps as he sees his big brother, surrounded by a couple demons and Alistair. He seems to give him something, the stones? He can’t give him the stones! But he can’t see properly and suddenly Alec’s dragged towards him, the door, and he only just manages to half jump away before it gets pulled open and Alec’s hauled inside, the door locking behind him. 

“Alec! Are you hurt?” Max quickly gets on the floor next to him, ignoring the pain in his leg and is relieved when Alec moves up and hugs him tightly.

“Max! Are you okay?” Alec gently pulls away again to look him over. 

“Yeah, my leg hurts but I’m alright, and so’s the Chairman.” On cue the cat’s head is showing through the collar of his sweater, softly meowing, and Alec can’t but smile, gently stroking his head. 

“You’re both very brave.” His eyes flit about checking the room. 

How the hell do they get out of here? He doesn’t have his stele, or his bow, he’s not sure where it is, he’s been paying less and less attention to things he should have, but he can’t undo it now, and maybe coming here on his own was wrong again, too, but it’s done now and Alistair thinks he has the stones… and he said he’d let them go… as if on cue the Chairman’s head disappears and the door opens. 

Alec gets on his knees. “Hop on.” He quickly whispers to Max who carefully slips his arms around Alec’s neck from behind and lets Alec carry him on his back. Alec holds Max’s legs firmly but cautiously and leaves the room, but again, something seems wrong.

“You said you’d let us leave.” Alec’s standing his ground, strong and unwavering, for Max and the Chairman, to get them away safely. 

Alistair’s staring at him with cold grey eyes, his face an impenetrable mask, making Alec shudder with memories he’d rather forget. “And I would have if you hadn’t betrayed me, those stones weren’t real and you made me very angry, Alec. I thought you would know better, sadly you’ve lost that gamble and your brother will pay for it with his life.” 

Alec’s sick with fear now, stepping away from Alistair, the demons that are coming closer. He’s eyeing the door that leads outside and is probably their only way to escape.

Just when he wants to make a run for it, he’s stabbed by excruciating pain, falling onto his knees, shaking, losing Max as he moans in pain, clutching at his side, sweat running over his burning skin. Max is yelling in fear for his brother, not understanding what’s happening to him. 

Alistair’s startled, not understanding, either, holding the demons back, the cup in his hand, fearing something else might be happening he hasn’t anticipated, calling out to another creature.

The door and half the wall gets blasted to pieces and Magnus strides through, eyes blazing, blue flames dancing around his body, his arms and hands pushing forward, killing the demons rushing towards him instantly. Enough time for Alistair to draw his blade and pierce Alec’s neck lightly. 

“Don’t come any closer, warlock, or your lover’s joining my demons.” 

Magnus stops, glaring dangerously at the man he wants to slice into pieces, crush, and burn. “Let them go! I have what you want!”

Two things are happening almost simultaneously. A portal opens behind Magnus and the wall behind Alistair bursts, a huge demon, with flaming eyes, horns and a body made of fire coming through. Alistair sneers, looking viciously victorious even as Ragnor, Maryse, Robert, Isabelle, and Simon join Magnus. 

Alistair moves the cup once and the demon grabs Max, pulling him off Alec as he screams, Alec yelling pain-stricken for them to let Max go as he’s still fighting through the anguish to stay conscious. 

Magnus is actually shaking, the stones boring into his hand. He could have taken on Alistair without a question, and a hundred of his minions… but this kind of demon… not now that Max and Alec are a breadth away from being killed. 

“Let them go, I have what you want right here, I swear they’re the real stones.” Magnus moves forward, but Maryse is suddenly there, grabbing his arm, looking enraged. 

“Are you out of your mind? You can’t give them to him!” She looks to Alistair, taking things into her own hands. “Alistair, the Quee-” 

Magnus feels as if he’s stuck in a time lapse. There’s Max shouting and fighting the demon’s grip, Alec about to be beheaded if they make one wrong move, the Queen and her son, the utter terror and desperation in her eyes. And he thought he would do it, but now, witnessing how easy it is for Alistair to threaten a child’s life, to kill a boy - and he knows he will make the demon do it, would do it himself - he understands more than ever. He gets it and he hates it and he wants to give away that knowledge, that kind of shattering responsibility. He wants to be freed of it and cower away, to be free of all of this madness. He can’t hide, he can’t run. So he does the only other thing he can do to save their lives, knowing full well he may lead everyone into disaster.

His hand moves swiftly, his magic silencing Maryse, paralyzing her temporarily. He throws the stones to Alistair who catches them and, to his surprise, throws them into the cup. Fire - hellfire - surges upwards and when it’s gone and Alistair looks into the cup, he smiles. “I suppose I could be lenient one more time because you just made me the most powerful man to ever exist.” He glances at the demon that drops Max, takes Alistair into his fiery claw instead and they disappear in a wall of fire. 

Magnus races towards Alec’s side, pulling him gently into his lap, his hands shaking as they touch his face, almost not daring to but he quickly snaps his fingers and starts to heal the cut, knowing the rest will need more care. He watches Robert and Izzy tending to Max, the Chairman escaping finally, anxiously running about until Simon catches and calms him. 

Maryse watches the scene before her in shock, unable to fathom what just happened, what Magnus did. “How could you? How could you do that?” She’s so shaken, she can’t even fully feel the disdain and outrage, she feels almost numb.

Magnus glances at her, wishing he could silence her for good in this moment. “I did what I had to-”   


“What you had to?!  _ Had _ to? You doomed us all and you could have prevented this!” She’s shaking with anger and disbelief. 

“You don’t know that! He may not have cared, he may have-”

“Excuses! Nothing but pitiful excuses! You had leverage! Why on earth didn’t you use it?!” 

Magnus averts his eyes, catching Alec’s confused, pained ones. “Magnus?” His voice is barely a whisper and Magnus feels like imploding from torment, guilt and defenselessness.

“What is she talking about?” Izzy asks while examining Max’s leg.

“Yes, tell them! Tell them for who exactly you forfeit all our lives!” Maryse’s words strike him so hard he can’t breathe, closing his eyes as he tries to work through the sickness in his gut. 

Maryse watches him with an icy, spiteful expression. “The Seelie Queen has a son not many know of, and Alistair doesn’t know he’s the father. She wanted to kill Magnus so he wouldn’t get chance to find out. Pity she didn’t know he’d sell us all out before giving up her little dirty secret.” 

Magnus feels as if he’s being impaled, the breath he needs to take like knives in his lungs. He needn’t see all their struck faces to know how shocked they must feel. He winces as cold fingers touch his chin, gently lifting his head. “Magnus…?” He can’t see Alec’s face through the liquid pooling in his eyes, and he knows there’s no reason good enough, no apology valid. 

“He would have killed her… taken him…” As the tears drop from his eyes, he can see Alec’s face clearer, showing so much compassion and love Magnus falls against him, completely overwhelmed with torrents of extreme emotions, clinging to the person he needs most on his side, or his world would already crumble irreparably.

Robert hoists a crying Max into his arms, demanding his wife come back with them now, and to his surprise she agrees after watching her eldest son and the warlock unbelievingly. 

Everyone leaves quietly, except Ragnor who waits in the shadows, watching the ruin around them, watching fresh snow fall in the early morning hour, wondering if today will be their last.


	45. And The Story Goes On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost two months after the last update... wasn't planned obviously... this year is bad news after bad news and I've been in a deep slump mostly... but hopefully it will pick up soon... 
> 
> Hope everyone here is well, thanks for those who let me know they're reading and enjoying, if you wanna drop me a line I'd be happy.
> 
> Hugest forever thanks to my amazing parabeta, without her none of this would happen. Also big fat thanks to my friend, Yu, who also helps me to keep going. 
> 
> Hope the next update won't take as long, I really wanna finish the story this year *ha ha*

“Alec? Love, let’s get you back.” Magnus’ tears have dried, leaving sticky stains on his face, his skin feeling splotchy and sore, his throat dry and raw.

He can suddenly feel how cold Alec is, they’ve been lingering for much too long as he succumbed to despondency. He needs to get him back to Jace immediately. 

Ragnor’s opening a portal as Magnus hoists a shivering, barely conscious Alec into his arms. 

As Magnus meets Ragnor’s eyes for a second before stepping through, he’s surprised to see sympathy instead of resentment or shock, but he doesn’t have time to ponder his friend’s thoughts right now.

* * *

Catarina’s directing them to the room where she made Jace lie down and drink a potion to help him heal. She hands Magnus one for Alec as he lies him down gently next to his Parabatai before she leaves them.

“Alec?” Jace is somehow still conscious, no doubt fighting with his last strength until he knows Alec’s safe. 

Magnus’ lips twitch into a tiny smile although his heart rips a little more. “He’ll be fine, you’ll both be.” 

He holds Alec’s head carefully as he helps him drink, then Jace puts an arm around him and pulls him close while Magnus quickly rids him of his boots and covers them both with a thick blanket. He snaps his magic to life and makes sure they’ll be warm and won’t feel any pain.

“Rest now.”

Jace nods meekly and closes his eyes, his forehead pressed to Alec’s and Magnus has to swallow sharply as fresh tears burn and threaten to overspill.

He quickly leaves and takes a shaky breath, pressing his eyes shut as he closes the door behind him. 

He feels like the weakest, most insignificant creature to ever exist and the desire to just disappear and hide is immeasurable. 

He gives himself exactly three minutes to wash up and throttle the craving to cry again before he looks for the others which he knows is inevitable. He finds most of them in the kitchen area.

“Magnus!” He startles a little as Clary’s arms come flying around his neck, her red hair in his nose and he wishes he could let himself sink into the comfort of his friend but his body stays stiff, a hand awkwardly patting her back for a moment before she pulls back and watches him worriedly. 

He averts his eyes, meeting Lydia’s, Maia’s, and Raj’s concerned faces. Maryse is in the back, leaning against the wall, wearing a stony expression that grows colder as he meets her eyes for a split second before dropping his gaze. Usually he would reprimand himself but right now he doesn’t have the energy. There’s Izzy, Luke, Jocelyn and Simon, Raphael, Catarina and Ragnor, no Robert or Max. 

“Max’s leg will be fine soon thanks to Cat, Robert and the cats are with him.” 

Clary’s become almost too good at reading him, he forces himself to show a small grateful nod before he steps further into the room and sits down at the table. 

He knows they’re all watching him, knowing what he did, probably asking themselves why he chose two people’s lives over theirs, over everyone’s. And if he had to make the choice again, would he decide differently? He can’t tell. He feels almost nothing now and he prefers that to most things he’s been feeling recently.

He blinks, suddenly having a plate with bread, cheese and fruit in front of him and as he looks to his right, Izzy’s smiling gently at him, putting her hand over his. “Eat something, you have to recharge, too.” 

Before he can answer Maryse’s sharp voice cuts through Izzy’s words of comfort. “Are you all out of your mind now? Let’s eat and drink and why not throw a party and celebrate the end of the world?” 

“Shut up,  _ mother!  _ Without Magnus you’d not even be here and I would have left you right there to rot!” 

Isabelle’s eyes are ablaze with rage as she stands abruptly and glares at her mother, her body shaking with overpowering emotions. Simon steps to her side, carefully putting a hand on her shoulder, making her calm down a fraction.

“None of this matters right now, we have to stay calm and in control.” Luke steps forward, looking from Maryse to Isabelle emphatically.

“Luke’s right, keeping focus and our wits is more important than ever right now. Let’s figure out what we have to deal with first and make a plan of action second.” Lydia backs Luke who nods at her thankfully. 

“I just can’t believe you people! What’s there to figure out? Alistair’s got the means to destroy  _ everything _ , and that’s not a metaphor for something, it literally means he can destroy our whole world now, thanks to  _ him!” _

“That’s enough now. Magnus did what he thought was right and all’s not lost.” 

Catarina steps forward, shielding Magnus from Maryse’s wrath. “He can’t just use the artefacts and control a prince of hell as he pleases, he has to get access to their realm first and perform a ritual, only then will he succeed  _ if  _ it actually works. As far as recorded history goes, there’s no evidence to go by, which means there’s a chance it won’t work at all, and even if it does, we can still find and stop him before he has chance to finish the ritual.”

Maryse looks slightly taken aback, not having previously been privy to that information. 

“So, we have to figure out where he will go to perform this ritual, attack him full force and get those artefacts back. Is there a way to destroy them?” Maia inquires.

“We don’t know but it doesn’t seem that way, or the princes wouldn’t have gone to all that trouble to hide them, they would have destroyed them right away.” Ragnor supplies, glancing at Magnus who pointedly looks down at the table, his fingers trembling almost imperceptibly.

“But you do know where the entrance of their demon realm is, don’t you?” Raj asks Ragnor who looks down disappointedly, shaking his head slightly. 

“Unfortunately no, when it was sealed that knowledge was lost, and there wasn’t going to be any need for it…” 

Maryse snorts. “Never say never.” 

Simon quickly takes Izzy’s hand, squeezing it, shaking his head lightly when she meets his eyes. She sighs with frustration but nods, knowing getting into a fight with her mother is a waste of energy she doesn’t have endless amounts of. 

“But we must be able to track him down somehow, the packs are looking everywhere, he can’t just vanish into thin air, and how does he know where to go to access the realm?” Maia looks from Ragnor to Catarina, dismissing Magnus for now who seems lost in his own world.

“We don’t know that he does, but he must have a clue, or maybe the artefacts will lead him there.” Catarina replies and glares at Maryse who throws her hands up with an exasperated ‘Wonderful!’

“Tell me again why my assumption that we’re all doomed was so wrong?” 

Izzy pulls her hand from Simon’s, furiously walking towards Maryse. “I swear if you don’t keep quiet right now I’m going to shut you up myself!” 

Magnus is rapt in himself. He’s aware of raised voices, people moving and shouting, but it doesn’t mean much to him. He feels as if he’s floating, in water or air, unaware of the chair he’s sitting on or the table under his hands. 

He feels as if he’s losing his grasp on reality, whispers wafting through his mind, calling him. 

His eyes drop close for a mere second and he startles, gripping onto the table, his heart racing in his chest. 

“Magnus? Are you okay?” Jocelyn’s by his side, an arm around him, her gaze worried as he turns to face her.

“Y… no. I’m going to lie down.” He doesn’t know how long he’s been awake, days at least without proper rest, and he feels as if he’s going to falter and pass out if he keeps himself awake for much longer.

Jocelyn’s putting an arm around his waist, unwilling to let him go on his own, and she’s not needed here while the others are working on reconciling Maryse’s and Isabelle’s argument. 

She takes him upstairs to the room Alec and he occupied before and stays with him, gently caressing his hair.

“Are you not mad at me?” 

She’s rather surprised at the question sounding so vulnerable she’s hurting for him.

“No, Magnus. Despite every reason, I would have begged you to do the same for me and my child and I don’t think I could have risked anyone else’s child’s life like this, either, now sleep.” 

She leans down, kisses his forehead and sits back again, staying until he’s fast asleep.

* * *

Alec wakes up to soft breathing close to his face and fingers caressing the side of his head. His eyelids flutter open and he blinks confusedly until his eyes focus on blue and brown eyes and his lips pull into a tiny smile. “Hey.”

“Hey, sleepyhead. Feeling better?” Jace knows he is because he can feel it and he’s tremendously relieved. 

Alec nods vaguely and licks his dry lips. “Yeah… we’re okay.” 

“Yeah… I’m sorry for tracking you like that we just didn’t think we had a choice.” 

“It’s okay, Magnus came just right. He would’ve killed Max, me too probably… what… he got away… shit.” 

“Alec, it’s okay. We’ll find him.” Jace cups Alec’s cheek and caresses him soothingly. 

“No… he got the stones, the real ones… we’re all-” Alec’s about to get up but Jace keeps him grounded, his arm over Alec’s chest.

“I’m sure we’ll be okay.”

Alec frowns a little. Jace seems so… relaxed, it seems fairly odd given the circumstances.

“Do you know something I don’t?” 

Jace shakes his head slowly and sighs softly. “I've been thinking more about our bond and dying lately. And maybe it's not as bad as we fear it is, losing a part of our soul. When I die you'll still have me, as long as you love me and remember me, I'll live on inside you. And I think... you’ll be okay.” 

Alec’s eyes grow wide. “Jace, why do you think you'll die before me?”

He shrugs. “I don't know, just a feeling, and I want to.”

Alec shakes his head. “No, just... maybe we will all die today and maybe it's okay because we'll all be together.”

“No, we won't, not today. I got a feeling.”

Alec frowns even more, not sure what to make of his Parabatai’s words.

“But in order to face the day we gotta shower and you need to shave.” Jace smirks gently and Alec raises an eyebrow with almost amused confusion.

“You too.”

“Nah, I look better with the scruff.” 

“And I don't?” Alec feels oddly amused for real now and he won’t dwell on it.

“Naw, I prefer your baby face.” Jace grins at Alec’s eyeroll. 

The mirth in Alec’s eyes vanishes suddenly, a strange, overbearing feeling taking a hold of him. “Jace, I… I love you so much and I'll never fully understand it all.” 

“Shhh I know, Alec, and no matter what you think, I'll always love you beyond reason, and I'll fight for you and your happiness first and foremost because I know I’ve been selfish and I know you'll fight for me, you always have and no one in this world or any other is as precious to me as you. And I need you to be okay, and as long as you have Magnus I know you’ll be loved as much as you deserve to be.” 

He takes Alec’s face between his hands and presses their foreheads together, tears pooling in their eyes. Alec can hardly breathe and wraps his arms around Jace, hugging him tightly.

“Let's get clean and fed and see what their plan of action is, alright?” Jace wipes his eye and smiles softly at Alec who takes a deep breath and nods. “Alright.”

They make haste to clean up, and Alec finally feels warm again, and something close to hungry, still avoiding to let the gravity of their situation wash over him. 

They meet Max, Robert, and the cats on their way and they hug each other overjoyed, before the Chairman and Church demand their well-earned cuddles. 

Alec wishes they could just stay like this for a few more hours, but just a couple minutes later they’re downstairs and directed towards the living-area where most of their friends and family are waiting. Alec doesn’t take a second to notice that Magnus isn’t with them.

“He’s resting in your room.” Izzy hugs him and Alec kisses her head, squeezing her affectionately. 

“Thank you.” 

He’s about to turn when he hears his mother’s voice suddenly close behind him. He closes his eyes for a second and turns around to face her, his expression mostly guarded.

“Are you alright? What happened was-” Alec lifts a hand to cut her off.

“I’m fine, and so’s Jace, thanks to Catarina and Magnus who always make sure we are safe.” He can’t but pointedly scowl at her before he turns determined to not be held up again.

* * *

Alec winces as he pulls down the door handle and the door creaks way too loud in his ears in the quiet. He slips into the room which is dimly lit by daylight, but the sun seems to have abandoned them and the outside looks grey and unwelcome.

He holds his breath as he watches Magnus and only relaxes as he hears the sound of his love’s even breathing. He quickly kicks off his shoes and crawls onto the bed, lying down behind him on the cover, wrapping an arm carefully over him and pressing close, his face in Magnus’ hair before he slides his nose down and pushes into his nape, inhaling Magnus’ comforting scent deeply. 

Not a minute later he can feel Magnus stir, his breathing changing, waking up, and Alec hopes he won’t startle him.

“Are you alright?” 

Magnus’ voice is slightly gravelly, yet still warm and soft and Alec wants to be wrapped into this beautiful sensation and stay there forever.

“Mmmm… fine, really, thank you. Didn’t mean to wake you but I had to see you… and hold you.” He whispers and brushes his lips tenderly against Magnus’ skin, eliciting a shudder in his boyfriend. 

“You know I don’t mind, Alexander, I need you, too.” 

Alec smiles a little. “How’re you?” 

“I’m… more rested than I was.” Magnus sighs inwardly, his fingers sliding through Alec’s to lace them together. If only they could freeze time right now and never let it continue.

Magnus’ skin tingles where Alec keeps dropping butterfly kisses on his neck and he could almost forget about the world entirely, he wants nothing more and never more than right now. He turns slowly to face the Shadowhunter, opening his eyes to focus on Alec’s beloved face. He does look a little better, but far from well; too thin, too pale, his eyes still shrouded. 

Magnus moves a hand, his thumb and forefinger framing Alec’s chin as he leans in to gently and languidly drag his lips against Alec’s whose arms are enveloping him, hands slipping underneath Magnus’ shirt, grazing over his bare back, his fingers mapping his muscles. He feels how Alec’s pressing into his warmth like he’s done a thousand times, but this time feels more urgent, more important, because he knows what it’s like to lose this now, they both do.

Alec’s leg is pushed between Magnus’ knees, Magnus’ hand in Alec’s hair, raveling in the feeling of the soft strands tickling his fingers, the dainty shiver that shakes his boyfriend when he pulls on his hair softly, their tongues stroking each other’s longingly, soft kissing sounds in their ears, every sensation and movement weeping of dire need to feel solace and safety and to forget.

The shift in Magnus is so subtle no one would have noticed, but to Alec it’s striking and his whole being is revolting against it. 

“Don’t… just… let’s just stay here like this and-” 

“Forget there’s a world that needs saving?” Magnus smiles melancholically, and Alec can see the anguished regret in his eyes. 

“Why’s it always you who has to save it?” He sighs and presses his face forward into the crook of Magnus’ neck, feeling Magnus’ fingers caressing the back of his head instantly.

“It’s not always me, and it’s my fault that it needs saving.”

“No, it’s not. It’s the villain’s fault, remember? You’re the hero.” Alec murmurs and manages to somehow hold Magnus even tighter. 

Magnus closes his eyes, awash with a multitude of emotions he can’t seem to handle, so he lets them be and focuses on the man in his arms, his touch, his smell, his warmth and comfort. 

“Do you think we’ll die?” 

They’ve been quiet just holding onto each other for several minutes and Alec’s question comes out of the blue, though Magnus is barely surprised for more than a couple of seconds. 

“I honestly don’t know, love. I have absolutely no idea what could happen. All of this… let’s say having a mundane, boring life seems like the ideal to strive for these days.” 

He kisses Alec’s hair and closes his eyes but opens them again as he feels Alec moving backwards, their eyes connecting a moment later.

Alec seems to want to say something, his gaze dropping downwards, his lips pressing together momentarily. Magnus moves his fingers to lift Alec’s chin and make him meet his eyes again.

The tiny sigh Alec lets free speaks volumes to Magnus; of unprecedented torment and the dear desire for it to be over. Magnus would give his life if he could actually grant him that.

“I’ve had these… images in my head, I’m not sure what to call them, visions maybe, but completely different from before. There’s fire, a lot of it, the city is burning, there are balls of fire flying through the air, smoke and ashes… I have no idea what it means or what it is… maybe it’s just some weird repercussion from whatever was in my head… because it’s gone, right?” Alec’s voice is feeble, vulnerable, pleading for reassurance, and Magnus wants to give him at least that, but he doesn’t get to speak. 

“Can you check?” Alec swallows visibly. “Please.”

The guilt he feels for how he shied away from Magnus before is obvious in his eyes and Magnus feels helpless as to reassure him that there’s nothing he needs to feel bad about, all Magnus wants is for him to be okay again, and more than that. 

“Of course.” 

His magic comes to life on his palm and dances along his fingers as he watches Alec close his eyes, holding his breath as Magnus, as carefully as he can, lets his magic travel into Alec’s mind, just enough to make sure nothing’s there that shouldn’t be.

“I feel nothing.” He cradles Alec’s cheek, watching him exhale deeply, shakily and nod.

“Thank you.” 

Magnus shakes his head, torn by longing to heal every part of Alec and the knowledge of his inability.

There’s the sound of rapping against the door and before either of them has chance to answer, it’s opened and Ragnor walks in, unfazed at their friends’ closeness.

“We have a visitor you wouldn’t want to miss.” 

Magnus turned his head just enough to see his friend and moves back to look into Alec’s eyes, regretful clarity of the end of their short reprieve visibly showing.

* * *

She’s wearing a long cloak woven of leaves, her face hooded until Magnus and Alec step into the room. As the hood trails off her head, revealing her face, the inside of the garment shines like moonlight, blinding them all for just a moment until its glow dims. Her long curly brown hair is in a thick braid, trailing down her chest, her eyes a mossy green.

“Thank you for seeing me.” 

Her voice has never sounded so gentle, so grateful in Magnus’ ears. They watch as she moves her arm gracefully, the cloak revealing a boy underneath, his big brown eyes regarding them cautiously, his arms wrapped around his mother’s waist. 

“It’s alright, son.” She smiles down at him reassuringly before seeking out Magnus’ eyes. “I know there’s no way I can repay this debt, but I’ve come to tell you why.” 

“Why w-” Maryse steps forward, every fibre of her rigid, but Magnus moves his hand up to silence her and to everyone’s surprise she lets up.

“Do you want to come play with us? These adult talks are always so boring.”

All eyes are on Max who approached the boy who still seems rather cowed next to his mother. Church is draped over Max’s shoulders while the Chairman’s balancing on his head and he’s smiling disarmingly at him. The boy regards them curiously, then looks up at his mother who smiles softly and nods at him. He lets go of her tentatively and follows a slightly limping Max towards the door. 

The youngest Lightwood shoots Magnus a smug look, making sure his friend knows he owes him one. Magnus feels a ripple of pride and gratitude inside him. He loves these people with everything he has, his family. 

He steps forward and gestures for her to sit at the table as he and Alec join her with a few others while the rest remain standing. 

“To figure out anyone’s intentions you need to understand them, what made them the way they became, no excuses, just circumstances. When I met Alistair twelve years ago he was a very different man, at least that’s how he appeared. He was charming in a clumsy way, he was knowledgeable, trustworthy, loyal and dedicated and his mind was what attracted me to him the most.” 

“Do we really have to listen to this drivel?” 

Magnus is close to shutting Maryse up for good - for as long as this meeting will last at least, but Robert is actually taking her to the side and whatever he says it’s working, for now. 

The Queen continues, dismissing the interruption. “Everybody underestimated him, he was excellent at gathering information, he seemed unthreatening, often a mere afterthought, a nobody if you didn’t care to take a second glance. He wasn’t into muscle work and his standing with the Inquisitor gave him many privileges others could only dream of. He amused and intrigued me and he was helpful and I liked using him, I must admit. I hadn’t planned on falling for him, but as you know love finds us in the most uncommon of places, in the most exceptional people.” 

Magnus can feel Maryse’s glare burning through his skull for a second before his eyes are drawn to Alec’s hazel depth, shining with fondness.

“I told myself I didn’t care enough to see the changes in him, but truth is, I cared too much so I didn’t want to see it. He became more secretive, disappeared without a word, didn’t talk to me, became withdrawn and obsessive, until one day I found him in his secret office and he was so mad and beside himself he told me everything.” 

She folds her hands and Magnus’ eyes dart down, perceiving their slight tremble.

“He used to grow up as a mundane, among a mundane family, he didn’t know about our world, that he was a Shadowhunter, anything at all. The Inquisitor must have had an eye on him all those years, and once the mundane family was killed in a demon attack she took him in and taught him everything, except about his real family. She actually told him his real name, Clairmont, and that his parents died in a tragic battle as heroes, and for a long time he didn’t question it, but she should have known that someday he would want to know details, read everything about his heroic parents, yet once he looked he found nothing, because there was nothing to be found. I don’t know how he did in the end. His parents’ death was tragic, but not in the way he was told. They were betrayed by their own, by other Shadowhunters saving their own skin by sacrificing the Clairmonts’ lives to a greater demon. Everyone who ever knew was sworn to secrecy or put to silence, and their child was given to mundane parents to stay hidden and to never find out about his origins. I assume the Inquisitor had something like a guilty conscience all those years, Alistair’s mother was her cousin after all... He was filled with such hatred, for the first time ever I felt scared of him. He was like a pawn to madness, the kind I know to inflict within creatures, but I hadn’t seen it happen like this. He cursed the Inquisitor, all Shadowhunters, and he wanted me to help him get revenge, but I refused and left. I thought I’d never see him again, but he came to me once more and he seemed… better… he asked me again to help him, talked and talked, pledged his undying love to me and for a moment I wanted to believe him, wanted to tell him about my pregnancy which I’d found out only days before, but I finally opened my eyes and really saw him then, and I couldn’t risk it, there was no going back for him, he was consumed by vengeance and I knew I had to protect myself and my child, because he was much more of a threat than anyone would have believed, and I couldn’t stop him then... I cared too much and I never thought that any of this… I couldn’t have imagined any of this.” 

Magnus is still watching her closely. She looks exhausted but relieved in some way. Any kind of secret is a burden, some so grave they destroy their bearer.

“But you weren’t scared enough to plot murdering Magnus with him.” Raphael’s staring her down from his place behind Alec where he’s stood with his arms crossed, his eyes flashing with scorn.

She glances at him, smiles wearily. “Making the man murder the one person who knew the secret he was never to find out was a good strategy.” 

Her eyes rest on Magnus who stretches his neck, his jaw tense but he nods. 

“It was indeed.” He feels Alec’s hand in his under the table and he squeezes it gently, his eyes trained on the Queen.

“He doesn’t really care for that, he doesn’t care about downworlders as long as they don’t get in his way or he can use them, it’s the Shadowhunters he wants to see suffer for what they did to his family, for all their crimes and there aren’t few of them. But this reckless power he has now… no man can withstand it and stay in control of his own sanity. He would have seen he’s already succeeded… what he’s about to do now… I can’t help you with that.” 

She stands suddenly and her son comes rushing back into the room to her side, a confused Max and the cats following after the boy suddenly stopped playing and hurried away, as if he got a command he alone could hear.

“What, this is it? You tell us some sob story and disappear again? Where’s your army to help fight him?” Maryse has been quiet long enough and comes forward to confront her, and this time no one interrupts her because they know she’s right.

The Queen’s eyes glow like snow, her expression one of dark amusement. “Oh no, Shadowhunter, this isn’t our fight. My army would be wiped out with a snap of his fingers once he unleashes  _ them. _ ” 

Her gaze pierces through Magnus like a spear of ice, snatching his breath, making his insides tremble.  _ Whispers in his mind, a might so awful he never wanted it.  _

Her eyes change to an earthy brown, calming. “I can’t help you and I don’t know how to find him, but thank you for what you did for me and my son, we won’t forget it.” 

She pulls her hood over her head and hides her son under her cloak. Maryse scoffs disdainfully as they watch them leave.

“Well that was a waste of valuable time we don’t have!” Maryse is inconsolable but everyone else is looking to Magnus whose silent. 

“It wasn’t a waste, we now know what he wants, and it isn’t to destroy all of the Shadow World.” Maia speaks up and half a dozen heads are nodding.

“Maybe we can convince him that he already won, maybe we have to show him that The Clave is destroyed, that Shadowhunters are powerless and maybe we can get the Inquisitor to apologize or explain…” Clary’s looking at her friends, her eyes coming to rest on Magnus again who’s still looking at the spot the Queen stood a moment ago. She meets Alec’s worried eyes.

“We still have to find him to do that, preferably before he opens a gate of hell.” Raphael chimes in, not looking any less gloomy.

“There’s also something Clary needs to show you.” Jocelyn speaks up and Clary turns around to her quickly. 

“Mom, I really don’t think now’s a good time.” 

“Yes, Clary, I doubt there’ll be a better opportunity any time soon.” Clary relents, she’s been wanting to talk to them about this for days but there was never even a moment…

“First, we need to speak to Magnus urgently.” Catarina’s adamant to talk to him about this finally, having discussed it with Ragnor, making as many arrangements as possible. 

Magnus feels surrounded by eyes gaping at him, tearing away at his substance and energy, their staring so loud it’s jangling in his brain like iron chains. Fingers are scraping at his skin, shredding it, revealing flesh and bone, wanting more, wanting so much more than he can give, always more… 

“Magnus?” 

Magnus startles visibly as a voice gets through to his mind, his head’s spinning but the moment his eyes come to rest on the person before him - Alec, who else but him - everything stands still, everything becomes quiet, he can breathe again.

Alec’s hands are holding his face, his eyes shutting as their foreheads press together, his fingers closing around Alec’s arms.  _ Steady now, you can do this.  _

“You’re okay, Magnus, we’re here, we’re still here.” Alec’s whispered words hold the world for Magnus in that moment. 

Yes, they are here, yes they are okay - strong enough to do this - and everything else comes later. He can do this, whatever it is. He has what - who he needs. 

He moves back slightly, meeting Alec’s troubled eyes, he smiles tenderly. “I’m okay.”  _ I love you, I won’t let anything happen to you again, I rather go down burning. _

He leans forward, presses a kiss to Alec’s lips he wishes could last a lot longer before he smiles again, his forefinger trailing down Alec’s nose to his lips, eliciting the sweetest lopsided smile from his tormented half-angel.

He gathered enough strength and stands, facing Cat and Clary, his eyes twinkling. “Alright then, who’s first?” 

The women glance at each other before Clary relents, Cat giving her a look of gratitude before turning back to Magnus.

“It’s about praesidium. I think we’re going to need it.” 

  
Everyone but Ragnor looks clueless while Magnus’ features darken with understanding and aversion.

* * *

 


	46. Foreboding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the lovely jeeznametaken, Yu and my ever supportive Parabeta AlyxHavok for help on this one.
> 
> I don't know what I think, or rather I hope what I think isn't totally true. You tell me if you want. My wrist hurts from writing it all yesterday, and I don't actually wanna share it but then the story doesn't move on and that's hopefully worse, so...

Magnus’ frown deepens as he lifts his hand to place on Catarina’s arm and moves her to the other end of the room where it’s at least harder for others to overhear them.

“Catarina, my dear, as helpful as that spell would be, I don’t see 30 warlocks in this room, if that number would even be sufficient, and you know what would happen to them if we attempted using it. No one would agree to it, and everyone’s in hiding and those who aren’t certainly wouldn’t want to join us fighting demons, especially not the likes of Asmodeus. I’m sorry, but this isn’t going to work.”

He dislikes crushing her efforts, knowing how much she’s done for him, for all of them already and never stops thinking of more ways to get them all through this. But this time he feels it’s simply impossible and his expression tells her as much. He’s a little surprised that she doesn’t even attempt to argue, but maybe she does realize it herself.

His eyes catch Clary, Jocelyn, and Luke now standing before the others who are watching them curiously as Clary explains something.

“...and so we tried it, well, mom and Luke did, and it works, and I think it could be a great cause of surprise in a fight. For it to work a Shadowhunter and a Downworlder have to pair up.”

Luke puts a hand on her shoulder, smiling gently. “How about a demonstration?”

Clary smiles and nods at him and steps back, watching as Luke takes his wife’s stele she offers instantly and draws a rune most of them have never seen before on her hand. Jocelyn does the same to Luke and he takes a step back, now watching her like everyone else. Jocelyn’s eyes suddenly spark green and her body convulses grotesquely and a minute later a white wolf occupies her space. People’s mouths and eyes wide, Clary smiles proudly.

“We called it the Alliance rune, those connected through it share each other’s powers at will. No one would expect a Shadowhunter to suddenly do magic, turn into a wolf or vampire. And Downworlders are able to use Shadowhunter runes to their advantage.”

“This might be the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. Who’s pairing up with me?” Raj looks like a boy seeing a miracle for the first time, drawing smiles and gentle laughs from people.

Everyone else is suddenly eager to find a partner as well, and Magnus and Catarina watch as the pairs form rather naturally. Jocelyn and Luke, Izzy and Simon, Maia and Lydia, Clary and Raphael, Raj and Alaric, and Alec steps to Magnus’ side, taking his hand.

“Obviously,” he says with a tiny smirk meant for just Magnus to see, making him smile softly in agreement.

“What about me and dad?” Max looks rather miffed at the pairs, desperate to try it.

Catarina joins him, smiling. “You can share my magic for now, but in battle I won’t use the rune as I’ll be the backup and tending to the injured, alright?”

Max knows they wouldn’t let him fight anyway, and so he’s more than happy for this opportunity, nodding eagerly.

“I’ll pair up with Robert, if that’s alright.” Roukan appears from the entrance, looking weary but much better and fully recovered from his injury. If he can do something to help in honor of his brother he’s willing to do it even if it will cost him his life.

Magnus nods at him and Robert agrees, just a little excited to become a werewolf temporarily.

“It’s quite painful at first, but it gets easier after a while, and it’s not a perfect transition, but it’s powerful.” Jocelyn warns them before Clary shows them the rune and everyone attempts drawing it on their respective partners.

Alec scans the room for his mother but she’s nowhere to be found. He feels angry and spiteful, but of course she wouldn’t want to pair up with a Downworlder - not that any of them should be punished with her. He shoves it away and focuses on the rune, getting distracted again by people around him transforming.

Jace grew horns, and is shooting Ragnor’s magic from his hands, almost knocking out Raphael who’s trying to draw a speed rune on his arm in the process. “Sorry… that shit’s potent.” Jace stares at his hands in sheer amazement and Ragnor smirks proudly while Raphael scoffs.

“Amazing!” Max calls out as he - more careful than his brother - uses Cat’s magic, making it float up to the ceiling, then engulfs a mug from the table, transporting it around the room before attempting to make the cats float who are running from him.

Clary and Izzy are sporting vampire teeth with delight, speedily climbing up the walls and jumping down again. Raj, Lydia and Robert got over the pain and shock of their transition, howling in wolf form and Alec’s stunned once again at Clary’s ability. This could be the decisive factor if they really have to fight.

“Alexander?” He blinks and his eyes lock on Magnus’ glowing golden orbs, an eternal shudder surging through him, alighting his skin, inflaming his whole being. One thing that’s never going to change, he’s sure of it.

He nods and takes Magnus’ hand, takes out his stele and draws the rune on Magnus as carefully as possible before offering Magnus the stele and holding out his hand for Magnus to do the same, his eyes glued to Magnus’ face, taut in concentration and mesmerizing.

It’s over before he realizes and Magnus prods him. “Go on, try to make a flame or spark in your palm first.”

Alec glances at his hand, feeling a little inept, no idea what he’s actually supposed to do, the fear of failing once again flaring up dangerously.

“Just close your eyes and envision it. You got this, love.” Magnus saw the anxiety in Alec’s eyes instantly and is quick to reassure him.

Alec breathes slowly, nods and closes his eyes. He imagines Magnus in all his beauty, golden cat eyes and blue, safe magic dancing in his palms, he’s smiling and coming closer and closer and suddenly he’s gone… no… he’s still here but… his eyes open, dropping to his hand and he stares at the blue flame in his palm completely astounded.

Magnus is smiling proudly as their eyes meet and Alec’s lips twitch with delight. He brings his other hand up and a blue flame appears there, too. He can feel his hands and arms vibrate with magic pulsing through them, spreading in all of his body. It’s even more powerful than Magnus using magic on him. He can’t find words to describe it. Is that how it is for Magnus all the time?

Alec moves his hands and arms, the magic sizzling, turning lighter and he moves the way he watched Magnus do it countless of times, eventually forming a deep blue magic orb, firing it against the wall in a safe distance from everyone else. A hole appears, dust and daylight streaming through and he shrugs unapologetically at Raphael who’s scowling at him. He then closes the hole again successfully.

Alec smirks broadly, turning back to Magnus. “This is… brilliant.” It doesn’t even start to describe it but he’s still rather lost for words.

Magnus smiles in astonishment. “You should see your eyes.”

Alec blinks surprised, he didn’t think he would also change… his eyes? “Show me!”

Magnus attempts to magic a mirror but it doesn’t work. He chuckles, amazed at how powerful this rune is. “You’ll have to get a mirror yourself.”

Alec frowns but catches on and before he knows how he did it - he only envisioned the pocket mirror he saw lying in one of the rooms - he’s holding it in his hand. “Amazing,” he whispers as he looks into it, his eyes growing wider.

They’re not Magnus’ exactly, but they are formed that way, their color a rich auburn with specks of amber and they’re sparkling.

“You’re stunning.” Alec’s eyes shoot up to Magnus’ face and he smiles a little, still too dazed to fully take all of this in. “With and without.” Magnus brings a hand to Alec’s cheek, his fingers softly dragging over the smooth skin before he takes the stele and draws the night vision rune on the back of his hand.

“Turn the lights off?” He smirks mischievously at Alec who nods and takes a moment to figure it out before he flicks his hand and the lights are out. They ignore people’s complaints and Magnus focuses, his vision suddenly blurry and disoriented, but moments later his eyes find focus, becoming very sharp and he can see as well as in daylight, even zoom in on people.

“I must admit this is rather useful.” Magnus grins softly and Alec chuckles and flicks the lights back on.

“Yeah, pretty great.” He feels incredible, Magnus’ magic is like a living being inside him, surging and humming, permitting him to feel a power he’s never experienced before and he knows this isn’t even a modicum of what he could do with it.

Again he glances around at everyone else, happy to see they’re all getting accustomed to sharing their powers.

There’s no sign of a warning when a sharp flash inflicts pain in his head, his hands coming up to try and lessen the ache to no effect.

“Alec!” Jace feels the discomfort through their bond and Magnus turns back to Alec immediately alerted, his hands carefully wrapping around his love’s wrists.

“Alexander, what’s wrong?” How he still manages to keep relatively calm in these moments of utter panic he doesn’t know, sickening fear he’s all too familiar with settling in his gut.

“I don’t know… I… fire…” He gasps, seeing the flames devouring everything in their path, demolishing the city once again, fires hot and deadly and screams deafening in his mind.

He sinks down onto his knees with Magnus and Jace, who looks rather ashen, and Izzy right next to him, the others looking on helplessly.

Magnus pleads silently that whatever this is, is going to vanish just like the other times because even with his magic he’s not sure what to do about it, the risk of damaging Alec too high and terrifying.

Alec drops his arms and takes a deep breath, his body trembling and Magnus pulls him into his chest carefully, closing his arms around him. “Shhh… you’re okay.” If only he could be sure of it.

“This keeps happening out of the blue, I can’t see it but I feel it and it’s different from before but still weird and nasty.” Jace takes a breath and sits down more comfortably, squeezing Izzy’s hand and smiling a little at Clary kissing his temple and wrapping her arms around him as he presses into her, seeking comfort.

Magnus meets Catarina’s worried gaze. “Alec, love, you should get some more rest.”

Lucille appears in the entrance. “Guys something’s happening outside, you better come.”  

Raphael’s walking towards her concerned. “Demons?”

She shakes her head. “No.”

Magnus can feel it suddenly and one look at Cat and Ragnor he knows they do, too.

“I’ll make sure he gets some rest.” Lydia’s quick to help Alec up as she nods at Magnus who smiles a little at her, grateful for her perceptiveness.

“Thanks, I’ll be with you as soon as I can.” He presses a kiss on Alec’s mouth, his lips caressing his cheek and further to whisper into his ear to reassure him before he watches as Lydia takes his arm and leads him upstairs. Then the rest of them head out to the hotel’s entrance.

* * *

Alec refuses to lie down but agrees to sit on a couch, his long fingers massaging his temples. “It’s just a headache.”

Lydia stays quiet, knowing they’re both aware of the downplay of his statement.

Alec sighs and leans back, suddenly grateful for the distracting thought. “So… you and Maia? Or am I making that up?”

Lydia looks surprised for a second, then smiles a little as if she should have known. “I must admit I’m surprised you noticed anything, not that there is anything to notice.”

Alec raises an eyebrow at her, managing despite the pounding in his head to look facetious. Lydia rolls her eyes and folds her hands in her lap.

“We properly met on this mission to retrieve a few rogue werewolves. I know Shadowhunters shouldn't even have been on it but I managed to convince The Clave that Raj and I were going to evaluate the situation and only step in if needed. Maia and I got stuck, I mean literally, which was my fault because I fell down this deep ditch and it was a stormy night and the rain was heavier than I've ever known it and it was all slippery mud and water and I took one wrong step... of course I'd separated from Raj at that point, though he'd only have fallen in it with me if he'd tried to help. Maia saw me and came to my rescue, but the soil came down on us like a waterfall of earth and stones and we were stuck for an hour until the others found us. It was really... awkward at first. We'd never even talked just the two of us before that. But once we started... I know we shouldn't have anything in common, but for some reason she seems to understand me without me having to spell it out for her... like you usually do, and she's so funny and smart... and one day she just felt so... familiar, and safe... and I found myself making up reasons why I had to go see her, which isn't like me... but at the time I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone else, not about what was going on inside me... everyone was coping in some way with you being gone and I didn't feel like I had a right to impose on your friends and family... I could see what your absence was doing to each one of them and I was powerless myself... and I was scared of seeing Magnus like that, seeing Jace... he seemed like himself whenever we were on a mission, but the moment it was done he seemed to be lost again, in a never ending state of silent limbo, while Magnus was raging, his desperation was loud and oppressive and honestly, being with either of them was impossible for most of us. And Izzy and Clary did their best to keep everyone together and I couldn’t burden them, too. Those months seem so weird now... almost like a dream that never really happened.”

They’re silent for a moment, each alone with their thoughts.

“So I went to see Maia and she managed to make me feel better every time, like you... but also... there's something else which was never there between you and me, you know what I mean. I never thought I'd feel something like this again, especially not for a woman, but it’s almost like it doesn’t even matter. It's just really strange and I don't know how to make sense of it, yet. I don’t know if I'm only making it awkward which it shouldn't be, and you know how extraordinary situations evoke extreme feelings? So I'm just not sure whether I'm being genuine or not and I’d hate to lead her on if I’m not, but I told her as much and I hope that when all of this is over that we can figure it out together, I mean, if there really is something.”

She glances at her best friend, doubt and fear in her deep blue eyes and Alec moves an arm around her, pulling her against himself, wrapping her into a big hug. “You will figure it out, trust me.” He kisses her head and hears her quiet sigh.

“Thank you. And all we gotta do first is fight another maniac, no big deal for us, right?”

Alec smiles a tiny bit. “Right.” He squeezes her, sighing softly and shutting his eyes for a moment, wishing with all he has that they’ll make it.

* * *

Magnus watches completely spellbound as portal after portal opens up, warlocks stepping through, filling the foyer of the hotel. He knows them all, can feel their magic inside him, brimming mightily and comforting. Dot and Zoe, Tessa and Iris, some from as far away as Europe, Asia and Australia. Some of them he hasn’t seen in a few centuries but he remembers them all, some have been good friends to him and some he only met once but they all have something in common.

“You knew they were coming.” He glances to his left where Catarina and Ragnor are standing next to him.

“Who do you think sent the invitations?” Ragnor quips sarcastically and Magnus can’t but smile, shocked to feel his eyes welling up.

“They all agreed to help with the spell, Magnus, for you most of all because they feel they owe you for everything you’ve done for each one of them, and because they care about you and about our world. We’re not alone in this.”

Magnus turns to Catarina. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

She rolls her eyes at him. “Because you’re so damn stubborn and you needed to see them for yourself. Sometimes talking to you is like talking to Ragnor when he’s lost in one of his books and doesn’t know night from day.”

Magnus blinks and huffs a quiet laugh, his shoulders shaking briefly. His face turns into the softest expression of gratitude and admiration for his friends. “You truly are extraordinary.”

“We know, now greet your guests and let’s make this work.” She gives him a push towards the now 37 warlocks, and he goes smiling, sharing greetings, handshakes and hugs with everyone while Catarina and Ragnor quickly fill in the others.

* * *

Izzy climbs up the wall and knocks loudly against the closed window when she spots her brother and Lydia. She smirks as they get off the couch startled and hurry to open the window to let her in. She lands on the ground swiftly, pushing her hair back.

“Iz, what the hell?” Alec’s confused and amused.

“I used the rune again, perks of being a vampire.” She winks and shows them her pointy teeth. “This is the best kind of dressing up ever.”

Lydia and Alec share a gleeful look. “Anyway, guys, the hotel’s full of warlocks that came to perform an enormous spell and you shouldn’t miss it.” Izzy gives Lydia a look she understands instantly and leaves first.

“How are you? The truth, please.” Her eyes are taking him in thoroughly and he runs a hand through his hair, glancing down.

“Just a little shaky, the headache’s pretty much gone… just exhausted.” He meets her loving eyes again and lets her wrap him into a hug, burying his nose in her shoulder.

“I wish you could get some real rest, big brother.”

Alec smiles fondly, squeezing her gently. “Hey, it’s okay, it’s not even half as bad as all that before, and you deserve a break even more. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there for you when you were feeling all alone and had to be there for everyone else, you’re the bravest woman I know and I love you so much.” His voice breaks at the end and he presses harder into her.

Izzy’s a little stunned, sudden relief washing over her. “Hey, it’s not your fault and I knew you’d come back, you just took your time.” Alec hears the tears in her voice and lifts her up like he used to when they were younger and her legs come around his waist naturally as they cling to each other.

“I promise once this is over you’ll never have to worry about me again.”

Izzy smiles lovingly and moves to look at him. “I’ll always worry about you, big brother, but hopefully after this it will only be about whether you remember dad’s birthday or come on time to your meetings instead of lazing about with Magnus all day.” She grins and Alec chuckles softly.

“Yeah, let’s hope we can all do that soon.” His eyes are full of unspoken sorrow and regret and Izzy feels tears she pushes down urgently, hugs him again and has to let go as he sets her down again.

“We better join the others.” Alec nods at her and follows her outside, brazing himself for… a lot of warlocks. He closes the door and passes a corridor, spotting a figure huddled against the wall. He stops and turns and steps towards her slowly, wishing he’d not have noticed, cursing himself for not ignoring her and heading after his sister.

“Mother?”

He can’t see her face, her loose hair and an arm thrown over it. She moves and looks up at him for a second before she turns her head away again. He feels like there are an infinite amount of abysses between them, or just one of infinite width. He’s about to just turn away again when she speaks.

“I know you don’t want to hear it and you don’t believe me, but I am sorry and I know you’ll never understand me, Alec, I know I haven’t made it easy for you, any of you, and I am tired of apologizing for the way I tried to raise and protect you as best as I could under the circumstances… I know I failed quite spectacularly, you’ve all made that abundantly clear, and it seems all I manage to do anymore is the wrong thing, and I don’t know how to deal with that, but it’s my cross, not yours, and I am glad that the four of you managed to become your own wonderful people despite your parents and against all the odds.”

Their eyes meet and Alec’s faced with the clarity of his mother’s struggles and war with herself and her own upbringing in a world he still doesn’t fully understand because it’s so much bigger and more complex than he ever knew. He’s never seen her look so small, fragile and drained. And he has to fight the notion to sit down next to her and comfort her. It’s not his job… it’s not his responsibility… and he just can’t… forget… forgive… he can’t. There’s so much they should talk about, so much they don’t seem to understand about each other. He’s too tired, there’s too much at stake right now, there’s no time… but what if now’s their only chance? What if… he shuts his eyes and shakes his head. He can’t let himself think it, he just can’t.

“You should decide whether you want to fight on our side, with us, or be on your own and wait it out, I guess.” He turns slowly and leaves, his chest contracting painfully as he curses himself again and wipes the moisture from his eyes, swallowing down the lump in his throat, forcing a tight smile for his sister who’s waiting for him at the top of the stairs. He takes her offered hand and they watch the commotion as they enter the foyer.

Alec’s never seen as many warlocks in one place of all shapes and sizes and colors and Max in the middle of them, no doubt having the time of his life, coaxing as much information out of them as he can. He feels hope because having that many friends on their side, that many powerful ones, surely they have a really good chance of defeating whatever Alistair will have in store for them. Thinking of the alternative would be equal to giving up and he will never ever do that.

Izzy raises on her toes and kisses his cheek, smiling before she lets go of his hand and heads towards Clary and Simon while Alec’s zoned in on Magnus and steps up to him and the warlocks he’s surrounded by tentatively.

Magnus’ neck tingles and he turns suddenly, his hand moving in an apologetic gesture as he’s hurrying towards Alec and pulls him into a tight hug, his hands fisting in his jacket. Alec hadn’t expected it but he sinks into him, basking in the warmth and safety, the knowledge that he’s the only one who gets all of Magnus without having to ask.

“Are you okay?”

Alec nods and inhales him before moving back to look at him, his hand cradling half of Magnus’ face. “Yes, are you?”

Magnus smiles softly and nods. “Yes… they really came.”

He’s still so moved by it and Alec feels himself falling a little deeper in love. There seems to be no end to this, either, but he doesn’t mind at all.

“There’s a spell we want to use that will protect everyone in its vicinity. It’s incredibly powerful and the number of warlocks may just be enough to cover enough ground and last as long as we’ll need to get to Alistair and take him out.”

Alec nods, glancing around for a moment. “What’s the downside?”

Magnus’ brow furrows lightly before a small smile plays around his mouth. “Can’t keep anything from you, can I?”

“You shouldn’t ever have to.” Alec looks more gravely than he meant to, guilt for having kept so much from Magnus and everyone else settling on his already heavy shoulders.

“Don’t beat yourself up over that, my love. We’re still learning.” Magnus runs his fingers gently through the hair on the back of Alec’s head, hoping to relax him a little.

“The downside as you already figured is that the moment the spell runs out, every warlock involved is drained from magic and basically incapacitated, unable to fight for a rather significant amount of time and it could get dangerous for them.”

Alec’s concern shows immediately on his face and he takes a long moment until he speaks. “So, the plan is getting to Alistair before we even need them to use the spell?”

“That would be ideal, but we have to expect our chances of that being very slim, so they will get in place and work on the spell as soon as we’ve located Alistair, and if we succeed they’ll have all the time to recover in safety.”

And if not… Alec nods vaguely and leans his forehead against Magnus’, his fingers dragging along Magnus’ neck and into his hair and down over his shoulders to his back, tightening as he sighs deeply.

He wants to be strong and confident and brave and a warrior and role model. But he feels like curling up in Magnus’ lap to cry and make Magnus tell him over and over that everything will be okay. And he feels so ashamed for it.

And he has to force himself away from all that Magnus represents or he won’t be able to keep himself together, and so he brushes his lips over Magnus’ temple before he drags his feet to greet the warlocks he knows and those he doesn’t and to listen to Max and his stories while he smiles and pretends that there isn’t a spiraling anguish coursing through him.

* * *

“Promise we’ll somehow manage to heal him when this is done.”

Magnus glances at Jace next to him, the ache in his chest increasing desperately.

“I think what will help him heal the most is all of us doing our best to heal ourselves.”

Jace frowns a little, taking a moment to think about his friend’s words before he nods, his eyes on Clary, Izzy, Max, and Alec. “Fair point, but whatever this is that’s going on, it’s going to stop, right? He’ll be good one day, happy, no more of these mind fucks?”

Magnus turns to face him fully, wishing nothing more than to make that promise, but he knows he mustn’t. “We will all do our best, I will do anything I can.”

There are words unspoken but he sees in Jace’s eyes that he understands and has to accept that may be all they can do.

“We should get out there as soon as possible, we need to get to that bastard before… Magnus, I’m scared for Alec in battle… and for you and me, because we’ll take every risk for him, in case something happens to him…”

“To be completely honest, and you better never repeat this to anyone, I’ve thought about sedating him until this is done more than once.”

Jace blinks in surprise, seeing the guilt in Magnus’ eyes. “Hey, you know I get it, better than anyone, and I wish it wasn’t so appealing.”

“How many months do you think he would despise us, though?”

Jace raises an eyebrow. “Months? More like years, he’d probably remind me on my death bed.” He smirks softly and Magnus nods a little, dread tearing on their insides.

“Look, we just have to trust each other and him, he’s proven more than once through this that he’s stronger than most of us, he can do it but we can’t slip up.”

Magnus nods again, their eyes locked in a meaningful stare before Jace pats his back and walks off slowly.

Magnus takes that moment to catch himself, willing all the fearful uncertainty and what ifs away, so he can keep his promise to not fuck up.

“Magnus.” Maia and Luke join him this time.

“I’m going to relieve the outposts with the rest of our packs, the vampires are doing the same, any advice before we leave?” Maia seems confident and Magnus is glad to see her like this, to see them all so courageous and united. There’s a lot of strength and hope and good on their side.

“Just be careful and if you spot any demonic activity, let me know immediately.”

She smiles softly and nods, gives him a hug and leaves with the others. “I’m going, too. My hotel isn’t what it used to be and there’s nothing to be done here, I’m of more use out there.” Raphael also gives Magnus a short, tight hug and hurries out, and Magnus notices it’d be sundown if there’d been any sun on this day.

“I’ve called on several other packs who are all willing to come fight with us, Raphael’s done the same with other clans and the Silent Brothers are going to send as many Shadowhunters as they can spare.” Luke informs Magnus, who feels conflicted about the news.

“I don’t want to alarm Alistair, he may not be willing to listen at all if he knows we have a small army… we want to disarm him with facts and convince him he’s already won, I really don’t want to actually have to fight, Lucian.”

Luke frowns deeply. “You’re that frightened?”

“Honestly, I have no idea what we could be facing in the worst case and I really don’t want to find out. I’m not all-knowing or invincible or the most powerful being, our strategy should be avoiding battle at any cost, I think we have a chance to come out of this unharmed if we do it right.”

“Magnus, I might not know as much as you do about the demon world, but this man, he’s not going to invite us for coffee and a chat, not after all the trouble he’s gone to to find those damned stones. He wants revenge and he won’t be satisfied with what he already destroyed. As much as I wish we could avoid a fight, we have to be prepared for it, for the worst case, so I’m going to give them the OK, they can take up posts around the city and only show themselves once we need them.”

Magnus clenches his jaw, his hands fisted, wanting to argue with his friend, but he swallows the angry words and nods instead. He feels aggravated beyond reason and he knows his friend is right, he just… he feels immense pressure again, as if everything, all of their lives depend on him and him alone, and he can’t shake the feeling as he watches Luke leave and shakes out his body, his magic in turmoil, antsy and restless and alarmed and he has no idea why.

“MAGNUS!” He hears several people shouting for him but there are so many he’s not sure, he just knows he needs to find him. Alec!

And when he does he’s almost scared out of his mind. Alec’s on the floor, collapsed mere moments ago, again out of the blue and he’s holding his head, his eyes showing almost all white and he’s convulsing, shaking, breathing heavily and Magnus is panicked, they all are, helpless and clueless, Jace feeling bad enough to be in need of support from Clary and Simon.

“The storm… it’s coming.” Alec presses out through clenched teeth and suddenly he’s back, his body still, his eyes back to normal, he’s panting and slowly moving into a sitting position with Magnus’ help who’s close to sobbing.

“Magnus… it’s starting, they’re here.” Alec clings to his arms, his eyes desperate for him to understand, and Magnus suddenly gets it. He’s been feeling it all the while. Alistair’s close and he’s about to or has already succeeded in opening the gate of hell to the greater demon’s dimension.

The huge doors of the main entrance suddenly fly open, squalls and lightning greeting them, thunder’s rolling and in the distance a sea of black, grey and red clouds, spiraling upwards into a whirlwind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this battle is right on their and my doorstep and even though I know what'll happen (and I'm afraid it won't be as most expect, it probably won't be as I expect because this story always turns out surprising me while actually writing it... I don't know how others plan their shit and stick to it!?) I feel panicked about it now... and I'll probably need a lot of time and help to really figure it out so it makes at least some sense and isn't all over the place... can't believe I'm actually here... it seemed so very far away... shit...
> 
> Also struggling horribly with this which I read yesterday and ho was it needed... I don't know why this even applies because reading my own shit it's so laughable but... you know... brains are weird. 
> 
> Perfectionism is not your friend. It’s rooted in the fear that what you do won’t be good enough. It’s over-valuing others’ opinions of you and your work.  
> Perfectionism leaves you paralyzed, waiting for the perfect conditions so you know it’s safe to act. Unfortunately, if you’re waiting for the perfect conditions, you may wait for the rest of your life.  
> If you can learn to fall in love with the process, rather than the product, you’ll be free to chase your passions unrestrained. Don’t let perfectionism keep you from moving. After all, you can’t steer a parked car.
> 
> So anyway... as ever I'll try to make sense of it and to not hate it.


	47. Goodnight, moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't thank my amazing Parabeta enough for her undying support and encouragement. Means the world and without you and Yu (best meta writer this side of the world) I couldn't continue this. <3
> 
> Thank you eternally everyone who's left kudos, comments, hasn't given up on this story.
> 
> If anything seems illogical to you let me know and I'll try explain/fix it.

They seem frozen in time, all eyes staring in shock at the calamitous sight before them.

Alec feels a prod against his arm, his look finally disconnecting with the disaster, locking with Jace's blue and brown eyes instead. Jace inclines his head silently towards their right side and as Alec's gaze follows, coming to rest on Magnus, he understands instantly.

He nods at his Parabatai then moves in front of his boyfriend, shielding his view, his hands coming up to settle gently on Magnus' shoulders.

“Hey.” Alec tries to get Magnus to focus on him, his dark eyes veiled and oddly disturbed.

Only when Alec cradles Magnus' cheek and moves his face so close their noses are almost touching, can he see a shift in Magnus' eyes. But the feeling of relief that barely caught on, bursts when Magnus starts mumbling words Alec doesn't understand, still unfocused.

Alec glances around quickly, catching Izzy, Luke's and Jace's eyes. “You know what to do, right?”

Alec himself only remembers half of their strategy right now, but they nod and reassure him and he has no reason to doubt them. He wraps a hand around Magnus' waist, holding on tightly as he leads him away from everyone else, away from the open space.

Magnus is still talking quietly but it sounds nothing like him and Alec is scared mindless, doing his best to keep it together.

Once they're alone he cradles Magnus' face with his hands, and when calling his name doesn't seem to get through to him, he dips his head, tugging Magnus' up slightly and presses their mouths together gently.

It takes several seconds, seeming like a lifetime to Alec, until Magnus finally kisses him back, Magnus' arms moving around his waist, holding on tightly. Alec's body sighs, relaxing slowly.

He moves back a little to look at Magnus, his fingers caressing his temples and cheeks.

“Alec?”

Magnus seems to be coming out of a dream – nightmare most likely, Alec thinks bitterly. He smiles gently and nods.

“Hey, yeah, I'm here, and you're here, and we're okay.” He remembers Magnus soothing him not long ago, hoping he can somehow do the same for him.

Alec stays very still as Magnus' hands move upwards over his chest and throat, splaying tenderly over his face, Magnus' eyes fixed on him as if he can't quite believe he's real.

Tears pool in Alec's eyes but he can't let himself be weak right now. He knows he needs more strength than he's ever had to have before and he can only – maybe – do this if Magnus is alright.

Alec watches the shift in Magnus' golden eyes and suddenly they're clear, sharp and glowing red at their edges.

Magnus' hands drop and he steps back, and Alec's fighting himself to not leap right after him, unwilling to let him go, fearful of what any of this means.

“I'm sorry, I'm good. And we need to move.”

Magnus isn't looking at him, his voice dull and detached and he's already turning away but Alec's faster, grasps his upper arm and moves before him.

“No, what happened to you? You're not good, Magnus, and you can't go out there and face whatever like this, none of us can, we need to... we have to...”

Alec doesn't know. Be strong? Have hope? Believe they can win? He doesn't know anymore.

“Alec, I have to do this. No one else can, it's all on me, I have to not mess up, I can't fail anymore, I can't.”

It's as if an icy wind is blowing around Alec, penetrating his skin and flesh and further into his bones.

Magnus' eyes are filled with black despair, not a spark of genuine hope or belief in himself.

_What happened to you, my beautiful, powerful warrior? Is it my fault? Did I do this to you? I did, I am doing it..._

Alec closes his eyes, holding his breath, his grip still tight on Magnus' arm. He needs more time, more time to find the words, more time to make this right, to undo what he did to him, to all of them – time he never seems to have.

He throws his arms around Magnus, pushing his face into his neck, clutching him like a vice. Maybe, if only he won't let go, they'll be okay, if he just holds on tight enough, everything will be okay.

* * *

Magnus is drowning. Not in water, held down by a body three times bigger and so much stronger than himself. He's drowning in air, he's drowning in compulsion, in failure, in helplessness, in worthlessness, in anxiety and sorrow, in responsibility and despondency, in the weight of worlds, of broken hearts, of sacrifice, of grief, of lost lives and lost loves.

Nothing has ever felt like this, he knows.

Yet, he isn't alone.

A cold, shaky body is wrapped around him, a cold nose and cold lips pressed into his neck – his one lifeline that just won't tear.

His hands start to move, his arms lifting to come around Alec's back, and through his darkness and torment he hears Alec’s voice, whispered words, and a memory of them lying in bed, the cats draped over their legs as Magnus' fingers slide through Alec's hair, his head on his chest.

“...who was whispering, 'Hush.' Goodnight, room. Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight, light and the red balloon. Goodnight, Church. Goodnight, Chairman Meow. Goodnight, my love. Goodnight, stars.”

Magnus is pulled into the words, whispering the last ones with Alec. “Goodnight, air. Goodnight, noises everywhere.”

He feels Alec's breath against his ear, exhaling deeply before he moves back to look at him.

“You remember.” Alec's lips twitch into a tiny, sad smile.

“Wasn't I the one who taught you?” Magnus asks, sliding a hand up to cradle the side of Alec's neck, his fingertips tickled by wisps of hair.

Alec nods. “Yes, and we made up our own poem. I'll never forget again.”

The pain of loss so vivid in Alec's deep dark eyes, Magnus aches ineffably and nods, dropping his eyes but Alec's fingers are quick, catching his chin and lifting it up again.

“I love you, Magnus, and that's honestly all I know. And I know it's not fair, I know you're in pain and you're tired, and I wish we could leave right now and just forget... but we can't, and I need you, we all need you and it's selfish and fucked up, but I need you to be the most powerful warlock you can be, I need you to be smart and cunning. I need you to be Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn and even more so the son of a great demon, and I need you to tell us what to do so we can help you save everyone. We can't do it without you, Magnus, I'm so very sorry, but we can't.”

Alec's eyes are glistening and Magnus feels the dreaded moistness inside his own, Alec's words hitting him deeply, honestly and undeniably. He closes his eyes, their foreheads pressed together as they're clinging to each other.

“Promise me, Magnus, I need you to promise me that we'll get through this and have so much time together after this, promise me or everything's pointless and I could have just die-”

Alec's voice is painted with tears and agony Magnus can bear even less than his own, and he holds Alec's face in his hands, his lips silencing him urgently, unable to cope with just the thought.

He shifts back slightly, his lips moist with salty liquid from Alec's mournful, yet beautiful eyes.

“Shhhh, my love, it's okay, it's okay, I promise you, we will overcome this, too, just like everything else, we will fight and we will succeed, battered and bruised but alive, and we will mend and be together, we will, I promise, we will.”

A single tear frees itself from the pool behind his eyelids and trails down his cheek.

One tear, the rest is for after.

Magnus lets his lips dry every tear stain on Alec's face before they're gazing again at each other, breathing as calmly as they manage, Alec's expression determined, unable to lose his only thread of hope, to hold Magnus to his promise and Magnus nods in understanding, summoning enough strength to not let Alec down.

They kiss for a last time, embracing each other desperately, remembering that as long as they have this,  _anything_ is worth enduring to come back here, to them, to each other's arms and love.

* * *

As they step out to face the others, they're locking eyes once more. Magnus feels shaken at best, but knowing Alec's the same, knowing as long as he won't stop fighting Alec won't, is all he needs to know.

Ragnor approaches him first. “For a moment I thought you'd lost your marbles completely now.”

Magnus raises an eyebrow at his friend's out of bounds remark, ready to snap for a second before he notices the extensive worry in Ragnor's eyes, remembering this is his way of showing how much he cares.

Magnus smiles gently and cradles Ragnor's neck with his hand. “Just for a very short moment, my friend.”

Ragnor nods in understanding, then their attention is taken by someone shouting Magnus' name. Luke and Raphael are rushing towards them.

“We came back when this thing appeared.” Raphael gestures to the whirlwind amid the city in the distance, the sight making Magnus' stomach drop but he's not going to falter again – or completely lose it.

“The warlocks are taking their positions and the vampire and werewolf reinforcements we called on have arrived, and Shadowhunters from Alicante should get here soon, Brother Enoch is making sure of it.”

Magnus nods gratefully at Luke, glad he was efficient and sensible when he himself was not.

“We should make sure that every warlock has at least a couple of allies close to them when we need the spell. As soon as it ends they'll be defenseless and we can't let them come to harm or worse.”

Luke nods and walks off, no doubt arranging it right away. Magnus spots Maia and Lydia and suddenly remembers.

He steps forward, clapping his hands, the sound rolling into everyone's minds, voices dying down as their attention is concentrated on him.

“Everyone using the Alliance rune, come closer.”

The small group of people is quickly gathered around him and he wishes they could have shown others how to use it, but what ifs are banned from his thoughts for the time being.

He's about to explain why he called on them when loud steps, heels clicking, through the hall resound and his own attention falls on Maryse Lightwood who's marching towards them, exuding determination and vigor.

She halts close to the group, frowns a moment and meets Magnus' eyes. “Please continue.”

Magnus' eyes narrow, his brow furrowed in puzzlement but there's really no time to figure her out, he's been trying to fruitlessly for a long time.

“I've been... experimenting with rune magic a while ago...”

He ignores Maryse's suddenly boring, no doubt disapproving, stare. He'll soon have way bigger fish to fry. He finds the thought oddly amusing but forces himself to stay on point.

“Long story, short, I can probably expand the runes' lifespan and strengthen your abilities, so whoever trusts me with this, stay here and everyone else should take a step back.”

He waits for a couple of seconds, no one moves and though it probably shouldn't, it surprises him and oddly warms him. Then he frowns at Maryse, who hasn't stepped back either, if anything even came closer.

“Maryse, you didn't use the ru-”

She holds up a hand and then takes a steady look around, quickly finding what she's looking for.

“Hey, you!” She whistles loudly, gaining the attention of a tall, incredibly well-built werewolf who walks over steadily.

“What's your name?”

“Dan.”

“Man enough to partner up with me for this alliance?”

He gives her an unimpressed look. “I'm certainly strong enough.”

She smirks without humor, going for her stele.

“Maryse, there's no time to practice your transformation.” Magnus warns, already knowing she won't much care.

“We're good.” She glances at Dan to see him nod in agreement, grabs his arm and draws the rune and waits for him to do the same, a little sloppy but good enough, then they step closer to the others.

Alec, Jace and Izzy have been sharing unhappy looks, but they know their mother too well, and they've given up arguing with her no matter the topic. Secretly Alec feels something like gladness, he prefers seeing her in soldier mode than how he found her upstairs earlier.

Magnus shakes his head but doesn't waste any time, spreads his arms and recounts the spell he created years ago, icy blue magic coiling around his hands like smoke that soon segregates into several strands floating towards each person, circling over their runes, making them glow white the moment it touches them. Then it's done.

“I can't say for certain how much longer they will last, hopefully long enough, oh and the magic will only be activated with everyone's first swap, keep that in mind.”

He gets smiles and thanks and feels Alec's hand on the small of his back, making him feel more secure, stronger.

Catarina appears from upstairs and they head towards her.

“Max and the cats are safe in his room, the spell will conceal them for at least a day and he knows the secret entrance to the tunnel out of here should they need it, and how to get to my place.”

“How is he?” Robert inquires, relieved but still concerned.

“He's very brave, as usual.” Catarina reassures him, Maryse, Izzy, Alec, and Jace who all seem more at ease, knowing Max will at least be safe.

“Thank you very much.” Robert takes and squeezes her hand for a moment before he steps away again.

“We should leave, we don't know what's already out there.” Maryse suggests matter of factly, but Magnus shakes his head slowly.

“They're not... I would know.” Maryse is the first to look and turn away this time and he sighs inwardly. But he told the truth, he would certainly feel if they had been freed.

“We still have to go, there's nothing left we can do here, is there?” Izzy catches his eye.

He's about to nod when they hear a joyful shout and then see Raj running towards a group of Shadowhunters who just appeared – reinforcements from Alicante, no doubt.

  
Alec recognizes the man with the slightly crooked nose and the big smile who's catching Raj in his arms, lifts him into the air and spins him around before they kiss and he can't but smile, a tender, bittersweet ache in his heart as he finds Magnus' hand and interlocks their fingers. He needs him right here, and he's happy Raj has the man he loves beside him now, too.

Alec nods at Jace before calling on Izzy, Simon, Clary, and Lydia, as well, then tugs Magnus along to where they can speak undisturbed for a minute, it's all he needs.

“I know you're all worried about me, about whatever's been happening with me, and I get it, I'm worried, too... and I just want you to know that... should I pose any kind of threat to anyone, or become a hindrance... I will remove myself and come back here, so none of you or anyone else has to look out for me, just wanted you to know.”

He takes a deep breath, getting those words out anything but easy, so unlike him, but with everything that's happened, he can't trust himself completely, especially not with any of their lives.

Izzy's first to hug him, they all do and he can read in their eyes what they mean to say, what he means to them, and he doesn't need them to say it, words too often fail.

“Alexander.”

Alec turns a little, following Magnus' voice and blinks in surprise when he sees him, holding his bow, quiver and seraph blade.

“They're all enchanted and ready to go.”

Alec smirks softly and takes them from him, feeling more himself when his weapons and gear are in place and then he puts his gloved hands around Magnus' neck, Magnus' arms closing around his waist.

“They're not the only ones enchanted by you.”

Alec's voice is quiet, yet brimming with implications of Magnus' importance to him that sends soothing shivers along Magnus' nape, his heart stuttering.

“After this _moderate endeavor_ we're about to face, I'll give you plenty of time to elaborate on this.”

Sharing banter like this feels odd, familiar yet vulnerable, a little misplaced and precarious. It's something they used to do constantly, something they had lost, but most things aren't lost forever – hope sparks within their battered hearts.

Alec feels it, too, and he presses his lips against Magnus' forehead before they're called by Jace.

“Sorry, guys.”

Alec quickly shakes his head, they all know they have to be focused and ready to confront whatever will be awaiting them out there.

“Everyone ready?”

Jace nods and the hotel is empty apart from the three of them now, a group waiting outside for them.

“Okay, let's do this.”

Alec locks eyes with Jace, then Magnus, taking courage from them both, then they head out.

* * *

“Alec, hey, I'm Imari, nice to finally meet you, heard a lot about you.”

Alec shakes Imari's proffered hand, smiling a little at the tall man – even a little taller than himself - with the disarming smile. They're heading towards the storm, a few of the Shadowhunters that came to help beside them.

“And I'm Magnus, Alec's one true love.”

Magnus moves a little faster, walking half in front of Alec now, reaching out a hand, wearing a smug, slightly amused, but genuine expression.

Alec smirks a little and Imari smiles wider and takes Magnus' hand to shake it. “Heard a lot about you, too, and good to meet both of you, all of you, really.”

“Forgive my cynical being but you seem rather relaxed and definitely too joyful for this gloomy undertaking.” Magnus raises a curious eyebrow at him.

“That may be true. I just don't see sense in giving into fear or despair. I'm lucky I'm alive and here with the man I love, knowing exactly what I'm fighting for, and as long as we're standing, we can be victorious, and that's a much nicer thought than a different outcome.”

He shares a fond look with Raj next to him and Magnus' eyes find Alec's and if there's one thing he can agree on, that's it. He likes this new Shadowhunter, he better stay alive so they can share some stories later.

“By the way, Aline's here. She told me you used to hang out as teenagers.”

“Aline Penhallow?” Izzy asks in surprise, Alec and Jace wearing the same expression, it's been a few years since they even heard from her.

“Yes, that's her, she's been at the Chinese Institute but recently relocated to Idris and her-”

“Quiet!” Magnus raises his hands, making everyone stand frozen.

The whirlwind is right above them, high up in the sky now, surrounded by unnatural flashes and black, white and red smoke.

He focuses his mind, sending out a message to everyone to stay hidden and not come any closer, and to the warlocks to commence with the protection spell.

The ground is broken up, the asphalt and soil sticking out in spikes towards the platform towering in the middle, up where Alistair is. Hellfire looms in the precipice, an army of demonic eyes gleaming within, a stark and ominous contrast to the tender snowflakes falling around them.

“They're waiting for his order, meaning he's still busy with the summoning ritual.” Magnus supplies, glancing at his friends behind him.

“Okay, let's fight a way through those demons and get up there.” Jace is ready, his blade drawn, but Magnus puts a hand on his friend's arm, pushing it down gently.

“No, not a good idea. I'll try to talk to him first, maybe there's something he's still susceptible to.”

“Magnus-” Alec steps forward, meeting his eyes.

“It's OK, love, I'll be careful and hopefully by the time I'm done, whatever the outcome, the protection spell will be enforced. Let's see how it goes.”

Magnus tries to appear light-hearted, but Alec doesn't need any more training to see right through him. Coming face to face with his father would be tragic to say the least, especially if someone like Alistair could truly control him.

Magnus caresses Alec's cheek for a fleeting moment. “Stay safe.”

He glances at the others, snaps his fingers and is gone.

* * *

He appears on the edge of the platform, his eyes widening with another surprise. The warlock twins, Sanjit and Samara, are here – but not voluntarily. The tall demon, who's seemingly Alistair's lapdog, has Sanjit in a grip, even though he seems rather out of it, his limbs hanging downwards, his eyes closed from what Magnus can glimpse, all of them having their backs on him.

Samara is chanting something he doesn't understand, but he understands that she's draining Sanjit's magic, has to, to be able to use their combined power for this spell Alistair makes her perform. The stones are afloat in front of them, blue, green and black magic winding around them and high up into the sky, into the storm's heart. It's not too late, yet, if he's very careful he could-

“Come to say hi to daddy?”

Alistair hasn't moved an inch, isn't looking at him, unlike the huge demon whose red eyes are now boring into Magnus, though he's not fazed by it. What sends icy prickles along his skin is Alistair's voice and those words. He could sense him and he knows about Asmodeus, of course.

Magnus shakes it off and steps closer cautiously, meeting Samara's wide, frightened eyes for a moment.

“You're too late, warlock, it's done, the gate is open.”

Alistair turns, the Cup tightly in both of his hands before his chest, his eyes blackened.

Magnus fears he's too consumed by the scathing power he's had for too long, too tainted to be reasoned with.

“I know what the Clave did to your family, Alistair, everyone knows, they're being punished, they're powerless and they will have to answer to their crimes. You can end this right now. You made your point perfectly clear, you don't want to destroy everyone, if you do who will suffer for your parents' deaths?”

To his surprise Alistair is quiet, watching him, or looking right through him and Magnus takes another step closer, hope that he may actually succeed in this wanting to burst his chest.

“I would have had a sister.”

Magnus freezes, his eyes narrowing.

“My mother was pregnant when they left them to die. They didn't just murder two of their own, but three, and no amount of suffering will be enough to atone for that.”

A sister? What? The Queen must not have known, or did she keep that from them? No matter the truth, he needs to act quickly.

“I am very sorry for your loss, Alistair, we all are, and if you surrender right now, you will be spared, you will get a chance at living again, you could have children of your own, you could be a father and redeem yourself, and that is worth more than revenge and destruction! You can't come back from that, but you can make a differe-”

There's a scream next to them and he catches Samara falling, losing consciousness, and his eyes shoot upwards, the storm gone, an eerie silence amid the blackened sky. His skin crawls eerily as panic wants to penetrate his mind. This is it, if Alistair uses the stones now-

He's already doing it.

Magnus shakes the helpless numbness that threatens to overtake him and quickly gathers magic in his palms, pushes it straight at Alistair – but it doesn't reach him.

It's as if there's an invisible shield protecting him and now the huge demon lets go of the other unconscious warlock twin and stalks towards him, but they're both shocked into stillness with another scream, one of frustration and disbelief and they're both staring at Alistair.

His knuckles are as white as is his pale, haggard face, showing the strain of this unnatural, intoxicating power he's been exposed to for too long.

“It's not working, I can't reach them, this is impossible, I did everything right, I followed every instruction.”

He's talking to himself now, staring at the stones in his hand.

“Alistair, isn't this a sign that it's not meant to be? Take it as a last chance to save your own life!”

Magnus is beyond relieved and stunned that the spell didn't work and that they won't have to face the likes of his father, and he doesn't even care for the why.

He gathers more magic in his hands, flowing up his arms, but he's waiting, the demon is waiting, Alistair is waiting. The air sizzles softly around him with the vibrations of magic, but it feels as if the world is holding its breath.

Alistair turns unnaturally slowly towards Magnus, his eyes veiled completely as they stare into him, robbing his breath.

He holds up the Cup. “Do what you will.”

Magnus pushes his magic with all its might but Alistair and the demon are gone.

Beneath him he can feel hundreds of demons crawling from the precipice.

Next to him the warlocks are hardly stirring, but they're alive.

In his mind, a friendly sense of magic. Praesidium is working.

He moves fast, hoisting up the twins to take them to safety, his mind connecting with everyone waiting.

_Spell didn't work, no princes, we have to fight through the demon hordes, find Alistair, get the Cup. Protection is working for now, better find him while it lasts._

End this once and for all.

 


	48. The Shadow From My Mind

Right above them the sky is like a crater, painted in black, red and grey, not a star in sight. At its edges snowflakes are falling fast, growing in size.

The sound of weapons slicing the air, cutting down demon after demon that’s stupid enough to cross their path. The hellish creatures are unleashed now, not holding back any longer, but thanks to the warlocks connected in magic, everyone’s safe, shielded by their power.

Werewolves, Shadowhunters, and vampires are united in courage, killing with confident precision, making haste to rid their city of this burden, knowing the spell won’t last forever.

Alec and Jace move in natural unison, side by side, their runes pulsating with life, connecting them in a perfect circle, giving them space to keep an eye on their sister, parents, and friends.

Alec’s feeling a strength he hasn’t for the longest time, something so familiar and safe in the way his seraph blade moves in his hands, a quiet, vigorous trust in his skill, in himself, the way his bow weighs on his shoulder, ready to be switched within a single moment, his eyes sharp, his hands steady and calm.

When gleaming red arrows fly through a welter of snow, dust, ichor, and ashes, Izzy’s heart jolts and tightens, a smile on her lips as she beats down another demon. Her eyes find Simon who’s smiling, as well.

Even those who haven’t been a part of their alliance for long can feel the sense of purpose and belonging, the sigh of relief shaking everyone as a deeply knitted lump loosens within them.

Magnus isn’t among them, yet Alec’s not worried, feeling their unique bond in a way that’s different from every other, and he’d fail to find words should anyone ask to explain the sorcerous jitter in his heart, or the sense of Magnus’ presence in his mind, filling him up and over. He knows he’s close, unharmed, looking for the man they owe this fight to, protecting them unremittingly.

His hand grasps for another arrow, sending it whizzing through the air, hitting its goal masterfully.

* * *

Magnus is crouched on a rooftop, snow and wind whipping against his face as he’s scanning the area, making sure everyone’s okay for the moment, while he focuses on part of his inner self, hoping to find a connection to Alistair, or rather his demonic possessions. He figured that Alistair has something else protecting him from his magic, another remnant of Rayna’s blood magic.

He’ll find a way to get past it, too, eventually, but first he has to find him. He’s sure he hasn’t left the site, probably unable to give up on his power, or too eager to witness what he’s unleashed.

Magnus left the twins in Catarina’s care, then took one moment to exhale in stunned disbelief at how lucky they are that they won’t have to face the likes of his father, and left to scout.

Alaric, Luke, Maia and the packs are tearing into any demon crossing their way, Jocelyn, Lydia, and Clary close by, their blades as lethal as the wolve’s teeth.

Raphael and his clan are strewn across the battlefield, fangs and claws leaving no demon alive, and Ragnor’s magical flashes erasing them like balloons popping.

Izzy’s whip is as relentless as her vigor and stamina, her eyes glowing with pride and fierceness, and Magnus catches Simon stealing glances at his girlfriend, pride and awe showing on his face, even though his fighting skills are pretty decent, as well - in Magnus’ assumption.

Raj, Imari, and a bunch of other Shadowhunters are fighting off any demon that tries to get past the inner formation, not wanting to let any creature slip away and get a chance of harming someone outside of the protection spell.

Magnus catches sight of Robert and Maryse, fighting beside a few wolves, and he must admit they haven’t lost much of their skill. They’re fighting with deep determination, but Magnus could only guess what’s on their minds.

He hasn’t lost hope yet that one day they might be able to face each other with more than pretend civility, mostly for Alec’s sake. Izzy’s anger fuels her and makes her stronger, but Alexander is different. He gets angry as well, but in the end it turns to sadness and self-loathing, always blaming himself for anything he can’t seem to fix. And Magnus can’t deny, never has, that he and Maryse have an extraordinary bond, complex and harmful in a lot of ways, and also unbreakable as long as death doesn’t separate them. He wants nothing more than for Alec to have everything he wants, needs and deserves, regardless of him knowing it or not. And he wants to try and unburden him, not straining him more with issues he doesn’t have the power to change. Alec’s already given his all to Magnus and it is enough, more than enough, more than Magnus ever had or deserved.

His heart aches with bittersweet sorrow, pride and endless adoration as he takes a last moment to watch Alec and his Parabatai, and he takes another slow, deep breath and arrives at a decision for when this is over, to get over his extreme selfishness and help Alec and himself to be happy for the time they’ll have. He blinks away a few tears and straightens, standing still, a calmness spreading inside him and he listens closely to his voice within, then vanishes in thin air.

* * *

“Hey, Jace Wayland!”

Jace pierces his blade through another demon as he hears a female voice calling to him. He turns quickly, cutting down a couple more demons in the process, glancing at the owner of the voice, sensing Alec moving to shield his back, and even as he spots the woman, one of the new Shadowhunters, petite but strong, of Asian origin, making her way over, cutting down demons fast and efficiently with her twin swords as she whirls and leaps around, landing next to them. “Or is it Herondale?” She smirks at him and throws a dagger at another approaching demon faster than the naked eye can see.

“It’s Lightwood actually, wait… you’re-” He turns to cut off the head of another attacker.

“Aline?” Alec spots her and ducks, cutting off a demon’s legs before it turns to black ashes.

“The one and only.” She turns, swirls her swords skillfully and punches them into two more demons.

Another woman is approaching them fast now, her seraph sword high above her before plunging it downwards into another enemy, her long, blonde ponytail swinging around her head.

“And that’s my wife-to-be.” Aline smirks at the other Shadowhunter who’s rolling her eyes at her girlfriend before cutting down another demon.

“Isn’t she badass?” She watches her with a look Jace and Alec know only too well and they share a quick smile before they turn simultaneously, killing a few more demons.

“I’m Helen, nice to meet you.” She introduces herself in another quiet moment, then the four of them turn, back to back, taking down more attackers.

“We thought you were at the Beijing Institute.” Jace addresses Aline while punching a demon before slicing it in half.

“I was, but things were getting a bit boring, I needed a change of scenery, a new challenge, like making this gorgeous woman fall in love with and marry me.” They can clearly hear the mirth and amusement, as well as the sincerity in Aline’s voice.

“We’re not engaged!” Helen yells back as she fights with another demon, gracefully jumps onto its back and bores her sword into it’s head.

“Because you keep saying no!” Aline retorts, turning quickly and cutting down two more demons.

“I didn’t say no, I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to marry, if we’d even stay alive long enough!”

“Of course we will!” Aline shouts and with a burst of energy almost dances through the demons separating her from Helen, cutting them down in the process, then grabs her by the waist and presses a kiss onto her lips. “I promise.”

Jace and Alec share another glance, pondering over the same thing as they’re listening and watching while killing more hell creatures.

* * *

Magnus finds him in one of the empty office buildings, and sensing nothing but the demonic stones nearby, becomes even more wary. Alistair is stood against one of the tall windows, looking outside as Magnus approaches him carefully.

“She said your magic wasn’t strong enough to defeat hers, I guess she was right with that.”

Magnus steps next to him, a safe distance away, looking at the man’s profile. His eyes dart down and suddenly he sees the amulet around his neck, glowing a dark-green color. That must be what he’s talking about.

“Can you sense that kind of power? Every creature bowing at your feet, ready to serve only you, the whole world in the palm of your hand.”

Magnus watches him outstretch his hand and takes a step closer.

“You already got proof that it’s not working, your demons are useless now, they can’t harm anyone anymore. Turn yourself in, Alistair. End this charade now before you look even more foolish, there have been a lot more effective villains before you.”

Alistair chuckles darkly, his chest heaves in a sigh as he glances over at the warlock. “There’s never any justice, no one to trust, you should be fighting with us, not against us, you’re one of them after all.”

Magnus’ jaw clenches, his hand forming a fist. “We are what we choose to be, and you can still choose t-”

He freezes as he suddenly senses two alarming things. An enormous demonic presence from up where the crater sits in the sky, and Alexander.

“What is this?” Alistair is asking himself as he watches the sky turn darker, confused as to what is happening as he hasn’t summoned any more demons.

Magnus quickly shoots magic from his hands to confine the man, but it’s truly useless again, and Alistair escapes quickly. Magnus curses but loses no more time and magics himself onto the battlefield.

* * *

The demons keep coming, but the protection spell doesn’t wither, either, and neither does everyone’s spirit.

“Heard from Magnus?” Jace asks while perforating an especially ugly Drevak demon.

“Not yet, but I’m sure we will soon.” Alec answers while sending another Ravener demon back to hell.

“As long as this spell works we’ll be fine, but hopefully we can apprehend the madman soon and send all these demons away, preferably forever.” Izzy joined them a short while ago, having spotted their childhood friend, Aline, and stayed to fight by her brothers’ side.

Jace and Alec can only agree, turning simultaneously, their blades cutting into a large demon that crumbles into ashes instantly.

“Up there!” They hear Clary shout and their heads shoot upwards where a winged demon fast approaches.

“I got it.”

Alec reaches for his bow and an arrow and just when he’s about to let it fly, he starts to shake violently. The bow and arrow drop from his hands and he falls to his knees with a pained groan. His trembling hands grab his head which feels as if nails were hammered into his skull in time of a metronome.

“Alec!” Izzy yells panicked and moves to his side, holding onto him.

Jace almost went down from the impact he suddenly felt, as well, but catches himself just and takes down the flying demon which was about to land. He, Clary, and Luke, who saw what happened, cover Alec and Izzy while she’s trying to find out what’s happening to him.

_There’s a fire seething inside his mind, hotter than anything he’s ever felt, spreading, catching and latching onto every cell, burning him from the inside and all he can do is scream._

_The city is cluttered with fires, ashes raining from the sky, covering everything in a dull, grey sheen._

_It looks abandoned, forlorn. The smell of burned wood and flesh penetrates his senses._

_A giant shadow crawls over the destruction, a giant shadow from above. An eye’s stare pierces him, red and black, reaching for his soul. The sound of large wings and fire._

* * *

“Magnus! He just collapsed!” Jace spots his friend first and makes room for him to reach Alec immediately.

Magnus crouches over his love who’s half lying on his sister now, eyes closed, cold with sweat, his breathing labored.

“Alec? Come back.” His hand is uncharacteristically shaky as he gently caresses a strand of wet hair from Alec’s forehead, watching him intently, willing him to give off any sign that he’s still here with them.

“What happened?” Maryse and Robert ran over as they spotted their son on the ground, looking on with fearful worry.

To their relief Alec’s eyes open slowly and he manages to vaguely focus on Magnus, but it takes him a couple of attempts until he can speak.

“Magnus…” He licks over his dry lips, and blinks, regaining focus and strength and his eyes are suddenly drawn upwards, to the darkening sky, a large shadow approaching.

“It’s… it’s a dragon.”

He finally understands the visions, even back then… the fires, the burning city, the deaths… it was a dragon, _this_ dragon. All he can do is stare until he’s pulled up onto his feet.

Everyone’s gaping upwards now, at the shadow that’s becoming bigger, turning red and gold, four large legs with big claws, a spiked tail and body, eyes ablaze and teeth blackened from breathing fire.

“Impossible!” They hear someone yelling but they only wish it were.

“It must have come through the opened gate.” Magnus ponders, almost as much in shock as the rest of them.

“But I thought dragons were extinct!” Jace looks to him with a mix of shock and fascination.

“Obviously not this one.” Izzy retorts, her arms around Alec who’s too stunned to even speak. How did he know? How could he see…?

There’s no time to find out even if he had a chance, the dragon is fast and lethal… or would be, if not for the spell. But Magnus isn’t sure it’s powerful enough.

“Everyone, get to safety!” Luke yells as loud as he can and they start running but the dragon is quicker and spewing fire left and right, burning demons and houses and it would have burned them too, spitting a carpet of fire over them, but thankfully, the spell is still protecting them.

They reach the back of a huge building and watch as the dragon flies in a circle, other demons trying to escape from it.

“It’s got to have some weak spot, right? Or a weapon or spell to defeat it quickly? Before we burn to a crisp?” Simon looks pleadingly to Magnus, anxious and hyper with adrenaline.

Before Magnus can answer, Alec, who’s recovered from the initial shock, steps forward.

“This isn’t like Smaug from The Hobbit, Simon.”

“I know that, Alec, but I’m kinda proud of you for that reference.”

He grins and Alec scoffs only halfheartedly and turns to Magnus.

“I have not had the pleasure of fighting a dragon before, so this is as new for me as it is for you. However, I’m sure it is not invincible, we just have to kill it before our protection is gone.”

“Shouldn’t that be easy? It can’t harm us right now, so let’s go at it with everything we have.” Jace suggests, ready to be the first to jump on that demon and plunge his blade into its skull.

“Yes, let’s do that!” Aline agrees eagerly while Helen and a lot of the others look rather wary.

“Okay, let’s get up on the roofs and get its attention, we should try an airstrike before close combat.” Magnus instructs and everyone agrees, the first few climbing onto the roofs, as he turns to his boyfriend.

“Alexander-”

Alec holds up a hand. “I should stay on the ground for now.” He feels like a failure saying it, but he did promise and he doesn’t feel fine, not at all.

“Here, take my bow, maybe it can help.” He gives the bow and quiver to Magnus who’s looking at him full of admiration once again.

“Thank you, I’ll make sure you get them back soon.” He smiles softly at his love who nods and meets his eyes, so much on the tip of his tongue but the pressure of time is muting him.

“I know a rather great archer.” They turn towards Aline who’s smirking at her girlfriend. “It would be in the best hands if you allow her to use it.”

Helen blushes, moving her feet awkwardly, her eyes trained on the exceptional weapon.

Alec shares a glance with Magnus and nods and Helen takes the bow and quiver from him with great care. “I promise I’ll take good care of them.”

Alec nods at her and watches the two women leave.

“I’ll be okay, Magnus, go slay a dragon for me, my hero.” Alec manages a grin, though for some strange reason his eyes feel moist.

Magnus returns the smile, cups Alec’s cheeks and drops a kiss on his lips. “I’ll come back to you soon, stay safe, my love.”

Alec squeezes Magnus’ waist before he lets him go regretfully. “You, too.” He watches as Magnus nods and vanishes.

He looks around, his blade at the ready and joins a few allies further out whose task is guarding the warlocks who’re still connected in their magic spell.

* * *

Magnus arrives on the rooftop, joined by Ragnor. “Catarina says the twins are slowly recovering, but a little longer and they probably wouldn’t have.”

He nods gravely, they got lucky again. Hopefully they will now, as well.

With them on the roof are Jace, Luke, Clary, Jocelyn, Izzy, Simon, Aline and Helen while on the opposite building they spot Maia, Lydia, Raj and Imari, Robert and Maryse and a few others.

The dragon is high above, still flying circles, spitting fire occasionally.

“When it comes closer, try to hit it.” Magnus addresses Helen who nods, Alec’s bow drawn, an arrow ready, completely focused.

“And you, my dear.” He moves to Isabelle who’s turned her whip into a spear.

“I won’t miss.” She promises with confidence and Magnus smiles softly, not doubting her.

“How do we make it come to us?” Clary asks as she watches the dragon in the sky.

Magnus looks at the dragon and then at her. “We make noise, of course.” Clary meets his eyes and they share a small smirk.

They all start shouting and Magnus and Ragnor use their magic to amplify their voices, making them sound not only louder but deeper and threatening and just as he’d anticipated, the dragon notices them and swoops down straight at them.

* * *

Back at the hotel, Max, Chairman Meow, and Church, are pressed to the window, watching the battle unfolding at a safe distance. The cats mewl and whine softly and Max looks down at them, standing on their hind legs, their paws pressed against the glass. He knows what they’re meant to do, stay here or run, but he feels that’s not what they’re _supposed_ to do and looking at his companions, they must feel the same way. He steps back and walks a few metres, and when he turns around the cats are watching him curiously.

“You feel it too, don’t you?”

The cats give off sounds of approval, to his ears at least, and he sighs, his forefinger rubbing against his middle finger, a gesture he observed his big brother doing a lot, and started using himself when Alec disappeared to try and comfort himself. It also helps him think, he finds.

He halts, looks at the cats closely and makes a decision.

“Okay, let’s go.”

The cats are on his heels instantly.

* * *

A red arrow flies through the air with almost as much precision and speed as with its owner, hitting its target, just as Izzy’s spear does, both failing to make any damage in the dragon’s hide and they’re forced to duck as it flies low over the rooftop. Ragnor and Magnus shoot as much magic at it as they can before it’s too far away again, but other than an irritated growl they achieve nothing.

“Well, shit, what does that mean?” Simon asks as he stares after the demon.

“It means we gotta switch to close combat after all.” Jace responds, twirling his seraph blade in his hand, heading towards the highest point at the edge of the roof. “Make some noise again!”

The dragon doesn’t put them on hold for long, turns his huge body rather gracefully and steers back towards them, spitting a wall of fire which heat they feel but it doesn’t burn them. None of them get a hold of it though and they have to try again.

“Isabelle, may I borrow your whip?” Magnus takes it from her offered hand and magics it into a long, thin but nearly unbreakable, coil of rope and when the dragon flies past again, he throws it and they watch as it snakes itself around the dragon’s hind leg.

“Hold on!” He grabs Izzy’s hand, Clary and Jace catching on quickly, grabbing onto her and each other as the dragon takes off with them, everyone else watching on stunned, or a little envious.

Magnus makes sure his hand, tight around the rope, is secured by magic before he looks down at his three friends, harsh wind lashing all of their faces. Blue sparks curl around Izzy’s and his hand, moving towards Clary’s and Jace’s, making sure they won’t fall.

“I’m going to hoist you up!” He shouts before flexing his arm muscles, his body tensing and with one strong move, pulls them and sends them flying onto the dragon, where they all catch a hold on its fiery, spiked skin and climb onto its back.

Magnus follows quickly, turns Izzy’s whip back into a spear and hands it back to her.

“Thanks, dear.”

“You’re welcome, now what?”

They’re crouched, holding onto the dragon’s spikes as the wind with the creature’s movements is even stronger up here and could easily send them falling.

“I think its head is our best option!” Jace shouts over the whooshing noises and dragon growls and Magnus nods at him.

They move forward slowly and carefully, but Magnus’ hope of the dragon being unaware of their presence gets crushed quickly. It suddenly soars straight up and they just about manage to hold on, Jace grabbing Clary as Magnus tries to use magic but with his hands occupied, tight around a dragon spike, it’s very difficult. Their legs are dangling in the air and the dragon is still soaring, suddenly twisting like a whirlwind and the next moment crashing downwards faster than before, leaving the four with squashed lungs and agonizing pain in their arms as they only just manage to hang on.

The moment the dragon flies evenly again, they get to their feet and run for the head.

Magnus quickly scans it for any weaknesses with his magic but finds none, its shell seems impenetrable.

“No choice but to go for the eyes, be careful, and strike at once!” The Shadowhunters nod at their friend and Izzy moves with Magnus, while Clary and Jace move to the other eye, their blades drawn, wary of the dragon’s movements.

It’s eyes flick towards them, red and golden, staring into Magnus’ soul. He swallows and gives the sign. He blasts magic into the pupil while Izzy plunges down her spear just as Jace and Clary pierce the other with their blades and the beastly roar of wrath and anguish that echoes over the area is deafening.

The dragon winds itself in torment, then crashes to the ground, taking a few dozen buildings with it. The four manage to jump off and roll onto their feet, unharmed and shaken, watching the giant creature in its defeat.

Magnus feels a pang of regret and guilt, if there’d been any other way to get rid of it he’d have preferred to not kill such a mighty beast which came into this world without any fault of its own.

* * *

Alec, as everyone else, has been watching the spectacle from afar, running towards the crash site the moment the dragon hit the ground to check up on the others. He’s more than relieved when he sees them alive and well and tries to hug them all at once.

While others join them to watch and ask questions, Magnus pulls Alec to the side into a proper embrace. “There you go, one dragon slayed for my prince.”

Alec smiles a little but he can hear the weariness in his love’s voice and squeezes him a little more tightly. He wants to retort something, maybe something funny or witty or just thanking his ‘hero’ but all that comes out in a breath against Magnus’ ear is a simple, “I love you.”

And it’s all Magnus needs to hear, truly, the tightness in his chest easing and he relaxes against Alec.

“There are still plenty of demons left that will come back now that the dragon’s gone.” They hear someone explain and part to look around, the threat not gone, yet.

“We better get rid of them as quickly as possible, and what about Alistair?” Maryse arrived with the others from the roof and looks mildly impressed at the dragon slayers.

Magnus straightens and is about to answer when he feels a hand, Alec’s hand, on his shoulder. He turns to look at him a little puzzledly.

“Magnus… why hasn’t the dragon, you know, disappeared in ash or ichor or something?”

He follows Alec’s view to the creature that’s still lying where it stopped moving a few minutes ago.

He doesn’t know. But an ominous sensation creeping up his insides befalls him and he takes a few steps towards the corpse, holding up a hand. “Stay back everyone.”

Most of the others follow his instruction, apart from Alec, Jace, Izzy, Simon, Clary, and Maryse who’re slowly following.

Magnus reaches one side of the dragon’s head, blood spilled from his eye, mixed with snow and dirt from the ground.

He watches and listens closely, but there’s no sound, no motion… until.

Magnus’ eyes widen as he notices the red and gold scales of the dragon’s hide suddenly turn to black until its whole body changed color.

He’s drawn back to the eye, his heart hammering in his chest, his throat parched as he tells himself that it’s impossible, that it couldn’t be true… and then the eye snaps open, a fury of black and red staring at him, _ínto_ him and he can’t breathe.

The next moment the dragon moves its huge tail and gets back onto its feet.

Just as the warlocks protecting them run out of magic and sink to the ground, drained.

The beast’s roar reaches even the furthest parts of the city.


	49. How The Mighty Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I actually managed to write a chapter which is double the size of my usual ones and it felt like when I started writing this story, I couldn't think of anything else but write and only stopped when it was done (with inconvenient but necessary breaks in between) and it felt soooo good... I didn't think I'd ever get that back... 
> 
> And to those who commented... THANK YOU!!! YOUR FEEDBACK MEANS SO MUCH YOU WILL NEVER KNOW AND IT FUELED ME!!! 
> 
> And whoever is still reading and liking this story better thank my Parabeta AlyxHavok because without her the story wouldn't exist and I couldn't continue... I don't know how to thank you myself... I hope you know...
> 
> So this is long and a lot is happening and I hope we managed to squash all the logic mistakes I made, but if not... let me know and I'll see what I can do...

 

_Get the warlocks to safety!_

Magnus doesn't have time to wallow in the shock of this disaster, he mentally reaches out to everyone, hoping they will get his friends away from danger as quickly as possible.

The dragon's tail almost knocks them over, but Jace is quick to push Alec out of the way, his Parabatai too concerned with Magnus' safety as to notice the danger he was in, himself.

The dragon roars again, unfolds it’s huge black wings and flaps them, the air hitting everyone around like a wind gust.

Alec spots Helen and leaps around, reaching out his arms. “My bow!”

She hands him his bow and quiver immediately and he runs to the front of the dragon, notching two arrows.

“Magnus!”

When he spots Alec with his weapons he understands instantly, flourishes his magic and covers Alec's arrowheads with blue flames.

Alec lets them fly, each arrow hitting a dragon's eye perfectly. This time the dragon merely shakes them off, seemingly unharmed.

“What...” Alec's stunned and Magnus is devastated. Dragons are not invincible... he doesn't understand why they can't kill it.

“Make sure you're all safe, Alexander!”

Magnus doesn't waste any more time as the dragon's about to spit a wall of fire. He stands against it, hands held high, a stream of stark blue magic colliding with the dragon's fire, keeping it away from the others. The moment it's gone and the dragon takes flight, Magnus runs and jumps onto its back, takes a hold and looks down at a yelling Alec, staring up at him despairingly.

_I'm sorry, be safe, I'll find a way to get rid of it._

Alec feels out of breath and dizzy with worry, his eyes pulled from the dark shape the dragon is turning into as he flies higher, as he hears people shouting and weapons clashing.

He becomes aware of being surrounded by demons – and several of his family and friends fighting them.

“Alec, above!”

When Luke calls his name he jumps to attention, looking upwards, his body taking over autonomously, notching an arrow and shooting it before he fully realizes that a winged demon was about to claw him.

“You okay?” Jace moved closer to him while fighting several Ravener demons and Alec grabs his blade, plunging it through one of their heads.

“Yeah, but Magnus-” He can’t stop thinking about him on that dragon on his own, fighting their biggest threat on his own, to protect everyone. Alone. Alec never wanted to make him feel alone again, ever… and he failed over and again. He feels almost numb with heartache.

“He'll be fine, if anyone knows how to fight a dragon from hell, it's a prince of hell.” Jace retorts, grunting as he kicks and stabs another pesky demon.

Alec knows that, knows what Magnus is capable of, and still he can't shake this fear and sorrow, that wicked guilt that's manifested in him and just won't let go. Magnus shouldn't have to fight a dragon, a madman, any of this. It's not fair, it's not what he deserves. And he hates that he's down here, and Magnus is up there on his own, even if it was his choice. He always chooses to take the risk for them, for Alec, right from the start, and he doesn't care anymore that they're all willing to die fighting for each other, at some point it has to be enough, and he wants it to be enough for Magnus now.

His hands are shaking and he fists them, shoving it all away. He's no use to anyone like this, he just wants it all to finally end.

“Alec!”

He turns towards Lydia's voice and spots her signaling him behind them where more demons are approaching. He nods and runs towards a house, swiftly climbs onto the first balcony, finds a stable stance and shoots as many demons as he can, several arrows soaring through the cold air every second.

He also takes the time to observe where everyone is. He knows Izzy, Jace, Luke, Lydia, Maia, and Simon are close, not in too much trouble fighting the damn hell creatures.

He finds Clary, Jocelyn, and Alaric not far away with a few vampires and wolves by their side. He also spots his parents, transforming into wolves, and tearing into a couple large Vermithralls, using the wolf speed to make sure no worm-like limb gets away.

When he sees Aline, Helen, Raj, and Imari on a rooftop, fighting more of those winged creatures, he gives up the balcony, jumps down and dashes toward their building, climbs up the fire escape and shoots a dozen of them, with a couple dozen more flying at them.

“How do we stop them for good?” Aline asks while twirling her twin swords, cutting two of the demons in half.

“Kill Alistair, or at least take away the Mortal Cup!” He ducks quickly, giving room to Helen to stab another flying demon that came a bit too close to his back.

“Thanks.” “Welcome.” They share a quick appreciative look before fully focusing on their task at hand again.

Alec has no idea how to find the man, and without Magnus around... he also hasn't seen Catarina or Ragnor, and they're most likely busy healing and fighting somewhere themselves.

“Shit, it's coming back!” Raj yells and everyone's looking up at the weird looking sky, a huge shadow getting closer fast.

_Magnus!_ Is all Alec can think but before he has time to look for him, the dragon's mouth and nostrils flare up and they have to jump from the roof before they get burned alive.

The dragon takes the whole building with it, debris falling all around and the moment Alec hits the ground he has to roll away, jump back onto his feet and run to not get hit or buried.

Masses of dust and dirt surround him as he's looking for the others frantically, more than relieved when he spots them, but Imari's hurt quite badly, bleeding from a deep gash in his leg, supported by Raj and Aline, Helen by their side.

“He saved me, if he hadn't pushed me out of the way I'd be crushed.” Helen's visibly shaken and Aline looks at her girlfriend's savior with unashamed gratitude.

“Let me heal you, I can...” Alec stares at his hands, the new rune, binding him to Magnus. No, he can't use Magnus' magic, not while he's on that dragon...

“It's alright, I’ve had worse, the Iratze will do for now.” Imari smiles earnestly at him and Alec feels weirdly bizarre in the moment. The whole situation is as crazy as his nightmares, his mind struggling to stay within reality.

* * *

Magnus moves to the dragon's head, his magic keeping him firmly on its shell. He needn't wonder whether his presence is perceived, it knows.

When Magnus leans over its head to see his eye, the red and black pupil is trained on him, and he feels something like a soft jolt inside him. Similar to when they summoned the memory demon and Alec took a hold of his hand. He feels this is a rather unsuitable comparison, yet it's true. There's something about this dragon, something about the way it gazes right into him. He moves backwards again and tries to think of a plan of action. He has to defeat this demon, and he just can't think why it seems so impossible.

_Because you're weak._

He swallows down the hurt the voice in his head brought and tries to focus on the task at hand.

_You could barely defeat it before, how do you think you will manage now? You like to pretend to be all high and mighty, until you reach your limit. Giving up now is just as well._

Magnus clenches his teeth, attempting to shake it off. He's not giving up. He's not too weak to do this.

_You barely defeated Rayna, you couldn't have without so much help. You stumble on and on blind, getting lucky but what if your luck's run out? What if you're not great enough to be the persona you created for yourself? What if you're done, right here, right now. You can't fight Alistair, you can't fight this dragon, you can barely hold on._

He closes his eyes for just a second, bending forward, his insides brimming with cramping pain.

_You're not enough, you never will be.You're a joke, a trickster, and everyone will see it now. You can't save anyone, you hurt those you claim to love, you're selfish and eccentric. You should save your own skin before it's too late, good-for-nothing. You couldn't even save him! You couldn't even find him! He's better off without you, they're all better off! Your own family didn’t want you. No one needs you, no one chooses you, no one wants you!_

Magnus hears a scream, and when he opens his eyes he comes back to the present. His chest is heaving as if he'd exerted himself immensely. He's trembling and sweating, his eyes moist and burning, and when he moves forward again, locking with the dragon's boring stare, the pupil suddenly changes, a golden cat eye gazing back at him. He blinks startled and pulls back, catching his breath. Is he going mad?

“What are you exactly?”

He's not sure whether he's talking to the beast underneath him or himself. He breathes in and out slowly, and just when he thinks he's calm enough to finally do something, the dragon changes its flight, plummeting downwards. Magnus feel as if he’s inside a whirlwind.

“Noooo!”

He sees the five people on the roof but there's nothing he can do as the flames engulf everything and the dragon's enormous, invincible body destroys the building. He looks back frantically to try and see them, but there's only dust and smoke, dirt and ashes.

“Stop doing this, this isn't your world, you don't belong here! Go back to where you came from!”

He shouts at the dragon's eye, the reflection of his own gone, and it moves again, watching him. He has no idea whether it understands him, and it doesn't seem intent on ridding itself of him, at least not yet, but it does seem intent on destruction.

Magnus acts quicker this time as the dragon flies low, leaving a trail of lethal fire in its wake. He manages to counter some of it with his magic, saving a few allies from certain incineration. But it's not enough, not nearly enough, and he feels it in every part of his being. And yet he feels helpless as to knowing how to change it.

The dragon soars again, turns and flies back down, spitting as much fire as it can, and apparently it's not going to run out of it any time soon. Part of the city is lying in ashes, burning in countless of places within no time and Magnus is yelling at the dragon with sheer desperation, using his magic as a shield as much as he can, but anything else he tries turns out fruitless, and he can only hope his wounded friends and allies will find help fast. He doesn't know whether anyone's dead, can't even think about it, needing to trust everyone to help each other and find shelter.

He tries to paralyze it, burn and freeze through its hide, blast a hole into it, nothing works and the dragon just seems to be spurred on to show Magnus how futile his attempts are by causing more havoc. It could be a game to it for all Magnus knows, maybe it’s laughing at him, he wouldn't be surprised.

He would laugh at himself if he weren't so depleted, mentally as well as physically.

Maybe this is truly the end. Again the dragon soars, leaving Magnus to rest for just a moment.

_Magnus?_

He frowns, looks around, but there's no one here with him. But that voice...

_Magnus, are you okay? Please, answer me!_

Alec? But that's... Magnus didn't create the connection, or did he? Maybe he did subconsciously... or the rune bonding them is responsible, or... he doesn't even care. He feels like breaking down, right here, riding on this damn dragon.

_I'm here._

He can hear the relief in Alec's voice.

_Thank fuck, Magnus, I was so worried, I couldn't reach you before and everything's... are you alright? What can we do to help?_

Magnus closes his eyes, sinking into himself. Alec's palpable concern for him and his unshakable belief that Magnus knows the answer bursting the rest of his self-control, shattering him.

He gasps and falls forward, his torso and head hitting the dragon's head and he just keeps lying there.

* * *

_Magnus? Magnus!_ Alec's fighting his imminent panic when Magnus doesn't answer him anymore, but he tries to swallow it down. He's probably doing something important... protecting them as always. Alec can't lose his head.

“Did you reach him?” Izzy's next to him, applying an Iratze to Simon's arm where he got burned helping a wounded wolf to safety while Izzy was using his vampire speed and strength to catch a burning tree before it could crush an injured Shadowhunter.

Catarina and Ragnor have been doing their utmost to glamour the battle ground, heal the wounded and protect them when they could, and the warlocks were all brought out of the danger zone in time, thanks to their careful planning. But there are still too many demons around and the dragon seems beyond control, though Alec knows that's not true, Magnus will find a way – he can't think what would happen if not, so he doesn't. And Magnus' magic saved more than a few of them already. Whenever he saw the blue light among the fire he felt hope and did his best to fight on, as long as Magnus does, so will he.

“Have you seen your mother or Jace?” Robert joins them, having looked for his children and wife everywhere, relieved to have found the two of them finally.

“Jace is okay.” Alec offers immediately, not knowing where he is exactly, but sensing him well enough to know he's not in any danger just now. Earlier the dragon fire almost hit him full force as he threw himself in front of a couple wounded allies and without Magnus' magic... Alec really doesn't want to think of that, either.

“I haven't seen her since the dragon came back to life.” Izzy says and helps Simon back on his feet as he shakes his head.

“I thought she was with you.” Alec states, looking about to make sure they're not being ambushed. The dragon's still not back, which means the other demons could resurface any second.

“She was but we got separated, but I'm sure she's alright. As far as I saw, everyone too injured to fight made it out.”

“That's good, how many do you think are left?” Alec continues to canvas their surroundings from the broken window of their hideout. The quiet unnerves him almost as much as the ravage. It's darker than before, no more snow falling and that on the ground got burned away. There's smoke and a few small fires gleaming in the night, in his line of sight.

“Hard to say, maybe half.”

Alec tries to not feel discouraged by this, and even if he did, he doesn't have any time to waste as an all too familiar shadow looms on the sky above them.

“Magnus.” He whispers, closes his eyes for a moment, inhales and takes courage.

* * *

_"You’re afraid, afraid of becoming what they say you are. What you don’t understand is that you’re not becoming anything, you already are. All you have to do is accept that and embrace the power that will be unleashed inside you, and use it. Fear will smother your might, learn to conquer it and you’ll be invincible. You’re Asmodeus’ son after all.”_

He can feel the wind in his hair and on his face, and he can hear the sound of enormous wings flapping.

Magnus opens his eyes, blinking the haze away as he sits up and looks around. For a split moment he may have believed he dreamt all of it, but he’s undoubtedly sat on a dragon, flying high in the sky, to his surprise a strange calmness claiming him. The dragon seems at ease, flying steadily in big circles above the battle ground.

Magnus frowns and stretches his upper body until he can see its eye. Golden feline-like, he blinks and it’s gone. What does it mean? Asmodeus? Did he dream of him? Did he fall asleep? Impossible… what’s going on? Alec… he was talking to him… and then… “I’m afraid… I’m… after all that time, am I still that scared of my heritage?” He sighs and runs a hand through his disheveled hair, looking down at the dragon’s head. “Have I gone mad talking to a lindworm?”

The dragon puffs heavily and spins its body into a spiral abruptly, giving Magnus barely a second to stay put. And he slides backwards until he finds a new hold, waiting until the dragon stops and flies horizontally again. He climbs back to its head and stares into its eye.

“So, you do understand me?”

Magnus frowns and sighs and sits back again. What is he going to do with that information? Even if the dragon does, he can’t talk to him, he tried in every way he’s capable of.

“I just don’t understand, what does this mean? What do you want from me? Why are you letting me ride you and why can’t I do anything?”

Magnus feels frustration and exhaustion taking him over once more. He’s no closer to an answer and how long is he supposed to stay on this creature and do what exactly? He’s useless, he’s weak, he’s afraid, and he doesn’t know anything.

The dragon gives off a sound like a growl and changes its direction once more, steering downwards again.

“Damnit, no, stop doing that!” Magnus prays everyone’s run away by now so no one’s even left to get into danger.

His hopes are crushed immediately as he spots a few figures on the ground and seeing who they are makes him want to succumb to despair once again. Jace, Clary, Izzy, Simon, Alec, and Robert are down there, seemingly just waiting to be barbecued.

_Alexander, what are you doing? Get out of here, all of you!_

_Not without you, Magnus, not before every threat is eliminated._

Magnus shuts his eyes in defeat. Stupid, stupid man. He truly couldn’t love him any more. He braces himself and tries once again to use his magic to stop the dragon, expecting the worst, shocked into a frozen state when it doesn’t spit fire and flies past them.

Magnus stares and moves to meet its eye again. “What… are you toying with me?” It’s really as if the dragon’s playing with him… with the lives of the people he cares about. What a bastard.

“This isn’t funny, don’t try that agai-”

The dragon turns quicker than Magnus would’ve thought possible, dashing down with lethal precision, letting its hellfire rain down on everyone and everything in its path. Magnus screams, bending backwards to see if it got anyone but all he can see is smoke and vigorous flames.

His insides coil with dread and fury, boiling with anger at being played with like a puppet, at being so fucking helpless. He is not.

_“You’re Asmodeus’ son after all.”_

He feels like he should recognize the voice, but his focus shifts. He can feel his skin crawling, something living and livid beneath it, struggling to come out, his mind sharpens, every lock within him is shattering, pushing himself open and deeper inside, to the very last part he’s never opened before. Always in him, always hidden. _What do you have to lose?_

_“Unleash it.”_

He closes his eyes and listens to the whispers, the ancient chants in his head, the images of a world he’s never seen but belongs to him. There’s liquid dark smoke surrounding him, pouring from his skin, his fingers, mixing with dark blue energy, igniting on his in- and outside - and he’s surrendering completely for the first time in his life.

The dragon dives to attack.

Magnus waits for the right moment.

The dragon doesn’t see him coming. In a flash he’s in front of it, floating a few feet above the ground before its head, arms outstretched to the side, black and gold colored eyes drilling straight into it, and before it has chance to spit even a flame, he thrusts his hands forward, black and red flames shooting from his hands, hitting the dragon’s snout and head, forcing it downwards where it collides with the ground, leaving a deep trail as it gets pushed backwards until it lies unmoving.

Magnus emerges in front of it, their eyes connecting, binding. He understands now. The dragon puffs and stands slowly, bows its head and accepts the hand Magnus places on its forehead.

“Go back home.”

He steps back and moves his arms fast in a big circle, conjuring a portal-like energy field, consisting of black smoke and golden lights that envelop the dragon. When he lets his arms fall to his sides, the energy vanishes and the dragon with it.

He turns, his rousing gaze locking onto a pair of stunned hazel eyes.

* * *

They were waiting for the dragon to attack, confused when it looked as if it was just flying casually above the city. Alec tried to get through to Magnus again in vain. Jace and Clary who had helped fighting a few Kuri demons that crawled out of hiding, found them quickly and together they waited, watching the majestic creature in the strangest colored sky they’d ever seen.

When Magnus finally spoke to him again, Alec felt a rush of joy and relief so powerful he almost didn’t care for the dragon flying at them to attack and when it didn’t, it left them more baffled than they’d already been.

“It’s Magnus, he must have found a way to control it.” Alec was so sure, so relieved, until the dragon attacked once more and almost got them that time, leaving Jace, Clary, and Izzy with burns on arms or legs as they were just too close to the torrid flames.

Robert and Alec rushed to help heal them and then they all witnessed Magnus transforming and subduing the dragon.

Alec’s rushing forward until he’s frozen in place, Magnus’ eyes - a vivid and radiant mixture of black and gold, transfixing him, robbing his breath and ability to move. All he can do is stare with reverence upon the man encased in dark smoke, snaking around him like a living being, his skin a shade darker and shinier, exuding an aura of strength, prevalence and unearthly beauty, fatal for any creature incurring his displeasure yet inept to resist his imperious allurement.

Alec’s eyes water, his throat constricting as he tries to swallow, his mouth opening and closing. He feels hazy and surreal.

“Alexander?”

That gets him focused. He shakes the strangeness off and looks at Magnus. His Magnus. He steps closer, taking him in again but all he really needs is to see his eyes.

He stops before him, a tension filling his body he can’t rid himself of.

“It’s still you, right?”

Magnus nods, the smoke slowly subsiding into his hands. “It’s me, all of me.”

He’s never seen Alec look at him with fright or revulsion and even now he’s not seeing any of that in his lovely, expressional eyes.

Magnus doesn’t know how he feels deep inside, away from this fathomless power. But seeing the joyful awe in Alec’s eyes helps to ease his unrest.

He holds his breath as Alec steps closer, hesitating, asking for permission and when Magnus grants it instantly, he places his hands on Magnus’ arms, sliding them upwards to his shoulders and down again, reaching for his hands where black and dark blue energy still floats around his fingers. When Alec touches it Magnus can feel the shivers running through the other man, causing a shudder in himself, and when Alec gifts him with a smile so sublime and loving, Magnus knows nothing will ever be more magnificent and tremendous to him.

Their hands tightly entwined, Magnus is drawn even closer to the man who looks like he’s gone through hell, his clothes ripped and burned in places, a sheen of dust and dirt covering him from hair to boots, his face drawn, his hands covered in welts and scratches, weighed with an enormous exhaustion underneath the verve of the moment. And yet, to Magnus, he’s ineffably precious.

Alec moves as if pulled by an invisible cord, their foreheads pressing together, his eyes closing as he exhales what feels to him for the first time in hours. His nose slides along Magnus’, his lips eagerly awaiting, pushing forward to finally connect with his love’s, their hands separating as they’re embracing each other tightly.

* * *

Alistair’s been watching in hiding, now stood on one of the remaining rooftops, observing the warlock and his boyfriend in silent but seething contempt. He has never seen a warlock do that, a warlock like Magnus Bane. How did he do it? Where did he get such power from all of a sudden? Why is it working for that Downworlder and not himself? He takes the Cup and holds it out in front of him. He doesn’t have a dragon to control, but he has an army of demons still in his grasp, and he will not be bested by one damn warlock.

To his utmost surprise the demons seem hesitant. He’s never even heard of this, whoever has the Cup is their master and they obey without a will of their own. But not this time and his rage is unfolding. Could it be because they saw what the warlock did to the dragon?

Whatever it is, Magnus Bane cannot be more powerful than him in possession of these artefacts. It is absolutely impossible. He commands them again, more vigorously, and this time they can’t but comply.

* * *

They never want to let go of each other again. They never do, but the moment arises each and every time. Alec moves back just a fraction, drawing air into his lungs, gazing into two golden cat eyes he’s so familiar with, yet never any less astounded by. His throat tickles and he laughs quietly, basking in Magnus’ wonderful smile.

“How are you even real, Magnus Bane?”

He grins and doesn’t let him answer, showering his lips with a dozen small kisses, making them both giggle softly before pressing close again, breathing into each other’s necks.

“What happened to the dragon?” Alec speaks muffled, his lips pushed into Magnus’ skin.

“Oh, he’s sort of a family… friend.” Magnus frowns, but he can’t think of a good way to describe it.

Magnus’ answer surprises Alec so much he pulls back to look at him again, and the way he looks at him is enough to prompt Magnus into an explanation.

“My father created him, I should have realized sooner given the fun he had toying with me.”

Alec nods, understanding at least some of it, but there’s so much more he wants to know, and he’s all set to find out right now.

“Guys! We got company!”

Alec turns abruptly, an arm still around Magnus as they watch a horde of lesser demons come out of every corner, their family and friends moving quickly towards them, weapons drawn as the demons encircle them.

“Get down!”

Everyone complies and watches as Magnus lifts his arms, black and blue smoke and energy gathering in his hands, suddenly changing into red and he moves so fast it’s impossible to see anything but gleaming red streams blasting every single demon into ashes.

“Wow, that’s the most impressive upgrade I’ve ever seen.”

Simon jumps back onto his feet, grinning at Magnus who raises an eyebrow at him, also showing a little smirk.

“Gotta say I agree with him.” Jace pushes some dust off of his jacket, though it’s fruitless as beneath the dust and dirt more dust and dirt appears.

Magnus gives him an appreciative look that turns into one of concern as he rushes everyone up behind him, having sensed more demons. A moment later and they’re surrounded again, this time by more powerful ones. Hydras, Hellhounds, Molochs, Raum, Ravener, Oni, Iblis, Elapid demons, and Imps. What a collection, Magnus thinks, not hesitating long before he gathers his power, draws up a protective shield around them just in case and again blasts red magic into the crowd of hell creatures, enforcing it until every last one is merely a speck of black ichor. He could see the fear in their eyes, and knowing they’re forced to do it makes his skin crawl with wrath. He doesn’t have much love for these creatures, but being used against one’s will is something he abhors deeply, and he knows most of them wouldn’t have willingly participated in Alistair’s crusade.

“Are you almighty now?” Simon is just staring, like the others, thanking invisible powers that he’s able to witness this.

Magnus turns to him, darts his head a little sideways, looking tentative to confirm or deny it. Though he knows something such as an almighty being doesn’t exist, there are always limitations, and ways to bind power.

“Bravo!”

The abrupt sound makes them all leap around. Not too far away, Alistair stands on the shoulder of his huge demon slave, applauding.

“What an entertaining show, congratulations!”

Magnus frowns darkly, catching Alec’s wary glance. He nods reassuringly and takes a step forward, causing Alistair to reveal and grasp onto the Cup.

“I’d be careful now if I were you, Mr. Bane.”

Magnus halts and assesses the situation. As far as he knows everyone is safe and they’re the only ones still around here. He can quite easily defeat hundreds of demons now and he can’t be controlled by the Cup. He still isn’t sure about Rayna’s amulet, but he definitely has a better chance of destroying it now, though his knowledge of blood magic is still lacking.

He could open a portal to get them all away from here and then he has enough time to fight and defeat Alistair, however long that may take.

He’s about to turn back to his loved ones, an arm outstretched to conjure said portal when he senses vast demonic activity.

“Don’t do anything rash now, warlock. Do you really think this is as far as my power reaches? Look behind you!”

And Magnus does, his eyes widening as he sees at least two dozen other demons like the one Alistair’s with, standing on the wrecked buildings. But what sinks his heart and wavers his courage are the people some of the demons have in their clutches. They captured Luke and Jocelyn, Raphael, Maia, Lydia and Raj, Ragnor, Aline and Helen and a couple other friends. Some of them seem barely conscious.

Magnus is boiling with barely contained rage, craving to unleash his full power onto the madman, if only he could make absolutely sure no one would get harmed.

“What is your aim here, Alistair? Do you even know, yourself? Fine, you defeated us, now let these people go! Let’s make it just you and me and all the demons you want!”

Magnus has little hope that Alistair will agree to this, but maybe if he deems himself invincible enough…

Alistair’s hesitating but before he can make a decision, a stream of arrows coming out of the blue is raining down on his demon and him, repelled only by the amulet around his neck, and he uses the moment of shock to everyone to disappear.

“No! Goddamnit!” Magnus curses loudly, cursing himself for having missed the moment to strike, then turns to the others who are joined by a couple dozen Seelies.

“Meliorn?!” Izzy shouts in disbelief as she recognizes him. “But you were banned by the Queen, how-” He pulls her into a hug and smiles.

“She revoked the ban and set me free, and I gathered a few friends who are willing to fight alongside you.”

The Seelies behind him, standing in two neat rows, are nodding, some smiling. “It’s so good to see you!” Izzy hugs him again then makes space for the others to welcome their old friend.

Magnus feels torn between going after Alistair, which seems like the plausible option, or saving his friends first. If he does go after the madman and makes one single mistake, Alistair could easily order his demons to kill their prisoners all at once. He hates the familiar surge of doubt nesting inside him.

“Hey, you okay?”

Magnus startles and meets Alec’s concerned gaze, the other man’s hand on his arm grounding him.

He nods. “We need to free them, then stop Alistair for good.”

Alec cups his cheek, making him startle slightly, a shiver running along his neck as Alec’s callous thumb gently caresses the skin under his eye.

“You’re amazing, and you always have been, don’t doubt yourself anymore.”

Alec’s softly spoken words have such an impact on Magnus that he feels weightless for a moment, everything falling away, leaving just him and Alexander and his unfaltering faith in Magnus.

He blinks, nods, they hug briefly but tightly, and part again, looking to the others. A few of the huge demons disappeared but Magnus can still feel them close, there’s something different about them but he doesn’t know what it is, yet.

They quickly go through their plan of action and Magnus glamours them all so the demons won’t notice them until they’ll attack, all at once if possible, and with precision to get their friends out of harm’s way as fast as they can.

They find them all with Magnus’ help and wait for his signal, then they attack, defeat them and free everyone confined, taking them to safety.

“There’s something wrong with these demons.”

Magnus hears Meliorn close by and then he notices it too. They didn’t die. They disappeared but they came back, he can still sense all of them.

He quickly connects mentally to everyone.

_These demons respawn. There must be a certain way to destroy them, be careful until we know how._

* * *

Max and the cats reached the battle site a while ago, but the dragon causing havoc made them hide in a cellar which later collapsed partly, and it took all of Max’s strength to dig his way out again.

He got away dirty and with a few scratches and bruises but the cats are fine and that’s all that matters to him, and finding his family.

It’s snowing again where he is, at the edge of where he saw people fighting demons last. He can’t see anyone now, there’s just debris everywhere, smoke, ichor, and ashes.

He stumbles as he can’t see well and when he crouches down he feels something… a leg… he hopes they’re not dead. Someone’s underneath the rubble and he manages to push off some chunks but not the biggest one, but it’s enough to see who it is.

“MOM!”

Max scrambles to get closer, tries his all to push the big block of cement off of her, but he’s not strong enough. She’s not conscious as far as he can tell and prodding her and drawing an Iratze with his stele doesn’t work, either. He dashes off to find help.

* * *

While the demons are distracted by the Seelies, Magnus and the others are taking care of their injured or unconscious friends. Luckily everyone’s coming round quickly and they get filled in.

Luke tells them that miraculously no one has died, thanks to everyone acting so fast and mostly to Catarina who once again impressed everyone with her tenacious healing powers and endurance. Ragnor helped as much as he could until he was needed elsewhere to fight some demons who threatened to attack mundanes, and shortly after he was captured by one of the big demons.

“I will forever regret missing the spectacle of Magnus the dragon rider and conqueror.” Ragnor clutches his heart as he looks mournful, mock-wailing.

Magnus barely grants him a dismissive glance but Ragnor’s happy to indulge. “If you’d told me it’d take a dragon to finally lure that prince gene out of you, I’d have caught one for you, even risking my own life.”

“You’re so heroic, and full of it.” Magnus quips sarcastically.

“Can you believe him?” He pretends to be outraged, turning to Simon, Clary, and Isabelle who’re sniggering and doing a bad job of hiding it, setting Maia and Lydia off, as well.

Magnus looks at Alec who he’s sure is as unimpressed and annoyed as him and is sheer surprised to see the tiny smirk crossing his love’s lips. “You, too, Alexander? I am dismayed.”

Alec tries to hide the smirk and look regretful instead, failing miserably when Jace ruffles his hair and nudges his shoulder, grinning as well. Even Robert, Raphael, and Luke look a tiny bit amused.

“Right, I suppose you’re all out of your minds.” He finishes healing the burn on Raj’s leg who’s also trying to suppress his laughter.

Secretly Magnus is glad, astounded really, by their unimpaired spirits. He hopes there won’t ever come as bad a time again as when they lost them.

Their reprieve is short-lived as he senses Alistair nearing them, bringing more demons.

* * *

Everyone’s wanting to fight again and they pair up in small groups, Magnus staying behind to try and finally get to the rogue Shadowhunter.

The air smells of ice and it has gotten colder, but no one really notices as they’re running once more to battle.

Max just about manages to not get caught by a few demons suddenly crossing his path. He and the cats quickly hide behind part of a wall that’s still standing. When he peeks over the top of it, he finally spots his siblings, but they’re running fast. He races after them with as much haste as he manages, but he wouldn’t have caught up if Alec hadn’t stopped to shoot a few demons.

“ALEC!” Max screams with all he’s got and thankfully his big brother hears him.

Alec is shocked to hear his little brother’s voice, turns and dashes towards him. “Max! What are you doing here?”

“It’s mom! She’s badly hurt, she needs help!”

Alec freezes, white hot fear threatening to take over his mind. “Where?”

“Just beyond that building, something fell on top of her, I can show you.”

“No! You have to get away from here, Max, go to Catarina’s, promise me!”

Max wants to argue but the look on his brother’s face squashes his words. He nods and watches as Alec runs off, then true to his promise runs away from the battle, too. But one of the huge demons was hiding and waiting and grabs him and the cats, their struggle pointless.

* * *

Magnus has to fight through so many demons he makes little way closer to his goal. They’re no threat to him, but they keep coming, the huge ones respawning, creating a hindrance.

And then he catches sight of a few of his friends in trouble, the amount of demons too high to overcome and he blasts through the ones close to himself to get to his friends, then uses his power to protect them, worry gnawing on his mind as he realizes that they’re all slowly but surely pushed back by the creatures, all crowding in on him.

He’s like the center of a wagon wheel, his friends the spikes, the demons closing in on them, shrinking their span.

He does his utmost to diminish as many demons as he can, bolts of red, orange and black magic hitting them as he spins around himself, without harming the others, trying to figure out an escape for all of them, because now his magic is what keeps them alive against the countless threats, and he doesn’t want to risk that. And then he becomes aware of one person missing.

* * *

Alec finds his mother, his head spinning with dread, adrenaline pumping madly inside of him as he pushes against the big chunk of stone and cement, his body strained, his teeth clenched, and when it finally yields he falls to his knees next to her, his hands trembling as he tries to examine her. She’s covered in dust and ashes, small snowflakes falling and setting in her hair, her skin feels icy and there’s some blood, but not as much as he expected, yet she looks…

Maybe it’s internal, maybe her vital organs got crushed, maybe a head injury, maybe… he shakes the panic away and grabs his stele, activates an Iratze and watches, holding his breath for a moment. He thinks she’s breathing but he’s not sure, feeling too panicked, too helpless. He takes a moment to get a grip on himself and draws a heat rune to help her warm up.

“Mom? Mom, can you hear me? It’s me, Alec, mom!”

He hates how frightened he sounds to his own ears but he can’t let himself care. The Iratze’s already faded and he frantically draws another one, then he cries out, gasping as she opens her eyes.

“Mom! You’re alive!” He caresses her hair and face very carefully, blinking away the tears that are threatening to fall furiously.

She tries to speak but barely manages, her eyes eventually focusing on him.

“A-llle-”

“Yes, mom, it’s me, Alec, you’ll be okay.”

“I-... sorry.”

“Shhh, don’t talk now, we can do that later when you’re well again.”

He has to draw yet another healing rune but she’s alive, conscious… but she needs help, much more help than he can give her.

_Magnus! Please hear me, I need your help, please!_

* * *

“Where’s Alec?” Magnus shouts towards Jace while continuing to kill demon after demon, without seeing the end of them.

Jace had noticed earlier that Alec was gone, but before he could look for him the demons overwhelmed them and through their bond he could tell at least that he was alright. He’s concentrating on it now, feeling for him.

“He’s not far, but something is wrong… he’s distraught.”

Magnus is alarmed instantly, but before he can reach out to him he hears Alec’s plea.

_I hear you, what happened?_

_Oh, thank you, it’s mom! She’s hurt badly, I can’t move her, I don’t know what to do, I think she’s dying, Magnus!_

Magnus almost forgets the army of demons around him, ready to rush off to help Alec, but that would be fatal for at least some of their family and friends.

He’s trapped.

_Magnus, please!_

Magnus feels desperate, takes a quick look around and has to make a decision in the blink of an eye.

“Once a path opens every single one of you will run through it, no questions and no hesitation, you trust me or you die!”

His voice booms through the icy air, sure to be heard by everyone. He uses both hands to blast through one side of demons until a path is freed. “Now!”

_Alec, you have to activate the rune and use my magic to heal your mother, do it now!_

To his relief, everyone dashes through it, everyone but one.

“Magnus, what’s going on? What are you doing?”

“Jace, go now, there’s no time! Go!”

For a fearful moment he thinks Jace won’t listen and that he’ll have to remove him himself, but then the Shadowhunter curses and runs after his friends and Magnus gathers as much power as he can to get rid of as many demons as possible to protect everyone in the last seconds he has.

* * *

Alec’s burning eyes widen and he immediately grabs his stele to activate the Alliance rune, but then hesitates.

_Are you safe?_

_Alec, do it! There’s no time to waste!_

_No, Magnus, tell me you’re safe, promise!_

_I will be alright, you have to save your mother now. Alexander, trust me!_

Alec swallows down a sob, hoping with all he can that Magnus won’t be harmed and that he’ll be able to save his mother.

He activates the rune, drops the stele and places his trembling hands over her, and he remembers the feeling of Magnus’ magic running through him, pulsating and living, but this time it’s so much stronger, incomparable, and he feels overpowered by it. It takes him every reserve of strength to focus on healing her, only calming down slightly when finally the blue magic spreads, covering her like a blanket.

“What… your eyes…”

Alec blinks, meeting her eyes that seem a little clearer staring at him. He gets it then.

“I’m using Magnus’ magic to heal you, you’ll be fine.”

He swallows and smiles a bit but he needs to stay focused on what he’s doing, the force of Magnus’ power making him dizzy as it floods through him.

“Magnus…?” She closes her eyes, opens them again and looks up unmoving, causing Alec’s insides to constrict again with worry.

“Look after your siblings… your dad… tell them… I’m sorry.”

“Mom, stop that, you’re going to be fine! Didn’t you hear me? I’m healing you!” Alec can’t keep the panic out of his voice, maybe her injuries are too severe… no, no he can’t ever think like that!

“So many mistakes… so many… I wanted to… provide… you with everything… so you could protect… yourself… your siblings… I wante-”

“Mother, stop it!”

He didn’t mean to really yell at her but he feels like he can barely hold on in any way, and he’s got her attention as she’s again staring at him.

“You’re not dying, do you get that? You’re not! You’re not getting out of this the easy way, you’re not leaving us like this, not before I can be angry at you more! I’ll never ever forgive you if you leave me now, so just be quiet and heal!”

Tears are streaming down his face he barely notices, but his mother’s tears he does, and he wishes he could just hold her, be held by her, and that for once she’d tell him everything would be okay, and for it to come true.

“I’m… sorry… Magnus… my son… make him… happy.”

Her eyes close and Alec screams.

* * *

Magnus made it - almost. He would have if he just magiced himself away before Alec activated the rune, but he couldn’t have left the others.

Incapable of using his magic, he feels like a butterfly forced into becoming a caterpillar, clumsy and stuck on the ground after learning how to fly.

He’s weary, heavy and slow, too slow to get away from the Ravener demon that pierces his hip with its sharp pincer before someone kills it.

Magnus feels as if time moves in slow-motion, voices and movements seem distorted and he looks down, seeing blood, lifting his hand to touch it when he’s suddenly hoisted up and taken away, lost in a daze.

* * *

Jace kept running to get to Alec, the need to find him too strong to stay with the others, they had Magnus, they’d be fine.

When he reaches his Parabatai, he feels paralyzed. Alec’s sobbing over their mother’s body, and his hands are sparking blue… Magnus’ magic…? They used the rune, but then… Magnus… no… he can’t turn back, he can’t save them, all he can do is move and wrap an arm over Alec, fearing the worst when he looks at Maryse.

Alec’s pain and his own shock numb him. Until he realizes something.

“Alec, Alec, she’s not dead!”

Jace moves down over her face to make sure, but yes, she’s breathing and her chest is moving up and down slightly. She’s certainly not well, but she’s alive.

“Jace?” Alec looks miserable, his face smudgy with tears and dirt and red-rimmed eyes.

“Mom’s not dead, she’s breathing, we just have to get her more help, get her to Catarina! Alec, move, I swear she’ll be fine!”

Jace pulls him up, not liking how out of it he seems, and dreading him finding out how he left Magnus. Still he has to hold onto hope. They seem to have gotten one miracle, they just need to get another one.

* * *

When Magnus’ head becomes clearer he understands that one of the huge demons got him and brought him to Alistair, of course.

He notices another one. “Max? Oh no.” He sees the cats and Max in the demon’s control and despairs more, but then he perceives a slight tickling in his fingertips… how long has it been? Did Alec save her? Does he still need his magic? It’s never completely gone as he couldn’t exist without it, but he lent most of it to Alec.

The demons drop the four of them to the floor and Magnus winces with the pain of his injury. His hand and leg are covered in blood and he presses his hand against it. It’s not lethal, not to him, he just needs to regain some strength… his power, but with every moment it surges back into him, he feels more confident. There’s nothing stopping him from ending this crazy man now.

Alistair appears as if called upon, looking very sure of himself. “How the mighty have fallen, isn’t that right, warlock?”

Magnus stays quiet, glancing at Max to make sure he’s okay, planning the best strategy to get him and the cats away, then he’ll deal with Alistair and his demons.

“What, no witty comeback? What a shame… maybe all of this wasn’t in vain after-”

Magnus frowns as Alistair suddenly looks down at the Mortal Cup in his hand, supposedly seeing something surprising. Magnus doesn’t care and focuses on Max instead.

_Don’t worry, Max, I still have my magic, when I give you a signal you get out of here as fast as you can, okay?_

Max smiles slightly and nods, feeling relieved and filled with new courage. He looks to the cats to make sure they understood, as well.

Alistair’s staring at the Cup - more precisely at the stones in the cup that are glowing in a way he hasn’t seen before. He takes them out and feels them pulling him… towards the warlock.

Magnus notices what Alistair’s doing a little too late, not understanding what the glowing stones mean, or why he’s so close suddenly.

The stones keep pulling him, guiding him… to the warlock’s blood. Blood. _Blood._ How did he not think of that? That’s why it didn’t work. Because he needed the blood of… is that why he’s so powerful? Is this warlock-

Magnus doesn’t lose any more time, gathers some of his magic and rips the amulet off of Alistair’s neck, but the man doesn’t even seem startled, instead he stuns Magnus as he pushes his hand right into his wound, and though Magnus leaps away it’s too late.

The stones are pulsating, covered in Magnus’ blood, and it seeps into them, their surface lighting up, blinding them.

Alistair smiles eerily and drops them back into the Cup, holding it into Magnus’ direction.

Magnus has barely time to fathom what’s happening and his first concern is still Max and the cats. He throws the amulet at them. “Run!”

The Chairman catches it and Max and Church race after him as Magnus sends a stream of red and black magic after the demons trying to grab them. The first disappears.

“Stop!”

The second doesn’t, because despite pushing all of his power into the attack, Magnus is incapacitated. He turns and stares at Alistair, disbelief and horror crossing his features.

The man’s smirk is cold and wicked.

“Seems I got my prince after all.”

 

* * *

* * *

 

These artworks I commissioned from the amazing artist @c0ffeebee on Tumblr

[](https://ibb.co/iet36T)


	50. Of Runes, Powers and Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was called 'fucking 50' before we came up with a title. It's the fucking 50th chapter. I don't even know how it ever happened.
> 
> Anyway... it's what it is. Insane thanks to my ever loving, never faltering, extremely supportive Parabeta AlyxHavok <3 <3 <3 don't have words to say thank you for this year and a bit you've been by my side helping me with every little shit I worry about and I worry and whine a fuckload.
> 
> Also a humongous thanks to the readers who stuck by me, especially those leaving comments, it honestly means SO much to even get one word or a smilie, I can't even tell you, I never thought it would be so important to actually be able to write on and on, but it is. It really is. So if you can spare a few words, it's incredibly appreciated!

The smell of snow and smoke is mingling, its bite extenuated as daylight breaks fractionally through dark and light grey clouds, the crater in the sky washed out like moist watercolors on paper.

The destroyed buildings are covered in damp dust and ashes, snow settling in places as soft flakes keep falling.

A Seelie knight crouches atop half of a shattered building, his keen eyes spouting the area. Most allies found shelter away from the battlefield. Most demons were defeated or fled, not a single one remaining in view. Whatever power possessed them seems to have let them go.

He’s not a stranger to the signs of victory, but his exceptional senses won’t let him rest.

A gust of wind pushes through his long hair, turning his attention towards the boy and his two feline friends who come running out of one of the few mostly intact buildings across from him, changing their course as they spot two figures approaching the wrecked city from the east.

He rises and steps off the roof, falling to the ground gracefully.

* * *

Alec and Jace hurried with their unconscious mother to find Catarina, found a couple of friends instead who were looking for others in need of help and got convinced to leave Maryse with them to bring her to Catarina instead, the Parabatai feeling torn between saving their mom and aiding the others fighting demons.

“But when you left everyone was okay, right?”

Alec’s hands are still shaky, his body cold and angst-ridden for his mother whom he had believed to have died because of his inability to heal her. If Jace hadn’t shown up, she probably would have for real, because of his failure to realize what actually happened. He doesn’t know why he can’t trust himself anymore, his instincts, his abilities. It’s like his foundation was shaken so badly the pieces of him stitched together fallaciously.

“I think so.”

Alec turns his head to look at Jace thoroughly, the uncertainty in his Parabatai’s voice enough to pull him from his tormented mind.

“What does that mean?”

Jace glances up at him then his eyes avert back to the street which they’re following with quick steps. “I can’t be fully sure, it was chaos, demons everywhere, trapping us, then Magnus-”

Alec feels a jolt of jumbled emotions from Jace, goosebumps running over his skin, his own alertness heightening, fear pushing to the forefront.

“What about Magnus? What aren’t you telling me?”

Jace’s jaw tightens, his body rigid, snowflakes covering his hair as he stops abruptly and meets Alec’s worried gaze.

“He got us out, and I thought he’d be fine with his magic, but then-”

Alec almost loses ground, his legs giving in slightly as realization hits him. Magnus was saving them and fighting all the demons on his own when he told Alec to use his magic to save his mother. And now…

“Is he even alive?”

The words come out in a harrowing whisper and he feels Jace’s hands grip his arms steadily, his hazy vision cleared when blue and brown eyes come into focus.

“I’m sure you’d know if he weren’t, Alec. He _is_ alive.”

Jace’s conviction settles in Alec, lightening the crushing heaviness he felt a moment ago.

Jace is right, he would know… he doesn’t know how, but he would. He nods and takes a deep breath, pulls Jace into a tight hug for a second longer than he’d planned and then they run to find the others.

* * *

“Aaalec! Jaaace!”

Max feels nothing but adrenaline pumping through his veins, his heart pounding in every part of his body, hot sweat clinging to his skin, fear mixing with relief as he spots his brothers in the distance.

They come dashing towards them as Max is just climbing over some rubble, the Chairman leaping onto Alec’s shoulder just before they reach Max and Church, who stayed by Max’s side protectively, and a moment later Max is surrounded by his brothers’ strong and comforting arms, lifted off the ground between them.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt? Where were you? What happened?” Max hears them both talk over each other, and a tear slides down from the corner of his eye. He’s so happy to have found them, but he quickly calms himself, his full concern on someone else.

“Magnus saved us.”

He’s back on the ground, the Chairman jumping down from Alec’s shoulder and Max takes the amulet from his mouth. “Thanks, buddy.” He pats his head quickly and holds the amulet up to his brothers to see.

“Is Magnus okay? Where is he?” Alec’s words come tumbling out, his body and mind barely able to catch up with the thoughts and emotions crashing over him.

“He’s with Alistair, down in that huge building.” He points to it, watching as Alec doesn’t wait for him to finish but pushes forward, moving and climbing across the debris. “He’s hurt, he was bleeding, and Alistair did something to him, I don’t know what.” Max continues talking to Jace as they hurry after Alec. “And he got that amulet from him, I think it was protecting him, maybe he can kill him now!”

Jace nods, keeping a careful eye on his Parabatai, trying not to let the turmoil he feels from him take himself over, which has been increasingly harder ever since he got him back. But there’s nothing Jace wouldn’t endure for those he loves, especially Alec.

* * *

“Do you think they’ve found them by now?”

Isabelle was deep in her own mind while also watching out of the broken window of the shop everyone gathered in after the demons had disappeared and they couldn’t find Magnus, Jace, or Alec. Meliorn led the Seelies to scout out the area further while the others stayed here to tend to their wounds and take a short respite.

She turns to Clary who approached her quietly, her face paler than usual with worry. She looks beaten and frazzled, clothes ripped and burned in places, scattered with ichor and dried blood, her ponytail covered in ashes, and when Isabelle glances behind her friend, everyone else mirrors her appearance. Without their runes and special abilities, they’d all be wrecked, dead probably, and even with them, she feels rather drained.

But they won’t give up and won’t stop the fight until everyone’s together and danger is averted.

Isabelle smiles and puts a comforting hand on her friend’s shoulder. “I’m sure we’ll see them again soon. They’ll all be okay, no one is stronger than those three.”

Clary raises an eyebrow. “I think you’re forgetting yourself there.”

Izzy smiles a little more, feeling a twinge of sadness which she shoves away instantly. “And you, too, Clary. Everyone here, and out there.” She turns back to look outside, snow steadily falling. Her arm slips around Clary’s waist as they hug sideways.

“Hey, can I get in on this?”

They glance backwards, spotting Simon who puts an arm around them each, smiling at them.

“I don’t want to make the situation better than it is, but it feels like after this victory, our world is finally going to truly change, and we’ll all be a considerable part of that change, and that feels like a great thing.”

Izzy’s eyes lock with Clary’s, and Simon’s words seem to have put a new spark into them.

Luke joins them, standing close behind his daughter, squeezing her upper arm gently. “I think Simon’s right, and I also think you’ll be able to shape this new world in ways no one has had a chance to before, and for once the majority of us will be on the same side, wanting the best for all our people, and I have no doubt it will happen.”

They smile at him, nodding, the atmosphere suddenly filled with a warmth, only hope and confidence in oneself and the future can bring.

Meliorn suddenly appears before them. “We found Max, Alec, and Jace, you should come.”

Izzy startles at the mention of her little brother and everyone else is on their feet immediately, quickly following the Seelie knight.

* * *

When Alec spots Magnus stepping out of a building’s entrance, his heart wants him to leap forward, grab him and crash him against himself.

His instinct freezes him on the spot, chills racing across his body. He can’t read all of the various emotions crossing his love’s face, but all of them scream of dread, crimping Alec’s core.

Alistair’s there beside Magnus, holding the Cup, red light streaming from it, illuminating the man’s jubilant face.

Alec becomes aware of Jace and Max’s presence next to him, he notices movements from his peripheral vision, but he’s fixated on Magnus’ eyes, complete resignation staring back at him, leaving him petrified.

“Alec?” Jace is frightened, looking between Alistair, Magnus, and his Parabatai, trying to get a reading on the situation without letting the numbing despair he feels from Alec cripple himself.

About three dozen people, mostly Seelie knights, arrive on their right, led by Isabelle who started dashing towards them the moment she saw her brothers, not knowing her little brother was anywhere close until Meliorn told them, fear for him curdling her insides.

Alec feels a push in him, making him take a step forward, Magnus’ name a fearful whisper on his lips.

He watches Magnus trying to answer, a movement from Alistair cutting off his words, and still Alec is incapable of comprehending what it means.

“Max!” Isabelle reaches them moments before her friends, flinging an arm protectively around her little brother before pushing in front of him, drawing her blade, trying to figure out what’s going on, the look on Alec’s face sending her into silent panic.

“I’m glad you could all make it to witness me making history. Take their weapons, warlock.”

Alistair’s expression’s one of utmost security in victory, and before any of them realizes, Magnus moves his hands swiftly, everyone’s weapons disappearing out of their hands or from their bodies.

Shock is transfixing all of their limbs, the silence palpable like thick fog in the air between them, Alistair and Magnus. No one’s aware that it stopped snowing.

Izzy’s the first to stir, her head moving slightly to her right towards Raphael. “Get Max out of here, as fast as you can.” She whispers to her friend and shuts down her little brother’s attempt to argue with one desperate look as she pushes him towards the vampire.

Raphael nods, lifts Max up and speeds away.

By now it has sunk in for everyone that Alistair is somehow controlling Magnus, and though Jace has no idea how, he’s able to function quickly. He slides his stele from his pocket, about to activate his Alliance rune he shares with Ragnor, hoping it will be a useful element of surprise, when he hears Alistair’s voice.

“No tricks, warlock, take their steles, too.”

Jace’s stele vanishes and he curses inwardly, fear heightening as he glances up at Alec who still seems sorely shocked.

He looks around quickly, seeing the same helplessness in everyone’s faces. Everything they’ve been through, everything they’ve come across, none of them could have imagined having to fight against one of their most trusted friends, their most powerful ally, the person who’s the main reason they’re alive. It’s surreal, completely impossible, utterly inconceivable, pure insanity, and yet…

* * *

He’s certain that he knows what it’s like to be powerless and have no control over your thoughts and actions, but now, being a true puppet, incapable of moving, even speaking without permission, surpasses everything he has ever experienced before, and even if he could speak, he wouldn’t know how to describe the silent, blinding horror every cell in his body is stricken with.

The spell worked, and all it took was a little blood. The blood his demonic father cursed him with, the blood that might be everyone’s death sentence. He can’t fight it, it’s too strong. He can’t hope for rescue because he doesn’t believe he can be saved from this superior power. He can’t kill Alistair and Alistair can’t be killed, because Magnus himself will do whatever it takes to prevent it, and there’s no doubt in his success.

He has never been his own worst enemy in this capacity, he has never been in a dilemma as grave as this, and for the very first time he’s sure there’s no way out, and he could accept it, if not for all these people’s lives he’s responsible for, all these lives he may have no choice but to extinguish if his puppet master chooses so. He only hopes he will be allowed to take his own eventually, should it really come to that.

There’s a glimmer of hope when he sees Raphael take Max away, and he wishes he could tell them all to run, run as fast and far away as they can, and yet he knows it would be futile should Alistair use him to track them down. He knows he could, no matter where they’d hide. He has never in his life suffered with regret at being this powerful than right at this moment.

What cruel irony he opened himself wholly to protect everyone, just to now be used to destroy them.

He has never wished Alexander to be back where he couldn’t find him, never thought he would, but right now he does. He wants him to go back there, all of them, a place safer than here, where they have to bare witness to Magnus being deprived of his own will and freedom to do anything at all, while simultaneously being wielded as a weapon, worst of all, an all-powerful one.

The devastation in Alec’s face mirrors his own, and he wishes he could do something, anything. _I’m so very sorry, my love._

But he cannot reach him anymore.

* * *

No one seems to know what to do, what to expect. And when Alec suddenly moves forward, directly towards Alistair, fear binds everyone.

“Please, let him go, you won! You can have everything you want! Let him free! Please!”

Magnus crumbles with the impact Alec’s words have on him, the air punched from his lungs.

“And what would be the fun in that? I rather want to see what he can do, don’t you? Hit him!”

The command is directed at Magnus, and though he tries to refuse, he can’t. He can hear Jace’s and Izzy’s screams for their brother, he can hear Ragnor and others shouting Magnus’ name, but no matter how he attempts to fight these invisible strings, he’s unable to.

Red magic shoots from his hand at Alec and it only doesn’t hit him full force because Jace and Izzy grab and throw him and themselves to the ground before it can, while Ragnor uses the moment to attack Alistair, hoping he might help his best friend.

Magnus’ other hand shoots out instantly, however, shielding Alistair from his friend’s magic.

“You’re all pathetic fools, you should run, give us a bit of a challenge before we catch every one of you and everyone hiding away, and we will, now that I have my perfect weapon!”

Jace, Alec, and Izzy are back on their feet, watching stunned as Magnus moves his hands and arms in a circle, black magic like smoke floating around Alistair and himself, taking them both up into the air.

“We have to save him!” Alec pleads desperately.

“We will, but for now, run!” Jace yells at his siblings as well as everyone else as a shower of black and red magic comes raining down on them.

* * *

“Raphael, please, we have to go back, we have to help them!” Max is trying hard not to cry, clinging to his friend’s neck, looking back at the demolished part of the city they just left.

He can’t bear not knowing what is happening to his friends and family, to Magnus, and he has no idea where the cats disappeared to.

“I’m sorry, mi amigo.” Raphael truly is, but if Magnus really is under Alistair’s control, none of them, least of all a mortal boy, has any chance against him.

His plan is to take Max to Catarina and the others, and confer with her about what to do, whether she has any idea, whether any of the other warlocks are healthy enough to help, and then-

The huge demon comes out of nowhere, blocking their way, startling Raphael so much he loses his balance and manages to just turn them so he crashes against the wall of the building instead of Max, who he loses his grip on. Max is quick to react, though, and jumps to his feet. Raphael leaps back in front of the boy, set on protecting him no matter what, but to his dismay they are surrounded.

A dozen of the huge horned demons they were fighting before are now standing around them, and Raphael fears the worst, the only way out climbing the building behind them, but with Max in tow he might not be fast enough.

He has no chance but to try, twists around and grabs Max again, leaping upwards with one hand and he almost caught the ledge of the roof, but the demon is quicker and so much bigger and his large hand catches them and holds them in its grip, and Raphael is sure they’ll be crunched like coffee beans, he can already hear his bones breaking.

“NO! Stooooooop!”

For a moment Raphael is completely disorientated. His life didn’t flash before his eyes, but he never truly believed it would once death found him.

He stares up at the demon, flames dancing in its big eyes. He glances to the side, at the boy, who’s holding up his arms, staring at the demon’s face. He screamed. And the demon… stopped? Raphael ponders whether that is more likely than him being already dead.

Max stares at the creature, his hands balled into fists, panting with the strain of fright of losing his life and never seeing anyone he cares about again. His mind is working on overdrive. The demon stopped. But he wouldn’t have because he shouted at him. There must be another reason.

He becomes aware of something cool and sharp digging into his fisted hand and when he opens it, everything makes sense to him.

“Take us back to the others, this way!” Max commands the demon and the demon obeys, the others following.

Raphael stares ahead in complete bewilderment. He imagined an afterlife to be a little different than this.

* * *

Running and hiding from Magnus is pointless as everyone realizes within seconds. They also realize Alistair is just making him play with them, for now, but his mood could change any moment, and they need to think of a strategy fast.

However, their best shot is Ragnor and his magic, but it is no match for a Prince of Hell, unfortunately, and he uses it to deflect damage on them rather than trying to attack again, which wouldn’t work anyway.

“Maybe I could use the Alliance rune to free him somehow, I need a damn stele!”

Alec’s hiding with Jace, Clary, Izzy, Simon, Lydia, Maia, Luke, and Robert behind a wrecked house wall while Aline, Helen, Raj, Imari, Ragnor, Meliorn, and the other Seelies are taking turns playing distraction. But no one knows what to do about an opponent they can’t, and moreover, don’t want to hurt or kill.

“It probably wouldn’t work anymore, or it would hurt you somehow.” Jace interjects, watching Alec with great worry.

“I don’t give a damn about me, Jace, I just need to get him away from that bastard! There _has_ to be a way!”

Jace swallows down the anger, hurt, and helpless feeling at seeing Alec like this, wishing there was something he could do, while in the back of his mind also wondering what that strange and unfamiliar sensation was he felt earlier when his stele was taken and he was beyond scared Magnus would seriously have to hurt his Parabatai. He felt very odd, and he’s almost used to all these fucked up feelings and sensations by now, but this is new, something he never felt before, and it’s still lingering on, but he has no idea what to do about it, and he really doesn’t have time for that now.

“Maybe other warlocks will know, but it’s impossible to reach anyone, I can’t get through.” Luke gives them an apologetic look, and Alec closes his eyes momentarily, feeling like he’s about to lose his mind completely.

They barely have another two seconds before the wall behind them blasts, debris and dust exploding onto them, and they have to run again.

Izzy is the one to look back, a sense of wrongness befalling her. “Clary!” She cries out, turns on her heels and runs back to where the red-haired Shadowhunter lies motionless between the rubble.

The instant Jace hears his sister’s yell, he’s crushed with another kind of pain. He’s been so focused on Alec, their bond, trying to think of any kind of solution to save Magnus, trying to hold his Parabatai together, he lost sight of everyone else, trusting them to take care of each other.

And now his luck ran out and the fright of losing the love of his life is threatening to shatter him. He dashes back to them, not noticing Alec and Luke doing the same, not noticing Alistair and Magnus coming closer from above, all he sees is Clary lying unconscious, blood trickling from the side of her head, her legs unnaturally deformed as he pushes the remaining wreckage off of her with Izzy’s help.

His instinct is to grab his stele, a new wave of panic washing over him when he remembers he doesn’t have it.

He feels as if he’s sinking into an airless vacuum, voices and noises dying away, only aware of his love lying before him, fading away as he can’t but watch.

He isn’t aware of Izzy, Alec and the others staring at him speechlessly, at his eyes glowing and changing color to gold, at his runes starting to shine like sunlight, the illumination growing, enclosing himself and Clary as he’s holding onto her.

The only thing he suddenly becomes aware of is a soft voice in his ear and as he moves his upper body he’s stunned as Clary sits up and smiles at him as if she’s alright. She _is_ alright. They fall into each other’s arms, and Jace has no idea whether he’s dreaming or not, but if he is, no one better wake him up.

They don’t have time to think of an explanation and their relief is diverting to the immediate danger before them now as Alistair’s bored of watching the scene, intrigued, but not intrigued enough, commanding Magnus to attack.

Magnus is seething with fury and despair, growing stronger the more he’s being used to go after his friends, and with what purpose? They can’t even defend themselves, and he’s rather sure Alistair lost all sense of his actual objective. He just wants to inflict pain to everyone now, at least he’s only using Magnus to mostly toy with them, but soon he won’t be satisfied with just that.

_So that is where you give up? How disappointing, I really believed you were more capable than that._

Magnus startles, confused and alarmed. Where did that voice come from and who is it? It sounds familiar, but he can’t place it. And he doesn’t have any time to figure it out.

Magic pours from his hands, and inwardly he’s screaming for everyone to get away, why aren’t they moving?!

He senses the demonic activity like an explosion setting off an earthquake, his magic beating down on those huge demons Alistair used to fight them before, suddenly in their way, shielding his friends from his attack.

He’s surprised, and joyful for a moment. He has no idea how it’s possible they’re back to help the others, and attacking him, but he’ll gladly fight them for a long time, knowing they’ll respawn and give him, and most importantly, the others time to scheme and hopefully escape.

* * *

“Max? What’re you doing?” Izzy looks as baffled at her little brother as everyone else as he suddenly appears with Raphael next to them, with a dozen demons that seem to protect them from Magnus.

“I can use the amulet to command these demons. That’s why they did everything Alistair wanted, they’re connected to its power. Attack!”

A few more of the demons move towards Alistair and Magnus. “Let’s go! We can chitchat later!” Luke demands and once again they’re running, two of the demons following Max while the others stay behind to fight Magnus.

They join up with the rest of their group and hide underground in a subway station. “Okay, let’s quickly gather information. These demons are a good distraction but probably only for a little while, they’re no match for Magnus in the long run.” Lydia starts without losing any more time.

“And what the hell was that thing Jace did?” Maia supplies, watching him astounded.

“I don’t know, I just… I don’t know.” Jace shrugs, clueless.

“It must have something to do with your angelic blood, we always thought there was more to it.” Clary offers and Jace nods a little, accepting the explanation as it’s the only thing he can come up with, too.

“Your fear of Clary dying must have triggered it, which is good, useful.” Ragnor gets a glare from Jace for his statement, but the gist of it is true.

“Can you activate my Alliance rune?” Alec moves forward, eager at the opportunity, his mind unable to stop whirring, craving guidance in helping Magnus.

“I got my stele.” Alec turns abruptly and watches his little brother take it from his jacket pocket.

Alec’s eyes widen, then he faintly remembers that Max must have left before their steles got taken. It doesn’t matter anyway.

“Thanks!” He snatches it from him and uses it immediately on his rune, watching as it glows white as starlight, relief flooding him so strongly he’s trembling - until the rune burns out a second later. “No, no, no! Damn you, no!” He tries to activate it again and again, but the rune burns out fast every time.

“Fuck!” He slams the stele on the ground, and it would have broken if Ragnor hadn’t reacted as quickly as he did to keep it intact. He hands it back to Max with a tiny smile, aware of Max’s distress at seeing his brother this upset.

Alec’s moving away from the others, his arms flying up, his fingers running fiercely through his hair, pulling harshly as he shoves the tears of frustration and fear from his eyes again.

Izzy shares a look with Jace before she follows Alec, wanting to try and comfort him.

“Is there any rune that could help us?” Ragnor addresses Clary, hoping she might have had a vision or know one powerful enough to withstand Magnus’ might, as small as that chance may be.

“I don’t know, I don’t think so.” Clary hates to convey bad news, but she’s not had a vision since the Alliance rune.

“It’s alright, unfortunately I can’t reach Catarina, her magic isn’t strong enough, and I don’t know whether she or anyone there could help us. We all know how to ban a Prince of Hell, but we don’t want to do that to Magnus, and we also can’t hide forever.”

“Are you starting with the _obvious_ bad news working up to the ones that actually bring us closer to some sort of solution?” Raphael cuts in, scowling at his friend.

“Oh, please, enlighten us, I’m all ears.” Ragnor scoffs back at him, increasing Raphael’s scowl.

“Guys, stop the bickering, we need to think of something that will work, and fast!” Lydia shuts them up with a glare each and turns to look at Alec and Izzy, but her friends don’t seem to have made much progress in calming Alec down. If anything he looks more agitated and worn out.

Meliorn, who slipped away to keep watch, quickly ascends the stairs. “It seems the madman got tired of those demons, they will find us soon if we don’t move.”

He barely finishes his sentence as the ground starts to shake beneath them. “Oh shit!” Jace exclaims, pulling Clary close against himself, not wanting to make the same mistake twice.

Everybody’s trying to get out before the roof collapses over them but they don’t make it and find themselves on the ground between yet more dust and debris, coughing and fighting for air, some injured but thankfully not lethally.

Jace threw himself over Clary and Luke over both of them, taking the worst of it. Raphael and Ragnor protected Max who’s summoning the demons to them, but he fears that Magnus is now killing them faster than they can respawn.

Magnus hopes the short break those demons gave them they could use to come up with _something_. He can sense Alistair’s impatience and anger flaring up and soon enough he’s forced to seek them out again. He’s able to control the force of his power within a small margin, depending on Alistair’s orders, but every hit could be fatal to someone.

_Are you just going to let this fool abuse you like this? Have you become this pitiful? What a disgrace. Where has the cocky warlock gone who didn’t take the advice given to him, who knew everything better? Has he succumbed to self-pity and complacency? How deplorable._

Again Magnus startles, the voice even more familiar, but he’s still not able to remember. Why is it taunting him like this? What could he do? He tried! He’s been trying. There is _nothing_ he can do, the spell is binding, consuming him completely.

_Is that so? Maybe you just need a little… incentive._

He has no idea what that means and no time to find out as he watches his magic eliminate the remaining demons and the subway collapsing, begging invisible forces to protect everyone somehow.

“Is everyone okay?” Robert searches his children first before checking up on everyone else. His eye is bleeding but it’s minor, and he helps Isabelle and Alec up who got buried by parts of the wall, luckily building a hollow, protecting them.

“Clary?” Jace’s scared voice echoes through the other sounds and people are turning towards them.

She seems fine, apart from looking as if she’s out of it, staring ahead, unblinking.

“Clary?” Jace cups her cheek gently, exhaling visibly, relieved when she finally looks at him.

“I saw-”

“Watch out!” Someone yells and everyone’s looking up, Alistair and Magnus hovering just a few metres above them.

“I’m tired of this game, there are others I’d love to pay a visit, end this now, warlock!”

Magnus bristles, willing his whole being to withstand this terrible pull, his every muscle taut and pulsing with the intangible strain it takes from him.

Clary uses the second to rush towards Max, grabs his stele and draws a huge golden rune no one’s ever seen before into the air in front of herself.

“Everyone get behind me!” She yells just before Magnus loses the fight and blasts a long stream of smouldering deep red magic towards them, horrified he’ll burn everyone alive.

Light as bright as Jace’s runes as he saved Clary closes in upon everyone, withholding Magnus’ magic just until it disappears, and so does the light itself.

“Damn, what was that? Can you do it again?” Max is excited, but Clary is anxious, quickly drawing the rune again, afraid she has no time…

“Take that goddamn stele away and kill those troublemakers, I’ve had enough!”

Magnus stiffens in dismay but he can only obey and the stele is gone from Clary’s hand before she has time to finish the rune, their eyes meeting in silent apology and understanding.

“Protect and attack!” They suddenly hear Max shouting and the moment Magnus has to fire his magic, a row of demons stands in the way, giving the others just enough time to run.

“What now? We can’t hide and we can’t fight him!” Aline yells across at the others mid-run.

“What about that rune? It can protect us!” Helen interjects.

“Not without a stele and that truly was the last one!” Raj yells back and they speed up, behind them the demons are respawning with new vigor, but Magnus eliminates them over and over, with as much hesitation as he’s allowed.

They turn a corner and Izzy suddenly stops them. “You have to use Jace!” She looks determined at Clary who’s catching her breath, then her eyes widen and they’re staring at the blond Shadowhunter.

“Use me? How?” Jace frowns, feeling insecure and concerned - about this sudden new power he has, having no clue how it even works, the women’s plan - and his Parabatai.

Alec’s been quiet, seeming inaccessible and lost in his mind, and Jace is worried, unable to discern what he’s feeling from him.

* * *

The roof of the subway is coming down on them, the walls crumbling and Alec grabs his sister to shield her, expecting to get hit any second.

 _What an adventure, Alec, our loverboy is quite the stunner. I didn’t think he was_ that _hot, but the whole black eyes, riding a freaking dragon thing really turned me on, didn’t it you?_

Alec freezes, thinking he must have been hit and hallucinating. Or he wishes that was the case, but that voice is too familiar by now. His wicked nightmare persona is back, and he has no idea why.

_Ignoring me doesn’t help, you know that, Alec, I’ll just chew your ears off until you talk to me._

_What do you want?_

_Ah, there you are. That was easy. What I want? Just here to check up on you, you know, haven’t talked to you in quite a while, how’s things?_

_Are you fucking serious? Just fuck off and don’t come back!_

_Woah, woah, why so hostile? I thought we were pretty good friends by now, seeing as you still seem to refuse to acknowledge us being one and the same._

_I’m not… we’re not! I don’t have time for this, I’m probably semi-insane, but I still need to find a way to save Magnus, so GO AWAY!_

_Save Magnus? But he’s having so much fun! Finally unrestricted power- oops, careful or you’ll get roasted! By your own boyfriend, funny that, huh?_

_I’m not listening, and I’m busy, so either help me or LEAVE ME ALONE._

Clary’s activating that new rune with Max’s stele and he’s throwing his arms up to protect himself from the blinding light.

_Wow, that’s bright. Cool. So, help or leave? Oh, Alec, I don’t like either option, give me something better! Something like… torture him… or her?_

_Stop it, you’re not even real, and I’m not falling for this insanity again._

Izzy grabs him and drags him out of the subway and they run.

_You know, our sister is pretty hot, too._

_Ahhhhhhhh! I can’t hear you!_

_Of course you can, but fine, what will you give me if I tell you how to save your sexy ass warlock?_

_I… you’re just baiting me, you can’t actually help me!_

_Hmmmm… I wouldn’t be so sure. But it all depends. You’ve been nothing but mean to me, though we had so much fun once you let yourself go, and I know it’s in you, you’re just so damn repressed still, in some ways, at least._

_Alec? Fine, fine… I’m way too kind to you, you don’t really deserve me. I’ll tell you what, I’ll help you now and I’ll think of a really good reward for myself, and once I decide, I’ll come back to collect. Deal?_

_If you honestly know something that will help Magnus, tell me now!_

_Deal then, maybe you should get that pretty amulet your little brother’s got in his chubby little fingers, its powers are pretty neat… and versatile._

Alec’s been supposedly watching Jace, Clary, and Izzy, not really listening to what they’ve been discussing. He turns to find Max, his eyes zooming in on the amulet in his hand. How does he use it to save Magnus? It controls those demons, but they’re not really a match for Magnus. What else…?

“Well, this is a life and death situation, just like before when you were unconscious and hurt. I think it will trigger Jace’s power, now that it’s somehow active.” Izzy supplies and it makes sense to Clary.

“But I don’t have a stele anymore.” She counters and watches as Izzy smiles, making her frown, and observe her friend move her arms towards her ponytail, her hair suddenly coming loose, and the silver band she had in her hair turns into a hair pin.

“Adamas, same material as the steles, you should be able to use it, probably not as efficiently, though.” Izzy explains and Clary takes the pocket knife long pin from her.

“He’s coming!” Someone shouts and Jace decides it’s now as good as ever - if he can make it work, and he’s fucking anxious about it.

“Max, can I see that?” Alec’s standing beside his little brother, his eyes fixed on the amulet, his hand held out for it.

“Yeah, I guess, it should still work no matter who’s in possession of it.” Max is a little reluctant to give it to him, not because he wants to keep it for himself so much as to his instincts telling him something is strange about his big brother, if just the way he’s staring at it.

Alec nods and brings the amulet close to his face, observing it thoroughly.

_What do I do with it? You gotta give me more than ‘get the amulet’, or no reward!_

_You are the worst stickler I’ve ever come across, I don’t have a clue how the warlock even puts up with you… I mean, the sex is great and all, but that-_

_Either tell me or forget it!_

_Soooo prickly, too, Alec, you honestly gotta learn some manners, but next time. But seriously, I’m disappointed, you gotta think for yourself every now and then, you already know how dark magic works, don’t you? What’s its alternative name? See ya!_

_What? That’s all?_

_Hello? What do you mean about dark magic?_

_Damnit!_

Jace quickly takes off his jacket and pulls the sweater over his head, exposing his back to Clary. “Just do it, it will work, I hope.”

“You can do it, babe.” Clary tries to reassure him, smiling more confident than she feels herself, then starts drawing the rune on his back, but nothing happens.

“Shit.”

“What?” Jace is alarmed, looking back at her.

“Um, I guess I have to use more force, it may hurt.”

“Just do what it takes, Clary, they’re almost here, I’ll be fine!”

“Do it, Clary!” Izzy urges her, the demons hardly holding Magnus back now and they’ve almost reached them again.

Clary takes courage and pierces the sharp end into Jace’s skin, drawing blood.

“Go on, Clary!” He reassures her and she quickly cuts the whole rune into his back, blood flowing all over but once she’s done, it starts to glow a little.

“Okay, it’s done! Activate it!”

They’re looking at him expectantly but nothing happens.

“I don’t know how!” Jace is trying, but he feels useless, his fear for Clary’s life or similar must have triggered it earlier, but he still doesn’t know how it actually worked, what exactly he did…

“Jace, please try, you’re our only hope now, we can’t keep running forever.” Aline pleads, everyone’s gathered around him, adrenaline pumping through them with the fear of being turned to ashes increasing rapidly with Alistair and Magnus closing in on them, Magnus again getting rid of a couple of respawned demons, then the order to kill, and again he has to succumb to it.

_Blood... Blood magic!_

It finally clicks as Alec spots Jace’s bleeding back, and he storms forward through the others, snatches the pin from Clary’s hand and drives it deep into his own palm, thick red liquid flushing out of the wound.

“Alec, what the fuck?! Ahhh!” Jace yells, having to instantly throw his arms up as Magnus’ magic smashes into them.

White gleaming light blinds Magnus and Alistair, streaming from where Jace stood, dispersing all over them, and Magnus finds himself on the ground, Alistair lying beside him, appearing to be a little out of it.

Magnus instantly leaps to get the Cup, the moment his fingers touch it, the red light of the stones intensifying, a terrible noise in his head, screeching and jarring so loud he screams and has to let go.

“Stay back!” Alistair cries and sits up, his grip around the object tightening, his eyes blazing with anger. Magnus despairs once again, but he’s still relieved that they’re still alive, that they miraculously found a way to protect themselves, if only temporarily.

* * *

Alec slowly comes to, the bright light that suddenly exploded from Jace knocking him out. It’s still bright but not as much and he thinks he might be dreaming. Maybe it’s all been a dream, all of it, and he’s going to wake up next to Magnus 8 months ago, and he’ll have a hell of a dream to tell him while they laugh and hold each other. And everything will be well.

_How cute, and gross. I do feel personally affronted that you’d rather go back to a time without me. But fear not, this is as real as it gets and you better grab that amulet and feed it some blood, or your warlock is done._

Alec jolts upright, grasping for the amulet but he can’t feel or see it. Until his eyes spot Jace sitting a couple metres from him, looking a little frazzled, gold and white light still surrounding him, holding the amulet in his lap. Their eyes meet and Alec scrambles forward.

“I need that back.” He holds out a hand for it but Jace doesn’t move to hand it over.

“Not until you tell me what the hell happened, why did you stab your hand?” Jace closes his own around the amulet, his expression stern and determined.

“We don’t have time for that, it can help me save Magnus, just give it to me, please!” Alec’s pleading, his fingers curling around Jace’s wrist and Jace looks surprised, not sure how Alec would know this, how it could help Magnus, but his Parabatai is right, they don’t have time, he can feel the rune on his back fading already. Still he feels funny about it, about the way their bond lets him know something is off.

“Just be careful.” He opens his hand and Alec nods, takes the amulet and places it into his bloody hand. For a moment he’s scared nothing is happening, that it’s all been a ruse, a figment of his crazy mind.

But his blood starts moving unnaturally, upwards, flowing into the heart of the amulet, covering it wholly. Alec hears whispers in his head, voices he’s never heard before, speaking a language he’s never heard and doesn’t understand, and it looks like all of the blood is gone, inside the amulet now.

_By the way, forgot to tell ya, or rather willfully concealed from you that it’s not just going to need a little of your blood - but all of it._

Alec can’t begin to react to this as a jolt goes through his body, the amulet biting into his hand as if it had sharp teeth, sucking his blood out of him. He falls back to the ground, his body sweating and convulsing, voices chanting in his mind.

“ALEC!” The rune’s gone, their protection with it, and Jace watches anxiously as Alec suddenly goes down, and he knows without feeling it that something is extremely wrong.

“What happened?” Izzy, Clary, Max and the others come running as Jace kneels over Alec, trying to pry Alec’s fingers open to get the amulet out of his hand, but they don’t even budge, it’s as if his hand is one with the object.

Jace’s head spins and freezes, his eyes locking with a pair of black ones, golden specks shining within, and inwardly he’s screaming.

_Magnus, help him!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a bad cliffhanger... I wasn't going to end it here at first, but then my mind suddenly said 'Stop, there's shit with Magnus we gotta figure out still, end it now', so I had to... I hope to figure this shit out soon, but I just can't promise anything, things never turn out how I expect anyway, and you know how real life gets in the way so often... or cruel writer's block, etc... it's truly not easy, but hopefully worth it.


	51. A Burden Shared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My utmost thanks to @reivenesque for helping me find inspiration with the flashbacks, @alyxhavok, my incredible Parabeta, for being the lovliest, kindest, ever supportive friend I need to keep doing this. <3 <3 <3 
> 
> I'm eternally grateful to those who left comments, a few of which left me completely stunned, still am. I can't say what it means to me.

_The sweet smell of the fruit is taking up every breath he takes. The air is hot and dry, the sun burning down on his exposed skin, the cotton shirt and shorts he’s wearing providing little relief._

_He can feel the burning soil through his leather sandals, his feet aching now as he’s walked for hours, always alone, with his lonely thoughts. His lips are chipped and dry as he runs his tongue over them._

_The smell of oranges brought him here, the sight of the numerous trees, studded with the sweet orange fruit, making his mouth water._

_The trees are a wondrous sight, and well cared for, fore they haven’t withered in the unrelenting heat that’s been lasting for weeks._

_Some of the fruits are green, some just starting to ripen, and some shine so bright to his starved eyes, he wouldn’t startle if they were made of gold._

_He climbs the finest tree, with the most delicious looking ones, imagining the sweetest, richest taste he’s ever known, even before his hand reaches the orange ambrosia._

_“What are you doing?”_

_It feels as if a hand grips around his ankle and pulls with one hard tug, and he falls to the ground, crying out in shock, face first in the dusty, hard soil. When he looks up he sees a dark silhouette of a person, unable to make out the clothes they’re wearing, or even their face. All he sees is a pair of ice blue eyes._

“Magnus!”

He’s brutally pulled from the strange memory of so long ago.The man next to him is stirring, the weapon in his hands unreachable to Magnus, yet his eyes fixate on the sight merely a few feet before him. Alexander lying on the ground unconscious, his Parabatai hunched over him, pure devastation in his pleading eyes. His friends’ faces around them twisted in fear.

Alexander’s dying, and Magnus can’t do anything about it.

_“I don’t acquiesce thieves. Get out of here.”_

_Magnus gets to his feet, dusting off his bruised hands and knees, the side of his face burning where he crashed into the ground, glaring at the stranger._

His voice is familiar, yet impossible to place, and Magnus knows deep in his mind that he’s seen his face, that this memory isn’t what it’s made out to be, that something is wrong with it, but he doesn’t know, he doesn’t have time, he doesn’t know what to do, why it befalls him now, why it’s so forceful.

Everything inside him is screaming, wreaking havoc, and he has to move, he has to think, he has to _do_ something.

He’s frozen.

_“I’m not a thief. I didn’t know these trees belonged to someone, I merely wanted one fruit. I can pay you for it.” He plays a little dumb. He’s young, but he knows that nothing comes without a price, not food, not water, not lives._

_He reaches into his pocket, grabs a coin and flicks it at the stranger who catches it, seemingly without moving his hand. He then remembers thinking for a split moment as he fell, that the man’s standing too far off to have been able to grab Magnus with his own hand, but there’s no one else around._

_“Gold? You possess this, yet you try to steal from me? You are the most shameless little thief I’ve come across in a while. Keep your loot, I have no need for it.”_

_Magnus stares down at his hand, the coin back in his palm, and he swears the stranger hasn’t moved._

_He’s sure now. His deep brown eyes locking on the ice blue orbs._

_“Teach me how to control magic.”_

_“Whyever would I do such a thing?”_

_Magnus steps forward, determination taking hold._

_“Because you’re a warlock, and so am I.”_

“Magnus! He’s slipping! Please, I can’t!” Jace’s shouting in harrowing pain, his hands clawing at Alec’s still, trying to pry it open, trying to break his fingers if only he can get to the amulet and free him from it. Izzy and Clary are trying to help. They could as well try to wring water from a stone.

Raphael, Ragnor, and Luke are moving forward, towards Alistair who seems not fully conscious still, yet the moment they get too close Magnus’ hand shoots out, his magic blasting them off of their feet. He has no choice but to protect the man who has absolute power over him. He can’t even feel the shame at his friends’ dismayed expressions, all he can think of is Alexander, and-

_“Stop following me around like a dog, there are enough of these pests about already.”_

_“I’ll stop if you help me! Please, I’ll do whatever it takes!”_

_Magnus’ shorter legs are rushing after the dark silhouette, his hopes set on this warlock’s knowledge._

_“No!”_

_Magnus is tossed backwards, his back hitting a tree trunk hard, knocking the breath out of him._

_“You’re a tenacious, little prick.”_

_Magnus is battered and bruised, aching all over, and yet something inside of him can’t give up. He knows, rationally, that it’s a bad idea, that this warlock is playing with him, that he could probably kill him with a snap of his little finger, or less, and that he should give up and run._

_But he can’t. The Silent Brothers he stayed with were good to him, but they couldn’t teach him much about magic, especially not about using and controlling his own. And it’s really all he wants to know, and this warlock, the most powerful one he’s met so far, seems like his once in a lifetime chance. He knows he’s desperate, and weak, and still, he keeps fighting and pleading._

_“I won’t leave until you help me, or kill me.”_

_He wipes blood off his nose with his arm, tears burning in his eyes, but he won’t cry. He’s cried enough to last him a few decades, and as bad as being toyed with like a puppet and thrown around is, it’s better than reliving his past over and over and over. And he’d rather die than go back to being alone, an abomination with a power inside him he keeps failing to master. A power that has earned him nothing but anger, pain, fear, and repulsion so far._

_It’s why he’s traveled so long and far away from everything and everyone he’s disappointed, hurt and shamed. Why he’s here, the last place he’d have expected to meet someone like himself, and even though this warlock seems to hate him, too - something he’s learned to cope with too well by now - he is a connection to himself, a sliver of hope that he might yet get a chance at succeeding. He can’t give up, his need to be someone else is too consuming._

_They’re staring at each other for a long, tense, silent moment, a warm breeze blowing through his sweaty hair, emitting goosebumps on his skin, and he only realizes now that his hands are shaking, balled into fists._

_“If you get the orange from this branch, I’ll teach you.”_

_Magnus’ eyes widen as they follow the silhouette’s arm, pointing at a tree on his left, a thick branch hanging lower than all the others, with one ripe fruit glowing. Magic._

_He’s been at it for an hour, trying to use skill, his brute force, his magic, but he can’t even touch the fruit. He’s growing immeasurably frustrated, his chance slipping away, quashing the little hope he had._

_“Tell me how to do it! Just give me a hint!”_

_He shoots another fireball at the tree, without any effect._

_“That wasn’t the deal, boy. Just give it up, I knew you didn’t have it in you.”_

_Magnus watches the stranger turn and walk away. He never for a second thought he could do it, he tricked him, toyed with him from the moment they met, without any regard towards Magnus. Rage, anguish, grief, fright and pain he’s been collecting for years are all bursting to the surface at once, and he can feel the abysmal energy boiling inside him, around him, causing another calamity._

_His breathing is labored as he sinks onto his knees, his eyes wide with shock, taking in the disaster before him. Every last tree of the hundreds that stood so beautiful and tall, is burned to ashes, nothing but scorched earth in front of him. Every last one but the one spelled by the warlock, the glowing fruit mocking Magnus sardonically._

_He freezes as he notices the man next to him, observing the ravage of his plantation._

_Magnus prepares for certain punishment, craving maybe even death, as he proved once again how fatally worthless and useless he truly is._

_“Interesting. There isn’t much that surprises me anymore. Come with me. Tell me about yourself.”_

_Magnus’ head snaps around as he gapes open-mouthed at the retreating form of the warlock. He can’t move for a long moment, until something inside him snaps, and he jumps onto his feet and runs after him. He glances back once, gasping in astonishment at the sight of the orange trees in perfect shape, as if nothing ever happened._

Alistair’s moving, coming to. Jace is growing weaker, hurting more by the second, feeling the extremity of Alec’s blood loss and life passing faster by the moment. Their friends and family are crying, shouting, frightened, and helpless. Ragnor’s magic is taking no effect, there’s nothing they can do. Nothing anyone can do.

Nothing can be done.

And yet, through his excruciating desperation, Magnus wonders why these memories are invading his mind, why at all, why _now._

_You’ve always had an abundance of foolish pride and blinding determination. But you also give up too easily, once your belief is shaken. It’s what aggravated me the most. Think, you stupid boy, remember._

Magnus wants to yell at the voice in his head, yell and lash out and bring pain and destruction. He feels as if he’s going to explode, but his mind is reeling, searching, unfolding memories, racing forwards and backwards, while Jace’s cries for Alec are shattering his sanity. There is nothing but loud, distorted noises, shrieks and wails, and Alexander’s soft, broken voice, pleading for him in the midst of the frenzy.

Suddenly everything stops, his mind blacking out.

He remembers the self-doubts, the anger and unshed tears, the endless self-loathing and frustration. He remembers it all. The arguments, the despair, the unending want to be someone worthy.

He remembers scraps of that one conversation, everything else falling away, losing all meaning.

_"What if I can't do it? What if I’m too weak? What if my magic simply isn't enough?"_

_"Then you take something else to strengthen it with."_

His eyes open, zooming in on the one object powerful enough to command and protect from demons, the one energy source feeding off of life itself, the one thing threatening to take away his happiness and reason for fighting on and on, his reason for living. Alexander. The amulet in his hand, relentlessly absorbing his blood.

Magnus moves up, his arm shooting out, magic buzzing underneath his skin and flesh, above and all around him, shooting forward. From the corner of his eye he sees Alistair getting back to his feet, shaking off the momentary dazzlement, frowning at what he sees and raising the Cup with the cursed demonic artefacts.

“Stop whatever you’re doing and end them right now!”

Freezing fear jolts through his bones at hearing Alistair’s command, his being torn towards obedience. But his magic connects with the amulet in that moment, latching onto it immovably, and to his sheer shock, he finally feels resistance.

The pull is still almost unbearable - but only almost.

He shoves all he has into the amulet, feeling the throb of Alec’s heartbeat, the warmth of his blood pulsating through him, linked by his magic, and he finally remembers hope.

“You must obey me! I command you to destroy them all! You must listen to me, kill them now!”

Alistair’s spitting orders throw Magnus off, and he can feel the glimpse of hope shrinking as he’s torn in half by the two powers battling for control.

He puts every bit of strength left inside him into resisting the need to do what Alistair wants, unable to control either outcome. But a new wave of dread crashes over him as he feels his stand falter, the demonic force hauling him closer.

_NO._

He needs more power, even more power than the amulet alone can give… more. He watches his crimson glowing magic surging further without being aware of himself doing it, connecting with two other sources that make his insides stiffen.

Parabatai runes.

_It’s pitch black and void of sound._

_Panic rises to the forefront._

_He startles, suddenly hearing his heavy breaths._

_His heart beats like a drum, he turns and turns on the spot, straining his eyes to see. Something, anything. There’s nothing. He remembers this type of nothing._

_A sound like a switch being turned on makes him jump and leap around. There’s light, like a spotlight, its source unknown. Another switch on his left, his right, behind him._

_He tries to breathe slower, more quietly, telling himself that this is probably just a dream, and he’s been through worse. It doesn’t work. He’s trembling to his core._

_“Alec!”_

_He leaps around once again, now staring at Jace under the spotlight, their eyes locking. Neither of them moves, he can’t._

_His eyes are pulled to his left, where Isabelle appeared, to his right, Max and his parents, and behind him, Magnus._

_He hears his name in their voices, overlaying each other, like an echo, but it’s sharp, like razors chipping inside his ears, their distorted voices grating on his brain and he wants them to stop._

_He doesn’t even feel the first stab. But he sees the trickle of blood running down his sister’s forehead. He tries to get to her, but his feet are cemented to the ground, the moment he tries to step forward. All he’s able to do is rotate on the spot._

_He feels the second stab on his neck, his hand flying towards it as he spots blood flowing from Jace’s neck._

_“Help us!”_

_Three more stabs in his cheeks and forehead, and he turns, gaping at Max and his parents, blood running down their faces._

_“Help me!”_

_Magnus is holding his hand over his heart, his white shirt staining with blood._

_He can feel all of their pain but he can’t get to any of them._

_They’re crying out for him, pleadingly, agonizingly, the ache in his mind splitting. His hands are holding the sides of his head as he turns and turns staring at each of them over and over, their faces covered in blood, the thick red liquid running along their bodies, pooling on their feet and flowing towards him._

_“This is your fault.” His mother._

_“Why aren’t you helping us!” His sister._

_“This is your doing, you want us all dead!” Jace._

_“I hate you!” Max._

_“I thought you loved me.” Magnus._

_“You damned us.” His father._

_He’s wet through, sweat or blood he can’t even tell, their voices repeating themselves over and over now, getting harsher and harsher and he feels his insides contracting, squashing him inside out, until he bursts, screaming, falling to his knees, begging for forgiveness._

_Their blood streams are reaching him now, flowing up his body, covering him whole, drowning him._

In his state of panic over his Parabatai, Jace hasn’t noticed Magnus’ magic reaching out, but a sudden tapping on his rune makes him look up, first fearing something’s worse with Alec, but the moment he stares at the glowing magic, confusion mingles with relief. Whatever Magnus is doing, its purpose will be to save Alec, and that’s all he needs to know.

He looks up and meets his friend’s eyes, Magnus’ face tight-drawn with exertion. Alistair’s shouting at him and it’s obvious Magnus is fighting harder than ever, because if he loses this fight, they’re all dead.

_I need… your… strength…_

Jace blinks, surprised to hear Magnus’ voice in his mind again, and so full of pain it makes him tremble. He nods quickly, ready to give him anything he can to help.

The impact of Magnus’ magic taking a hold of him is so severe he blacks out instantly.

Clary cries out, shocked and scared, her hands gripping Jace’s shoulders, and then she freezes. All of his runes have started to glow red.

“Clary!”

She looks towards Izzy, who is crouched beside Alec, staring at her.

She feels it now and quickly pulls up her jacket sleeve. Her rune is glowing red, but fading, and she quickly deduces why. She touches Jace with one hand, looking at the rune, and the moment she can feel him, it’s glowing red again, and she can feel Magnus’ magic’s pull inside of her.

If that’s what he needs, she’ll give it to him.

Her and Isabelle’s eyes meet again, understanding forming and Izzy grips onto her brother whose runes are also shining bright red and she feels her own strength drawn out of her.

Max, Lydia, and Robert don’t hesitate the moment they see what’s happening, holding onto the others, runes glowing and strength flowing out to Magnus. No one fully understands what’s happening, but more follow their example, Luke, Raphael, Maia and Simon’s eyes glowing the same color as the Shadowhunters’ runes as they’re all connecting.

He’s going to kill Jace and Alec.

It’s the only thought his mind can grasp.

He’s going to kill them both.

His instinct is to stop his magic, take it back, but he can’t. It’s pouring out of him like a separate force inside him, no longer a part of himself.

He can only watch, and despair.

Until he becomes aware of people crowding around the Parabatai, runes and eyes glowing, and he senses other life forces joining Alec and Jace’s, sharing and relieving the burden.

He turns his head towards Alistair, infuriation, disbelief and incomprehension mixed in the man’s eyes, his orders feeble with dawning resignation.

His attention is drawn back forward as he feels something changing. Alec’s hand with the amulet suddenly releases, the object shaking in his palm. Magnus doesn’t know how, but he knows he has to end it now.

He forces his hand away, directing it under great effort towards Alistair, the magic wanting him to keep going, taking even more and more, and for a moment he wants to give in. But he doesn’t.

The amulet bursts, Alec’s blood sprouting everywhere, a shockwave making people lose their grips on one another, voices sounding in shock, and Magnus doesn’t lose any moment to gather all the power he’s collected, firing it at the Cup.

Alistair cries out, loses his grip on it and tumbles over. The Cup and the demonic artefacts explode into nothingness.

Finally free from the powers tearing him apart, Magnus drops to the ground unconscious.

_“Aaalec, ohhhh, Aaaleeeec!”_

_He hears the singsong voice, muffled from far away, but he knows who it is and he knows there’s no escaping himself._

_There’s liquid popping in his ears as he’s freed and pulled out of his cocoon of blood, suddenly standing, facing himself._

_“Missed me?” He’s smirking. “Whenever I leave you for one second you fall back into your little guilt trip, it’s quite adorable, and your affinity for blood doesn’t go unnoticed by me! You’re such a masochist, I love it!”_

_He sounds disturbingly enthusiastic, clapping his hands, grinning from ear to ear, his eyes glistening with vicious joy._

_“Anyway, I hope you’re not too mad for that little trick, with the amulet and your blood, I had to, so your warlock would get his shit together, he’s almost as slow-witted and long-winded as you.”_

_Alec watches himself rolling his eyes, then the smirk returns, amber eyes sparkling ominously._

_“And now, please wake up and get a move on, there’s someone waiting for us. Time for sweet, bloody revenge. Just how we like it!”_

_His other self’s arms shoot out, his fists hitting Alec’s chest so hard they knock the breath out of him and he loses his vision._

He comes to, gasping for air, his lungs rasping painfully. He sits up, becoming aware of the cold air, people surrounding him, blood… everyone’s splattered, and he himself seems to be when he glances at his hands and clothes.

“Alec! Thank fuck!”

Arms are thrown around him, squeezing him achingly. Jace? Yes, Jace. He pats his Parabatai’s bare back a little meekly, trying to catch up.

_I told you to get a move on._

His attention snaps to the person on the ground and something inside him shifts.

He pushes the clingy person off of him, gets to his feet and marches over to the man, bends down and snatches the blade from him, boring the tip of it into the man’s chest.

Alistair’s eyes widen in shock, gasping as the pain of his injury penetrates his mind, but more shocking to him is the look in Lightwood’s eyes, eyes that seem to glow, to mock him, to take great pleasure in seeing him like this. Freed from the power possessing and fueling him for so long, he feels wrung out, unable to find even the will to plead for his life. Maybe this was his fate all along.

“Alec, stop!”

Jace is getting to his feet, feeling wobbly and weak and hellishly confused. He feels something off about Alec, something that makes his skin crawl. He gets Alec wants revenge for all that that man did to him, especially to Magnus, and yet he can’t shake off this wrongness. Clary is supporting him as they move closer, eyes meeting with Izzy’s who rushed with Ragnor and Raphael to Magnus’ side after he collapsed, and tried to wake him up, and he finally seems to stir.

_Don’t listen to them, finish him now. He tortured you, he kidnapped you, he hurt Magnus. He used him and no one is allowed to do that, are they? Kill him!_

“No one… is allowed to use Magnus.”

Alec’s voice is a whisper, his body the weapon, his mind detached, focused only on one goal. His hands grip and raise the sword, ready to plunge it into his enemy.

“Alex...ander?”

His foundation is shaking and crashing as he turns to look at the voice’s owner.

Magnus is barely getting on his feet with the help of his friends, drained from every drop of energy, stricken by an exhaustion more impactful than he’s ever known, and he sinks back down, the only tether keeping him from passing out again the sight of his love, their gazes bound.

_No, Alec, you have to kill him first!_

Alec ignores the voice this time, his arms sinking, shaking, suddenly too heavy to carry, the sword tumbling to the ground and Alec almost trips as he rushes forward, everything inside of him leaping towards Magnus, needing to be closer, needing to see and touch and feel.

He drops to his knees without a care, his arms falling around Magnus, his fingers digging into him, clung so tightly there’s no room to breathe.

He feels Magnus’ hand come up and rest on his head, fingers softly caressing his hair, and he loses the fight.

Tears spill over, blood-curdling sobs tearing from his throat, and he weeps into Magnus inconsolably, the vastness of his all-consuming emotions too great to bear.

Magnus feels overwhelmed by Alec’s uncontrollable sorrow. He feels forlorn, almost insubstantial, and completely helpless as how to console him. He can only hold him, taking comfort himself in the wholesome devotion of Alec’s embrace, knowing he would have died for him, but miraculously didn’t. They’re alive, and together, and he has no idea how any of it happened, and yet he can’t bring himself to care.

There are no words, no magic, no healing or alleviation. All he finds himself capable of is caressing Alec’s hair while resting his own head against Alec’s, feeling void of anything but him, hoping their unbending love for each other is going to be enough.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art at the end is by a friend and amazing artist @phildrawsfanart on twitter and tumblr, especially created for my fic and this chapter and I still have NO words to describe how amazed and stunned and grateful I am. There are no words for some things. <3


	52. Where Do We Go From Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first, i know this took forever, and i wish i could promise it won't take me this long again, but i simply can't, there is always so much getting in the way at times, not least of all my own head and writing it really takes a lot out of me emoionally, it's insane but i feel completely drained afterwards.
> 
> nevertheless, i'll definitely do anything to sit my ass down and continue and finish this story, it truly means the most to me to get it done, so it will happen, eventually.
> 
> a few special thank yous are in order now. if you go back to the end of the last chapter, i added an incredible masterpiece of a work of art from a phenomenal artist and friend phildrawsfanart on tumblr and twitter, check all her art out, it's breathtaking!! so you can see it there or follow this link and check it out if you want to, i have literally no words to describe how much i love it and how amazed i still am about it. forever grateful.
> 
> art piece http://sfjessii.tumblr.com/post/164972479870/phildrawsfanart-based-on-a-scene-in-chapter-51
> 
>  
> 
> i've received way too much love and too many gifts recently for this story, and another out of this world gift i got, in the flesh so to say, is a book made of the first 50 chapters of this story, and i couldn't have dreamed of receiving something like this, it's still blowing my mind and it sits on top of my shelf so i can see it every day to be reminded it is fucking real. indescribable... check out my wonderful friend's tumblr hikaru9, her phenomenal metas she writes and also her malec story which is beyond magical, MESMERIZING BEAUTIFUL ANGST how i love it, and breathtaking!! she is Hikaru9Yume here on ao3. you won't regret it!
> 
> here is a look at the book if you're interested, it is sheer perfect to me, and the amazing images are by another incredible friend who made PHENOMENAL gifs for this story, i shared them before, reivenesque on tumblr and Reiven on ao3, do read her work, parabatai, malec, if you find you like another fandom she's writing for... it is all absolutely brilliant, soul-crushing and stunning.
> 
>  
> 
> isy book covers https://i.imgur.com/fjsZEHr.jpg
> 
>  
> 
> and as ever, my parabeta alyxhavok on tumblr and AlyxHavok on ao3 (lots of wonderful, unique, fluffy, loving fics to read too!!! check them!) without whom none of this would happen because she always gives me the courage to continue and saves my ass before doing something dumb and finds the titles for me and the plot points i struggle with and always reads my shit and betas it and supports me in every way imaginable and i don't know how i am so lucky to have her, i'll never take you for granted, or all of your neverending help and love for me and the story. you have my immortal thanks and love!
> 
> and to everyone leaving comments here or tumblr or twitter... there are no words... just.. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU SO SO SO VERY MUCH FOR YOUR KINDNESS AND LOVE! 
> 
> also got a feature at BasicShadowStuf (twitter) and basicshadowhuntersstuff (tumblr) which was incredibly kind of them, so if you wanna check that out here   
> https://www.basicshadowhuntersstuff.com/single-post/2017/09/27/Fan-Fiction-Author-Spotlight-MuscleMemory
> 
> enough now, on with this insane journey, not over yet by far, here are the next 10.5k words

He flinches with the sudden touch, brutally pulled from the trance-like sensation he was feeling. He glances back, at Clary’s apologetic face, dirt and blood in her hair, on her skin, and he realizes she’s still holding onto his jacket she put around his shoulders, her hands holding his arms on either side.

He feels tender sadness, a stinging pain, over and over inside him, but he cannot differentiate emotions any more. Not his from Alec’s, not who they belong to, not why they’re emerging, or even sort one from the other; they’re all mingled together, one endless chaos, and he’s helpless to it.

His attention is drawn towards three figures, Luke and Meliorn securing Alistair, making sure he won’t get away, though he doesn’t look like he could if he wanted to. He looks barely like the shadow of the man he once was. Jace doesn’t waste pity on him, though, he has no space for it, the man doesn’t deserve it, and he needs to…

He steps forward, halts again, inhaling tightly, eyes burning, his body shaking not just from the cold, but the strain the last hours brought. If he could focus on anything but the two men in front of him, he’d wonder how any of them are still standing.

He pushes himself forward, no more pride, confidence or agility in his movements. He feels clumsy, jagged and hollow, like a brittle twig about to snap.

He drops to his knees, his arms slowly coming around Alec and Magnus, the jacket sliding from his back as he rests his head against his Parabatai’s. An invisible barrier collapses as his first tear falls.

* * *

Physically, he’s devoid of feeling; mentally, he’s spiraling and crashing incessantly.

He becomes aware of another body touching him, pressing against him, comforting him, and then another, and another and he finally suppresses his cries, pushes the few remaining tears from his eyes and moves ever so slowly out of where his face was pressed against Magnus’ neck, feeling his body and being, shaking uncontrollably. He knows Jace is at his left, having felt his presence undeniably, through any haze, any state of mind, as long as they’re a part of each other, he will always know him through anything.

He comes eye-level with his little brother who is hugging Magnus from behind, his face pressed against the warlock’s, tear stains all across his flushed face, his eyes shining with love and sadness, and Alec can’t breathe from the impact of the guilt and shame crushing him, and the defencelessness to do anything about it. Isabelle is on his right, pulling him gently closer into her now, cupping his neck and cheek and whispering through her own tears. He knows she’s trying to soothe him, but he feels nothing beyond this voidness, filled with inaccessible, penetrating, visceral sorrow.

Someone starts to move, and though he doesn’t know for sure, his grip on Magnus tightens, an unconscious reflex born of a terrible fear of ever losing sight of him again, too frightened to let go of him, too powerful and vicious the memories of having had to endure watching him being forcibly used against his will, all on his own.

“Shhh, it’s alright, angel.” A whisper in his ear, everyone’s arms gone but Magnus’ tight around his waist.

Alec swallows, every part of him sore in ways he’s never imagined, ignoring it all as he somehow finds just enough strength to control himself and get back on his feet, pulling Magnus up into his arms gently, feeling how the other man is trembling and emptied of all of his energy. He doesn’t want to let go, he won’t let go, but he moves back enough to meet Jace’s eyes, and it takes more of him than he thinks he has left to hold back fresh tears as he watches his Parabatai quickly pull on a jacket, then slip an arm around Magnus’ waist to hold him up steady. He sees the tiny smile in his blurry eyes, such overwhelming care and compassion for them, and he doesn’t know how to continue feeling, how to bare just one single emotion.

“We don’t have enough magic to portal to Catarina, we’ll have to walk. They should be back at the hotel by now, that was the plan when I left.”

Ragnor’s voice breaks through and Alec takes a hurtful breath, glancing to where their friends and allies gathered close to them. He feels Magnus nodding, wanting to turn to look at his face, but a different kind of fear is holding him back; instead he tightens his hold on him a little more, avoiding looking at anyone.

No one is talking as they make their way through the wreckage this part of the city remains as. It’s daytime, has been for quite a while, and yet it’s as if the light barely manages to cut through the dimness, reflecting everyone’s emotions. The shock of what they’ve been through not yet giving way to realizing they made it out alive, they won. And maybe sometimes winning isn’t everything, isn’t enough.

Magnus couldn’t give less of a shit about it. He’s focusing on moving one foot after another, his legs literally feeling like jelly as does the rest of his body. He will not try to figure out his mind. He can’t. Maybe some day. He can’t care for the future right now. Just move one leg, and then the other. At least his arms are rather comfortable, his right one draped around Jace’s shoulders, his other around Alec’s back. And he’s aware of Max and Izzy next to them, Luke and Simon and everyone else behind and around them, spending protection.

 _Alec_. It’s the one thought that has been pervading his mind above anything else, ever since he met him. The one to never let him succumb to his own suffering, no matter how severe.

But he has no sense of how grave his love’s torment is this time, he feels as if he has lost most sense of anything. There’s just too much, too much to even try to come to terms with pieces of it.

“Dot!” It’s as if an oppressive veil is lifted from the group when Ragnor suddenly spots a familiar figure appearing before them. Two of them, but the other warlock Alec has never seen. She seems young, which is of course no telling for a warlock, with short, curly dark-brown hair, soft brown eyes and a kind smile. And her warlock mark is uncanny as he feels quite mesmerized staring at her silver and golden skin that seems to shine and swirl slowly in beautiful patterns.

Dot and her friend look rather relieved. “As soon as we got enough magic back we came to find you; are you alright?” They’re looking them all over quickly, but their attention focuses on Magnus who’s the only one in need of support.

Magnus nods, not wanting to delay things further, and especially not because of people’s concern about him. He doesn’t want to deal with that as long as he feels… too much, and at the same time too little.

“Yes, do you have enough magic to portal us all to the hotel?” His voice is strong enough to nudge his friend into action, but pathetically weak in his own ears.

“That’s why I brought Phil, we have enough combined.” They don’t lose time and open the portal and everyone’s quick to step inside, neither Jace nor Alec loosening their hold on Magnus, and if he could he’d express his gratitude, even though he wishes he were stronger than this, but really he is too depleted to even care about being completely useless. The only worry he cannot shake off is the unease voluting around his insides wickedly, unable to guess the gravity of Alexander’s state of mind with everything that’s happened, everything he couldn’t prevent from happening, and the only thing he’s already certain of is that his need to help him through it will trump his quelling guilt, his own trauma, and force him to move on somehow.

* * *

Though the grand lobby of the hotel is half filled with people, it is rather quiet, almost eerily so. Smiles break out on people’s faces with the new arrivals, however, and a few cheers can be heard, but no doubt seeing how battered, bloodied and uncomfortable most of them appear, they die down again quickly.

“Where’s Catarina?” Magnus inquires from Dot as he watches Lydia and Maia hug, and Imari and Raj reunite in a fierce embrace and kisses that speak of joy of being alive and together, and he squelches the impulse and want to pull free from Jace and crush Alec with affection. It’s not the time for that, and though he feels such wrongness with just the though, he can’t but act upon it.

“She’s resting. she’s performed a few dozen miracles since last night. We didn’t lose one person, and all of us are well or recovering.” Dot answers, smiling gratefully.

“Where’s mom? She’s okay then? If we lost no one, she’s okay, too?” Alec freezes so abruptly his legs give in for a moment and if Luke hadn’t steadied him right away, standing next to him, he might have gone down. He stares at Max who’s still waiting for Dot’s answer while Robert moves to Max’s side alarmed, only just having learned of his wife’s harm.

_Mom._

His mind is catapulted back to those minutes he’d been trying to save her while he had no idea what had been going on with Magnus, but now he knows what he did, now he knows everything… he snaps back when Dot’s voice sounds once more.

“She’s alive, she’s recovering, but she needs a lot of rest still. She barely made it, but she did.” She smiles softly at the young Shadowhunter and Max wipes a tear from his eye, nodding, as Robert crouches down to hug his youngest son tight.

Alec is stunned at Max’s bravery, he looks so fragile, covered in dirt and blood. _Why are they all covered in blood?_ And yet he’s proven himself to already be one of the smartest and bravest Shadowhunters he’s known. And seeing him and their dad like that is adding to the impossibly vast amount of feelings he doesn’t know how to cope with, desperately trying to depress them all.

“Catarina’s instructions for all of you are to eat something, freshen up and rest, and you should listen to her.” Dot looks to where Jace, Magnus, and Alec stand pointedly.

Magnus wants to, he honestly wants to just fall into oblivion. Maybe afterwards he will know what to do, how to speak to Alec, how to comfort him, how to let himself be comforted. Maybe. But oblivion seems too far from his grasp.

There’s light behind them suddenly, and everyone turns as the big main entrance doors open.

“My Queen?” Meliorn steps forward instantly, all the Seelies following his example of bowing to the woman entering, wearing a silk black robe that shines like silver stars which could make the night jealous.

She gestures them to stand, her keen, now dark, eyes seeking out someone, until she stands completely still, gazing at the prisoner who’s been secured at the end of the hall with a few guards next to him.

“May I speak to him?” Her voice is soft, not filled with secrets or laced with untruths. She seems vulnerable like no one has seen her before.

“You’ve got some nerve to come here, making demands, after abandoning us and fighting what you could have prevented in the first place.” Raphael blocks her way and view on Alistair, his eyes blazing enraged, his tongue sharp and scornful.

“I did not come to make any demands, merely to state my request. And I am sorry. Truly. I did, however, let Meliorn come to your aid.”

They can’t deny that, but Raphael doesn’t look any more appeased.

“Raphael, let her be.”

The vampire turns surprised, staring at Magnus who seems torn but most of all, emptied. Raphael cannot argue seeing his friend like this and quickly moves away to deal with his emotions by himself.

The Queen meets Magnus’ eyes for a moment, thanking him, then moves towards the guards and Alistair, without making a sound except the soft rustling of wind filling the atmosphere.

“Let’s adhere to Catarina’s instructions.” He doesn’t want to stay here for another second, unable to deny the Queen’s request, but being with this man in the same room, he can’t do any longer.

Jace nods, trying to get Alec’s attention but he’s still staring into nothingness, or seeing something Jace cannot, and so he moves them along towards the big staircase. Get them up, into a room, shower, eat, or just sleep. He doesn’t want to think. He feels like none of them want to anymore.

“Church!” They still and turn as Max’s excited cry resounds and watch as he runs toward a window where the cats appeared just a moment ago. He has to move on his tiptoes to open it, his arms filled with two purring cats a second later and his smile is breathtaking. “I was worried about you guys, where have you been?” The cats jump back on the windowsill and down, just to reappear again with something in their mouths each. They run towards Jace, Alec and Magnus, and climb up onto their shoulders, while everyone’s watching surprised.

Magnus loosens his arm from Jace’s shoulder to take the object from the Chairman’s teeth, holding it in his hand, staring at the gold and red omamori, quite speechlessly. He can’t remember when he saw it last, always carrying it around, until… he must have lost it, or put it somewhere he forgot, he can’t stop staring at it, so many memories washing over him. Alec takes his stele from Church and stares at it stunned.

“Where did they find that?” Max inquires curiously now, remembering Magnus having to magic all of their weapons and steles away.

Magnus blinks, pulled from his mind, and looks at him. “The loft… all of your weapons are there, I hoped they’d be safe, but I can’t get them back right now.” He glances at the vampires, werewolves, Seelies and Shadowhunters concerned, silently apologizing.

“Don’t worry about that, we’ll send a team to retrieve them. Go get cleaned up and get some rest.” Luke’s eyes are gentle and concerned, but exuding confidence, and Magnus, ironically, is only too willing to give up control to others, feeling more worn out by the second and he’s afraid that soon he and his brave supporters won’t be able to stand at all.

Max beckons the cats back to him, so they won’t bother his brothers and Magnus for now, and he watches with Robert and Izzy as they make it upstairs. “Will they be okay? I mean _really?”_

He meets his father and sister’s eyes, stricken with exhaustion and worry. “They will, with lots of care and time, and our help.” Robert eventually answers, stroking his son’s hair and pulling Izzy and Max close. Simon joins them and gets pulled into the hug by all three of them.

Clary heads upstairs after talking to and hugging her mother, not yet revealing to her how close she came to dying, not yet having come to terms with that, and everything else that’s happened afterwards, herself, just holding onto the fact they’re alive, and so they can heal, eventually. And she needs to be with Jace now, hoping she can provide some kind of comfort. She finds the three of them with Dot, who’s holding out three vials with purple liquid.

“Drink this in bed, it will knock you out for a few hours.” They’re all taking one, thanking her, and Magnus, supported by Alec, heads into the next unoccupied room.

Dot heads past her, smiling and Clary offers a small one in return, then her eyes meet his and time stands still for just a moment.

She knows she can’t do for him what Alec can, being Jace’s Parabatai and having a special bond with him beyond even that, and yet she’s never felt from Jace that she’s been less than that, that she’s been inferior or unimportant, and so she never felt the need to be jealous, on the contrary, she’s so glad Jace has had Alec when he most needed someone, when he was completely alone and lost in the world. And she can imagine it, painfully real, having witnessed Jace’s mostly silent anguish during those months without Alec. She often would have preferred anger, and even violence to the silent, apathetic state Jace fell into most of the time when he couldn’t busy his mind enough to function. And even then, she knew she helped, as much as she could, to get him through. And she won’t ever stop.

It takes a mere instant, just the twitch of Jace’s hands indicating him raising his arms, tears filling his eyes, and she rushes forward and falls into him, their arms closing around each other finally, and she’s finding it a little easier to breathe again.

They stay like that for a couple of minutes, then find a room of their own and help each other to wash off all of the filth and blood and head straight into bed, and she holds him while he cries, clinging to her, unable to form the words for all that pain he’s been feeling, and she knows, understands, caresses him and whispers love and comfort until he’s ready to drink the potion and only when she’s sure he’s fast asleep, without any tormenting thoughts, she lets herself drift off, as well.

* * *

Alec helps Magnus into the bathroom where he can finally sit down on the plush stool, and even before he can contemplate whether he’ll manage to undress himself, Alec’s crouched down, unlacing his dirty boots and carefully freeing his feet from them. Magnus lets him, watching, exhaustion and sadness washing over him, holding him captive, leaving him unmoving. Even the tiny notion to make Alexander just _look_ at him is barely strong enough to be considered. He doesn’t know what to say, is too weak to move much and moreover feels paralysed by the collision of extreme emotions.

Alec undresses him carefully, washes all the dirt and blood off of his skin, then lets him lean back and washes his hair in the sink, his fingers gentle, yet purposeful. Every fibre of him is taut with the goal of functioning to support Magnus with these menial tasks, everything about him feeling off and plain _wrong._ But he gets it. He has to give him that if it’s the only way he can do anything right now. He has to give them both this time, this wrongness, this hiding everything they can’t and don’t want to deal with. It hurts, but he knows forcing it will hurt them both so much more, and they simply can’t take it.

He lets Alec dress him in a soft, warm robe and bring him to bed, cover him with the duvet. “I’ll be back.” He speaks quietly, rushed, and doesn’t linger, but leaves the bathroom door open halfway.

Magnus listens to his movements, clothes being discarded, water running, and the sound of his own breathing, low and quiet, hindered by heavy, smothering sensations, but dull enough to ignore. In his hand he feels the omamori which he hasn’t let go of since the Chairman brought it to him. He can’t even remember where he left it, when and how. They went to get it for him, and though his weary mind can’t decipher why, he’s glad. He won’t let go.

Alec comes back, clean and dressed in a similar robe, slides under the duvet and turns towards him, but then nothing but silence.

Magnus feels they’re both hardly daring to breathe and he forces his head to turn, to look at him in the dim light coming through the window shutters that aren’t fully closed. He’s surprised, his heart missing a beat, to find Alec looking at him, straight into his eyes. His heart beats faster, tiny shudders running over his body, and he’s trying to see, to lure it out of him, what this look means, what his eyes are trying to communicate. It’s nothing, it’s everything, it’s a whole maze of confusion and heartache and desolation.

And Magnus has to admit defeat, he won’t resolve it now, or even all at once. He can’t force it, he will not force it. They’re too fragile, too scarred, too stricken and haunted.

He winces, thankfully only inwardly, or he would surely have scared Alec away, whose hand had moved closer under the cover to find Magnus’ and slid between his fingers, taking him by surprise. He breathes to calm himself, squeezing Alec’s fingers fractionally, just to show him it’s okay, wishing he could do so much more than that. A warmth flickers inside him, spreading gradually, and for a moment he wishes they would not have to leave this moment. Nothing is solved, nothing is dealt with, but they’re together, and it’s quiet, and maybe this is preferable than what’s to come next. Maybe this really isn’t so bad. He’s scared of falling asleep because he will have to wake up, and remember, and again find a way to cope with the unbearable, and more importantly help Alexander cope, as well.

But he drinks the potion when Alec holds it to his lips, and he watches Alec do the same, and there’s no more time for thinking when their eyes close.

* * *

He wakes up gasping for air, his body taut like a vice, every part of him aching. He’s shaking from the nightmare that sneaked into his magic induced sleep when the potion lost its effect. He can’t remember it, he can only feel the aftermath, sweat itching on his upper lip and forehead, icy showers washing over his skin, an eerie sickness squeezing his stomach, his heart racing, his eyes sweaty, burning and blurry.

He jolts when he becomes aware of someone else too suddenly, feeling too disarranged to know where he is, but his reflex to flee is instantly stopped when he sees the tousled dark hair, the beautiful, relaxed face, the nose dimple, those lips. Magnus takes a deep breath and slowly lies down again, turning towards Alec still asleep.

He’s at the hotel, with Alexander. Safe. His mind is foggy and confused, but he needn’t know more than this right now. He moves his head closer, until his nose is almost touching Alec’s, and he holds his breath to listen to Alec’s soft breathing, tiny snores, the sound so painfully familiar, tears appear in his eyes instantly but he blinks them away, just watching the face of the man he can’t be without. Until he’s calm enough, until he thinks he has to move, remembering too much. He moves up, leans in to brush his lips tenderly against Alec’s forehead, hoping he will be able to rest a while longer, dreading him waking up to his own nightmares, and worse, reality.

He moves slowly, trying out whether his legs can hold his weight. Physically he feels stronger than before, just enough to walk on his own. He can feel his magic, slumbering inside him, and he’d like it to stay that way for a while longer. Until… he doesn’t know himself. No clean clothes.

He hovers in the bathroom for a minute, then washes his face and quietly heads out of the room, checking the hallway. It’s all too quiet for a moment, then he hears a door being opened and Max appears at the end of the corridor. He spots him almost immediately, his face lighting up and he comes running, and Magnus quickly closes the door and settles his arms around the boy’s shoulders when he hugs his middle tightly.

“How’re you? I was worried. Is Alec awake, too?” Max looks up at him and Magnus manages a small, wobbly smile. “Alright, no he’s still asleep, and I’d like him to continue for a while.” Max nods in understanding and Magnus looks up when Izzy walks towards them, feeling a sense of relief.

“Magnus, you look a little better.” She smiles and kisses his cheek.

“I am, I just don’t have any unspoiled clothes.”

“Oh, yes, I forgot, give me a minute.” She rushes away, into another room and emerges with some of his clothes. Magnus frowns surprised.

“Luke got them for you and Alec when they got the weapons and steles from your loft, he thought you might need them.” She smiles gently and Magnus feels strange. Touched, ashamed, things he doesn’t want to decipher. He puts on a small smile quickly.

“Thank you, I’ll be right back.” He turns around to get changed in their room, but then gets a thought and turns to Izzy again. “I don’t want him to wake up alone.” His voice is so frail he’s startling himself, his insides raw and sore.

Isabelle seems to understand completely, all of what he means to say. “I’ll stay with him, don’t worry.” She moves her hand over his, lingering there for a moment, until he has to avert his eyes, nods and heads back inside.

He’s very grateful to her, finding it a little easier to leave their room and Alec behind. He doesn’t want to, but he has to talk to someone.

“Magnus!” Catarina rushes towards him the moment she spots him downstairs, and flings her arms around his neck. “I’m so glad to see you, you worried me.” She pulls back and watches him closely. “Everyone filled me in, I don’t even know what to say, Magnus.”

He smiles weakly, shaking his head. “There really isn’t much to say, but you, you healed and saved everyone. Are you sure you aren’t really the most powerful warlock to ever exist?”

Catarina smiles, her hand grasping his. “I’m absolutely brilliant, but I’m pretty sure not that. I had a lot of help, and a lot of potions and spells prepared. I can hardly believe we got so lucky… in that aspect.” She leads him out into an office where they’re alone and sits down with him on a couch.

“What can I do, Magnus?” She suddenly looks extremely concerned and he’s taken aback by it.

“You’re obviously far from well, you’ve been through extreme physical and emotional trauma and you don’t even have enough magic to glamour your eyes or fix your hair, or you’re too absent to even notice.”

Magnus is rather startled by this observation, and the blunt delivery of facts, though he knows her, and he should have been prepared, but truthfully just getting out of bed and down here took a lot out of him, and he just didn’t - couldn’t - think about things like doing his hair or glamouring his eyes. It all feels very unreal and trivial to him just now. He just can’t bring himself to care. But he also doesn’t want people to think he’s too weak, or incapable.

“Do you want me to?” Again she surprises him but he nods and a moment later Catarina’s magic flows from her hand and he feels how his hair moves from his forehead and the sides of his head.

“Make up?”

Magnus ponders for a moment, then shakes his head. It’s just not important. “Only if I’m too hideous to be seen without it.” He tries to joke but instead of amusement he feels bitter regret and heavy sadness.

“You’ll never be that, Magnus. And you’ll get your strength back, but it will take some time, you’ve never used this much power before, it’s probably better if you just take it easy for a while, rest your body and mind and magic.”

He sees the deep worry in his friend’s eyes, the compassion, even awe, and he just nods, looking away. Now he could, he really doesn’t want to talk about what happened.

“Any news?”

“Yes, Alistair’s been taken to the Silent Brothers, and the Queen wants to speak on his behalf, I think she’s planning something, but that’s not of our concern right now. Dot, Luke, and Jocelyn went to Idris to make sure nothing goes awry, and that he gets his rightful punishment, and the Seelies left with her.”

His rightful punishment. Magnus has no idea what that could be. He’s not even sure how he feels about any of it, that man who he would never have considered to be a threat, wielding the greatest power he’s ever known, ever been touched with, to control him, his own power drawn out to all its might to forcibly turn against the people he cares about. What kind of punishment would be appropriate for that? Is the realization of his failure and being used himself by powers no man could ever control without being consumed by them, enough? Magnus doesn’t know, and he’s not sure he even cares, now he’s gone. Out of sight, out of mind. He only wishes.

“Here, take this.”

He’s drawn back from his confusing thoughts when Catarina offers him a small bottle with gold-brown liquid inside. “Nourishment?”

“You need it, and if you manage to eat something later, all the better, but you have to get your strength back.”

She watches as he drinks it. “What about your magic?”

Magnus licks his lips, averting his eyes, placing the vial next to him, his hand brushing the pocket of his pants, and he can feel the slight dent of the omamori inside.

“I rather give it some more time.” He glances at her, hoping she’ll understand, just not enough to see the extent of his dread and uncertainty towards his powers. There’s too much he’ll have to come to terms with, make himself comprehend. Too much to know where to even begin.

She nods and squeezes his hand in a supportive gesture. “Whatever you need.”

If only he knew how to get there.

* * *

When he wakes up, the bed is empty, but before he can panic, his sister comes into view, smiling softly, moving onto the bed, resting her upper body on her arms, watching him.

“He woke before you, he’s with Catarina, so don’t worry, and Jace is still out.” She moves an arm and caresses a strand of hair from his forehead. “How’re you?”

Alec drops his eyes, memories of last… no… it’s still day… daytime, right? He has lost every sense of time if he’s honest, and he doesn’t care for it anymore.

He remembers how his chest tightened the moment they left Jace and were on their own. How he held onto Magnus more, pulled him closer, how all he wanted was to let go, let go and crumble and fall to pieces. But he couldn’t, because Magnus was so weak and hurt and needed help, and Alec had no choice but to be there for him. So he shut it all out, and made himself unfeeling as much as he could, and took care of him. And it worked somehow, but he knew it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t right, he should have done more, so much more… he should never have let him be taken-

“Alec? Hey, come back to me.”

He blinks and meets Izzy’s gaze, full of affection, worry, and sadness, and though she looks rested, clean, smiling slightly, he knows how worn she is, how much she’s had to go through, because of him most of all, and he pushes and pushes until those memories aren’t overwhelming him anymore.

He clears his throat and sits up. “‘M okay.” He rubs his face, runs the same hand through his hair, trying to breathe evenly, deeply, fighting the soreness inside him. If only there was a single part of him still whole.

When he turns to look at her again, she’s sitting on her legs, loosely hugging herself, looking much younger than she is, and he’s reminded of their childhood, how fast they had to grow up and be… this… soldiers, killers, expecting to die young, to obey and be selfless, never selfish, never wanting, never needing, and yet he couldn’t watch her become just a mindless weapon, their love for each other always bigger and stronger than any punishment, any law, and she became his heroine, his light, and he has always striven to make her shine whenever she felt ugly, unworthy, weak, incapable, he found a way to show her she was anything but, and she always found it in herself to shine brighter than before. He’d give everything to see her truly happy one day. He wishes he could at least give that to her, to Max and Jace, and Magnus… Never see them suffering again. He’d give his life a hundred times, if only…

He moves and wraps his arms around her, feeling her tenseness, the surprise, then she relaxes and leans into him, her arms closing around his middle, her face pressed against his shoulder, his nose in her hair and he closes his eyes, wishing he could pour every ounce of love into her, so she’d never feel anything but loved wholeheartedly and undeniably.

“I love you, Iz.”

He feels how she holds her breath for a moment, then pushes more into him, her arms tightening up around him.

“I love you too, big brother, por siempre.”

He can’t but smile, even though it hurts. These days everything hurts, good or bad, but he still prefers this kind of pain than-

“I gotta get dressed.”

He’s still pulled towards Magnus, unable to stay still and rest with him gone, knowing he’s in better care with Catarina and others, yet needing to see him to be sure. He has to make sure, to get a fraction of peace back.

“I brought you clothes, and your weapons, I’ll wait outside.” She kisses his cheek and he kisses her forehead, caressing her hair for a moment before he moves away. “Thank you.”

She nods and smiles and heads for the door as he grabs his clothes and gets dressed, his eyes landing on his new stele. Images of Jace’s runes glowing like sunlight shoot into his mind, then blood, nothing but blood, a voice, Magnus helpless and lost, so many images, visions, flashing and morphing and taunting. He breathes harshly, shakes his head to shake them off, grabs the stele, and his blade from the wall, leaving his bow and quiver behind for now, and marches out fast, needing to be anywhere else than with just himself, wishing he could run from his mind.

“How’s mother?” He needs to focus on anything, anyone, but his inner workings.

“She’s in and out of consciousness, but Catarina assured us she’ll be okay in a few days, you really saved her-”

“Magnus did.” He’s quick to cut her off, feeling icy guilt contracting his insides.

“I know, you did with his help, and it’s not your fault, Alec.” He can’t meet his sister’s eyes this time, because he just can’t believe it.

“Do you want to see her?”

Izzy’s question catches him off-guard for some reason and he falters. He remembers the moments he thought he let her die too well… but she’s alive. He should see her. He nods and follows her to another room, inside the curtains are still drawn and his mother’s lying in bed, her eyes closed, his dad sitting in an armchair next to the bed.

“Alec, are you okay?”

Alec nods quickly at his dad, his eyes pulled back towards his mom, whose eyes seem to open the moment his name was mentioned.

“I’ll leave you for a moment, she still needs rest.” Robert squeezes his arm gently and shuts the door behind him.

Alec pushes the awkward, oppressive feeling down. He doesn’t really want to be alone with her, he has no idea what to say. To anyone.

“Alec…”

Her voice sends a shiver down his neck and he steps closer, barely managing to tug his lips into a half smile.

She lifts her hand a little, slowly, and he moves his to grip hers automatically, surprised her hand feels colder than his.

“I’m here, I’m okay, you need rest, you’ll be fine.” He rattles it off quickly, hoping she’ll just fall asleep again.

“Come closer.” She says quietly and he can’t but obey, stepping forward and leaning down towards her, his heart thrumming for some reason he doesn’t understand, nor why breathing seems harder than before.

Her other hand is suddenly on his cheek, the touch rippling him with shivers. “I love you, I’m sorry, I promise to-” She coughs, her face strained, her hand dropping from his face.

“It’s okay, we can talk when you’re well, don’t worry about anything, just sleep.” To his surprise she nods and closes her eyes after taking another long look at him.

He keeps holding her hand for a long, silent moment, then moves up and away and leaves the room to let his dad watch her again. He just wants to get away, find Magnus.

He descends the staircase quickly, glancing over the people in the room. It must be dinner time, as everyone’s eating, the smell of food turning his stomach in a bad way.

Magnus isn't here and he feels a cold shiver creeping up his spine.

“Alec!” Lydia’s coming into his view and he hugs her back as her arms fly around his neck.

“Hey, you okay? Have you seen Magnus?”

She nods and points towards a door. “He’s in there with Catarina, go on, I’m sure they want to see you.” She pushes him softly towards it, staying back with Izzy and he moves past Maia, Raj and Imari, Helen and Aline, Simon and Raphael and Ragnor, and more familiar faces, all smiling or acknowledging his presence in some way, he himself hardly able to return any greeting, his sole focus on the door, feeling as if it takes him minutes until he finally reaches it.

He knocks with a shaky hand, barely hearing Cat’s voice through the wood as his heartbeat is drumming in his ears, like waves crashing against a shore, and he tries to breathe deeply, sharply, barely getting enough air into him, before he opens the door and steps inside.

They’re both standing, as if ready to leave, now watching him, Cat’s smiling softly and he tries to return it but it falls flat, his hands are shaky and he feels as if he’s losing it, and he doesn’t even know what _it_ is anymore, he feels like pretty much a lost case in any capacity.

“Alec, good to see you, how’re you holding up?”

His eyes stay on her face, though he doesn’t meet her gaze, pursing his lips slightly, giving a curt nod. “Alright.”

There’s a moment of silence between them all and it’s almost suffocating.

“Okay, I’ll see you in a little bit, don’t forget dinner, you need to eat.” She excuses herself and Alec refuses to think of food, his ears following her movements as she walks out and closes the door, and everything inside him tightens and he doesn’t understand it, he wants to run and simultaneously throw himself at Magnus, but all he manages is to stand still, eyes cast downward, just trying to breathe and find a way to calm his heartbeat, to act _normal._ But he seems to have forgotten what that is.

He feels Magnus coming closer, slowly, cautiously, the tightness in his chest almost unbearable, hands suddenly slip into his and they’re moved up and in between them and when his focus falls onto Magnus’ hands, every pressure inside him crumbles.

His nails are ripped in places, the dark purple color chipped everywhere, pieces of skin bloodied and torn.

He’s never known Magnus to forget or not care about looking neat, especially when feeling miserable. He loves dressing up, he loves showing off and being confident, he loves looking pretty, sexy, dangerous, he loves taking care of himself, his outside trying to reflect or deflect his inside. Since knowing him, he has always cared enough.

Oddly, his eyes stay completely dry, biting. He moves his thumbs over Magnus’ bruised knuckles tenderly, stills, and finally looks up, forbidding his body to react with every bit of control he has.

He looks a little pale, clean, no jewelry, no make-up, his hair styled just enough, but his eyes; his eyes can betray, hide, curse, consume, blaze and condemn, or spellbind, charm, enchant, allure, venerate and lay bare.

Alec’s seen it all, felt it all, and yet, from the moment their eyes connected the first time, there was something unique, something prodigious, something only his presence could attract, something just for _him._

And that something let him see, truly see all there is to Magnus, all he wanted to hide from others, himself, him, every single part of him, slowly unfolding like rose petals, until he saw everything. Or thought he had.

He hasn’t seen this brokenhearted fragility. He hasn’t seen this desolate vulnerability. He hasn’t seen this fathomless fatigue. Not ever, especially not in Magnus’ eyes.

He feels obliterated.

His body moves, his arms embracing Magnus around his shoulders, a hand cradling the back of his head, and he holds him against himself, Magnus’ arms closing around his waist, and it’s silent, treacherously peaceful. He’s empty, forsaken, voiceless.

* * *

Magnus’ mind is maddened with worry for Alexander, he’s petrified with fear of doing or saying the one thing that will cut the last thread of perseverance his mind still seems to cling to. He’s terrified of what will happen once that thread’s gone. Even more, much more than for his own psyche.

He feels frightfully helpless.

Minutes pass and the heaviness of their emotions becomes unbearable. He has to break it somehow, carefully, subtly, but he has to do it. He feels strangled.

“Let’s eat something, hm?” Magnus asks softly, forcing his muscles to move backwards, his eyes drawn to Alec’s worn, pale, face. The weariness in those dull hazel depths is crushing, and for once Magnus can’t even guess the magnitude of Alec’s brokenness.

If only someone could actually tell him how to mend him. All this insane power inside him is worthless as to healing Alec, the one thing, the only thing, he wholly needs.

Alec’s not looking at him, nodding vaguely, and Magnus understands, he hopes, and takes it as a good sign he’s still holding him. One miniscule step at a time. He can’t do anything else.

They part very slowly, almost comically if they weren’t so anguished, and Magnus slides his fingers between Alec’s, afraid to let go of him completely, afraid he might slip away, out of his grasp, somewhere he won’t be able to reach him.

While Alec keeps looking down, stepping towards the door, Magnus keeps watching him, Alec’s fingers almost squashing his the moment they walk out, and another reality surrounds them again. A reality where they have to function and conceal all that’s slowly shattering their insides.

Alec feels as if the only piece anchoring him in this surrealness is Magnus’ hand, tightly wound around his own. It’s all that keeps him standing, and makes him go on right at this moment.

The colors, silver and gold, and a sweet sounding French accent draw his attention. “Magnus, I am sorry to disturb you, but I have to leave soon and I wanted to say goodbye.”

“Chère Philipine, vous ne me dérangez pas, je vous remercie beaucoup pour votre aide. Prenez soin de vous.”

Alec watches as Magnus hugs her with his free arm and kisses her cheeks and then her warm, kind eyes are directed at him. “Alec, I am very glad to meet you, hopefully next time will be a less severe occasion and we get to talk.” She smiles warmly at him, turns and leaves and he finds himself looking after her until she’s out of sight, then glances at Magnus.

“Who is she?” There is something about her, the way she looked at him.

“She’s a special friend of ours.” Alec frowns slightly, waiting for Magnus to continue, grateful for any and all distraction.

“Come.” Magnus leads him to an unoccupied table where they sit down, chairs turned toward each other and Magnus takes Alec’s other hand in his, as well.

“I met Philipine, Phil for her friends, but you know I like proper names, especially pretty ones,” he shows a tiny smile and Alec returns it meekly with a nod of his head.

“I met her a long time ago, and quite recently she found me. When you were gone-” Magnus swallows, pain flashing in his eyes. “I was looking everywhere for you, quite literally, and I was looking for a way to get into the hell dimensions without putting anyone or myself in danger, I was sure you had to be there somewhere. Philipine possesses a very unique ability which she keeps hidden from most to protect herself. But she bared it to me and offered her help when she learned about my predicament. She’s able to transfer one’s presence into another place, even another dimension, telepathically, like a hologram, without anyone becoming aware of it. It can be dangerous to her, it is very straining on her mind, and it only worked for a few minutes at a time, but she did it for us anyway. Sadly, it only helped me find more places where you were not.”

Their fingers clasp tighter together as they’re gazing at each other, conveying unspoken but deeply known emotions, by now used to there being no words to confess and express the vast immensity of their feelings for each other.

They’re disturbed by someone calling Magnus’ name, as if looking for him and Magnus turns slightly to look behind him, more and more warlock friends gathering at the entrance.

“Go, it’s okay.” Magnus looks back at Alec, a little surprised, not wanting to leave him, but needing to thank his friends somehow, for all they’ve done, all they sacrificed.

“I’ll just be a minute.” Magnus promises and Alec nods, pulling his hands back, emitting a feeling of great loss inside Magnus he quickly tries to shake off.

“Don’t worry, I’ll entertain him.” Catarina’s suddenly by their side and Magnus thanks her greatly, silently, before he walks away.

Cat sits down on his empty chair and seeks out Alec’s eyes.

“You have to get some sustenance into you, Alec.” She holds up her hand at his attempt to speak. “But I can tell you’d probably puke it right out again, so drink this for now.” She reveals a vial of gold-brown liquid, grabs his hand and closes it around the flask. “Tomorrow, you have to eat and drink properly again, okay?”

He nods and she seems satisfied, if wary, but she stands. “Someone else wants to see you, I’ll find you later.”

Alec is surprised, who does she… then he feels it and a moment later, Jace and Clary appear at the bottom of the stairs and Jace’s keen eyes find Alec instantly, he talks to Clary momentarily and hugs her, and then comes to him. Alec puts the vial quickly but carefully into his pocket, stands up and walks a few steps to reach his Parabatai, their embrace tight and lingering and needed.

Alec presses Jace closer against him when the moment to part arrives, in a sad attempt to offer extra care, gratitude, amends, and affection, wishing so badly he didn’t have to suffer through all of this with him, wishing there was a way to unburden him.

He feels Jace’s fingers on his neck at his hairline, gently pressing, and Jace’s forehead against his temple answering him, and then they let go and sit down.

“We don’t need to ask each other how we are.” Jace states, his eyes roaming Alec’s face and Alec nods, pressing his lips together, interlacing his fingers in his lap.

“But I do want to know why you did it, I don’t mean why you risked your life, but how did you know?”

Jace’s words are rather cryptic, but Alec knows exactly what he means. He averts his eyes, pressing his fingers together tighter to focus on the ache.

“You know that voice in my head, god how I hate saying that, it makes me seem as insane as I feel.” He jokes despairingly, then halts and swallows, focusing on Jace’s hand that shot out towards him, covering his hands now.

“He… it told me it was the only way to save him, but it didn’t tell me I would die until it was too late, but…” He would have done it anyway, wouldn’t he? The most awful admittance toward your Parabatai. Jace just nods, understanding.

“I honestly can’t believe how lucky we’ve been. It doesn’t feel real, none of it. And if Magnus hadn’t found the way to destroy the stones, I don’t think you or I would be here now.” Maybe even more. Most likely. But they are. It just needs to sink in.

“In a way I don’t feel like I’m here anymore.” Alec whispers, his eyes suddenly blurred, suddenly pulled into Jace almost harshly, held rigorously, bruisingly tight, and it helps to ground him, to breathe a little easier.

“You are, you’re here, you’ve made it, you’ve given more than anyone should ever have to. But you are here, I feel you and you feel me, and you’re not alone, and whatever you need we’re all here for you, Alec, you just need some time, okay? You’ll be okay.” Alec feels Jace’s breath in his ear, his head against his own, and he inhales and nods just enough for Jace to feel it.

“Okay.”

Jace pulls back after a long moment, cupping Alec’s cheek, staring into his eyes, searching, knowing, hoping.

“I know it’s a bad time, when isn’t it, but mom wants to see you, all of us, and Magnus.”

Alec’s features darken. “What, when? I saw her not that long ago and she fell asleep.”

“Dad said she woke suddenly and begged him to get us all. I don’t know.” He looks as confused as Alec feels, and Alec brings his hands up to rub his slightly stubbly jaw and cheeks, sighing, feeling drained from even the energy to get off this chair again.

“I don’t know, I just don’t want…” He closes his eyes and drops his hands in defeat, knowing he’ll go, whether he wants to or not. There’s never any escaping what he doesn’t want to do. He learned that viciously by now.

“I’ll tell Magnus I’m going but he doesn’t need that right now.” Jace nods and they head for the entrance where Magnus has been bidden farewell to his warlock friends.

He shares a small smile with Clary who’s been waiting with Lydia and Maia, then stills as his eyes fall on Magnus, hugging another friend goodbye before he turns, as if sensing he’s being watched, their eyes connecting, and Alec’s shuddering, falling and at the same time finding just a little more strength. They slowly walk towards each other, the air suddenly electrified, the dozens of pairs of eyes watching unseen by them.

Alec’s eyes fall down when Magnus stands before him, his fingers rubbing together, then he forces them up again. “Mom woke up, she wants to see us, me - us, but you don’t have to come, you shouldn-”

Magnus looks a little surprised at first. “I’ll come.”

Alec shakes his head. “It’s fine, Magnus, really, I’ll see what she wants.”

Magnus reaches out, grasping Alec’s nervous hand and intertwines their fingers. “Alexander, it’s alright. Come.” He moves towards the staircase and Alec can’t but follow him, unhappy he can’t spare Magnus from even that, and relieved to have him by his side again.

Jace arrives moments before them, standing next to Max, Izzy, and, to Alec’s surprise, Simon, with Robert standing next to the bed. Maryse is sitting upright, leaning against two pillows, her hair loose and unkempt, her face pale, her eyes tired, yet focused on them as they enter. At Alec’s face, their hands, Magnus. Then she looks at them all.

“Thank you for coming, I know there are more important things to be done… I just wanted to talk to you, all of you, just this once.” She takes a deep breath, seemingly having a hard time to speak.

“I want to thank you, Alec, and Magnus, for saving my life, I know your magic made it possible, I cannot repay that.” She looks at Alec, then holds Magnus’ unreadable look for a moment, before addressing them all again.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about my life, my choices and actions, and I’ve started coming to terms with everything I’ve done wrong, and I see clearly how I failed you, all of you, including Magnus, and Simon, and many other people, and I am so very sorry.” She looks at Magnus, then Simon pointedly before she continues, the room eerily quiet otherwise.

“I know why I did what I did, why I believed what I did and why I raised you the way I did. And I never doubted that it was right, but I have, and I see now it wasn’t, not all of it, not essential parts of it. I’ve harmed you all in many ways, I wronged and betrayed and hurt you, and made so many mistakes-”

“We made them, it wasn’t just you, Maryse, both of us were wrong, I failed you, too.” Robert speaks up, openly looking at each of his children, Magnus and Simon.

Maryse glances at him, swallows and nods sadly. “There is no way we can undo these things. And I don’t know whether you can forgive us, whether we deserve your forgiveness. Just know that from now on, I - we - won’t interfere. We won’t make the same mistakes and try to determine your lives for you. You’ve all proved over and again how strong, wonderful, kind, loyal and compassionate you are, how you know right from wrong better than we ever did, and that’s not thanks to us, but thanks to your incredible love for each other, and the way you take care of each other, and I hope you never lose that.”

She closes her eyes, composing herself, and still the room is quiet.

“Maryse, are you-?” Robert looks at her concerned and she shakes her head, holding her hand to her mouth, then she breathes again shakily, her eyes opening.

“I just need you, my children, to know I love you, I’ve always loved you, even when I didn’t show it the way I should have, I love you all more than anything else in life.” Her eyes shine with tears and Max suddenly leaps forward, into her arms, and her tears spill, staining her cheeks as she wraps her arms around him, releasing a quiet sob into his hair, and Izzy moves forward, her eyes brimming, as well, and she hugs them both as her mother holds them both to her, and Jace sits down at the edge of the bed, trying to hug them all and Maryse releases one arm to pull him closer by his neck, kissing his cheek.

Alec hears the sniffle coming from Simon on his right, the sounds of tear-filled breaths and quiet murmurs from his family. He feels his hand, glued to Magnus’, his heartbeat, his body unsteady.

He watches them slowly untangling themselves, one by one, hugging their dad, and then Simon moves to shake his mom’s hand, smiling softly. And then she lifts an arm, reaches out her hand towards him, and he feels frozen, helpless, devastated, unable to shake himself out of it.

Maryse’s small smile vanishes, her face contorting with grief. And though it hurts ineffably, he still can’t move or speak.

Fresh tears stain her face as she nods, trying to find her composure, and then she just seems to give up control, words spilling between endless tears. “I understand, I really do now. I didn’t know… but… I lost you… but I didn’t understand that I had already lost you much sooner. It’s my fault, I know, I never could trust Magnus, I was so sure he would hurt you, get tired of you and cast you away, and leave you broken… I couldn’t see past my own issues, I couldn’t see past my little boy making the biggest mistake of his life, I couldn’t give up this warped need to try and convince you, to make you see I was right, because I was so scared, more than I’ve ever been. I couldn’t see how much he cared for you, how much he changed, or maybe just the image I had of him. You changed, because of him, because of yourself. Maybe you both changed for the better… I’m so sorry, I just couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see how much he loved you, how much he does, but I can now, and I was so wrong, so despicably wrong, and I can never atone for it, I failed you both so much, I don’t know how to- I just don’t know what to do, I’m so endlessly sorry.”

He knows he has to move, go to her, hug her, tell her everything will be alright. And yet he’s still just standing there, aware of everyone staring at him, wondering. He feels a tug on his hand, light, but enough to suddenly coax his feet forward, and Magnus walks with him and he drops onto the bed and his mom is hugging him and he can feel her tears and hear her sobs and his arms come up around her, Magnus’ hand suddenly gone, but he’s still close, still here, still safe, and he wants to say something, raking his mind for any word, but he feels too much to feel anything, so overwhelmed he’s almost numb, and hugging her, sitting here like this, is all he manages. He feels her fingers caressing through his hair, then she moves back, looks at him unreadably, kisses his forehead and caresses his face and then she turns toward someone else, holds out her hand and another takes it, chipped dark-purple nail polish and bruised knuckles.

Alec’s eyes move upwards until Magnus’ face is all he sees, looking at his mother, acceptance in his deep brown eyes.

“Thank you.” Maryse speaks, leaning backwards, undeniably exhausted.

“Rest now.” Magnus answers and steps back and Alec moves off the bed as if wrought, stepping back with him, and he takes a last look at her, meeting her eyes that are fixed on him, before he leaves the room after Magnus.

He slumps against the wall outside, exhaling heavily, shutting his eyes. He feels as if he’s been through several out-of-body experiences in the last couple of days or so, unable to convince his mind of their realness, too exhausted to even try. He’s taken over by this current and he can’t swim against it, and it’s dragging him on and on, piling up feelings he doesn’t know how to handle, on top of the mountain of feelings he doesn’t know how to handle.

There’s a soft, warm hand curling around his cheek and he pushes into it, inhaling and exhaling, then he opens his eyes, gazing into wholly love-filled, golden ones, stealing his breath. And he just wants to drown in them, and never resurface.

The door opens as the others are leaving and the moment of denial and bliss is over. Then fast, purposeful footsteps resound, and Catarina meets them. “I’m sorry, but you can’t rest just yet. The Silent Brothers are here, and they want to speak with all of us.”

Downstairs, everyone well enough to be up is gathering, a dozen Silent Brothers standing in two rows, Brother Enoch in front.

_Thank you all for coming._

He starts to speak when Magnus and the others appear and join the rest of them.

They see that Luke, Jocelyn, and Dot are back, as well, and all of this can only mean one thing, but it can’t be.

_We are glad to see everyone here well, and that a great catastrophe could be prevented, with a lot less destruction and lives lost than expected. Now that the end is here, there is but one thing left to do._

_The case of Alistair Clairmont. The Seelie Queen has made a request to take him into the Seelie realm, from where he cannot leave, banned until his death from going outside, or his life will be forfeit. This request is very unusual and we find it impossible to deem it binding or not. That is why we’ve come, to ask you, more precisely,_ you _, Magnus, whether you want to grant or deny this request._

All eyes fly towards him, and he stands rigid amidst everyone, alone in a crowd, too shocked to attempt to speak. Only when he feels Alec’s fingers intertwine with his, can he push himself. “Why me?”

_Because you are the one who was affected the most by Clairmont’s actions. However, if you wish to have a trial to determine his punishment, we will grant it._

Magnus’ mind is reeling and he glances around, finding the warlock twins Alistair used to open the gate to hell, Roukan, the werewolf who lost his brother, the vampire twins and others affected by Alistair’s manic actions. He’s asking them, quietly, for help, for what they want him to do.

And he finds his answer, though he’s surprised at it, even more surprised that he feels the same way.

“I-” He looks into Alec’s hazel eyes, basking in their warmth and unconditional acceptance for a moment, tightening their hands, and turns to Brother Enoch. “I grant her request.”

_Then it will be done. And now we are leaving._

“What? No, you can’t leave, where to?” Alec is shocked, his fear coming true, and he steps forward, his eyes narrowed, feeling wary and scared.

_We are going back to the Silent City. What we came here for and set out to do is done._

Alec is shaking his head vigorously. “You can’t. What about The Clave? What about the world? We need a new system, we need to rebuild it, change it, make it better, stronger, prevent these things from happening again. You can’t just leave us alone with that.”

_We did what we needed to do, the rest isn’t up to us._

“Who is it up to then?” Alec asks heatedly, unable to understand how they could just leave them in these ruins.

Brother Enoch meets his eyes, the intensity leaving Alec trembling inside.

_You._

Alec starts in shock. _Him?_ There is no way he means… he has to mean all of them.

Brother Enoch takes a step closer.

_I have not only seen your suffering, I have also seen your plans for a better system and coexistence. You don’t need us to create your future, you already have everything you need._

He steps back, his eyes letting go of Alec, looking to everyone.

_Now I bid you all farewell, until our paths cross again._

Alec stares after them as they leave, unmoving, unbelieving, Magnus’ hand in his, and the presence of Jace, Izzy, and Max around them, keeping him from plummeting.

 


	53. Leaving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being so patient with me, and your kind, amazing words. I never have and never will take them for granted, it's still hard to believe anyone likes this and continues to be on this journey with me, it means so much. Most thanks always and forever to my friend and beta AlyxHavok without whom I would never find the courage to post anything. Truly so lucky to have you and sorry about my endless whining and anxiousness... love you! 
> 
> This story, on one hand, takes so much out of me emotionally and mentally, more than anything ever has, and I have to find a way to balance it out and take care of myself somehow, but it's also very freeing in a way to just get it out the way I see it and feel it and have to, even if half the time I think I've done it poorly. Just takes a long time to get in the right head space, and it's really fucking hard to write and I can only hope I can get half of what I mean across, without sounding stupid/illogical etc... especially feelings wise. I usually listen to fitting music, this time I mostly wrote in quiet because the silence in certain parts is oppressive and crushed me, and I don't know if anyone can feel it but that's how it should be.
> 
> Also, I commissioned an amazing artist to draw evil!Alec for me... and he turned out more incredible, phenomenal, beautiful, perfect than I ever could have imagined... go take a look but beware of the eyes especially... http://sfjessii.tumblr.com/post/169127589905/bbmonarch-commission-for-sfjessii-for-her

“Are you ready for this?”

Magnus turns his head to look at him, trying to keep the worry and unease he feels inside hidden.

His pale skin is illuminated by a dim street lamp, the dark shadows under his eyes palpable, months of weariness in the way he holds himself, diminishing the shine in his hazel eyes.

Alec’s looking up at the star studded night sky, slightly shivering from the frosty air, his hands firmly pushed into the pockets of his coat. He starts to shake his head, his mind full of doubts, his shoulders shrugging, then he gives a quick nod, glancing over at Magnus, his chest tight and sore, his eyes filled with worry and unease of a different kind.

“Are you?”

Magnus blinks, surprised at the softness in his voice, for some reason not expecting Alec to think of him at all in this moment. He averts his eyes before he takes courage, moves his chin up, staring directly at him, and nods. “Yes, I am.” He has to be.

He steps forward and wields his hands in a circle, relieved when he feels the familiar energy buzzing in his very veins, on his skin, and lets go of the magic he’s been afraid to free for days.

A portal opens before them and Magnus offers a hand to Alec who steps forward, pulling his hand from his pocket hesitantly, touching Magnus’ fingers tentatively at first, then slides it into place, holding onto Magnus’ firmly, their eyes locked in silent understanding.

They step into the portal, the Church behind them dark and quiet.

 

~ Five days earlier ~

He can feel Magnus’ hand, gently gripping his arm just above his elbow, he senses Jace, Izzy, Max, and his dad behind and next to him, Lydia and Luke, Raphael and Simon. _If I pass out, I won’t hit the ground, they’ll catch me._

He doesn’t know why that’s the prominent thought on his mind, but he thinks he’s maybe clinging to it because it’s the only one he isn’t terrified of thinking.

Brother Enoch couldn’t have meant _him,_ simply because one person can never again rule over everyone else, he’s part of so many, a tiny part at that, and there are hundreds more capable than him, and if he weren’t in shock, he would laugh out loud at the mere ludicrousness his mind is spinning.

Maybe he can just stay standing right here forever, and everything will work out fine around him, and when he opens his eyes, there will be nothing left to be afraid of.

The instant that thought arises, he knows he doesn’t have the privilege to be that coward.

There has never been enough time to recover, and this is no exception, if anything it’s even more pressing than before, because their whole world and everyone living in it depends on it.

“Alec.”

He feels Lydia’s hand gripping one of his, the blue in her eyes sharp, yet concerning when he opens his, aware of Magnus standing right next to her, yet he stays focused on her face, desperate for strict guidance when all he wants is to crumble and disappear.

“Are you here with us?”

He nods, noticing how she seems to relax minutely.

“Good, then you know what to do. We’ve been through this scenario, remember? We’ve worked with Luke and Raphael and Magnus on this, on the what if. Now’s the time to implement that.”

They did, they’ve worked for months on a sort of secret project. How to make the Shadow World better, unite everyone and work together, as equals. In case The Clave was ever going to let them, finally change… but it’s destroyed. And he never saw that coming. Where do they even begin?

“We should head back to the Institute, get the documents and reach out to every Institute and every Downworld leader. We have to let everyone know what happened, our plan for the new Accords and leaderships, and how we hope to all help each other in the immediate future.”

Alec has always worked best with guidelines, being told exactly what to do, and able to do it exceptionally well, because he trained himself, pressured himself to do it better than anyone else, so he would not disappoint, so he would one day become the best leader he possibly could be. Things have changed, however, and he was forced and challenged to question and rethink, for his mind to think independently, critically, compassionately and fairly. And he succeeded a lot of times, failed a lot too, and learned even more in the process.

Right now all he wants is to be taken by the hand and commanded, so he can simply function and pretend nothing else exists. He doesn’t have the first clue what else to do about any of what happened, and he can’t dwell on it, they have to act. Everything depends on it. _Everyone_.

He glances at Luke and Raphael who seem to be in agreement, searches out everyone else’s faces, their determination guiding him.

Finally he dares to meet Magnus’ eyes, and he’s more than surprised to not find brutal devastation in them. Exhaustion, yes, but mainly there’s consolation, warmth, understanding.

“I’ll stay here with Catarina to clean up.” Ragnor’s voice disrupts the quiet, pulling Alec out of whatever he’s been in completely.

He leaves Magnus to talk to Ragnor and Catarina, quickly checking in with the others, listening to Luke and Raphael and their plan of conduct once they’re back at the Institute, needing to contact their people all over the world as quickly as possible, and avoiding any kind of panic amongst Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike.

“Will you be okay with this?” Magnus asks, his mind single focused on the tasks before them, evading everything else vigorously.

“Yes, we’ll be fine. Dot and a few other warlocks will help to fix the destruction and erase what happened from humans’ minds. Once we’re done here, we will join you.” Cat answers confidently and Magnus is, once again, sheer amazed at his friend’s strength, hugging them both quickly before everyone’s leaving for the Institute or to help mend the chaos outside, Maryse and a few other injured people remaining.

The next hours go by in a blur as the New York Institute is coming back to life, everyone - despite what they’ve all been through - at their best, working relentlessly, most importantly together, to make their huge task reality.

And when everyone is up to date and in consent, they finally stand united, open video links to every single Downworld and Institute leader, and there’s no wavering in their words, and no weakness in their stands, showing a perfectly joined front to the world - except they’re not just showing it - they _are._

Seeing Shadowhunters from different Institutes, werewolves, vampires, warlocks, and a Seelie - as Meliorn joined them again, permitted by the Queen to work with them, and speak for their people - together, as equals, seems to heighten confidence in their words. They disclose every detail of what happened, their plan of how to run the Shadow World in the future, leaving room for suggestions and wishes, making sure everyone knows they want their voices to be heard, to work with them and not force another government before them they have to adhere to.

After the initial shock of The Clave’s dissolution, they take several hours to answer questions, have discussions and make alterations, listen to advice and concerns, and include proposals to their original plan, when finally, to everyone’s great surprise, at least for the time being, a verbal agreement seems to have been reached - with everyone.

Their desperate wish for change, justice and equality brought them together, and some stubborn, narrow minds could be changed or overruled by the clear majority.

Once the screens turn black, they know the real work lies still before them. Agreements have to be drawn up in writing, sent to everyone and be signed, decisions of who will fill which position have to be made, the new Accords have to be created, a few of them have to go to Idris to make sure everything will be set up for those who’ll take up the positions there.

But for now they’re taking time to breathe.

A few people have fallen asleep on their desks, and some are sitting on the floor, leaning against the walls, eyes closed, exhaustion, but mostly relief on their faces.

Raj and Imari, Helen and Aline, and Luke and Jocelyn just said goodnight, Robert, Max, and the cats showing them to bedrooms they can use while here. Clary and Jace are resting on the floor, their heads leaning together, their arms around each other. Simon and Maia are talking quietly as Izzy and Lydia are still navigating the screens before them, once again checking that everything works right and that the Institute is still guarded and safe from danger, as well as the city from demon activity.

Magnus lets his eyes roam once over the whole room, then focuses on Alec next to him, the two of them the only ones still standing, hardly having moved at all. Alec’s still staring at the shut down screens, but Magnus gathers he’s still lost in his mind somewhere. And he wants to find the gentlest way to draw him out.

If only he wouldn’t feel so restrained himself. He knows what they just did is unprecedented and truly amazing. And there’s a sense of pride for everyone, admiration and so much hope and trust in their future. In such a short span of time everything seems to have changed again, and finally in a really good way. It doesn’t feel real yet, but he knows it will.

Those feelings are suppressed by all that’s weighing on him, all that’s been silent and waiting. And he needs it to stay that way. He knows he will cope, somehow, because he always has, but Alec… he had to shut part of himself down to be able to muster the strength to get through this day, and Magnus feels an enormous sense of veneration for him, even more regret and empathy. No one would have even looked strange if Alec would have needed some time away, if he hadn’t managed to stand with them through this. But the moment they had stepped into the Institute, he had done exactly what needed to be done, found the right words and radiated calm and confidence which helped a lot of others to do the same.

But what it must have cost him, what he must have sacrificed all over again to do the right thing for everyone else - Magnus understands that this is the only thing Alec could have done, choosing everyone before himself, and he also understands that it’s another few cuts, another burden on his soul, another big blow to his recovery he hasn’t even been granted to begin.

He glances backwards as he senses eyes on him, meeting Jace’s tired, plagued gaze. He too knows, of course. He glances sideways towards Izzy and Lydia, their expressions drained and worried. He thinks of Max, Robert, and Maryse, his head turning back to Alec, still far away. They all know their fate and happiness is ultimately connected to his well-being, and they may never have had more reason to fear for him.

Quietly, he moves into Alec’s field of vision, his fingertips brushing the other man’s, immediately causing a ripple through him, and his unfocused eyes sharpen, coming to rest on Magnus.

“Let’s go?” Magnus whispers, his gaze intense, yet unalarming, hoping he can spend a little comfort in whatever way Alec needs.

Magnus is holding onto Alec’s fingertips, trying not to feel unsettled as Alec’s dull eyes turn downwards, his body language clearly revealing he doesn’t know what to do, how to be now, after his purpose seems to have ended. He nods eventually, subtly, and turns towards the offices instead of the bedrooms, but Magnus walks with him, sharing a last glance back with the others.

Alec opens the office of the Head of the Institute - drawing a blank as to who that will be from now on - slowly walking inside, looking around. His hand is tightly wound with Magnus’, and though he doesn’t know what he feels at all, it’s a little easier to breathe having him close.

It has gotten alarmingly simple to ignore his body’s cries for rest, and though he knows he needs it to be able to function again in a few hours, he feels no urge to go to bed. He knows finding real repose is impossible.

He reaches out his free hand, his fingers sliding over the papers on the desk, the wooden pen holder and the paper knife. These objects feel real, Magnus’ hand feels real. It’s all he can focus on. Until the silence stretching out in all of the Institute becomes suffocating.

He breathes sharply, turning abruptly, and Magnus holds his breath, his heart hammering in his chest, suddenly alerted. Alexander’s eyes show a multitude of torments, none of which he seems capable of voicing. Magnus feels like succumbing to powerlessness again, but he refuses.

“Come, let’s lie down for a while.” He says gently, carefully letting go of Alec’s hand, bringing both of his up to grip Alec’s jacket, sliding it off his shoulders, a shiver surging through him as their eyes connect again.

“Take off your shoes.” He instructs quietly, taking off his own jacket and shoes as he watches Alec’s every movement, glad he’s complying, sensing how in need he is of something he most likely can’t tell himself.

Magnus walks to the couch, adjusts the cushions on one end of it, and lies down, patting the space next to him, and Alec follows immediately, gently pushing a leg between Magnus’, his torso and head coming to rest on Magnus’ body, his cheek pressed to Magnus’ collarbone.

Magnus grabs the blanket folded up on the backrest of the couch, spreads it over Alec, and leaves one arm firmly around his back, the other moving up, his fingers burying themselves in Alec’s hair, softly scraping the back of his head.

He doesn’t speak or try to make him speak. He knows words can be healing, but wound more when spoken forced at the wrong time, and he intends to give Alec all the time he needs to figure out the words he wants and needs to say, whenever he does. He will have to do the same for himself.

It takes a long time for Alec’s breathing to change, telling Magnus he’s finally asleep, giving him the chance to try himself.

* * *

They get woken by footsteps, voices and other noises when it barely started to dawn, and Magnus wishes they both could have got a few more hours of rest, knowing it’d be futile to try again when Alec’s up, grabbing his jacket and putting on his shoes. They freshen up and change, then join those in the ops room.

They’ve already built different teams to manage their various tasks in the next few weeks, and Magnus and Alec join Robert, Luke, Lydia, and Meliorn to go to Alicante.

The wards of the demon towers have been left down, and once it’s determined who will work and live here in the future, they will have to be altered to pose no harm to those.

It’s a strange feeling for everyone to step into the Glass City, with few remaining Shadowhunters as guards, the Accords Hall and Council empty. They meet with the resident families, once again making sure, face to face, that they will cause no disruption or opposition against the new Accords and all they entail - mainly Downworlders working and living side by side with Shadowhunters everywhere, even here.

They speak briefly with ex-Inquisitor Herondale, who shows genuine remorse, yet will never again have a position of power in their world, and neither will any other Shadowhunter in this form.

They set up the tech they’ll need to navigate, support, inform, and control any kind of incident that may occur, transforming The Clave into mainly an observation headquarter, responsible for monitoring every disturbance, providing complete transparency and assistance wherever needed and requested, prohibited to force intervention on anyone unless the concerned party isn’t able to solve the issue themselves, posing a threat to others.

Apart from that, every Institute remains operational, working closely together with the Downworld leaders in their vicinity, on a foundation of trust and equality, abandoning injustice and cruel, unfounded punishments, their main purpose to keep mundanes and the Shadow World safe, providing a better quality of life for everyone in the process.

They’re also changing their educational system, banning all unfair and untrue portrayals of the Downworld, stating only facts, not leaving any part of history they used to hide or alter in their favor out of it, adding the most recent events and a large part about equality and inclusion of all genders, races, and sexualities, hoping that at least the younger generations will not have to deal with that kind of prejudices, fears, and hatred.

For a moment Alec wonders how his life would have been different had he grown up with these changes, the enormity of what had gone wrong resulting in the suffering of so many, not least his own, overwhelming him for a moment. He wants something more for Max, for every child, Shadowhunter or not, but he wants them to learn that there is so much more to life than training, fighting, and killing, expecting to die young themselves. He thought his life was limited to duties, expectations, and repressing parts of himself. And yet he learned that even for him, there were, maybe still are, a lot of opportunities, and he wants them to feel empathy and compassion, pride, confidence and modesty, and know when kindness trumps cruelty, and be smart and careful and self-sufficient, as well as knowing the value of others.

He wants them to be able to be themselves, to love whoever they want to, to build a wholesome life truly worth living, apart from only being soldiers.

He focuses on Magnus, in conversation with his father and Luke, realizing that the pain has been worth it, that all of it must be worth it, to find and be with him - even if he doesn’t know how to be the Alexander he lost anymore, even if he doesn’t know who he is anymore.

The day flies by until they’re back at the Institute, everyone working to the best of their abilities with a hope, want, and courage that’s never been there before, none of them ever having had the chance to build their world how they want it to be, making it better for everyone in it.

Cat, Ragnor, and Maryse arrived a few hours ago, Maryse keeping her promise to trust in her children and friends, and Izzy almost fainted when her mother asked her, Max, and Jace for permission to stay here and help if they wanted her to.

“You should have seen her face. Her jaw literally dropped and her eyes bulged out of her head.” Max fills Magnus and Alec in animatedly while Izzy rolls her eyes and Jace grins as they’re heading to the ops center.

Alec manages a small smile for his brother’s sake, his attention drawn to his father’s receding back. “Excuse me.” He ducks away, walking after him, leaving the others behind, watching him striding away.

“How has he been?” Izzy asks carefully, turning to Magnus, Jace and Max following.

Magnus doesn’t know what to say. He’s been functioning, like he does, but the few times they were alone he hardly spoke or ate or rested, and though Magnus knows he has to give him that crucial time, it hurts him essentially to see him this way.

Somehow his silence is answer enough to all of them, and they walk on quietly.

Jace waits until Max and Izzy are out of earshot, glancing over at Magnus, feeling the need to say something, struggling to find the right words.

“How are you?”

Magnus’ question comes out of the blue, surprising him so much he needs a moment to find his voice again.

“How am I?” He questions, visibly puzzled.

Magnus halts and turns towards him. “Yes, Jace, how are you? Your new rune abilities must be confusing.”

Oh, right. That.

“Yeah, I mean, I don’t really know how and what happened exactly, but I’m just glad it did when it did. If anything had happened differently, not all of us would be here.”

His eyes move to look at Clary, working with her mother in front of a screen.

Magnus follows his eyes, nodding. “I’m glad, too. And you must have had this ability for a long while, maybe you just didn’t have reason to release it. It looks like we’re discovering our real powers in especially extreme situations, that’s when they like to reveal themselves.”

His mind ebbs away and he snaps back when he feels a hand on his shoulder, concern visible in Jace’s eyes.

“Are you okay? You’ve been through something none of us can even imagine. And I know it’s not the same, and I don’t mean to pry, I just know what it’s like, to an extent, to be used by someone else… but what that man did to you-”

Magnus holds up a hand to stop him. “It’s alright, Jace, and you’re right. We’ve always had more in common than I cared to admit, and I’m just glad we found this ground of mutual understanding.”

Jace smiles softly. “We’re not that different, eh?”

Magnus raises an eyebrow. “Well, we still are in quite a few important ways.” He enunciates quickly.

Jace smirks. “Of course. I’ll never be a High Warlock of anything and blast a thousand demons to ashes in just a minute.” He looks rather impressed remembering.

Magnus’ mouth twitches into a smile. “No, that you definitely won’t ever be. But you are very good the way you are, and I hope you will never let anyone make you doubt that again.”

Jace nods, looking serious. “Not as long as I have my family around, including you.”

There’s a spark of insecurity and question in his blue and brown eyes, surprising Magnus.

“That’s right, Jace.” He smiles at him earnestly, glad when Jace returns it more confidently.

Catarina, who’s been talking to a couple of her patients, spots them, and eager to see Magnus, walks over, joining them.

“Hey, guys, how are you? How’s Alec?”

The sudden shift of their thoughts is palpable, their bodies straining, their eyes casting downwards, their minds darkening, expressions somber.

* * *

Alec knocks with two knuckles of his fingers on the sturdy wooden door, even though it’s partly open.

“Come in. Oh, Alec, you needn’t knock.” His father greets him with a soft, tired smile and Alec steps inside, nodding slowly.

“What are you doing?” He asks, watching the box Robert got out of the cabinet.

“I’m just getting the last of your mother’s and my things.”

Alec kind of knew that, but he still seems frozen for a moment. It’s all so real. And yet not at all. And he feels constantly torn between these two conditions.

“So you’re really giving up the Institute?”

His father looks up at him, halting in his movement, meeting his eyes.

“We’re not giving it up, Alec, we’re giving it to someone who can fulfill this role much better than the two of us combined have, and it’s the right thing to do. As far as I’m concerned this is yours, as it should have been for a long time.”

Robert squeezes his arm, then pulls him into a hug and Alec goes with it, feeling too numb with the shock to react differently. He watches his dad grab the last few things and throw them in the box, then he walks out, leaving him in the office of the Head of the Institute on his own.

* * *

Jace has been feeling itchy and restless since talking to Catarina, and takes the opportunity to sneak away when Magnus and Luke give the others an update on Alicante.

It doesn’t take him long to find Alec in the office, sitting on the chair, looking like the weight of the world lies on his shoulders. He knocks to get his attention, walking up to him slowly, feeling a heightened sense of turmoil and doubt from him.

“This looks good on you.” He gestures to the room, mustering a small smile, knowing Alec’s reaction will tell him what he needs to know.

Alec snorts slightly, closing his eyes, rubbing his temple and forehead as if sore.

“You should come eat something, whoever cooked knew what they were doing.”

Alec barely reacts at all this time and Jace walks around to his other side, leans his butt against the desk and tries to catch his eyes as they’re again open, shimmering almost translucent, as if seeing nothing.

Jace leans forward, puts his hand over Alec’s on his thigh and looks at him intently. “Alec.”

His eyes move almost sluggishly, but finally find Jace’s, suddenly blinking, making him shift more tensely in the chair.

“Sorry.”

Jace shakes his head. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. And I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true. Just come with me, eat something and rest for a while, everything’s working out so far.”

Alec averts his gaze, pulling his hand out from under Jace’s, making him move backwards.

“I’m really not hungry, Jace, or in need of company, I mean, more company.”

Jace is impressed Alec thought as far as his words possibly offending him. And he wishes he would. Just lay into him, give him whatever he needed to get out. He truly would not care, welcome it, take it a hundred times.

He stretches his neck, his joints popping, sighing as Magnus’ words play on his mind. They have to give him space and time and not force him into anything. He doesn’t want to force him ever, he just wants him to do whatever he needs to do to get better. And he knows, as well as Magnus, Izzy, or anyone else, that whatever he’s doing now is not it. But he’ll wait.

“Alright, you just find me when you want me, okay?” He bends down to hug him, trying not to feel disheartened with the weak one armed hug he’s getting back, and marches out before he can say anything else that would probably make it worse. He meets Catarina in the corridor, wondering where she’s headed, but walks on after greeting her.

He gives Magnus a telling look once he’s back, then turns to the others. “Okay, who’s got time for some proper training? I need at least a couple opponents, please.”

Aline and Helen exchange a look. “We’re in.”

“Us too, if you can handle a couple more?” Raj challenges him, Imari smirking at his side.

Jace looks pleased, knowing physical distraction is all that will work for him right now. “You’re on, meet me in ten.”

They leave to get changed and Izzy puts an arm around Clary. “You okay?”

She nods, looking at the empty space Jace was in a moment ago. “I know it’s all he can do to… you know, drown out the pain.” She meets Izzy’s eyes, tears shimmering in her green ones and Izzy wraps her arms around her friend.

“I know it’s really hard, but we have to believe they’ll be okay.”

Clary nods, wiping her eyes. “I’ll check on our moms.” She heads away with quick steps, leaving Izzy rubbing her face tiredly.

Magnus puts a hand on her shoulder in a comforting gesture and waits until her dark eyes are looking at him.

“Don’t despair.” He says gently, coaxing a sad smile out of her.

“Do you remember what you told us before? About enduring what’s unbearable and bear it anyway?”

He nods.

“I know Alec’s here this time, but in some way this is even harder, because we all want to help him so bad, and maybe we could if he’d let us, but he won’t, at least not yet, and everyone’s so busy, we can focus on work and exhaust ourselves and stall dealing with our issues, but one day we will just burst and then what? I mean, we could always attend group therapy.” She smiles cynically, tears welling in her eyes and Magnus pulls her into a hug, and she clings to him. Not for the first time does he wish he could simply erase everyone’s memories.

“I don’t know what will happen, either, Isabelle, we just have to hold onto hope and be there for each other. I’m sorry that’s all the wisdom I have right now.”

“Don’t be sorry, Magnus, I’m so glad you’re here, and not just because of Alec, but because I love you and you’re my family, and I also need you to be okay, and I know you seem more together than him, but I think you’re just better at repressing it. Just know if you need me I’m here, all of us are.” She pushes back, kisses his cheek and lets go of him. “Will you go to him?”

Magnus nods and she wipes her eyes. “Okay, I’ll clean up and get my shit together.” She smiles a little and Magnus watches her walk away, his insides clenching, stricken with worry for all of them.

To his surprise he finds Alec on the couch, asleep, Max, Chairman Meow and Church with him, the boy curled around Alec’s side, the cats on top of them. He leans against the doorframe, tension falling off of him, leaving him feeling depleted enough to last half a century. He loses time watching them, eventually, when the Chairman yawns and stretches, he gets shaken out of it and closes the door behind him, walking around aimlessly, pondering over his memories of this place, most of them bad or neutral, until Alexander… he suddenly halts when he finds Ragnor and Lydia in the living quarters, playing a game of chess, which Ragnor doesn’t seem sure of winning.

“Magnus! Please fill in for me? I’m already half an hour over my break.”

Ragnor’s anything but amused to lose a worthy chess opponent, but Lydia’s unfazed, disappearing where Magnus just came from after giving him a quick hug. He sits down on her chair, studying the board for a moment.

“She would have won.”

Ragnor shrugs. “She’s too ambitious.”

Magnus smiles a little and leans back, studying his friend’s face.

“Don’t do that thing, I’m probably the last person you need to worry about right now.” He waves him off and Magnus relents, though he knows that’s not quite true.

“I assume you’ve been with sleeping beauty?”

Magnus frowns, not sure how he knows Alec’s asleep when he’s been here playing chess.

“Why do you think he’s asleep at all? Cat brought him another potion, and I have yours.”

Magnus barely catches it as his friend throws the flask at him.

“You need to work on that, maybe after you slept, now shoo, you look like warmed up death.”

Magnus frowns deeply, then can’t but chuckle airily at Ragnor’s movie reference, getting back onto his feet.

“Thank you for the compliment. I’ll return it next time.”

Ragnor waves him off, still trying to figure out a way to win the game after all, and Magnus leaves him to it. It seems no one is in the mood for talking about what happened, and he knows he really isn’t, either. He wouldn’t know where to begin, glad that his memories, so far, haven’t got the better of him. He knows it’s all just a matter of time, everyone seems to run on borrowed energy right now, capable of subduing their trauma, but it won’t stay like this.

He plays with the flask in his hand, wondering where to go. He won’t go back to the loft, not without Alec, and he really doesn’t seem to even want to be there. There’s no room on the couch, either, so… Alec’s old bedroom. Memories of being here flood his mind as he steps inside, his eyes roaming over the bare walls, empty desk, cupboard and closet. The strongest recollection of this room is the one of Alec sitting on the bed, staring at him as if he were a stranger he’d never seen before. That could have been yesterday, or a lifetime ago. Everything feels surreal almost.

Magnus isn’t sure whether this is where he wants to stay, whether he even wants to sleep, but he can’t let himself fall into that cycle of self-denial. He has to function, too, and he knows Alec isn’t alone and will sleep for a few more hours at least. He wonders whether he should find Catarina, or anyone else, go back to Ragnor, whether he should be left alone at all… _unguarded._ He closes his eyes, exhaling slowly, shaking his head. He’s just being stupid, and exhausted, and scared, but he doesn’t have the luxury to be that right now. He manages to calm himself enough to sit down on the made up bed, take off his shoes and lie down on his side, then he opens the flask and swallows the liquid without further debate.

* * *

Max is woken by a rough, wet tongue licking his nose. He pulls a face and blinks, the Chairman’s face so close his eyes are tearing up. “What’s the matter?” He whispers and wipes his face, remembering Alec’s here too.

He sits up and looks at his brother, relieved to find him fast asleep. “C’mon, let’s let him sleep.” He gets up, slips into his shoes and walks quietly towards the door, pushes the handle down slowly and lets the Chairman out first, then turns back towards Church, who is still lying on Alec’s stomach, looking rather lazy.

“C’mon, Church, you’ll be hungry soon.” Max whispers and coaxes him and finally he relents, gets up, stretches, walks off the couch and trots out of the door, which Max closes quietly behind them.

He’s not sure what time it is, no one seems to have a proper routine anymore, everyone rests whenever they’re too tired to go on. They’re heading for the kitchen to find water and food, greeting the few people who are on a break there, then he heads out to find his parents or siblings or Magnus. He pushes an office door open when he hears Luke’s voice, and finds Raphael, his dad, Jace, and Izzy with them.

“No offence to Nephilim, but we will need to make changes to accommodate every race, and make sure the vampires are safe from sunlight at all times, wherever they’ll be working and living.”

“That would certainly install new confidence in my people that none of this is just an empty promise.” Raphael adds. “Don’t get me wrong, we are in this together, but actions still speak louder than words, and there will be concerns due to past failures until everyone sees real change.”

Robert nods. “That’s understandable.”

“Why don’t you, Luke, and Raphael, and maybe Catarina or Ragnor if they want, go back to Alicante and contact your architect friend and see what’s possible and what everyone would want to be satisfied?” Izzy suggests, Luke and Raphael nodding in agreement.

“I will request a meeting right away.” Robert offers and leaves, greeting Max on his way out.

Max gets his hair ruffled by Luke and Raphael, rolling his eyes, then hugs Izzy and tells her he’s fine, and that Alec’s still sleeping, and when she leaves, his attention falls on Jace, who’s quietly sitting on a chair against the wall, looking down at his bare forearms that are covered in bruises and a few welts.

“What happened?”

Jace looks up startled, as if he didn’t know Max was even here, then he glances around, frowning, as if he’s surprised to find the others gone. He smiles a little at Max.

“Just training four against one, can’t fend off every attack.” He winks and pulls his sleeves down.

“Why didn’t you use an iratze?”

Jace shakes it off. “It doesn’t hurt. How ‘bout you? How’re you doing?”

Max shrugs. “Alright, better than most, everyone’s just working, sleeping and working more. And no one’s talking about what happened.”

Jace interlaces his fingers, glancing down, then looks at his little brother again. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

Max sighs and leans back against the wall, staring ahead.

“I want… to go on a holiday. All of us, just away from here.”

Jace smiles subtly. “Sounds pretty good, but I’m afraid that’s not gonna be possible for a while, you know the work we’re all doing now is crucial.”

Max nods. “I know, I’m not stupid, I get what it means. I just wish you could also be selfish and do what’s best for you, because I don’t want to lose any of you.”

“Max, you won’t, we’re all here.” Jace looks puzzled, worry gnawing at him.

“Physically you are.” Max sighs and shakes his head. “It’s fine, whatever.”

He runs out, not listening to Jace calling after him.

Jace drops his head into his hands, shutting his eyes, pulling on his hair, pushing out a heavy, frustrated sigh. He gets Max better than the boy thinks, and he too wishes they could… do things differently, but he doesn’t know how. It’s better to suppress it for now, or try to. Once Alec starts to heal, he will too, he knows that’s for sure, he just doesn’t know anything else, and he feels guilty for how sad Clary is because he’s running from talking to her, still craving her comfort and reassurance she won’t leave him alone.

He thought he came pretty far, but recent events showed him he’s still the same useless failure when others would need more from him, be a real fucking hero, but he’s never actually been that. He can’t even help his Parabatai, or girlfriend, or little brother, least of all himself. What does that make him? Where does that leave him?

* * *

He wakes with a start, his body jolting, brutally pulled out of his dreams, nightmares, whatever they are. He’s gasping for breath, shuddering, his arms coming around himself shakily. He’s staring at the dark brown pattern of the couch, trying to calm himself. He realizes he is alone or whoever might have been here would have made themselves known by now. He’s a little relieved, at least for the moment he isn’t a burden for someone else.

Except that he is, always. Jace can’t run from him, and Magnus, and Izzy, and everyone who’s constantly forced to care about him.

He really can’t take it anymore, all he wants is to be irrelevant, just for a little while, just until he found a way to be different. A way to cope with this insanity of mixed up feelings, memories and thoughts. Whenever anyone is looking at him, it’s written all over their face. All the questions, the concern, wanting to help. He hates himself for it, and a lot of things, but he can’t stand it. And acting like nothing out of the ordinary happened is getting harder every minute.

He’s amazed it’s been working so well so far, but he doubts he will be able to keep it up. And he knows, with absolute certainty, that they will start to ask, to talk, to expect him to do the same. He already wants to disappear, hide where he can’t be found, until they’ll give up and leave him in peace. Why is he so awful? Why would he think like that? He doesn’t want to be so damn selfish, he knows how much everyone’s hurting, and has been suffering, mostly because of him. How can he even think like that? He should get off this couch, take a shower, change clothes, and ask everyone else how they are and how he could help. That’s what he should do, that’s his responsibility. Care for them, not for his self-centered, guilty, pitiful self.

But he knows he can’t do it. He doesn’t have that kind of strength anymore, and he’s afraid of something he can’t name or grasp, he just feels it deep within, a tremor, a sickness, something pulling him under, taking a hold of him, making his limbs heavy and immobile. So he stays put on that couch, a part of him drowning in shame, hoping no one will come looking for him, another part silently screaming for someone to please make it stop.

* * *

Magnus wakes up from a jolt surging through him. His mind is foggy with ripped memories of an unconscious dream. He sits up, pushing his fingers into his eyes, sensing something strange which makes him pause. His fingers are tingly, and when he opens his eyes he perceives the faintest blue light flickering on his fingertips, flowing with the movement as he bends and stretches them.

He can feel his magic; vibrant, whirring, and humming, stirring him up, his breathing rash, his senses heightened, an innate desire loud and clear. He stands, watching the palms of his hands, dark blue energy licking his fingers, craving, calling, to be used, to be set free.

He wants to oblige, feel it all around him, the power to make anything happen, create, transform, erase. _Anything._

He cries out in enraged pain and regret, stifling the urge, compelling his magic to retreat, to hide and wait.

He's shaking, taking deep breaths, straightening his clothes, willing whatever was about to push forward and overtake him out of his mind, memories flaring up of feeling abused, powerless and ripped apart. His head is spinning, images flashing in such quick succession his mind can't hold onto a single one, his eyes shut, his hands on his head, pushing and pushing them away, until he finally succeeds, his arms dropping as he falls back on the bed, needing several minutes to steady himself.

Once he feels stable enough he leaves the room, just to find Catarina and Ragnor heading towards him, looking concerned.

“Are you okay? We could sense your magic.”

Magnus sighs inwardly with regret, then motions for them to follow him, finding an empty office to where they sit down before he starts to talk.

“I think it tried to make me use it.”

“Why, how?” Cat frowns deeply and Ragnor doesn't look any more chipper.

“I don't know, I woke up and it woke, too. I guess I've repressed it for a while now, and it wants to come out.”

“So let it.” Ragnor advices, and Magnus doesn't miss the unhappy look Cat sends their friend before she focuses back on him.

“While I don't think it's as easy as Ragnor suggests, he might still be right. You have to get used to it again.”

Magnus rubs his forehead, his head leaned to the side, feeling rather weary now.

“I know, but... I just don't want to, yet... everything's so... different.”

“Different how?” Ragnor inquires, his frown so deep it makes his face look comical and Magnus would have appreciated it any other time, but he's really struggling to find the right words.

“It's... It feels different. I never truly hated my magic, not in itself, I hated not being in control of it and the devastation it could bring, but... It was comforting to me. It helped me feel less lonely, provided me with what I needed to survive. It just is. And I never really questioned it. But now...”

He lowers his hands and looks down at them. “Everything feels so uncertain... and theoretically, I guess, it's still the same as before, but I know it's also not, nothing feels like before.”

He glances up, meeting Catarina's understanding, and Ragnor's somewhat confused faces.

“I know that all of it has always been there, inside me, but even though, I feel out of place, in disarray, and I need some time to get myself back in order, and I want to refrain from using magic if I can.”

He looks at them in the hope to gain their support, even if they might lack complete understanding. He's not sure he understands everything himself, actually, he's rather sure he doesn't.

“Whatever you think is the right thing to do, we're here if you need us.” Cat reassures him and Ragnor nods.

“Thank you, my friends.” He feels relief but also more uncertain about what will happen, what will have to happen to make anything feel more normal again. However, his main concern is and will be _him_.

“Do you know whether Alec's still asleep?”

Cat shakes her head. “I was looking for him when I sensed your magic, he wasn't in the office.”

Even though Magnus knows it means nothing, he could be taking a shower, eating something – and he would really wish so – or talking to anyone in the Institute, probably back at work as if nothing else exists, and yet he feels uneasy.

“Let's look for him, we've been idle enough as it is.” Ragnor says with pretend reproach, and Magnus nods, his eyes expressing gratitude.

* * *

Eventually Jace kicks himself into gear to find Max and apologize and try to make him feel better, but he feels worse, sensing Alec too intensely and goes to look for him, fearing he's having a nightmare, soon certain he's awake and somewhere in the Institute. He finds him on the roof, harsh wind whipping his face as he approaches him, stands still next to him, looking out over the street.

His hands and face are red from the cold, as he isn’t even wearing his jacket. Jace shuts his eyes, taking courage, then turns towards him.

“Do you want to talk?”

Alec shakes his head, and Jace spirals inside, but forces himself to stay calm.

“Do you want a hug?” He tries, already sensing more rejection that follows immediately in the form of another head-shake.

“Then what do you want, what do you need, Alec? Because this-”

“I don't know, but I just told you I don't want to talk, so please...”

Jace turns more, leaning back against the stonewall, crossing his arms.

“What then, Alec? You know we're in this together, and I know it's hard, and everything feels fucking crazy and like it will come crashing down on us any minute, but we have to get through it somehow.” He turns his head to look at his Parabatai again, his eyes shut tightly now, his face and body impossibly tense.

“Alec?” He moves his hand to reach him but the moment his fingers touch Alec's arm, he turns away from him, walks a few steps and halts, his hands balled into fists.

“I just want to be alone, Jace. I don't want your questions or advice or worrying, I just want to be alone.”

Jace feels his insides squashed, and needs a moment to recover. He actually smiles sordidly then. “Alone? Really? Neither of us has been alone since our bonding ceremony,” he pointedly leaves out those months Alec was gone, leaving Jace to feel more lonely than ever before, “and I know it's gotten stronger somehow, and that's why I think we have even more reason to figure this out, Alec, together, or at least talk to Magnus-”

“Don't, just don't, Jace.” Alec's turned to face him, agony, grief, guilt, and sorrow warping his features, stabbing the breath out of Jace.

“Alec...” He whispers, tantalized by regret and despair, as he watches Alec shaking his head, his body trembling, turning and walking away, leaving Jace anguished, wondering how they can be even more broken.

* * *

“Alec?” Maryse stops abruptly on her way to look for her children and husband, seeing her eldest son rush into the living-quarters as if he was chased by someone. She hurries after him, but finds the door to the bathroom locked, and after calling out his name once and not getting an answer, she leaves with a very heavy heart, but she understands to make amends she has to give him, as well as herself, a lot more time.

Max and the cats are rushing after someone else as she steps out and she follows them, to find that someone is Magnus, and Isabelle and Clary with Jace, who’s crouching on the floor, his back against the wall, hunched into himself, his arms firmly around his body, his head down, eyes closed, a pained expression on his face from what anyone can tell.

Izzy and Clary are next to him, trying to find out what happened, comfort him, but he doesn’t seem to react.

Magnus steps closer, crouches down before him and puts a hand carefully on his knee. “Jace?”

A flinch visibly passes through Jace and Magnus takes his hand back as if burned. Jace’s head comes up gradually, the turmoil in his blue and brown eyes gripping Magnus, crimping his insides.

“I’m sorry.” Jace pushes out, his breathing troubled, and Magnus feels confused. He knows this must be about Alec, and he wishes he’d be here so he’d know what state he’s in if Jace is like this, but right now he needs to find out what happened.

“I fucked up again.”

The pain in his voice is cutting, and Magnus feels overwhelmed with sympathy for the boy, every bone inside him sore with the impact Jace’s ordeal has on him, and the need to make it better somehow. He moves forward, still a little tentative, but his arms come around Jace, and even when he hears the surprised gasp, Jace’s shock passing through him, he doesn’t pull back, but instead tugs him closer, holding onto him.

At first Jace is completely still and barely breathing, then the shift happens, his hands gripping Magnus’ shirt, clinging to him, his face buried in his shoulder, tears are spilling as a heart-wrenching sob leaves his open mouth. Magnus closes his eyes, his whole being here to comfort him, the sounds of Izzy, Clary and Max’s tears in the background.

* * *

The heat of the water is just shy of burning his skin as it rains down on him, kneeling on the floor, his back hunched forward, his head down, his hair soaked, hanging down like a dark, lifeless curtain while staring at his legs, and the way the water runs over his reddened skin through the steam.

When he blinks, blood mixes with the transparent liquid, pooling around him. He blinks again and it’s gone. He tries not to blink anymore, his eyes burning with unshed tears that just won’t come.

* * *

Magnus leaves after several minutes of holding Jace while he cried, reassuring him none of this was his fault, knowing, now that he managed to let go, he is able to accept the care of others, too.

He wants to see Alec desperately, but the fear of being not enough to comfort him even the way he did Jace, makes him seek out someone else.

“Magnus? You’ve been quiet for a long while.”

He blinks, Catarina’s dark brown eyes watching him intently, bringing him back.

“Sorry, I just…” He’s not even sure.

“I know. It’s okay.” She placates him gently.

Magnus sighs and leans back in the chair, folding his hands in his lap, tired of thinking and feeling too much, and not getting any closer to knowing what it is he could do to make things just a fraction better for them.

“I’m scared of seeing him, and I hate that I feel like this, I just don’t know what to do, how to alleviate his suffering.” He closes his eyes, and Catarina waits.

“For the first time I’ve been using the full capacity of my power, but I feel more useless than ever.”

Again Catarina stays quiet, and he sighs and leans forward, hiding his face in his hands, then drops them and looks at her, her face unreadable.

“If you know what I could do, please tell me.” He’s practically begging her, because he really doesn’t have a clue.

“You know better than anyone how much it takes out of a person to experience tremendous grief and trauma, and even more to work through it. There is no magic spell or cure for this, Magnus, or I’d have given it to you already. I’m so sorry.”

She looks at him as if the embodiment of compassion lies inside her, and Magnus feels guilty for burdening her when he knows there’s nothing anyone can do, except using the time they have. But they’re not doing even that, they’re deflecting and burying and avoiding. And Alec is the worst at doing that, and he will be the first to crack, and he will take other victims.

When he takes courage to go look for Alec, he finds him working with Lydia, Raj, Helen, Aline, and a few others, and he watches him for hours from a distance, his own demons subdued, surpassed by the need to fight Alec’s. He barely talks, only when others do first, he’s dangerously focused and stiff, and he doesn’t take a break to eat or drink, turning anyone down who asks. He’s been living on Cat’s potions, Magnus knows as much, but he won’t be able to do that for very long, and even them combined with the power of his runes and angelic blood, won’t be enough to keep him going while torment of such magnitude is confined inside him, ever growing until nothing will keep it from splitting him open. And Magnus wants to prevent that for him desperately, but he doesn’t know how.

Eventually there are only a few people working left as it’s getting very late, and Alec’s sitting on a chair, staring at a screen as he has been for almost twenty minutes, and Magnus knows it’s time. He walks down the staircase, his steps sounding louder in the stillness of the night, the faint buzz of the tech devices ever present.

His paleness and the dark circles around his eyes stand out stronger than before, crushing Magnus more. He halts a short distance away, pondering how to draw Alexander’s attention without startling him, even more trying to brace himself for rejection that’s likely to come, and that will shatter him a little bit more, despite understanding why.

Just when Magnus is about to speak, Alec’s head turns, bleary hazel eyes resting on him, freezing any movement he may have made, the staggering urge to grab and protect him, leaving him numb.

Alec blinks, frowns and turns on the chair, towards him. “Magnus?”

Magnus can feel the numbness spalling off of him, leaving him warring with himself.

“Yes, I just wanted to see whether you wanted to rest for a while.” He manages to sound friendly and casual, hiding his own ordeal well.

He can feel his magic convolving inside him, almost furious, winding and squirming, leaving him toiling to calm down so much he barely hears Alec’s answer, fleetingly crossing his mind as he stands before him. _Okay._

And just like that the chaos inside him is tamed, at least for now. He’s not sure who reached out first when their hands intertwine, and Alec’s the first to move, leading them to the office, the couch seemingly the only place for him to rest. They shed a few clothes and lie down side by side, but Alec’s soon turning around, pressing his back into Magnus who slides his arm around him, embracing him tightly.

His heart is hammering in his chest for a few minutes while he’s pondering if and what to say. Until he gives up.

Maybe this is enough. Maybe this is all Alec can accept for now, maybe it’s all he needs.

Magnus has managed to console himself enough to try and sleep when the body pressed against him moves suddenly, leaving him cold and empty.

“Sorry, I can’t sleep, and there’s more work I need to do.”

Magnus moves up on his elbow, watching disbelievingly as Alec puts on his jacket and slips back into his shoes before walking out without looking back.

He wants to call out to him, hold him back. But he feels as if a physical force is stealing his ability to speak, weighing him down.

His head falls back on the couch, the gravity of silence trapping him there.

* * *

Magnus is his sanctuary. He knows this for a fact. And yet he cannot find any solace in his embrace. He can barely contain the seething anxiousness whirring in his gut, making it so hard to breathe, not letting him find any peace.

It’s like the moment he allows himself to relax, he falls steeply into darkness, sharp, lethal spikes awaiting him, and once they pierced through his body, and reached his mind, he will shatter, taking everything down with him.

So he mustn’t.

So he focuses on work, somehow enabling himself to suppress the agony knowing what he’s doing to Magnus and Jace especially, brings.

* * *

His stele’s flying round and round his hand, faster than mundane eyes could see. He’s sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed, Clary’s soft breathing not nearly enough to calm the turmoil that’s raging inside of him. It’s past 4 am and she only fell asleep half an hour ago.

His first instinct was to leave, but he couldn’t, knowing how she’ll hurt and worry when she can’t find him _again._ He can’t do it to her anymore. He can’t do any of this anymore. He has to find something, anything at all, to change this, for Alec, for Magnus, for himself, and everyone involved. His mind is crowded with fragments of feelings, sensations and memories, scraps of conversations, some whispering, some shouting, seeking and culling, trying to find a slice of something useful before driving himself insane.

His hand catches the stele suddenly, his breathing harsh, his eyes wide and clear. _Max, you little genius._

He gets up off the floor, turns to look at Clary’s sleeping form, and apologizes quietly. Just one more time, he promises before he leaves quietly, the door clicking into place.

* * *

It’s barely 5 am when Magnus drags his body off of the terribly uncomfortable couch, cursing the piece of furniture in an attempt to deflect his pain and helplessness. He’s stooping to the living quarters to grab a shower and a change of clothes, feeling almost deadened to the world.

He’s still surprised and halts when he hears Jace calling out for him, feeling alarmed and confused as he watches the Shadowhunter run towards him.

“We need to talk.”

Magnus used to hate those words, but he came to prefer them to oppressing silence, and he’d give anything to hear Alec say them.

He nods and bids Jace into one of the rooms, closing the door behind them.

Once they emerge a while later, Magnus watches Jace hurry away, unable to deny the spark of hope his words bore inside him, pleading silently that the Shadowhunter can keep the promise he made him. He kicks himself into gear quickly to make preparations he needs to not be in vain.

* * *

Alec’s been running on autopilot for as long as he possibly could, finally needing to take a break, hoping his mind is too exhausted to form thoughts. As he leaves the bathroom, he hears the faintest sound of a piano playing, and he can’t but head out to listen more closely, only stopping when he’s in front of the partly open door, Jace’s blond hair the first thing he sees. The guilt, regret, pain, and fear are back instantly, but the melody keeps them at bay.

It’s not one of the heartbreaking songs Jace used to play most of the time. It’s still quite slow and beautiful, as are all of his pieces, but though it’s melancholy, he detects hope in it, as well.

He plucks up enough courage to push the door open further with his hand, slowly stepping inside. Jace looks over, smiles softly at him, and continues to play. Alec’s surprised but pleased and sits down on the piano stool next to him, glancing between Jace’s fingers and his face, letting the music in.

Once the last note dies away, Alec feels the familiar constriction returning. But Jace moves his head encouragingly, his eyes pointing at the keys, his fingers still lingering and Alec finally gets it. He frowns, unsure, but moves his hands, his fingers touching the keys, and Jace starts one of the songs they used to play together, and Alec feels relieved when he still knows it by heart, able to play it with him.

Alec feels uplifted by the repose this seemingly trivial action brings him, dreading the song’s end, wishing they could just keep playing, letting the melody be the only thing controlling him.

But it does end and his hands fall into his lap, as his body leans to the side, his head coming to rest on Jace’s shoulder. And he’s holding his breath, fearing he will be forced out of the moment, but Jace doesn’t move, simply waits and lets him be.

Eventually Alec has to open his eyes, breathing out as he sits up again, runs a hand over his face and glances at his Parabatai, who is subtly looking ahead, more at ease than Alec’s seen him in a long time. He’s glad, whatever the reason, he wants nothing short of eternal happiness for him.

“Thanks for this.” He says softly, meaning it with all his heart, and gets up off the stool, ready to leave.

“Alec, wait.”

He shuts his eyes, his body tense once again. It was definitely too good to last, and he knows he didn’t even deserve that.

Jace says nothing else, just stands and watches the back of Alec’s head, waiting, trying not to waver, knowing the moment he talked to Magnus and said the words out loud, they were right. He is right, and he can feel it in his very essence **.** But how does he convince the most hard-headed person he’s ever known of that?

He can see the shift in Alec’s body, knowing he’s about to turn around, and he takes new courage, knowing what will inevitably happen if he fails.

Their eyes lock and the rune on his hip pulsates madly.

“Alec, please listen to me, really listen, and trust me.”

Jace holds his breath, but Alec’s merely narrowing his eyes alarmingly.

“You have to leave.” It’s as well just out in the open without beating around the bush, Jace thinks once his mouth blurts the words out.

Alec looks mostly confused, definitely not having expected this.

“What? Leave? What the hell do you mean? I can’t just leave.”

Jace senses the flaring anger and bewilderment as if they were his own, and he knows he better find the right words now.

“You have to, trust me. I’m so close, a hair breadth from breaking apart because you are, Alec. If you stay you’ll ruin us both, and Magnus, and Izzy, and Max, and everyone who cares about you. You have to go away, with Magnus.”

Alec looks shell shocked, his eyes wide, his mouth open, unable to speak.

“I told him the same thing, and he agrees. You need to take care of yourself now.”

Alec blinks, closes his mouth and averts his eyes, his arms defiantly crossing over his chest, but there’s more despair in his stance than anger now.

“I can’t do that. There’s nothing… there’s just nothing there, inside me, if I don’t do this… if I don’t stay here and work, do what’s right for everyone…”

“This isn’t right for everyone, Alec. It’s right for _no one._ You are falling apart in front of us and we’re fucking helpless and just watching. Please, Alec, don’t do that to yourself, don’t do that to us.”

Alec is shaking his head, and Jace is scared he might run again, but he will endure.

“Yes, Alec. You think everyone else has it worse than you, is suffering more, hurting more, but right now, you truly are the one who needs help the most, and there’s no shame in that.”

Alec is still shaking his head, his face contorted with grief and denial, his fingers digging into his arms, bruising.  
“I’m not, you, and Magnus… your pain is so much worse… and you don’t even have a choice because of our b-”

“Alec, stop! Just don’t do that. I’d never change it, I’d never want it any other way. You’re my Parabatai, best friend, brother, so much, and I’d take everything from you if I somehow could. And Magnus, too. We would do _anything_ for you, and you know that. And if you want to help us, then let us do this, please. You need time, you both need time away from here, to work through what happened to you, and find a way to heal yourselves and each other, and I know you can’t do it here, because you’re too damn stubborn.” Jace smiles through the tears blurring his eyes, taking a careful step closer, seeing and feeling how badly Alec’s still struggling.

“Please, Alec, please go, be with Magnus. It doesn’t mean you love us any less or don’t care about what’s happening here, I promise you. But you can’t be here and get better, and you can’t lead an Institute when you’re barely able to function.” He sees the surprise in Alec’s face, and smiles softly.

“I’ve asked pretty much all of New York who should be our Head, and the overwhelming majority named you. And I promise you once you’re back, and you want it, it’s yours, and we will work our best to not disappoint you in the meantime. And we know that you will not disappoint us, either. But you can’t do it right now, you can’t do it while you’re… in so many pieces… we need you whole.”

He steps closer still, his hands hovering, too scared to touch him, yet. “Leaving doesn’t mean you’re letting us down, Alec, it means you’re doing what you can to save yourself, to cope, and become the strongest leader ever, once you’re back. And we all truly believe that. Please, Alec, please… go and be with Magnus, heal and be together, make memories you will never forget… just… please give yourself, and give him that.”

Alec’s swallowing hard, shutting and opening his eyes, his body trembling.

“What about you?” He whispers painfully.

Jace hurts, but doesn’t falter.

“I’ll be okay, as long as I know you’re safe with Magnus and recovering. I’m better here, having something to do, and I’ll work my damned hardest for the both of us, I promise you, Alec, I promise you.”

His heart is thundering in his chest, his voice and eyes intently on his Parabatai, knowing if he can’t get him to agree now, they’re lost.

It’s like the trembling of a volcano about to erupt, but just before you run to get to safety, it quietens down.

Jace wraps his arms around Alec the moment he crumples, holding him as tight as he can, silently promising him to stay strong, get better himself, and work everything out, just as long as he’s giving himself this chance.

* * *

A few hours later, everyone’s been informed about Alec and Magnus leaving, and most people understand and support their decision.

Alec’s still torn between what he knows he could and should do for the Shadow World and everyone in it, and Jace’s words ingrained in his mind and soul, knowing he’s right. He can’t be of use to anyone like he is. But he’s more afraid than before. Afraid of what leaving means, what will be awaiting him, of failing everyone, and Magnus, knowing he will have to face him, everything he’s been keeping inside of him, and he’s most terrified of failing him, failing to be the person he needs to help him heal.

* * *

“You’re scared.” Catarina calls him out.

“Terrified.” Magnus sighs, nervously playing with a ring on his finger.

“You’ll have each other, you’ll find a way.” Ragnor offers, more affectionate than most of the time, and Magnus appreciates it more than he could say, not knowing how to ever make it up to these two who’ve been there through it all, without whom they wouldn’t be here.

“I hope so, we don’t have much of a choice, really. I’m just scared I won’t be able to do what he needs, and he’s already so... wounded.”

“Magnus, don’t worry so much, just be with him, everything else will fall into place, and if you need us, we’re just a fire message away.” Cat smiles and hugs him close, and he sinks into her, nodding.

He hopes more than ever that she’s right, that his horror of not actually being capable of helping Alec heal - which this holiday is supposed to be all about - will come true. Nothing’s ever felt this important and dear to him.

He hugs Ragnor, Luke, and more friends goodbye, then heads out to find the Lightwoods.

* * *

“I love you so much, big brother, never doubt it and never fear, we will update you weekly, but other than that, you will not worry about us and try to enjoy this holiday, alright?”

Izzy is quashing him with a strength some may not think she has, and he’s welcoming it so much, squeezing her back.

“I don’t even know where we’re going.” He murmurs and opens his eyes when she pulls back.

“I’m sure Magnus found the perfect place, just trust him and trust your heart.” She puts her palm over his chest where his organ is beating way too fast and loud with nerves and doubts and worries. He takes a deep breath and smiles a little, pulling her close again.

“My turn.” Max calls and Alec and Izzy part, smirking at their little brother, and Alec crouches down, holding out his arms, closing them around his little brother’s small body.

“You do know the holiday was my idea first, right?”

Alec chuckles quietly and nods. “Yeah, Jace told me you’re the culprit.”

“Good, so think of me and the cats being really envious, but also think of us being happy for you.”

Alec feels tears well up but he swallows them down again.

“I will, I love you, Max.”

“Love you, too.”

They part and he strokes and kisses the cats bye, as well, then he stands, hugging his parents, not finding the words, but he can see in his mother’s eyes that she understands. Maybe this ‘holiday’ will help them find a way to be mother and son again also.

His eyes fall on Jace, who’s been quietly standing by, not one for goodbyes, either. And really, they don’t need any more words, they know, and Alec manages a genuine small smile, Jace returns immediately.

He didn’t want a huge goodbye, so he said it to everyone else already, making sure they’d not be there when they left, as well.

Magnus appears, and Izzy and Max rush to hug him immediately, and once they said their farewells, Magnus thanking Jace once more for keeping his promise as he hugs him, he and Alec head outside, the Church doors closing behind them.

* * *

Alec stares astounded at the ocean, the clear blue sky, sand under his bare feet, his boots and clothes gone, wearing nothing but a flowery, short-sleeved shirt and shorts, his hand still laced with Magnus’, a soft smile on his love’s face, his eyes shining beautifully as he looks at Alec.

He should never have doubted him, of course he did find the perfect place.

 


	54. The Hardest Part Is Letting Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, also forever grateful.
> 
> I urgently recommend listening to Sleeping At Last - Atlas:Life, Atlas:Sorrow, Atlas:Touch, Atlas:Heart, Two, Saturn and basically everything else by them while reading and feeling.
> 
> I had two artworks belonging together commissioned by the amazing @c0ffeebee on tumblr which I added at the end of chapter 49, you won't need any explanation for them. You can also check them out via these links.
> 
> https://preview.ibb.co/ik3QLo/33343966_10156422356029859_7377408944303505408_n.png
> 
> https://preview.ibb.co/cbEnY8/33342187_10156422356899859_8381921165416857600_n.png

* * *

 

The sea reflects all shades of turquoise, the sky the clearest shade of light blue, the sun is hot, not humid, the sand white and warm under their feet. Palm trees surround the beach, footbridges lead out to the water, majestic mountains, and rich greens in the distance.

Alec doesn't speak a word as they walk along the beach, and that's alright.

He's not holding Magnus' hand as tightly as Magnus is holding his, and that's alright.

He doesn't ask where they are or where they're going, and that's alright.

They walk, holding hands, Magnus looking at Alec looking at the sea, and that's alright. 

Magnus leads him into their beach house, shielded from other people, surrounded by paradise, and Alec follows him, looking around at everything, not saying a word, and that's alright. 

He knows it will be hard. Harder than anything he's experienced because he doesn't have to only get himself through it, but Alexander, as well - and, somehow, even that's alright. 

He watches Alec walk into the kitchen, the moment he's out of sight he staggers, his hand gripping the doorframe to steady himself as a wave of nausea hits him suddenly.

He leans his arm against the wooden surface, his whole body sagging against it to stay upright, closing his eyes, taking deep, even breaths. _It will be alright. It will be alright. It will be alright._

What if it won't? He doesn't have that option. None of them do. There's no way out, only through.

He composes himself, straightens his back and walks into the bright, spacious kitchen. Fruit and other food is almost picturesquely displayed on the table. The sea is calm outside of the windows, the sun streaming in, lulling everything yellow and golden, and warm. But it's a coldness roiling inside him when he looks at Alec, standing next to the table, staring down at the food, yet his eyes are unseeing, unblinking, a silent, blind terror trapped inside his irises, inside his tormented mind.

Magnus remembers times when sunlight was dulled by shadows, color and brightness was dimmed and swallowed by pain and grief, when gloom and dispassion took over his heart and mind, and he barely got out of it on his own, barely alive.

But Alexander's not on his own, and he never will be again. He has to take hold of that belief, ingrain it and never let go of it, for Alec, for himself, for everyone they're loved by.

They stand like that for a few minutes, Magnus' mind whirling with thoughts of words he might say, should say, should wait to say. In the end, he doesn't say anything. He steps closer, slowly, carefully, his eyes fixed on Alexander's face; worn, pale, almost shapeless.

He reaches out a hand, his fingers short of trembling, knowing he'll need a lot more strength than he thinks he possesses, to get through to his love, and to get him through this. When his fingertips touch Alec's hand, there isn't one indication he even notices. Magnus closes his hand over Alec's, holding it safely, how he wishes he could hold Alec's body, mind, heart, and soul.

He doesn't say a word as he guides his other hand to the small of Alexander's back, releases the slightest pressure, his fingertips tickling with energy, light-blue sparks gingerly embedding in Alec's skin, moving up his spine, relieving him of the tension and soreness, and he catches how Alec's eyelids flutter, how he breathes a little easier, the slight movement of his body, heavy and depleted.

Magnus slides his arm around Alec's waist and he moves easily with him as he takes him to the bedroom, a king-sized bed waiting, and he follows Alec's sluggish movements as he climbs onto the mattress, pushes the cover off and lies down, hesitating for just a moment until Magnus lays down on his back, and Alec wraps his arm over his waist, his head on his chest, his eyes closing instantly. And just like that he's out to the world.

Magnus exhales and inhales slowly, listening to the soft waves through the open window, his fingers buried in Alexander's hair, the ache confined inside him growing with every lifting of his chest, but he subdues it, giving it no more room than this. He knows it will be there whenever he decides to tend to it, it's one of the few things he's sure of.

 

He only closed his eyes for one second and as he startles, snapping them open, Alec is gone. He grabs the cover and throws it off, his feet already touching the soft carpet, then woodas he hurries out of the bedroom, abruptly halts, his heart drumming like thunderclaps in his chest, the air frozen in his lungs when he sees him standing outside on the porch, still clad in shorts and a t-shirt, his body still, his arms, unfamiliarly slack at his sides, a soft wind blowing through his hair. It's barely morning, the sky painted in dark-blue with streaks of light red and pale yellow colors starting to appear.

The ocean is alive, small waves rippling the surface. Alec's back is again straight with tension, and Magnus wishes he could get him to relax, loosen those knots and ease the soreness for all time. But as he slowly walks closer, forcing himself to breathe again, he feels the thick severity surrounding him, and he feels afraid. Afraid of getting closer, trying to touch him and finding it's impossible to get through the somberness which seems to be Alexander's steady companion, sometimes brighter, but never leaving him, his constant shadow, almost alive, burdening him, whispering to him, holding him down so far Magnus is scared he won't be able to ever reach.

To his surprise, Alec speaks, crashing the oppressing silence.

“Don't you feel like you shouldn't be here, but back home, doing whatever you can to help? I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing here... go swimming and eat seafood?”

Magnus hardens himself, Alec's voice distant and unfeeling, but he knows it's the only way for him to speak at all right now, the only way to be without breaking apart completely.

“Alexander, you just need to give yourself some time to calm down... and get a chance to think about what happen-”

“I don't want to think about that, I don't want to think at all anymore, nothing at all. I wish I could just give my brain to someone else and be mindless forever.”

Magnus isn't sure what to answer, he understands how Alec feels, he understands it so well it's ironic, but he also understands that every person needs their own time, their own way of being and coping.

Magnus stands by his side, quietly, not trying to touch him, just there, for him to know he is, for him to start to talk if he wishes, for him to reach for Magnus if he wants to, or not. The day goes by like a strange, hazy dream of them not speaking another word, mostly standing, walking, or sitting, watching the beach, the sea, the sky. Magnus mostly watching Alec, trying to read his thoughts, his feelings, reminding himself to never despair, to be patient.

In the evening, when Alec can barely keep his eyes open, Magnus takes him to bed again, relieves his aches with gentle caresses and tender magic and Alec curls up around him, gripping onto him. Magnus sheds a single tear thinking how helpless he must feel, how lost, but he doesn't grant himself more than that.

When he wakes up this time, Alec's sitting on the foot of the bed, his naked back bent, every soreness back in his posture, and Magnus wonders whether he's even suffering his nightmares silently now.

He moves soundlessly, touches him gingerly and more when Alec doesn't seem to mind. He can tell he's hurting, always, so much, and he wishes he could mend it the way he mends his sore muscles once again, caressing his back and shoulders, pressing against him as his lips brush Alec's skin, his head falling backwards into Magnus, and he closes his arms around him, closes his eyes as they fall into each other's comfort, Alec's hand finding Magnus', holding on tightly.

For a few more days there's mostly silence, hollow forlornness staring at him whenever Alec lets him glimpse into his hazel eyes, and Magnus trembles, freezes, haunted by those eyes, but he understands, even though he feels forlorn himself as how to help him overcome it, unable to bring himself to push, to cause more pain. If all he can do is mend his physical aches and hold him at night, it's what he will do, for however long it takes.

Izzy calls the next day, keeping her and Jace's promise to Alec to update them once a week, and in case of an emergency, but she reassures them that all is still going mostly smoothly, and the few hiccups they're facing they can handle, there's nothing to worry about. Magnus leaves Alec to talk to his sister alone then, hoping it might help him. But he returns a minute later, and if anything he seems more drawn into himself.

When Alec's taking a shower he sends a message to Clary, to ask about Jace, curious and worried about the state of him.

_Honestly, he's running on exhaustive resources, hardly able to stand once he stops. But it's the only way he can handle anything right now. He's hurting with Alec, clutching their rune every night, mumbling in his sleep. Catarina's checking up on him regularly, thankfully. I'm not sure how long he – they can keep this up. Whatever happens, we're here for Jace, so just worry about Alec and look after yourself too please, it's more than enough anyway. Stay strong, love you._

He's still staring at the display of his phone when it long shut off, blackness in his sight as he blinks and turns his head towards the bathroom door, finding it alarmingly open and the room empty. He had gotten so lost in his head he didn't see Alec come out and leave. He drops the phone on the bed and hurries out, his instinct and special Alec senses leading him out to the beach, the evening sun painting a beautiful picture of yellows, oranges and reds amidst the greys and blues.

Alec's sitting on the ground, looking ahead, one hand moving to scoop up sand, letting it run through his fingers.

Magnus approaches him cautiously, sits down next to him, his body turning towards him, watching his profile intently. Maybe it's time to talk, just start anything.

But just when his lips part, there's a change in the other man, his body stiffer, his hand still, balled into a fist at his side, his look darker, pained, terse and breathless.

 

He's suffocating, yet he's almost used to the unbearable sensation of getting the air in his lungs cut off, contracting so tightly, not a molecule of the pivotal substance is coming through.

It feels like the last time he's ever breathed, every time, but he knows it won't be. He falls into darkness, an endless void, a body made of the flesh of his fears, tendons made of his nightmares, blood made of his screams, skin made of his tears, bones made of crushing agony. And he falls, and drowns, and screams and cries and begs and gives in, every time. And every time, he comes back, he breathes, he's alive, even if living is supposed to feel differently. He might just have given up on feeling anything like he used to.

Words are choked off, assailing his mind, loud and hurtful and seething, until they get smothered and die. Every day he tries, every day he fails. There's only silence while he's ripped up inside, torn into a thousand directions, stifling his mind, his senses, his physical strength. Every day he wants to give up and let that body of torment swallow him whole, erase him from existence.

If not for the constant thudding of the rune on his side, if not for the presence next to him at all times, holding on, pulling him back, making it impossible to disappear completely.

And he breathes again, every time.

And he closes the void somehow, protecting himself of all that would come pouring out of him, not knowing what – if anything – would remain.

He glances at the man next to him, his fierce, powerful, ever watchful protector. His reason for going on right now, without a clue where he will end up. He just knows he needs to fight this. Draw on every sense of self-preservation, training, and suppressing his emotions he's ever used and learned, and hold back, keep it inside, give it no chance of escaping.

“Alexander?”

Magnus is holding his breath, his body painfully taut, watching the shifting in Alec's eyes and expression, worry and fear gnawing away at him.

Alec loses focus and drops his head, his eyes shut tightly. His hand moves, numb fingers tingling, grabbing sand, trapping it inside its palm in another fist. He shakes his head, forcing himself to breathe, his throat raw and parched, sore like dozens of tiny paper cuts.

Magnus is afraid, hurting, tears hot and burning, still trapped, taking a breath sore and exertive. He ignores it all, his sole fixture Alexander, his arm almost shooting out to cover Alec's hand, needing physical reassurance he's still here with him.

Alec's aware of the touch, every part of him tensing more, hurting more, wanting to burst more. But he can't let it happen, no matter what, he _can't_.

He gasps before he speaks, his voice raspy and foreign, as if he'd almost forgotten how to use his words.

“If I let go... if I open that door... I'll be completely vulnerable to whatever's after... and I can't... because I don't know what will be... if I ever...” He closes his mouth, presses his lips together until they're sore, shaking his head, hardly able to drown the turmoil inside of him.

“That's why I'm here, to make sure you won't lose yourself. I promise you won't... just let me in, Alexander, please.” Magnus would beg and cry if he thought it would change anything, if he thought it would make it just a little bit easier for him, but it wouldn't, so he stops himself, a knot in his stomach growing from anguish and sorrow.

He fears Alec won't speak again, succumb to his fears and silence, which is the worst devil, the hardest part to overcome.

“I used to physically hurt myself to drown out my feelings, I used to work harder, train more, until I bled and broke, and could numb everything else... but now, there's nothing. Nothing I can do... to... I don't have the strength to hold something heavier than this sand.” His voice cracks, fragile and hurting.

He loosens his fingers just enough to let the grains fall through. “And if I break open now... I... I won't be able to close that again... I'll just leak until I'm empty and gone... there's no after. What am I supposed to be after that? Maybe an empty shell? Maybe not even that.”

Magnus feels as if he's woken from a comatose state, the impact of Alec's words shutting him down for a moment, but the urgency to do something, _anything,_ forces him to act and he moves over, wraps his arms around Alec's shoulders and pulls him close, the soft, surprised gasp from his love's mouth just making him hold on tighter.

He closes his eyes, his forehead pressed against Alec's temple. “I'm going to hold you, and be right by your side, and I won't leave you, not even for a single day. I'll be here, for as long as you're with me, I will be right here with you, and I'll never let you go. Just stay with me, my love, just stay with me, I'm here, I won't let go of you.”

He repeats the words like a chant, until his voice is merely a whisper, and Alec is still, collapsed in his arms, clutching onto him, his face buried in his chest, exuding hot, labored breaths. His large, strong body seems so small, huddled, so vulnerable and overwrought, and Magnus just holds on, making this the single most important promise he can never break.

Instead of weakening and calming in Magnus' strong embrace, Alec gets taken apart, little by little. He was _so_ careful to not let himself slip, not let a single rip weaken his body of agony, but when the first crack appears, dozens follow within seconds, and the sludge of carefully collected woe, anguish and grief starts to move, trickle through the gaps, bursting them open wider, finally flushing out of him.

His sobs are silent at first, the sound stifled by numbing pain and the barren attempt at stopping the inevitable. Once realization hits him full force, there's nothing he can do.

His body is one giant wound, trembling and crying through every pore, releasing accrued strains, everything that he kept locked up inside somewhere and somehow streaming out of him, silent screams finally finding a voice, and he cries, sobs, and weeps agonizingly, unable to breathe, existing of nothing but accumulated pain.

Magnus cries with him, listening to the worst excrutiation he's ever heard pouring out of his love without end, every part of him sore, some going numb with the grip he has on him, never loosening it for a second. And he still doesn't, won't ever, even if it takes hours, or days. He promised.

It takes a long while until Alec's wailing stops, his sobs dying down more slowly, his breathing getting a little calmer, rasping and so sore, but then, it's over. He's empty.

And truly, he feels as if he's made of nothing, but Magnus is still here, still holding him. There must still be _something_.

 

The water shines silver, the moon and stars high in the darkened blue sky, and Alec is completely still in his arms, he can barely hear him breathing, but he is. Magnus relaxes his sore body slowly, waits until he has feelings in his arms again and stands up carefully while hoisting Alec up, then carries him inside, puts him down gently on the bed where he unconsciously curls up, and Magnus watches him for a minute, but he seems knocked out. He hurries to the bathroom, drinks some water, and rushes back to his boyfriend's side, suddenly aware of a slight vibration... his phone... he snaps his fingers and it appears in his hand, Clary's name on the display and he steps back towards the door, not leaving, though, wanting to keep an eye on Alec, also wanting to know why she's calling.

“Yes, biscuit?” He says quietly to not disturb Alexander, even though he probably would sleep through a small earthquake at the moment.

“Magnus, sorry to call this late, I tried earlier, and left a message, but anyway, I just wanted to know if you and Alec are... okay? Jace suddenly collapsed earlier, and he was really bad, but he said it was fine, that it was necessary... he passed out eventually and is fast asleep now.”

Magnus isn't really surprised, knowing how intense their bond has become, especially in misery. He wanted to look into that, but he didn't really have time, and maybe it's just one of those things that simply is now. All they can do is take care of them.

“The same happened to Alec, but he's also asleep, and I hope he will... he might start to get better soon.” Magnus winces at his clumsy words. Start to get better? What does that even mean anymore? But he really can't care too much. “Just make sure Jace isn't alone, and he should really take it easy for a while, if you can convince him at all.”

He hears her snort, a tired, sad sigh. “I will try, thank you, Magnus, you take care, too.”

“Will do, speak soon.”

He ends the call, puts the phone away, moves behind Alec and molds his body against his, linking a hand gently with one of Alec's, hoping for exhaustion to claim its prize and sleep to take him over, but the night is restless.

 

Alec's dreams are ripped, like shards reflecting visions, people he loves in danger, in pain, blood and voices, a dragon, and madman, red eyes, crystal blue eyes, golden cat eyes, an endless flood of emotions, driving him slowly mad, and when he wakes up, sitting up startled, he hears screaming.

It takes him a moment to realize it's not himself, but Magnus who's crying out, writhing in a cold sweat next to him, and there's black and blue smoke, magic, around him, and Alec doesn't understand, he just reacts.

Without a concern for himself, he leans over him, saying his name over and over, gripping his shoulders and lifting his upper body, holding him close against his chest, his fingers slick with sweat as they stroke over Magnus' skin, his own feeling strange, tingly, a sense of danger as the magic spreading from Magnus touches him, but all he focuses on is waking him.

He can't move, can't speak, can't do anything to save them, there's fire, everyone's burning, screaming, he can smell burnt flesh, making his eyes water, wanting to close them, turn away, flee, but he has to watch, unable to do anything to warn or heal them. Alistair's face, he's smiling, laughing, morphing into his father, morphing into a dragon, morphing into a faceless shape with ice blue eyes. Alec's eyes, staring lifelessly. And all he wants to do is scream.

His eyes flash open, blurred from tears and sweat, arms around him telling him to run, flee, save himself, until the instant he hears that voice. The voice woven into his very soul, the one he won't forget it's sound of in thousands of years.

He blinks wildly, pulling back enough to see his face, suddenly aware of his magic going havoc and he withdraws it immediately, looking shocked at Alec, scared he may have harmed him. “Are you okay? What did I do?”

Alec's startled by how panicked Magnus looks and sounds, until it clicks in his head, and he could just break all over again for him. He shakes his head quickly while he gathers enough composure to speak. “I'm fine, I promise, but you had a really bad nightmare.” If only their nightmares were just that, but they're all too real, coming from memories and experiences.

Magnus relaxes visibly, his shoulders and head sagging, a shaky hand wiping sweat off of his face. “Just a dream.” He murmurs to himself, hating how he can still smell burning flesh.

“Yeah.” Alec whispers, bringing his hand up to Magnus' neck, gently running his fingers up and down his skin to calm him.

Magnus slumps against him, too weary and exhausted from the last days to pretend to not be affected as much as he is just now, and Alec doesn't seem to mind at least, as he wraps him up and takes him down again, holding him while his body and mind slowly quieten.

Alec pushes the memories of what happened last night to the corner of his mind, focusing solely on Magnus. He's been incredibly selfish, he knows that, he just didn't know how else to even function the little he has since coming here. And now he doesn't know anything, just that he needs Magnus to be okay. That's the only purpose he has right now, and he can go on for that.

The sweat dried mostly on his skin, and he inhales Alec's smell to get rid of anything else that's stuck in his nose, telling himself over and over that it's not real, no one burned to death, all that is real is him and Alexander, here, right at this moment. He moves eventually, opening his eyes to look into two hazel depths, keenly trained on himself, more alive and focused, than he's seen them in a long time. And he's just amazed, even now, even after everything, his Alexander is here, right here, with him, for him.

“I feel better now, thank you.”

Alec shakes his head, leaning his forehead against Magnus', a slow, achy breath blowing against his skin. Magnus, too, closes his eyes again, his fingers trailing over Alec's elbow.

Alec's hesitant to speak. Every time, every word seeming to have an impact he can't control, can't foresee and more often than not, he makes things worse. He just wants to take care of him right now, forget everything else, especially himself.

“I could run you a bath.” He tries, thinking Magnus might like one after that ordeal, needing to find something good to do for him.

“Only if you'll join me.” Magnus' reply comes almost instantly, quiet but he can still hear the tiny smile.

Alec squeezes him tightly for a moment, nodding against his face, drops a kiss onto his brow and pulls away to head to the bathroom. He feels shaky, as if his bones are hollowed out, wobbly on his feet, but he pushes through the weirdness.

_Turn the tap on, warm water, find something to add to it, something that smells nice._

He gives himself instructions, focusing his mind only on these, and when the bathtub is half full, he walks back into the bedroom.

“It's almost done.”

He watches as Magnus turns around, sits up and smiles at him. Small, tender, grateful. His legs almost give in. He just won't ever be able to understand how he is... this way. Still. After every insane thing he went through. Not least due to Alec. And _still_...

Magnus moves out of bed, walks over to Alec who has a strange look in his eyes, takes his hand and leads him back into the bathroom. They undress and step into the tub, and Alec slides in behind Magnus, wrapping his body, that seems to have grown to its original size again, around him. Safe.

Magnus lets himself be taken over by the sensations of Alec's hands washing and caressing him, the divine smell he's filling his lungs with, eager to drive away any remnants of that nightmare, selfishly enjoying every second of Alec taking care of him, knowing he should be the one to take care of Alexander. And he will, he will, he just needs this moment.

He almost purrs when Alec massages his head as he shampoos his hair, then rinses it with such care, and finally they just lie there in the lukewarm water, neither keen on moving.

Magnus shifts almost unconsciously, his fingers finding Alec's jaw, caressing his soft stubble, and his head moves, suddenly feeling drawn towards him, his eyes landing on Alec's lips, his face coming closer, until he sees the dark veil clouding Alec's eyes, and he stills, a cold shower running over him.

“We should get out, I need to shave.” Alec murmurs and begins to shift and Magnus can't but move forward, watching him step out, reaching for a towel. He tries to understand what just happened, but his mind is sluggish, and he's so tired of... no, no, he can't be, he can't do this. _Patience, time, don't get overwhelmed, or desperate._

He stands and gets out, grabs a towel and dries himself, and when he passes Alec by the sink, he caresses his arm for a moment, drops a kiss on his shoulder and leaves him be, even though it hurts and he feels fucking tears in his eyes again.

He sits down on the bed, the door half open, staring out of the window. The sun isn't as bright as yesterday, and he feels cold, though it's still warmer than he's used to. He snaps his fingers to get dressed, unable to bother actually moving to do it. He just wants... Alexander. He waits, keeps glancing at the door, and looks away inconspicuously when Alec finally appears.

He's holding his breath, aware of every movement of Alec's legs, his arms swaying lightly at his sides, his fingers twitching as he comes closer, passes Magnus and sits down next to him on the bed, the distance between them small, appearing as big as a whole sea to Magnus in this moment. He forces air back into his lungs and slowly turns his head to the side. Alec's stare is blank as he looks ahead, his body hunched, his fingers clasped together loosely, as if they didn't have the strength to hold firm.

He waits for minutes, but then the sickness in his stomach and his impatience win for the first time. “How're you feeling now?”

It's as if he hasn't heard him for a very long moment, then Alexander's face drops, his posture crippling even more, and he shrugs lightly. Magnus watches his big hands, palms rubbing together in slow circles in his lap. He takes a deep breath, and slides his hand slowly over the bed towards Alec, his heart beating madly.

Alec stills, glances at Magnus' hand, and Magnus holds his breath, preparing for him to not take it, relief flooding him when he does reach for it and he quickly turns his hand upwards, Alec's fingers sliding into his perfectly. And then he looks at him, and Magnus knows he's never seen this look on him before, never could have imagined it.

His fierce, stubborn, loving, big-hearted, righteous Shadowhunter. He's more than that, so much more, but he's looking at him as if he woke up from a dream, losing every sense of himself, of what it means to _be._ And Magnus isn't sure what he can do to give it back to him. But he made a promise, and he's going to keep it, no matter what.

And when Alec finally moves, his fragile hesitation breaking Magnus' heart all over, he stays completely still, until Alec's head is resting on his shoulder and he breathes, wrapping his arms around him. He's going to hold him until the end of time if that's what it takes.

 

But Magnus worries himself sick when two and three and four days later, Alec is still in a state of... as if he weren't really here with him at all. He was supposed to 'get better', somehow... but this isn't better, maybe it's worse, and he has hardly looked at him at all, and only sought comfort at night, when his body seems to win over his mind and presses itself against Magnus, soaking up whatever he seems to need. Magnus has been able to suppress his own demons, too troubled about Alexander, but it's all so hard, sapping his energy, leaving him drained and fearful.

Alec's sitting on the same spot by the beach, every day, staring out at the sky and sea, but Magnus isn't even sure he sees them. Is he still seeing Magnus? He summons up courage and strength from a place unknown within him, and when Alec comes back inside, his eyes fleetingly on Magnus, then back on the ground, his hand on the doorframe, his body seeming ready to turn back around and flee. Magnus isn't even hurt, doesn't have the capacity to be.

He's seeing the visions from his nightmares, the colors as if covered by a veil, the sounds almost muted, the memories of the battle, the dragon, fire, so much blood, the people he loves crying, screaming, suffering, his mother almost dying, Magnus helpless and frightened, and he feels constantly confronted with his own helplessness, incapable of saving anyone. It's a neverending spiral he can't seem to escape. And he wishes Magnus wouldn't have to witness his demise.

Magnus takes a tentative step closer. “I know you find it hard to look at me right now, love.”

Alec's eyes fleet back and forth as if trapped, not breathing, wanting to run, more so wanting to wrap his whole being around Magnus, crawl inside of him and stay there forever, lose any other thought, memory and feeling. He's been so empty, and yet there's more inside him, somewhere, most of all guilt that's keeping him from seeking comfort and help, guilt towards mostly Magnus and Jace, because they're the ones suffering the most because of him, and he feels like there isn't a single thing he can do about it, and so he resigned, gave in, has done nothing but exist somehow, and he really doesn't understand this state he's in, how it should ever change again, how he should become different again... he doesn't know.

Magnus' words force his eyes upwards as he freezes, overwhelmed by sudden sensations inside him, translating physically, manifesting in prickles bursting over his skin, the unbearable tension he's held again for a long time, dissolving like a broken dam, and he can't control any part of him when the tears that have been confined once more, break free, stream from his eyes, running down his face unhindered, endlessly, and he can't speak, can hardly move, shocked when his body gives in and buckles.

Magnus' arms save him from crashing to the floor, pulling him in, holding him close and closer, his body suddenly heavier than he remembers feeling, and he can't even lift a hand, just cry and cry into Magnus' chest while he hears soft murmurs, feels Magnus' hand in his hair.

Alec ends up curled up and pressed into Magnus, his body around him like a protective shield. Silent tears spilling over his raw, sore face he barely registers anymore. His fingers numb from the grip they have on Magnus' shirt.

“Is this... how I'll be from now on?” He whispers brokenly.

Magnus swallows down his own tears, needing to be strong for him. “Not forever, just as long as this part of healing lasts.” He whispers and kisses Alec's head, still trying to hold him closer somehow, protect him for real.

As long as it lasts? Alec can't do anything with that information, can't fathom how it could ever change, but he wishes, so much. He can't be this, he can't stay like this... but for the moment he pushes further into Magnus' embrace, closes his eyes and does nothing but breathe, trying to focus only on Magnus' heartbeat, and the heartbeat he feels from the other side of the world, as steady or as stormy as his own. For them, he must.

 

For the first time since they've come here, he finds Alec in bed with him when he wakes up, pressed into his back, Alec's nose in his neck, his arm in a firm grip around him. Magnus smiles.

“Let's never get up again.” Alec murmurs, his breath tickling Magnus' skin.

“Mmm,” he hums, “sounds tempting.” His hand finds Alec's hair and neck as he reaches backwards for him, caressing gently, before he turns to look at him, their eyes meeting and Alec doesn't shy away from him. He'll take any good sign at all.

“Hey.” Magnus caresses a strand of hair back behind Alec's ear, he'd usually get it cut at the length it reached by now, but Magnus likes it.

“Hey.” Alec whispers, his eyes keenly taking in Magnus' face, as if they haven't seen him in too long.

Magnus takes this rare opportunity to trace Alec's face tenderly, over his cheek and jaw, up over his lips and nose to his brow. But he stops abruptly, freezing inwardly as Alec's eyes cast downwards and tears spill from them within an instant.

“Alexander, it's okay.” He says immediately, knowing how constant guilt and insecurity define Alec's view of himself, any sign of weakness a constant battle within himself, and Magnus is certain he's never felt this weak before, in ways he hasn't even known existed. He'd take it all from him in a heartbeat.

Alec closes his eyes, takes a shaky breath and pulls back, Magnus' hand falling onto the bed.

He watches him sit up, his head dropping down again as his hands come up to wipe his face. He seems so heavy, as if every part of him is filled with led.

Magnus props himself up slowly, his body buzzing with nervous energy, weighing whether he should say anything, and if, what.

“Talk to me, Alexander.” He tries softly.

Alec sighs and arches his head back, his hands cupping his neck, eyes closed, a lifetime of weariness written all over his face, and still he's more beautiful than anyone Magnus has ever seen.

Alec's quiet, but something is working inside him, and Magnus gives him time, space, knowing how impossible words can be.

“I used to think I was good at keeping things away from me, and that I really didn't care about much, or many people. I was wrong and a fool all that time. It's like... Every piece of pain I've seen and felt, my own, and that of others, is so deep it's cutting away at my soul and I don't think it will ever recover from that. I'll never understand how you've lived with so much sadness and pain all those years. I don't know how to even... How to mend half of it in a lifetime...” If he even has that much time.

Magnus is ready to tell him an essay of words himself, comforting ones if he can, but he can tell Alec's not done, and he won't disrupt him opening up at any cost.

Alec drops his head again, his hands crossed in his lap. “I feel like for every time I thought I didn't feel anything, now I feel too much, and it's just... eating away at me, literally, and I can't ever breathe again or feel strong or in control.”

He rubs his fingers slowly, but Magnus' eyes are fixed on his face that's taken on a more severe, bitter expression.

“I just feel so empty, but also... way too full with a mess of bad feelings, and I have no idea how to cope, I don't know how to even start. How do I get over this? How do I fulfill my duties, how do I make the right choices for everyone? How do I forgive my parents and how will I not fail at being a brother and son and parabatai and leader? How can I even think I could be? How can anyone in their right mind want me to be? I feel completely detached from my own self, like I'm just a shell and don't know this person I'm stuck with. I feel like I'm no good for anyone anymore, like I can't ever get back to a time where maybe I could have been... I've never felt good enough, but this is...”

His voice sounded stronger than it has in a while, but at the end it falters, cuts off, and his breath is shaky, his face hopeless, and Magnus feels his heart breaking a few more times, and really, what does it matter anymore?

He sits up properly, his back bending forwards, and covers Alec's inert hands.

“Alexander, I know you wish to make everything better, to fix things immediately, but... It's a kind of obsession that just won't work, it won't bring you peace. We can do nothing but try, every day, a tiny step... And someday we'll be able to live with it without feeling suffocated by the memories. But it will take time, and there's no guideline or recipe for overcoming trauma, and everyone has to find their own personal coping mechanism, and you need to have a very big amount of patience for yourself, and compassion.” He waits for a moment to see if his words have any visible effect on him, but he stays silent.

“You must treat yourself like you would a friend, like you're treating me, and you mustn't give into guilt and self-hatred, you're not your enemy. You want to get better the fastest way possible, to function and fulfill the expectations you believe people have on you, but it won't work like that, the more you will deny your own needs the more you will suffer and achieve the opposite of what you want. You have to become your priority from now on. Your own mental health. And I will do everything I can to help you.” A sudden thought he's had a few times before strikes him again, and before he can stop himself, the words are out. “And I could take them away.”

Alec's head turns towards him abruptly, his eyes big, whirring with understanding and indecision. He shakes his head slowly.

“No... I... I wouldn't ask that of you. And... I don't think it would help... I would still feel... this... just not know why... I don't want to forget... I just want to... not feel this helpless and like myself is just... gone... I feel so... hollow... but it's agony. I don't know who I am anymore, who I'm supposed to be. If I have a purpose, if I can get back what I lost... I just don't know... Magnus, I just don't know.” Tears are rolling, running down his cheeks and Magnus moves instantly, taking a hold of him, caresses and whispers to him while he cries.

“You'll find it, you're still you, still the same person who fights nail and tooth for everyone he cares about, who learned to fight for himself, and for what is right despite dangerous opposition. You've surprised me a hundred times, and when I thought I knew you, and you couldn't possibly catch me unaware again, you did. You've kept doing it, proving every time how much heart and vigor you possess. And you will find it again, I know you will.” He closes his eyes, presses his face into the crook of Alec's neck and begs every invisible power for his words to come true, for Alexander to believe them.

They get up to eat eventually, and Magnus can tell Alec's deep in thought somewhere in his mind, and again, he just gives him the time he needs.

“I'm not really there for you, you're wrong.”

Magnus stills abruptly, a piece of fruit in his hand he was about to put in his mouth. He lowers his hand and looks at Alec, who's gaze is firmly on the plate in front of him, with a frown and an apprehensive feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Before he can inquire further, Alec sighs and leans back, his eyes connecting with Magnus'.

“I'm not here for you, I burden you in a way no one else ever has, and I'm doing the same to Jace, and the others. I know you need me to be okay, but I don't feel okay. I'm not okay. I don't know if I ever will be.”

Magnus feels as if he should argue and talk and convince him that it's not true. But he stays quiet, watching, hurting. Because he might be right. Magnus can't know he's not, not really, he can believe it and repeat it over and over, until they're sick of hearing it, but he can't _know_. So he stays quiet.

“And I've never felt so selfish, either, because I see you fighting that monster every time I close my eyes, the terror you felt. I know I can't even begin to understand what you've been through, and it's killing me that you had to suffer that, and that I'm so fucking useless, and can't do anything to make it better for you-” He presses his lips and eyes shut, withholding his breath to numb the pain residing inside him, worsening whenever he speaks and doesn't keep things only in his mind.

Magnus can't keep silent now, everything else be damned. He reaches for Alec's hand, covering it firmly with his own while he somehow finds the conviction and strength in his voice he needs to have a chance to get through to Alexander.

“You _are_ making it better, Alec. I'm not saying it's easy, and I'm not even saying I've started to dismantle what I'm feeling, but you are here. The moment I had that nightmare, you were there, and you helped me through it and made me feel better, without hesitation. That's why I know you are, even though you didn't have to, you discarded your own pain instantly to ease mine, that's why I know... why I'm sure you will get through this, in time, no matter how long it will take.”

“But how long?” Alec's looking up, his eyes still slightly red and swollen, dark patches framing them from lack of restful sleep, and there's something haunting in them, almost mad.

“What if my time won't be enough? Do you really want me like this for the rest of our time together? Do you want to pick up the pieces for the next fifty years? Well, I don't, I can't and won't... I can't be like this, Magnus, I need to stop, I need to be... different.” His gaze is so intense Magnus can't speak or look away, until Alec drops his eyes and pulls his hand away, gets off the chair and turns away, stands stiff with his arms crossed over his chest, his hands gripping his biceps.

“Alexander, please, look at me.” Magnus tries, but Alec won't.

He gets up and halts in front of him, places his hands on Alec's arms and strokes them gently, until he reaches his hands and carefully pries Alec's fingers from himself, takes his hands and holds them between their bodies. Alec still looks down, his jaw quivering slightly. Magnus pulls one hand free and cups Alec's chin gingerly, moving it up until his hazel eyes are meeting his own, and he shudders involuntarily from the insufferable amount of pain facing him.

“Every time I was at the end of my strength, and my sanity, and ready to just give up, something or someone happened to bring me back, and yes, sometimes it took months or years. You do know some of it hasn't fully healed for centuries. But it gets better, always, and even if I fall back into depression or apathy from time to time, I know I'll get through it. And I know you will, too, love. You will because you are the strongest person I know and for every moment you can't be, I will be for you, me and Jace, and Izzy, and Max, and Lyida, and everyone else who cares about you. We won't let you slip away, no matter what. We won't let you down, because we want and need you in our lives, and we don't give a damn whether you're perfect the way you think you have to be. We'll take you as you are, every moment and every day, whether you'll scream or rage or cry or do nothing, because that's what you've been doing for us, for me, ever since I've known you, and despite going through the worst trauma of your life, you still somehow find enough strength inside you to be there for me. And I would understand if you couldn't, if you simply had to focus everything you have left on getting yourself through this, but the instant I need you, you're here. So please, let me do the same for you.”

This must be how limbo feels. He truly wants to just give up, and accept whatever that would mean, if it would spare him from feeling any of this torture ever again. At the same time he feels horribly ashamed for even having such an awful longing, when Magnus is right here, fighting for himself _and_ Alec, not even thinking about stopping. How can he possibly dare to give in as long as Magnus doesn't? Centuries of this... he truly couldn't ever fathom it. Magnus is _so_ wrong about him being the strongest person he knows, he himself is the most incredible force and survivor, and no one else could do it. And he looks at him, really looks at him. Disheveled and unmade-up, pale, lacking sleep and care, lifetimes of weariness and sorrow written all over him, and yet, there's this unyielding light in his golden, shining eyes, hope enough for tens of thousands, warmth to cover the coldest of hearts, unbreakable devotion and love that's truthfully infinite. And he offers him everything, bears his soul, gifts his strength and compassion, no matter how great his own torment. How could he ever dare to surrender?

His eyes burn with hot, sharp tears, spilling over as he closes his eyelids, his mouth and chin quivering as he nods faintly, blinks his eyes open, the face he loves the most in all the worlds he knows blurry but real, beautiful and close, and he sinks against him, his lips, wet and salty, brushing Magnus' temple before his head drops on his shoulder, a silent sob escaping him, his arms finding shelter and comfort in the man who will not stop believing in him, trusting him and loving him. As long as Magnus will find ways to live and brave any hardship, Alec will have to, as well.

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Simple Promise](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7995529) by [Baneofwonderland](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baneofwonderland/pseuds/Baneofwonderland)




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